Archive of Our Own ^beta

“I’m getting my driver’s license soon,” Susie says.

“You’re what?” Ralsei, who’d been sitting in comfortable silence with Susie, the two of them watching Kris and Noelle and Lancer play…well, some sort of game that looks a lot like fetch but isn’t, according to the three of them, turns to face Susie. “Where’s this coming from?”

Susie shrugs. “It’s been on my mind.”

In front of them, Kris trips over their own paws, rolls twice, and leaps back up to snag a stick out of Noelle’s hands. They stumble, a bit—it’s a big enough stick that it drags on the ground when they hold it in their jaws—but soon they’re pelting off towards the castle with Noelle and Lancer hot on their heels.

“…is that why you’re not playing, uh, whatever game that is?” Ralsei asks. Susie laughs, leaning back against the wall.

“A bit,” she says, “mostly I just kept getting lost when Noelle and Kris tried to explain it to me. I think it’s some game they made up when they were little? And it shows, because the rules really don’t make any sense.” She smiles, fond, and Ralsei feels much the same in her own chest. Even if she has no idea what Kris is doing…it is nice to watch them charge through Castle Town, so carefree. Especially when Ralsei can remember clearly the months where Kris only ever came down here to yowl to the ceiling and tear at their own arms.

Weird to think it’s been so long. Kris’s 16^th birthday come and gone—spent mostly in the Dark World, despite Ralsei’s urgings for Kris to go be with their family—and Susie and Noelle both now 17. Everyone’s growing up, and Ralsei’s just…

“Anyways,” Susie says, and Ralsei shakes out her head to refocus, “I guess the driver’s license stuff is just—dunno. Weird?”

“Doesn’t it just let you drive a car?”

Susie punches Ralsei’s shoulder, though not hard enough that it hurts. “Smartass. It’s not the driving part. It’s…they need your full name. And I’m not really sure what to do about that.”

“…Susie won’t work?”

“I’m not sure if you’re being annoying or just don’t know how the Light World works,” Susie says, squinting at Ralsei. She flushes, ducking her head. “Either way. My first name is fine. You need a last name. I kind of…don’t have one. I mean, I technically have one, but it’s…it’s not really been mine for a really long time. And Kris’s mom’s been helping me, but—”

She’s cut off by Kris throwing themself into Susie’s lap, and saying, “are you telling Ralsei about all the car stuff?”

“Aren’t you playing your weird game?” Susie hooks her arms under Kris’s armpits, standing and hauling Kris up dangling with her. Kris giggles, knocking one of their paws against Susie’s side. For all the time that’s passed Kris looks just as Ralsei’s always remembered them; she’s honestly not sure if they’ve grown any taller since they were 14. The fur of their paw-gloves is matted a bit with mud, but that might just be from the game.

“Was,” Kris says, and twists around to stick their tongue out at Noelle, who’s come around much slower, “but someone cheated.”

“You cheated first,” Noelle says.

“Me? Never.” Kris wriggles until Susie sets them down, trotting over to Noelle and leaning their head against her leg. They blink big puppy-dog eyes up at her. “Is this the face of a cheater?”

“Yes,” Noelle says, flatly.

“Traitor.” Kris circles around to Ralsei, and flops down beside her. “You trust me. Right, Ralsei?”

Kris’s head is resting on her knee, staring up at her with sweet maroon eyes, and it’s not like Ralsei can see their tail but she’s heard Kris tell her enough times that she knows when it’s wagging, and it is now, slowly thumping against the rock.

Ralsei squeaks.

“Don’t be a sore loser,” Noelle says, and she sits down next to Susie, who lifts her arm for Noelle to lean up against her, and Ralsei just—

Okay. She’ll just stare out ahead. That’s fine.

“Never,” Kris repeats.

“Where’s Lancer?” Susie asks.

Noelle shrugs. “Ran off with the stick. I think there’s a really good chance he won before I did, but me and Kris didn’t see it and you can’t win if nobody else sees you. Anyways, were you talking about getting your license?”

Susie slumps. “Not this again.”

“Susie!” Noelle knocks an antler against Susie’s side. Susie, somehow, slumps ever further, until she’s basically lying on the ground. Noelle rolls her eyes. “It doesn’t have to be like—like a marriage thing! I’m just saying, you can put Holiday for your last name and I’m okay with that! Plus, we’ve been dating for like, what, a year and a half or something now? It’s fine!”

“Or she could be a Dreemurr.” Kris lifts their head to look over at Susie and Noelle. “‘Cause it’s my mom helping her. So Susie Dreemurr is better.”

“Or neither,” Susie says, groaning, “neither also works.”

“Um,” Ralsei says.

“Susie won’t pick a last name to use for her license!” Noelle says, which, yes, Ralsei picked up on that part. She’s mostly just confused about everything after. “Even though she has a bunch of really great friends and one amazing girlfriend who are offering their own last names for her to pick from.”

“I’m going to be real with you both right now,” Susie says, in a tone of voice that makes Ralsei think she’s had this exact conversation quite a few times now, “I love you both so much. I’ll die before I become a part of the Holiday-Dreemurr family. I refuse to share a last name with either of your siblings.”

Kris huffs. “Dess isn’t that bad.” At the same time, Noelle says, “so maybe Dess is a little bad.”

Susie glances to Ralsei. “You see what I have to deal with up there?”

“Oh, actually!” Noelle says, waving a hand, “moving on from this, I forgot to warn you guys. Dess called earlier, she’s coming back this weekend. Just her, though, I guess Asriel’s busy?”

Kris perks up, moving over to nudge at Noelle. “Really?”

Ralsei bushes a hand over the spot where Kris’s head was, moments before. It’s stupid. It’s really stupid.

Her scarf is warm.

“New idea,” Susie says, rather loudly, “I take the final test in a week. How about, rather than hang around here for the weekend, we all go on a roadtrip. One last hurrah until I can drive legally.”

“Crime!” Kris cheers, dropping down into something like a play-bow. “I like it!”

Ralsei stands before Noelle can add her own opinion. “If you’re—maybe you should go back up,” she says. “If you’re talking about…Light World stuff.”

Susie frowns for a moment, before she flinches and says, “shit, Rals, I totally forgot. Damn, now a roadtrip doesn’t sound as fun. We can just sleepover in the Dark World for like, two days. That’s sort of like a roadtrip?”

“No,” Ralsei says, “you guys can have fun. But…” she should probably be doing something. Dusting the rooms in the castle. Finding wherever Lancer ran off to. She’s been down here hanging out for too long, anyways, and Castle Town isn’t going to run itself!

Ha…

“Ralsei.” Kris whines, padding over to nudge their head against her knee. “Don’t run off.”

“You’re our friend, too,” Noelle adds. “We’re not going to go do all this stuff without you. That isn’t fair.”

“I don’t mind, seriously,” Ralsei says, and she needs to leave, get out of here before things get worse, because she wants, yes, there is a part of her nonexistent soul that wants to stay, wants to hang out with her friends, wants, so much, but—

They have the Light World. She’s not about to…

It’s selfish to keep them down here.

“Seriously,” Ralsei repeats.

Noelle glances over to Susie. Something passes between them, a few expressions, like a conversation, like two people who have known each other for so long they can communicate like that, just in looks, and Ralsei stumbles backwards. Kris is still whining, soft coyote-sounds, and Ralsei’s known them long enough that that’s a conversation, too, saying please don’t go.

The world, all-of-a-sudden, presses hard on her shoulders.

Ralsei takes a step—

—and Kris grabs the fabric of her cloak sharp between their teeth. “No,” they growl, and something in Ralsei’s chest flutters. “No. Not fair you’re stuck down here. Not…” they trail off, dropping Ralsei’s cloak to instead lean against her legs. “We’re gonna do the roadtrip. ‘Cause I did one roadtrip and it was…not great.” She nods to Susie and Noelle. “And now things are better. And I want to do a better one. A real one. With you guys. All of you.”

“Kris, I can’t—”

Kris shakes their head before she can finish. “I’ll find a way,” they say, and they grin up at her, their one sharper canine poking into their lip. “I always do. Don’t I?”

There’s a lot of things Ralsei could say to that. Like, two years ago, you came down here, and wanted to die. Like, what about all our conversations, about being wrong in this world? Or perhaps, most damningly, you forgave Dess.

But then again, maybe that just proves their point. All of that, and Kris is still here, and confident, and they charge through the Dark World as a coyote, no matter what else their body might say.

So Ralsei just sighs, and pretends she doesn’t notice the worried looks Noelle and Susie exchange. “Alright,” she says, like a rock around her chest. “I trust you.”

Kris returns alone the next day, a locket held between their teeth.

“It used to be mine.” Kris sits back to sign, their paws curling into the shape of their words. “I found it once when me ‘n Susie went out to the lake. Think someone lost it maybe?” They tilt their head. “Anyways. Back when we were saving the world ‘n such. You said, the dark fountains give us shape? Or something to that effect.”

Kris places the locket into Ralsei’s lap.

“So,” they continue, “I thought, dark worlds are in things. Like behind doors. And lockets have doors sorta. And then I kinda maybe got my knife ‘n opened up a dark world real small in the locket.”

“Kris,” Ralsei says. The locket is cold against her fur. It gleams golden, heavy like something sodden.

Kris grins. “Told you I’d figure out a way.”

