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Chapter Text

Screaming.

Screaming.

Louder and louder, circling all around Leo, going in and out of his mind.

Voices fade in and out, all on the brink of exhaustion as their lungs constrict with air loss.

Donnie screamed as he was ripped out of the motherboard. Screaming as he was held up by thick, unforgiving vines. As tiny vines found their way under his mask. Leo could see it, the meld of machine and turtle. Where the slime ended, and the shell and green began were lost in the translation of vines tying it all together, in a perfect bow delivered to Leo in the form of his terrified brother.

Mikey screamed as he and Donnie were thrown off the ship, hurtling too fast, too soon, too hard towards the ground. He screamed as his wrists were squeezed and his mind was invaded by the Kraang. He screamed as Leo could see the dot of his brother, infinitely smaller by the second. Forever falling away, never stopping, burning up in the fire of his chains and speed. Too fast. Too quick. Too far away. Yet, he was inches away from Leo. Their fingers almost touched as he kept screaming.

Raph screamed. He screamed and screamed. His face seemed to split open, his skin melded too perfectly with the Kraang. It was in his eyes. In his skin. In his mouth. It was in his skull. It was him. It was a seamless blend of a monster and a brother, seeing Leo as nothing more than the nuisance he was. But as he neared, Leo couldn’t tell where he was. Raph fell towards Leo and he could feel his own limbs change and meld into a giant hulking beast, staring at his innocent brothers with hate only Leo could seem to forge. Raph kept screaming, but it felt like words, not incoherent noise. Leo tried and tried and tried his best to listen but he couldn’t hear anything that wasn’t his own voice.

Leo couldn’t scream. He couldn’t scream as his brother wrapped his warped arm around Leo’s throat. The air was quickly cut off, leaving Leo only seconds to comfort his brother as he died at his hands. Leo couldn’t scream as he watched all of his brothers hurtled off the ship, to somewhere he couldn’t save them. He couldn’t get enough air in his quickly falling lungs as his chest rattled with the incoming pressure.

Every shake of his body filled his mind with searing pain. His shell seemed to crack, more pain filling his mind until he seemed to go numb. His mind desperately wanted to shut down, let the job be done, and let Leo pass knowing his brothers were safe.

But he couldn’t. Even in his final moments, with no air, no love, and no color, his mind couldn’t give him peace.

To replace the empty sounds of pain and anguish, Leo’s mind filled the silence with the screams of the ones he had failed. 

Donnie, his twin, his brother, his genius brother, screaming in desperation. A scream fitting a brother betrayed by his twin’s idiocy. A cry of help that could have never been heard if Leo had listened to anything else. A yell as he begged to leave, to get away, to never see Leo again. Leo could feel it, almost, the slime coating his back, creeping into every crevice and cavern. Dripping slowly down his arms, resembling the sticky blood from his brothers’ fresh cuts, caused by the broken metal and flying glass.

Mikey, his youngest brother, the sweetest brother, crying in fear. Fear for his brothers and fear for himself. Fear that Leo knew had trapped his brother’s mind in a rapid panic. Images flashing by, one after another, nothing being processed, yet everything being processed all at the exact same time. The feelings of seeing their oldest brother slowly choking the life out of Leo as Mikey hung there, helpless. How could Leo see it all so clearly? How could he see and feel what happened? Feel the helplessness, nagging in the back of his head. No. Not nagging. Begging. Begging to do anything. To say anything. Leo could feel it all, all the fear and the tears that he put his too young brother through because of his own selfishness.

Selfishness. Oh, how selfish was he, the supposed leader of his brothers? Had he been less selfish, how many screams of anguish would he have heard from Raph? The never-ending yelling and screaming overtook his mind. Filling his veins, pouring from his ears, pounding from inside his head, begging to be released. Over and over, Raph’s screaming never ended. His limbs turned inside out, contorting themselves to look like the Kraang standing above Leo, beating every gust of air from him. Every blink, the image would change.

Raph screamed, clutching at his mutated eye, glaring at Leo with all the hate he deserved. Then it was the Kraang, and a big fist coming into contact with Leo’s plastron. Raph screaming. Kraang laughing. Raph doubled over in anguish. Kraang reeled back, with a sneer on his face. Raph. Kraang. Raph. Kraang. Raph. Kraang. RAPH! Kra-

Leo felt weightless. There was nothing around him. It was all pitch black. No screams. No yelling. Only a silent laugh, climbing up Leo’s arms. Grabbing him so lightly he could barely feel it, but the phantom weight was all over him, all around him, slowly touching him, grabbing him, everywhere. It was nauseating, Leo tried to kick it off, rub it away, tell it to go away. But he couldn’t.

Leo couldn’t scream.

He couldn’t move.

He couldn’t breathe.

Suddenly, the laughing got louder, and everything went dark as a fist came flying toward him.

--

Leo sat up with a sharp gasp, heart choking him as he tried to remember how to breathe.

He quickly jumped up, grabbing his ōdachi from the side of his bed. He held it up, looking around the room.

There was nothing there.

Leo was alone.

Leo was, completely and totally, alone.

Just like every other night.

Alone.

Chapter Text

Leo sat in the lair. Mikey was by his side, fiddling with the black gloves Donnie made him. They were a perfect fit. Donnie described everything they did as Mikey stared at the lighting-like stitching in a vibrant orange. Leo nodded along, trying to pay attention without his eyes giving away the last time he slept.

Donnie happily rambled about his invention, and Leo was happy. He was so happy. He was so happy for his brother, who hadn’t invented anything new in almost a month. He was too busy looking after Leo and making sure he was healed.

So, what if his leg still hurts? So what, that if he twisted it the wrong way too quickly Leo had to bite back tears and smile through the pain. So what? Who cares? Not Leo, that’s for sure. His twin was out of the med bay and that’s all that mattered.

So, he was happy. He was happy for Mikey, who had a genuine smile in the same room as Leo for the first time in weeks. He knew that Mikey was happy a lot, but it felt like whenever Leo walked in the room, all laughter died and death hung heavy, like a rope around Leo’s neck. Slowly choking him as he saw his brothers’ worried expressions when he was doing anything that wasn’t breathing. Which, even then, when a breath was too big, they all jumped up like he was dying all over again. 

So what Leo left his room less now? So what he stopped eating because he couldn’t keep anything down. So what everything he saw and heard and felt reminded him of slimy hands and piercing screams and brisk winds blowing by his face too quickly and- So what? Who cares ? It was better this way. It was better if Leo wasn’t there, making his stupid jokes and reminding everyone of how he almost killed them all.

Leo was happy.

So, so very happy.

Until he heard Donnie talking about a “stabilizer” while holding Mikey’s hands. Small, dark green hands that were covered in large, bright orange scars, missing pieces lost far away, now covered in an invention meant to fix the one thing that had brought Leo home. Leo could feel what little breakfast he had starting to come back up.

He just bit his tongue and slowly got up and patted his youngest brother’s shoulder, forcing his feet to move as slow as his mind wished it was going. His stomach felt like he was being stabbed as his throat swallowed lava, hot tears no different than the sun as Leo raced to his room’s bathroom. If anyone said anything to him, he never heard it. All he heard was screaming in his mind, and his own feet hitting the floor.

Leo’s door stayed locked for the next day, claiming he wasn’t hungry as he forced down tears and pretended everything was fine. He was happy. Eventually, Mikey knocked on the door, offering Leo’s favorites. As if it was a test, as if Leo didn’t take it, he was proving how weak and selfish he was. 

Leo assured Mikey he would be right there and looked at himself in the mirror. Sunken red eyes surrounded by dark green skin, fresh tears track carving the frame of Leo’s face. Leo saw nothing worth saving in the mirror. He saw nothing worth permanently damaging your hands over to the point you would need Donnie to make you a gadget to forever deal with the damage. He didn’t see anything worth risking your life over. Leo didn’t see anyone worth anything. He just saw nothing in the mirror.

Another knock at the door reminded Leo where he was, and he took a deep breath and washed his face. He stared at himself in the mirror again and felt ten years old again as he forced himself to smile as wide as he could. A wide smile with perfect teeth. He smiled again, trying to make it reach his eyes, make it look like he’d rather do nothing else than talk to his little brother right now.

He kept smiling until it didn’t hurt – until it looked real. He opened the door with a casual lean and happily accepted his brother’s wonderful food. He pretended he didn’t have to rip his eyes away from the black gloves. For some reason, Leo didn’t feel very deserving of sitting with his family and quickly declined the invitation, claiming he was catching up on some medical reading.

He pretended to not notice Mikey’s sad face as he declined, knowing it was good for them. Leo was a nuisance and the sooner they all realize that the sooner Leo can let them all be happy again. Because who could ever be happy with a waste of space in their home?

Leo didn’t even bother trying to eat his brother’s food, knowing exactly where it would go. Instead, he left it on his bedside table to waste away, maybe to even bring Leo with it eventually. What was the point of eating if it all tasted the same, never stayed down, and only reminded Leo of how broken he was every time he tried to convince himself otherwise?

–

Leo landed hit after hit on the punching dummy, throwing all of his weight into every blow. The crush of the soft plush beneath his fingers felt good, a sliver of pride every time the dummy shifted away after a strong impact.

The repetitive sound of his hands sinking into the dummy soothed Leo’s racing thoughts. Thoughts of “what-ifs”, memories of searing pain, non-stop screaming. Scream after scream. Over and over and over and OVER and- Leo pulled back in pain, gasping as he clutched his hand that was now coated in dark red. He looked up and saw a now-blood-covered ninja star. One of Mikey’s forgotten stars that were lodged in the practice dummy.

Blood ran down Leo’s fingers, down his wrist, and to his elbow. And it wasn’t slowing down. Leo cursed quietly to himself and quickly pulled out the ninja star and walked over to the med bay, ignoring his wince as he turned his hips too far. Grabbing fresh gauze, Leo took off his now-sliced glove and slowly wrapped his hand, wincing when he twisted the skin the wrong way. 

The wound, now wrapped, still had blood seeping through but it would be fine until tomorrow. Leo glanced at his arm, still covered in dark red. He tried to block out images of his arm and legs after he was pulled through his brother’s portal. Green and red, opposites on the color wheel, popping out against each other like the blood was begging to be seen. But, in some places, there was no beginning or end to the green and red, blended together like a horrifying painting in which Leo was the canvas. Skin painted in dark purples, paired with dark forest greens closer to Mikey’s skin color, and topped off with a variety of reds that were eerily similar to the marks on Leo’s face.

Leo forced himself to look away, swallowing down the fear and pain, replacing it with worry that any of his brothers would find the bloody mess. One problem he knew he could fix about himself.

Making sure none of his brothers knew he was there. That he was in pain.

Yeah, he could do that perfectly.

Happily, even.

Chapter Text

It’s been three months since the Kraang invaded, and it felt like everyone else had simply…moved on. Leo told himself he had moved on. That he had gotten over it. That he was fine. That he was okay.

They had shown Casey what “grabbing a slice” was and Raph attempted to beat Leo’s pizza stack record. He almost made it before the top 20 boxes fell and Leo stayed victorious. He cheered and made jokes, but because it felt more like what he was supposed to do, less that he was actually happy Raph didn’t beat his record. At the end of the day, Leo wouldn’t have cared if Raph beat it. He wouldn’t care if any of them beat it. He didn’t care about…anything.

Almost like clockwork, the pizza came back up later that night after watching Donnie apply ointment to Raph’s shell, a gaping hole of sharp carapace, leaving Leo feeling even more empty than he already was.

He trained some more on the practice dummy, relishing in the way he could tune everything out. Tune out the neverending screaming in his head, tune out the guilt that seemed to claw its way under his skin, and leave handprints all over him where only he could see. It helped him forget his brothers’ faces as they watched their oldest brother slowly make Leo’s world go dark, forget their faces when he woke back up and had to pretend he wasn’t disappointed he had opened his eyes. He could pretend all that existed was him and the dummy, nothing else. Not Casey in the other room looking at Leo like he hung the stars in the sky, not Raph’s slightly milky white eye, not Mikey’s shaky hands, not Donnie’s bruised shell, not April’s lingering gaze, and not Splinter’s always present shadow.

