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Mobius had been having a pretty good week.
First, after five months of searching, he had managed to help Sylvie reunite with Loki after their disastrous fight at the Citadel. They'd found Loki on one of the largest timeline branches; he had apparently teamed up with the Avengers and had been seeking them, as well. And yes, while the reunion itself had been rather awkward, with lots of long stretches of silence and longing stares, they had obviously been happy to see each other. And so, Mobius left Loki and Sylvie at that branch’s Sanctum Sanctorum and had returned to the TVA, confident that the two of them would soon resolve whatever was going on between them. He was certainly rooting for them, anyway.
Then, he helped the newly reformed TVA track down and capture four particularly dangerous Kang variants and mapped out at least two hundred new multiversal branches.
Now, Mobius was sitting at his desk, just about to dig into his much-anticipated salad, when his TemPad suddenly alerted him to an urgent message:
Friend Mobius,
Please come quickly. We have a serious Loki problem and require your immediate assistance.
Sincerely,
Thor Odinson, Strongest Avenger, former Prince of Asgard, god of Thunder, etc., etc.
Mobius sighed. Oh, lord. What did those two do now? And can it wait until I’ve finished my salad?
Mobius reread Thor’s message and decided it probably couldn't wait. The situation sounded pretty urgent. If Loki and Sylvie were in trouble, he should probably get over to the Sanctum right away.
And so, after casting one last longing glance at his soon-to-be-abandoned salad, Mobius opened up a TimeDoor and stepped through, into the parlor of the Sanctum Sanctorum.
He was greeted almost immediately by an anxious-looking Thor.
“Ah! Mobius!” said Thor. “Thank goodness you’re here! We are in a bit of a bind, and could really use your input!”
“Why? What’s going on? Are Loki and Sylvie OK?”
“I’m afraid not,” said Thor gravely. “The situation is quite dire.”
“Oh, my God!" said Mobius, panicked. "What happened? Are they injured? Dead?! Did one of the Kang variants capture them?”
Thor blinked. “Oh. No. Nothing like that.”
“Then, what…?”
“Well, you see, things have been quite…awkward…between them since Sylvie returned last week,” said Thor seriously.
Mobius waited. When Thor didn’t continue, he tilted his head. “And?”
“And, that’s the problem,” said Thor. “It’s been terrible. They’ve thus far engaged in some of the most uncomfortable and cringeworthy interactions I’ve ever witnessed. And it only seems to be getting worse the more they’re in each other’s presence.”
“With all due respect, Thor, I’m not sure this classifies as a serious Loki problem.”
“Ah, but you haven’t experienced it,” said Thor. “It is truly awful to watch. And I could really use the advice of a Loki expert such as yourself.”
Mobius sighed, thinking of the abandoned salad sitting on his desk. “All right, fine. I’ll help out.”
“Excellent!” said Thor.
Mobius sat down on the couch. “So, tell me about these interactions.”
“Oh, they’re just awful,” said Thor, taking a seat on one of the high-backed chairs. “I don’t understand it. He clearly cares a lot for her, and she clearly cares a lot for him. But whenever they come in close proximity to one another, he becomes a stuttering mess, and she is wound up tighter than Barton’s bow. It’s painful to watch.”
“Hmm, yeah. I suspect it has to do with all the feelings involved. Lokis in general don’t handle feelings very well. And these two particular variants…well, they’ve been through a lot, especially after that mess at the Citadel.” Mobius shrugged. “Honestly, I think they both feel like they betrayed the other’s trust—and you know how weird Lokis are about trust.”
“So, you think they both feel…guilty?”
“Exactly. And neither of them knows how to apologize or admit wrongdoing. So they’re just stuck in this weird stalemate.”
Thor nodded. “I told Loki that he really needs to talk things over with his lady love—"
Mobius chuckled. “Lady love? Please tell me you used that exact term.”
“Of course, I did. Loki absolutely hates it,” said Thor with a grin. “Alas, Loki appears lost for words, and he can’t seem to muster up the courage to just talk it over with her.”
“Hm. A Loki lost for words is itself unusual, and we seem to have two of them. Not sure that’s ever happened,” said Mobius. “Have there been any signs of progress? Any at all?”
“Well, Sylvie did let him have the last bagel this morning. But then when he thanked her, she said something about how it wasn’t a big deal and left the room, and he looked so devastated that it was as if she’d kicked his puppy.”
