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When Jasper was being sent to explore new (and potentially dangerous) areas around Camp Jaha, Monty couldn't tell Jasper not to go. He knew Jasper had to go; he had to go on an adventure, he had to be right in the line of action, he had to make sure he did all he could to help.
There was a churning feeling in Monty's stomach.
"This mission might be a few days or a few weeks," Bellamy told a small group, "we're just checking what's really out there and seeing what's liveable."
The churning feeling in Monty's stomach intensified. He remembered their first "meeting" with the grounders (spear through chest) and their "meeting" with the mountain men (knocked out and kidnapped and then later caged and tortured) and he really, really didn't want to know what else was out there. He didn't want Jasper to find out what was out there.
"It'll be fine," Jasper said nonchalantly with a lopsided smile, "I'll be back before you know it. Don't have too much fun without me, not that that'd be possible," he teased Monty, playfully smacking him on the shoulder.
"Please, I couldn't be happier--" (Monty's voice cracked) "--that you're leaving. Maybe girls will actually look at me now."
Jasper laughed and ruffled Monty's hair. "See ya, Mont."
His goodbye was quick and painless. Monty could see Jasper trying to force his body to relax, masking an underlying nervousness that came with going on potentially dangerous missions, not wanting to worry Monty so in turn Monty didn't want to worry Jasper. But when he saw Jasper turn and walk away to meet the rest of the crew, all he could think about were spears and cages and blood and Jasper and how he didn't want to go through this again, he didn't want Jasper to go through this again (whatever this was, since everything was unknown and "potentially"-whatever), but it was happening and Jasper was leaving.
"Jasper," Monty snapped and he didn't know what he was saying or doing but he had to say or do something, "wait!"
And when Jasper turned around all the blood rushed to Monty's head and he was on autopilot: Monty ran to him and grabbed the collar of his shirt, suddenly becoming overwhelmed with a desire to be close to him, to not let him go (please don't go), pulling him down to his height, and chastely (weirdly?) pulled him into a soft, slow (weird?) kiss. "Please," Monty breathed when he broke the kiss, a lingering closeness between them, "be safe."
Jasper's eyes widened and Monty mimicked the action and suddenly his metaphorical world crashed around him. What the hell did he just do?
"Oh shit-- I mean--" he whispered, letting go of Jasper's shirt.
"Did... did you--" Jasper started but Monty smacked him on the back enthusiastically, cutting him off.
"See ya, Jas!"
Monty ran back to his tent, zipped it up, and let out a string of swears.
What did he just do? Why did he just do that? God, no, he knew why.
Of course he was in love with Jasper. How could he not be? Jasper was loyal, fun, and incredibly smart but never rubbed any of that in anyones faces. He was easy going and wonderful and Monty always felt right when they were together.
He let out another string of swears. Why did he have to realize he was in love with Jasper at this moment, the moment Jasper would be haunted by probably for the duration of the mission (that awkward day his dorky best friend kissed him in a More Than Friends sort of way) when they couldn't talk about it or, better yet, couldn't pretend it never happened.
The churning feeling in Monty's stomach reminded him of Jasper's departure and he groaned, full of worry and regret.
(Days passed and the uncertainty of whether Jasper would come back or not ate away at Monty. He knew he shouldn't worry for nothing, but he felt nauseous because he re-imagined and continuously dreamed of Jasper rejecting his feelings--"you're my best friend, it'd be weird"--a million times every night and the only thing that made it worse was the fact that he kept thinking about rejection when his best friend might not even come back alive.)
23 days later, Monty heard an announcement saying the mission crew was back. He rushed out, instantly searching for Jasper.
Their eyes locked from across the room; Jasper's face lit up and the churning feeling in Monty's stomach kicked in full force. Jasper was taller than most of the others and stood out from the crowd; he was beautiful (what?) with his million dollar smile (uh?). "Monty!" Jasper called out and the welcoming crowd seemingly parted ways to let the best friends have a dramatic reunion and Monty thought that maybe he'd die of embarrassment and awkwardness right then and there.
