Chapter Text
Kanan had always had his own cabin on the Ghost. After his relationship with Hera became something more than just captain and crew he even continued to use it a few times, but it didn’t last long. What started out as just an occasional treat soon became a regular occurrence as Kanan followed Hera to her bunk night after night after night.
If there had been anyone around to ask why, Kanan would have given one of his characteristic roguish smirks and waggled his eyebrows meaningfully, but that implication was not the real reason. The truth was that it was simply so much better to fall asleep in a tangle of limbs and lekku, listening to the sound of Hera’s breathing as he followed her into unconscious oblivion. He loved the comfort he could give her when she was in his arms, and how safe he felt when he was wrapped in hers, his back pressed against her chest and her lips in his hair.
It became normal for them, another part of everyday life. Their morning routine was him rising first and making her caf; in the evenings, she would gently prod him bedwards with a cup of calming tea made just how he liked it to keep the nightmares at bay. There had been a few times when they’d ended up in Kanan’s cabin, but the captain’s bunk was slightly larger than those in the crew quarters so it made much more sense to use that one.
There were many activities they enjoyed using the bed for beyond merely sleeping, but most nights ended with Hera staying up to read her datapad for a time while Kanan nuzzled sleepily into her side. It was the best normal his life had ever had.
When Zeb joined them on board the Ghost, Hera thought they should go back to sleeping separately. She saw it as being more professional as well as respectful of their new crewmember. She'd never been in a relationship like theirs before and it was clear she didn't know how to balance it with the work she was doing against the Empire.
Kanan understood, to an extent. He personally didn’t care what Zeb or anyone else thought of them but he could tell that Hera did care, and he cared about her, so he agreed to the new rules she put in place. For her sake.
Despite this, he only managed one night of sleeping alone in his own bed. The following night, with the rumble of Zeb’s snores coming from the next cabin, he silently slipped out of his room and slid in beside Hera. He got a sleepy sigh before Hera allowed him to lie beside her, and then she pulled his arms around her and sank back into sleep.
This became their new routine for a while. It felt a little odd, sneaking around on their own ship, but Hera was happy because they weren’t being obvious and Kanan was happy because he was with Hera.
He always made sure to be up before Zeb so that their crewmate wouldn't see which room Kanan came out of, and if he suspected anything – Kanan knew that Lasat has a good sense of smell, and Zeb could surely tell who Hera had spent the night with on the days she passed him on her way to the ‘fresher – he didn’t comment on it.
It worked, until the day that it didn’t.
***
The day started like any other. Kanan woke early, at the time he had trained his body to – some parts of his childhood returned easier than others – and paused to marvel at what his daily life had become.
The bed was warm and soft, and Hera was a comforting and familiar presence beside him, her breathing slow and steady and even. She was lying on her front, and he had an arm slung over her back, which rose and fell with her breathing.
He still remembered the short time he’d spent alone and starving on the streets of Kaller and knew he would never take what he had now for granted.
But he only allowed himself a moment to enjoy it, because Zeb would be up soon and Kanan wanted to be through the ‘fresher by then. He went to roll out of bed – but found he couldn’t. That was when he realised it wasn’t just the weight of the covers that was pressing down on him; both of Hera’s lekku had wrapped themselves firmly around his forearm.
This wasn’t the first time this had happened, but it was the first time since Zeb had joined. He knew that there was no way he’d be able to extricate himself from her grip short of pulling hard enough to hurt her, so his options were either to wait for them to let him go or to wake Hera up.
He hesitated as he tried to make a decision. The bed was warm and soft, and Hera was comforting and familiar, and the longer he didn’t move, the closer sleep was returning to him…
"Kanan? You up? The caf machine’s broken."
Zeb’s voice pulled him out of his doze. He had no idea how much time had passed since he first woke, but he was still wrapped up with Hera in her bunk, in her cabin. He felt her jolt awake in a panic beside him and her lekku momentarily tightened around his arm. It was only for a second, and then she relaxed and they released him.
"Kanan?" she hissed. "What are you still doing here?"
"I couldn’t leave, your lekku did that thing again," he fired back in a whisper.
"You should have woken me up!"
He massaged his squeezed wrist. "Okay, okay, next time I will. Do you want to go help Zeb with the caf machine or shall I stride on out there?"
She glared at him. "I’ll go. Wait until we’re in the galley to come out."