“You don’t even know if this is going to work,” Ralsei says. Her words are all hushed, because she can’t stop staring at the locket. It’s reflective enough she can see her own face staring back at her, and Kris leans over to add their reflection into the mix, half-distorted.

Ralsei doesn’t really like looking at herself, actually. Does Kris feel the same?

She fastens the locket around her neck. It presses into her chest.

Kris’s breath is warm. “Wanna try it?” they ask. “Susie ‘n Noelle are waiting in the school. Mom said yes to the roadtrip but in that way where she’s kinda like, I’m not sure this is a good idea but also you’re getting older and I trust you to not be really stupid out there. Or something like that. Uncle Rudy thought it was a real good idea though so he said we can use his car since he can’t.”

“They’re just—up there?” Ralsei’s hands worry into the knit of her scarf. She’s careful with it, because Kris made it for her and she’s not letting it break, but the stitches are perfect for her to tug careful at, rather than yanking out her own fur. “Waiting for us?”

“For you,” Kris says, and can’t they see what that does to her? “It’s gonna be great! You can get up there ‘n then we got the car and Noelle has directions to the ocean! It’s like kinda long but! Mom said it’s okay if we’re gone for longer than the weekend. I think ‘cause Dess is coming over and apparently it’s for a real big reason so.” Kris frowns. “Actually maybe Mom doesn’t want me ‘n Noelle to hear it. Probably there’s drama or something.”

Kris shakes themself. “Anyway!” They slap their paws against the floor. “Let’s go! No waiting anymore.” They charge off.

“What if it doesn’t work?” Ralsei stays rooted to the floor. Kris skids to a stop, glances back at her, and lifts a paw as if offering it to them.

“It will,” Kris says, “I know it will. You trust me?”

Yes, Ralsei doesn’t say, that’s the problem.

Kris sets their paw back down before Ralsei can take it, and heads over to the brightness that brings them back up to the Light World. They pace around it, once, twice, as Ralsei makes her way over to join them.

It’s the brightest thing she’s ever seen.

Kris beams up at her. “Ready?”

“No,” Ralsei says. Kris laughs, takes her hand between their teeth, tugs gently.

This is a bad idea. But Kris is holding her hand, and their teeth don’t hurt, and Ralsei’s seen enough scribbled doodles Kris has done to know what they might look like with their head tilted—one ear pricked up, their other ear floppy and dangling down. Sharp-toothed and sweet and soft, and here they are, down in the dark with Ralsei, rather than up with their friends, who don’t need lockets with pure shadow-dark hidden away inside just to maybe see the world above.

Ralsei steps into the light.

The Light World is—

The first thing she knows is that Susie has dragged her into a hug, with a, “Ralsei! Fuck yeah! The gang’s all here!”

Her scales are…

In the dark world they’re more pink, and they’re purple up here, maybe a duller shade, actually, but—but they aren’t dull, because how could they be? Because there’s a light Ralsei can hear buzzing up above them and it casts Susie’s scales in thousands of shades of color, more color than Ralsei has seen before in her entire life. Because everything is bright, like thousands and thousands and thousands of the torches Ralsei has burning in her castle are all glowing at once, coalescing into something so brilliant Ralsei can’t look at it straight.

The locket pulses like a heartbeat against her chest.

“Ralsei?” That’s Noelle, right? Probably Noelle. “I don’t think she’s breathing, where did I put those…”

“Hey, c’mon.” Susie. That one is Susie, because she’s still got an arm around Ralsei, and Ralsei can hear the rumble of her voice where she’s leaning into her. “Breathe, Ralsei. In, out. You’re okay, we’re all here. Noelle’s trying to find you some sunglasses.”

Air doesn’t exist up here. That’s the only thing that explains it. Ralsei coughs.

Something warm presses against Ralsei’s legs. Susie says, “and Kris is here, too. They’re going to keep you standing while I help Noelle. How about you sit down, yeah, that’s it…” Ralsei sinks onto the floor, and as Susie leaves Kris remains, and Ralsei grabs them maybe too hard, but they’re the only one who is the same up here—the same messy dark hair, their same paws, their same necklaces, the one with the different colored chews and the new one with the dogtag Susie got for their birthday, the one that says if lost return to Susie, and when Kris told Ralsei about it they couldn’t stop laughing through their entire explanation.

And there’s the bit of antler Noelle had Kris’s name carved into, threaded onto their third and final necklace, and that’s the button Ralsei made for them, yellow-white-purple-black, pinned to their shirt, except it’s all—

Because there’s still light, and it still bounces off of everything. It’s sharp on the metal of the dogtag, like magic aimed right at Ralsei’s eyes, and even the button glints with it, so instead Ralsei stares at the antler, ever-brown and dark.

She doesn’t know how Noelle stands it—

Kris whines something that might be Ralsei’s name, and nudges their head against her side. Kris isn’t moving away, and Kris is here, and they’re the only thing familiar in this world.

She hides her face against their side.

Kris says, “Noelle’s bringing over the sunglasses.”

Ralsei hugs Kris a little tighter. They huff.

“Oh, alright,” they say, and lean into Ralsei’s touch. “Just ‘cause I love you.”

I do too, but Ralsei can’t even say that, and so it stays wrapped up tight in her chest, along with all the rest of her thoughts that swim around her head and never go away, no matter what she does. Like the light still trickling through, even with her eyes squeezed shut and her face pressed against Kris’s side. I love you I love you I love you.

According to Noelle, it takes Ralsei nearly half an hour before she’s able to leave the school, and she manages about three seconds outside before she’s retreating back inside. Because inside is bright but outside is something different, because she’s never seen or felt the sun but it’s warm and burning and bright and brilliant and—

“You guys can make sure we have everything?” Kris offers, sticking by Ralsei’s side. “I can wait with Ralsei ‘til she’s ready.”

But Kris is moreso. So Ralsei says, “actually, I think I’ll be okay,” and she makes sure her sunglasses are secure, and is able to make it to the car without passing out. Susie’s driving, and apparently Kris and Noelle have already battled for who gets to sit up front with her, and Kris’s won this first round, leaving Ralsei to sit in the back with Noelle.

“Are you sure you don’t want to wait inside a bit longer?” Noelle asks, as Ralsei figures out how to work the seatbelt. “We can always delay things another hour or so. It’s not like we need to be anywhere at a specific time, this is just to have fun.”

“It’s fine,” Ralsei says, and doesn’t look up to the front, where Kris is trying to wrestle Susie over who gets to choose the music, “I’m—it’s okay. It was just. A lot. All at once.” She touches a hand to the sharp end of the heart-shaped locket, feeling for the darkness pulsing within. She is…stable. Her form isn’t fading at the edges, and if it hasn’t started yet it probably won’t ever, at least, based on her guesses. “I never thought I’d be able to come up here.”

“We’re all glad to have you,” Noelle says. She’s watching Ralsei with—something. Ralsei looks down at the floor under her feet. “Kris didn’t let me or Susie help, you know. They wanted to do this all by themself.”

Ralsei smiles. “That’s our Kris.”

“You said my name?” Kris pokes their head out from trying to grab Susie’s arm between their teeth, and it’s enough distraction that Susie picks them up and shoves them back into their seat. “Hey! No fair!”

“I’m picking the music,” Susie tells them. Kris growls and shakes their head, but otherwise doesn’t move to attack again, instead poking Susie’s side once before twisting back to look at Ralsei and Noelle.

“Lame,” Kris tells them, and then, just to Ralsei, with their brow furrowed and their teeth half-bared in something like playful threat, “you made me lose.”

“Sorry?” Ralsei drops the locket. “I just…wanted to say thank you, I guess. For…”

“Getting you out of there?” Kris leans on the hump between the front seats. “Good. ‘Cause now that you’re out you don’t gotta go back. I can show you around Hometown! Well, when we get back.” They glance over to Susie. “We’re leaving first?”

“Unless you want to explain Ralsei to your mom.”

Kris nods. “We’re leaving first.”

Noelle snorts, leaning forwards in her seat to push Kris back into their own. “Sit down, Kris, we haven’t even started moving and you’re going to give me a heart attack if you keep getting out of your seat like that.”

“Please,” Kris says, but flops down in their seat, stretching out their arms before resting their head on them. The fur on their paw-gloves pokes against their chin.

“Marginally better,” Noelle allows, and sits back and buckles herself in. “Ralsei, are you good? You’ve never been in a car before, have you?”

“No,” Ralsei confirms. “Is it…bad?”

“You’ll find out!” Susie calls, and the car jerks forwards like some sort of angry horse. It sends Ralsei jolting, getting used to the motion of things, because okay she was not expecting this. Kris laughs, loud and bright, pawing at the window until they find whatever latch rolls it down, sticking their head out. Through their window Ralsei feels faint wind on her fur, smells sharp scents she can’t make out—like trees and open air and the sort of things that never appear in caves.

“Goodbye, Hometown!” Kris yowls, their paws braced on the windowsill, their hair blowing in their face, “see you never!”

“We’re coming back in like, four days,” Susie says, amused.

“See you in four days!” Kris corrects. They close their eyes and grin, but not something big like they’ve been doing recently, like a grin-for-show—something small, and special, and Ralsei sees it through the cracks between seat and wall and faintly reflected back into her own window. It makes her chest flutter, but maybe that’s just the movement of the car, picking up speed as they pass a bus stop and the buildings of Hometown all start to fall away, replaced by just the road, and grass on either side of it, and a sky so wide and blue and endless.