When Jasper finally made his way over to Monty, he embraced him in one of his infamous Jasper Jordan hugs: all-encompassing, strong, reassuring, comfortable. Upon closer inspection he seemed slightly bonier (did he lose weight?) and he had cuts and bruises all over his face and Monty felt a sense of worry wash over him but no, no, he should totally stay cool right now.
"Did you miss me?" was the first thing Jasper said and he practically shined with that huge grin of his and oh, that was how they were going to do this: pretending like nothing strange had happened between them.
"What the hell happened to you, dude?" Monty scoffed, pointing to a huge scratch across Jasper's nose, pretending he didn't think it was as bad as he really thought it was.
"This?" Jasper poked his nose and laughed (and Monty let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding because Jasper laughing made him feel like 900% better already), "Uh-- well, actually, uhm, I'll tell you later. Can we talk? I mean, hang out-- uh, I've got something I wanna show you."
If the churning feeling in Monty's stomach was a sound it'd be piercing through his ears right now to the point of Head Explosion. Jasper wanted to talk? Shit. "Sure," Monty cleared his throat and swallowed. "That's fine."
When Monty stopped by Jasper's tent later, Jasper was already setup in the corner with a bottle of what Monty presumed was alcohol.
"Monty!" Jasper exclaimed upon Monty's arrival and Monty's heart raced for whatever reason (which Monty swore was stupid because Jasper was his best friend and realizing he was in love with his best friend shouldn't make him this awkward). "What's wrong?"
Monty blinked, suddenly realizing he was staring. Jasper looked more comfortable now after changing into a t-shirt but it also revealed he had more cuts and bruises all over his arms. Monty looked away.
"Right," Jasper seemed to catch on, "you told me to be safe. I promise I did! These aren't anything serious--" his hands ghosted over slightly-healed cuts, "I fell into a ditch. Embarrassing, I know."
Monty bit his lip at the mention of his past "be safe" comment. So Jasper did remember. Great. Monty coughed. "Oh, right, well, uh," he stuttered, "so, how was it? The exploration. Give me details or something! Quit wasting my time with your embarrassing injuries."
Jasper's eyes softened (why? Could he not be cutely affectionate for like one second?). "It was ok-- but, wait, dude, this is what I wanna show you!" Jasper's pitch heightened and he showcased the bottle he'd been holding. "Octavia found it while we were out. Vodka!"
"Vodka?" Monty's jaw dropped.
"Vodka!" Jasper waggled his eyebrows.
"Dude! Niiiice! I knew this trip would be worth it!"
"I know, right? Nothing else even matters."
"Yeah, like, why are we even talking right now?"
Jasper laughed and pulled out two makeshift cups, pouring a shot for each of them.
A while passed and Monty swirled the vodka in his cup. The churning sensation in his stomach was reminding him that yes, he was still feeling awkward, no matter how hard he tried to act normal. He'd barely touched his drink. "Uhm," he decided to break the ice after sitting in silence for a while, watching Jasper drink more every so often. "How do you like it?"
"Huh?" Jasper seemed to be caught off-guard. "Oh, yeah, fine, good," he smiled.
"So are you finally gonna tell me about the trip or are you too drunk already?" Monty teased. The vodka was strong and he definitely couldn't drink a lot of it. Although, considering his current state, maybe getting drunk would have been a good thing.
"I thought about you a lot," Jasper said suddenly, quietly.
Monty stared. He definitely wasn't drunk enough for this. Suddenly his cup of vodka seemed like 7,000 miles away.
After 4,915 years (seemingly) of silence, Monty forced out a laugh. "Well, duh, I'm pretty distracting," he awkwardly joked and tried to take a shot but ended up coughing it up, throat burning.
"Yeah."
Jasper couldn't look Monty in the eyes.