“Ugh. That does sound painful.” Mobius tapped the tips of his fingers together thoughtfully. “So, I guess the question is, how can we get Loki and Sylvie past all this awkwardness so they can admit their feelings for each other?”
“What if one of them were to be gravely injured in battle?” suggested Thor. “There’s nothing like being on your deathbed to get you to confess your true feelings.”
“What?!” said Mobius, shocked. “Thor! Are you insane?! Why would you suggest such a morbid thing?”
“I’m not insane, I’m just Asgardian.” Thor shrugged. “Battle injury is basically foreplay to my people.”
Mobius shook his head. “Well, we are not gravely injuring one of them just to get them to admit their feelings. There has to be some other, non-violent way to do this.”
“Sounds like you two need to Parent Trap them,” said a voice in the doorway.
Mobius and Thor turned to see Scott Lang, leaning casually on the doorframe and eating what appeared to be a bag of trail mix.
“Parent Trap them?” asked Mobius, confused. “What does that mean?”
“Are you suggesting we somehow impregnate one of them, Lang?” asked Thor. “Because if so, I can contact the local stables—"
“What?” Scott pulled a face. “No, no, no! I’m not suggesting anyone get pregnant—and I’m especially not suggesting anyone get any horses involved. Jeez. I’m talking about the movie The Parent Trap.” Mobius and Thor stared at him blankly. “Wait. Have neither of you seen The Parent Trap?”
Thor and Mobius looked at each other, then shook their heads.
“That’s it,” said Scott in a determined voice. He pointed to the living room. “I’m calling a movie night.”
“It’s eleven in the morning!” said Mobius.
“Then I’m calling a movie morning,” said Scott. “We need to amend this travesty immediately.”
Mobius sighed. He was never going to get back to his salad, was he?
***
Two hours and eight minutes later, Scott turned off the TV and looked at them expectantly.
“Well?” he said. “What did you think? Good movie, right?”
“Indeed, Lang! Excellent film!” said Thor, chuckling. “I quite enjoyed all the pranks those two mischievous girls were playing.”
“Right?!” said Scott, nodding enthusiastically. “And can you believe that only one girl was playing both roles?”
“Really?” said Thor. “I wasn’t aware Midgard had access to duplication casting. How fascinating!”
“Well, I was less than impressed,” said Mobius. “Frankly, I don’t see how this helps our Loki situation at all. First of all, that movie was totally outlandish. The premise was flawed. The ending was questionable—I mean, the obstacles that led to the parents’ initial breakup are all still there. There’s no way that marriage lasts.”
“Hm,” said Thor thoughtfully. “Mobius does make some good points. Plus, I don’t think he and I resemble each other enough to trade places. He is a tiny, mustachioed older man, and I am…well, me.”
“Hey!” said Mobius, a bit insulted. Thor grinned and shrugged.
Scott shook his head. “You guys are taking this way too literally,” he said. “You just need to get Loki and Sylvie to interact more. You know, basically just enact a series of elaborate schemes to get them to realize they’re in love, just like Hallie and Annie did to their parents in the movie.”
“Well, why didn’t you just say that in the first place?” asked Mobius, somewhat annoyed. “We didn’t even need to watch the movie to understand that. You could’ve saved us the two hours. Honestly, in retrospect, this whole thing seemed like a complete waste of time.”
“Hey, now!” said Scott defensively. “Time watching The Parent Trap is time well spent!”
Mobius groaned. “OK. Fine. Maybe we can take a cue from those twins and just…I don’t know, lock them in a room together until they can sort out their differences.”
Thor shook his head. “That won’t work. Loki can easily escape from locked rooms. And we no longer have access to the magical wards of the Asgardian prisons.”
“Well,” said Mobius, an idea beginning to form in his head. “We may no longer have access to Asgard. But we do have access to a sorcerer.”
***
“Let me get this straight,” said Stephen Strange, cocking his brow as he stared down Thor and Mobius. “You want me to put magical wards on one of the Sanctum’s guest rooms so that you can lock emo Romeo and feral Juliet in there together and force them to confront their feelings?”
“That sounds about right,” said Mobius.
“And that’s going to make them…realize they’re in love?”
“That is our hope, yes,” said Thor.
“I see,” said Strange. “Won’t such an action result in the defilement of one of our guest rooms?”
