Chapter Text
Cartmanbrah has invited .marsh., Coolkidkyle, and 3 others to the chat
Coolkidkyle: i swear cartman if you make one more groupchat with the same people im breaking into your crumbling house to steal your paw patrol themed pillowcase and bringing it to class for everyone to see
Cartmanbrah: shut up lil jewzie vert i made this groupchat for a very important reason
KennyFucksChicks: LIL JEWZOE VERR LMAO
.marsh.: That being?
Cartmanbrah: you guys need to ask for an extension on the project for me
stotchtape: the one he said we were supposed to be prepared for because we’re getting quizzed on it?
.marsh.: no way dude ask Mr garrison for that yourself
Cartmanbrah: cmon guys remember all the things i did for you
Coolkidkyle: you mean the time you disposed of all the hair shampoo in my household and replaced it with ball deodorant? and refused to tell me about it till I found out 3 months later?
Cartmanbrah: the past is in the past do this one thing for me I'll stop putting it in your shampoo
.marsh.: that makes it the present
Coolkidkyle: YOURE STILL DOING IT???
stotchtape: I'd ask in your place, cartman, but that was meant to be turned in last week
Cartmanbrah: butters. do something. PLEASE.
stotchtape: If I beg too much he might yell at me for not doing my work even though i already did it and mindlessly give me a detention despite not checking the google classroom. I cant afford any more detentions
KennyFucksChicks: you already have detention? The hell did you do?
stotchtape: my parents grounded me and refused I go to school so after I was ungrounded I snuck into the office to change my absences to present but they found out somehow
.marsh.: couldnt they just check the cameras
stotchtape: I was able to avoid them still dunno how they found out
KennyFucksChicks: our little butters is learning how to be a hashtag rebel they grow up so fast #proud #asinglemomwhoworkstwojobs
stotchtape: aw shucks
Cartmanbrah: that's cool and all but IM GONNA FAIL and when I do I'm sending you all to Yugoslavia with no lead on what to do maybe then youd regret not helping me
KennyFucksChicks: well maybe you should've done your work instead of watching terrance and phillip
Cartmanbrah: Stop acting like a straight A student kinny even if you did get all A's youre not straight. I'm surprised you could afford a writing utensil, poor boy
KennyFucksChicks: MY SEXUALITY ISNT FOR YOU TO DECIDE
KennyFucksChicks: AND MY FINANCIAL STATE IS STABLE NOW FUCK YOU
Cartmanbrah: last time I checked you were eating bread with water
KennyFucksChicks: NO
.marsh.: who eats that combination these days do you live in the 1870s or something
Cartmanbrah: see even stan agrees, get normal food you poor Victorian child
KennyFucksChicks: STOP
Cartmanbrah: SOMEONE DO SOMETHING I CANT FAIL
stotchtape: I'm glad you're starting to care about your grade but this isnt the way
.marsh.: wait wtf is that
Cartmanbrah: Oh blessed day I would first like to thank god for answering my prayers, and for being the only one listening to me. screw you guys, I'm going home.
