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Family Tree:

Cyprianus Malefidei

Hecataeus Malefidei

Eugene Malfoy and Fausta Malfoy

Eugene Malfoy II

Emmanuel Malfoy

Edmund Malfoy

Edmund Malfoy II and Ramona Malfoy

Caracatus Malfoy

Amorelius Malfoy and Septimus Malfoy

Abraxas Malfoy

Lucius Malfoy

Draco Malfoy

Scorpius Malfoy

Cyprianus Malefidei:
AKA: The section that is most incoherent.

Malefidei Malfoy for the country.

Fight for? Provide for? Work for? 
    — Emmanuel Malfoy

Provide pleasure for?
    — Amorelius Malfoy

Malefidei Malfoy must protect his family first.

Malefidei Malfoy shouldn’t sleep with an unworthy man.

Define unworthy? 
    — Ramona Malfoy

Malefidei Malfoy wants to sleep with a woman.

TMI grandpa. 
    — Scorpius Malfoy

A Malefidei Malfoy should associate with muggles for profit.

This rule can be ignored. 
    — Eugene Malfoy

Malefidei’s Malfoy’s famous virgin wears nothing but blood.

I apologise, but there appears to be discrepancies in the translation. 
    — Abraxas Malfoy

No shit.
    — Draco Malfoy

Do not curse while writing in Le Code de Conduite de la Famille Malfoy! 
    — Lucius Malfoy

Malefidei Malfoy owes no oaths even when tortured. 

I believe he means we don’t break oaths. 
    — Emmanuel Malfoy

Malefidei Malfoy is revered as powerful.

He will hear the advice of a prophet Malefidei Malfoy. We cannot make that mistake again.

Since there never was a prophet Malfoy, assume he meant to heed the advice of the prophets. 
    — Septimus Malfoy

The Malefidei Malfoy family will observe the superintendents rules.

Obviously this was written when the Roman Empire was still in existence, so there were no superintendents. 
    — Ramona Malfoy

Eugene, couldn’t you have done better to translate this into French? 
    — Septimus Malfoy

Father, translating is quite difficult, as evident by the amount of discrepancies in my own translation to English. 
    — Abraxas Malfoy

If Malefidei’s Malfoy’s wife is pregnant before marriage, she is to be put in a box and thrown to sea.

If hit, Malefidei Malfoy will not receive any type of burial.

To appease Zeus. 
    — Hecataeus Malefidei

Malefidei Malfoy will not despise God in anyway.

Suppose he meant the Roman Gods. 
    — Eugene Malfoy II

Malefidei Malfoy will use Februus as patron God.

Who? 
    — Caracatus Malfoy

Februus is the Roman God of purification. 
    — Edmund Malfoy II

Hecataeus Malefidei:
AKA: The shortest section, for the shortest Malfoy.

Malefidei Malfoy isn’t laughing at another Malefidei’s Malfoy’s depth.

Look at this? As long as it’s not about depth, you can laugh at it’s size all you want. 
    — Amorelius Malfoy

Assume he was referring to height, and not… other things I’d rather not get into.
    — Lucius Malfoy

This is Amorelius, it could have been about either. 
    — Draco Malfoy

Malefidei Malfoy corrects his wife and children as he sees fit.

A Malefidei Malfoy is not in access to the Bible, the priest or the church.

Eugene Malfoy:
AKA: A petty son of a bitch.

A Malfoy doesn’t associate with muggle royalty.

Someone can’t handle rejection. 
    — Ramona Malfoy

Malfoy won’t rot in royal wives.

Yeah, sure buddy. 
    — Scorpius Malfoy

Malfoy doesn’t associate with muggles, especially when it comes to courtship.

The magician is superior to all others.

Did our pureblood supremacy seriously come from some old dude getting rejected by a Princess? 
    — Draco Malfoy

Malfoy does not participate in slavery.

Does it make a difference if it’s in terms of fornication?
    — Amorelius Malfoy

Please disregard any comments my brother makes, he usually talks about fornication. 
    — Septimus Malfoy

I apologise on behalf of my prudish brother. He is afraid of coitus. 
    — Amorelius Malfoy

Please ignore the feuds of Septimus and Amorelius. 
    — Caracatus Malfoy

Malfoy boasts in detail.

Premarital fornication is now a part of the courtship between two mediators. But if you are a woman, you will be in exile. 

