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Craving is a familiar and repetitive feeling that the vast majority of people would be able to relate to, some more than others. It takes many forms, fluidly adjusting to anything from a food you’ve been missing all the way to people.
Sometimes, but not always, the cravings can be painful. When the thing that you desperately want is always just slightly out of reach, the feeling becomes stronger and you become weaker.
It’s pathetic isn’t it? It’s pathetic to yearn for human contact. People are everywhere, all the time. You can go see your family, friends, even acquaintances and you have a sizable chance of receiving a handshake or a hug.
But what happens when you restrict yourself so much from your family and friends? What can you do to relieve the craving?
Charlie has been desperately trying to solve those questions for a lengthy time. Since he was openly gay, his fear of making people uncomfortable made him isolate himself at the smallest sliver of uneasiness. This had started happening more and more as Charlie became closer friends with Nick. He felt bad about wanting to be close to him. The only way he knew to solve this issue was to ultimately push him away.
His friends were not touchy people, which he knew was okay, but god how he wished they were the tiniest bit affectionate. On the rare occasions that they would make any sort of contact with him, he would always try to memorize the feeling, trying to milk out that time.
Somehow he always seemed to forget that feeling.
He hated that.
Then there was Nick, who seemed to always be okay with resting a knee so that it was touching Charlie’s. Or perhaps leaning lightly into him when they were in a more tightly packed hallway. Maybe even when he would rest the toe of his vans on top of Charlie’s converse.
This, in theory, should make Charlie feel more alright with initiating things like that. Instead, it made him feel a great deal worse. Charlie felt like he was using Nick, using him to fulfill the desire of feeling someone. Although that was completely wrong, Charlie himself did not have a way to rationalize this, but it didn’t mean that he would try to solve it. He found himself moving away from Nick when his arm would rest the tiniest bit too close to his own.
He regretted it every time.
Charlie was balled up on his messy bed, using headphones and music to take his mind off of himself and what his friends were doing without him. He used multiple large, heavy blankets to mimic the weight of a person. Charlie only wanted someone to be okay with hugging him.
It was barely four in the afternoon and he was already falling into the pit of loneliness. He was sick, not too bad, but he had a headache and his body ached. Perhaps it wasn’t even real, maybe it was just his mind that was sick. The blasting of his chunky headphones didn’t help the ringing in his ears, but he wouldn’t turn them down even if they were going to make him deaf.
The mixture of loneliness and his so-called cold did not make for a soothing day. Without going to school, he wallowed in his room alone, giving him all the time in the world to overthink. His friends had texted him earlier in the day, but the messages slowly faded out after they decided to go bowling, skating, or anything that friends do on a Friday after school.
Their events weren't planned, Charlie knew this, but he couldn’t help but think that they didn’t want him there. How come his friends were able to have fun while he sat alone in his room? Is it just not his destiny to be allowed to have fun? Why didn’t he get these opportunities like everyone else?
Not fun enough. Not likable enough. Not worthy enough. Not smart enough. Not trying hard enough.
Charlie barely realized he had started crying when the song he was listening to faded, and in the spot of it, he heard his monotonous ringtone. He had a moment of hope that maybe someone was going to invite him somewhere. That hope was fractured like a weak bone. Charlie saw pictures of his friends having the time of their life being sent to the group chat for all of them to have.
His body left him no choice but to cry harder, the craving of his friends enveloping him. He slammed his phone onto his mattress, making it bounce up and fall to the floor. Grinding his teeth, ripping at his sheets, head pounding, ears screaming, and body rebellingly longing to be there with them, Charlie’s mind dove into the depths of pure sadness.
The boy finally ripped off his headphones when he heard another notification. He sat up quickly, head spinning. He glared at the phone like it was the most disgusting object he could’ve ever interacted with in the whole universe.
Charlie’s watery eyes hardly let him read the message, but he managed to see the blurry name, Nick Nelson.
Preparing from the results of last time, he filled his brain with more anger, bubble wrapping his mind for yet another message to send him barreling down to the dirt.
Eyes filling with furious tears, he unlocked his phone, gripping it like he was trying to squeeze the electricity out of it. Charlie was hit with a wave of solace.
Nick Nelson: hey, mind if i come over for a bit? missed you at school.
