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***
The sun was shining brightly into the classroom as Nick lay his head down on the table, his eyes tired and his mind wavering in thoughts of the future. He stared into the abyss, his mind unable to focus on the task at hand at all. His friends continued to chatter as the school bell rang for morning studies. Sixth Form was so much harder than he had thought, and his A-levels were fast approaching. He was mentally and physically exhausted.
“Have you heard about Marcus? He’s been boasting about having sex again.” Christian mumbled, which made Nick’ss eyes alert upwards from his ‘think about your future’ homework that he had been putting off.
“Anyone that boasts that much is nothing but insecure.” Sai commented, continuing the conversation. “What do you think, Nick?” He turned to face the strawberry blonde, who was staring into the oblivion. Christian nudged Nick slightly, which woke him up from his daze. “What do you think about Marcus losing his V card?”
“It really isn’t that big of a deal.” Otis shrugged his shoulders, focusing on his work beneath him. Nick watched as he wrote all of his future plans down without a doubt or second thought and felt the sweat form on his brow. He stammered over his own thoughts a little, his fingers fidgeting beneath him. Nick tried desperately to block out the conversation his new friends were having around him, narrowing his eyes as he stared at the blank piece of paper on the desk.
Truly, it wasn’t that Nick didn’t know what to do at university or what he wanted to do in the future, it was just that he didn’t want this to end; he wanted what he has with Charlie to continue forever. He doesn’t want to leave him behind and start a long-distance relationship or anything of the sort. Charlie needed him here, and so did his mum and his dog. He couldn’t imagine moving away to study something completely irrelevant in life when all he ever needed was already here at home. He bit his lip, his mind racing as he tried to take in what it meant that his A-levels were almost over, what it meant that he was almost eighteen years of age. He swallowed the lump in his throat, his heart aching at the prospect of time continuing. He wanted to stay in Sixth Form forever and just … do nothing else.
“Nick?” Otis tried to click his fingers in front of Nick’ss eyeline and failed, which made all of his friends laugh.
“Leave him alone, he’s probably thinking about all of that sex he’s been having with his boyfriend.” Christian smirked.
“Wha-?” Nick almost choked on the word, his eyes alerting back into the room and back onto the topic of conversation. He spiralled slightly, his heart racing at the concept.
“We were just saying that you can’t really relate to our poor, lonely virgin issues.” Christian laughed again, which made Sai laugh too. Nick felt his cheeks rush red, his forehead burning as he tried to stay calm at the topic. “I mean, we have all heard the rumours about you and Charlie sneaking into the music room to ‘get off’.”
“Christian!” Otis kicked him under the table, his eyes widening.
“What rumours?” Nick asked, his eyes welling slightly.
“Just that – that you both – you know.” Sai opted to speak while Christian rubbed his shin. “Sneak into the music room when the teachers aren’t looking to – you know.” He signalled to his crotch.
Nick felt sick to his stomach, his skin now paling at the realisation.
“But – nobody believes it.” Sai tried to reassure him, throwing his hands out in reconciliation. “Nobody.”
“I do.” Christian smirked. “I’ve seen you with my own two eyes.”
“No.” Nick shook his head. “We don’t do that.” His voice was shaking almost as much as his hands.
“Dude, it’s alright. None of us are judging you for it.” Christian said. “It’s fine. Totally chill.”
“No, but it isn’t – because – because we don’t – um.”
“Nick, chill out.” Otis tried to calm him down.
“Um – excuse me.” Nick rushed up, grabbing his phone from his bag and running out of the cafeteria.
“Well done.” Otis kicked Christian’s other shin.
Nick’s feet couldn’t carry him out quick enough, his head was spinning. He collapsed against the wall of the male bathrooms, his eyes welling up. He tried to calm himself down, his head aching from the stress and the anxiety and the discomfort of the topic. In all honesty, he and Charlie hadn’t even spoken about it. Nick didn’t want to because he knew what that meant. He knew he’d give in to Charlie and just … do it. But he didn’t feel ready, and he didn’t even know if he wanted to.
