Work Text:
Silence.
What followed Dark Cacao’s monologue was a long moment of silence. Unable to rip his eyes away from the floor, he began wondering if he got carried away. A part of him wanted to keep talking and making noise, maybe soften the blow that way, but he couldn’t. He would simply be paralyzed in his seat until somebody else made a response to him. Waiting for it all to sink in.
“So… in summary…”
Hollyberry hesitantly made the first comment,
“You’ve got the sex characteristics of a woman… And you transitioned into a man when you were young… But you’d like to detransition?”
“Yes, no, not precisely,” He explained nervously, “I often feel content with myself, like this. Yet other times it changes. And I suppressed that feeling to the best of my ability, but…”
He glanced towards Dark Choco, chewing on his fist without a care in the world.
“…When I had a child, I couldn’t resist the… love… for it, for… I don’t know…” he was sweating, “…I do not know how to describe it, forgive me. I feel a man on most days and a woman on others.”
Perhaps in an effort to elevate the mood, Holly muttered under her breath, “Hmm. We’ve all seen each other in various stages of undressing, but somehow, I always assumed that your boobs are just big pectorals…”
This moment is what Cacao feared for all his life. The awkward bickering, which was certain, even if all of his friends were kind and sympathetic people. He passed as a man so successfully, with little to no effort, that it became one of the core reasons why he doubted his endless questioning… Oh, why couldn’t this topic just be easy?
“So you’re telling me…”
Golden Cheese began coldly,
“That you’ve been trans all this time…”
Her glare landed on Cacao,
“…And you never told me!?”
Cacao had no answer.
“Even though you know that I’ve been like this all along!? W-What… Why!! ”
“Because it’s not simple. And besides, it is utterly useless information, I thought.” stressed sigh, “It’s quite frankly nobody’s business what I have between my legs. And it would be incorrect to come out and say that I am trans, from female to male… I would only lie to you all even more if I said that.”
“I, I see, but… Goodness…” Cheese shook her head, “You know how lonely I’ve felt all my life. This whole time I thought I’m the only Cookie in this group who has a characteristic like that. There’s shyness that comes from it, I felt like nobody would understand if I started bringing it up… That I am sentenced to feeling like an outsider, even among my only soulmates…!”
When he glanced at her, Cheese was curling her legs to herself—looking about as small as she felt on the inside.
“I… I’m really happy for you… For finding out more truths about yourself, but, Cacao… Why didn’t you say anything to me sooner, if you knew that I am similar to you? You could’ve discovered yourself sooner, and you could’ve… made me feel better…”
Cacao had no good answer.
“It… It’s as you said… There’s shyness that comes with it…” he mumbled, “I can not quite recall when there was an instance where I could have brought it up… And other than that, you…”
He trailed off and paused himself, but Cheese urged, “I, what?”
“You have a kind of personality, sometimes, that makes it hard to tell if you would care or not… Your playful rudeness doesn’t bother me, and I do it right back to you when I’m in the mood, but… At times it genuinely makes me wonder if you would even be interested in knowing me deeper than that. I thought that you enjoy being at a distance with me. Not knowing too much about me. And not allowing me to know you deeper.”
The topic changed direction, as did everyone’s stares, when they waited for Cheese’s reaction. The golden queen looked a bit hurt.
“I do not mean this as a criticism or jab at your character,” he corrected himself, “I just didn’t know that you’d like to know… me specifically… that deep and secret part of me.”
“…” she was quiet for a long while before simply saying, “Okay.”
He had a feeling that he would have a separate continuation of this conversation with Golden Cheese at another point in the future.
“If we may recourse,” Pure Vanilla voiced into the room, “To the topic that was at hand…”
He looked serious, and concentrated. “The circumstance of your pregnancy…”
Cacao nodded, “Are there… Are there any questions?”
“Yes…” Vanilla scratched his chin, “There are, but I also… know that it might be impossible to get answers, because you do not know them either.”
“It sounds so abysmal that I can not quite believe myself that it really happened either, but it’s the only thing that I remember at the time, and nothing else makes sense.” Cacao ruminated.
“You say you were… touched… by a Witch?” Vanilla asked.