Nick Nelson: i’ll make you my delicious tea!!
Charlie stared at the screen before picking it up. He stared at it longer. His lungs filled with air and it finally didn’t burn. Charlie went back and forth trying to decide if he would be able to handle the interaction on this day of mental and physical suffering. But in the end, who was Charlie to deny tea made by Nick? To deny someone wanting to spend time with him? So he approved, finally allowing himself to remove the pile of blankets from on top of him and get out of the cluttered bed.
He reluctantly changed out of his beat up t-shirt that he would go down swearing it was the most comfortable shirt he owned (even if it had holes and was stretched in all the wrong places). Splashing his face with water did not seem to settle the red blotches on his cheeks and eyelids, but he concluded by the time Nick got there, they’d be gone. With a couple minutes of struggling with his hair to look even a bit more tame, he gave up when the doorbell rang.
Behind the door was a bundled up Nick with a basket of candy. He greeted the messy haired boy in front of him and then stepped inside, taking off his large coat. He said, “my mom told me to give you this. I’ve never heard of chocolate fixing a cold, but I trust her.”
“I would never turn away chocolate, even with this brain-eating cold,” Charlie laughed as he picked through the nicely packed basket. He grabbed a chocolate bar and split it in half for the both of them to share.
Once they got into the living room after they were done eating a handful of candy, Nick settled into the chair and asked, “so, how are you feeling?”
Achy. Exhausted. Cold. Lonely. Jealous. Bitter.
“I feel fine for the most part. Just a bit drowsy I’d say. Staying home helped,” Charlie bit his tongue and replied as he mindlessly flicked through movies to watch.
Nick raised an eyebrow, “you look really tired. Did you sle- oh I’ve never seen the Wizard of Oz, can we watch that?”
The other boy chuckled at Nick’s inability to stay with his original thought. “Wait, you’ve never seen the classic movie?” Charlie asked in awe.
“I know, I know. My sincerest apologies. Play it!” Nick excitedly said, repositioning himself in the chair.
Charlie internally sighed, pushing the comment about how tired he looked out of his memory. He pinched between his eyes to try and relieve the headache, but not getting the results he had been hoping for. Before the movie started, Nick stood up from the chair and he animatedly flopped down next to Charlie. The couch squeaked at the weight, cushions dipping just in the right ways to give the two boys a comfortable movie experience.
Nick was now laying with his feet propped up on Charlie’s legs. Head resting on a pillow that was situated against the arm of the couch, he had a barely noticeable smile written on his face while watching the credits enter the screen.
Charlie, on the other hand, did not know where to put his hands. Would it be weird to rest his arm over Nick’s legs? Or would it be even weirder to try to maneuver his hands away from Nick? He settled on crossing his arms, giving Nick space.
Ding!
On the old, little table next to Charlie, his phone went off. He ignored it, because why would he look at his phone when watching a movie anyway?
Ding!
The noise pestered him. Charlie really just wanted to crush the phone, throw it away; give it to a dog to eat, maybe even flush it down the drain. He tried to force his eyes to look at the screen, to focus on the girl in the checkered dress, to focus on anything but the little vexatious device in the corner of his peripheral vision.
Ding!
Charlie quickly picked up the phone that was taunting and antagonizing him, eyes skimming over each of the messages. More pictures that he was not in, more smiles and laughs he was not a part of, more fun that he would not have the memory of.
The boy did not even want to know what they were doing. He did not want to see how happy they were while doing something without him, and that thought made him even more upset because now, not only was he being a bad, unsupportive friend, but he was also aware of it and did not know what to do to stop it.
“Charlie, are you alright?” Nick’s voice shot into Charlie’s ears, slicing the thoughts in half.
He paused for many seconds, head pounding, and then turned to say, “yeah, of course.”
Nick wasn’t dumb, he could tell when his friends were upset, especially Charlie. His eyes softened and he said, “is someone being rude to you?”
Charlie, surprised at the question, shook his head quickly and reassured, “no! Nobody is being rude, I swear. Hey, what happened to that tea?”
“Did something happen?” The other boy confusedly questioned, ignoring the obvious attempt at a subject change.
“No, nothing happened. Well- I mean- nothing with me,” that’s the issue. “It’s alright,” Charlie tried to be convincing after he stumbled over his words. He apparently was not being too good at it by the look on Nick’s face, eyebrows raised and disbelieving eyes.