She pressed a quick kiss to his lips before swinging herself out of the bunk. Her nightshirt – actually just an old, stretched-out t-shirt of his – had ridden up and twisted itself around her waist and he watched appreciatively as she found herself some underwear and leggings to wear with it.
"Kanan’s probably meditating, Zeb, I’ll help you with it," he heard her say from the corridor. Once the sound of both of their footsteps had retreated to the other end of the ship he quickly got out of bed and slipped across the hallway to his own cabin.
Emerging a few minutes later fully dressed, he found Zeb alone in the common area. The distant whine of the water heater told him Hera was in the shower.
"Morning," he said cheerily to Zeb, trying to appear as though he’d been awake for hours and calmly sitting in his room, not snoozing in their captain’s bunk.
Zeb barely looked at him. "You know, the two of you don’t need to sneak around me. I’m fine with whatever... thing you’ve got going on."
Kanan blinked at his crewmate’s bluntness.
"Uhhh... Thanks." He sighed. "Maybe you could mention that to Hera."
"She thinks I can’t handle being a third wheel?" Zeb asked, unimpressed.
Kana winced. "She doesn’t think it’s ‘professional’."
Zeb gave a small shrug of his huge shoulders. "I get paid on time, I have my own room, neither of you have asked me any questions about my past. That’s a lot more professional than plenty of other places I’ve worked at."
Kanan nodded slowly. "That’s good to know. Thanks."
"Any time." Zeb stood from the table, stretching his enormous arms and grunting when both shoulders popped. "If you need me for anything else, I’ll be in my cabin."
Kanan waved at him distractedly as the caf machine hummed to life, ready to spit out two more cups for himself and Hera. Zeb’s words had got him thinking. What was their ‘thing’?
***
The door to the cockpit hissed open to reveal Hera already swivelling the pilot’s seat around to watch Kanan enter. Her eyes lit up when she saw the two cups of caf he carried.
He silently handed one to her, leaning in to press a kiss to the top of her head as he did. Inhaling, he caught the faint scent of the lotion she used after she showered as well as that of the soft leatheris of her cap and a very faint whiff of engine oil that she could never quite wash out of her clothes. He loved it; the combination was uniquely Hera.
"Was everything okay with Zeb?" she asked as he settled himself into the co-pilot’s chair, her voice a little too casual to be completely believable.
"Just told him the captain needed a little early-morning maintenance like the caf machine and that I was all too happy to oblige," Kanan drawled in an echo of the flirtatious roughneck she’d met on Gorse.
"Kanan!" Hera scolded, swatting a hand at him, but he was too quick for her and caught her wrist before she could make contact. He used the movement against her, bringing her hand to his lips to kiss her palm.
She immediately softened and relaxed against him, allowing her hand to linger in his.
"I’m kidding," he murmured. "But – Zeb did say that we’re not being as discreet as you want us to be. And that he’s completely fine with it," he added quickly, seeing her panicked look.
"I told you you should have woken me up!"
"I think he knew long before today, but like I said, he doesn’t have a problem with it." Kanan ran his thumb over the back of her hand which he still held in his own. "The work’s good, he gets paid on time and we’re respectful of his privacy. I don’t think we need to worry about anything."
Her shoulders slumped. "That doesn’t mean I’m completely fine with it."
"I know."
"But I suppose we can relax a few of the newer rules."
Kanan hid his smile by taking a sip of his caf.
"I’ve been thinking," he started.
"Careful, love, you don’t want to hurt yourself." Hera gave him a wicked smile.
He tried to roll his eyes at her but could only huff out a laugh. "I’m being serious for once. This conversation with Zeb made me realise – we’ve never really defined what we are."
"We’re partners," Hera supplied immediately.
"Well, yeah, but – what I’m trying to say is, what if we took it a step further?"
"What do you mean?"
"Just that, one day, we could, y’know…" Kanan hesitated for a second, but then took the plunge. "Make it official. Legally."
Hera stared at him for a moment.
She sighed. "Kanan, you know that I love you. I tell you every day. But marriage… It’s not something I ever see myself doing. Not because of you – because of me, and who I am."
He tried to hide his disappointment. "Why not?"
"For starters, I don’t need a datachip with a holodocument to tell you, or me, or anyone else that I plan to be by your side for as long as I possibly can," Hera said, setting her caf mug down and turning back to face him. "I just will be, and you know that I will be, and that’s all that matters. I always hated seeing people who only stayed together because they were married – if you’re with someone, it should be because you want to be, not because you entered into a contract with them."