None of that existed. Only him and the dummy.

Leo had tried using his swords, but they didn’t feel right in his hands anymore. They didn’t leave the satisfying bruises on Leo’s hands. A marriage of dark red, dark green, and small red lines curving around his knuckles. There was something inherently alive about it, almost grounding Leo. A constant reminder of where he was.

The muted pain also served as a needed punishment. Reminding Leo of what he did, what he almost did, and what he should have done. A punishment , for not being the brother, son, mentor, and friend they all deserved. It made him happy to see the new marks every time he was finished. He told himself it was because he was improving, that they were marks of growth. When Leo was done beating his hands, he would look at them and then fix whatever new hole in the dummy he made with more duct tape. As he patched the holes, he ignored how if he stood too quickly, the room seemed to spin and the floor moved.

Leo didn’t sleep anymore. He never slept much to begin with, insomnia was annoying like that, but now he would go almost a full week with no sleep. When he did sleep, it was three hours at most, and always filled with nightmares of screaming and death. He didn’t need sleep anyway, didn’t deserve it. He had to train, to make sure his brothers were never put in that kind of situation again. To make sure he never put them in a situation like that again.

However, for the first time, his late-night training was interrupted.

“Leo,” Donnie asked, coffee in hand, “I thought you went to bed hours ago.”

Leo tensed as he remembered his earlier promise to his brothers that he would sleep. Donnie’s eyes watched him with scrutiny, but Leo just pretended he never heard his brother talking to him. He threw another kick, landing directly on the target’s face.

“Leo,” Donnie said, walking towards Leo with a small glare, “I know you heard me.” Donnie stood on Leo’s side, as the blue turtle tried to tune out the world, focusing on the sink of his knuckles into the soft dummy. “Leo, what are you still doing awake?”

Leo groaned and faked a smile, and threw his arm around his twin’s shoulder, “ Donnie, it’s fine. Okay?” He laughed as Donnie glared at him again, “I tried to sleep and found it just didn’t work for me. Figured a little workout might tire me out. You know how it is," He smirked and threw another punch, but it was blocked by Donnie.

“How long have you been here, ‘Nardo?”

Leo looked at his twin confused, “Uhh, what? What do you mean?”

Donnie was now full-on glaring at Leo, who could feel his stomach flipping, “Leonardo, how long have you been in here training?”

Leo blanked, never keeping track of how long he would go for, typically going until he physically couldn’t move anymore. “Leo!” Donnie scolded, annoyed at the lack of response.

Feeling a fight coming, Leo rolled his eyes and tried to leave the room. He didn’t have it in him to argue right now, not when the room hadn't really stopped moving and his stomach felt like an ocean’s current.

Donnie reached out to stop him, but Leo had swatted his hand away, accidentally hitting Donnie’s coffee and it ended up splashing all over Donnie’s plastron. Donnie yelped in pain as he wiped off the coffee, and Leo stopped walking away. He actually stopped moving entirely, eyes locked on his bedroom door, he didn’t even know if he breathing. It felt like he was trapped between two Raphs, pushing his chest together until he couldn’t even swallow the bile in his throat. His legs seemed to be tied to the Earth, feet of lead and stone keeping Leo trapped and his eyes locked on the now shattered coffee cup on the ground. He begged his mind to work with him, for just a second, to at least get to his room before completely shutting down. But why should he ever be that lucky or selfless?

Before he could stop it, his mind turned on Leo completely and nothing else existed except Leo and the weightless, dark laughing.

As Donnie wiped the coffee off, he looked up at his brother, ready to argue but stopped when he heard Leo’s breathing quickly speeding up. “Leo?” No response. Donnie grabbed his brother’s shoulder, trying to get his attention, “Leo?” He kept trying to get Leo to look at him, but he knew something was very, very wrong when tears started rolling down his twin’s face, who stayed completely unresponsive.

Donnie cursed and ran off to find his other brothers.

–

Screaming. Screaming.

Non-stop screaming.

His family’s faces flashed in front of Leo, mouths hung open in unnatural angles, gapping dark holes playing that awful screaming, like speakers hung on the wall. All of them had some kind of horrific thing wrong with them, all caused by Leo and his stupid, stupid, stupid selfishness.

Raph had no eyes, only dark cliffs into the back of his head, filled with Kraang weaponry, all aimed at Leo. His eyes held no love for Leo, stuck only on the angry expression at Leo for daring to believe he could ever be as good as Raph. To be anything like him. Raph watched his brother was fiery rage, for how could the lowest brother ever begin to believe he could be good?

Donnie’s face was contorted, slimy, Kraang tentacles protruding out of his skull, out of his mouth. There was very little green left of his twin brother, his entire being covered in slime and coffee. Coffee melted right into the slime, melting into his brother’s face and head. He could feel the heat of his brother’s glare, filled with hate and loathing for the worst twin brother he could have been cursed with.

Mikey stared at him, a dead expression stuck on his face as his mouth hung the lowest, staring at Leo as if pondering why he ever trusted Leo. Why would he ever trust such an awful brother and leader? Why did he ever save a massive waste of space? His face was covered with missing flakes of gold, small orange lighting scars littered all over Mikey. A pointless sacrifice for a brother who couldn’t even operate right, much less be the brother they all need.

April hovered next to him as well, her mouth hung open as a mixture of ooze and blood rushed out of her mouth. Strands of dark blood ran down her chin and her throat as if they were making a jagged cut across her jaw. Kraang’s vines also wrapped around her forehead, too tight and too strong, her face slightly bending under the pressure. She was the only one who stared at Leo in fear.

Casey’s face was snuck in a sneer, and Leo could hear his words playing in his mind. “All we got is this guy.” Over and over, louder and louder, pounding against Leo’s head, trying to split open his skull and finally rid everyone of their common nuisance. Casey was the only one who had his eyes closed, as if he refused to see Leo ever again. Kraang’s vines ran through his skull, through his ears, blocking out Leo’s voice as well.

Draxum smiled at him, with an unnaturally wide grin, and just shook his head at Leo’s stupidity. Reminding Leo that he was never going to be enough because he was such a cosmic mistake from Draxum’s experiment. When Draxum screamed, it sounded like all of the Hidden City screaming with him, reminding Leo of how many people he had killed and hurt with one moment of blazing selfishness and ego. He couldn’t even be born right.

Splinter just laughed. He laughed and he laughed. His jaw was barely even connected anymore, loose skin swinging back and forth as Splinter howled in laughter at his son. Laughing at his mistakes, his failure, his ideas of ever being enough. Laughing at the fact Leo ever thought he could be a good leader.

Their faces all flashed in front of Leo, tormenting him with the truth he didn’t want to acknowledge. The truth he didn't want to accept.

His family was better off without him.

Leo stood there helpless, trapped, as his mind kept screaming at him. They never stopped screaming.

–

Raph sat in front of his hyperventilating brother, who was rocking back and forth, sobbing violently. Like he was trapped in a bad dream, unable to escape. Draxum paced in the corner, thinking of anything to calm down the blue turtle. His gargoyles hovered around Leo, what they were trying to do was lost to the sheep mutant.

Mikey also was trying to calm Leo down, to breathe, to do anything. Donnie was calling April, who was rushing over with Sunita. They were running through ideas, suggesting anything to help Leo to calm down. Nothing was working, and the more they touched him or spoke to him seemed to just make it worse.

No one knew what to do. Until Splinter walked in with Casey. The brothers didn’t want Casey to see Leo like this, knowing how much Leo valued his relationship with Casey, but Splinter insisted. And with no ideas left, they all agreed.

Casey walked in and saw his Master on the floor, breaking down in front of everyone, and Casey knew what to do. He had seen this all before.

He slowly reached forward, and tightly hugged Leo, rubbing circles on his shell. The brothers all reached forward to stop him, but that was until Leo had stopped crying.

Eventually, Leo stopped rocking back and forth, and his breathing evened out. They all watched as Casey held Leo, who slowly came back to them.

Leo looked at Casey, who had him wrapped in a hug and the rest of his family circled them, all with varying looks of worry and concern. Leo felt sick, and pushed Casey off him and ran to his room as fast as his legs would carry him, locking the bathroom door behind him.

Why couldn’t he do anything right?

He couldn’t even keep it together for five seconds. How, how was he meant to lead his brothers?

He was just a little broken turtle, with nothing to bring to the table.

His family banged on the door, begging Leo to open it, but he refused. This was his punishment for failing to do one thing right. He deserved to be alone, forever.

He deserved this. He didn’t deserve them.

He never did.

The pounding on the doors made it easy to drown out Leo’s sobbing.

He deserved this.

Chapter Text

Drip. Drip. Drip.

Drip.

Sink water slowly hit porcelain, the beat of falling water matched Leo’s breathing.

Leo leaned his head back against the bathroom door. It’s been about two days since his family had seen his biggest failure and he had hidden in the bathroom like a coward. Casey had been knocking on the door almost every hour, trying to get Leo to come out.

He had come out only once when he knew no one else was there, and he tried to grab a blanket while stepping over all of the weeks-old forgotten plates Mikey had brought him when he cooked dinner. Not a single one had been touched, Leo hoped his brothers didn’t notice.

He was determined to stay hidden away until his family realized they were better off without him and left him alone. However, they seemed to be refusing the truth that he only hurt them. All of his family members came separately, seeming to be switching with each other.

Donnie tried to force him to come out with facts and logic, saying the coffee hadn’t even hurt. Somehow that made Leo feel worse, that Donnie didn’t realize there was a possibility Leo had hurt him again.

Mikey tried to coerce him out with food, noting how Leo hadn’t eaten anything in at least a day. Raph tried to use the promise of a hug and a listening ear if he came out.

April tried to comfort him, saying that he was going to be okay. Splinter tried to beg him out, not knowing what else to do.

Draxum had just sat outside the door, not talking as his gargoyles rambled about the things they could do if he came out. They passed notes for a bit, Leo telling him he just needed a bit to compose himself, hoping Draxum would understand. He did and stayed by the door for the longest to keep everyone else out for a bit. Draxum ignored the sound of Leo’s crying, which was appreciated.

Casey tried to sympathize with him, saying he knew how to help if Leo would just let him. He told Leo he knew what was going through his head, and that his brothers loved him and wanted to see him okay.

Leo didn’t believe him.

He didn’t even love himself, and he spent every moment with himself, never able to run away no matter how hard he wanted to. And he never almost killed himself because of his huge ego and idiotic belief that he ever knew what he was doing. But, he had done that to his brothers, he had almost killed everyone he loved. They were all now hurt, some of them permanently by his mistakes. Forever baring Leo’s mistakes and arrogance on their bodies. They were forever cursed with carrying Leo with them. Now trapped with him, unable to leave him. Unable to run away.

What a horrible fate.

So, how? How could they still love him? After a while, they’ll realize the truth and let Leo slowly waste away. He just had to wait them out.

–

That night, Leo was woken up by a loud banging on the door.

“Leo!” Raph faintly yelled through the door, “If you don’t come out, Donnie is gonna take the door off its hinges!” Donnie and April argued in the background.

Leo could hear the faint whirring of Donnie’s drill as Raph frantically told him to put it away, and he sighed. They would have to stop worrying about him before they could realize that he was only hurting them all.

With a deep breath and a fake smile, Leo unlocked the door and saw the faces of the ones he loved. He blinked away flashing faces and set his jaw, allowing them to drag him out of the room and wrap him in a hug.

Leo had forgotten how cold he’d been, locked away in his room, but felt disgusted at himself for allowing himself to enjoy the warmth of the hug. He didn’t get to be warm, he didn’t get to be loved. Not after everything he did.

He allowed his brothers to drag him to the living room, feeling worse every step of the way. He didn’t know what from though, most likely the shame as they all viewed him as something that needed help. Needed saving. But he didn’t, being saved is how they ended up in the mess to begin with. Why would they want to save him again?

Donnie forced him to sit on the couch and they all stood around him.

Leo looked to his brothers in confusion, but all of his family members seemed concerned. “What’s going on," He asked.

