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A pearl. That's what she thought she had found. She was sixteen, naïve, and her parents had always taught her to look for pretty shells.
That's what she had thought Ted was at first, a pretty shell with a pretty pearl. After all, he had everything she was looking for: nice looks, a stable future, a wealthy family.
It was like her story had already been written, she never had even considered that she had a word in this. Of course she had married him, it's not like there had been a choice to be made. No, she was Karen Wheeler, her only job was to strive for perfection, nothing more nothing less.
(Not that anything else would have ever been accepted, and especially not by her parents.)
In spite of what her parents thought though, it turned out that Ted was just an empty shell.
Just like her marriage: empty .
Yeah, empty was the right choice of word.
And don't get her wrong, years of marriage had driven her to grow some kind of affection toward Ted, but it was not love. It never had been. And the more the years had passed, the more he had turned into some sort of fourth child. He didn't do much, just slept and went to work. A child who had a job.
Sometimes she even wondered why she had married him in the first place: they didn't share an opinion on anything. And it was mostly his fault if she had lost basically every connection that she used to have with Joyce. But then she remembered that she never had chosen to marry him. No, there hadn't been a choice to begin with.
At least she had her children, she cared so much about them.
Maybe projecting onto her kids wasn't the best coping mechanism, and probably not even the healthiest, but Karen had just one wish: that they wouldn't have ended up like her, stuck in a boring loveless marriage.
Fortunately, she didn't have to worry too much about Nancy, she had always been such a strong and independent woman. God, she wondered where those qualities had come from. And luckily Holly was still young, she had all the time to figure out what she wanted for her life.
With Mike though, it was another story.
First of all, he was the most complicated to talk to. She had never been good at communicating and he wasn't either. When he was young things were way easier, but now he was a teenager. It broke her heart to say she knew barely anything about her son's life.
That if you don't consider the letter incident.
It had happened once, she was cleaning his room and had accidentally stumbled upon some letters for Will that her son had never sent. Of course she would have never, ever, in her life brought up that accident. It was Mike's business, not hers. But reading those letters had made her feel even worse: her son was heartbroken and she couldn't do anything to help, she could just watch from afar.
It was heart-wrenching, really.
The tv buzzed in a static noise, she didn't bother to turn it off, too lost in her train of thought. Saturday nights were just like that, almost another dimension. She was alone with herself and had time to reflect, her only company being a glass of red wine and sometimes the voices that came from the TV. Most people would have found it depressing, but sometimes Karen's life would just be like that.
The static noise of a TV.
Footsteps approaching?
It was one AM, for God's sake, who could it be? Nancy was out and Ted was - well - Ted. She truly hoped it wasn't Holly, she was too tired to think about coming up with another story just to make her fall asleep like the last time.
To her surprise though, it was none of them. It was Mike. Weird. He was usually a heavy sleeper.
"What are you doing up at this time of the night?" her tone sounded a little too accusatory for what she had intended it to be.
"Jeez mom, I just came for a glass of water. Couldn't sleep."
She nodded as he poured himself some water, silence settled between them. Then he spoke again:
"What are you doing up at this time of the night?"
"A woman is allowed to have her secrets."
"Ok then. I just thought since dad was asleep you would have been too…" Mike shrugged.
"I mean, is there really a time of the day that he isn't sleeping?" her laugh was dry.
"Yeah, you're right".
And then there was silence again. Wow, she wondered when they had become so distant, everything was turning dull and empty, just like her marriage. And maybe her relationship with her parents too, to be fair.
She really wanted to come up with something to say, she didn't care if they had grown distant. Karen was the adult there, if it was somebody's job to fix her relationship with Mike it was definitely hers. But God, was it hard.
Fortunately, he decided it was not her time to speak.
"I guess it's just the way dad is… I mean, distant " that part hurt her, she wondered if he thought that of her too, but he kept going "has he always been like this?".
Karen laughed a little, glad that her son was giving her an opportunity "Yeah, always…"
"Even before you got married?"
"I mean, there wasn't much time between when we met and when we got married…"
"Oh".
" Oh indeed".
"Mom, can I ask you a question?" his tone was hesitant, like he was handling something fragile.
"Go on"
"Why did you marry him?"
Ouch. That one did hurt. He had perfectly hit the nail. She hesitated.
"No, God, I'm sorry - I didn't mean to-"
"No it's ok Mike, you're right. It's just, your grandparents always expected the best from me, you know? And your dad had everything they wanted. I guess I had to sacrifice a little of my happiness in order to make other people happy." but then she quickly added:
"It's not like I'm not happy though, I'm so glad that I have you guys" she squeezed his shoulder.
"Ew, sappy" said Mike jokingly.
And then she thought of her children, how she would've given up anything just to not have them end up like her.
And maybe it was dumb to think that a promise said at 1 in the morning would have meant something so big like the happiness of her children, but she said it nonetheless:
"Mike? Can you promise me something?"
He quickly turned his head around: "What?".
"Promise me that, no matter what happens, you will always respect your feelings and chase your happiness. Never give it up for what people expect you to do, please."
Mike started picking at his fingers, his tone distant "Yeah, ok mom".
"Promise?"
"Promise."
"Mom?" he said again after a pause.
"What's up with all these questions tonight?" she responded playfully.
"I mean, it's not like we have much time to talk usually…" and though he was half joking, she wrapped him in a tight hug.
"God I'm so sorry, I should have been there more. I'm barely present, you don't deserve this…"
"No, no it's ok mom, really" he stopped her "it's not like I'm that good at reaching out to people either-"
"-and it probably wouldn't have been that way if I had been there for you guys more" she interrupted.