Is it immorality, if not with a man? 
    — Fausta Malfoy

Please ignore Fausta’s ramblings, she was very ill. 
    — Eugene Malfoy II

No wait, I want to know more about this medieval lesbian Aunt of mine. 
    — Scorpius Malfoy

I married Astoria, you’ve already got Daphne as you’re lesbian Aunt. 
    — Draco Malfoy

A Malfoy doesn’t train more than ten people at a time. 

The idea never occurred to me. Train humans to meet your sexual needs. 
    — Amorelius Malfoy

Remember that my son does not reflect all of our desires. 
    — Caracatus Malfoy

I’m sorry, what have you been fornicating with this whole time? 
    — Draco Malfoy

There’s a reason we don’t talk about my Great Uncle Amorelius. 
    — Lucius Malfoy

A Malfoy will be able to perform three more weapons without the aid of magic. 

This does not include any weapon your Father wanted you to learn to wield. 
    — Eugene Malfoy II

Woman don’t have to learn fighting techniques. 
    — Emmanuel Malfoy

So you’re the reason Father won’t teach me to fence? 
    — Ramona Malfoy

Please ignore the above rule, it is no longer necessary to learn any form of combat if you do not wish to. 
    — Draco Malfoy

Never let your sister fly with a girl.

We didn’t run, we were riding. 
    — Fausta Malfoy

Never run away from your sister with a horse girl.

The rule was left out when it was placed, and you are not following it. 
    — Fausta Malfoy

If you are a woman, do not go with another woman. 

Fausta Malfoy:
AKA: Not a madwoman.

Everybody wants Malfoy in anybody. 

Malfoy is a free woman or man of sorts.

Malfoy is free of muggles, dirt or blood if you wish.

A Malfoy is free for any magical creature.

Malfoy can’t choose to go to court.

Malfoy must respect the boundaries of his spouses. 

Malfoy is free to join the Amazon.

Malfoy is free to choose any God.

Malfoy must research Druidism.

Malfoy can research Hofgoths. 

I pray for my daughter, she is very ill. These are simply the Furies of the Furies. 
    — Hecataeus Malefidei

The translation ruined everything, but I guess Fausta was sick and her period should be ignored. 
    — Eugene Malfoy II

It appears that once again the original message was lost to translation. It doesn’t matter anyways, nothing she said is coherent in English. 
    — Abraxas Malfoy

Eugene Malfoy II:
AKA: King of the name drop.

A Malfoy must receive exemplary results in his studies.

And for those of us who are not men? 
    — Ramona Malfoy

You are not participating. 
    — Edmund Malfoy

A Malfoy man should fornicate with at least five woman before dating.

I’m sorry, what? 
    — Draco Malfoy

Me and my asexuality would like to disagree. 
    — Scorpius Malfoy

A Malfoy should achieve at least three fantastic feats before dying.

Does it count as an achievement if it involves fornication? 
    — Amorelius Malfoy

Pardon my son and please don’t follow in his footsteps. 
    — Caracatus Malfoy

A Malfoy should not join any sect with dubious practices. Is that understood Emmanuel?

An art academy is not a cult. 
    — Emmanuel Malfoy

Might as well be. 
    — Edmund Malfoy II

Malfoy’s do not participate in art unless it is to appreciate it. And I sort of owed a friend of mine, and I couldn’t break that oath. So, things happened. 
    — Abraxas Malfoy

Do not join cults, you will regret it. 
    — Draco Malfoy

Do not trust the Longbottom’s, they’re slippery snakes.

The Longbottom’s have since become traitors to their blood and should not be trusted, period. 
    — Caracatus Malfoy

We have now also become blood-traitors, and the Longbottom’s are lovely. 
    — Draco Malfoy

Get closer to the Weasley’s, they are a revered pureblood family. 

They are not anymore. 
    — Septimus Malfoy

Get very close to the Weasley’s because they give the best cuddles. 
    — Scorpius Malfoy

Never leave a Bulstrode unattended with your wife, he will fornicate with her.

Sorry? 
    — Emmanuel Malfoy

Are you suggesting that it’s entirely possible that we are not in Malfoy but in fact Bulstrode’s? 
    — Edmund Malfoy II

Of all the scandal’s this is the one we’re focusing on? 
    — Lucius Malfoy

A Malfoy should never fornicate with a Dumbledore. 