Raph stepped forward, his raph-chasm still as large as ever. “Leo, when was the last time you slept?”

Leo felt himself tense up, knowing the real answer would be a one-way ticket to a bed until his body eventually gave out. He hadn’t slept in almost 72 hours now. The last time he tried he woke up gasping for air after a similar experience of no air, no light, no color as the world went dark, only Raph taking up Leo’s vision. His brothers still didn’t know about the nightmares, and Leo was determined to keep it that way.

He laughed, brushing off any fear he had, “Why? Think I can’t take care of myself, Raphy?” He leaned back, ignoring the pain from twisting his leg the wrong way and the awkward angle of his shell, “I’ve been sleeping, Raph. No need to worry.”

“How much have you been eating?” Raph asked, watching Leo freeze momentarily. Quickly recovering, Leo grinned even wider as if he found the situation funny.

“Pft, what’s with all the questions big bro? Still concerned about little old me?” Leo laughed, “I’m fine. Sleeping, eating, the whole nine yards. Worry about everyone else who actually needs it, big man.” Leo smiled to the best of his ability, swallowing down the anxiety and loathing he was feeling for putting them all through this, and he repeated the mantra he’d been telling himself for weeks, “it’s like you said, Raph. It’s not about me.”

Mikey glared at Leo and crossed his arms. “If you’re fine, then what happened the last night?”

Leo felt himself pause, trying to think of an excuse, anything to get his family to not worry. Maybe- maybe a little bit of truth to assure them. To get them back to indifference. “I was just tired, Mike. Yesterday was a bit much for me and I lost my cool after spilling the coffee on Donnie. All good now, I promise.” Leo said it with such an easy laugh, he almost believed it himself. Almost.

His family members looked between each other, none looking particularly convinced, but deciding to believe Leo because they hadn’t seen him freak out like that before. Casey, however, stared at Leo with skepticism but Leo decided that was a problem for another day.

For today, step one was done, and his family was no longer worried.

Now Leo can step back and let them all figure out how much better they are without him messing stuff up.

He slinked away back to his room, and hugged himself, missing the warmth already, but knowing this was for the best.

Chapter Text

They took it.

Claimed it was too damaged, too broken.

Leo just stared at the spot where the training dummy had stayed, and for a second forgot where he was. Who he was.

But, his brother’s voice brought him back and before Mikey could finish his question, Leo smiled. “Ah, my awesome punches were too much for it, huh? Understandable,” Leo smirked with a shrug, “my punches are known to be…” he laughed to himself, “get this, holy .”

Leo laughed at his sad excuse of a joke. He knew it wasn’t his best, but he couldn’t stomach any more worried looks or questions about his well-being. Not after he yelled at Donnie when he broke the news he threw away the training dummy. Of course, he apologized, but they all still looked at him like they would an injured child.

With worry and fear.

But jokes… jokes either made them all laugh or leave him alone because of how bad they were.

Plus, he had so many things to joke about. Leo could joke about how the floor seemed to grow closer every day, how the toilet was becoming his new best friend as everything seemed to be reminiscing the day the sky split open and hell opened its jaws, and how there always seemed to be a dull pain all over his body. He could joke about how he couldn’t even sacrifice himself correctly, hurting his brothers in the process every time. He could laugh about how the urge to leave and never come back constantly clawed at his mind. He could joke about what a horrible leader he was, still not hearing anything his brothers told him, because every time they seemed to talk to him, he could only hear them screaming.

There was a lot to tell jokes about.

He was about to make another, but the Caseys and April walked into the lair. Mikey tore his gaze away from Leo and focused on their friends instead. Casey Jr. watched Leo as he walked in, but Leo brushed off the worried look and smiled while wrapping a shoulder around Casey Sr.

She smiled and wrapped her own arm around Leo, “I see you’ve been training, blue turtle! You look much stronger than the last time I saw you!”

Leo felt a chill deep inside, but gave his signature cocky smile. Mikey laughed as Leo flexed his muscles, “Oh yeah?” He leaned forward, with a hand on his chin, “Think I’m strong enough to beat you?”

Casey Sr. smiled, eyes closed, “You have improved much, turtle,” She looked up with an evil glint, “I will take great pleasure in crushing you.”

Leo laughed nervously but somewhere in the back of his mind, there was a sigh of relief.

–

Raph decided to turn their little match into a training session, with Leo and Casey going last.

Casey Sr. hugged her son after he beat April in hand to hand, and Leo celebrated with Mikey when he beat Donnie, who rolled his eyes as Leo gloated for Mikey.

After everyone sat down after their match, Leo and Casey got ready to spar. They opted for hand to hand-Leo still wasn’t comfortable with using the sword.

Casey threw the first punch, and time slowed as Leo blocked her punch and landed his fist directly on her nose. Her head reeled back but she recovered quickly, she dropped down to wipe Leo off his feet but he jumped up in time and kicked her in the stomach. He flipped back and landed in a low pose and surges forward, planning to bring Casey to the ground.

She caught him in time, and flipped over him, bringing Leo with her. He flew through the air, hearing only the rush of wind and his heartbeat as he hit the ground.

He closed his eyes in shock and opened them to a dark, purple and pink sky and a looming figure.

Leo blinked again and Casey was back. Her knee landed on his chest and suddenly Leo couldn’t breathe.

He gasped and clasped at her leg.

Blink.

Dark metal was wrapped around Leo’s throat, his shell stung, and he could feel his lungs being forcefully restricted by a large weight on his chest.

Blink.

Casey stood above Leo, and Raph held her arm up as his family cheered. Her foot was still on his chest, so heavy he couldn’t move. He couldn’t see.

Blink.

Wind was rushing past his ears. Sharp metal dug into Leo’s arms, his sides, his throat. The weight increased as loud, booming words entered his mind but it all just sounded like screaming.

Blink.

Casey Sr. stood above Leo, she looked worried. Why was she worried about Leo? Leo. Who is Leo? Leo is Leo.

Leo is right here. Where is here?

Blink.

Maniacal laughing filled his head, and he floated weightlessly in a pitch-black void.

There was nothing.

Only gray buildings, and floating pieces of glass and stone. And laughing.

Crazed, all-consuming, mind-numbing laughing.

Filling his senses.

It was all he could hear, all he could see, and the metal around his throat was all he could taste, slowly choking on blood, all rushing out of his body. Ever silent, ever persistent.

Blink.

Blink.

Blink.

The laughing continued. There was no stop. There was no end. There was nothing else.

This was the end.

Him, blood, metal, and laughing.

Blink.

Blink.

There was no weight on his chest. There was no laughing.

Only silence.

Leo slowly felt his throat, there was nothing there. Just skin.

He slowly looked around at his family and friends and Leo felt red-hot shame.

Leo stood up and shook Casey Sr.’s hand, ignoring how she watched him like an injured child. He wasn’t a child, and he wasn’t injured. He was fine.

Why can’t they see that?

Mikey approached Leo slowly, like he was some rabid animal ready to attack anything that moved too quickly. Or worse, like a scared rabbit, ready to flee like a coward. Like a failure.

“Are you okay, Leo?”

Leo ignored the rush of anger in his heart, and swallowed down the depreciation fresh on his tongue, and he smiled as if he was confused. “Yeah, of course, Mike.” He smiled at Casey, “Of course, I wish I had put you on your back, but I guess you can’t win ‘em all.”

Leo laughed. “I guess Casey is stronger than Kraang,” he said almost off-handedly. He smiled at Casey with an arm around her shoulder, “no surprise there. Guess the world’s greatest ninja is gonna have to work even harder to beat you.”

Casey smiled sweetly at Leo’s compliment, and the others continued congratulating her for her win. Casey Jr. caught Leo’s eyes with a sad look, but Leo ignored it.

Why would he tell Casey what’s wrong? Casey is a kid, he needs to focus on eating pizza and bonding with his mom, not Leo and his issues that he should be over by now.

Kraang happened months ago, and the entire fight lasted only minutes. Why would Leo let something that lasted ten minutes affect him for this long? He knew why, he was asking for attention. Leo didn’t deserve attention, especially not for trying to basically manipulate his family.

Plus, what were his ten minutes compared to the things he did to his family?

Raph’s shell will forever be damaged, Mikey’s hands will now always shake, Donnie wore his battle shell for almost two months straight after what happened, and Casey grew up in the apocalypse because of Leo. Heck, Leo’s family died in the future because he couldn’t stop thinking about himself for even ten minutes.

Why would they ever feel bad for him? What did they do to deserve being used by Leo because he was a little sad and couldn’t sleep well anymore? None of that mattered.

Leo didn’t matter.

He knew it, he just wished they would all stop pretending he did out of pity for him.

Leo didn’t matter and he made his peace with that.

They all need to realize it now.

Realize they lived with a waste of space.

That they lived with nothing.

Chapter Text

Leo didn’t know when it happened, but over time he became the team’s official medic. Maybe it was because Raph didn’t have a very gentle, light hand. Maybe it was because Donnie couldn’t handle the sight of anything that was supposed to be inside someone now being outside. Maybe it was because none of the brothers could stomach the idea of their youngest brother having to comfort them as he saved their lives.

Maybe it was because Leo wanted to be more than the faceman.

Donnie did eventually force himself to learn how to do basic medical care, but he couldn’t focus on how to heal his dying brother as blood gushed and cracks strained. April and Splinter were coached through it by Leo, but when he passed out from the pain, Donnie had to take over.

That was four months ago, now. When Leo had his taste of death, his taste of the sting ‘forever’ that is left in the back of your throat.

No one else could do it, so Leo changed his own bandages and made sure everything was healing properly.

It was three months ago when Leo started training Mikey to be the other team medic. Just… in case.

That was why Mikey was in Leo’s room, wrapping Leo’s hands. Leo had another fight with Raphh and lost his temper. He punched the wall, it wasn’t his proudest moment.

He would have hit the training dummy but someone had thrown it away without telling anyone because he believed he was the best-

“Leo?” Mikey asked, staring at Leo with wide eyes, “Are you okay?”

Leo unclenched his fist, his nails digging into the meat of his unwrapped palm, creating two, red half-crescent moons. Leo breathed out slowly, not realizing how his anger had started seeping through him like lava tracks, hot and destructive, but slow and seemingly unmoving.

Until it’s at your feet and you’re out of time.

Leo smiled at his little brother, “Yeah, Mike. I’m okay.”

“Thinking about Raph?”

Leo stayed silent, unable to face the disappointment on Mikey’s face. He knew what he put Mikey through for those two years. Donnie was the only decent twin brother during it all while Leo stayed stubborn. He had vowed to not do that again, but Raph was just too loud, talking about how they needed to go out again and fight the bad guys and Leo couldn’t control his tongue as he started another pointless fight.

Leo didn’t know what to say to make up for what he did. He wasn’t thinking about Raph before, he was now.

But Leo wasn’t angry, he was guilty.

“I’m sorry, Mikey. You didn’t deserve to sit through that again.”

Mikey just stared at Leo’s hand, silently wrapping the bruised purple and red skin in pristine white. How Leo wished to rip the bandages off and stare at the bruises, to sit in the pain he deserved, to stare at them until his eyes fell out. It’d be his punishment for hurting his brothers again. Leo fought himself every day, to never harm his brothers with his ego and carelessness, and yet the darkest parts of him were stronger.

Maybe he really was nothing more than a scientific experiment gone wrong.

Mikey spoke softly, “I miss our late-night talks.”

Leo looked at Mikey confused, “You do?”

Mikey wasn’t always the family therapist. He had learned it from Leo, who started practicing mental health after basic medicine.

It used to be Leo the brothers would go to when they couldn’t sleep, knowing he’d be awake. It used to be Leo they all leaned on when Splinter started training Raph. It was Leo who comforted his brothers and hugged them when they had a bad day, or a bad fight with another brother.

Leo had forgotten all of it long ago, but he missed when his brothers had trusted him with their broken hearts.

But, Mikey sat in front of him again, with his heart broken and he wasn’t asking for Donnie this time, he was asking for Leo.

Leo pushed away the white bandages and leaned back casually, “What’s wrong, Mikey?”