Almost every night since meeting Charlie Spring, Nick had had the same worries and anxieties about this; he knew the subject was going to come up and he was so grateful that it hadn’t yet. He knew, deep down, that Charlie wouldn’t want to be with him anymore if he found out that he just … wasn’t interested in that sort of thing. In sex, he means. Nick Nelson wasn’t bothered about sex. He never had been. Even in sex education, he had felt so uncomfortable with the conversations and insinuations.
***
“So, you had sex ed today, didn’t you?” Tori’s voice took Charlie by surprise, despite the fact she was almost always creeping around every corner he went around. Charlie sat up from his bed, his eyes wide. “How did that go?”
“It was pretty useless, actually.” Charlie raised his eyebrows, which made Tori mirror him. “They didn’t really touch on sex for gay people.”
“Standard.” Tori smirked, forcing her way into his room and sitting down on the floor with her legs crossed. “But they did talk about protection and stuff, didn’t they?”
“It’s okay, big sis, you don’t have to go through it with me. I know it makes you uncomfortable.” He smiled.
“Not uncomfortable, I’m just not designed that way.” She winked, sipping her lemonade loudly. “Not interested, I mean.” She said. “Or – I just don’t feel attraction that way. Whatever way you want to describe it.”
“I get that.” Charlie nodded.
“You should talk to Nick about how you’re feeling, though.” Tori said, her voice sincere. “He will get it.” She smiled. “He’s nice like that, isn’t he?”
“Yeah.” Charlie said, his face like stone with no smile in sight.
“Really, Charlie, tell him how you’re feeling.” Tori shuffled closer, pulling her younger brother into a tight hug. “He won’t think or feel any different for you, he’s understanding.”
“I don’t want to seem like a prude. Everyone is doing it. Everyone is expecting us to have already done it.”
“I used to feel that way, Charlie, but not everyone is doing it.” Tori raised her arms up and grabbed her lemonade from the side. “Trust me, I’m right.”
“You’re always right, aren’t you?”
“Usually, yeah.” She winked.
“Let me know how it goes with Nick, okay? I’ll speak to him if you need me to.”
“No, I wouldn’t ask you to do that for me, Tori. But thank you.”
Tori grinned before walking out, leaving her cup on the side of Charlie’s windowsill.
Charlie swallowed the lump in his throat and wiped the tears from his eyes. He felt numb. He grabbed his phone, staring at the message from his boyfriend with distaste.
‘Did you learn anything exciting in sex ed then?’ It read, with a small smiley face and heart next to it and signed off with a kiss. He felt his heart ache beneath him again.
He ignored the message and turned his attention to Tao’s message instead.
‘How are you doing?’
‘Good.’ He typed back in response, before deleting it again. ‘Have you and Elle done any of the stuff they discussed today?’ He deleted it again, chickening out. He didn’t want to know the answer.
***
“Hi.” Charlie spoke first.
“Hi.” Nick smiled back, his feet fidgeting beneath him as Charlie invited him in. “It sounded urgent, what’s happened?”
“Hi.” Charlie laughed.
“Sorry. Hi.” He pulled him into a tight hug. Nick needed that hug, he melted into Charlie’s arms as his mum took Nick’s coat from him and hung it up.
“It’s nice to see you, Nick.” She said.
“Yeah. Hi.” Tori said, her eyes narrowing slightly as she brushed the fringe from her eyes.
“Hi.”
“Okay, come on.” Charlie said, his voice coarse. Nick felt his heart stop for a moment at the seriousness in his tone. He had no idea what had happened, but it can’t be good.
They made their way up to Charlie’s room and Charlie shut the door behind him. Nick swallowed, hard. He wasn’t going to do what he thought, was he? He had just had the class but surely not.
"Please - please don't say anything until I - until I have finished." Charlie said, his voice wavering slightly. Nick agreed, nodding. He could feel his nerves becoming unbearably high but he didn’t want to worry Charlie anymore than he already, clearly, was.
"Do - do you promise not to?"
“You’re worrying me.” Nick said, in almost a whisper.
“Just – promise me.” Charlie’s voice was rushed and slightly harsh, though not intentionally. Nick flinched at the volume, his shoulders jerking upwards in surprise.