And why not? 
    — Edmund Malfoy

Because you end up with kids like Ramona. 
    — Eugene Malfoy II

It appears Ramona has crossed this section out, but please do heed Eugene II’s advice, and never fornicate with a Dumbledore. 
    — Septimus Malfoy

Incest. 
    — Draco Malfoy

Does it make a difference if he’s named after a Dumbledore, and we don’t fornicate? 
    — Scorpius Malfoy

It appears my grandson has the same illness Fausta had. Only his variant makes him averse to fornication.
    — Lucius Malfoy

Don’t trust the Gaunt’s or any of their descendants.

I owed him a favour, and as previously established, Malfoy’s do not break oaths. 
    — Abraxas Malfoy

DON’T JOIN CULTS   
    — Draco Malfoy

Steal an item from black people every decade for fornicating on the veranda. 

We do not associate with racist pigs. 
    — Draco Malfoy

This is my Father’s fault. It was a member of the Black family that fornicated in the sun room. 
    — Lucius Malfoy

That doesn’t make it any better. 
    — Draco Malfoy

Don’t trust people with the name Flavius or whore to oversee your potion, they will sabotage your discovery and take credit for it.

I have good news, I beheaded Flavius Filch’s daughter. 
    — Emmanuel Malfoy

In the future, someone should remove it from the wall. 
    — Ramona Malfoy

It’s not your choice to be a woman. 
    — Edmund Malfoy

Filch as in the Hogwarts grounds keeper? That old squib? 
    — Lucius Malfoy

Emmanuel Malfoy:
AKA: We get it, you like art.

Each Malfoy will have at least three self-portraits made.

It’s a ridiculous rule. 
    — Edmund Malfoy

A Malfoy must complete at least one semester at an art academy.

The current head of the house must have his self-portrait hanging above the fireplace.

Really? This tradition stuck around for this many generations? 
    — Draco Malfoy

Portraits must not contain any stains that could harm the reputation of the family. 

Is that why my portrait doesn’t have freckles? 
    — Ramona Malfoy

Malfoy’s do not possess any blemishes, such as freckles. 
    — Abraxas Malfoy

The above statement is untrue, I inherited my Mothers freckles. 
    — Scorpius Malfoy

Please discount the ravings of Fausta, Ramona, Amorelius and Scorpius. 
    — Lucius Malfoy

Never leave the gallery unattended my son did and he lost some of my greatest works. 

I stand by this decision. 
    — Edmund Malfoy

A portrait of all living family members must be painted on the first day of the new year.

Since it is clear Draco wishes to betray his family and leave us behind, he and any of his bastard children shall not be included. 
    — Abraxas Malfoy

No complaints here. 
    — Scorpius Malfoy

Now that the Galerie de la Pureté has created a room for the Malfoy family, we need to add a work of the current heirs to it once they turn fifteen.

Galerie de la Pureté has since been burned to the ground. 
    — Edmund Malfoy

That’s not suspicious. 
    — Ramona Malfoy

A Malfoy should never fornicate with a nudist, they are impure.

Do you see this Amorelius? 
    — Caracatus Malfoy

I don’t know why you are targeting me. I would never do something like that. 
    — Amorelius Malfoy

Really? Is that where you draw the line? 
    — Septimus Malfoy

Edmund Malfoy:
AKA: The guy that seriously hates art, banged a Dumbledore, and then did nothing with his life except torment his daughter.

A Malfoy should be allowed to participate in hobbies.

Is this your attempt to justify being unemployed? 
    — Emmanuel Malfoy

Verbal abuse is not a hobby. 
    — Ramona Malfoy

Hobbies are defined by the individual. 
    — Edmund Malfoy

All Malfoy woman, married or not, should know their place.

Fuck you Father. 
    — Ramona Malfoy

WE DO NOT SWEAR IN LE CODE DE CONDUITE DE LA FAMILLE MALFOY!!! 
    — Caracatus Malfoy

Accept nothing less than perfection from your children or their spouse.

Particularly if your son’s name is Draco, and called off his engagement to the perfect bride in order to be with some rule breaking blood-traitor. 
    — Lucius Malfoy

Wow I get a special mention? I’m honoured. 
    — Draco Malfoy

If your son Draco somehow manages to successfully betray the family and marries the rebellious mongrel, please murder her BEFORE they have a chance to procreate. 
    — Lucius Malfoy

Learnt that one too late didn’t you? 
    — Draco Malfoy

If they do somehow procreate, MURDER THE BASTARD!! 
    — Lucius Malfoy

No, he was not successful. 
    — Scorpius Malfoy

I admit that Dumbledore produces very stuck up sons and very outspoken daughters. Avoid fornication.