Tears started brimming in Mikey’s eyes, “I miss you, Leo. I miss the way things used to be.”

Leo didn't even realize he was holding his arms out until Mikey engulfed him in a hug. Leo didn’t know how it was possible to feel a deeper sense of guilt, one that flooded his mind and weighed on his limbs, but as Mikey cried in his arms, Leo had never felt worse.

“I hated those two years, where you and Raph were always mad at each other. Donnie had to reassure me so many times that you still loved each other, but then you would start to argue again and I didn’t believe him for so long.”

Leo felt himself freeze at Mikey's words. He didn’t think Leo loved Raph anymore? Had he been so awful that his brothers could truly believe he would stop loving them? Was he so awful that it was easy to believe someone who was meant to love him forever would stop? Or… did they believe he didn’t deserve their love?

He had believed it, but he never truly thought he would see his brothers believe it as well. It was something that was only whispered in the dark recesses of his mind, but he knew that, on some level, it wasn’t true. At least, he thought he knew that.

But now wasn’t the time to slip into a spiral, not when there was a crying turtle in his arms.

“Mikey, I will never stop loving Raph, or you, or Donnie. You guys are my family,” Mikey looked up at Leo, tears still in his eyes, “I will always love my family, and I’ll do anything for you. Always.”

Mikey looked at Leo conflicted and nodded his head. “I love you, big bro.” Mikey yawned as he stood up and headed towards the door, “I’ll do anything for you, too” Leo watched as Mikey held his own hand, dark green skin covered by black and orange gloves, “Always.”

And out the door he went, leaving Leo all alone with half-wrapped hands. Something splashed on Leo’s leg, and he looked down. It was water. No, not water. Leo gently touched his cheek, and they came back wet.

Tears.

He was crying.

Leo didn’t stop crying that night.

–

It’s been a week, and Leo’s nightmares have left him gasping for air too many times to even try and sleep tonight. If he even could, his insomnia has only allowed him a few hours. What was the point of trying to sleep if he never felt rested?

Leo stood in the training room, they still hadn’t found a replacement for the dummy Leo destroyed. So, he just threw punches into the air, pretending there was something for his fist to land on. Something soft yet strong, taking the impact of blow after blow.

Leo attempted a roundhouse as his big brother walked into the room. “Leo!’ Raph said, far too loud for so late at night.

In shock, Leo lost his balance and landed on his plastron, hitting his nose on the ground.

Raph very quickly went from irritated to worried as he ran towards Leo, “Leo! Are you okay?”

Are you okay?

Leo nodded as he pushed himself up, “yeah, yeah, I’m fine, Raph.”

Leo stood up and looked up at Raph, who watched him with concern. “Everything okay, Raph?”

Raph looked down and nodded, “Yeah, I just… ah, it’s nothin’.”

Leo felt alarms go off in his head, that everything was in fact, not okay.

“What’s up, Raphie?”

Raph looked at Leo and sighed. “I heard you training… and well, it’s been so long since we’ve trained together.” Leo knew how long it’d been, and why they stopped. “I was hoping you’d wanna train with a partner?”

How long had it been? Two and a half years.

Leo felt exhaustion weighing on him, and he stared at his big brother. Oh, how he missed him.

“I’d love to beat you, Raph,” Leo said with a smirk.

Raph glared at Leo, but there was a trace of a smirk on his face.

They got ready to fight, this time with weapons, and they each got in their stance.

Leo’s sword and ōdachi felt heavy in his hands, but he waived off any doubt he had.

Leo swung first, but Raph blocked the hit with his tōnfa and then swung towards Leo’s side with his other hand. Leo gasped in pain, causing Raph to pause, but he immediately got back into the fight as Leo swung downwards with both swords.

Raph blocked them both upwards and swung towards Leo’s stomach. He expected him to double over – Leo didn’t double over. Leo felt his feet leave the ground as his arms flew forward, body backward. Next thing he knew, Leo felt a rush of pain as he landed on his shell, twenty feet from where he was standing, and his head hit the ground.

“Leo!” Raph yelled, dropping his weapons and running towards Leo.

Leo groaned in pain, once again, as he sat up.

He laughed softly, “Where have I seen this before?”

“I’m so sorry, Leo! Are you hurt? What did you hit? Did you hit your head? I’m going to go get Donnie!” Raph panicked, and Leo reached out and grabbed Raph’s wrist before he woke up Donnie, who was sleeping for the first time in three days.

“I’m okay, Raph. Don’t forget, I’m the medic of the team. Let Donnie sleep.” 

“Are you sure? I can bring you to the med bay if you need anything. Again, I’m so so sorry.”

“I’m sure, Raph.” Leo winced slightly as he moved his head too fast, “And don’t apologize, you didn’t do anything wrong. I should’ve dodged the hit.”

Raph looked at Leo with a guilty expression, and Leo just sighed.

Why didn’t he understand Leo deserved this? He wasn’t training hard enough and couldn’t dodge the hit. The second fight he lost since they fought Kraang – it should be none. Leo should be strong enough to beat any foe who comes his way.

Raph loudly plopped onto the floor in front of Leo. “I should have never asked to spar with you, Leo.”

Leo looked up at Raph in surprise, and a little hurt, “What? Why?”

“Because… because well I’m the big brother, Leo. It’s my job to protect all of you, not be the one you need protecting from.” The last sentence was so quiet, Leo struggled to hear it, but he did and wished he hadn’t.

Leo sighed, and brought his knees to his chest, as he looked at his big brother who reminded Leo of a large ship, drifting out in the middle of the sea, with no port to go to and no land to call home.

“It wasn’t you,” Leo said, watching his brother look at him confused.

“What?”

Leo gently put a hand around his throat. When he first came home, dark purple bruises created a large ring around his neck, and it was only when he covered them that Raph was able to look him in the eye again.

“It wasn’t you. On the Technodrome.” Leo placed a hand on Raph’s knee, “You would never hurt me. I know that.”

Raph closed his eyes and looked away from Leo. “But I would. I did. Earlier that day, Donnie had to hold me back after I sent you flying through a wall. And that wasn’t the first time we got physical during an argument, Leo.” Raph’s voice broke when he said Leo’s name, and tears started gathering in his eyes. “I’ve hurt you so much, ‘Nardo. Donnie told me that Mikey thought we didn’t love each other anymore and- and-” Raph started to sob in front of Leo, who stared at his older brother, lost on how to make him feel better.

Leo just let him cry and sat there in comfortable, bittersweet silence.

Eventually, Raph ran out of tears. He took a deep breath, “You’re my little brother, Leo. I’ve always loved you, from your first words to now and until after I’m no longer here. I’m so sorry if you have ever doubted that.”

Leo stared at Raph, at a loss for words. The stabbing thoughts that he kept locked started to crawl out, tearing Leo apart for ever making his big brother feel bad. Leo knew he deserved every hit Raph had given him. He’d been a horrible brother for years, it’s no wonder Raph had punished him for it.

But now wasn’t the time to think about Leo, it was the time to comfort Raph. So, Leo did the first thing he could think of and just hugged Raph, as tight as he could around the big green softie. Leo truly didn’t deserve Raph as a brother, he was too good, too loving. And Leo was too selfish, too stubborn.

“I’ll always love you too, big brother,” Leo said softly.

Raph smiled as tears started to run down his cheeks again, and he hugged Leo tightly.

Leo didn’t care that it seemed to make the pain in his lower middle shell area worse, or that his mind screamed at him that he didn’t deserve this. Leo knew he was selfish and egotistical. So, for right now, he was done fighting the worst parts of himself and let himself enjoy Raph’s warm hug, as it washed away the dark thoughts in Leo’s mind.

Had Raph not pulled away, Leo could have fallen asleep right there, soaking up his brother’s warmth.

But nothing lasts forever, not even his brother’s hugs, not the warmth, and not the peace.

–

Leo laid on his bed, staring at the ceiling, hoping for a single moment of calm, relaxing sleep. But none came, just dead silence and faint footsteps. There was a single knock at the door, and Leo knew exactly who it was.

“Come in, Don.”

Donnie walked in quietly and laid opposite Leo on the bed, heads next to each other, but feet opposite ends. Donnie also stared at the ceiling, neither speaking.

“Can’t sleep?” Leo asked, almost in a whisper.

“Not even a wink.” Donnie groaned, “You?”

“Same here.”

Leo laughed to himself, “Of all the things we could share as twins, it had to be insomnia.”

Donnie chuckled, “I think you gave it to us.”

Leo snorted, “No way. Not sleeping? Totally a smart guy thing to do.”

Donnie chuckled and looked at Leo, who was stuck staring up. “You’re smart too, Leo.”

Leonardo laughed softly, “You’re just saying that so you can blame me for our insomnia.”

Donnie nodded, “True. But,” He fully looked at Leo, now, “you’re also really smart.”

Leo knew Donnie was trying to be genuine, but he couldn’t accept the compliment without feeling like some kind of liar.

Leo still tried to smile at his brother, feeling like a fake the entire time. But really, when had he ever been genuine with his brothers?

“Not as smart as you, Don.”

Donnie gave a small smile and looked back up at the ceiling. “I have nightmares of that day,” Donnie said so low had it not been so quiet, Leo would have never heard.

Leo slightly tensed, wondering why Donnie was telling him this. He didn’t know what to say, so they both said nothing.

“I know you’ve been having them, too,” Donnie said, staring at Leo – as if he was asking Leo to prove him wrong.

Leo just chuckled instead, “Oh yeah? How do you know?”

“The training dummy.”

Leo was now tensed all over and tried to avoid his twin’s knowing gaze.

“What does that have to do with anything?” Leo asked in a low voice.

“I’ve never been interested in practicing with it. For the longest time, Mikey still had a shake and couldn’t use it. Raph doesn’t train at night.” Donnie glanced at Leo out of the corner of his eye, “Leaving you.”

Leo felt annoyance enter his brain as his brother basically psycho-analyzed him. “Okay, sure, it was me. That doesn’t mean I have nightmares.”

“That level of damage doesn’t happen from a few nights of insomnia. That is from someone training every night, Leo.”

Leo could hear the irritation in Donnie’s voice, but he didn’t care. He didn’t care about anything, he didn’t care about the nightmares or the dummy or the voices or the beating of his heart. He didn’t care. He just wanted Donnie to stop. He just wanted everything to stop.

“So what, Donnie? Okay fine, I had a few nightmares. But they’re fine. I’m fine. Just leave it alone.” Leo sat up and pulled his knees to his chest, looking away from Donnie.

“No, Leo. I want you to tell me what’s wrong.”

Time seemed to be going faster as Leo’s heart tried to jump out of his chest. He became painfully aware of his breathing, how it seemed to be getting slightly faster.

“I’m fine, Donnie.”

“Why won’t you let me help you?”

Why do you care?

“Why do you want to? Huh?” Leo whipped around to see his twin, “Nothing is wrong. I’m fine!”

“Because I’m tired of feeling useless, ‘Nardo!” Donnie yelled, pricks of tears bubbling in his eyes.

Leo felt the heat inside his chest and his mind slow for a second as he processed what his brother just said.

“What?”

Donnie breathed out, his eyes narrowed down and fists clenched, “I- I feel so useless, Leo.” He looked at Leo. “You almost died. And I- I couldn’t do anything other than watch .”

Leo looked at his brother shocked, “Donnie-”

“What use is being the ‘smart one’ if you can’t do anything when the people you love need you?”

Leo grabbed Donnie by the shoulders, “Donnie, stop.” Donnie stared at Leo with tears still in his eyes. Leo spoke again, trying his best to reassure his brother, “You helped save me. Without you, the Kraang would have dragged me back into the prison dimension, and I wouldn’t be here right now.”

Donnie shook his head, “No I-”

“ You and our brothers are the reason I’m still here, Donnie.”

Leo may not have liked how true his statement was, knowing that their lives would be better had they left him, but he was not going to let his brother think he didn’t do enough to save him.

“You coached April and Dad through stitching me up and stopping the blood flow when I passed out. You comforted Mikey for two years when Raph and I couldn’t see past our own emotions. You have been the savior of this family more times than I can count. You, Donatello, are a great brother and a great hero.”