Kris pulls their head back in and pokes their nose between the gap. “Do you like the Light World so far?”

Ralsei’s seeing the world through black-tinted glasses, and so it throws off the colors of Kris’s skin, hair, necklaces. But Ralsei knows them better than she knows her own face watching her back in the glass of the window.

“I do,” she says, breathless, because maybe it’s not either-or, Kris-or-the-Light-World—maybe it’s all just one in the same.

Driving, as it turns out, takes a really long time.

Ralsei knew that going in, a bit—she knew her friends said it was over twelve hours to the ocean, so, of course they were going to be driving for a while! But…time above is different. The sun moves in the sky, rising and sinking throughout the day, and right now it glares and glints off the metal of every car that passes, so Ralsei’s added a second pair of sunglasses onto the first, and that doesn’t really help, but it’s better than nothing. Kris has gone quiet, and Ralsei thinks they might be sleeping, because in recent times she’s never seen Kris sit still, always racing around, making her dizzy trying to follow. The fact that Susie’s changed the music from something loud enough Ralsei feels it within her to something more muted makes her think the sleeping theory is right.

But Kris being asleep means Ralsei has nobody to talk to, because Susie is focused on driving and Noelle is reading a book—for class was her explanation when Ralsei asked why—and looking out the window is…

It’s so expansive. Ralsei can’t wrap her head around it. There’s so much, because the sky just goes on, and on, and on, and the road keeps crawling across the land, and there’s grass and past that there’s trees, and beyond the trees there’s little towns, and there’s other cars, and people. There’s no end to this world, and Ralsei can feel the weight of it around her, even in this little car.

Castle Town has a beginning, and an end, and a defined space between. This place is all betweens.

“Kris was up all night getting that locket to work,” Noelle says, and Ralsei jumps, her claws catching in the fabric of her seat. When she looks to Noelle she’s set her book aside, frowning. “That’s why they’re asleep, I mean.”

“Oh,” Ralsei says. She rubs her fur back flat, traces the edge of the locket. “Why are you telling me?”

Noelle shrugs. “You were shaking. Thought you might need a distraction.”

“I—was?” Ralsei didn’t even notice. She swallows. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine.” Noelle points out towards the windows. “It’s a lot, isn’t it? I know this isn’t the exact same as you’re feeling, but the first time I ever left Hometown? I don’t think I spoke to Dad the entire trip. I couldn’t find the words.”

“I just…can’t believe anything is this big.” It’s not enough to sum up everything she feels, but she’s not sure how else to say it. What is it that Kris said, about words never coming easy to them? In the face of this sky Ralsei struggles to figure out how to speak of it. “I’m not supposed to be up here.”

“Ralsei—”

“I mean.” Ralsei groans. Underneath her the car hums along. “I’m—I’m a Darkner. This isn’t…”

If Kris were awake, they’d growl at Ralsei for bringing up the prophecy. But she can’t help it. It was wrong about her. She knows that, because she knows she never was a prince, and she knows Kris never was a human, no matter what it says. But at the same time it’s the prophecy, and it kept her alive long enough to meet Kris and Susie and Noelle, and it was right! They did save the world, prevent the Roaring. And then Kris kept coming back. And then Kris never left.

And now she’s up here, where no Darkner has ever been, and all she can think is prophecy and Kris and of the two at least she knows what to do with the former.

“I just,” Ralsei starts, and breaks off that thought, too. “I didn’t think it would be so bright.”

“The world is like that,” Noelle says.

Bright like nothing she’s ever known.

Bright like Kris.

“Forever?” Ralsei asks, and her voice cracks.

“You’ve got all of us,” Noelle offers, “so. Hopefully not forever.”

“Right,” Ralsei whispers, leaning back in her seat, and chancing a look out the window, where fields of green and yellow roll by, the grass in constant motion. She’s heard the ocean has waves, like the water itself is breathing, in and out. Is that what they look like? The waving of grass, the waving of the ocean.

Ralsei breathes. In and out.

The road unfurls ever-onwards.

For lunch they stop at a grocery store, one that Kris noticed while on the highway, and nipped at Susie until she agreed to take them to it. Apparently there’s a lot of Light World snacks Kris claims are basically a crime you never had them Ralsei, and they have the money to afford buying a bunch of snacks, so to the store they go.

“Will you be alright?” Noelle asks, as Kris bounds out of the car and is already charging for the store before they’ve even stopped completely, pausing halfway there with one paw raised and looking back at them, head tilted, signing, hurry up! “There’s a lot of florescent lights in stores, and they can be worse than the sun for some people.”

Ralsei shrugs. She has her two pairs of sunglasses, and Susie says she’s got a third pair, just in case.

“Just leave if you need to, alright?”

“I will.” Ralsei…means it. Probably. It’s hard to tell.

She thinks she might face a thousand burning lights, if it was for Kris.

“Guys!” Kris yaps, stomping back over. “You’re all so slow. Ralsei’s never had poptarts before! We’re getting every single flavor of poptart.”

Susie, the one holding all the money, glances down. “We have, like, 50 dollars. The rest is for hotels and real food and shit.”

Kris shrugs. “Fifty dollars can buy a lot of poptarts.”

Ralsei says, “what’s a poptart?”

And that’s how they enter the store, all as a group, Kris leading the way, Ralsei right up there with them, breathless with the size of the store.

It’s better than the road in that it is clearly defined: there is an entrance, and an exit, and four walls to mark off where, exactly, the grocery store begins and ends. But that’s about the only way it is better, because it’s also packed. Sound hits Ralsei’s ears, all of it at once, the rattle of carts and the talk of other people and the buzzing of the lights up above, which keep flickering like the rapid beat of a terrified heart. Kris abandons her to go after the carts, nosing at one until Susie goes over to grab it. While Noelle casts Ralsei a worried look, Ralsei waves her off to join the other two, so Noelle goes to stand near Susie, the two of them leaning into each other like it’s second nature. One of Susie’s hands finds Noelle’s, and Ralsei watches that, feels her own hands twitch at her sides.

“I think,” Ralsei says, just to herself, “that this might have been a mistake.” When she looks down at her hands, they’re trembling, ever-so-slightly. The locket Kris gave her beats against her chest, and Ralsei wraps her hands around that, instead, tries to let the darkness inside seep into her form, like maybe then the lights won’t be so bad, like maybe then the sounds will muffle themselves.

She’s standing in a store and she knows everybody is looking at her, the prince pretending at being a girl who is pretending at being a person, like she ever was one to begin with. Like she’s not just shadow and reflection, distorting her own shapes because she can’t even do her job right. Like she’s alive, and in the light, somewhere no Darkner has ever gone because they aren’t supposed to, because that’s not what they’re meant to do, and she isn’t supposed to be here. Why is she here? Why?

They’re all looking at her. She knows it like she knows her name like she wants to know everything else, like she wants the world to shape itself into the form of the prophecy, spelling out here is what you do, so she can do that and stop choosing wrong.

Something cold presses against her side, and Ralsei jumps. Kris, poking a nail to her leg, says, soft, “Ralsei, if you wanna leave we can. I can get the poptarts and you can wait in the car.”

“No,” Ralsei says, and her voice is shaking, but she repeats it, and hopes maybe that’s a little stronger. “No. No, it’s fine. I can—”

“I know not-fine.” Kris sits down, butts their head to Ralsei’s side. “I’ve been not-fine. It’s okay.”

“I don’t—” deserve you, but Kris isn’t walking away. Susie and Noelle are there, too, quiet but there, and Ralsei wants—wants—

I don’t know.

She never really has.

Kris says, “do you want to leave?”

“I want to go with you,” is what Ralsei manages. “To—to the poptarts. And find out what they are.”

Everything is still too much. Ralsei’s still shaking, just a bit. She probably shouldn’t be here. She knows she shouldn’t be here.

But Kris wanted her anyways.

Kris is warm and solid against her, and so Ralsei stays.

At least, she tries.

But then Susie and Noelle split off to get food of their own, promising both to find actual food for lunch and snacks for Ralsei, Susie and Noelle and Kris all getting Ralsei to agree to let them know who brings her the best food, and crown them winner. But then Ralsei has to watch the two of them go off, catches a kiss she knows she wasn’t meant to see, and thinks—

She just.

There’s.

She’s never known how Noelle can be so—so herself, because Ralsei wakes up every day and knows she’s lying. Sometimes she pushes it down. But it’s true, so it never really goes away. But Noelle just—is.

Maybe that’s what being a Lightner is like.

So. Moving on. To when it’s just her and Kris, and Kris twining around her legs, and using her as a brace when they rear up to snag boxes off the higher shelves, pressing their head to her hand when she stops moving for too long. Because Kris is alive and Kris is choosing to spend that time with her, spend an entire night opening up darkness in a locket just so Ralsei can stand here, in an aisle full of blue boxes advertising so many different flavors. Because there’s two humans in this aisle with them and Ralsei can do nothing but feel their gazes on her skin, even as Kris moves about on four limbs, barks sharp and bares their teeth, springs backwards and creeps forwards, claims coyote so proud with every part of their being.

