Work Text:
“Oh, are you done?”
“Yes, we are done.”
Wylan watched at the Fabrikator teacher -Anki- packed away her belongings into the only bag she had brought with her. There were few things scattered around; different types of metal, glass, cloth, a flower, different types of powder. Wylan didn’t get much of a look before Anki stored them in her bag.
They were in the library, per Anki’s request, after a furrow examination of the entire house, stating that the quietest part of the house would encourage concentration. Wylan wasn’t sure how true that was, but he allowed it, she was the expert after all, not him.
“How… How did it go?” Wylan felt almost scared asking.
“Look at this metal.” Anki produced a sheet of thin metal from her bag, and Wylan recognised it as a sheet of tin. “A simple metal sheet, not too hard or thick, but barely a dent without sweating.”
“It is still bent though?” Wylan said, trying to find the positive in the situation, looking at the small sheet of metal, which, to be honest, he could probably bend himself with enough force.
“Barely.” She said, her thick Ravkan accent shining through. She put the metal sheet back into her bag. “A true Fabrikator should be able to bend this any way with no thought. He has a long way to go, and he needs to stop resisting.”
Wylan sighed and ran a hand through his unruly curls. He wasn’t expecting miracles; a bouquet of flowers moulded from metal, an uncrackable safe cracked, but he hoped a little bit of progress would have been made.
“Where is he?” Wylan asked, noticing that, other than him and Anki, the room was empty.
“Gone. Ran away as soon as time was up.” Anki zipped her bag and turned around. “I will be leaving now. Same time next week, yes?”
“Uh… yes, yes.” Wylan said, trying to focus on the woman in front of him, rather than the millions of thoughts and scenarios running through his head. He let Anki brush past him, not moving until he head the front door open, and then close moments later. He looked around the library, the numerous books, feeling the panic of the past begin to rise, and quickly left the room. He didn’t have time to pity himself, he had someone else to take care of.
It wasn’t hard to find Jesper. He was the first place Wylan looked, and in the future, Wylan’s heart might grow at the fact he knew where Jesper would be instantly, that they knew each other so well, but he didn’t have time to ponder that thought right now.
He was sitting in the middle of the back garden, back to Wylan and the house, head raised to the sky, and Wylan would gamble that he had his eyes closed. It was late into the day, most of Ketterdam would be settling down to serve diner with their families, Wylan wanted nothing more in that moment to take Jesper’s hand, pull him into the house and sit down for a quiet meal, but Wylan knew something was going on, and Wylan was determined to fix it.
He walked over to where Jesper was seated, sitting next to the boy and placing a soft hand on his shoulder. Jesper opened his eyes, turning to look at Wylan and instantly giving him a soft smile, and even though there was a sparkle in Jesper’s eyes, Wylan could see how exhausted he was.
“Anki left,” Wylan said softly, and Jesper looked away. “She said you left the room as soon as the time was up.”
“Did you expect me to hang about after hours? I dropped out of university, Wylan, I’ve never been one for school.”
Wylan smiled, but he couldn’t help the sadness creeping up on him too. “Okay, let me rephrase myself. She said you ran away-” Jesper suppressed a wince. “-and that… that you’re not applying yourself fully, that you’re holding yourself back.”
Jesper tensed, Wylan could feel it just from the hand he had on his shoulder. Wylan’s last wish was to make Jesper uncomfortable, but he also didn’t want Jesper to waste his potential, to not succeed fully in life.
“It was one lesson, just the beginning. I’m not going to be as good at the people in Ravka, in the Little Palace, from one two-hour lesson.” Jesper snapped, looking anywhere but the boy sitting next to him.
“I know, Jesper, I know.” Wylan took his hand off Jesper’s shoulder, favouring instead to take the boys hand in his own, stroking the pad of his thumb across Jesper’s palm. Jesper seemed hesitant, but didn’t resist, and Wylan could slowly feel him relaxing into the touch. “I know it takes time, I didn’t, and don’t, expect you to be as good as a Saint on your first true lesson. But… you will never progress if you don’t put your whole self into the task.”