The tears started flowing as Donnie wrapped Leo in a hug, the salty tears staining his face as he sobbed into Leo’s shoulder.

“I owe you my life, Don Don.”

How Leo wished there was no life to owe, to spare his brother the pain and frustration of seeing his walking mistake of a twin. Maybe if he had died, his brothers would be happier. They could have mourned the loss and moved on, but now Leo was just prolonging the pain.

“I love you, Leo,” Donnie whispered.

Leo didn’t.

“I love you, too, Donnie.”

Donnie eventually fell asleep, but Leo couldn’t seem to keep his eyes closed. The thoughts he kept shoved down into the darkest parts of himself with the other unsavory pieces found their way to the surface.

And this time, there were so warm hugs, salty tears, or pristine bandages to keep them away.

Leo knew his brothers’ love for him wouldn’t last forever. He knew they would likely never mean to stop loving him, but Leo knew that someone could only love an egotistical, fuck-up for so long.

But all of them coming to him for comfort just made him feel worse for wanting to reach out to them for comfort. How could he be so selfish to want them to focus on Leo and Leo’s problems? Especially when they have their own problems and their own issues.

How self-centered could one turtle be?

Chapter Text

Leo has simply stopped eating regularly.

After a few days, the pain in his stomach would become nothing more than a dull throb. He tried, he really did, to eat every day. But anyone would get tired of the same taste of bile in their throat. A taste that came up every time the wind blew too hard or the voices in his head were just screaming too loud. He no longer had the need to expel everything in his body when something happened to remind him of what happened. But the ghost of the feeling of something coming up out of his throat was enough to spark a reaction in him.

He was still getting no sleep, and Donnie's eyes started burning through Leo's skull. The bags under his eyes felt like neon signs, drawing the worried looks of everyone who saw him. But he could avoid knowing looks and burning gazes if he wasn't home to feel them. Good thing he specialized in sneaking out every night. 

Leo sat atop the apartment building, looking at all of New York. The city glowed with thousands of flashing lights, buzzing like the night sky with makeshift stars. The air nipped at his skin, the smell tried to choke him with smog and fried food, and the city made a symphony of sound – a chorus of life.

This is what Leo saved.

The buildings reminded him of a toddler standing on their tip-toes. Little hands reaching for the sky, tiny fingers barely missing the sunbeams that shone from above. The people below him all had their own lives. Own thoughts, feelings, friends. Families. Leo was such a small part of everything, a little turtle in a big city, a big country, and an even bigger universe.

They were all a blink of an eye to the cosmos. It was almost silly to believe that Leo really ever mattered in it all.

The cosmos would blink again, and Leo would be dead all over again. Another villain would be there, but would there be anyone to stop him? Did it matter? Was it worth it? Leo had barely stopped his own bad guy, and he still suffered from the scars. The scars that should have been his alone from the beginning had spread to his brothers, like a disease. As if being around Leo was the cause of the infection of pain and misery in their lives.

Would it all be a blink as well?

Leo looked down - the dark alley below made the fall seem thousands of feet tall. How quickly could a moment end? How quickly could a legend die in the hearts of the ones who reveled in his presence? How easily could a hero be taken away?

Leo stood up, and he felt the wind blowing him softly. Like he was a leaf on a tree in the coming fall. Brown and dead, clinging onto the tree by a small, green stem. When does holding on become more painful than letting go? Leo stared down into the abyss, feeling like there was a weight tied around his waist. Hanging off the edge of the building, waving in the same wind that called him down below.

Do it.

Leo felt as if a bucket of ice-cold water was thrown on him, shocking his nerves with sudden feeling, and he took several steps back, away from the edge. Leo stared at the periphery, less in morbid curiosity and more in shocked horror. Was he actually about to- No. No, he was fine. Just his stupid head saying crazy things. All it was.

That's all it was.

Leo's phone went off, and he suddenly remembered he had somewhere to be. So, Leo hopped from roof to roof, ignoring how the feeling of weightlessness seemed to stay intertwined in between his arms and legs. As if they craved the feeling.

–

Leo slowly nursed his new piece of pizza, hoping no one noticed when he threw away whole slices and grabbed new ones. Before, he could easily eat an entire pizza alone. So what if he couldn't stomach a single piece now?

Casey tried to dodge his mom, who was trying to take his piece of pizza. April laughed while recording the fight. Donnie leaned over to her and whispered something in her ear, which she happily agreed to, whatever it was.

Leo signed Mikey's card for April, putting a little heart by his signature. It was a celebration card. The whole reason everyone was here tonight. April had passed all her classes this year and was now a junior in college. Raph wanted to celebrate, claiming they hadn't all gotten together in so long, and this was special.

Casey Sr. happily munched on her won slice of pizza as Casey Jr. glared at her. April laughed, shaking her head, and walked over to Leo.

"How does it feel knowing Casey beat your star pupil?" She asked with a smirk.

Leo smirked back, "Not surprised. Casey Senior over there could beat anyone if she wanted, too."

Hearing her name, Cassandra grinned at Leo. "Better believe it! Nothing beats the original!" She laughed as Casey rolled his eyes.

"No way. Master Leonardo could easily beat you, Mom."

Cassandra playfully rolled her eyes, "He better. He is the 'world's greatest ninja' after all."

Leo knew she meant it as a joke, but he couldn't ignore the sting he felt as she made fun of one of the biggest compliments he'd ever received. He knew it wasn't true, that he could never be that great, but it was still nice to think of when he was having a bad day.

He ignored the echoes of doubt in his mind and laughed with her, "Yeah, I am, and you all better believe it."

Donnie snorted from the kitchen, "Yeah, yeah. Come take out the trash, Mr.' World's Greatest Ninja.'"

Leo groaned as he walked over to the pile of pizza boxes, "Do I have to?"

"You did eat two of them by yourself," Mikey chimed in.

Great, so by trying to keep them from getting worried, Leo took away an obscene amount of food from his family. Could he do anything right today? What a fuck up.

Leo chuckled and grabbed the stack of boxes. "Fair enough, little brother." Leo headed towards the door and looked back at his family with a smile, "Heh, maybe I'll throw myself in, too."

Noticing the worried looks, he quickly grabbed the most squished box and held it up, "This one can be Donnie."

Donnie looked up, insulted, and Mikey snickered from the couch. "Why would that one be me ?"

Leo smirked, "Looks the most like you."

Mikey and Casey Jr. laughed as Donnie's eyebrows raised halfway up his forehead. "How do I look anything like a smashed pizza box?"

Leo shrugged his shoulders and giggled as he left the lair.

–

He unceremoniously dropped the boxes into the nearest dumpster and turned to leave before glancing back at the dumpster. It really would have been funny if he jumped in with the rest of the trash. Maybe he'd even be taken away again. Forever perhaps this time.

No. No, Leo had to get home. He knew April wanted to play him in some video games. He had to do that.

Leo jumped down the ladder, deep into the sewers, and dashed home, ready to destroy his siblings in a round of Mario Kart.

When he arrived, Mike had finished setting up the console. Cass bought it for them about a year ago when she found out they had nothing to play on. Donnie begged to upgrade it or build a better one, but Mikey and Raph convinced him not to. They valued the sentiment behind it and wanted to cherish it.

"Ready to see my smoke, 'Nardo?" Mikey asked, holding a blue controller.

Leo laughed, "No way. All you're gonna see is my blue shell, taking you out."

April cackled with a mischievous grin, "You both know I'm gonna crush y'all, right?"

"Ha! Sure thing, Commander O'Neil," Leo joked, "Whatever makes the loss easier."

April shoved him, and they all quickly started playing. Leo, for the first time in a while, felt as if there wasn't a constant weight sitting on his chest. Instead, he felt as if he could take bigger breaths, and it wouldn't hurt. It was a nice feeling.

He looked at Mikey's screen and saw he was almost in first. Leo smiled as he got Mikey's attention, "Hey Mikey, wanna hear a joke about paper?" Mikey glanced at him in confusion as Leo smirked, "Nevermind, it's tearable."

Both of them deadpanned at Leo, and April spoke first. "Leo, that was awful. Even for you."

Leo smirked as he zoned into the game. "Well, I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."

Mikey groaned as Leo laughed. "Raph! Make Leo stop! He's making puns again!"

Raph walked into the room with Donnie. "Leo, you know you can't use puns to win anymore."

Leo laughed, "sorry, must have forgotten after all the hits to the head."

Their older brothers leaned in the doorway, and the last three siblings raced to the end, Leo barely ahead of Mikey. Mikey tried to kick Leo to mess him up, but Leo dodged him and laughed as he crossed the finish line.

"Yes!" Leo did his victory dance as Mikey and April groaned on the couch in their defeat.

"That's so not fair! You hit me with a shell!" April accused Leo, who just shrugged.

"Mess with the turtle. Get the shell."

April crossed her arms, and Mikey covered his face with his hands, groaning still at his loss. "This is why I never play with you! You always win!"

Donnie smiled as he rolled his eyes in the doorway, and Raph reached forward with a sympathetic pat on the shoulder.

Leo laughed, still doing his little dance. "Well, Mikey, maybe if you had left me in the prison dimension, you'd have more wins under your belt."

Leo finished his dance, giggling at his joke, and looked at his family. He had been expecting to see annoyed (but still loving) eye rolls.

He didn't see that when he looked up.

All of his siblings looked at Leo in some varying degree of horror. That feeling was back. He looked at his family, confused. What had he said wrong?

"Wh- what?" Leo asked, confused; his hands dropped to his side as he racked his brain, trying to figure out what he did wrong.

"What do you mean, Leo?" Raph asked Leo cautiously, almost scared. Was there something wrong? Why was everyone being so weird right now?

Was this about his joke?

"You know… If you had left me in the prison dimension, I wouldn't be here to beat Mikey. He'd win more often." Leo glanced at his little brother's gloves, "He also wouldn't have to fight his shake."

They all just kept staring at him. "I don't know…." Leo muttered, trying to save his joke that didn't land apparently, "I thought it was funny."

"What?" Donnie asked, no longer leaning against the door frame. Instead, he stood upright, posture rigid. Right as he asked the question, the Caseys walked into the room.

Casey Jr. noticed the tension in the room and looked around, "Uh… what happened?" Casey Sr. was less perceptive as she quickly asked who had won.

Leo felt the walls close in, swearing he could hear the slow scrape on the floor as they moved closer. It was funny because it was true, so why was no one laughing?

"Are you being serious, Leo?" April asked, slowly getting up from the couch, her hand slightly reaching out in front of her.

"I mean," Leo looked at them nervously, arms crossed in front of his plastron, "I mean, yeah, that's part of the joke."

Casey Jr. leaned toward Donnie, whispering, "Uh, what joke?"

Donnie glared at Leo, "The joke where Leo said he thinks we should have left him to die ."

Now, both of the Caseys looked at Leo in alarm. He stared at them, eyes flipping between all the faces in the room, all staring at him like he was some cornered animal. Like he needed any more attention.

April's cool hand found its way to his lower arm, and Leo focused on her and her close-knit eyebrows and soft eyes. "Leo-" She started, but he didn't want to hear it.

He didn't want to hear anything. Leo didn't even know why he ever opened his big mouth.

"No! I'm fine!" He tried to slow his breathing, "I get it, okay? It wasn't funny, sorry."

April opened her mouth to say something else, but Leo just ripped his arm out of her grasp and walked away from her. The walls were surrounding him now, pushing his head in, pushing against his chest, pushing his arm, touching his body. Touching him again and again. Why was everything touching him?!

Leo turned to leave the room. He heard Raph calling for him, but he just wanted to be away from them. All of them. The walls and the dark alleys and the video games and everything. All of it. He just wanted to be alone.

He heard Splinter calling for all of them. All of them except him. Except for Leo.

Chapter Text

Leo stared at his hands, feeling the slow drag of time as he flexed his fingers. He felt the subtle shift of bone beneath green skin, watching it stretch and change as his hand moved.