And it’s not fair, for Ralsei to think—how is it so easy? Because she knows it isn’t, because she was there, as Kris tore up their skin, because she’s there, still, on the days where Kris comes to Castle Town to chew rocks because they’ve torn up all their chews, because Asriel came back and they had a fight, because one of their paw-gloves ripped and they had to leave them behind for their mom to fix, because they overheard Noelle telling Susie sometimes I wish Kris never forgave Dess so I wouldn’t have to see her all the time, and even if they know, know that doesn’t mean they have to feel the same, that they don’t have to defend Dess, snarl wrong at Noelle—it still sent them up top Castle Town’s cliffs, screaming at the void-sky above.

But Kris is here, and barking. And Ralsei is here, and shaking.

Kris looks in mirrors, now. Ralsei’s not sure what they see.

But they look.

Ralsei’s dragged back by Kris’s teeth in her arm, sharp enough to sting but not enough to leave a mark. She flinches, looks down, where Kris’s brow is furrowed and they’re worrying at their lip.

“I said, if you wanna go we can. You don’t gotta—I know you’re not doing good.” Kris’s voice is soft. “I’m not trying to drag you all around. Sorry if you felt like I was.”

“Kris, no.” Ralsei shakes her head, kneels down at Kris’s tugging, and Kris whines low and tucks their head over her shoulder in a hug. “It’s not—it’s not you. I want to be where you are. It’s just…”

“Bright?” Kris offers. “Loud?” They glare up at the ceiling. “I’d fight the light for you. If I could.”

Ralsei giggles. “I’m glad you’d try.” And that’s a flutter in her chest, and that’s—

Because there’s where she always ends up.

The words swim inside of her I love you, and Kris tells her as such all the time, but never the way they circle in Ralsei. Because Kris is saying let’s go find Noelle ‘n Susie so we can buy poptarts and get out of here, and they’re taking Ralsei’s hand gentle, and the thing is they do that to Noelle and Susie both, and Ralsei knows for a fact Kris has always seen Noelle as a sister.

It’s how Kris calls Ralsei pack. But pack just means family.

It’s.

Ralsei stands. Kris makes a sound like a startled yelp, their dogtags jangling. “Ralsei,” Kris says, “seriously, you’re all—”

“Sorry,” Ralsei says, and she means it. She means it in every sense of the word.

“Do you wanna go home…?” Kris trails behind her, as Ralsei goes to collect their forgotten cart and start trying to find Susie and Noelle. “We can go home and all hang out there. It’ll be fun still! I wanna show you Hometown. It’s kinda boring but there’s some good there. Mostly you and Susie and Noelle but a bit more.”

“No,” Ralsei snaps. Kris whines. “I mean—I can do this. I can. I want to see the ocean.”

“Okay,” Kris says, and they brush against Ralsei’s side, the same way they would Noelle, and Ralsei hates every stupid fiber of her being for the way she grits her teeth at the action.

It’s not on Kris. It’s not, it’s not, because Ralsei can’t want, want something like she wants to be a girl, but she’s just pretending and she knows it, because she is not a person like Kris is a person, like Susie, like Noelle.

She wasn’t ever supposed to be up here.

She should’ve never agreed to this.

I love you, Ralsei mutters to the empty inside her head, and pretends that Kris’s warmth at her side means love in the same way.

The ocean is like the end of the world, isn’t it?

She’s lived through that, before. Maybe then this will all make sense.

This time it’s Noelle and Susie up in the front of the car. Ralsei eats her poptarts and the other snacks that were bought for her, and they’re all tasteless on her tongue. Kris alternates between staring out the window and flopping across Ralsei’s lap, dozing on-and-off while Noelle twists around and groans about their lack of seatbelt, and Kris clambers into the trunk as if to prove some point.

“They’re going to die one of these days,” Noelle is saying, mostly to Susie, but Ralsei overhears, because of course she does. “Kris is.”

“I mean,” Susie says, “I mostly trust myself when I’m driving. Hope that’s enough to keep them safe.”

“No, I know, and I trust you too.” Noelle grins and leans across her seat to knock against Susie, who hums and rests her snout between Noelle’s antlers. “It’s just—sometimes you can’t stop them. You know? That’s a lot of stuff that I see. And that I’ve learned from your driving lessons. Sometimes it’s the other person’s fault, and you can’t do anything but react, and sometimes it’s just! Sometimes it’s just bad and nobody is at fault but it happened, and you have to live with it.”

She sighs. “And I’m just…I get why they don’t. I know seatbelts are built for bipedal people and since like, almost everyone is bipedal, they just don’t have anything else. And I know being forced to sit like that is bad for Kris, because I have things that are bad for me, too! I just—wish there was something we could do.”

Noelle shakes her head and sits back up, moving back to her own seat. “Look at me. Talking about this and then I’m all unsafe too.”

“You’re fine,” Susie says, “if you were being distracting, I’d tell you.”

“No you wouldn’t.” Noelle’s grinning, a bit. “You love me too much.”

“Maybe a bit.”

Noelle snorts. “I’m going to learn to drive just so we can have the exact reverse of this conversation.”

“What, tired of mooching off of your girlfriend?” Susie’s tone is teasing.

“Never,” says Noelle, turning to look out the front window, where the sun is setting and the sky is all orange and red, vivid in a way Castle Town could never be. “But. Might be nice. I’ve never really had a reason to want to leave Hometown.”

“And you do now?”

“I mean.” Noelle points out to the sky. “It’s…nice. All of us, out here. I liked.” She flushes, a bit. “Well. I like when it’s just the two of us. I thought…maybe that sort of trip would be fun.”

Ralsei turns away and tries not to keep listening.

Asleep on Ralsei, Kris yawns, showing sharp teeth, stretching out their forepaws and trapping Ralsei’s arm underneath them. Her legs are starting to fall asleep, and her arm probably will, too, if Kris doesn’t move.

I want, Ralsei thinks. She wants a lot of things. She’s not supposed to, but she does, and she’s here, and it’s the worst. A trip for two.

Ralsei’s not sure she’d ever make it. But.

There’s something curling in her gut.

Maybe it’s not fair, that Noelle and Susie get to have what they have. Maybe it’s not fair, that Ralsei listened in on them. Maybe none of it is fair, the way Kris sleeps against Ralsei and Ralsei can’t even get her stupid mouth to work long enough to tell Kris everything she wants them to know. Maybe it’s not fair that she lets Kris do this anyways.

She wants. She wants something like Susie and Noelle have. She wants, because Noelle is a Lightner, and gets to have that sort of thing, while Ralsei is here but never should’ve been.

She leans her head against the window. The road shakes.

The sun sinks below the horizon.

Noelle’s the one who gets them a hotel room, and it’s a small one—they don’t have the money to be getting the larger ones, says Kris. One room, two beds. Ralsei enters the room, sets down the small bag she was tasked with carrying, and decides in that moment that she is going to just sleep on the floor or something.

Kris trots in and pushes past her, leaping up onto the bed closest to the door and turning in a circle. “This is fine,” they say.

“Just fine?” Susie asks.

Kris nods, flopping onto their side. “Yup. Kinda scratchy.”

“Probably because you’re lying on the comforter,” Noelle points out. She’s the last one in the room, and she pulls the door shut, and the thud of that is what makes Ralsei realize she’s kind of blocking the door, so she moves further into the room. “You’re not supposed to sleep on that.”

Kris wrinkles their nose. “Still. Should be better.”

“Probably,” Susie agrees, throwing her own bag onto the single desk in the room, close to the window. Ralsei follows just to look down—they’re up on the third floor, which means they have a great view of the road past the parking lot and the dark sky. “Okay. We’ve got, like, eight fruit cups in here. That could be dinner.”

“…I knew we forgot something!” Noelle yells. “I was going to say we should stop to eat somewhere! Oh, well.” She heads over to join Susie. “Is this all our food?”

“Nah.” Susie pulls out…something. One of the snacks Ralsei hasn’t eaten, yet, probably. She’s really got nothing to add in this conversation, so she wanders off, like there’s anywhere else to go in the room. She makes the mistake of getting a little bit too close to the bed Kris is watching them all from, because Kris perks up when she passes.

“Ralsei!” Kris grins. “We’re gonna share a bed. Cool?”

Ralsei looks down at the floor. It’s not even carpeted.

“Cool,” Ralsei says. Her voice sounds flat even to her, and Kris frowns, but thankfully doesn’t push it.

What is Ralsei supposed to tell them? No, I don’t want to share a bed, because you cuddle in your sleep and I don’t think I can handle that? That I hate how aware I am of every touch? That I know I’m not supposed to be here, still, but I am, and you wanted me here, and I can’t even be good at that?

She cups her locket close to her chest, and wonders, distantly, if there’s a dark world, inside there, something beyond just endless stretching void. Presumably there’s nothing inside the locket, because Kris knows that would’ve been a bad idea, and it’s got her out here, which means it must be using its power to sustain her, not something within.

Ralsei snorts. Sustained by Kris’s hopes and dreams. Like that’s anything new.

She goes to join Noelle and Susie in digging through their snacks.

It takes a good 15 minutes, but eventually Susie decides to go see if the hotel has anything decent in their vending machines they can raid, so they’re not just eating fruit cups. Kris heads off with her, leaving just Ralsei and Noelle alone in the room. Ralsei picks up a fruit cup and turns it over in her hands.

“So,” Noelle says, and Ralsei glances her way, “are you…okay?”

“Yes,” Ralsei says, dropping the fruit cup.

Noelle stares at her.