This makes Albus and Abeforth Dumbledore my cousins…
    — Caracatus Malfoy

Are we not going to talk enough about the fact that Edmund’s reasoning has nothing to do? 
    — Septimus Malfoy

A Malfoy must ignore his blood relation to the Dumbledore’s. 
    — Abraxas Malfoy

Oh my Merlin, the Dark Lord wanted me to murder my own cousin. 
    — Draco Malfoy

How is my boyfriend named after my cousin and the closest thing I have to a grandfather? And his brother named after a different cousin of mine too! 
    — Scorpius Malfoy

Apparently fornicating with a Greengrass results in an extremely ill child. 
    — Lucius Malfoy

A Malfoy woman should be polite.

A female Malfoy should only speak when spoken to directly.

A female Malfoy should only wear light colours that don’t make her look like a corpse.

A female Malfoy should never attempt to use her wand for violent purposes.

A female Malfoy should never remove her gloves unless she has been given permission to.

A female Malfoy must not try to use anything as a weapon.

A female Malfoy should not strangle anyone with her glove for trying to woo her, because apparently the previous rules couldn’t prevent that from happening a second time.

Malfoy woman has to watch her feet so she doesn’t “accidentally” kick the testicles of the man she is dancing with.

A female Malfoy must not fill her dance card with fake names to avoid court.

A Malfoy woman will never push a man off a bridge. It does not matter if you want to reject his proposal!

A female Malfoy shouldn’t hit someone in the head with a mallet from bringing them flowers!

For the love of Februus Ramona, a female Malfoy will not physically harm another human being!

A female Malfoy will not verbally hurt another human being.

A female Malfoy will not emotionally hurt another human being. Yes Ramona, I saw you intentionally staring at people to harm them.

A female Malfoy will accept the first proposal she receives, because at this point she is lucky people are still interested.

The above fifteen rules also apply to wives.

The fact that Astoria does not abide by most of these rules makes me love her more. 
    — Draco Malfoy

Draco has officially joined the list of people, whose ravings you should ignore. 
    — Lucius Malfoy

Edmund Malfoy II:   
AKA: The guy that even Percy Weasley would despise.

A Malfoy must learn at least seven languages and be fluent in five.

That’s why nobody loves you. 
    — Ramona Malfoy

Yes, well my childhood was Hell, so we’ll waive this rule from now on. 
    — Caracatus Malfoy

A Malfoy will study all forms of magic in order to climb the ranks of the Ministry.

Oh dear lord, this rule should not have lasted so many generations without intervention. 
    — Draco Malfoy

A Malfoy must never woo an unintelligent woman.

Remember, a Malfoy must always have more intellect than his wife. 
    — Septimus Malfoy

A Malfoy must recount his discoveries in a grimoire, so as to not have his hard work stolen by Filch. They used to do that, I heard.

Indeed, Flavius Filch II invented the time turner shortly after obtaining the grimoire from Montgomery Potter. 
    — Septimus Malfoy

The Filch’s really did love stealing other people’s inventions didn’t they? 
    — Lucius Malfoy

The Malfoy family must ensure the security of the Library of Revelations.

It burned down years ago. 
    — Abraxas Malfoy

Was anything salvaged? 
    — Scorpius Malfoy

A Malfoy should be able to negotiate his way out of most situations.

And if that doesn’t work, there’s always corruption. 
    — Amorelius Malfoy

For once he’s not talking about fornication, I’m impressed. 
    — Abraxas Malfoy

Don’t clap too hard, he was stuck trying to bribe his way out of being arrested for public nudity. 
    — Caracatus Malfoy

A Malfoy must be one of the top five students in his year.

Seriously, why did no one intervene in this rule before me? 
    — Draco Malfoy

I mean, I was still the top student. 
    — Scorpius Malfoy

A Malfoy must be elected prefect and hopefully leader.

Assume he meant Headboy, and not to start a cult.
    — Abraxas Malfoy

Again, do not join cults. 
    — Draco Malfoy

A Malfoy must earn a respectable job at the Ministry before he turns thirty.

What about women? 
    — Ramona Malfoy

How many times do we have to tell you? You have to stay home and take care of your husband when he comes home. 
    — Edmund Malfoy

No to all of this. 
    — Draco Malfoy

Make lots of friends within the Wizengamot.

If you do this, it better not be for nefarious reasons. 
    — Scorpius Malfoy

A Malfoy must not participate in a Faustian Bargain, or any other trade involving his soul.

Ramona Malfoy:
AKA: The badass that said feminism before feminism was a thing.

A Malfoy should treat his family with respect.