He just stayed there, unmoving and uncaring, body so racked with emotion that Leo felt nothing instead. As if there was a gaping hole in his chest, waiting. Waiting for anything.

A shaky breath came out, and Leo felt tears prick in his eyes.

God, he just wanted it all to be over.

He heard the commotion outside, his family waking up and moving around. He wished he could join them, but any sleep last night resulted in the feeling of cold hands wrapped around his throat and constricted lungs.

You can't even do the most basic thing a living creature can do.

What a fucking failure.

Leo shut his eyes and placed his hands on his head, begging for anything other than this.

Why would anyone ever love you? A walking disappointment. You can barely take care of yourself, and you can't even do the one job you have on the team.

Be a leader.

Tears flooded Leo's eyes as he tried to will away the voices in his head. The ones who knew all the worst parts of him and how horrible he truly was.

Look at you. You're so annoying. Can you think about anyone else for more than five seconds? Of course, you want to be the center of attention, but what did you do to deserve it?

Leo knew the answer; he didn't deserve it. And yet, the second he hears his brothers, he starts crying like a child asking for all their love and attention that he did nothing to deserve. He was such an attention-whore.

Do you even deserve anything you have?

Leo shook his head, tears rushing down his face.

You don't deserve those swords.

No, he didn't.

You don't deserve your friends or family.

He didn't.

You didn't deserve to be saved.

Poor Mikey, forever scarred by Leo. Raph will never look the same.

You don't deserve any of the love you have ever received.

Why should someone who only spreads pain and misery be loved?

You don't deserve the life you have.

Any other turtle would have been a better fit for his brothers and team. It was the luck of the draw, and Draxum picked wrong.

You don't deserve to be alive. You never have.

No. No, he didn't. 

Leo wiped his tears, trying to stop the flow down his face. Leo knew it would have been better for everyone if he had never existed, but his brothers kept trying to lie to him and convince him they were better with him there. But how could they?

With how much he worries them – his bad jokes, his lack of sleep, and his inability to convince them he was okay.

He really was okay. So, why did they refuse to believe him? Did they expect him to lie? To be a bad brother?

He truly was awful in every way.

Leo slunk into his shell, listening only to the voices in his head and the sound of his crying. He never heard the door open.

He did hear the door close, though. He popped his head out of his shell at the sound. Feeling a chill down his spine and his heart stop.

Who just came in?

A second voice spoke up inside him, and Leo could feel a wide grin and sharp teeth take over his mind.

You can't even cry right. So desperate for attention you'll cry in front of the people who are worse off than you. Do you think you matter at all?

Of course, you don't.

Leo silently told them to shut up while sliding back into his shell.

Same issues, same Leo. Still not listening to the ones around you. My opinion has value, too. 

It's your own, after all. 

Leo begged for it to stop.

For it all to just stop.

You know how to make it all stop.

How to get rid of us.

Do it.

Leo cried harder as it got more difficult to ignore the burning words. His skin stung with heat and blood. His arms felt alive as his hands clenched around them, nails digging in deep.

A scream stayed lodged in his throat as he curled in on himself, shaking as he closed his eyes tighter, trying to will away the neverending tears.

A knock at the door fell on deaf ears, Raph's voice carrying through the air.

"Leo! I need a response from you before I take down this door."

Leo opened his eyes, seeing only a dark shell around him, touching him all over. 

Another knock.

"Leo!" Raph said through the door as if he was begging Leo to respond. "I need something to know you're okay."

Okay. Okay.

Are you okay?

Leo left his shell and tried to speak, but his throat still burned, and every word hurt. He sighed and knocked hard on the wall behind him, hoping it was loud enough for Raph to hear.

Raph sighed, and there was a dull thud on the door. "One knock for no, two for yes. Okay?"

Leo knocked twice.

"Can I come in?"

One knock.

"Are you okay?"

Leo paused, ignoring the echo in his mind. Two knocks.

"Can you talk?"

Leo paused, trying to speak, but it just hurt, but if he really tried, he could.

Two knocks.

"Do you need me to stay?"

Yes.

One knock.

Leo was fine. Raph had more important things. He wasn't five anymore; he didn't need his big brother.

Raph hesitated before asking another question. "Are you sure, Leo? I don't mind."

No. No, he wasn't.

Two knocks.

Raph sighed, "Okay, 'Nardo. I- I'm right here if you need me. We all are."

Leo closed his eyes as he sunk back into his shell, fading footsteps in the background.

He didn't need Raph. He didn't. He didn't need the warm, tight hugs. He didn't need the concerned looks. He didn't need the comforting words he also knew Raph had. He didn't need the feeling of a father—none of it.

Leo was fine.

He was so, so, so very fine.

Leo's chest shook as he suppressed a sob, heart beating like thunder inside his chest. Trickles of blood ran down his arm, some trapped beneath his nails.

Leo swallowed the scream that built inside him, fighting his lungs to release it into the air. Instead, it stayed inside, encompassed by his mind. For the first time, the scream had stopped. It was a single scream now. Filled with agony and frustration and longing and grief.

The agony of pain all over his body, filling every scale and pore, intertwined with his very being. Frustration with how he could never do anything right and failed at everything he did. Longing for his family and the love he had done nothing to earn. Grief for who he was before everything that happened. Before he had been broken. The scream filled every piece of him. Making him forget everything that wasn't here with him. Forget the love and happiness he once had, that he used to say he could have without guilt.

The scream was his own.

Chapter Text

Leo leaped over the rooftops, surrounded by his team. He watched as Meat Sweats took sharp turns through the streets of New York. If he kept driving like that, he would seriously hurt someone.

"Donnie," Leo called out to his twin, "throw up a field to stop Meat Sweats!"

Donnie nodded and flew off toward the fading van. They needed to find a way to take Meat Sweats down before he could lay a single hit on any of them.

"Mikey! Casey!" They acknowledged Leo, "I'm going to portal you to Donnie. You need to take out Meat Sweats before he realizes what's happening! Can you do it?"

They nodded, and Leo smiled. He quickly opened a glowing blue portal, and the two boys jumped through. Leo watched as a blue portal opened right above Donnie, and two figures fell through, swinging through the air.

The last two turtles and April continued to vault over buildings when Leo noticed all the damage left behind by Meat Sweats.

"April! Raph!" Leo pointed to the street below, "You need to make sure no one is hurt! Meat Sweats left a lot of damage trying to escape!"

April nodded and made her way down, but Raph stayed behind Leo. "Are you sure, Leo? You might need my help with making sure Meat Sweats is taken down."

Leo nodded, "Mikey and Casey have got it! Those people need your help more than we do!"

Raph looked at Leo concerned but eventually nodded and made his way into the street. Leo watched as his team all handled the mess Meat Sweats left behind, trying to escape with some Golden Knife reward, whatever it was. Mikey said it was some kind of cooking award.

He watched as they all executed their jobs perfectly, barely needing Leo. He was so close to the van he could have made a portal, but they didn't need him. They would be fine.

They would have been fine without you.

Leo felt himself pause. No, no, no, not now. He had been fighting the empty feeling in his chest all day, so please, not now.

Can't even focus for a few minutes—what a crappy leader.

Leo shook his head, trying to focus on the pound of his feet as he raced towards the crashed van.

Why rush? They're doing fine without you.

The empty feeling increased, and Leo felt himself slow down. No. Leo pushed himself harder, lungs straining as he ran faster.

Failure.

Leo groaned and reached the edge of the building. As he jumped down, his mind started fighting back, and he lost focus. He lost his balance and fell through the air, hearing Mikey yell.

He grabbed his sword and faced the ground as he tried to open a portal. But suddenly, he heard a yell and a groan. Leo looked up to see Meat Sweats swinging his hammer toward Mikey, who was watching Leo fall.

Mikey went flying, and Leo saw red. He threw his sword at Meat Sweats, and in an instant, he flew feet-first into Meat Sweats' chest. His body pitched into the door of his van, and Leo ran to Mikey, who wasn't moving.

"Mikey!" Leo yelled, holding his baby brother in his arms. Donnie looked at them both with wide eyes, and Leo swallowed the bile in his throat. "Casey! Leave him for the police!"

Casey nodded, and Donnie immediately knocked Meat Sweats over the head, and they strung him up but his feet. Donnie ran to Leo and looked over Mikey, whose arm had a concerning amount of blood.

"Fuck," Leo whispered. He looked at his twin, "Call Raph now ."

–

Raph gently placed Mikey on the med bay table, his tourniquets dark red. Leo ran around the room, grabbing everything he could think of. Donnie was hooking up Mikey to the heart rate monitor he had fixed up years ago.

Raph, April, Casey, and Splinter all watched as Leo pushed back Donnie and commanded him around the med bay. Quickly pain meds were administered as Leo cleaned all the dried blood.

Several deep puncture wounds turned gashes raced up and down their youngest brother's arm. Deep, bloody red gashes showed jagged muscle and sinew beneath dark green skin. Puncture wounds blended into torn skin perfectly. Why were they on such a small arm? Donnie forced himself to look away from the damage, and Leo felt tears building in his eyes. Mikey started to stir, and Leo cursed as he quickly cleaned out all the dips in his brother's arm. Donnie put Mikey back to sleep as Leo doused the wounds in disinfectant as he went. Finally, Donnie sewed up the gash end of the injuries, keeping the stitches good and tight.

They worked in silence for almost four hours, the rest of the family forced out of the room long ago.

Once everything was sewn up, Leo worked to cover them all with antibiotics and good, tight wrapping. Donnie collapsed on the floor with a sigh when they were done, but Leo didn't dare to move from his younger brother's side.

He withdrew in on himself, tears coming back after being shoved down for so long. He clenched the bed sheets in his hand, feeling himself shake as he tried to hold back the tears in his eyes.

I'm so so so sorry, Mikey.

Fuck.

I really am just a screw-up. I failed you, oh mi gosh, I failed all of you.

I'm trying so hard to be the leader you need me to be, and I just can't. I'm not enough.

Leo placed his head on the sheets and felt a cold hand on his shoulder.

He turned slightly, and Donnie looked at him, eyebrows knit as he stared at Leo with worry.

Donnie didn't even have to ask as he slightly opened his arms, and Leo took the invitation.

I can't do this anymore. I can't. I- I'm not strong enough anymore. But they want me here… but am I doing more harm than good?

Leo looked at Mikey lying on the med bay, left arm completely covered in white bandages. Mikey got hurt today because he was worried about Leo. Because Leo messed up. This was all his fault.

Donnie held Leo's shoulders, and Leo swallowed down his tears.

Maybe if… if someone knew, they could help him convince everyone else not to be worried.

"Donnie…" Leo spoke, voice hoarse.

Donnie let go of Leo and watched him, and if Leo fooled himself enough, he could swear he saw hope in his brother's eyes.

"I have something to tell you," Leo said, throat still burning. He was going to need something to drink if he did this. "But, let me go get some water first. Okay?"

Donnie nodded, "Okay, Leo. I'll be right here." Leo gave his twin a small smile and walked to the kitchen.

–

Leo leaned his head against the cool fridge, taking a deep breath, trying to silence the voices in the back of his trying to convince him this was a bad idea. He knew Donnie likely wouldn't care about what Leo told him. The nightmares, the lack of sleep, the throwing up, the flashbacks, the numbness to eat, and the voices. None of it mattered. Leo knew that.

But if he was going to lose his cool on missions, he was a liability. One they needed to let go of, and Donnie would be able to explain to his family why he was right, and they would respect his wishes.

Maybe if Leo stopped going on missions, they would realize how useless he was and finally admit how much of a burden he was on everyone. With a sigh, Leo drank the rest of his water and started to walk toward the med bay, another glass in hand for Donnie.

Except, Raph stopped him. "How is Mikey doin'," Raph asked, his voice unnaturally level and calm.

Leo slightly nodded his head, "he'll be okay. It was, uh, it was a nasty hit."

Raph just stared at Leo, "yeah. Yeah, it was."

He kept staring at Leo, eyes slowly narrowing, and Leo felt chills down his back.

"I have a question, Leonardo," Raph asked, and Leo could feel his body tense up. Raph very rarely called Leo by his full name, and none of those times were enjoyable.

