Work Text:
They nearly died today. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. They nearly died.
If you three had been one second too slow, you would have all been caught in the yacht explosion, and if the blast didn’t kill you, then the blazing fire would have, or you would have all drowned, or—
Lupin shook his head before his thoughts could delve into more gruesome possibilities.
He hated nights like this. He would never get a second of sleep when they got this bad. Instead, his thoughts would creep into his mind like a spreading sickness, and whisper horrible things to him, keeping him up with their taunts and terrors. All night, they would speak things to him that he hoped were lies but could never tell for sure, and would repeat them over and over until he had no choice but to accept them as true, no matter how horrible they were.
He turned over on his side and looked at his sleeping companions. They were alive but riddled with injuries. Goemon had sustained a bad burn on his legs that would make it painful for him to walk for a while. But at least he hadn’t bled out when the bullet grazed his neck. Jigen had fractured his right arm and severely sprained his wrist on his left, so he would need help carrying and holding things until he got better. But at least he hadn’t been crushed when the ceiling had collapse on top of him. Despite everything, they were still breathing; they were still alive and here with him. Wasn’t that enough? Couldn’t that be enough?
No, you moron, of course it can’t, his thoughts hissed. You nearly got them killed. You nearly killed them, just like all those times before!
They were right. They were always right. Lupin slowly rose from the bed and moved into the hallway. He didn’t want to risk the others catching him like this, when he was being weak and stupid. He pulled down the folding ladder and climbed up into the attic. From there, he climbed out the window and onto the roof where he was immediately bathed in moonlight and the biting night air. He sat down on the old shingles, pulled his legs in close to his chest, and buried his face in his knees, wanting nothing more than to vanish from the world until he felt better. When that would be, he had no idea.
What are you doing? You love them, so why do you do this to them? What if they really had died? It would have been all your fault, and they would never forgive you! They would hate you forever! They probably hate you now!
Lupin raised his face slightly and stared out into the distance. Far into the hills, he could see an ocean of houses, each no doubt holding a person or family that was safer and more at ease with themselves than he was in that moment. People like them weren’t hunted down on a daily basis. They weren’t shot at or tortured. They never had to worry about where it would be safe to eat or sleep. They just…lived, surrounded by loved ones with barely a worry.
Those people have the right idea, his thoughts sneered. They don’t go around putting their loved ones in danger. They give them a warm home and a life of security. Why can’t you do that Lupin? Why do you have to be such a terrible partner and husband? You’re awful, Lupin.
“Lupin?”
Lupin gasped and turned his head. Jigen was poking halfway out of the attic window, looking at his fellow thief with worry.
“What are you doing out here?” he asked. “Why are you crying?”
Lupin was confused until he wiped his eyes and felt the tears. “Was I? I hadn’t noticed…”
Jigen hoisted himself onto the roof and took a seat next to Lupin. “…You wanna talk about it?”
Not really, but Lupin knew there was no point in hiding from the other. “Jigen…do you ever wonder what your life would be like if I wasn’t here?”
All the time! I bet he regrets ever joining you!
The gunman reached over and grasped Lupin’s hand. He held it as best as he could with his injury.
“Not really,” Jigen replied. “I think my life would be a lot worse if you weren’t here.”
“Really?”
He’s lying and you know it, you idiot.
“Yeah. I mean, for one thing, I’d probably be dead.”
Lupin felt a chill come over him. He pulled his hand away and hugged his legs tighter.
Jigen scooted closer and wrapped his arm around the other, pulling him close. “What I mean is that you’ve always got my back. Before I met you, I was all alone. I didn’t have anyone who gave a rat’s ass about me.”
“And being put in constant danger is better than that?”
“Better to die being loved than to just fade away.”
Lupin tensed. This time, he could feel the tears coming. “Do you ever…hate me?”
Of course he does! Don’t ask such stupid questions. It probably annoys him.
Jigen squeezed the other tighter. “For what?”
“For nearly getting you killed? For being stupid and putting you and Goemon in danger all the time? For just…being annoying in general.”