The television filled the somewhat uncomfortable air in the room around them, crackling and adding music here and there. Nick glanced at the movie and back at Charlie before saying, “something seemed off when I got here, I know it’s not your cold or the fact that I completely forgot the tea, but if you want to tell me what’s going on, you can. I’m your friend, but you don’t have to, either.”
Charlie practically melted like cotton candy at the words that his tainted brain needed to hear. His eyes watered again, feeling undeserving of the kind treatment he was receiving. The opportunity to tell Nick the issue floated around Charlie’s head like a bubble. It dangled in front of his eyes, expecting him to grab and pop it.
Ding!
He popped the bubble.
“I just- look,” Charlie defeatedly showed Nick his phone screen, revealing the flood of photos that Charlie apparently could not handle.
Nick was obviously a little confused as to why Charlie was upset with seeing his friend group at the skating rink. He tried to quickly think of a situation that could have been the reason it was bugging his friend so much, and he asked, “did they not invite you?”
Charlie sighed and shook his head. He said frustratedly, “they didn’t, but that isn’t even what makes me the most upset. It’s like, I know they aren’t, but it’s like they’re flaunting the fact they are somewhere without me.”
Nick was still a bit lost, but he managed to make some sense of the situation. “Are you more upset because you think they're having more fun without you, or the fact that you aren't there with them?” Nick asked patiently while sitting a bit more upright from the couch.
Eyes going back and forth between Nick, the movie, and the carpet, Charlie sunk into the back of the couch. He dismissed the whole topic with a shake of his head and waving his hand aggravatedly.
Nick felt bad about what he had said, because it certainly was not something that hadn’t crossed Charlie’s mind before. He knew that a “sorry” would not fix it, so moved his legs and gently grabbed ahold of Charlie’s hands. There was a brief moment of making sure it was alright, and when Nick thought it was, he tugged on the other while laying back down again. Charlie was now laying closer to Nick than he’d ever been before, but he still wouldn’t let himself revel in it. He couldn’t. Right?
However, Charlie did not pull away. He was drained. He was tired of pulling away, and for once, he let himself be pulled forward.
Nick wrapped an arm around Charlie’s neck and shoulders, hugging him while the other hand rested at the base of his neck. Charlie’s arms hesitantly found their spot hugging Nick’s body. It was so comforting. They both felt warmer than ever, but a good kind of warm where they wouldn’t need to leave to cool off. A kind of warm that only your insides feel; the warm that just your heart feels.
Charlie just seemed to be in a teary mood, and he was unable to prevent it from happening again. This time, it wasn’t just about him feeling sorry for himself. It was finally feeling loved after a hard day. It was finally being appreciated even when he wasn’t being the best person he could be. It was that he was struggling and that he did not have to be the kindest, smartest, funnest person to get the appreciation he had always craved. It was unspoken between them, but from that moment on, something would have changed. Maybe something was added, or maybe it was already there and just having trouble breaking through to the surface; but now it was here.
“Is something wrong?” Nick asked with a dash of fear sprinkled into his voice. His arms loosened around Charlie to give him space and his body tensed, pleading internally that he did not do something wrong.
Charlie only hugged him tighter and responded, “nothing is wrong. Not right now. Thank you.”
Nick smiled and relaxed, then whispered, “anything for you, Charlie. I want you to be happy. I wouldn’t leave you to be upset alone when I know I could help it.”
“That’s a bit dramatic, Nick Nelson,” Charlie mocked lightheartedly.
Nick rested his own head upon Charlie’s and it made Charlie’s body happy all over. Maybe now he would finally have the answer to those questions he had been spending an infinite time trying to figure out. The answer would be that it was not possible. Some cravings you just must give into for them to go away. It was a craving like this, like love, that only goes away if it was truly broken. Charlie smiled into Nick’s shirt, not even bothering to memorize the feeling because he knew that after this, he would not have to try to mimic it.
And so The Wizard of Oz dragged on in the background, being used as a lullaby when they settled in again. So what if Charlie’s problem wouldn’t be solved? He was content right then, in the moment. That is all that mattered to him right then, and that was more than he would ever be willing to ask for. He finally felt someone. He finally felt Nick.