“She had a spectral body. It felt like being hit by the strongest gust of wind. But, she poked me, and with it, must have used some of her divine magic… Without the usage of an oven, without my input…”
He searched with his finger for the right way to phrase it. “…I suppose that I was blessed. Dark Choco is a virgin child.”
“ I can’t… ” White Lily growled, “I can’t do this any longer…”
“Huh?” Vanilla and Cacao turned, to see her gripping her head, complexion even paler than usual.
“W-White Lily Cookie!” Vanilla was close to getting up from his seat to comfort her, but she interrupted— she let out a suppressed sob, as she stood up and stormed across the room. Before anyone could react, she slid open the door and closed it behind herself. Dust in the wind.
“W…White Lily…” Cacao frowned, “I knew it would’ve been a hard topic for her…”
“Should someone go after her?” Holly asked.
Cheese clicked her tongue, “Poor girl…”
“No, no…” Vanilla gestured with a hand, “She knows what to do with herself, I’ll go to her later. First, I want to focus on Cacao.”
Cacao very much felt singled out and like there was an uncomfortable spotlight on him.
“I broke some kind of rule among our group.” The dark king continued, “That, or… The Witches are less coordinated than we thought.”
“What do you imply?” Vanilla was curious.
“I was at the top of the tower on a random date, at midnight. And it was not Witches who spoke to me but one Witch. I spent months recalling every detail about that meeting, wondering what the meaning of it was…
…I felt as if I entered a theater in the after hours, and there was nobody left on the scene except one person, rehearsing. And, seeing me was simply so entertaining to them, that they made a fool of me. Casting a pregnancy onto me changed my life forever, but to that Witch, it was just… a second.
…I feel a headache coming up the more I think about it.” he put his palm to his forehead, “Perhaps we should not think more about this, not question it, and accept it as just a miracle. And a gracious gift from our Makers.”
“They work in… Mysterious ways.” Vanilla nodded.
Holly and Cheese too looked down at themselves, as if paying silent respect to their Gods.
That would be for the better. If Dark Cacao voiced himself any further, it would have sounded like heresy.
“…The fact that you were pregnant for all these months, is just now starting to dawn on me.”
Golden Cheese commented as she fidgeted with her hair, analyzing the sitting figure of Cacao in the middle of the room.
“Hoho…” he shook his head, “It took a while for me to adjust to it either. It never ceased to feel like a fever dream.”
“It feels like such a waste that you kept it a secret from everyone until after it was over.” Holly crossed her legs. The bouncing of her foot was the only thing to signal that she was nervous.
“Hollyberry Cookie…”
His warm and sentimental tone caught her off guard, “What?”
“You specifically… You were in my thoughts for the majority of that time.” he looked over at her, “I was reminded of the days I spent in the Hollyberry Kingdom when you were in the middle of your pregnancy. Remember?”
“How could I forget! You jumped around me, fearing that any little thing would break my bones!” she laughed, “Really, it was adorable. I don’t know if I should be saying this but… It feels even cuter now, with the awareness that you were AFAB this whole time!”
“Cute…?”
“Man, it really is such a bummer that none of us were there to help you during your time!”
“Actually…” Vanilla chimed in, “About that…”
“Ahh. Is it time you reveal your secret to the group?”
Hearing Cacao, Holly and Cheese’s eyes both darted towards Vanilla.
Pure Vanilla suavely lead in, “I… I may have lied a bit earlier. A bit over two months ago, I paid Cacao a bit of a visit… While he was still knocked up.”
“WHAAAAT!” Holly and Cheese yelled at the same time. Holly hit the air, “Oh so THAT explains all the discreet whispering between you two! You cheeky little…!”
“How was he?” Cheese asked the cheeky vanilla king, “Was Cacao being a big wimp the whole time?”
“I’m sitting right here…” Cacao’s comment was ignored.
“Hmhmhm… Let’s say that he had his moments.” Vanilla recalled it fondly and sweetly, “But overall, I think he was very brave.”
Cacao sighed audibly.
Another series of louder gurgling began coming out of the crib. A sign that Dark Choco was about to wail for something. While his friends were occupied with idle chatter, he picked his baby up and began investigating what the problem was. Holding the boy up like a hamburger and checking… The diaper and onesie was changed by a servant just before the monarchs entered this room… Hmm… Maybe hunger?
Maybe…
…
…?