Metaphorical alarms sounded furiously in Monty's head and no, no, he had to get out of here because Jasper was drunk, wasn't he? He was drunk and Jasper was an affectionate drunk and it was too soon and Monty wasn't strong enough to forget his feelings yet. "I gotta go--" he practically spit out but his voice cracked and he cursed at how transparent he was.
"Wait, Monty," Jasper finally made eye contact with Monty, lightly holding onto his wrist so he couldn't leave. "Wait, can we talk?"
"There's nothing to talk about, I'm sorry, Jasper, I didn't--" he was vomiting words and he swore he was making the situation worse because to Monty everything went back to the "Be Safe" Incident when Jasper might just want to talk about plants or berries or nuts or something for all he knew but he didn't care, he needed to get out of there before he did something (or said something) stupid.
"Hear me out," Jasper pleaded and his voice was stupid and gentle and Monty hated (melted over) it. "I thought about you a lot," Jasper repeated and Monty wanted to die at that very moment, "I missed you. I, uh..." (shit, shit, shit, Monty panicked, was Jasper blushing? No, he was drunk, right?) "I kept thinking about... I mean, I was wondering if you wanted to try-- uh, no, I mean, Monty, do you--" (Monty's eyes widened and his heart stopped beating) "--do you... like... like me?"
One second turned into 2,000,000 years and Monty metaphorically withered away. A dry wind blew and his body disintegrated. "I have to go," his real world voice finally choked out, "I really have to go," he choked out urgently, remembering all the dreams he had of Jasper trying to be nice to him, trying to turn him down nicely and sweetly and god, he felt like an idiot.
"Monty," Jasper gripped his arm a bit more firmly and Monty stared at Jasper mortified and terrified until Jasper shifted closer to him. "Please don't go."
Monty froze.
He held his breath and thought about how he didn't want to go and he wanted (needed) to be close to Jasper and suddenly the space between them was nonexistent. Jasper leaned in towards him hesitantly at first, then slowly, gently, with warm, chapped lips kissed Monty and, for a second, Monty forgot he wasn't drunk/high/stoned/dreaming and that this wasn't a hallucination because what the hell?
Jasper pulled away with ragged breath and his eyelashes fluttered across Monty's cheeks and the churning feeling in his stomach turned into full-on fireworks.
"Jasper--" he managed to find the tiniest voice inside him and pushed it out.
"Was it ok?" Jasper asked and Monty had no idea what was going on.
"Y-yeah--" Monty stuttered in reply as Jasper rested his forehead against Monty's and his hands slowly made their way down to Monty's waist and progressively, naturally they were kissing again.
What was he supposed to do when his drunk best friend who he was madly in love with (or the fireworks that went off in his stomach that rapidly found their way into his heart would make him believe) was gently pulling him closer by the small of his back and cupping his face and kissing him like they were the only two people in the whole world, anyway?
He was too sober for this and he definitely should not be doing this. He imagined himself pushing Jasper away, stopping him before Jasper did anything he regretted. Imaginary-Monty was cool, composed, and had endless amounts of self control.
Real World-Monty crumbled at Jasper's touch and found himself wrapping his arms around Jasper's neck, deepening the kiss.
"Monty," Jasper breathed and Monty prayed that he would pass out right then and there because Jasper using that voice to say his name was too much, "tell me if you don't like it, ok?"
And when Jasper said "it" Monty had no idea what he meant because his lips were pulsing from contact and Jasper was already kissing him again, sucking on his bottom lip, and Monty tried to say something in approval but ended up with a muffled moan as he pulled Jasper closer by grabbing at his shirt, his head swirling at their closeness--a closeness that Monty knew he'd been wanting but didn't know it'd feel this good, and he felt his skin starting to flush the more Jasper touched him.