"I do." He nodded, again, his brown eyes comforting Charlie slightly.
"Alright - I - I think that we should stop this." He signalled between the two of them, inviting Nick to open his mouth in protest. Charlie placed his finger to the other boy's mouth instantly. "You promised." He said. "You said you wouldn't speak." Nick bit his lip, hard. That would be harder than he imagined, he thought. "I - I know that you love me and I love you so much but - I can't give you what other people can. I don't think I ever can."
"What do you mean?" Nick squeaked, breaking the promise instantly.
"These rumours - your - well, you're a normal boy and - and I'm not. I'm me, you know?" He shuffled. "And I - I can't give you what a normal lover can." Nick squinted, his mind trying to comprehend what Charlie was referring to. "You know what I mean."
But Nick didn't. He didn't know what Charlie meant. He had never understood sex or the attraction that people physically felt towards other people. He had never wanted to, nor had the ability to. But he had also not explained that to anyone. He had been far too embarrassed to.
"Sex." Charlie spat out. "I don't - I don't want you to see me like that. With my top off, I mean." Charlie cried, wiping his eyes. Nick felt his heart sting as he watched as Charlie shuffled into the corner of his bed, his eyes red and puffed up.
He was scared and scarred. Charlie was afraid to even look at himself in the mirror without clothes on. He had never been able to love the way that he looked without clothes on and he had no idea how he could ever expect anyone else to look at his pale, scarred body without feeling anything but pity for him. Nobody could ever love what they saw.
"And - I know that I'm not an attractive person anyway." Charlie sobbed slightly. Nick wanted to argue but bit his tongue, at a loss of words. "And I know how much you probably want to - have intercourse. That's the normal thing, right? That’s what we learned in sex education, anyway. To want it? That’s normal. Right?" Again, Nick wanted to laugh at his friend's innocence, but he found himself unable to. The lump in his throat had rendered him speechless. "Everyone is forever talking about it and - you are always joking about it and I know that they're just jokes but I know that you want that. You're normal, after all. You’re not the one that has the eating disorder or the mental instability." Charlie wasn't even trying to stop himself anymore, the words were just falling from his mouth without much thought. "It's normal to be - active in that way - at this age, right? I mean you’re nearly eighteen. You deserve someone that can give you that – that will let you see them that way.”
Nick swallowed. He wished it wasn't so hard for him to admit how he truly felt but he couldn't, not after all he went through coming out of the closet in the first place.
"I wish - I wish I could but - I can't." Charlie cried. "I can't, I'm sorry."
Charlie lifted the quilt over his head again, his eyes stinging still. Nick felt nauseous at the thought of Charlie feeling so uncomfortable around him. He had tried so hard to tell him how perfect he was to him, to show him how much he loved him but clearly he had failed in that endeavour because Charlie still couldn’t do that for him. And, while Nick would never push Charlie to take his top off for him, he felt so sick knowing that he didn’t make him feel safe enough to. In fact, if Nick was being brutally honest – it had never bothered him. He had never once felt he needed to see Charlie’ss body. He just loved him. So much. And he was panicking now.
"I - I just - I can't let you see me." Charlie sobbed. "Not ever - and - and I completely understand if - if that means that you - you don't want to stay with me." He choked, his voice breaking. "I can't ever - I don't want - you wouldn't love me anymore."
"I don't want to see you without your clothes on anyway." Nick said, without thinking about the implications of the words if they were taken the wrong way and - with it being Charlie - of course they were going to be taken out of context.
Charlie felt his heart break as he lifted the quilt over his head. He already felt like an idiot but those words hurt more than he could have ever imagined, and this was a boy that had been through hell every month since he was fourteen years old. He had never thought that anything could hurt more than the pain he felt after being completely alone in a psychiatric ward but this - this felt worse than death. Seeing Nick look so disgusted about his looks, and having it confirmed in words hurt too much for him to say.
"I didn't - I didn't mean it to come out like that." Nick threw his hands up, his face dropping once he realised what he had said. "I didn't. I - I meant - I don't want that from you."