The gurgling stopped. Cacao drew his weary eyes to Choco’s, and the baby stared right back. He did a few kicks with his little legs and smiled.
“…What is the meaning of this?” muttered Cacao darkly, “Did you… Did you just want to see my face?”
“ Eeech! Egh! ” Choco grunted.
“I haven’t had the time to play with you much today… enrich you… Maybe you’d like that now?”
“ Gogh… ”
Becoming aware of the silence from his colleagues, Cacao slowly looked over his shoulder, and saw the three admiring him with sugary expressions.
“You’re having a very serious discussion with the prince, aren’t you?” Vanilla joked.
“You look a bit tired, daddy…” spoke Holly softly, “…or should I say, mommy?”
Cacao’s muscles twitched, “Uhm…” he glanced at the boy again, “T-That is a very good question indeed…” stumbling over his words, Dark Cacao finally concluded, “Maybe… Maybe it’s ‘father’ for the time being…”
“Hmmmh. I don’t know when and how but it appears we’ve all been moping around for hours, and it’s night already.” Cheese stretched out her arms, “Maybe we should go to bed?”
“I’m not very tired, but I’ll go to sleep if that’s what you all will be doing!” Vanilla looked around.
“You’re not tired? Sheesh, but you’ve been on the road for the longest!” Holly sounded impressed.
“Eh, it’s not a big deal to me.”
Cacao on another hand would’ve been very much able to fall asleep on that chair here and there. If it weren’t for a particularly loud, unprovoked squeak from Choco, he probably would’ve.
“What?” He asked the prince with a bit of desperation, “Are you hungry after all?”
Still detached from the conversations that his three friends found themselves in, he proceeded to wonder… how to do this… Should he go into another room?
“Where are you going, Cacao?” Vanilla’s voice halted him as he was approaching the door.
Cacao looked back, holding the boy to one shoulder, “…The evening meal for Dark Choco is due.”
“Oh, you’re going to fetch the bottle?” asked Holly.
“No, actually… Eh…” Cacao gestured with his free hand, “Every day I feed him at the same exact times, three times a day…”
Holly raised her brows, “Three times? Shouldn’t a two month old get double the amount of that?”
“Let me finish.” Cacao was calm, “For dinner, in the middle of the day, he is to be fed a special formula developed by my royal doctors… It’s imbued with dessert magic, and so nutrient rich, that he’s not hungry for many hours to come afterwards.”
Cheese sang, “Ah, so that’s why he’s so fat.”
“Will you shut up?”
She blinked.
“Thank you.”
She blinked.
Cacao could resume, “The first feeding of the day and the last one in the evening, I do both in this room… with my milk… But if you’re all here, then I can do it elsewhere. In my room.”
“I mean, if you want, but it’s no problem for us!” Holly lit up, socking the air with a feminist fist, “This is your castle, breastfeed wherever you want!”
“We can leave too, if you’d prefer.” Vanilla nodded.
Cheese moved her lips as if she was speaking, but no sound came out.
“…No…” Cacao turned to the door, “It’s fine. I’ll do it… elsewhere.”
Vanilla nodded in passive agreement.
“I recommend that you wrap up soon, get cleaned, and go to your bedrooms. Nightly palace patrols will start soon, and it’d be polite if you were in your rooms at that point.”
Cacao made that order, before sliding the thick door to the side to open it, and left.
Relief washed over him the moment he was out of there.
Inside Dark Choco’s room, however,
“Hmm. I think he’s right. The conversation that we just had…” Vanilla uttered softly, “It was both a lot to take in, and a lot to get off his chest… It’s best if we all slept on it.”
“Yes. And there’s White Lily too…” said Holly.
“Oh,” he just remembered her, “That’s right, I have to talk to her. Oh dear… She missed out on a bit of the conversation.”
“Well then, catch her up…”
He would… he definitely would…
When Dark Cacao entered his bedroom after all those hours, and all that talking, with the tiny prince in his arms, he couldn’t shake the feeling of anxiety off his shoulders. They reacted well—he wanted to tell himself—but then again… White Lily did not… and who knows what the future would bring.
“I know, I know,” he said to the cooing baby, “Please be patient.”
He already did this many times—and without hesitation, set the boy in the middle of his bed, so that under no circumstance he would somehow slide off… And before Cacao could get bare and feed him, he would make sure to gently clean the skin with a damp towel.