Today, 9:34am
Guineakid: CLYDE YOU DUMBASS YOU WERENT SUPPOSED TO ACTUALLY DO IT
CockJock: YOU TRIPLE DOG DARED WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO? NOT PULL THE FIRE ALARM? I'M NOT A PUSSY
CockJock: WHEN I SAID ID DO ANYTHING TO GET OUT OF THIS CLASS I MEANT IT
Toeken: dude if I take one step out of the classroom I'm going to be flung across the hallway and crushed into the wall by the flock of sophomores and freshmen
Tweed: AH I just saw some kid get TRAMPLED over by the stampede WHAT IF THAT HAPPENS TO ONE OF US
Jimmyay: I-I t-t-think that was m-Mr Mackey
Guineakid: did you seriously text stutter
Jimmyay: I'll stop now
CockJock: At least I don't need to present anymore
Tweed: THE PRESSURE WHAT IF WE GET YELLED AT FOR NOT DOING IT LIKE PRACTICE
Toeken: it's okay the detention room cant fit the whole school
Guineakid: dunno bout you guys but I'm leaving this class
Jimmyay: I've been out
Tweed: Um..do you guys hear that
Guineakid: you mean the sounds of people ripping their vocal cords and screams of their last moments? I hear it perfectly
Tweed: No I mean it sounds like very heavy footsteps
CockJock: well that's a given considering theres a field of students scrambling for the exit
Toeken: look up, the lights on the ceiling are shaking
Guineakid: wow all their fatasses are about to compress the school 5 feet farther into the ground. Say bye to our foundation
Jimmyay: HRLP MW
Guineakid: SHIT THEY GOT JIMMY
CockJock: RUN THERES NOTHING WE CAN DO NOW
Toeken: I FORGOT ABOUT THE SENIORS UPSTAIRS
Tweed: GUYS HE SAID HELP ME NOT SAVE YOURSELVES
CockJock: POOR JIMMY WAS STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE DOOR WHEN IT FLUNG OPEN
Guineakid: THOSE SENIORS BUSTED THE DOOR DOWN ITS SO MUCH MORE CRAMPED IN HERE NOW
Jimmyay: Go pn… witjour mr….
Tweed: oh no
CockJock: he will forever be in our hearts
Toeken: WHO IS THAT SCALING THE WALL
Guineakid: If I dont make it home to stripe tonight, I'm cursing Clyde's name from hell
Toeken: WHO WAS IT. WHO OPENED THAT DOOR. WHO TOOK JIMMYS LIFE.
CockJock: I got the first row seats to that disgusting sight, it was those prestigious rich assholes.
Toeken: fuck those seniors who think theyre better than us
Toeken: when i get the chance to lay my hands on them i will make sure they are scared to set foot on the school grounds next time they get anywhere near this vicinity
CockJock: guys theres an M20 in my bedroom on the 3rd shelf near the entrance of the door. If token is ever looking for me with ill intent i want you to shoot me 3 times on both legs then in the heart
Today, 9:35am
Headwickerknicker: Oh goodness, is this not a drill?
Estella: If everyone is panicking then so am I, see you guys downstairs
Estella: nevermind this hallway is crammed with rotten personified sea urchins you people call humans
Gregory: I'm taking initiative here and guiding everyone down safely
Mole: right behind you
SonOfSatan: Pip follow me you might get hurt out there
Headwickerknicker: thank you Damien
Estella changed 'SonOfSatan's username to 'Gaymien'
Gaymien: I'm sending you to the 9th circle when you die estella
Estella: see you there asshole
Gregory: The door to the main floor isnt budging
Mole: kick ze door down
Gregory: if it has come to it..
Headwickerknicker: I don’t recommend it, theres a chance the kids below us are bloc
Headwickerknicker: oh dear
Estella: Great job rusty ass smelling shedded snake skin you just sent some junior head first into the ground
Headwickerknicker: Will he be okay?
Mole: He'll survive
Gaymien: Losses will only slow you down, keep moving
Headwickerknicker: there's a lot of people, i can barely recognize our surroundings amidst the crowd
Estella: fighting the urge to yell curses so they all shut the fuck up
Gregory: Please for the love of god do not
Today 9:48am
.marsh.: I lost you all in the swarming mob of seniors sophomores and juniors, the only thing I can recognize is cartman's colossal ass
Coolkidkyle: is there a vortex or what I just see a bunch of kids falling down one after the other
stotchtape: this place is more cramped than Kohls on black Friday
.marsh.: I remember my mom would drag me there every time
KennyFucksChicks: AHHH HOLY SHIT CARTMAN
Coolkidkyle: IS HE BULLDOZING EVERYONE?? CARTMAN STOP
KennyFucksChicks: FOE FUCLS SAKR
.marsh.: OH MY GOD? HE KILLED KENNY
Coolkidkyle: YOU BASTARD
stotchtape: you guys are forgetting theres a fire somewhere out in this school
Cartmanbrah: I NEED TO GO HOME ALIVE TODAY THERE'S A BAG OF CHEESY POOFS I HAVENT EATEN YET
Coolkidkyle: STOP THINKING WITH YOUR STOMACH FATASS THERES BLOOD ON YOUR HANDS
.marsh.: THE CRIES OF KIDS AND VOLUME OF THEIR SCREAMS JUST WORSENED BY 10 THANKS A LOT FARTMAN
.marsh.: IS THAT CHEF CROWD SWIMMING??