“Why do you care?”

“Because you’re my friend,” Noelle says, “and because I think I might be the reason why? I noticed you watching me and Susie, and I don’t know why, but I know it made you really quiet. Are you—”

“No!” Ralsei shakes her head, waving her hands, “no, no, it’s not you, it’s not her, it’s—it’s—look, okay, so maybe there’s something but I swear that isn’t it. I’m.” She shakes her head again. “It’s not that. I’m glad you’re happy.”

“Well, that’s good,” Noelle mutters, more to herself. Ralsei steps back to go stare at the cars far down below them, the glinting lights of streetlamps. “…is it Kris?”

Ralsei stiffens. “What.”

“I know you usually talk to Kris about the stuff that bothers you,” Noelle continues, coming up to stand beside Ralsei, join her in staring out the window. “Because your problems tend to have more similarities than differences. It’s why I talk to Susie about my stuff more than Kris or you. But…oh, I don’t know. I’ve just been noticing.”

Terrible. Awful and bad and how is she noticing because if Noelle is picking up on it that means Kris might and there is no world where Ralsei can let that happen. “It’s nothing.”

“Sure,” Noelle says. “I won’t push if you don’t want me to. Just—it’s really not good to keep everything bottled up. Talk to them.”

Ralsei says nothing, but curls her claws into her scarf.

“Or,” Noelle adds, “you could finally go to therapy.”

“Please.” Ralsei snorts. “Who in Castle Town would make a good therapist?”

“There’s, uh…okay, fair point.” Still, Noelle shrugs. “But I wasn’t talking about that. You’re up here now, aren’t you?”

Interacting with a Lightner. One she doesn’t already know.

There could be no worse world.

“…probably not,” Ralsei says. She knows Kris likes their therapist, they’ve told her that enough times, but…

Kris is a Lightner. Ralsei never will be.

The door slams open. “We’ve got!” Kris yowls, half-muffled through the bag they’ve got clutched in their jaws, “a lot of cookies!”

“They had Chips Ahoy,” Susie adds, “and we kind of bought every single bag.”

“From two machines.” Kris drops the bag and rolls over to bat at Susie’s. Susie lifts it higher, so they can’t reach it, and Kris struggles back to their paws, growling playful at her. “And I made us buy these weird flavored chips too.”

Susie sets her bag down and that’s when Kris tackles her into the bed.

Noelle doesn’t even bat an eye, just digs through Susie’s bag. “Huh,” she comments, as Kris shrieks something like victory from where they’ve managed to pin Susie down, though it only lasts a second because Kris is very small and Susie can just pick them up with one hand, “these say they’re beefsteak flavored. I think I hate them already.”

“They’re awful,” Susie agrees, tucking Kris under her arm. Kris yowls, tries to wriggle free, and to them, Susie says, “you’re a baby. You’re so tiny.”

“Never!” Kris is laughing, tugging themself backwards, and they manage to twist out of Susie’s grip, their hair sticking up even worse than it already does. Their entire body is shaking, but not like Ralsei’s does—like they’re so full of joy they don’t have any way to contain it all, a coyote wagging their tail hard enough to knock them over. They skitter backwards when Susie makes another grab for them, end up pressed against the headboard. “Noelle!” Kris crouches, charges when Susie approaches to knock into Noelle where she’s at the foot of the bed. “Defend me!”

“Hmm,” Noelle says, setting down the chip bag she’d been staring at. Kris turns big, pleading eyes to her, until Noelle finally says, “Hmm, no, I think I’m with Susie on this one,” and grabs Kris around the middle.

“Traitor!” Kris yowls, but they’re laughing, flailing wildly, a mix of signs and barks and half-formed words, as Susie and Noelle work together to try and keep them cornered. Kris isn’t able to break free from Noelle’s grip until they rear up and balance their paws on one of her antlers, knocking her off-kilter enough to break free, but of course Susie is there, and there’s little elsewhere for Kris to go, and it ends with Susie and Noelle trapping Kris underneath the comforter as they glare at the both of them, but Ralsei knows that if Kris’s tail were tangible, it would be wagging away.

Ralsei watches this all, the easy way Kris curls against their friends, takes it all in stride. How they poke their paws out and jab at Noelle, how they lean into Susie’s touch when she scratches their head.

Ralsei and Kris had that, at some point, before she went and made it all confusing, ruined everything, because she thought she could want, could reach for things that she was never meant to have, and grab them as if they were truth. And that one is Kris’s fault, isn’t it? Told her the prophecy is wrong, and for a few stupid, glorious months, Ralsei was able to believe it. Until Kris leaned into her side and Ralsei felt her fur go all warm. Until Kris knitted her a scarf, and Ralsei wore it every day after that.

She wants. And that’s the problem.

“Ralsei! Ralsei!” Her name in Kris’s coyote-voice is soft and rolling. “C’mon! Join! You gotta be on my side this time!” Kris wriggles free entirely of the blankets, trots to the edge of the bed, waiting. “Ralsei?”

She’s just Kris’s friend. That’s all she’ll ever be, and she shouldn’t want more. She should be happy. She should. She’s supposed to. Up here in the Light and she can’t even be happy.

Ralsei sits on the edge of the bed, and doesn’t flinch when Kris presses their nose to her shoulder. She doesn’t flinch when Kris takes her hand in their mouth. She doesn’t even flinch when Kris whines at her non-reaction, at the way she just lets Kris poke and prod at her, until Kris slinks off and casts one final look at Ralsei.

I love you. I hate you. Ralsei looks to her locket. The one Kris gave her, that is something like a heart. I love you.

She doesn’t look back.

That night she dreams that Kris curls up at her side and kisses her forehead and when Ralsei takes their paw and runs a claw gentle along their pawpad Kris grins sweet at her and it is something that only the two of them share. Kris rests their head on her chest, and their hair is all in her face, and Ralsei doesn’t even mind.

When she wakes up, Kris is curled into a ball underneath the blankets, pressed so tightly in on themself that if someone else were to join them and Ralsei on the bed, they could fit between the two of them and still Kris wouldn’t be touching another person.

Stupid. Ralsei rubs at her eyes. This is so fucking stupid.

There’s something broken inside of her, who turned her back on the prophecy, and agreed to enter the Light World, and hasn’t returned to the dark, even though she should, before she gets anymore ideas. Cut this off fast, and maybe then everything will go as it should.

Susie and Noelle will stop visiting. Kris won’t ever set foot in the Dark World again.

So, so stupid.

They’re supposed to grow up. Not her. She’s supposed to accept that they’re going to move on, until it’s just her in the Dark World, forgotten.

Because that’s how it always goes. The fountains close, the worlds stay separate.

But maybe she already doomed them, from the very day she saw Noelle and her antlers and some small part of her thought she’s like me, even though Ralsei was supposed to be a prince.

Maybe this is her fault.

Kris twitches in their sleep. Ralsei’s not sure what they dream of.

She wants to reach out and hug them. She wants to lean into them and she wants Kris to know why. She wants to sleep, and she wants Kris to sprawl out beside her, and she wants it to mean something, the way it does to Noelle and Susie sharing the other bed.

But it never will. People like her don’t get that.

And, Ralsei mutters, rolling over so she’s not looking at Kris, Kris won’t ever see me like that, anyways.

She should stop.

But instead she hugs her scarf close, and pretends.

Pathetic.

Noelle starts the morning’s drive with a yell of dog seatbelts! And so their first stop is a detour to a pet store, because apparently dog seatbelts are a thing, and Kris agrees to wear one if it isn’t terrible like the ones they already have. But this time, when they get to the store, Noelle and Kris head in, leaving Susie and Ralsei to wait in the car.

“You can go with them,” Ralsei says. She’s up in the front, today, mostly just because she hasn’t been, yet, and Noelle insisted. Maybe because when it’s Noelle and Kris in the back, Noelle won’t let Kris crawl up front. Or maybe she’s reading too much into things. “You don’t have to wait with me.”

“Nah,” Susie says, “I don’t mind. Besides, the seatbelt is Noelle’s big thing. I’d just sort of nod along and agree with whichever one she wanted to get.”

“Oh.”

“I mean, don’t get me wrong, beyond glad that Kris will finally not just be running around the car.” Susie shrugs, folding her arms across the wheel and resting her head on them. “But. Dunno. Kris has always done that? And I’ve just…always tried to do my best to drive safe. I’m not going to let them get hurt because I fucked up. But, y’know. Noelle’s known them since they were a baby. And seatbelts didn’t used to be bad for them. So she just worries.”

“I worry too,” Ralsei says.

“About?”

She shrugs. “Everything. Nothing. I don’t know.”

Susie nods. “Yeah, I’ve kinda noticed that. You’re…well. You’re that sort of person.”

Ralsei flinches, hopes Susie doesn’t notice.

“Which, speaking of,” Susie continues, “you’ve been…dunno. Standoffish? Are you alright?”

“Oh,” Ralsei mutters, “so Noelle told you.”

“Well, yeah, but also, I do have eyes.” Susie’s grin is wry. Ralsei ducks so she’s staring down at the floor under her feet. There’s a few empty chip bags. A phone charger. “Are you mad at Kris?”

“No,” Ralsei says. Yes, Ralsei thinks. “It’s not your business.”