A Malfoy will not engage in women bashing.

A Malfoy will treat his servants with respect.

A Malfoy woman will only marry once she finds a suitor that actually respects her.

If a man tries to force you to participate in the act, you have every right to be violent.

It’s not a rule, but pushing dicks off bridges is fun.

A Malfoy must learn to fight, regardless of gender.

A Malfoy must be resourceful, you never know when a glove.

A Malfoy takes no prisoners.

It seems that Ramona suffered from hysteria and therefore should not be taken seriously. 
    — Edmund Malfoy

Why not make it a rule prohibiting women from writing here? 
    — Caracatus Malfoy

Caracatus Malfoy:
AKA: Oh my Merlin, what the fuck is this scandal!?

Woman are no longer allowed to write in Le Code de Conduite de la Famille Malfoy.

I would like to apologise on behalf of my relatives to any females reading this, because they are sexist pigs. 
    — Draco Malfoy

Never join a threesome, just in case you have a kid and have no idea who the real Father is.

My apologies, but what? 
    — Edmund Malfoy II

It is no longer a mystery, Amorelius has black hair. 
    — Caracatus Malfoy

So my real Father is Montgomery Potter? 
    — Amorelius Malfoy

Are we really surprised? You are just as vile as him. 
    — Septimus Malfoy

Why didn’t he raise me than? 
    — Amorelius Malfoy

Your Mother was married to me, the family couldn’t stand a scandal like that after Ramona. 
    — Caracatus Malfoy

I am learning so much about my family…    
    — Lucius Malfoy

There are many reasons we don’t take about my Uncle Amorelius. 
    — Abraxas Malfoy

If you have a bastard son, ensure he does not woo anyone or inherit the family.

The firstborn must be the perfect child to inherit everything.

Or, you just have one child so that they don’t have any siblings to fall back on. 
    — Abraxas Malfoy

Never engage with the Potter family.

Oopsy? 
    — Draco Malfoy

I fobbed this one. Albus and I recently got engaged. 
    — Scorpius Malfoy

A Malfoy heir must be groomed into adulthood, starting at age five.

I believe he meant to be prepared for adult responsibilities. 
    — Abraxas Malfoy

Good Lord, I do hope so. 
    — Lucius Malfoy

A Malfoy won’t try to fornicate with a stuffed animal.

As we found out, I’m not a Malfoy. Therefore this rule does not apply to me. 
    — Amorelius Malfoy

Anyone with the name Malfoy will not attempt to fornicate with a stuffed toy.

Anyone that bears the name Malfoy will not succeed at fornicating with a stuffed toy.

Anyone who goes by the name of Malfoy won’t allow Amorelius to be left alone with children’s toys.

Is this what Amorelius has been fornicating with this whole time? 
    — Scorpius Malfoy

Just wait for Septimus’ section, it gets so much worse. 
    — Draco Malfoy

Amorelius Malfoy:
AKA: The guy that somehow got his hands on a copy of this book, and had sex with some weird things.

Anyone with the name Malfoy should be allowed to fornicate with any creature.

Anyone that bears the name Malfoy should be allowed to fornicate with any creature he desires, living, dead, undead, or dying.

Anyone with the name Malfoy should be allowed to fornicate with any object they desire.

Anyone who goes by the name Malfoy should be allowed to fornicate with any native fauna they wish.

Anyone who goes by the name Malfoy should be allowed to fornicate with any monster, living, dead, undead, or dying, if they choose.

Anyone with the name Malfoy will never shame another person with the name Malfoy for their sexual desires.

Please disregard the rules set by Amorelius, he’s more Potter than Malfoy. 
    — Caracatus Malfoy

Thanks Merlin, I’m actually a Malfoy. 
    — Septimus Malfoy.

That’s still debatable. We might all actually be Bulstrodes. 
    — Abraxas Malfoy

Ordinarily I would agree with the no kink shaming, no slut shaming rule, but given the context I don’t really want to support this guy. 
    — Draco Malfoy

Septimus Malfoy:
AKA: The guy whose entire section is going into detail about his half-brothers horrifying sexual desires.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a lizard.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a dead lizard.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with an undead lizard.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a dying lizard.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a snake.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a dead snake.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with an undead snake.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a dying snake.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a crocodile.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a dead crocodile.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with an undead crocodile.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a dying crocodile.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying alligator.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying reptile of any kind.

Seriously? The first thirteen rules weren’t clear enough? 
    — Draco Malfoy

It gets so much worse. 
    — Abraxas Malfoy

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a magical reptile of any kind.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with the ghost of a reptile of any kind.