They both happened during those two years.

"Uh, sure, Raph. What's up?"

Raph took a step forward and leaned close, "What. The. Fuck. Is wrong with you?"

Time stopped as Leo stared up at his older brother. Donnie came running out of the room because of the sound of crashing glass.

Leo could barely speak as his heart twisted and turned in his throat, stopping the emotionless sob from escaping. "What," Leo asked, looking at Raph.

"You heard me. What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Donnie ran forward to try and stop Raph, but it was too late.

"Nothing is wrong with me."

Raph sneered, unaffected by Donnie's shoves. "Liar."

"Look, I'm sorry, Raph. I really am," Leo almost pleaded, "I fell, and Mikey got distracted."

"Why did you fall," Raph pushed, refusing to let go of the conversation.

Donnie's begs to walk away fell on deaf ears.

"I lost my balance, okay? I never meant for-"

"For Mikey to get hurt?" Raph scoffed, "you never mean for anyone to get hurt, Leo. And yet, here we are."

Leo felt a spark within his chest come to life, "What do you mean by that, Raphael?"

"I mean, we have ten times more injuries sustained under you as the leader than when I was the team leader."

The spark roared to life as a fire inside Leo's chest, all the negative emotions he kept under lock and key feeding the blaze inside him. "Are you being serious right now?"

They had gotten past this. They had gotten past this.

"Are you seriously jeopardizing the team because you won't deal with your issues?"

Donnie whipped around to look at Raph in fury as Leo felt his chest constrict and angry tears form in his eyes.

"Raph!" Donne yelled, but Raph's eyes stayed on Leo.

Leo opened his mouth to say anything, but how could he? His brother was right.

Mikey got hurt because Leo lost his focus because his mind decided that was the perfect time to point out all the obvious.

Tears stayed in Leo's eyes as the anger and hate inside of him burned hotter than the sun.

Do it.

Convince them why they should all abandon you.

Remind them of the monster you are.

"I hate you," Leo said, staring directly into Raph's eyes. He watched as they softened with surprise as Leo turned to leave.

Leo didn't care anymore. He didn't care about his little brother's blood beneath his fingernails, his twin's worried looks, or Raph's disappointment. None of it mattered.

Leo heard Donnie yelling at Raph, but who cared what was being said? Who cares about anything anymore? Mikey was hurt, and Leo's family was broken because of him.

What will the family fuck-up do now?

Finally do it?

Finally finish what Kraang started?

Leo shut the door behind him and let out a watery laugh. How funny was it? The most arrogant and annoying turtle was the most broken and damaged. How funny was it that he felt a dull pain in his heart every time he saw his family? How funny that he had never wanted to find that dark alley more than he did at this very second?

The watery laugh quickly dissolved into a broken sob that racked Leo's body, shaking his very core as Leo listened to his scream play on repeat in his mind, circling his brain like a little train track.

Why would anyone ever help a fuck-up like him?

He couldn't even respect Mikey's wishes and not fight with Raph.

What a fucking joke.

What the fuck is wrong with him?

Chapter Text

"You separated me from the team."

Leo looked around in confusion, ears stinging.

"You got Mikey hurt."

Leo cried as the voice screeched from inside his head.

"You should have never been picked as the leader."

Raph.

Leo covered his ears, the piercing screech making his ears bleed. He pulled his hands away to see black blood covering his hands.

Leo felt his feet give out beneath him, and the floor moved beneath him. He flipped through the air, falling too fast, too soon. He landed and watched his reflection as large metallic hands came and dragged him away into the darkness.

He tried to scream, but nothing came out. Leo reached out to his reflection but was powerless as he was taken away.

He was gone.

Leo felt weightless as he lay in the pitch-blackness. He tried to get up but felt like cement blocks were tied to his body, weighing him down.

He pulled and pushed, but the more he struggled, the more they weighed.

Leo felt his heart race, and he pushed himself harder. He had to get up. He had to leave.

The weight on his wrists increased, and Leo went to cry out in pain, but he couldn't.

He couldn't cry. Couldn't scream. No sound. No movement. 

Leo felt himself fade into nothingness, forever forgotten. Forever left alone.

It was better this way.

–

Leo sat up with a gasp.

He took a deep breath and relished the air in his lungs.

The peace was disrupted by a loud scream from the lair.

Leo jumped up and tried to run to the scream, but he couldn't.

Leo yelled as he tried to pull his feet.

" Leo !" Mikey yelled.

His heart raced as fast as his mind, and Leo pulled harder, feeling every pop and snap of the tendons in his feet. He didn't care. Mikey was in trouble.

Mikey let out a pained scream. Leo cried as he pushed harder to get out.

Suddenly, Leo felt a wet sludge on his feet as he screamed.

He screamed and screamed, but nothing came out. Instead, black sludge ran out of his mouth as Leo's feet slowly sank down.

Leo jumped in surprise, pulling at the stick on his face. He fell and landed in the black sludge.

Mikey screamed louder. Leo choked on more black sludge as his legs began to disappear.

Leo let go of his face and crawled away from the pit, pulling himself out as best he could.

"Leo! Please!"

Casey and April joined in. Leo could hear laughing that was heart-stopping.

No. No. No. Please no.

Metallic scraping cut off the screams of his family. Leo tried to scream as he kept pulling with all his might. But he only sank faster. Black sludge stayed shoved down his throat, cutting off all sound.

Large salty tears ran down Leo's cheeks as Donnie cried out. "You traitor !"

The sludge was up to Leo's neck now, and Leo tried to gasp for air, swallowing down blackness.

The last thing he saw was a large white smile, laughing as Leo died in front of him.

–

Leo fell.

He could only hear the rush of blood in his ears. Gusts of wind pushed past his face.

The ground stayed the same, but the rush of wind grew faster as Leo's heart jumped out of his chest, leaving him behind to die alone.

Leo fell with his plastron to the ground, feeling tears streaming out of his eyes into the air.

However, when he landed, he felt his shell crack all over again. A heavy weight pushed on Leo's chest, taking all the little air he had. Leo tried to push it off, but there was nothing there.

It was only Leo.

It was always only Leo.

God, he was so tired of Leo.

There was a tug on his shell, and suddenly Raph stood in front of him. They stood in the lair, bloody and bruised. Raph was mad. Mikey was crying. Where was Donnie? Where was everyone else?

Leo opened his mouth but was cut off by Raph.

"What was that, Leo?"

Huh? Leo looked down. Blood. So much blood. Where was Donnie?

His mouth moved of its own accord, "I did my best."

Raph glared at Leo, and Mikey tried to step in front of him.

"Raph, please."

"Your best isn't good enough, Leo."

Leo felt bile in his throat. Fuck, where was Donnie?

His mouth moved again, saying everything Leo didn't care about.

"I'm sorry, Raph."

"You're sorry?" Raph yelled, Mikey's eyes filled with tears. "Tell that to Donnie, who hasn't woken up in four hours!"

Leo was going to be sick. He remembered this. It was so long ago, but it felt like yesterday.

Raph grew in size, and Mikey melted away into a pile of tears.

"You were the worst pick for leader!"

Raph's booming voice filled Leo's mind. He tried to cover his ears but was stuck like a stone statue. Dead-faced and empty.

Soulless.

"Do you even care ?"

Leo's sobs wracked his mind, tears filling it to the brim. He couldn't hear anything other than Raph's angry screams.

" Leo !"

The red giant in front of him faded away as Leo's body was viciously shaken.

Incoherent screams filled the air as Leo felt himself being crushed by invisible walls.

Leo cried out in pain, feeling every bone bend and break under the pressure of the invisible stone.

His lungs popped inside his chest, his shell shattered like glass, and Leo felt his eyes rolling back. He choked on the air and felt the feeling of black sludge in his throat again.

He raised his broken arms and clawed at his throat, wishing to rip it open and feel the black sludge of his being spill all over the floor.

Chains shot from the floor and dragged him down to his knees, pulling away his hands. Leo's mind shook back and forth, jostling around like an empty balloon.

Leo kept crying, begging for anything other than this. He felt his mind finally give out as the black sludge entered his brain and drowned his blood in its pitch-black being.

He stopped shaking as the last of his air left his body. His body went cold. His heart slowed. His eyes closed slowly, and he felt himself fade into the void of death.

–

Leo shot up with a deep gasp. His chest shook, and tears kept pouring from his eyes.

He felt hands on his shoulders, and Leo quickly hit away whoever dared to break into his room. He let out a scream, stumbling out of his bed.

His sword. Where was his sword?

He fell and groaned in pain. The hands were back, and Leo couldn't stop crying.

He was wrapped in a tight embrace, and he screamed. He punched and kicked whoever was trying to take him out. He was not that weak. He was not fragile.

He screamed in agony as the embrace slightly increased. He breathed heavily, trying to reach anything to take out his attacker.

As he pushed the large arms, he felt a soft hand rubbing his back.

What was happening? Who was this? Big Mama? Kraang?

There was a soft shushing noise as the hand continued to rub circles on Leo's shell. He kept trying to claw his way out, but Leo was just so tired.

No. NO. He was not going out like this. Leo readied himself to keep fighting until his attacker spoke.

"It's okay, Leo. You're okay. You're safe. Please, Leo."

Raph?

Leo felt the fight leave his body as his brother held him in his arms.

What was happening?

"Raph?" Leo asked so softly he barely heard himself.

"It's me, Leo. It's Raph. You're okay."

Leo went limp as the big hand kept rubbing circles on his shell.

He was okay.

He was okay. It was a dream.

Leo felt tears spring in his eyes as he realized what was happening.

He wasn't alone this time. Raph was here.

Leo tensed with horror. Raph was here. Raph was watching Leo fall apart. He saw how broken Leo was.

Why wasn't he disappointed? He had to be disappointed. Leo wasn't strong like him. He couldn't do it. God, why couldn't he do something fucking right?

"I'm so sorry, Raph."

Raph just hugged Leo tighter, placing his chin on Leo's head.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm the one who should be sorry."

"What," Leo asked in a whisper, "why?"

"It took me yelling at you to finally help you." Raph looked down at Leo, "I should have never yelled at you, and I'm so sorry, Leo."

Leo shook his head, "It's okay. I deserved it."

Raph furrowed his eyebrows and gently held Leo's face, "You have never deserved it."

Raph's eyes were full of such raw sadness and grief but also a genuine belief in what he said. Leo felt tears start to form in his eyes again.

Leo wrapped his arms around Raph, his face in his big brother's plastron. "I'm sorry, Raph. I'm so so sorry."

Raph just placed his hand on the back of Leo's head, "It's okay, Leo. You're okay. I forgive you."

Leo sobbed and clung to his brother, feeling like a little kid again. But Raph didn't care; he just held Leo and reassured every apology and every tear.

"I love you, Leo. You're not alone. Not anymore. Never again."

Leo nodded and melted into his brother, bathing in his warmth.

He was sure they would have a long conversation about this later, but he didn't care. For the first time in a while, Leo didn't have the nagging loneliness hanging in his heart.

For the first time in a while, Leo had his brother.

Chapter Text

Donnie stood in the corner with April, angrily muttering. Raph stood behind Leo, twiddling his fingers as he ignored Donnie’s looks. Mikey watched Leo like he was a lost child, weak and helpless. Splinter was no better.

Leo could see the gears turning in his mind, the conflicting thoughts in his father’s mind every time he looked at Leo.

He was so sick of it.

He wanted them to hate him, not worry. Hate him for failing them, for needing them, for not being enough. Leo hated the way glances lingered on him. As if Leo would die if he weren’t watched every possible passing second. It had been so long since this last happened. When he actually almost died.

Now here he was, alive and healthy, and his family treated him like he just came out of the portal again. Like there was fresh blood and bruises back on his skin, coating him in the stink of anger and death.

At least at the time, they had a real reason to worry.

Casey stood in front of Leo, eyes agonizingly soft. Behind him, Leo could hear April fussing at Donnie, who was quietly yelling at Raph.

Silent hisses of venom stung his ears as the heat of accusation stuck itself on Leo’s shell. Mikey gently held Leo’s arm, the white bandages a stark contrast to his own light green skin.

