Chapter Text
“You know,” Guillermo says, tension strangling his voice, “You two could just get your own fucking familiar instead of complaining about how I don’t do enough when I’m not your familiar. ”
All three of them scoff in unison and Guillermo grits his teeth against the frustration.
“Do not waste your time,” Nandor says loftily, holding his chin up in the air and wearing that imperious expression that almost always precedes some manner of bullshit coming out of his mouth, “They have long abandoned their efforts to get a decent familiar since they skipped out on my Familiar Workshop.”
Laszlo and Nadja both groan in unison.
“Don’t start on that again,” Laszlo whines while Nadja snaps, “We don’t need your stupid workshop.”
“What’s a familiar workshop?” Guillermo asks, voicing the question with hesitance as though he doesn’t really want to know. The reaction to his question is explosive. Nadja and Laszlo both start screaming, first telling Guillermo and then Nandor to shut their mouths and threatening them with violence. Nandor’s face just lights up and he springs to his feet.
“I will go get my pamphlet!” he hollers and runs from the room. Laszlo and Nadja continue yelling, but neither of them actually leaves the room.
“Did someone say pamphlet?” Colin Robinson says, thrusting his head into the room and the chaos just gets louder.
“I found it!” Nandor says a few minutes later, walking back into the room and holding up a few sheets of yellowed paper.
“You are not making us sit through you reading that,” Laszlo says, jabbing an accusing finger towards Nandor, “I’d rather sit on my own balls.”
“I’m not going to read it,” Nandor says, flopping back into his chair with a flourish, “Guillermo is.” He holds the paper up towards Guillermo with a big shit-eating grin. Guillermo sighs and sets down his duster, letting his curiosity get the better of him as he crosses the room and takes the pamphlet from Nandor.
The paper is old and the corners crumbled, and Guillermo has to tilt it towards the light to read the faded type.
“Nandor the Relentless’s Ultimate Vampire’s… Guide to Familiars,” he reads haltingly, the old-timey font and faded ink making him stumble a little, “By Nandor the Relentless, nineteen-oh-six. Did you honestly publish this?”
Nandor shrugs.
“It was the fashion at the time for vampires to publish things and pretend they were farce.”
“Ghost written,” Laszlo says around a cough, only giving the barest effort to conceal his meaning. Nandor whirls around to glare at him.
“I would never trust a ghost to write for me!” he says. Laszlo opens his mouth to explain that wasn’t what he meant, visibly gives up, and waves Guillermo on to continue. Guillermo is flicking through the delicate pages, a sharp frown on his face.
“This is going to be really insulting to me, isn’t it?” he asks, apparently already resigned to his fate.
“Why would it be insulting to you? It’s just a tell-all guide instructing vampires on how to manipulate stupid humans into doing their bidding–oh yes, I see.” Nandor closes his mouth and frowns, contemplating that idea.
“Who cares if it’s insulting to Gizmo?” Nadja says sharply, “Just read the damn thing!”
“Weren’t you just–oh nevermind,” Guillermo grumbles, then he sighs one last time and holds up the pamphlet and starts to read.
~
Nandor the Relentless's Ultimate Vampire Guide to Familiars
Familiars are an essential tool necessary to the survival of any Great and Fearsome Vampire. They can bridge the gap between the human and vampire worlds, ensuring a vampire can remain undetected within a human settlement and maintain a certain standard of appearance expected of any attractive and alluring vampire.
"But Nandor!" I hear you cry out in your weak, young vampire voice, "Familiars are too risky! They're expensive and needy and delicious! And they keep escaping!"
Worry not, puny vampire. Simply follow these five rules and in no time you will have a loyal, competent and quiet henchman to do all your dark bidding and keep you smelling fresh and flowery.
~
RULE 1: DO NOT CHOOSE A FAMILIAR YOU LIKE
The choosing of the familiar is the most important part of the process. Bad familiars can be difficult to detect on first impressions and it could take you years to finally rid yourself of a bad familiar. It is essential you choose a familiar that you are ambivalent about. Do not choose one you like very much, as this can be dangerous to your continued existence as a Great and Fearsome Vampire. Choose a familiar you can stand to be around for long periods of time but who is also profoundly uninteresting, and hopefully has some kind of quiet, boring hobby they will bring up on occasion to remind you of how little you care about their existence. The ideal familiar should be unobtrusive, plain to look at (so as to not distract from your handsome vampire charms), and inspire only boredom in anyone they meet.
~
Panera Bread, 1500 Roseway Ave Suite 4, Staten Island, New York 10314
October 31, 2009 9:34 PM
"Oh my god, I love your costume!"
Nandor flinches away from the voice and turns to snarl, but the small human standing there holding a broom is not screaming in fear or attempting an attack. He's grinning.
"You're a vampire, right? Like a real, authentic–is that middle eastern armor? Wow! You must be a professional or something because you look…" The human trails off, staring at him, and Nandor isn't sure what exactly to do. He would be draining this human and shoving his body into the dumpster out back, but he'd just done that and was too full to eat any more. Not to mention how dangerous it was to eat two humans from the same shopping center in the same night when he currently had no familiar to order to dispose of bodies properly for him. No, he would need to rely on his charms to get through this situation. He holds up his hand to hypnotize the human. He pauses. He mentally spools back the words the human had said.