“Oh, almost definitely,” said Mobius cheerfully. “If all goes well, that is.”
Strange rolled his eyes. “Gross. And dare I ask what happens if all does not go well?”
“Probably bloodshed of some sort,” said Thor.
Strange raised his brows. “Bloodshed?”
“We don’t think it’ll come to that,” said Mobius quickly. “I mean, there’s always the possibility. Lokis are unpredictable at best, and they do tend to get stabby. But we’re pretty sure these two are in love.”
Strange eyed them carefully.
“So, either way, you’re telling me that the guest room is probably going to be defiled with some sort of bodily fluid, just so two Loki variants can be less awkward around one another?”
“Pretty much,” said Thor.
Strange stared at them, an unreadable expression on his face.
“Look,” said Mobius. “They obviously care about one another. They just need a little push, that’s all.”
Strange continued to stare at them. Finally, he shrugged.
“Fine. What the hell? I’m in,” he said. “It’ll be Wong’s mess to clean up, anyway.”
A few minutes later, Strange exited one of the smaller guest rooms in the Sanctum and locked the door. He handed Mobius the key.
“All right, Yentes, your wards are all set up. No one except me should be able to perform any type of magic within the confines of that room,” he said. “Happy?”
“Extremely!” said Mobius. “Er, just…one more thing, though.”
Strange raised a brow. “Yes?” he asked.
“We were wondering if you could do that spinny orange magic disc thing and get Loki and Sylvie to just drop right into the room,” said Thor.
Strange stared at them.
Mobius smiled. “It really would save us a lot of trouble.”
Thor nodded in agreement.
Strange continued staring at them. Finally, he rolled his eyes and let out a disaffected sigh. He lifted his hands and began making a series of complicated gestures; orange light emitted from his hands, forming intricate patterns and symbols in the air.
Seconds later, they heard two distinct thuds coming from inside the room, followed by cries of surprise.
Strange crossed his arms in front of his chest, then swiftly moved them to his sides; the light disappeared.
“There you go. Two emotionally stunted Lokis. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go have my afternoon tea. Do not disturb me,” said Strange. Then, he flashed his cloak and walked purposefully down the hall.
“Thank you!” Thor called after him.
Mobius approached the door and knocked tentatively. “Loki? Sylvie? You two in there?” he asked.
They heard some scrambling
“Mobius?” called Loki. “Is that you?”
“Yep,” said Mobius. “Well, me and Thor.”
“Hello, brother!” called Thor. “Sylvie!”
They heard some more scrambling. Then, the doorknob rattled.
“What’s going on? Why is this door locked?” Loki demanded.
“Well,” Mobius began, “a little birdie told me that you two need to have a big discussion about your feelings—"
“It was me!” said Thor. “I was the birdie!”
Mobius gave Thor a sidelong look, then continued, “So, we figured you needed some incentive to work things out.”
“So, what, you locked us in a room together?!” said Loki, sounding outraged.
“Afraid so,” said Mobius.
“Mobius!” growled Sylvie, pounding on the door. “Let us out of here! Right now!”
“Nope,” said Mobius. “Sorry. You can’t come out until you two work everything out!”
“Thor!” Loki yelled. “Open this door at once!”
“Sorry, brother,” Thor called cheerfully. “It’s all part of our Loki Trap. You need to use this time to air out your grievances with your lady love.”
“Stop saying it like that!” Loki said, his voice a bit frantic. “She’s not…I don’t have…!” Loki trailed off, sounding flustered. Then, he seemed to regroup. “And anyway, your stupid plan isn’t even going to work, because I can just magic us out of here any time I want to!”
“Why don’t you try it, then?” asked Mobius.
“What?”
“Try magicking yourself out. See what happens.”
There was silence on the other side of the door. Thor and Mobius smirked at each other, then waited.
“What the hell did you do to my magic?”
Mobius laughed. “It’s a little ward Dr. Strange set up. Now, you two play nice. We’ll be back in a little bit to check on you.”
“MOBIUS!”
“THOR!”
“Try not to maim each other too much while we’re gone!” said Thor cheerfully as he and Mobius walked down the hall.
***
Sylvie paced in front of the locked guest room door like a caged lion that hadn’t been fed.
“UGH, I cannot believe those two! The audacity!” She kicked the bedside table. “How dare they lock us in here!”