“You’re not annoying.” JIgen rested his cheek on Lupin’s head. “And I could never hate you, but I do think I would get a little pissed if you started being overly protective of me all the time. You know I can handle myself.”
See? Now you’ve insulted him. You should have just kept your mouth shut, Lupin.
Lupin didn’t respond. He kept his face buried in his knees, wanting to hide his weakness from the other. Jigen paused too, thinking of what to say next.
“…You ever hear the story of Achilles?”
Lupin didn’t answer, so JIgen continued.
“Achilles was a famous warrior, and he had a lover and partner named Patroclus. The two of them got swept up in the Trojan war, but Achilles didn’t want to fight. Patroclus tried to convince him to, but Achilles didn’t listen. Since he couldn’t convince his partner to fight, Patroclus decided to put on Achilles armor and go out and fight disguised as him. People fell for it, and Patroclus was targeted and killed. When Achilles found out what happened, he blamed himself. He went on a rampage and eventually got himself killed too.”
“So?” Lupin mumbled.
You’re just like Achilles. You’re pigheaded and your choices are going to get your loved ones killed.
“You’re acting like Achilles; you’re blaming yourself for not just your own choices but for your loved one’s too. Achilles didn’t tell Patroclus to go out dressed as him. Patroclus chose to do that on his own, just like how me and Goemon chose to go through with your plan to rob the yacht.”
“But if Achilles had acted different, Patroclus wouldn’t have made the choice that got him killed. Just like if I had acted different, you two could have avoided nearly getting blown up.”
That’s right. If you had just done something different—If you had just planned the whole thing differently—then the whole thing could have turned out better. Yes, it was your fault for not being more careful, for not being smarter.
“Lupin, there’s no way you could have predicted that the plan would go as bad as it did. You can’t blame yourself for things you can’t predict, and you sure as hell can’t blame yourself for getting me and Goemon killed when that didn’t even happen.”
Of course you can! You’ve been doing that this whole time! And you deserve to blame yourself! You deserve to feel this way!
“But it could have, and it would’ve been all my fault because I was the one who put you two in danger! I’m always the one putting you two in danger, even though you love me and I love you!” Lupin sobbed. The thoughts were screaming now. “One day, I’m going to get you two killed, and you know that, but you still keep loving me! That’s so fucked up! I’m fucked up! It’d be better if I was the one that got killed—"
Suddenly, Lupin was yanked into a full embrace. The shock of the action silenced him and his thoughts.
“Don’t even say something like that,” Jigen said, holding the other securely in his lap. “You’re here talking about how horrible it would be if Goemon or I died, but what makes you think we’d feel any different if you died?”
“But…”
You would have deserved it.
“…I would have deserved it.”
“Bullshit,” Jigen growled. He grabbed Lupin’s face and forced the other to look him in the eyes. “Whoever or whatever is making you think that can fuck right off. You got that? You’re a wild, crazy, brilliant, beautiful bastard who deserves to live just as much as anybody else in this world.”
It was only now that Lupin noticed that Jigen had been crying too.
“I’ll never hate you. I love you more than you’ll ever understand, and I never want to live my life any different than the way I’m living it with you now.”
Jigen words shined like sunbeams. If Lupin thoughts were saying anything, he couldn’t hear them anymore. He sensed them slink back to the dark abyss they had come from, leaving the thief with a much-needed calmness in his mind and a fullness in his chest. He smiled, and genuinely meant it when he did.
“You always know just what to say, don’t you, Ji-Ji?”
Jigen gave a short hum and pressed his forehead against Lupin’s. “I just state the facts.”
“That’s good, because I forget sometimes…”
“I know.” He gave Lupin a peck on the forehead. “Come back to bed with me, okay? I’m freezing my ass off.”
Lupin chuckled. “Okay.”
“And, Lupin?”
“Yeah?”
“Next time, when things get this bad, please tell me. I don’t know exactly what you were thinking, but you don’t have to be alone with those thoughts.”
“…Okay.”