"Costume…?" he repeats, searching through his memory for a meaning to the word and eventually coming up with something, "Oh, how I am dressed! Yes, I am wearing a costume of a vampire because I am… not a vampire."
The human laughs and after a beat Nandor joins him, falling back to the old staple of skating through social interactions with awkward laughter.
“That’s great. You really commit, huh? I’ve tried accents before but I just cannot pull them off at all. Yours sounds really natural, though, vaguely European without being all Count Chocula, you know? It’s great, you look… great.” The human glances down and stops talking, his mouth hanging open for a moment before he startles like someone stepped on him and Nandor hears his heart start beating faster and louder.
“Oh– Sorry! I’m just going on, aren’t I? That is embarrassing, um, did you need food or something?” he turns and gestures towards the counter nearby, “I’m just about to close up, actually, but I might have some leftover bagels or something?”
“Oh, no, I am not hungry. I just needed to use your facilities,” Nandor says, twitching the fall of his cape so that his blood-soaked hands stay behind the hem.
“Paying customers only,” the human says, tilting his head to the side in a gesture that makes his curls flop over his forehead in an appealing sort of way, “Sorry, store policy.”
“Oh,” Nandor says, disappointed, “I guess I will try the gas station down the street.” He turns with a swish of his cape.
“Wait,” the human calls out to him, and Nandor looks back. He’s biting his lip and giving Nandor an uncertain smile, “Maybe–I’ll bend the rules. Just this once. For such a cool vampire.” The human is giving him a small, warm kind of look and Nandor is momentarily speechless. He’s touched, he realizes, by the kindness of this strange little human with the supple tan skin and the delicate curls.
“You think vampires are cool?” he asks carefully, and the human’s little smile turns into a big grin.
“Of course! Doesn’t everyone?”
“I think most people think they are scary,” Nandor points out, remembering the woman he had drained just minutes ago and her screams. She had definitely thought he was scary. The human considers this.
“I guess the old, like, Nosferatu kind of stuff was pretty scary. And Dracula , of course, that’s terrifying, but I grew up with–like– Interview with the Vampire , you know? Antonio Banderas–so cool and sexy. That’s what I think of when I think vampire .” The human seems to get lost in his musings for a long moment, then shakes himself, looking shame-faced, “Oh, you needed the bathroom and I’m talking about Antonio Banderas. Sorry, it’s, um, through there.”
He points Nandor towards the bathroom and Nandor wants to keep hearing about how cool he is but he supposes he should do something about all the blood on his person before this human notices or he starts dripping on the floor. He goes to the bathroom and washes his hands, arms, and chest, and scrubs his face for good measure. When he reappears in the restaurant proper the human has returned his attention to his broom and has amassed a small pile of dirt. He glances up and smiles.
“Oh, you washed off all the makeup,” he says, gesturing to his own face, and Nandor stares at him blankly, “I guess all that fake blood stuff gets pretty itchy after a while, huh? Well you still look pretty cool.”
“Thank you,” Nandor says after a long silence, “And thank you for breaking the rules to allow me to use your bathroom without purchasing any carbohydrates.”
“No problem, really! Actually, um, you could do me a kind of–favor,” he says, his heart beating rapidly again, “If you’re so inclined.”
“What favor?” Nandor asks, skeptical, and the human waves his hands in front of himself.
“Nothing weird! And, um, I promise I won’t be upset if you just throw it out but–can I give you my number?”
“Your number?”
“Yeah, um, my cell number? I was thinking… Well, you seem like you know your stuff and I thought maybe you’d be interested in LARPing or, or maybe DnD? I know some good groups in the area so I could– hook you up. If you’re interested.”
The human is talking very fast about things that Nandor does not understand. But numbers, phone numbers, those he knows. This little human is offering communication. And Nandor is in need of a new familiar. And he thinks vampires are cool.
Somewhere in the back of Nandor’s mind a little flag goes up, a warning. He would be a bad familiar because you already like him too much.
“I will take your numbers,” Nandor says, metaphorically squashing the little flag under his boot. He may have written the rules, but you only really need to follow most of them. The important ones. Not that one.
“Wow, seriously?” the human says, his eyes going wide before he lunges for the counter, pulling a pen from his apron pocket and groping around until he finds a flier advertising a local book club and flips it over to write on the back, “That’s–wow. Um, no pressure, of course! Just if you ever want to hang out, talk about vampires, just hit me up, okay?” The human holds out the paper, grinning sunnily, and Nandor takes it gingerly, frowning at the scrawl there.
“What is your name, human?”
“Guillermo, like this, Gui–ller–mo,” he says, leaning forward to point to each section of the name as he pronounces it.
“Guillermo,” Nandor says haltingly, earning another grin and a nod for his efforts, and he preens a little, “My name is Nandor.” He supposes the Relentless part can wait until the little human–Guillermo–knows he is actually a vampire and not a man in a costume.
“Nandor, cool,” he repeats with a nod, “Great. Really cool to meet you.”