Why was he still trying to find a work around? Surely by this point you’d give up? 
    — Lucius Malfoy

Unfortunately Amorelius was quite disturbed. 
    — Caracatus Malfoy

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a basilisk.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with any reptilian creature, even remote, from any time period.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with any reptilian creature even remote from any plain of existence.

Why won’t he just give up? 
    — Draco Malfoy

He did inherit the Potter determination I suppose.
    — Lucius Malfoy

Don’t say that. 
    — Scorpius Malfoy

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with any reptilian creature, even remote, that has, has yet to exist, will never exist, or will forever exist.

Dear Merlin this guy was determined! 
    — Draco Malfoy

I can’t believe I have to go this far, but if the creature has ever possessed scales, a Malfoy will not, under any circumstances, attempt to fornicate with it!

I mean, I don’t want to encourage this, but you have to admire his determination and creativity. 
    — Scorpius Malfoy

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying duck.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying swan.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying chicken.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying rooster.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dying, undead, or dying goose.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying pigeon.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying crow.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying raven.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying falcon.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying hawk.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying bird of any kind.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with any bird that has, had yet to, never will, or will forever exist in any time period or plain of existence.

A Malfoy must not intentionally irritate a Veela into turning into a bird for the purpose of fornication.

And I thought the reptiles were bad. 
    — Draco Malfoy

Be patient, it gets worse. 
    — Abraxas Malfoy

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying wolf.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying panther.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying cheetah.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying lion.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying feline of any kind.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying bear.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying rabbit.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying hare.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying rat. 

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying mouse.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying creature in possession of fur that has, has yet to, will never, or will forever exist in any time period or plain. Of existence.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a werewolf during a full moon.

Pardon me, but what? 
    — Lucius Malfoy

Amorelius had issues. 
    — Septimus Malfoy

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying horse.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying cow.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying bull.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying ox.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying elephant.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying rhinoceros.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying hippopotamus.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying unicorn.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying hippogriff.

A Malfoy must not attempt to fornicate with a creature that has previously had tough skin.

This includes bats and thestrals.

He does realise there is such a thing as a human, right? 
    — Abraxas Malfoy

Don’t give him ideas. Who knows what that would be like. 
    — Caracatus Malfoy

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying stag.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying moose.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying deer.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying antelope.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying gazelle.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying wendigo.

If a creature has ever possessed, or has not yet possessed antlers, and has not yet possessed, never will exist, or will forever exist, a Malfoy will not fornicate with it.

Why is this list so long? 
    — Draco Malfoy

Because the Potter’s are clearly vile. 
    — Lucius Malfoy

People would say that about us, but not all of us are murderers, so maybe screw you. 
    — Scorpius Malfoy

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with an aquatic creature, because yes they also have Amorelius scales!

A Malfoy must not attempt of succeed in fornicating with a shapeshifter while assuming the form of an animal.

The above rule includes; metamorphmagi, animagi, boggarts, lycanthrope, vampires, merpeople, nymphs, and any other creature which can alter their appearance unintentionally or intentionally.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying tree.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying fruit or vegetable of any kind.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying bush.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying patch of grass.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying patch of moss.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying fungus.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying algae.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying bacterium. 

I would ask how he fornicated with a prokaryote, but I’m scared of the answer. 
    — Lucius Malfoy

For the love of Merlin! A Malfoy will not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying thing that can photosynthesise! Whether it be from our timeline, or an alternate timeline! Whether it be from our plain of existence, or an alternate plain of existence! Is that specific enough for you!?

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying anthropod from any timeline or plain of existence. I saw you ogling that crab and the answer is no!

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with a living, dead, undead, or dying mollusc from any timeline or plain of existence.

A Malfoy must not attempt or succeed in fornicating with any living, dead, undead, or dying creature which does not possess a spinal cord.

A Malfoy will only fornicate with a living human from our timeline or plain of existence.

Nope! It doesn’t count if it’s another creature you have come to call human!

Dear Lord, a Malfoy will not fornicate with anyone under eighteen.

In human years!

At least this time it’s a human…? 
    — Draco Malfoy

Just wait. It gets worse. 
    — Abraxas Malfoy

HOW!?!? 
    — Draco Malfoy

A Malfoy will not attempt or succeed in fornicating with any living, dead, undead, or dying flora and fauna of Ginnungagap between dimensions!