Jasper started kissing Monty's neck, pulling at the collar of his t-shirt to kiss his collarbone, his hand riding up his shirt, laying him flat against the ground, the pressure of Jasper's body against his shooting sparks through him, heart rates picking up, and oh--
Monty wished he could've been calm, cool, and collected enough to ask Jasper if he realized he was kissing him: his awkward, introverted, kind of lame best friend; but at the same time he felt selfish and wanted more of Jasper and wanted to tell him he was in love with him (too soon), and what were they doing anyway? Jasper was an affectionate drunk but they'd never gone this far, was it because Monty first kissed him all those weeks ago? Was Jasper exploring Monty's feelings for him? Was Jasper lonely? Bored? But when he searched for the words to ask Jasper his mind went blank and all he could think of was Jasper and how did he get so good at this anyway?
"Hey," Jasper broke through Monty's thoughts and Monty realized Jasper was stroking his cheek (cutely affectionate), leaning over him, seemingly concerned, "should I stop?"
'Yes!' Imaginary-Monty cried, 'I think you're the most drunk I've ever seen you because why else would you be kissing me? And, by the way, I love you so I'm the worst candidate for this situation.'
"No, don't," Real World-Monty sighed between heavy breaths because having Jasper so close to him felt so right and he never wanted Jasper to leave, never wanted him to stop, and he felt Jasper smile against his skin, leaving a trail of kisses down his stomach and continuing to work his way down.
When Jasper pulled at Monty's waistband he felt his body twitch and when he felt Jasper's mouth on him warm and wet and pulsing he thought, for a second, that he'd break right then and there.
(And when Monty mimicked the action later, causing Jasper to say his name in ways he never even knew possible, he thought, again, that he'd break right then and there or, at least, that he'd wake up from this dream.)
(But when he woke up the next morning he realized it wasn't a dream because he was still in Jasper's tent, in Jasper's arms, warm and comfortable and the churning feeling in his stomach felt more like gently fluttering butterflies.)
(And the butterflies died a fiery death when he caught sight of Jasper's vodka bottle and suddenly he remembered the night before in full detail--a strange mix of giddiness and regret, maybe, but mostly hypothetical empathy for Jasper--and he knew he needed to leave right now.)
For 4 days Monty successfully avoided Jasper. His stomach ached and his whole body felt overcome with stress, terrified of what Sober Jasper remembered from that night, of what Sober Jasper would even think of that night, and the 3 nights of rejection-based nightmares Monty had been having weren't helping at all.
Sometimes he thought being rejected wouldn't be a bad thing, other times he wondered if Jasper felt the same way but then he remembered girls, Octavia, and Maya, and then he'd look in the mirror and think about how he didn't stand a chance (or maybe he was just making up excuses but coming up with excuses felt better than having any of them validated).
Monty was tired and confused. He knew talking it out with Jasper was the only thing he could do to solve this but he wasn't ready, he wasn't strong enough to face Jasper and not be overcome with the desire to kiss him.
He blushed at his own lovesick patheticness.
"Monty!"
His thoughts were interrupted and suddenly he realized he was in the middle of the common area, in line for his dinner rations, and shit, shit, he wasn't paying attention and Jasper had found him.
So Monty ran.
He left the line, ran for the nearest exit, only to hear footsteps behind him and shit, was Jasper chasing him!? When he looked behind him, his fears were validated: Jasper was chasing after him but his legs were so long, Monty knew he didn't stand a chance.
"Monty, wait!" Jasper called out to him, "Please talk to me!"
"I don't wanna talk, Jasper, stop following m--" Monty started but Jasper tackled him to the ground, causing a loud thud to echo through the common area, everyone around them making space and watching them skeptically.
"Jas--!" Monty spit out from under him, squirming uncomfortably (too close), "What the heck!?"
"Why are you avoiding me?" Jasper asked, his sad voice being rivaled by his sad eyes.
Monty's heart broke, encouraging a desire to tell Jasper everything right then and there. He searched for any sort of strength inside him but all he found was a rapidly beating heart and feelings he had no idea what to do with.
"I'm sorry," Jasper broke his thoughts again because Jasper was always the only one who had strength to do anything in every situation, "I thought we... I mean... Mont, I messed up, didn't I?"