“I wholeheartedly agree. This whole thing is ridiculous!” Loki ran his hands through his hair and let out a frustrated sigh. “I’m so sorry, Sylvie. I know being stuck in here with me is probably the last thing you want. Hopefully, they’ll let us out of here soon.”
Sylvie rounded on him.
“Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t you?” she said.
Loki tilted his head. “I beg your pardon?”
“Well, once they let us out of here, you can go back to pretending I don’t exist.”
Loki furrowed his brow. “And what, exactly, is that supposed to mean?”
“Oh, don’t act like you don’t know! You’ve been avoiding me ever since I got here! Honestly, it’s like you don’t even care at all that I’m here.”
“What?” said Loki, scrunching his face up in confusion. “Of course, I care that you’re here. I just…” He trailed off helplessly.
Sylvie put her hands on her hips. “You just what?”
“I…I thought…” Loki took a deep breath. “I thought you… I was trying to…to…”
“Come on, Loki, what is it?” She approached him, so that she was only about a foot away from him. “Spit it out! It’s because you hate me, isn’t it? For what I did to you?”
“No!” Loki looked devastated. “Sylvie, I don’t hate you! I could never hate you!”
“Then what is it? Come on. Let’s do this—right here, right now! Let’s have it out! Fight me!”
She poked Loki’s shoulder hard enough to jar him. He looked completely taken aback.
“No, I…I don’t want to fight you, Sylvie, I...”
“But you do! You know you do! You’re angry at me, right? You must be! I pushed you away, Loki! I kissed you and then I pushed you away! I hurt you, I know I did! So…so hurt me back! Punish me for what I did to you!”
She was breathing heavily, looking at him with a wild expression that was somehow a mix of anger, frustration, and vulnerability.
And in that moment, Loki seemed to realize exactly what she needed—what they both needed, really.
Because yes, Lokis aren’t very good at feelings. They aren’t really good at tearful, heartfelt apologies, either. Forgiveness, peaceful resolution, even happy reunions—it was all completely new to them.
But verbal sparring? That, they could do.
So, Loki drew himself up and narrowed his brow.
“No!” said Loki forcefully. “I’m not going to punish you, Sylvie! If anything, you should be punishing me!”
“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!” Sylvie snarled.
“No, it isn’t!” Loki said angrily. “You want to know why I’ve been avoiding you? It’s because I thought you were angry with me! And I had no idea how to apologize!”
“That’s ridiculous!”
“Is it? Because I’m the one who went back on our agreement! I’m the one who let you down! I was so damn preoccupied with the whole morality of the thing that I couldn’t see you had no other choice. You did what you had to do and I only got in your way—you were right to push me away!”
“Don’t you dare say that!” Sylvie spat out.
“It’s the truth!”
“No!” Sylvie growled. “I may have needed to do it, but that doesn’t make it right! You weren’t even asking me to change my mind—you were only asking me for a minute and I couldn’t even give that to you—the first person I’ve ever felt close to! So, just…just be angry with me!”
“No, Sylvie! You be angry with me!” Loki yelled. “Because this whole thing was my fault!”
“Like hell it was!”
“It was!” he insisted heatedly. “You have no idea how many times I’ve replayed that whole fight in my head, wishing things had gone differently, regretting my every action!”
“Oh, yeah? Well, I regretted it the second I pushed you through that door! And I searched for you every damn day since!” Sylvie said; her lips twitched as if she wanted to bare her teeth.
“I searched for you, too!” bellowed Loki. “I would have moved mountains to find you! Not a single moment passed where I hadn’t been thinking about you, worrying about you—”
“Yeah? Well, same here!” yelled Sylvie. “And then, when I finally found you, you avoided me like the plague!”
“I was trying to give you space!”
“I don’t need space! I need you, you big idiot!” she yelled.
“Well, I need you, too!” he retorted. “I’ve been miserable without you! And I missed you every moment we were apart!”
“I missed you too, dammit!” said Sylvie, stomping her foot. “I missed you so much!”
Loki barked out a laugh. “Well, you could have fooled me. Tell me, just how was I supposed to know you cared about me, huh? You weren’t exactly jumping for joy at seeing me, either!”
“I thought it was obvious! I found you, didn’t I? I gave you so many openings to say how you feel! I even let you have the last bagel this morning! What else could that have possibly meant?!”