“You’re my friend. I care about you. Obviously something is wrong.” Susie frowns. “If you want to talk, I’m here. If you want to sit in silence, I’m also here. If you want to ignore your problems and, like, see who can count all the blue cars in the parking lot, I will beat you, but I’ll be here.”

But.

But this is Susie.

It’s not like it’ll make her feel better. What she wants is to shove all these feelings into a box and forget about it, like they deserve. But she’s been wanting a lot recently.

Maybe she should do stuff she doesn’t want. To balance it out.

So Ralsei asks, “just…do you ever feel like you don’t belong?”

“Oh, hell yeah I do.” Ralsei jumps—wait, what? “You thought I didn’t?”

“You’re Susie,” she says.

“Yeah, Kris is like that, too.” Susie groans. “It’s…dunno. They’re better about it now. And don’t take their place! I’m just, y’know. A person. I’m just trying my best. And my best is I guess better off in some ways that you guys both want to be better in, but for me, I’m just…living life. I guess I just don’t care so much about worrying like you both do. And like, you’re the queen of that.” Ralsei flushes. Susie shoots her a grin. “Just. I’ve been around a lot. There comes a point where it just doesn’t matter anymore. You guys do. And maybe in some ways that’s unhealthy, hell if I know. But. Y’know. Kris and Noelle have, like…families, and shit. History.”

“You don’t?” Ralsei asks. Her locket is cold at her chest, so she tugs her scarf closer.

“Not really.” Susie sighs, looks outside, where the sky is clouded and the sun is hidden, unable to break through. “Hell if I know anything about my birth family. I don’t even know if they died or gave me up or what. Nobody’s ever bothered to tell me. And this,” she gestures to the car, “like, Hometown, this is the place I’ve stayed the longest. And even that’s just like…it’s not long, especially when you compare it to Noelle and Kris, who’ve lived their whole lives here.”

“…yeah,” Ralsei says, quiet. “That’s. It’s kinda—like. Like, I know I’m not supposed to be up here. But I am. And I don’t know what to do with that.”

“Hey,” Susie says, and she leans over to punch Ralsei’s arm. “I want you up here, nerd. So don’t go running off on me now. Someone’s got to be on my side when we’re feeling like we don’t belong.”

“It’s.” Ralsei slumps, and doesn’t protest when Susie pats her on the back. “I know you’re just going to say this is stupid, but—it’s. Even now. It’s just. It’s hard. Because there’s all these things I want and I know I’m not supposed to! I never was supposed to! I’m just—at least you know you’re a person. I’m just…some leftover hopes and dreams that thought a little too hard about herself and now I’m still here.”

“That isn’t stupid,” Susie says.

“It is.” Ralsei groans, rubbing at her eyes. “I want too many things and I know I won’t…it is stupid! Because even after all this time and I know, okay? I know the prophecy is fucked up and all the stuff Kris says about it! I know some old words don’t get to decide who I am! But. But everything was easier. I mean. Yeah, it hurt. Yeah, it sucked, every fucking time it said I was a prince. But…I’m not going back. The problem is because I won’t go back. Because since I have am a girl, I have to deal with wanting all these other things I shouldn’t want. And it’s harder to make them go away.”

“So you’re having a lot of messy complicated feelings.” Susie removes her arm, leans back in her seat. Part of Ralsei wants to say please, no, keep doing that, but it’s dumb, so instead she focuses on the thrum of her locket, her scarf against her fur. “Sounds like a person to me.”

“I’m—not.” Ralsei’s voice cracks. “I’m a Darkner. We aren’t supposed to live like this. To—to last this long. To want all these things. To change.”

“Sounds fucked up,” Susie says, lightly. “And I don’t believe it. I think you’re a person, which means you have all the downsides, like being scared, and alone, and all these thoughts in your head that won’t go away. But you also have the upsides. Like friends. The ability to change. You know, it’s not bad to want things.”

“It is if you can’t ever get them.”

“Well.” This time, Susie reaches out for her again, and Ralsei grabs her hand in her own and squeezes it tight, and she wants this, too: she wants a friend. She wants comfort. She wants, and it’s stupid, and it’s wrong, and still, she wants. “That’s also part of being a person. You want things. Maybe you get them, maybe you don’t. You’ll never know if you don’t try. And who knows? Maybe things won’t be what you want—but they’ll still be yours.”

“I’m scared,” Ralsei whispers, “I don’t want to ruin everything. I think I already have.”

“You haven’t.” Susie’s voice is firm. “You won’t. We all love you. You literally cannot get rid of us. I know Kris is the one who opened a dark world in your locket, but hey? Ralsei?” Ralsei looks up at her. “I’d do it too.”

“Oh,” Ralsei says. Maybe she’s crying, a bit. “That’s. Um.”

“I think you should talk to Kris,” Susie says, “because, correct me if I’m wrong, but they’re the one in the center of all of this, aren’t they?”

“I don’t have to answer that.” But Susie knows. Ralsei takes a breath. “I just. I look at you and Noelle. And. I’m not supposed to ever have something like that. For so many reasons. I don’t. I know I’m a girl. But there’s all these other things and there’s Kris, and it’s—I’m just—I. They. I helped them. And they helped me. And I love you and Noelle but it’s easy. Because you’re my friends. But Kris is. I. I don’t know.” Ralsei watches the clouds. They’re nothing but colors, like ridges on a cliff. “I want.”

“And that’s okay. I’m not…” Susie sighs. “Look. I’m not Kris. I don’t know how they’re going to feel about all of this. But I can say: I know they hate that you’re pushing them away. And that no matter what, they’re your friend.”

“That’s the problem,” Ralsei says. “Susie, I love them so much but I can’t even tell them. Because I mean it one way but they’ll think I mean it another, and—”

“So explain it. How are they supposed to figure it out if you never tell them? What, is Kris telepathic now? Can they read your mind?”

“No,” Ralsei mutters.

“It doesn’t have to be today. Or soon. But. You should. Noelle actually might be better for this since she’s the one who asked me out, but. She’s told me it was the scariest thing she ever did—and the one that was the most worth it. Even if I hadn’t felt the same. Because…look, this is kinda more Noelle’s business but I think she’d be okay with me telling you. Everything with Dess—it really hurt her. How Dess never really saw her as her own person, capable of making her own choices. And asking me out? That was a scary choice she made on her own.”

“But you liked Noelle back. You—and I don’t think Kris…”

“Has a crush?

“Don’t call it that,” Ralsei mutters. Susie’s hand is still warm in her own. Her scales tickle, kind of. Ralsei lets go, sits up, meets Susie’s gaze. Thinks—you’re more than I deserve.

But maybe it’s not about deserving.

“Crush sounds so…so juvenile,” Ralsei finishes.

“You’re both, like, 16,” Susie says.

“No. Kris is. I don’t even know how old I am.”

“Well unless you beat me in combat, you’re younger than me.” Susie shrugs. “That’s just how it works.”

“Already have,” Ralsei mutters, yawning. She rests her head against the window, and watches as the clouds roll on by. “Way long ago. When we met. You were our enemy. But then you weren’t.”

“Okay, one, that had nothing to do with you and everything to do with Lancer. And two, that doesn’t count. You never beat me up.”

“Fine.” Her head slips, knocking against the windowsill, and Ralsei curses, unwinding her scarf from around her neck to use as a pillow. “Um. Thank you.”

“No problem,” Susie says. “And, hey. I’ll be here if it goes poorly. You can cry on my shoulder. We’ve got to stick together, yeah? Noelle and Kris have their family, their history. We’ve got each other.”

“Right.” Ralsei closes her eyes.

“But—just consider. Maybe it won’t be what you imagine. But…that’s another part about being a person. You get to choose. And so does everyone else. Maybe you’ll be able to choose something you both want.”

“Mmmmm.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Susie laughs fondly. “Goodnight, Ralsei. I’ll wake you when we get to the ocean.”

The ocean. The waves, coming in and out, rising and falling. Endless water as far as the eye can see.

“I’d like that,” Ralsei says.

She means all of it. The ocean, and everything beyond.

The first thing Ralsei sees when Susie nudges her awake is sand, far as the eye can see, underneath the car and sprawling out in every direction, like someone took a paintbrush and swept it across the coast. Even through the windows and the tint of her sunglasses she can make out tiny shells, rocks, bits of wood, mounds of sand like someone tried to shape them into something, but was called away, and ran off to start again somewhere else.

And then beyond the sand is the sky and the ocean and Ralsei thinks, where does one end?

Because the sky is blue, and the ocean is blue, and they’re not the same sort of blue. The sky is shot-through with clouds, though not as many as she remembers in the parking lot, pale fluffy things that drift across the breeze. The ocean is a blue-green, in constant motion, like it’s breathing. But it blends into the sky, even as it shifts, as waves reach up to the shore.

Ralsei says, voice catching in her throat, “we made it.”

“Sure did,” Susie agrees. “C’mon. Let’s get out there.”

Ralsei stumbles out of the car. Immediately there is sand under her feet, somewhat gritty but warm, too, not warm like the sun, like something so-much it’s closer to burning, but warm like blankets and the quiet breathing of a friend next to her. She kneels down, digs her claws into the sand.

She can hear the waves, from here. In and out.

“KRIS!” Noelle yells, and Ralsei jerks up, shaking sand out of her fur as she turns to see what’s going on. “Stop—if you’re biting the seatbelt I can’t get you out! Stop thrashing!”