Monty stared at Jasper: currently on top of him, his arms on either side of him, and by the flush on Jasper's cheeks and the movement of his chest Monty could tell Jasper's heart was beating fast. Jasper looked sad and defeated and no, no, Monty knew Jasper was blaming himself (sweet and nice, as always) for everything but it wasn't Jasper's fault, it was his, his fault for being too in love, too selfish, too stupid, and he needed Jasper to know that.
"We... we were drinking-- and-- and you-- I--" Monty finally managed to spit out, trying to find the right words to explain himself.
Jasper's eyes widened. "Shit," he started panicking, "shit, shit, Monty--" his panic started rising and Monty held his breath in confusion, "--were you drunk!? Oh, god, Monty--" (Jasper's face went pale) "--you were-- oh my god, I thought-- shit, did I--?" (suddenly he looked sick and he rubbed at his neck nervously) "Was it... was it n-- n-- n-nonconsensual? Oh god, I'm gonna be sick--" he held his stomach and Monty's eyes bulged in shock and confusion and what?
He punched Jasper in the face to shut him up.
"Shit--! Monty, I'm sor--"
"I wasn't drunk!" Monty shouted, unable to make sense of how this situation started crashing and burning so horrifically, "You were drunk!"
Jasper stared at him, his cheek starting to turn pink from Monty's punch. "What?"
"You were drunk and I still-- I mean, god, you asked me like a million times if I wanted to keep going and I said yes but you were drunk and-- and I'm sorry Jasper, I'm sorry I'm--"
"I wasn't drunk," Jasper breathed, his face pale, his eyes wide, his mouth slightly agape, "I didn't even finish one shot."
There was a silence.
"What?" Monty managed to choke out, "Then... then why did you..?"
"I'm in love with you," Jasper said with ease.
Suddenly Monty became painfully aware of his surroundings: still in the midst of the common area, a few passersby watching them tentatively, Monty laying on the ground, Jasper leaning over him where he had tackled Monty down earlier.
Monty swallowed, a ringing noise piercing through his ears, his heartbeat getting stuck inside his throat. "What?"
"I'm in love with you, Monty," Jasper sighed and pressed his forehead against Monty's, his eyes closing, his expression a mixture of concentration and relief. "I wasn't drunk, I just wanted to be with you. And you kissed me too so I thought... maybe..."
When Jasper opened his eyes, Monty felt the fluttering of his eyelashes again and butterflies filled his entire stomach and he tried to process the situation but all he could think about was Jasper looking at him, being close to him, loving him (?), and he thought his heart might explode right then and there.
Instead, Monty cupped Jasper's face into his hands and pulled him closer, kissing him, letting all his stress melt from his body.
Jasper smiled into the kiss, returning it sweetly and confidently and Monty hugged Jasper tight, causing Jasper to laugh, gently breaking the kiss. "Does this mean you're in love with me too?" he asked, his lopsided grin making Monty's heart beat 200% faster than before.
"Yeah," Monty whispered, his whole face pink in embarrassment, "I'm in love with you," (his heartbeat screamed in his ears and he hoped Jasper wouldn't notice) "you dork," he added playfully.
"I knew it! Who isn't, though?" Jasper smiled and for a second Monty thought he could hear Jasper's heartbeat, too.
"You piss me off," Monty coughed, pushing Jasper off him, letting Jasper roll onto the ground laughing.
"Ahem," a voice from above them cleared their throat, "do you mind?"
Bellamy was standing over them, reminding them that they were, in fact, in public.
Monty hid his face in his hands and Jasper laughed nervously.
Behind his hands, Monty smiled and completely forgot about the past churning feeling in his stomach, instead preoccupied by the butterflies that made their new home there.
(And later, when they were alone, Jasper apologized for always worrying Monty--"I like the attention, ow, hey, kidding, I'm kidding!"--finally admitting that he just wanted to be the one to make sure Monty was safe.)