Charlie was still shaking, his arms wrapping themselves tightly around his body that he was so insecure about. Nick wanted to comfort him. He wanted to throw his arms around him and tell him that he didn't care about any of that, because he didn't. But he also didn't know how to tell him those things.
"Maybe we should end this." Charlie cried, his voice cracking.
Nick didn't let those words process in his mind, his natural instinct was to just pretend that he hadn't heard them and he wasn’t going to fight that natural urge at all. He shook his head, biting his lip.
Charlie wiped his nose, his tears staining his cheeks.
Neither of them dared to speak next. Nick, being Nick, just stared at the other boy - who was still sobbing but attempting to get his emotions in check.
The dark curls in his hair fell innocently in front of his eyes, his cheekbones chiselled as his jaw clenched in a desperate attempt to hold in his sobs.
Nick studied the expression on Charlie’ss face. He was sure of himself, which made Nick feel broken. Charlie’ss eyes were red raw, his hand raised up to his face as he continued to wipe the tears that continued to fall. The curly haired boy had never felt so lost, and Nick wanted nothing more than to reassure him.
"No." He said, simply. He couldn't - again, being Nick - think of anything else to say.
"What?" Charlie looked up through glazed eyes.
"I said no." Nick put his foot down. "This isn't over. I'm not - that's not supposed to happen. We're together, Char."
Charlie stayed quiet, his words getting caught in his throat.
Nick felt his legs collapse slightly in on themselves as he crawled over to Charlie, his arms throwing themselves around the taller boy. Charlie flinched, Nick felt it, but he was refusing to let go now.
He found himself at a loss of words, his mouth drier than a desert.
"I love you, Charlie." Nick’s voice was small and broken as he whispered into Charlie’s ear.
"You deserve someone that can - give you everything." He said, his hands shaking. "I - I'm a burden." He said. "And I don't - I don't deserve someone as good as you."
"Char, we've been over this. You're - you're not a burden and I know you are always going to feel like you need to apologise for these sorts of things but – but you don’t because I love you regardless of anything and you could literally kill me, and I still would. You - you're all I want." Nick begged, pleaded.
"I can't give you what you want, Nick." Charlie pushed Nick’s face away with his hand as he leant into a kiss. "Please, let me do this for you."
Nick hated this. He hated not being able to explain himself. He knew he had to and this would be the perfect time to but he just couldn't find the words.
"I love you but I need to let you go." Charlie sobbed.
"No - no, Char, no."
"This is for the best." He nodded.
"Fuck! I don't want to have sex with you, Charlie Spring." Nick screamed, his anger at himself transcending into his tone. Charlie jumped slightly, his heart beating heavily in his chest. "Fuck."
"I - I don't want to sleep with you." Nick repeated himself, softer this time. His arms fell to his side as he collapsed into a mess away from the bed, his knees smashing on the floor.
Charlie slowly lifted the quilt from his body, his head emerging from the darkness with a confused expression.
"Nick?"
"I - I don't want to do this." He rocked back and forth. “I don’t want to talk about this.”
Charlie shuffled forward, wiping his own eyes in order to comfort the other boy, who had caved in on himself.
"Please - I don't want to, Char." He sobbed, holding his face in his shaking hands. Charlie frowned, his mind racing just as much as his heart was.
"I don't - Nick, I'm not forcing you into anything and I - I don't understand. What's wrong?"
"I can't tell you." Nick cried, his personality a shadow of his usual self. He was quaking and shivering, his spine was tingling and his eyes were stinging with salty tears that he couldn't contain. "I - you won't - I can't explain."
Charlie took a deep breath, controlling himself and his feelings. He shuffled closer to his boyfriend and ran his finger along his cheek, wiping the tears that were spilling. His face was pale as he winced at the pain in his back.
"I don't understand." Charlie’s voice snapped. He wrapped his arms around Nick’s face, stroking his long, curled, black hair. "What - what is it?"
Nick didn't reply, he melted into Charlie’s touch, holding his hand tightly. He just sobbed harsher, his breath getting caught in his throat as he shook his head.