Now that is determination if I have ever seen it. Wow, people are weird when they’re horny. 
    — Scorpius Malfoy

This is only said because of an incident that caused Amorelius’ untimely death but a Malfoy will in no way create a pocket dimension which didn’t exist before in order to find a creature in possession of; scales, feathers, fur, leather, antlers, an exoskeleton, and tentacles, capable of photosynthesis, and which is somehow simultaneously living, dead, undead, and dying for the purpose of fornication.

This entire section shouldn’t need to be said, but because it happened once before I have chosen not to cross it out. 
    — Abraxas Malfoy

Oh my Merlin. Amorelius… You sick bastard. 
    — Draco Malfoy

At least you don’t have to worry about me doing this. 
    — Scorpius Malfoy

Abraxas Malfoy:
AKA: The guy that has a thing for reputation. I’m not surprised after Amorelius.

A Malfoy must gain the favour of his superiors in order to succeed.

A Malfoy must marry into a respectable pureblood family.

See this one Draco? 
    — Lucius Malfoy

Yes, but I don’t care. 
    — Draco Malfoy

A Malfoy must gain influence over his inferiors, in order to crush the competition.

Someone was upset about Minister Leach. 
    — Scorpius Malfoy

A Malfoy must ensure that his reputation is impeccable.

A Malfoy therefore must not:

Participate in recreational study.

Participate in the pursuit for any Ancient artefacts unless he is sure he can find them.

Participate in any sexual acts before they are married. This does include males.

The fact that this rule stopped with the asexual Malfoy. 
    — Scorpius Malfoy

Participate in any grotesque activities, including but not limited to; the consumption of any fatty foods, polite conversations with lesser beings, and ritual magic.

So I take it I’m not meant to talk to my grandparents and the company they keep? 
    — Draco Malfoy

Participate in cross dressing, unless you are required to wear a corset.

Does any one else feel the sudden urge to wear a skirt? 
    — Scorpius Malfoy

And lastly, a Malfoy must not participate in gambling unless you have magically rigged the game.

A Malfoy must be a member of at least three classes or teams outside of school.

A Malfoy must wear proper clothing at all times, lest he be seen as a hooligan.

I took the waistcoat off because it was getting hot. 
    — Lucius Malfoy

And you looked like a miscreant. 
    — Abraxas Malfoy

I was nine. 
    — Lucius Malfoy

If a Malfoy is seen behaving in an improper manner, they must be punished accordingly, and the witness obliviated (if they are not part of the family).

Define improper? 
    — Draco Malfoy

I once got into a snowball fight in the middle of Hogsmeade, is that considered improper? 
    — Scorpius Malfoy

Yes. 
    — Lucius Malfoy

In the event of a debilitating injury (loss of limb or mobility) a Malfoy must be put out of their misery, as to not make the rest of us look weak.

Hold up. 
    — Scorpius Malfoy

A Malfoy will not ever be seen within an establishment run by anyone who is less than pureblood.

A Malfoy will only ever be seen with a halfblood or halfbreed if it is a matter of business.

A Malfoy will attain exemplary results in all of his studies, no matter how useless he deems some of them to be.

I still don’t understand why you wished for me to study Astronomy. 
    — Lucius Malfoy

A Malfoy will be the top student in at least five of his classes.

Merlin, that is a lot. 
    — Draco Malfoy

At least I’m not Edmund II. 
    — Abraxas Malfoy

A Malfoy must study at least three quarters of the Manor library, and make his own annotations in a separate book.

It amazes me that this guy is still excluding woman from the Malfoy’s that will study. 
    — Draco Malfoy

A Malfoy must pass his grimoire down through the generations, allowing all future Malfoy’s to study his work, and the work of his ancestors.

You know, in generations our descendants won’t know what the book says at all right? 
    — Draco Malfoy

I think Abraxas just wants the Malfoy’s to have a dusty book to our name. 
    — Scorpius Malfoy

A Malfoy must hold a position in Parliament.

I failed this one. I’m a nurse at St Mungos. 
    — Draco Malfoy

Seriously? You couldn’t have been a Doctor, Potioneer, or Biologist? You had to be a nurse of all things? 
    — Lucius Malfoy

Hey, I work as an Investigative Auror, and I can tell you nurses are flipping awesome. 
    — Scorpius Malfoy

A Malfoy must have an extensive knowledge of Economics, in order to make the most of his inherited and constantly growing fortune.