Coolkidkyle: lucky ass made it out in one piece. I'm here fighting for my life and my spot in heaven
Today, 9:49
Headwickerknicker changed 'Headwickerknicker's username to Pip
Mole: our lives are on ze line and you see now as best time to change your username?
Pip: Oh..You're right, sorry.
Pip changed 'Pip's username to 'Headwickerknicker'
Mole: zat doesnt mean change it back godammit
Headwickerknicker changed 'Headwickerknicker's username to Pip
Mole: holy sheet
Gaymien: I wouldnt want my last moments to be recorded with my name as "Headwickerknicker" either
Estella: The one with their username as gaymien is talking?
Gaymien: .
Gaymien has changed ‘Gaymien’s username to Damien
Damien: happy?
Estella: smh
Pip: goodness gracious… the sophomore next to me is crying and calling their mother
Pip: it appears they're saying their goodbyes
Gregory: People give up too fast
Mole: I'm not going down without a fight, we die like men
Gregory: You cant fight a fire
Mole: I know. au diable avec vous tous, viva la resistance
Today, 9:52am
CockJock: OW FUCK SOME ASSHOLE JUST RAN INTO MY ARM
CockJock: WHO THE ACTUAL HELL IS DOING THE NO BUDGE WALK IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS NOW IS NOT THE TIME
Guineakid: you guys realize this is opportunity opening, right? we can do whatever the hell we want with all the chaos erupting
Guineakid: I'm going to the main office and stealing the flower pot
Toeken: never took you as the flower guy type
Guineakid: You flatter me. I'm temporarily taking it so I can carve out the gynoecium and replace it with teeth. Whether it's real or not is for me to know and them to find out
Tweed: Are you okay?
CockJock: in that case I'm taking all the toilets in the guys bathroom
Toeken: dude no not again you know how long it took them to repair those? last time they threatened to put cameras in the bathrooms
CockJock: Relaaxxx man their budget is too low to afford any more cameras
Toeken: That's your concern?
Tweed: Someone just walked into my back for a good 10 seconds and didnt move until I did
Tweed: he smells like cigarettes
CockJock: THAT KID IS STILL GOING?
Guineakid: someone come to the main office right now. Principal victoria just came in and im hiding in the documents closet
CockJock: no way man im on my way to the bathroom
Toeken: I would go but what would i even do once i get there if i could get there
Guineakid: dude do anything to get her out that damn room this closet is so cramped what if she opens it and finds me
Tweed: I’ll come get you AH
Tweed: WHAT IF SHE FINDS OUT IM ACTING NEVERMIND THIS IS TOO MUCH PRESSURE
Guineakid: $20 dollars on the table if you do this for me
Tweed: fine…keep your money tho
Guineakid: oh well if you say so
Tweed: im outside what should i say
CockJock: say some kid is on the ground bleeding which is probably true
Toeken: nah that wont get through to her, say Mr. Mackey is naked outside im sure they hit once or twice
Tweed: and what do i do once she finds out he isnt??
Toeken: dont worry i can take care of that part
Tweed: uh?
Guineakid: you guys just reminded me how grateful i am to be acquainted with you
CockJock: awww thanks
Guineakid: shut up not you
Tweed: okay I'm going in now
Toeken: best of luck
CockJock: was there always a stall door missing here??
