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Daryl throws an acorn at the can. It misses.
“So close,” Carol says, taking her turn, and also missing.
Daryl makes another failed attempt.
“Mr. Crossbow, I thought aiming was your thing,” Carol teases.
It feels like it’s been so long since he spent time with Carol like this. It’s effortless. He can simply be here in this space and in this moment. He feels at peace, despite the circumstances and the looming threat of the Whisperers.
“It’s definitely not your thing,” Daryl retorts. He throws another acorn and this time it hits the can.
“Mm-mm. Sorry, doesn’t count.”
“Of course that counts.”
“No, you gotta knock the can over. You can’t just kiss it.”
“Oh my god, you’re such a sore loser.”
“I'd have to lose in order to be a sore loser, so since that didn't count, I'm gonna take my turn,” Carol says, scanning the ground for another acorn.
“Oh, it's a double-capper,” she coos, holding up the connected acorns to show Daryl. “They're good luck. Maybe it'll help your aim.”
She passes it to Daryl.
“Very funny. But I'll keep it.” He slides it into his inside pocket.
He doesn’t particularly believe in luck, but he isn’t the type to turn his nose up at it either. Every little helps in this goddamn messed up world.
“You should watch your own throws, though,” he says, taking another shot. “Boom.”
“How was Hilltop?” Carol asks.
“It was fine. King sends his best.”
“Connie fine, too?”
Daryl hears the suggestion in her voice and turns to look at Carol. He knows her well enough to know that he hasn’t misread the tone of her voice and scoffs lightly.
“What? I see things," she says.
“It's not like that.”
“No?”
“Not at all,” Daryl says calmly, despite his growing discomfort with the direction the conversation is heading in.
“Why not?”
He sighs. Daryl has spent a lifetime trying to swerve these types of conversations. Merle always bragged about his conquests, having a different woman on his arm every week. Sometimes he poked and prodded Daryl, questioning why he seemed so uninterested in women. When Daryl said nothing, Merle would tell him that he needed to find a “hot piece of ass” to help him loosen up. To Daryl's relief, over the years, Merle backed off, too preoccupied with drugs and booze to notice or care. After that nobody else ever cared enough to question him about his love life.
“Aren't that many people left to find out there these days, much less good ones like her," Carol adds.
Daryl nods. “Yeah, I know.” And he does know. Daryl really likes Connie. He admires her strength, courage and determination. She’s fierce; a survivor. But that doesn’t mean that he wants to sleep with her or be anything more than her friend. This assumption has followed him his entire life – that if he likes someone of the opposite sex he must like her. When he was at high-school he assumed it was a teen thing, but it followed him into adulthood too much to his dismay.
“Well, then why not?” Carol asks, not backing down.
“What's it matter?” Daryl hopes that she will drop it now, but of course that isn't Carol’s nature.
“Because it does. You don't have to be alone. Years pass, Daryl. You can't hide out with your dog forever.”
Alone is Daryl’s default; it’s how he’s most comfortable. It’s never been the struggle that it seems to be for others. He’s never needed others, never depended on anyone else, not even when he was a kid. He didn’t have that luxury. But he has to admit that the loneliness has gotten to be a lot recently, especially since Rick’s death.
“I know that.”
“I know you think it’s easier to be alone but it's a choice and you can choose differently. The world has gone to shit but there’s still something else, something more out there.”
“Like what?”
“Love.”
“Love?” Daryl scoffs and mutters scathingly under his breath.
“Could you not be such a cynic for once in your life?”
“I didn’t exactly take you for a romantic.”
“I’m not, but I know how important it is. Believe me, after Ed I didn’t believe in love either but it’s out there.”
“Ezekiel?”
Carol bows her head and clears her throat. It’s still difficult for her to talk about him.
“Just think about what I said. I don’t want you to be alone, Daryl. You deserve more.”
“What if I don’t want ‘more’?” Daryl challenges, meeting Carol’s eyes. “What if what I have is enough? What if I’m not like you or everybody else?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about love," Daryl says, exasperated. "I ain’t never had it and I don’t want it. Not the kind you’re on about anyhow.”