Jesper used his free hand to re-adjust the buttons on his shirt, to slide his fingers along the revolvers on his hip, to tap an unknown rhythm against his knee, to scratch his neck.
“Jesper, please.” Wylan moved to sit in front of Jesper, grasping both of his hands and forcing them to look into each other’s eyes. “I want to help, Jes, but I can’t do anything if you shut me out.”
Jesper sighed, defeated, and leaned forward, letting his forehead rest on Wylan’s shoulder, smelling the unmistakeable scent of Wylan; a combination of vanilla and cinnamon. Jesper couldn’t get enough of it.
“I lied.” Jesper’s voice was barely a whisper, and Wylan had to strain his ears to hear him. “I lied to you.”
“About what?” Wylan’s voice was reduced to a whisper too. The moment felt too intimate, like it was just the two of them, like it was something they couldn’t share with the rest of the world.
“I... I am ashamed of being Grisha.” Jesper said, barely stopping his voice from breaking. “I’ve tried not to be, but I cannot help myself. I am ashamed of it, I’m ashamed of who I was born to be.”
Wylan felt his heart break in that moment. Jesper’s voice had never sounded so soft, so vulnerable, so… ashamed. Wylan couldn’t help but wrap his arms around Jesper, pulling him closer and allowing the taller boy to rest his head on Wylan’s chest. “It is a beautiful thing, Jesper, to manipulate the world at the tip of your fingers, why do you want to hide such a gift?”
Jesper was quiet for a moment, saying nothing, just allowing himself to run his fingers up and down Wylan’s bare arms, smirking lightly at the shiver Wylan gave in response. Wylan used his own hands to have a firm hold around Jesper’s waist, keeping him grounded and safe.
Finally, Jesper spoke. “Have I ever told you about my mother?”
Wylan hadn’t expected that detour. “You said she taught you how to shoot, nothing else.”
“She did.” Wylan noticed the sad smile that bloomed on Jesper’s face. “She taught me how to ride a horse, gut and clean a fish, start a fire, and other life skills I would need.”
“She sounds amazing.”
“Yeah… she was.” Wylan didn’t miss the use of past tense.
“Oh, Jesper-”
“Please, just- let me get this all out.” Jesper pleaded, and Wylan nodded, keeping his lips closed.
Jesper grabbed Wylan’s hand, fiddling with his fingers to distract himself as he talked. “She was a Fabrikator like me, but much more skilled. She was able to bake bread with a flick of her wrist. She was so talented with it, so skilled, I always wished I would be like her when I was younger.
“She never called us Grisha, we were Zowa -blessed-. It made me feel special, even though I had to hide my power, I felt like I was unique, that we were untouchable.”
Wylan looked down at Jesper; funny, confident, flirty Jesper, slowly crumbling in his arms.
“My da, he didn’t like it. He didn’t think Grisha were horrible, he was just… scared for our safety, I guess. He had grown up with the idea that being Grisha was wrong, that it wasn’t natural. He didn’t want us to be taken as slaves and shipped to Saints knows where. My da tried to get us to promise to not use our powers all together, but ma wouldn’t accept that. She was always too kind for her own good, she used to say that she was given a gift, and it was her duty to help others with her powers.
“When I was seven, there was this girl -I don’t remember her name-, who had ingested contaminated water, poisoning herself. My mother left to help the girl, like she always did when someone was in pain. In the morning…”
Jesper attempted to move his head so Wylan couldn’t see his face, but Wylan could see well enough, and he didn’t miss the tears beginning to line the bottom of Jesper’s eyes. Wylan, wordlessly, placed a kiss on the top of Jesper’s head, and used his thumb to wipe away the few stray tears that had manged to escape. Jesper smiled, but it was short lasted.
“I was asleep, all I remember was my father picking me up and taking me to one of our horses, holding me as he rode. We got to the house, and the girl was healthy, shaken, but healthy. My ma was in a bedroom, asleep. I just assumed she was tired, that we were there to collect her and go home, but my da made no effort to move her, just kneeled next to the bed and held her hand.
“She died two days later, from absorbing too much of the poison while trying to extract it from the little girl’s body.”
