Work Text:
Quite unexpectedly, Kunikida Doppo was faced with grave peril.
Yesterday, after his eight hours of a work day, which was mostly spent yelling at his useless co-workers and checking things off his schedule, he was asked to stay back for a little meeting by the President.
Needless to say, that had disrupted his schedule a little bit. But nothing that cannot be adjusted; it was the President's request, after all. And that man was reliable and diligent by all means; he would never dream of disrupting anybody's schedule for something unimportant.
Sure enough, when Kunikida sat down for the meeting in Fukuzawa-san's office, he was presented with a very important task. That of making budget cuts. According to the President, in the last year or so, the Agency had suddenly hired quite a lot of members.
Since these members were hard-working and honest to their best ability, they absolutely needed to be paid. So, cutting costs to the company cannot be in the form of deducting salary or anything like that. But still, current expenditure was definitely exceeding the fixed budget. Hence, Kunikida was requested to come up with a solution.
Of course, that was easier said than done. Kunikida definitely had to spend several hours on making such changes, and planning all of this, didn't he? Moreover, if he was to cut costs by reducing the semi-personal expenses of his co-workers, wouldn't that be terribly inconvenient to explain to them?
Despite all the hurdles, he managed to make some changes in the official financial planner, and by the end of his four-hour session of putting his math skills to good use, he finally came up with a satisfactory solution. One that he believed would not raise too many issues with his co-workers.
Now the only thing that was left to do was to get the new plan approved by the President, and then break the news to the rest of the employees. The former was quite easily done. His new financial plan had been great, after all. It was just the second part of his impending duties that seemed to be really, frustrating, for the lack of a better word.
So today morning, before getting started with his many duties for the day, Kunikida decided that it would be best if he conducted the budget meeting with his co-workers first and foremost. Given the nature of his said co-workers, the whole matter of discussing the budget cut was, of course, very casual.
Everyone had at least gathered around Kunikida's desk with their own chairs, when the idealist broke the news for all of them, "Listen up, everyone. So yesterday, Shachou asked me to make some adjustments to the Agency's budget planning."
It was the adults who got the hint first. Yosano stared at him pointedly, baring her metaphorical fangs, "You don't mean to say you're cutting our salary, are you?"
Next to her, Ranpo huffed, "That better not be it. We're making do by the bare minimum wages as it is."
Very nervously, Atsushi offered his opinion, "Um, Kunikida-san. Buying tofu is expensive, so... But if you think that's the best thing for the Agency then-"
(Naturally, this attracted an unimpressed stare from Kyouka.)
Kunikida cut him off, "Your salaries are not being reduced! Listen to me, will you? After looking at the history of our expenses, I have come to the conclusion that the best way to cut costs is by adjusting our housing situation."
It was at this moment that Dazai woke up from his nap. He walked over from his designated couch, yawning, "Hm? What's going on?"
Clearly, Kunikida had decided that he needed to spare his energy today, because he did not yell at his very lazy co-worker. Instead, he just grimaced before explaining, "Budget meting. I was just about to explain the new advised housing plan."
Fortunately for him, Dazai said nothing; instead choosing to quietly sit down for the meeting. How very kind of him, really.
Yosano cleared her throat in order to gain attention, "Right, so the new housing system? What's that about?"
Kunikida pulled out his notebook at once, "Right, then. After comparing expenses of all of us, I noticed that Atsushi-kun and Kyouka spend the least in their rooming together situation."
Dazai's whisper went completely ignored by the idealist, but it definitely got a few snickers from the resident doctor; "That's because they just don't get paid enough."
Kunikida continued, "In short, I think it would be ideal if all of us paired up and started living as two people in a room. Being roommates, I believe the term is. Naomi and Tanizaki already live together, and their expenses are quite low too."
Yosano stared at him for a few seconds, before raising her voice, "Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. What the hell? I can't suddenly start living with somebody else. I need my privacy."
