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“Jackson, I can try to do that but then, you’re not allowed to blame yourself for a second,” because that’s what really worries Stiles since he found out and memories of Ilya’s birth aftermath suddenly came back. “This goes both ways.”
Jackson snorts. “I can’t fucking tell you how I’m gonna feel when I’m not really sure how I feel right now.”
“And that’s fine. That’s fine, I’m here for you and for me right now, what’s important is that the surgery went well and you’re okay. And also, to be honest, I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing right now… but I’m gonna risk it and say that in my experience, everything happens for a reason, and—”
“Oh god, here it comes, your destiny bullshit again.” Jackson sighs.
Stiles opens his arms with disbelief. “Why is it only bullshit when I say it and not when you say it?” Stiles frowns.
Jackson snorts. “I guess… because it’s fun to contradict you sometimes. I like this cute frustrated expression that you make.”
Stiles shakes his head. “I don’t make a cute expression… but that’s not the point. The point is that you say it but you don’t mean it. So, you do agree.”
“Umm... yeah... That’s an interesting theory, detective Stinlinski.”
“Yeah," Stiles nods, "a theory that’s been confirmed and proved on multiple occasions, and therefore, it’s no longer a theory—Just a reality.”
Jackson raises his eyebrows expectantly. “Just get to the point, will you?”
“The point couldn’t be more simple... and evident. When I lost my memories I thought the accident had ruined my life—You know that as well as I do. I remember those first weeks with you sleeping on the sofa. I remember hating my life… feeling sorry for myself. I remember asking myself every day why that had to happen to me. I was fucking angry and lost, and I didn’t want to listen to my father and even less to you or Derek. And then, of course, to make things even worse, there was a kid, who later turned out to be a wolf, who I couldn't recognize. But then, eventually, things changed after your coma and here we are.”
“I know how you feel about it”, Jackson says, just in case it is necessary somehow.
“Well, I think you do but it’s been a long time since then and we never talk about it, but it doesn’t mean that I never think about it because obviously, I do. It hurts that I don’t remember when Daniel was born or the day we got married… there are many days I’d like to remember but I know there’s nothing I can do about it, so I focus on everything I do remember which is full of amazing days like the day I arrested Kyle,” Stiles snorts. “And that would never have happened if my accident had not happened… so," Stiles shrugs, "I guess the point is that now I believe that everything happens for a reason. So, I don’t want you to feel guilty about something that wasn’t meant to be.”
“Stiles—”
“Don’t Stiles me, okay? Not this time. I’ll give you your space but I don’t want a repeat of what happened.” Just the idea of going through that again terrifies Stiles more than he can say.
“You don’t have to worry.” Jackson shakes his head. He gets perfectly well how Stiles is feeling right now and it feels like the fear is coming to him in waves again... it's very unsettling feeling and Jackson hates it whenever that happens.
“I get everything you said," Jackson continues, "and also, I’m older now... unfortunately.” Things don’t affect him the same way anymore. “And our family is exactly as we wanted, so I can’t tell you how I’ll feel tomorrow but it doesn't mean that what happened is gonna change anything of what I’ve just told you.”
“Seriously?” Stiles frowns. He wants to believe Jackson but it's hard to trust him when he agrees so easily.
“Yeah, I’m gonna be fine. And if I wasn’t, you’d feel it anyway. Besides, I promised I’d never shut you out again, so please, don’t worry. Now, please, could you bring me some water and my phone?”
“Your phone?” Stiles raises his eyebrows.
“Yeah, if I don’t tell my mother, we won’t hear the end of it if she finds out… And you know that she always ends up finding out.” They are things they still have to talk about and this is one of them. Jackson is not sure if he wants the pack to know. He needs to think about it.
“Right,” Stiles’ hand leaves Jackson’s on the bed, “Okay, wait a moment, I’ll see if I find it.” Probably Kane brought it or maybe it’s with Jackson’s clothes outside.
“Thanks,” Jackson says as his husband leaves the room.