"Mom, you're trying your best and - I mean - we don't have the time to talk that much usually but I get you're trying, don't worry"
"It's just - it shouldn't be that way, I am supposed to be the adult here, I should be the one to make an effort to reach out, not the other way round"
"Mom, I'm serious. It's ok, don't worry, you're doing everything you can, that's what matters…"
"Ok, ok I won't push it. Just know that I'm there for you if you need to. What was that again that you wanted to ask?"
He hesitated, his finger starting to bleed: "No, huh I mean - it's just - it's dumb - like you don't have to answer or anything -"
"Mike, it's ok"
"It's just - what's being in love like?".
And oh, she should have guessed he would have asked something like that. The problem was, she didn't know how to answer, she had never been in love and had no idea about what to say.
"Well," started Karen clumsily, "I guess it's what you feel with someone special. You know, somebody with whom you can just be you , without it feeling forced. Somebody you just can't get out of your head, who makes you feel special. Somebody who gives you a reason to wake up in the morning.".
Mike looked pale, like he was about to throw up. She was starting to get anxious too, she hated seeing her kid like that.
"Oh, ok. Cool".
And then there was silence again. Hell, she wanted to scream. She was once again powerless, it hurt so much.
Mrs Wheeler had never been able to make a move on her own, make some kind of decision, take action, anything really. It had always been other people, the ones that gave her directions on how her life was supposed to be, and she was so goddamn tired of that.
So she did the only thing that came to her mind, just to prove herself that she was actually capable of being alive, and went in for a hug. Her son needed her and she would have been there for him, she would have broken the chain that had been dragging her entire family down.
Her shoulder was getting damp but it didn't bother her in the slightest way, she would have stayed like that forever if it meant that it could somehow make Mike feel better.
"Shh, it's okay".
His breathing was shaky and his body was trembling. She gave him a few pats on his back, his shoulders rising and falling back down again. It took a few minutes for her son to calm down but she waited patiently.
Then, when he calmed down, he laughed:
"Well, that was awkward."
"Come on" she lightly shoved him "it's not like we always get to have this type of moments".
"Yeah you're right" he shrugged.
Once again, silence fell between them. This time she was more confident though:
"Did this have anything to do with why you were awake that late at night?"
"I guess you could say so…"
"Hey, I know I'm your mom and everything but you do know that I'm here for you if you want to talk about it, right? Besides, venting to somebody could make you feel better…"
"Yeah it's just - when did opening up become that difficult?"
"I mean, has it ever been easy for you?"
"Ok, fair point." his laugh sounded lighter this time.
"So," she tried again, "do you want to talk about it?"
"I guess at some point I will have to"
"No, no, you don't have to tell me anything, just if you're comfortable with it".
To her surprise, he insisted:
"I know but, I mean, I want to. And then again, you said it would make me feel better. I'm tired of keeping everything in"
Karen faked shock "Oh my God, since when are you doing what I suggest you do?".
"Just leave it alone mom" he chuckled, then he became serious.
"So, well, I have a girlfriend, and I do love her, a lot, but - I don't know, maybe there's something wrong with me because I'm just not in love with her… and I feel like a piece of shit - sorry - because she clearly does, and she always tells me that she loves me, while I don't feel anything like that." he started shaking again, she put an arm around his shoulders.
"Hey, there's nothing wrong with you, you just don't love her. It's not like we can choose who we love. Besides, if we could, it would be so, so boring, don't you think?".
And although that was meant to make him feel better, she saw his gaze drop. So she quickly added:
"Like I said before, you have to do what makes you happy, not other people, it's your life and I have just one wish for it, and it's that you're happy"
"Thanks mom," he raised his head "I actually am starting to feel a little better now, do you mind if I go on?"
"Honey, I obviously don't, I care about you."
"Ew, don't call me honey ever again please" Mike bursted into laughter.
"Ok, honey" she shoved him again. Then her tone became more serious again "go on".
He took a deep breath and started again: "Well, I have this friend " -God, she saw how saying that word made his stomach flip - "and, you know, we've always been close… but then this girlfriend came and I kinda started ignoring them for that girl and now we barely talk and I miss them so much but - fuck - I think I feel for them what I thought I was supposed to feel for my girlfriend."
"Mike," she squeezed his arm "you're not supposed to feel anything, feelings shouldn't be forced".
He rubbed his eyes "I know but- I just feel wrong"
"Why would you feel wrong? You can't control your feelings-"
"-mom I'm gay."
She immediately hugged him tight, as if he could have escaped. Hell, her son was so brave. She could never have done something like that if she had been in his place.
She broke from the hug to look him in the eyes:
"Mike," she started, both their eyes watery, "I am so glad that you were brave enough to tell me, just know that I am so proud of you. You are strong, smart - and maybe a little sassy and hot headed, but you're so determined and independent, I could never ask for a better son. And you know that I just want you to be happy. I know some people out there will try to make you feel like shit for this but, trust me, there's nothing, nothing wrong with you. And honestly? Fuck them if they try to make you feel wrong-" Mike laughed
"Since when do you curse?"
"I told you, a woman is allowed to have her secrets"
"Yeah," he exhaled "guess this will be one of your secrets too"
"Don't worry, I won't tell a soul"
"Thanks, mom".
This time the silence was comfortable. Talking to her son had turned out to be surprisingly easy:
"So," she nudged his shoulder, "what's he like?"
"Oh my God mom, I won't tell you" he cringed.
"Why? Do I know him?" Mike just groaned "Oh my God, I do know him"
"Mom!"
"Whatever, whatever, goodnight sweetheart".
She heard his footsteps climbing up the stairs, but then they suddenly stopped:
"Mom?"
"Yeah?"
"Thank you."
"No problem, honey ".
Maybe Saturday nights weren't that bad after all.