I mean, I minored in Economics, but I’m not committing any tax fraud. 
    — Draco Malfoy

A Malfoy must study Dark Magic and artefacts, for the moment which he can propose it’s legalisation.

This is the first time I’ve agreed with him. 
    — Draco Malfoy

Making an entire type of magic illegal seems a bit much right? Like, it’s not the magic’s fault someone decided to use it for evil. 
    — Scorpius Malfoy

A Malfoy must remain loyal to the Dark Lord, especially after all he has done for us.

Nope. I’ve said it multiple times before, and I’m saying it again. Do not, under any circumstance, join a cult. It doesn’t benefit anyone. 
    — Draco Malfoy

Lucius Malfoy:
AKA: Where everything changed.

A Malfoy will only study the necessary coursework for his future. 

A Malfoy will arrange his children’s marriage as early as possible.

Screw that. 
    — Draco Malfoy

A Malfoy will achieve outstanding’s in more than half of his classes.

A Malfoy will be extremely careful when cleaning the dark objects hidden under my office.

A Malfoy will only marry a pureblood woman.

A Malfoy will only marry a respectable pureblood woman.

A Malfoy will only marry a respectable pureblood woman whom has not obtained various STD’s throughout her life.

You do realise Astoria has not obtained any STD’s right? Just because she was caught kissing a guy at a ball, does not mean she’s got a disease. 
    — Draco Malfoy

A Malfoy will only marry a respectable pureblood woman whom has not been dirtied by the hands of another man.

A Malfoy will only marry a respectable pureblood woman whom has not been dirtied by the hands of another man or woman.

A Malfoy will not marry a woman with coloured hair.

A Malfoy will not marry a woman whom wears “rock tea shirts”.

I mean technically I haven’t married a woman with coloured hair or rock t-shirts. 
    — Scorpius Malfoy

That is true, and Lucius never specified that you couldn’t marry a man with coloured hair and rock t-shirts. Technically. 
    — Draco Malfoy

A Malfoy will not marry a woman that holds the name Greengrass.

Technically if I took her surname I’d also be a Greengrass. 
    — Draco Malfoy

Anyone who has ever held the name Malfoy will not marry a woman that holds the name Greengrass.

If she took my surname she would no longer hold that name. 
    — Draco Malfoy

Anyone who has ever held the name Malfoy will not marry a woman that has ever held the name Greengrass.

Oh no, I couldn’t possibly marry her now. It’s written on a piece of paper that has been passed down for generations. The officiant would never carry out the ceremony now. 
    — Draco Malfoy

A Malfoy will not sass their Father.

It’s alright Dad, Lucius isn’t my Father. So, I can sass this nonsensical nuisance all I want. 
    — Scorpius Malfoy

How dare you! You are a bastard, and a faggot, and you dare to insult me!? 
    — Lucius Malfoy

Such an original insult. Haven’t heard those two a hundred times already. It really stings. 
    — Scorpius Malfoy

I will not stoop to your level. 
    — Lucius Malfoy

What? My creative level? Yeah, I can’t imagine such an unoriginal urchin like yourself would even be able to. 
    — Scorpius Malfoy

A Malfoy will not sass or talk back to any Malfoy’s which are older than them.

I mean, you always said I wasn’t a real Malfoy, so I guess it’s rule doesn’t apply to me. 
    — Scorpius Malfoy

For the love of Merlin, if any future Malfoy’s are reading this, please see the error in Draco and Scorpius’ ways.

The only error is not leaving you sooner. 
    — Draco Malfoy

Draco Malfoy:
AKA: Yeah, I had an interesting childhood.

You may disregard all of the above rules, as they were written by old fashioned pricks. Except the rules set by Septimus, I feel like it shouldn’t need to be said but it happened once so please don’t have sex with anything Amorelius did.

The only exception to the above rule is this: NO JOINING CULTS!!

Nevermind, apparently this also needs to be a rule, because no matter how many times I say it, Lucius won’t listen. Do not attempt to murder your child’s spouse for any reason. 

Do not attempt to murder your grandchildren.

And do not call said attempted murder a “late abortion”.

Do not send other people to try and murder your grandchild. 

Just please, stay as far away from murder as you can. 

Scorpius Malfoy:
AKA: My section. The bastard fags section. Seriously, come up with something more original.

If anyone has married into, is adopted into, or befriended into the family, you will treat them as such. Albus and I are planning to adopt, so we want to make sure all future generations realise you as much apart of this crazy messes up family as us.

Also yeah, don’t join cults.