"Alright - you don't have to say. It's alright." Charlie cooed into his ear. He had never seen Nick in such a state. Nick was the strongest person that he had ever met. He was much stronger than he could ever be, he thought. But this was something new. He had never seen him so broken. And he felt so weak, being unable to help him or to understand.
"I - I love you." Nick choked out, his voice small.
Charlie held Nick in his arms, refusing to let go as he ran his fingers through his strawberry blonde fringe. The soothing nature of the gesture made Nick’s muscles ease.
"I - I can't lose you."
"I love you too." Charlie said, his voice close to Nick’s ear. It tingled the nerves in his spine as the whisper hit his cornea. He fell into the taller boy's chest, taking in his familiar scent and holding him close.
The two boys fell silent, just holding one another. Charlie didn't want to push Nick to tell him anything if he was not comfortable, but he did want to know.
"I - do you promise not to laugh at me?"
"Of -"
"Don't answer that, I don't want to insult your kindness, I know that you never would." Nick said. "Not about something this personal." He said, his voice steadying. "I'm not attracted to you in that way, I don’t think." He admitted. Charlie flinched at the words, evidently taking personal offence to it. "No - it's not you." Nick said, sounding like a romantic movie cliche. "It definitely isn't you - it's definitely me." He nodded, his lips inches away from Charlie’s skin. He pressed his face to his chest. "I'm just - I'm not attracted to people that way, I don’t think.” He repeated. “Nobody. It doesn't make sense to me, either." He said, when he saw the confused expression painted on Charlie’s puzzled face. "I never have been - nobody." He reiterated his words. “I – I was talking to my mum about this after sex education last year – I don’t think I have ever felt that way towards anyone.”
"I understand." Charlie continued to run his hand through Nick’s hair.
"You - you do?"
Charlie nodded, slowly.
"It - I've heard about this somewhere before. Asexual. I think that's the term." He explained, trying to act thick. "No sexual attraction to … anyone, right?”
Charlie wasn’t about to out his sister, not even to Nick. Not even when he needed to know it was normal to feel this way.
“Um – I get it.” Charlie shuffled into Nick’s hold closer, his chin resting on Nick’s head. Nick had folded himself into Charlie’s arms, his eyes still raw from all of the crying.
"I - I don't understand it." Nick said, his voice small. But he nodded. That sounded right. “I thought I was bisexual. I thought I had it all figured out.”
“You can still identify as bi, Nicky.” Charlie smiled.
“Nick – Nicky?” He smirked, his eyes widening with the grin that had formed on his face.
“Stop it.” Charlie sniggered too, nudging him playfully. “It’s just like you calling me ‘Char’”.
“You love that.”
“I do.” Charlie admitted. “I won’t lie.” He smiled.
Nick’s smile faded almost instantaneously.
“I don’t get it.” He sobbed into his hands. “I don’t understand anything. I thought I was getting there.”
"I do - and it's alright." He wiped the tears from his cheeks. "It just means that you don't want that. And you may never want that. You're not - not sexually attracted to other people." Charlie smiled. He saw the confusion in Nick’s eyes and so continued, "but you do still love." He shuffled closer still, his breath close to Nick’s face. "It doesn't mean that you love any less - or that you don't deserve to be loved at all."
Then, Nick burst into tears again.
"Don't cry." Charlie begged. "Please. It hurts my heart."
"I'm sorry." He said, laughing in his head at how ironic it was that he was now the one apologising. “I thought I had everything figured out.” Nick cried more. "I - I'm not normal."
"No - no. Don't talk like that." Charlie pushed all of his own insecurities to the side. It was evident that Nick was going through just as much trouble accepting himself and he had to support him through this. "I don't deserve normal anyway. I'm far from it myself, aren't I?" He winked, making Nick’s body lose its stiffness. "What a pair we make. What are we like?" Charlie laughed.
Nick scoffed slightly.
"Huh? The idiot that's so embarrassed by his horrific body that he can't feel comfortable with his own boyfriend -"
Nick met Charlie’s eyes, his hand running up Charlie’s shirt almost impulsively, making the taller boy starkly move away. Nick climbed on top of him, holding him in place and pressing his lips to the soft skin of his boyfriend's, running his finger across Charlie’s cuts beneath his red, scarlet jumper.