The idealist had obviously expected this, because he came up with an answer right away, "I took that into consideration as well. I was thinking you could maybe live with Haruno-san. She isn't at home much, anyway."
The doctor still looked understandably reluctant, noticing which, Ranpo piped in, "Plus, she has a cat. You'll get to babysit the cat, Yosano-san."
A few seconds later, Yosano huffed, "I'll think about it then. Anyway, who does Ranpo have to stay with? It's unfair if it's just me, no?"
Kunikida spoke thoughtfully, "We shouldn't impose on the President. And other than him, there's four of us left. Ranpo-san, Kenji and this idiot, Dazai. And me, of course. So, we could pair up and-"
Dazai interrupted him with a lazy yell, "Pass!"
As expected, that riled him up all too quickly. Kunikida glared, "What do you mean 'pass', you idiot! Can't you see everyone is trying their best to adjust?!"
Dazai sighed, before explaining, "I don't stay at my room in the dormitory much anyway. I can just move out."
Atsushi asked curiously, "Eh, Dazai-san, you live somewhere else?"
His mentor smiled secretively, "Ah, but of course! I've never properly lived at the dormitory anyway. I already have a house, you see?"
Yosano grumbled next to him, "Hey, asshole. Why do you get complete privacy, while i have to have a roommate?"
Dazai raised two of his fingers, "One, can't you just keep your room if I move out? Expenses will go down if a member moves out, don't you think?"
Kunikida was quick to make some necessary calculations in his notebook before looking up, "Actually, yes. That helps quite a lot. Considering the electricity bill, and the water bill. Plus the cleaning services. It will all go down! And then none of us might have to let go of our own places."
Dazai just beamed saintly, "There, there. Isn't that perfect~"
Staring at his raised index finger, Yosano questioned, "What's two?"
Dazai brightened immediately, "Ah yes! And two, I already have a roommate as well. So it's not like I live alone and have complete privacy."
Tanizaki wondered aloud, "So you already live with someone else, Dazai-san?"
Yosano narrowed her eyes, unimpressed, "I have never heard of this before. What the hell?"
The genius detective just waved his hands, "Eh, isn't it fine? I'm telling you now! I do live with someone else, and I've lived with them for a really long time now."
Kenji asked with interest, "What kind of person are they, Dazai-san?"
The response came with an unbearably fond smile, "The cutest, of course! He's just a tiny chibi, and yet he's super helpful! He does all the cleaning around the house, and he also makes me the wonderfulest meals."
Kunikida murmured, "That is not a word."
Needless to say, that went ignored as Dazai continued speaking, "And he has a little bit of anger issues, because he's always throwing knives at me-"
Well, it was to safe to say everyone's eyes all but bugged out at that. Atsushi asked, clearly concerned, "Um, are you sure it's safe to live with that person, Dazai-san?"
Dazai merely smiled some more, "Ah, don't worry! He would never hurt me on purpose. After all, when he's drunk, he does say that I'm the best roommate ever!"
Yosano smirked at him, "Well, you seem to be quite fond of your roommate."
Dazai just nodded, "Because he's the cutest, of course."
It was around this point of time, that everyone's attention turned to the door to their office. Right there stood a certain Port Mafia executive, his hat perched atop his head perfectly, and his coat flowing behind him. One of his hands held on to a manila folder, while the other gently knocked on the doorframe.
Making sure that everyone had noticed him, Nakahara Chuuya walked over to the desks around which everyone was gathered. He nodded at the renowned idealist, "I'm here to collect the report about that joint mission about two weeks ago?"
Kunikida set off looking for the required document at once, "Ah yes. It's right here, wait a minute please, Nakahara-san."
Chuuya shrugged, "Yeah, yeah. Take your time."
He then turned to face his former rival, and his eyes narrowed of their own accord, "I sense something suspicious happening. Oi, Yosano-san. What's going on here?"
As expected, Dazai whined very loudly, "Chuuya! How rude! How could you talk to Yosano-san and Kunikida-kun before you talked to me?"