"But it’s not a contract to bind us together," he countered, "it’s a declaration to tell everyone how serious we are about each other. It says we’re so sure of what we have that we’re willing to sign up for forever together."
She didn't seem swayed. "That’s also ignoring the fact that so many wedding traditions have become more about exchanging property than expressing love, and even now most ceremonies involve one or both parties being given away by their families, and I am no-one’s to give away–"
"Of course you’re not, and I would hate that too," he cut in quickly before she could gear up for a full-blown rant. "We could have our own ceremony, done just how we like it – you, me, and in some places you can even get a droid to do the paperwork. Maybe Chopper can officiate." He grinned at her, pretending like he didn't think having Chopper officiate a wedding wouldn't be a complete and total disaster.
Hera, however, latched onto something else. "And that’s the next thing – where would we even go? Somewhere in the Empire? Assuming we could go through with a ceremony without being arrested, what meaning would it even have when the laws that are binding us come from the very ruling body we’re fighting to overthrow? The Empire is corrupt, and evil, and I want no part in its administration."
Kanan shrugged. "Places like Alderaan and Chandrila aren’t so bad – I’ve heard they’re almost the same as they were back in the days of the Republic."
"It doesn’t matter how nice a place is, all Imperial marriages go onto a register anyway." Her voice was rising in volume and her gestures were growing more animated to match; this was clearly something she felt strongly about. "If we did this we would want it to be for real, so we’d have to give our real names and submit biometric data. We may not have arrest warrants or bounties on our heads right now but it’s a very real possibility that in the future that kind of data could and would be used against us."
Kanan threw up his hands in exasperation. "So we go somewhere outside of the Empire completely."
"And how much would we be charged for our special holodocument? Would it even have any meaning to us, to get married on some backwater Outer Rim planet in a ceremony of traditions neither of us has any connection to?"
"Hera," Kanan said firmly, taking both of her hands in his. "I don’t care who does it, or where. Jedi don’t get married, remember? I don’t have any cultural traditions to call on. We can go to Ryloth and do it the Twi’lek way, or somewhere else, I don’t mind. We can figure something out. I just really like the idea of being married to you – of knowing that in some way, I can call you my wife."
She softened. For a moment, he thought he'd managed to get through to her. It hadn't been a deeply serious suggestion from him but the more she'd fought against it, the more he'd wanted to convince her.
Unfortunately, he hadn't won this one.
"We’re not going to Ryloth, and you know exactly why," she said firmly. "Not to mention the fact that on Ryloth, marriage comes with expectations. Traditionally, two people would get married to symbolise their readiness for children; they were making a commitment to each other that they would raise a family together. And I know it’s not the same on other planets, and even on Ryloth that’s a little outdated, but…" She sighed. "I still see that connotation. And you know I can’t commit to anything more than this fight."
"I know the rebelling against the Empire will always come first for you," he assured her. "I’ve made my peace with that, and if we ever did go through with something like this, we could do it our way. Make it clear that it’s about us and not any other kinds of expectations. I just – I love you so much, Hera, and sometimes I want to scream it out for the whole galaxy to hear."
Her expression softened at his confession. "I will always love you, Kanan, but I just don’t think I’ll ever be comfortable with marriage."
He sighed. Maybe he wouldn't ever win this one. "That’s okay. You know I would never want to do anything you’re not comfortable with. But know that I will always love you, and so the offer will always be there."
Because I will always be here, he didn't add, but she knew that anyway.
She kissed him lightly on the lips. "I know."
What Kanan didn't know was that his words did have an impact on Hera. He got her thinking: was marriage really such a bad idea? She did like the thought of being able to call Kanan an official part of her family, and maybe he had a point about it being less a chain holding them together and more a sincere promise, a declaration of their love and a dedication to staying together no matter what.
How much joy would it give him to hear her pledge herself to him forever? She would love to give him that. She already knew just how deep his feelings went, but he had always liked affirmations from her. If they were married, every day he could remember that.
There was also the fact that he’d mentioned Alderaan, and while her points about a lack of safe places for them to have a ceremony were true, there was something he didn’t know. Perhaps she could pull a few strings and arrange something there…
No. Stop being ridiculous, Hera, you’re not getting married.
But it was fun to think about what if…