"You're not an idiot." Nick said, his eyes filling with tears. "Far from it. You’ve got a mental illness and you’re overcoming it. And I’m so proud of you. I always was. And I always will be."
"But my - my body -" he wriggled out of Nick grip, pulling away so he couldn't feel his slender body anymore.
"You – you’re so strong." Nick grinned. He knew that his words wouldn't mean anything to Charlie. He knew that nothing could make him feel any better about his body, but he would be damned if he didn't tell him how he really felt about them. "You - you are beautiful, Char. To me. Perfect, even."
Charlie smiled, wrapping his arms around his own waist.
"Come here." Nick tapped the area next to him. "Please."
Charlie complied, falling beside him in a lump. Nick shuffled closer to him, his hands fluctuating towards the bottom of his jumper.
"I love you."
"I love you too." Charlie laughed. "Hey, and - I don't care." He said. "I'm - I'm just sorry that you didn't feel able to tell me. I know it must have been really hard for you to have to go back to step one and think about your sexuality again.”
Nick felt a twinge in his heart again.
"It wasn't that - I trust you with everything, Char. But I - I didn't - I still don't really understand it." He said. "I'm just - I'm sorry."
"No." Charlie pushed his finger into Nick’s mouth. “You don’t get to say the S word.”
"I did though."
“You did. But never again. Nick, you should never apologise for your sexuality. Especially not me, okay?” Charlie was almost crying again. “Your sexuality doesn't matter to me. Nothing does but you. I - I adore you and I want you to know that I am always here for you. Always."
"Always?"
"Always." Charlie pulled himself closer. "Always."
“Asexuality is very valid, Nick.” Charlie smiled. “I’m sure you’ve done the research because you always do but – it is valid. I don’t mind.”
“And I don’t expect you to force yourself to feel comfortable around me. Your therapy and recovery will take time. And I will be by your side for it always. No matter how long it takes.”
"I don't deserve you." Charlie’s eyes welled.
"We deserve each other." Nick smirked, his eyebrows raising with a wiggle, grinning.
The two boys collapsed into the pillow, holding one another tightly.
"Does this mean you're retracting your break-up?" Nick teased.
Charlie rolled his eyes, giving off a small giggle.
"I really hate you."
"Huh." Nick sniggered.
"But yes - I retract it. And I'm sorry that I didn't give you the -"
"Let's stop apologising." Nick grinned.
"Alright."
"Alright."
Nick lay in Charlie’s arms, his eyes closing almost instantly at the touch of his boyfriend. He felt safe in his arms, as he hoped Charlie felt in his.
“Um – Tori is asexual.” Charlie stammered. “I don’t want to out her or anything but – but I think she’d be happy to talk to you if you’re ever confused. You can still identify as bi – um – biromantic. Tori’s aro – aromantic, which she doesn’t feels sexual or romantic attraction. I love you and your labels, whatever they are.”
“I’ve read a lot about it.” Nick admitted. “I just – I didn’t want to be a burden to you and change it all after I made such a fuss of coming out as bisexual.”
“You sound like me.”
“I do.”
“You’re not a burden.” Charlie said, running his hand through Nick’s hair. He allowed Nick’s comforting scent to fill his nostrils, melting into it. “You’re still figuring things out and that’s okay, Nick. You just have to choose a label that fits best at the time. Or not choose, some people are unlabelled. That’s just as valid. You’re not a burden.”
“Neither are you. At all, Charlie.” Nick sat up, laying his torso on top of Charlie’s, and cupping his hands around Charlie’s face. “You are never a burden.” He said, his eyes interlocking with Charlie’s. He planted his lips onto the other boys’ and closed his eyes while falling deeper into the hold. He ran his fingers across Charlie’s skin, tracing his way around his mouth as he did so. The smaller boy shivered slightly before opening his eyes and pulling away, both of their mouths mirroring the other’s massive smiles. “I love you, Charlie Spring.”
“I love you, Nick Nelson.” He smirked. “Why are we like this?” He laughed, which invited Nick to laugh too.
“I don’t know.” He nudged him.
***