The mafioso scoffed, "Who the fuck would want to talk to you, asshole."
As Dazai continued with his whining, the doctor snickered as she answered what was asked of her, "Nothing, really. Dazai was just telling us about his roommate."
Chuuya stilled, eyes widening a little, "Roommate?"
Atsushi took it upon himself to elaborate, "Ah yes, Chuuya-san! Dazai-san just told us that he's been living with someone else for a very long time. Did you know about this?"
Yosano added slyly, "He also says that he's very fond of his roommate."
For a few seconds, the infamous mafia executive said nothing. Then, he let out an exaggerated groan before turning to his rival, "For the last time, shitty Dazai. We are not roommates. We are fucking married, you dickhead."
Dazai huffed, "Roommate, husband. Isn't it the same thing?"
Chuuya scoffed, "No it's not!"
His partner challenged him, "How so?"
The mafioso pouted, "Roommates share a room. They do not live together. We live together, you bastard!"
Dazai's lips parted, as if he was just realising this, "Oh! That actually does make sense. Thank you for explaining, my beloved."
Rolling his eyes, Chuuya snorted, "You're welcome, honey."
Well, as expected, everyone else in that room was staring at them by now, having watched them be in their own world for three and half minutes too long.
Yosano asked the most obvious question, "So, you don't have a roommate then?"
Dazai huffed, "I do too!"
The doctor glared at him, "It's not your roommate if it's your husband, idiot."
Chuuya grinned, "Right?! Thank you, Yosano-san!"
She just brushed that off, "Of course. I've got your back, of course."
Dazai complained, "Aren't you supposed to be on my side? Are you forgetting the hatrack was your enemy like three months ago?"
Yosano rolled her eyes, "I don't take sides with people who sprout bullshit. Also three months ago was like, forever ago. It doesn't count."
Clearly the only one who was even a little normal in this very interesting group, Atsushi spoke up, "Are we not going to question the fact that Dazai-san has been married this whole time?"
Kunikida nodded, "You're right! This is most definitely not mentioned in his employee records! Oi Dazai, you need to update your records immediately."
Dazai whined some more, "Why do I have to! Make Chuuya do it!"
Tanizaki blinked at the chaos surrounding him, "Is anyone going to question the fact that Dazai-san is married to a Port Mafia executive?"
Kenji exclaimed in excitement, "I can't believe Dazai-san is married to Mr. Gravity Man! That's so cool!"
Dazai beamed, "Even if he's just a chibi, I do have a very cool husband, yes!"
Chuuya snorted again, "And I have a useless, shitty beanpole of a fucking husband."
His partner faked a hurt gasp, wrapping his arms around the other, "That's so mean, Chuuya. This is no way to treat your old partner."
The mafioso ignored him all too effectively, choosing to turn to Kunikida instead, "Can I have the papers now? I need to get back to work."
The idealist handed him the mentioned documents immediately, "Here you go. Have a nice day at work."
Right before he started walking away to the door, Chuuya offered everyone a wave of his hand, "Thanks. See you guys some other time."
As expected, Dazai was having none of that. As his partner left him so rudely, he just hollered behind him, "You are so rude, Chuuya! Hatrack!"
For the first few seconds, nothing happened. Then, the gravity manipulator floated back to the door, only to part again with a sentence offered with a fond smile, "I'll make you ramen for dinner, shitty Dazai. See you at home."
Once he'd left for real, Dazai turned to his co-workers with a ridiculously sparkly smile, "Didn't I tell you guys that I do, in fact, have the cutest roommate?"
Clearly over this disgusting behaviour already, Yosano just sighed in agony, "Gross. That's gross, Dazai. Get out of here."
And well, when did Dazai ever turn down the wonderful opportunity of skipping out on work? After all, he'd much rather break into Chuuya's office, and take over his very fluffy couch.
Now, that, was a day well spent.