“Well, excuse me for not being privy to your bizarre bagel mating ritual!” said Loki, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “For all I knew, that was a pity bagel. Meanwhile, I’ve been walking around here like a lovesick puppy for days. You didn’t care to notice that, did you?”
“Of course I noticed! I thought you were sad because my very presence was making you miserable! I thought you didn’t even want to see my face!”
“OF COURSE I want to see your face—it’s beautiful and I would stare at it all day if I could!” Loki shouted. “You are the most attractive, yet maddening, person I know, and I would have crossed time and space to be with you!”
“Then why didn’t you tell me that, you dumb handsome git?!”
“Because I was scared you wouldn’t feel the same way!” Loki snarled.
“That was stupid of you!”
“You were doing the exact same thing!”
“Well, that was stupid of me, too!” cried Sylvie. “But I don’t know which of us is stupider, because after what I did, you should hate me, and yet astonishingly, you don’t!”
“You’re right! I don’t hate you! In fact, my affection for you has only grown while we were apart, you infuriating, magnificent goddess!”
“Well, if you won’t hate me, if you won’t fight me, then be glad to see me!”
“I AM GLAD!” roared Loki. “I’m thrilled! I’ve never been so glad to see anyone in my entire life!”
“Well, I’m glad to see you, too!” Sylvie snapped.
“Wonderful!” yelled Loki. “Because you are my glorious purpose, Sylvie, and I never want to be separated from you again!”
“Well, I don’t want to ever be separated from you, either!”
“OK! I suppose we’re just…” He threw his hands up. “…stuck with each other forever, then!”
“Fine by me!” Sylvie glared at him. “I’d love that, actually!”
“I would, too!” said Loki, glaring right back.
“Great! So, why don’t you just…just go on then, you great sexy prat! Kiss me! I dare you!”
“All right, FINE!” said Loki. He pointed a shaking finger at her. “But I’m not doing it because you told me to! I’m doing it because I’ve wanted to for a long time now, and it’s been torturing me that I couldn’t!”
“Good! Because I’ve wanted it, too, you asshole!”
“OK, then! I will!”
“Fine!”
“Fine!”
***
Scott Lang was walking down the upstairs hallway at the Sanctum when he stumbled across Mobius and Thor, who were huddled outside one of the guest room doors, listening carefully.
“Hey, guys,” said Scott. “What are you…Oh.” He pointed to the door and whispered, “Is this the Loki Trap in action?”
“It is,” said Mobius. “They’ve been locked in there for about 15 minutes.”
“And how’s it going?” asked Scott. “Have they made nice yet?”
“Not yet,” said Thor. “We returned about five minutes ago, and so far there’s still a lot of yelling and screaming.”
“Give it another few minutes,” said Mobius confidently. “I think it’s working. Either that, or they’re trying to kill each other.”
They all waited, listening carefully to the muffled yelling.
Then, suddenly, there was silence.
They all looked at each other.
“Do you think she killed him?” asked Thor in a whisper.
Mobius shrugged. “Who knows, at this point?”
The silence continued. Then, there was a very quiet—but very obvious—groan.
“Oh, no,” said Scott, concerned. “Is one of them hurt? Should we…?”
Mobius held up a finger. “Hang on…”
More noises—louder this time, more distinctive. More…carnal in nature.
Mobius pulled a face. “Well, that definitely wasn’t from pain.” He straightened up, backing slightly away from the door.
Scott’s eyes widened. “Oh. So they’re…?”
Mobius nodded. “I think it’s safe to say that our Loki Trap was a success.”
Thor chuckled. He nudged Mobius in the side. “See? What did I tell you? We Asgardians do enjoy the aftermath of a good battle, even if it’s just a verbal one.”
“Yeah, well. Now that they’ve come to their senses, it’s probably time for us to get out of here. I’d rather not bear witness to this part of their courtship.”
“Good idea,” said Scott. He grinned. “See? I told you guys this would work! And hey, maybe after their eventual first fight, you can figure out a way to Freaky Friday them.”
“Freaky Friday them?” Thor and Mobius looked at Scott, confused.
Scott stared at them in disbelief. Then, he clapped his hands together.
“All right. Go grab some popcorn. Looks like we’re having a movie afternoon!”
Mobius sighed. It looked as though his salad would have to wait just a little bit longer.