When he was laying down with his back prepped up by pillows, and the prince peacefully feeding… It wouldn’t be long before his mind became overcome with darkness, once more.
Instead of closure, after coming out with his truths to the other Heroes, Cacao felt like he made a mistake… and put himself in danger.
His thoughts would inevitably steer to White Lily over and over again.
Pure Vanilla was talking with her right now, wasn’t he?
But what would he tell her? And how would he say it?
That enigmatic woman always stirred up the strangest of emotions in Cacao’s heart. He could never tell what she was thinking.
Dark Cacao trusted Pure Vanilla more than anyone else in the world, and he trusted her —therefore he trusted that his trust was right and just.
That tragedy she orchestrated a long time ago… It all revolved around the creation of Cookies… That strange look in her eyes, when she cradled his son in her arms… With the context of what happened that night, when it was Holly’s turn to receive a precious gift from the Witches…
Could she be… Could she be a danger?
His hands inadvertently cupped the prince more firmly.
No! … No… You old fool, you’re falling into this trap again. Like with Pure Vanilla, back then… You’re set off into fearing the worst by just small gestures. White Lily is your friend, your soulmate, just like every other Cookie possessing a Soul Jam.
Therefore, she must be pure of heart.
A long, dark corridor. At the end of it is nothing but a window, through which one can see nothing but the bridge, faintly illuminated by lilac-glowing lanterns in the dead of night. It was the gloomy and silent hiding spot for White Lily. She hid herself between the curtain and the glass, and stared inwards, hoping to not be found…
Unless it was going to be him . The one who brought the scent of delicate vanilla cream with him everywhere he went…
“White Lily Cookie?” she heard his delicate voice, “It’s you, isn’t it?”
She lifted the veil of the curtain to peek at him.
“Oh, Lily…” he came closer, “You were crying, weren’t you?”
She dropped the veil and turned away from him, but it wasn’t long before he broke down that wall, and joined her by the window.
“I didn’t expect…” her voice was hoarse, “That topic to come up back there… I’m sorry for my reaction…”
“Mhm. Yes…” Vanilla placed a hand on the window sill, staring onwards like her, even though all he saw were blurry blobs of purple light in darkness.
Lily's frail shoulders twitched every now and then, as if resisting some kind of nervous tic. Through shaking breath, she mumbled… “It’s unfair… Pure Vanilla…”
“…”
“The Witches…” she was on the verge of crying again, but looked more frustrated than gloomy, “Why did they pick Dark Cacao?”
“…Well from… From the way he explained it…” Vanilla tried to sound reassuring, “It was a more complicated matter than receiving a ‘gift’…”
“He did nothing to earn the love of Witches…” she pressed her forehead to the cold glass, “He averts his eyes from magic, he doesn’t care about the history of the world… He doesn’t even worship the Witches or show any interest in them… He follows the faith of dragon-worshipping northerners… He abstains from what makes us Cookies— sugar, sweetness, curiosity!” her voice cracked, “Why do the Makers love him ? Why does the sin I committed eons ago haunt me even now, and I’m forbidden from moving on…!?”
Vanilla wanted to say something, anything, to change her way of thinking and make things right, but found himself at a loss of words. Lily saw how his lips gaped, but words were stuck in his throat, and she scoffed.
“…You don’t know either, do you? …Of course…”
“Well, uhm… The thing is that… If I may dare presume what the secret wisdom of the Witches is…” he looked up pensively, “Dark Cacao received the pregnancy without, uh… full and clear consent… And given his backstory… I think it was the most clear rite of passage for him. The Witch wanted him to confront his inner demons regarding gender and legacy, this way…”
“…The more you don’t want something, the more likely it is that it’ll happen…”
“More or less.”
“But even so, Pure Vanilla…” she wept, “The irony is too painful… Cacao, who discarded his femininity, gets bestowed with a character arc and child, and I, who want nothing more than to create a Cookie…
…was made infertile for all eternity.”
The wind howled outside the Black Citadel. It hit one of the outdoor lanterns with such force, that the light flickered off for a few seconds… before becoming reignited once again. Vanilla had a pained look of empathy in his eyes, when he studied his friend’s profile.
“…Let’s go to our bedrooms, Pure Vanilla. I’m sure you’re tired.”