“Saints.” Wylan couldn’t help but say, it coming out in more of a breath than a word.
“Ever since, I’ve hated my powers, hated what they mean and what they can do. My da was scared, so, so scared, he had just lost his wife, and he didn’t want to lose his only child too. He told me to never use my powers again, that I was to hide them to protect myself, that it was the only way, and I agreed. I never wanted to use them again, the thought of them alone disgusted me.”
Jesper was crying now, not even attempting to hide it, and Wylan could do nothing but hold him close, wishing he could take all of Jesper’s pain and transfer it to himself. He would spend a night with his father, alone, if it meant Jesper could be free of pain.
“Wylan, I don’t… I can hardly remember what she looks like. She used to sing songs to me, sometimes silly ones to make me smile, other times traditional Novyi Zem songs she had learnt from her own ma. I can’t-” He broke off with a sob. “I can’t remember what her voice sounds like anymore.”
Jesper’s crying had turned into sobbing now, letting the tears flow like a waterfall as he buried his face in Wylan’s chest, wanting to hide himself, not wanting to let anyone see his weakness. But, as hard as it was for Jesper to let go sometimes, he trusted Wylan. He knew Wylan would do nothing but support him, comfort him, take every broken piece of Jesper and carefully put them back together.
Wylan felt like crying himself, but he kept it together, for Jesper. He leaned back slightly, letting himself look into Jesper’s face, using his hands to wipe away the tear tracks from his face. As much as Wylan wanted to rid him of the pain, he couldn’t deny that even when crying, Jesper was still breath-taking.
Jesper looked at him, looked into Wylan’s eyes, and couldn’t help but lean up, connecting their lips. It was a soft, gentle kiss, with a promise of nothing more, neither needed to go further right now. They just needed to be close.
Jesper pulled back first, cuddling back into Wylan’s chest and sighing. “I used to tell myself ‘It’s not a gift. It’s a curse.’ and ‘That’s what killed your mother, do you understand?’. I convinced myself that my powers were a burden, so I began to resent them.
“I just, I can’t use my powers without thinking about my ma, and my da, and how shameful I feel using them.”
“Oh, Jes…” Wylan didn’t know what to say. How can you make someone feel better when they can’t even see the good in themselves? How can you try to fix someone who’s had their self-hatred rooted in them for years?
“Do you want to know what I think?” Wylan asked, continuing when Jesper nodded. “I think your mother sounded like a wonderful woman, and I think she knew that she had a beautiful gift, and she had so much love inside of her that she couldn’t keep it to herself, and just had to help anyone she could.
“I think you’re right about your father, that he loved you both so much, that he wanted to do anything to protect you two, even if it meant hiding a big part of yourself. And when your mother died, I think he let all of his fears get to his head, and decided the best thing to do was to keep you close, not letting you bloom for the fear you might go rotten.
“And I think you… I think you are magnificent. I think you have shielded yourself for so long, letting all of your self-doubts get to your head, that you can no longer see just how amazing both you and your powers are. I think your ability, what you can do, is something so special that must be celebrated and embraced. It is not something shameful, but rather something extraordinary.”
Jesper didn’t respond for a moment, but he wasn’t crying anymore. When he spoke, his voice was a whisper. “I don’t know how.”
“Then let me help.” Wylan said in reply. “Talk to me when your thoughts overwhelm you, let me hold you and cradle you and spoil you. You have spent so long protecting me from my father, let me protect you from your bad thoughts in return. Let me help you for once.”
Jesper sat up, moving so him and Wylan were sitting face to face. He cupped Wylan’s cheek in his hand, smiling a smile that made Wylan turn to mush inside. “I don’t know what I’d do without you sometimes.”
Wylan smiled, eyes crinkling, and accepted Jesper as he leaned forward to kiss him. Jesper ran his hand through Wylan’s mop of curls, while Wylan bunched the back of Jesper’s shirt into his hands.
It wouldn’t be okay for a while, both boys knew that. There would be more trouble, more tears, more unsuccessful nights, more anger. But they had each other, and there would always be tomorrow.