“No no no no I’ve got this,” Kris is saying, on their side in the car with a seatbelt wrapped around one of their paws, words muffled as they bite at it. “Shhhh I’m smart. Shhhh I can do this.”

“I think I am seeing that you can’t.”

The doggy seatbelt must have worked, Ralsei realizes—Kris is definitely wearing a harness when they weren’t before, strapped around their chest. The harness is attached to the seatbelt, which is running through a loop in the back, and that’s what’s keeping Kris stuck, twisting around their paw and bent out-of-shape.

“Nuh-uh.” Kris bites at the seatbelt again, growls. “This is doing it. This is what success looks like.”

They’re halfway to falling off the seat. They’re growling at a seatbelt. A smile stretches across Ralsei’s face and her chest is aflutter, and it’s—

“Wow,” Susie whispers, leaning over to them, “you’ve got it bad.”

“Shut up,” Ralsei hisses, rubbing at her face. “I should have never told you. You can’t tease me about this.”

“Tell ‘em, Ralsei,” Susie says. “What do you have to lose?”

Literally everything. But.

Kris finally stops, allowing Noelle to come in and unstrap them, wriggling out of the harness and letting it fall to the seat, before they bolt out of the car and land face-first in the sand, stumbling back up and sneezing.

“Ocean!” Kris cheers. They lift a paw to rub sand off their cheek. Their tongue is poking out, just a bit, as they peer up at Ralsei and Susie and Noelle coming over, beaming. “Well? We’re just standing around?”

“Nah,” Susie says, and so they all take off.

Kris is the first one into the water, splashing through the waves with a delighted bark, while Ralsei hangs back to help Noelle set up their blankets and claim a part of the beach for all their stuff. There are other people here, but not so many that the beach is crowded. That’s—good. If there were more people…

Well. Maybe it would be okay. Ralsei—she’s up here, now.

She’s up here. Isn’t that a thought?

“So,” Noelle says, after they’ve finished, “heard you and Susie talked.”

“We did.” Ralsei drags her claws through the sand, tracing nonsense patterns around a seashell. “I’m.”

I shouldn’t.

“And?” Noelle asks.

“It’s hard,” says Ralsei. “Isn’t it?”

“Oh, yeah.” Noelle nods. “For sure. It’s terrible. Felt like I was going to die. But I didn’t, and now things are—they’re better than I ever could’ve hoped.”

I really, really shouldn’t.

“What if she’d said no?”

Noelle sighs, turning to face both Susie and Kris, who are splashing each other in the shallows of the ocean. “It would’ve hurt,” she says, “obviously. But…that would’ve been better, too. Because it would hurt worse if I never said anything, and had to live with the uncertainty forever. What if she said yes? What if she said no? At some point…the answer is just a bonus. You can’t choose how they’re going to feel, Ralsei. But you can ask, still. Because you deserve to be able to.”

Ralsei huffs. “You and Susie both.”

Noelle laughs. “Don’t get me wrong, I really don’t feel qualified to be giving out advice. But.” A shrug. “Seriously.”

“I think…”

I want to. I don’t want to. I love them. I hate that they don’t love me the same. It’s not fair to hate them. I’m pushing them away. It hurts that they treat me the same they do Susie and Noelle.

And all of that is true. It all can be.

People have messy complicated feelings about things.

And I…

“I think I might be a person,” Ralsei says. She lifts up her hand to stare at it, brush some sand off. In the distance the ocean breathes, and Ralsei with it. She can’t separate the ocean from the sky from the land around it, where nothing ends, where nothing ever ends, where the world just keeps moving, on and on and on. “I think I want to tell them.”

In and out. Up and down.

Ralsei stands.

Somewhere Castle Town is empty without her. Somewhere else is her room, the one Kris helped decorate, and all the snacks they bought for her. Somewhere is a prophecy claiming she is a prince, even now. Somewhere else is the first time they met, where Ralsei looked at Kris, at the coyote standing before her, in their body made of their hopes and dreams, and thought, not for the last time, you’re like me.

Kris’s laugh is clear in the ocean air.

“I want to tell them,” says Ralsei.

Here she is standing. Here, she lets her chest flutter with all her unsaid words, and thinks—not for much longer.

“So you wanted to talk to me?” Kris is following Ralsei as she picks her way across the beach, away from the blankets she and Noelle set up, away from the other groups of people, scattered throughout. In the distance she can make out a few large, flat rocks, and that’s where she’s heading: near enough to the ocean, but far from anyone who might overhear.

There’s no way Ralsei gets her thoughts in order to not blurt everything out when she opens her mouth, so instead she just nods. Kris frowns, but keeps following.

She’ll live. No matter what happens, she’ll live, and Susie and Noelle aren’t going to abandon her. And Kris won’t either, which is a lot harder to believe, but she grabs it, anyways.

She wants. She wants this so much.

She’s pretty sure she’s forgotten how to breathe.

Kris hops up onto the rocks first, stretching out their paws and glancing up to the sun shining down. “Sunbathing?” they ask, flopping down onto their side. “That’s cool. I like that.”

Ralsei manages another nod, and sits on the edge, near Kris. Kris watches her through eyes squinted against the light of the sun.

In front of them is the ocean. The waves don’t come up far enough to lap at the base of the rocks, but Ralsei watches them anyways, their rising and falling. Breathe. In and out, a rise and a fall.

“I want a lot of things,” Ralsei starts. Her voice is shaking. So are her hands. She speaks anyways. “I want to be a girl. I want things to make sense. I want to stop being scared all the time.”

Kris is silent.

“And.” How did Noelle ever do this? How is Ralsei supposed to do this? She should leave. Run away. Throw herself into the ocean. Rip off the locket and see what happens to her then. She’s not supposed to be here. She should go back to Castle Town and let herself rot away there, until there’s nobody who remembers her but the prophecy, and she’s forever a prince.

“And,” Ralsei repeats, “I want. I…”

No. That’s not… “I really like you,” is what she says. “I like how you don’t care what the world thinks. I like how you’re always yourself, even when it’s really hard and you’re hurting inside. I like how you care so much about people, even when others would have given up. I like how you’ve always come to see me, and how you helped me, and how I’m up here because you were determined to make it happen. I like how you bark and how you bite things you don’t understand and how—how you’re just Kris. I really, really like you, Kris.”

Kris tilts their head. “I like you too, Ralsei,” they say. “Why’d you gotta pull me away to say it?”

“Because.” And here, Ralsei rips her gaze away from the ocean to look at Kris, because they deserve that, from her. Because this is the scariest thing Ralsei has done in her life, and she wants to be anywhere but here, and still, still, there is a fluttering in her chest and the pulsing of the locket and the beating of the heart she does not exactly have, being a Darkner and all, but that doesn’t change the way it roars in her ears. Because I love you. “It’s. It’s not like friends like each other.”

Kris starts, “what do you—” and then the words fall away, and they stare at their paws, and they sign, small, “you mean like a crush.”

“Yeah.”

“You mean like.” They shudder. “Like. You.” And push themself to their paws. “I thought you were safe.”

“Kris—” Ralsei says, voice cracking. This was a bad idea. This was such a bad idea and she has no right to be mad but she loves them so much and Kris isn’t even listening. “Kris, it’s not—I know it’s wrong. I know it’s—”

Kris yowls, “stop saying that! It’s not you!” Kris scores their nails against the rock. Their sides are heaving, and they dig their teeth into one of their chews—the yellow one.

“No, Kris, it’s—” Ralsei takes in a shuddering breath. I never should have told you. I’m sorry. I love you. “It’s, I’m not supposed to want things. Okay? I know that! I know I’m not! But. I saw Noelle. And she was a girl and I wanted. And I thought maybe I’d give myself that one thing and it’d be the end of this but—but then I just. I kept wanting. And I saw Susie and Noelle and I wanted, because—because Darkners don’t get that. Darkners don’t get to be people.”

“You are,” Kris snarls, “a person. But.” They spin around, hackles raised. “Ralsei.”

Ralsei listens.

“I love you,” Kris says, “I love you because you’re Ralsei and it’s easy. Okay? I love you. I love you and Susie and Noelle and so many people. I don’t…but you love me different. You love me like romance. Like how Susie and Noelle love each other.”

“…yeah,” Ralsei says, small.

“I can’t.” Kris glances down. “I don’t love like that. It’s all—it’s all mixed together. Like maybe for you there’s two loves. There’s friend love and romance love. But for me it’s just—it’s.” Kris whines. “Coyotes love because they find each other and they work together. So they keep working together, and they keep staying together. And they love. But it’s not—it’s not words. It’s I caught a rabbit and I’m sharing it with you. It’s here is a den and you can sleep in it with me. It’s I found something neat and I want you to see it. That’s love for me.”

“That’s—okay,” Ralsei says. She doesn’t reach out for Kris, because Kris is pacing and wouldn’t want that, and she doesn’t cry, because she’s not sure she can, anymore. All she can do is feel the locket cold and dead on her chest. “You don’t have to—you don’t have to love me back. We can be friends. It’s.” She rubs at her eyes. “I’ll. Figure it out.”

She pushes off the rocks. “I’m going to go.”

“You don’t get it.” Kris growls.

Ralsei pauses.

Kris says, “this is what I mean. You don’t get it.”