Toeken: if our bathroom falls apart one more time I'm literally gonna get my boombox, blast closer by chainsmokers and walk down the neighborhood with my army of shopkins following close behind
CockJock: NO NOT AGAIN PLEASE
Toeken: they're all armed and I am not messing around.
CockJock: tbh closer is literal flaming garbage
Guineakid: HOLY SHIT TWEEK THAT WAS SO GOOD DO YOU TAKE THEATER OR SOMETHING??
Tweed: you really think so? No i dont take theater i have just been holding in those tears for a while
Guineakid: she was out the door in a SECOND
Toeken: so now principal victoria thinks you shed tears to a naked mr mackey?
Tweed: yea…i guess so
CockJock: here I am walking out the bathroom door in a peppy attitude cause i successfully finished trashing the bathroom with no interruptions, just for my wide smile to be replaced with a face of distraught horror. Mackey cheeks was the last thing i wanted to see. ever.
Toeken: sorry about that i just had to toss him in a random classroom
CockJock: is he unconcious???
Toeken: yeah I kinda had to knock him out
Today, 10:01am
.marsh.: just accidentally stepped on kennys corpse feeling good
Coolkidkyle: yknow considering everyone is pushing and shoving rapidly, i still havent gotten a step closer to the exit
Cartmanbrah: SOME KID THAT FELL JUST DROPPED AN MP3 PLAYER
stotchtape: they still sell those?
Cartmanbrah: theyre on i heart radio :skull:
Cartmanbrah: well dont mind if i do
KennyFucksChicks: Im not dead you assholes
.marsh.: OH MY GOD??? KENNYS ALIVE
Coolkidkyle: YOU BASTA wait what
KennyFucksChicks: does anyone have an explanation on why i just saw mr mackey unclothed
.marsh.: excuse me?
stotchtape: guys it was a false alarm, just got an email from principal Victoria saying we should report back to our classes
Cartmanbrah: so some stupid jackass put us through a live simulation of a justin bieber audience concert for fun
Cartmanbrah: Well, I cant complain. At least I grew a little closer to Kyle today
Coolkidkyle: what
Cartmanbrah: now I know what it feels like to be a jew, except its 1941
Coolkidkyle: FUCK YOU FATASS AT LEAST I GOT A GOOD FEEL OF WHAT ITS LIKE BEING FAT, SO LARGE YOU CANT MOVE ANYWHERE WITHOUT STRUGGLING
Cartmanbrah: SHUT UP IM NOT FAT IM BIG BONED
stotchtape: is now really the time to be arguing?
.marsh.: ill say it now since no one else will, Cartman, you're fucked
Cartmanbrah: SHIT I FORGOT ABOUT THE PROJECT
.marsh.: I'm sure the 18 overwhelming casualties and 23 severe injuries dealt on the students by your air ripping substantial ass cheeks is enough for Mr. Garrison to stop checking the projects today considering he might've taken a toll due to the tectonic plates shifting immensely everytime you took a step
Cartmanbrah: oh hell yeah
Cartmanbrah: WAIT A MINUTE MY ASS IS NOT SUBSTANTIAL
Today, 10:02am
Pip: Oh goodie, there was no fire. No one got hurt by it then!
Estella: Are you shitting my dick. My Prada shoes just got beaten to a pulp cause some crab filled unsalted rat hit the fire alarm then proceeded to do nothing about it. They most likely laughed while watching everyone panic for their lives. I swear I will find that kid and when I do they will never see the light of day again.
Gregory: Estella calm down it was one mistake, surely you've been taught forgiveness and patience before?
Damien: Estella? Merciful? Didnt know you had humor in you
Mole: you are telling me i fought in ze name of survival for nothing? Dieu tu es plus une salope que je ne le pensais.
Today, 10:05am
CockJock: i just felt really unsafe all of a sudden for some reason
Guineakid: deserved
CockJock: are one of you praying on my downfall
Tweed: I hope not.. Also clyde you’re next to present you should prepare
CockJock: PH MY GOF