“Never?”
Daryl looks away from her and inhales deeply. He didn’t plan to say any of that, it just came out. He throws another acorn forcefully at the can, needing a distraction and something to take his frustration out on. The can topples over.
“See, your aim is getting better already,” Carol says.
After a few moments silence, she reaches out to touch Daryl’s arm, sensing his distress. “You know you can tell me anything and I won’t judge you. God knows we’ve been through enough together over the years. Tell me what's going on in that head of yours.”
It’s not like he’s been hiding who he is from Carol or from anyone else. Daryl has always just been Daryl. He’s never liked to make a fuss or take up space. That’s just who he is. When it comes to this part of himself, he always assumed nobody cared. Besides, it never came up. But now that it has, he feels that it’s time to be honest. And Carol is his best friend. She's part of him and he knows he can trust her. Even if she doesn't understand completely, she will still accept him for who he is.
“I dunno,” Daryl mumbles, biting the inside of his mouth nervously and searching for the right words. “I guess I just never felt that way about someone, you know.”
“You’ve never been in love?” Carol asks.
Honestly, Daryl is surprised Carol hasn’t noticed this sooner. He’s never mentioned an ex or expressed interest in finding a partner or spoken about sex or love or any of the stuff that occupies so much of other people’s lives, minds and hearts. Even in the goddamn apocalypse it still happened: Shane fell for Lori and hooked up with Andrea; Rick fell for Michonne; then there was Maggie and Glenn; Carol and Ezekiel; Rosita and Abraham; Rosita and Gabriel; Sasha and Bob; Tara and Denise; even Carl had a little thing going on with Enid. Everyone around him had been in love or hooked up with someone. Everyone except him.
Daryl shakes his head. “I thought maybe it would happen one day but…”
“You never dated either?”
“Was never interested.”
“Not even in sex?” Carol asks, surprised.
Daryl cringes at the question but shakes his head. “I did it but didn’t care for it.”
“I just don’t have it,” Daryl says shrugging. “That thing – whatever it is – that makes people go crazy over another person, that makes them crave being in love and sex. It’s like it’s just not hardwired into my brain.”
“But you love people?”
“Of course.” Daryl is offended by the insinuation that he doesn’t love, particularly since Carol is one of the people he loves most in the world. “Just not that kinda love.”
“Romantic love?”
Daryl nods. “Growing up I had Merle and as much of a shit he was, he was all I needed. Then when the world went to hell I had Rick and Shane and Lori and Glenn…”
Carol sniffles, the mention of the people they lost touching a nerve.
“What about now?”
“Now? Now I have Judith and RJ. And Dog. Everybody at Alexandria and Hilltop…”
“And me.”
“And you,” Daryl agrees smiling at Carol softly. “You talk about wanting more but I don't want more, what I have is enough. I don’t need nobody else. I don’t want nobody else. And even if I did…I don’t think I could.”
“Well, that’s okay.”
Daryl didn’t know how much he needed to hear those words until he hears them. He's carried this in silence his entire life.
“Guess it’s hard when you’ve spent your whole life thinking you were broken or some shit.”
“You are not broken, Daryl Dixon” Carol says, insistently.
“Really? Then why you trying to get me together with Connie?”
“I wasn’t trying to get you together with Connie.”
“Sure sounded like it to me.”
“I was making an observation, but clearly I was wrong. I’m sorry."
“Wow, I never thought I’d hear you say that.”
Carol slaps him and playfully says, “Shut up.”
“I’m serious.”
“Well, don’t get used to it.”
They both laugh.
"I love you, you know?" It's the first time in 10 years that Daryl has said the words aloud to Carol, despite showing it everyday through his actions. They aren't words that have ever come easily to him; he's a big believer in actions speaking louder than words. But in this moment it feels right to tell her explicably and undeniably.
Carol takes his hand in hers, meets his eyes and nods, tears reflected in her eyes. "I love you, too."
She rests her head on his shoulder and his heart feels full.