Ralsei spins around. “I do!” She yells. “You love me, but not the way I love you! I get it! I knew that! I knew telling you was a bad idea, but I just—I just—I wanted! And I know that’s—I know it’s a crime.” Her hands are fists at her sides. Breathe, Ralsei. This isn’t Kris’s fault.

I love you too much to blame you.

“I wanted,” Ralsei says, “and I’m not going to get it. And that is. Fine. Because I wasn’t ever supposed to. I am not mad at you.” Yes I am. “I don’t want to be mad at you. I just. I can’t. All my feelings are messy and complicated and I hate it.”

Kris laughs. It sounds a bit like a sob. “Don’t you get it?” they say. “You’re like everyone else. Who thinks, there is love, and there is Love. With a capital. Like there is one love that is weaker, and one love that is stronger. Like romance is the strongest ever.”

“Isn’t it?”

“I’m just a coyote,” Kris says. “Coyotes don’t…that’s not what love is. Not to a coyote. I said: it’s all together. Like a really big ball you roll around. And it doesn’t need types. ‘Cause it’s all just love. Ralsei, I love you. Okay? But. But I don’t love like—like you want.”

“I think I’m jealous,” Ralsei says, and she sits down, right there in the sand. Kris hops off the rock, and doesn’t approach, but stands, and watches. Beyond them the ocean breathes. “Of Susie and Noelle. Because—because I’m just. Here. Trying. And I don’t know anything. I just…”

“Words are hard,” Kris offers.

“They get to know who they are,” Ralsei settles on. Her fur is heavy with sand and she picks it out, one grain at a time. She’s still wearing the scarf Kris knitted for her. Blue, pink, and white. That’s warm. “And I know that’s not fair to them. I know it’s not that easy. I know…I know. But. And I guess I’m jealous of you, too.”

“A long time ago,” Kris says, ducking their head as they creep closer to Ralsei, “when you told me you were a girl. I said, family isn’t always clearcut.”

Ralsei nods. Kris moves like an animal afraid, and Ralsei does not move closer to them. She said her piece. She…tried. She wanted. She wants, still. But.

I love you. And so she lets them choose.

“That’s how love is to me,” Kris says. “Noelle is my sister. Susie is basically that too. You aren’t. But it’s not…it’s not like. It’s not like I love you more than them. It’s not like I love you less. It’s like I love you. It’s like we work well together. Like we keep working well together.” They step closer, and closer, until they’re right before her, and they sit back, and rest a paw on her leg. “It’s not romance like how you think of it. Like how most people think of it. But it’s choosing. I can still choose. Maybe that’s not what you want to hear. Maybe you want it to make sense and be like it is in all the stories. And I guess I get that. But you mean a lot to me. I love you. So what it’s not romantic! So what! It’s not less strong. It’s not lesser. It’s how I feel.”

Ralsei holds out a hand. After a moment, Kris rests one of their paws in it. She says, “I still love you. I can’t make my feelings go away. I think they might always be there.”

Kris shrugs. “I didn’t like when you were running away. I don’t like that. I want to be with you. That’s how coyotes work. They work good together and stay with each other always.” They tilt their head. “If you understand. I want to try. What do you want?”

“I want…”

You, and isn’t that what this is? I love you, and isn’t Kris saying the same thing?

It’s not what Susie and Noelle have, and Ralsei can want that, still, and want to love Kris, also. Can think—so it’s not perfectly what I wanted.

But she thought, for so long, that the prophecy was right about her. And it wasn’t. And being a girl—being Ralsei—it’s not perfect. It’s hard, sometimes. A lot of the time.

She’s still here.

“I want to try,” Ralsei says. “I want—I want to be with you. Even if it’s hard. Even if it’s not exactly what I pictured. I want to stay in the Light World even though it’s bright. I want to stay with you, and Susie, and Noelle. I want you to show me around Hometown. I want to know what your life up here looks like. I want—I don’t even know!” She laughs, breathless, and Kris grins at her. “But I want to keep finding out.”

“Good,” Kris says, “good, ‘cause,” and Kris lunges for her, knocking the both of them into the sand, pressing their head up under her chin, and when Ralsei wraps her arms around Kris they’re solid, and imperfect, and Kris. “I missed you,” Kris says, muffled against her shoulder, “it was really hard. Trying to stay away ‘cause you were acting weird, ‘n I never wanted you to be uncomfortable.”

“I’m sorry,” Ralsei says, “I’ll do better. I’ll tell you. It was—it hurt. When you were affectionate with me, but it was just like you were with Susie and Noelle.”

Kris nods. “Is there anything you want special?”

“…I want to kiss you,” Ralsei says. She knows she’s blushing because her fur’s all hot, but. She says it anyways.

Kris frowns. “Well,” they say, “not on the mouth. I know I don’t like that. I guess it’s okay otherwise though. Coyotes don’t really kiss.”

“That’s okay,” Ralsei says, and she hugs Kris tighter, and presses a kiss to their forehead. Kris squirms, a tad, so Ralsei loosens her grip, but Kris doesn’t run—they stay right there, against her chest, touching their nose to her cheek. “I love you.”

Kris grins. “You’re good too,” they say, and rub their face against hers. “Coyotes…nuzzle. I guess. I don’t mind doing that.” It sends something warm and fuzzy to Ralsei’s chest. “You’re very important to me.”

“I love you,” Ralsei repeats, breathless, and she kisses them again. Kris wriggles at the gesture, like their tail is wagging away where it’s somewhat pinned against her leg. “I love you. I love you so much.”

She’s saying the words she’s wanted to say forever, and Kris is here, and it’s not what she imagined—

But Susie and Noelle were right. It’s worth it.

Ralsei rests her head on Kris’s. It was always worth it.

They return to the others. Ralsei doesn’t tell them, and Kris apparently doesn’t feel the need, but she thinks Susie and Noelle pick up on it, anyways. On the way Kris tackles Ralsei into the waves. The way Ralsei isn’t flinching.

Standing in the waves Ralsei removes her sunglasses, and lets the sun warm her face.

She wasn’t ever supposed to be here, and herself. To have the friends she does.

But she is. And nobody can make her leave.

Susie sidles up to her, asks, “I’m taking it went well?”

“It—did.” Ralsei still can’t believe it. “It did. It really, really did.”

The ocean is blue and green and so much more. The ocean is battering against her legs, and Ralsei is standing in it, and Susie is at her side, and Kris is off deeper, them and Noelle playing some sort of game with a ball of seaweed, and Ralsei is here, and watching them. And she loves Kris. And Kris loves her, too.

“You were right,” Ralsei adds. “It wasn’t what I thought. But—but we choose it together.”

“Hey.” Susie grins. “Proud of you, Ralsei.” And she looks off to the side, for a moment. “Which, speaking of. I’ve been thinking, a bit. This entire trip, really. Remember the driver’s license stuff? Having to pick a last name?”

“Yeah,” Ralsei says. “Why?”

“I still don’t want to use Noelle’s or Kris’s.” Susie watches the sky with her. The sun, how it is blinding, and how it is warm, and how Ralsei can stand, here. How it reflects off the ocean. How it just keeps reaching. “And I still don’t have any name ideas. But—I think I know who I might want to share it with.”

“Oh,” Ralsei says. “I—oh.”

“You’re up here, now,” Susie continues. “And. We’ve got to stick together, right? Make some sort of family history of our own.”

“Like…” Ralsei swallows. “Something like the ocean. How it keeps going. Forever and ever. Until it reaches the sky.”

“Like the ocean,” Susie agrees.

Forever and ever. Until it finds somewhere to rest.

“I’m going to stay,” Ralsei says. “Up here. With you guys. I want to.”

“I want you to, too.”

And so it’s the two of them, and Kris and Noelle beyond.

(“And—oh! Kris, is this a new friend of yours?”

Kris glances to Ralsei, and mouths, are you ready?

No. But when will she ever? Yes. I will be.

Kris squeezes her hand, looks back to their mom, and says, “this is Ralsei. My girlfriend.”

She wasn’t, as it turns out, ready. But Kris is there, at her side, and Kris is there, and is not and won’t ever love Ralsei the exact same way Ralsei loves them: but here they are, anyways. Here they both are.

“Girlfriend?” she asks Kris, before they head inside. “I thought you—you don’t want to be any of—I mean, won’t that give people the wrong idea?”

Kris shrugs. “So? It’s me ‘n you. We know. Who cares if someone is confused? All the people I love know me ‘n can figure it out, and everyone else isn’t my problem. And, um, I figured you might like it.” They duck their head away. “…do you?”

“Yes,” Ralsei says, because of course she does. Because it is Kris, and her, and she gets to want this, and want it always: because she is Ralsei, and Ralsei is allowed to be Kris’s girlfriend. She’s allowed to live here, in a world so much wider than Castle Town could ever be, where there’s no defined start and end, where it’s up to her and what she wants to make of things.

She’s never been someone’s girlfriend before. It’s never going to be exactly how she’s imagining it, and she knows that, already. How could she not? It’s going to be scary, and big, and there will always be some part of her that whispers you don’t deserve this.

But it will be her, and Kris, and choosing. Ralsei’s never really chosen before, either.

She wants to. She gets to want to.

“I love it,” Ralsei says, and they touch a hand to Kris’s head and when they do not protest, pull them into a hug, one that Kris wriggles into with a happy grunt. “I love you.”

“Sap,” Kris teases, but they press their response to Ralsei’s chest, tucking their head up under her chin. “I love you, too.”)