Donnie whispered quietly as Raph tried to argue back, “Your fault-”

Leo heard Draxum’s low voice and the quiet arguing ceased to ever exist, like a bad dream. So many bad dreams. Ones that lingered in his mind, hiding in the dark parts of Leo’s memories. Twisted and corrupted to attack the few bits of light left in him, consuming them in their dark gluttony. Was there any light left in him? Was there anything to save this time? Was he worth saving? Had he ever been?

A cold hand touched his arm, and Leo jerked his eyes up to see Casey, tears in his eyes.

More tears. More pain. God fucking dammit, could everyone just stop crying?!

“Breathe, Master Leonardo,” Casey whispered softly.

Breathe? How do you do that? Leo forgot how. He tried to breathe in through his nose, and it hurt. His chest shuttered against him, keeping his lungs compressed. He kept trying, and it hurt less and less, but the pain didn’t go away.

There was warmth on his shoulder, and Leo released the breath he didn’t know he was holding. The sound of sobbing entered his ears, and he didn’t know who from. Then, as his chest shuttered again, Leo gently touched his own face and felt warm water on his fingertips.

Oh.

Casey gently held Leo’s hand, and Mikey’s head lay on his shoulder. Leo couldn’t shake the crawling feeling of disgust that worked itself up through his throat into his mind.

Need hugs like a child? So much for being a strong leader. How can you protect them when you can’t even take care of yourself?

Leo wanted all of them to stop touching him. The feeling of Mikey’s scales on his shoulder. Casey’s leather running over his hands. The feeling of Mikey’s breath on his skin. How warm they both were. The feel of the couch beneath him, the slightest little fibers running all over his skin. The harsh lights of the lair. The non-stop chatter of the room bouncing off the walls directly into Leo’s head.

He felt sick. Time sped up, and nothing was being processed. The slightest things consumed his mind—the smallest pricks of thread filling every pore of his skin. The subtle shift as Leo moved, thousands of little hands touching him simultaneously, little fingers prodding him. The atoms of his arms felt the touch of every single head of thread and lint.

Mikey and Casey stopped touching him, and Leo immediately jumped up, wrapping his arms around himself. But even that was too much. He felt the slight unevenness in his plastron, the movement of his arms against his chest as he breathed—the tremor in his hands that touched his arms as he breathed heavily.

Leo hated the feeling of the tears on his face, his cheeks, his neck. He wanted to rip out his eyes, to stop the tears, stop the feeling. Leo looked around the room, and they all watched him with worry.

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

Leo went inside his shell so he couldn’t see any of their burning, worried looks. Maybe he really was a lost child. Donnie muttered something as the door shut behind him. Quickly, the lights were dimmed, and the chatter and quiet arguments stopped.

Soon, Leo’s shell held a familiar weight, and he sighed in relief. It was a comfortable weight pressing down on him. Leo slowly crawled out of his shell and wrapped himself in the soft blanket. He had no idea how much time had passed before he took it off.

Donnie sat beside him, looking at something on his phone. Everyone else seemed to have left except April, who was on the couch.

“Where is everyone?”

Donnie glanced at Leo, “They wanted to give you some space and left to get pizza. They’ll be back soon.”

Leo nodded and fully sat up.

He was such an utter mess.

Leo looked at the blanket in his hands and handed it back to Donnie. “Thanks,” He said, “for letting me borrow it.”

Donnie gave Leo a small smile, “Anytime.”

April looked up and sat up, leaning on her knees. “Hey, Leo,” she said with a soft smile, “how are you feeling?”

“Yes, I was wondering the same. Are you okay?”

Leo sat there on the floor, next to his twin and in front of his sister, really thinking about the constantly repeated question.

“Are you okay?”

He had lost count of how many times he’d been asked that question. And he just didn’t know the answer anymore. Was he okay? All the nightmares, the restlessness, the inability to focus, the panic attacks and crying, and the voices telling him to finish the job.

Leo felt tears run down his cheeks as he finally admitted the truth to himself. No. God, no. He wasn’t. Leo hadn’t been okay in a long time.

Leo shook his head as the tears flooded his eyes, and April opened her arms and kneeled in front of Leo. He just grabbed her and hugged her as tight as he could.

“I’m sorry,” Leo cried.

April gently hushed him, “It’s okay. You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“I should be okay. But I’m not .”

“Who said you needed to be okay?” Donnie said as April hugged Leo’s head, pulling him closer.

“After everything you’ve been through, no one expects you to be okay,” April said softly.

“But I’m the leader .”

“You’re seventeen,” Donnie said, pain evident in his voice.

Leo paused as April hugged him tighter, “It’s okay not to be okay, Leo.”

Leo shook his head again, “I don’t want to make everything about me, though. I don’t need to be- to be comforted .” Leo gently pulled away, wiping his tears. “I need to take care of you guys.”

April just held his hand, giving it a slight squeeze, “But who will take of you? It’s not selfish to want someone to tell you they love you.”

Leo stared at her as April caressed his face gently, “It’s not selfish to not be okay all the time. You’re allowed to be sad, too.”

Donnie hugged him from behind, and Leo melted into the hug.

“You don’t have to tell us what’s wrong, Leo. Just please know that we love you, bad jokes and all. And we’re here for you. Always,” Donnie said, putting all the love and care he could into his brother. 

Leo’s body shook with his cries, but they weren’t from the pain this time. They weren’t from fear. Sadness. Or anger. They were from relief. Not yet happiness, but the relief and exhaustion pent up inside of him for far too long.

Large, wet tears rolled down Leo’s face as he poured out the contents of his heart, feeling every emotion he had locked away for far too long. He went limp against April, and she just held him, supporting him so he couldn’t fall. So he would never fall again.

The rest of the family returned to find a sobbing blue turtle in the arms of his siblings, and they all assumed the worst. But Donnie’s slight smile was strangely reassuring. Mikey and Casey immediately joined the cuddle pile. Raph quickly joined as well, picking up his laughing family members and placing them all on top of his chest. Splinter lay beside them, forcing Draxum in as well.

He complained, but Leo knew he secretly enjoyed it as much as the rest of them. Eventually, Leo fell asleep, and for the first time, without fearing what he’d see in the darkness.

Maybe some help wouldn’t be so bad.

“I think I’m ready…,” Leo whispered, and his family all looked at him, waiting patiently for him to continue. Leo took a deep breath and told them everything. The horrible nightmares, the flashbacks, the panic, the guilt, the fear. They all watched him in horror as he spoke but hugged him through the tears when it was too hard to continue.

Maybe he didn’t always have to be so strong.

Maybe it could be about him again, just for a little while.

Chapter Text

Leo sat on a rooftop overlooking New York. A gentle breeze brushed past his face, his blue tails billowing. The soft oranges and pinks blended together in the evening sky, the sun setting behind the towering buildings. Leo smiled as he listened to the honk of horns and the caws of birds.

He had saved this.

Leo looked to his left and saw the Manhattan Bridge, big and beautiful. With not even a scratch after the invasion. Leo chuckled as he remembered Mikey's enraged face when Raph beat his pizza stack score, only a few boxes higher than Leo's.

Leo had been so proud when Casey Jr. beat all of them with an extra ten boxes. He could still hear the laughter echoing in his mind, the absolute thrill and joy in Casey's eyes when he realized he had made it. Casey Sr. was so excited she almost fell off the top of the bridge; Raph had to catch her.

Leo felt so much lighter remembering their laughter. Lighter than he ever had remembering their screams. He still heard them; on the nights he felt a little too alone, a little too cold. But Leo swore Donnie had built a camera or something to watch Leo because at least one of his brothers seemed to always be there whenever he needed them.

He felt guilty at first, and he still did sometimes, but Leo was slowly learning that he wasn't making them check on him. He wasn't making them comfort him. Instead, they wanted to because they loved him. And that was okay.

He didn't need to deserve it. He didn't have to earn it. And sometimes, that was really hard to remember. It was even harder to believe. But he tried. Leo tried every day. And he would keep trying.

Not try to hide. Not try to run away. But to be better, truly better. Some days for himself, but most days for his family. Maybe one day he'll believe that he was worth improving for. Maybe one day he'll believe he's all the good things his family believes Leo is. Today wasn't that day, but Leo held on to the hope.

And he wasn't letting it go again any time soon.

There was a whoop and a yell behind him, and Leo turned to see the Caseys and Mikey racing towards him, smiles plastered on their faces. Casey Sr. shoved her son as she bolted forward and almost reached Leo first until April landed in front of her with a cocky smile.

She leaned on Leo's shoulder and shot a finger gun at the three losers. "Boom."

Donnie cackled from behind them all, and Mikey glared at their brother. "So not fair! You sling-shot her!"

Donnie shrugged as he rubbed Mikey's head aggressively, "Mmm, I believe you're mistaken, Angelo."

April smiled as she high-fived the purple turtle, "We said by any means necessary."

Mikey and the Caseys groaned in defeat, and Raph shook his head, smiling at the sore losers. "You'll live. Now, come on, we gotta get to Run of the Mill before all the good seats are taken."

They all looked at each other, and Leo's family ran off. Leo tried to run after them, but instead, he playfully groaned as his big brother wrapped an arm around his shoulder. Raph laughed as he held Leo back, "Nah, not you. Hueso's gonna want to talk to you and check in on you."

Leo laughed but left his brother's arm, "I can still crush Mikey in a race, though."

"Nope," Raph said with a wide grin, popping the 'p,' "you get the Raph-scort."

Leo groaned as Raph chuckled evilly, and they watched the rest of the family fade away into small dots and then disappear down an alleyway.

They walked slowly, the cool autumn breeze blowing past Leo's face, his bandana dancing in the air. As the sun started to fully set, a faint image of stars appeared above. The lights of the city shined bright, mimicking the stars above them. Leo could see through the cracks of building the flashing colors of lights on the streets, cars zooming past as fast as possible, missing the subtle beauty of the city around them.

How many things did Leo miss going so fast he could barely breathe? Leo looked up at Raph, who stared at the pink-purple sky, the stars filling his eyes with wonder. Leo forgot how soft Raph truly was, especially in moments like these. Quiet, peaceful times of nothing but each other's company.

Leo missed these moments.

It was funny. Leo spent so long trying to be like his big brother. So strong and untouchable, like the world could try to knock him down, and he'd just come back swinging harder. Leo had forgotten that Raph was just like him, trying his best to keep it together for the ones they loved.

Leo smiled, feeling a warmth in his heart for his brother, "Hey, Raph?"

Raph looked down at Leo, "Yeah, Leo?"

"I love you, man."

Raph's calm expression quickly changed to worry, "I love you, too. Is everything okay?"

Leo nodded, a small smile on his face. "Yeah. I just wanted you to know that I'm grateful," small tears pricked in his big brother's eyes, "For everything you've done for us."

Suddenly, large arms gently hugged Leo, wrapping themselves around his shell, and Leo had never felt such a light hug from his brother. Leo chuckled and hugged him back, "I figured you should hear it outside of us being stuck on an alien ship."

Raph laughed lightly and just kept his arms around Leo. He missed these hugs, so soft they felt like warm cotton.

There were a lot more hugs recently. Which was something Leo wasn't too used to, but he could learn to love it. They stayed there for a few minutes before Mikey came to grab them. They both chuckled and continued on their way to the Run of the Mill.

Leo walked in, and as expected, Hueso called Leo into his office to check in on him. Hueso had been so mad at first when he found out what Leo had been doing, but his anger quickly melted into grief as he noticed the crying turtle in his office. That was the first time Hueso had ever hugged Leo first, and it was tighter than Leo had expected.

It felt like Hueso was trying to hold on to Leo so he wouldn't disappear again. After that, they had weekly check-ins. Either over the phone or in person after hours. But no matter what, Leo told Hueso about his week every Sunday at 8 o'clock.

It was hard at first, opening up to someone after refusing to for so long, but it slowly got easier. Knowing no matter what, there was someone there when Leo's mind told him no one cared. Accepting he wasn't alone anymore.

Eventually, Leo joined his family for pizza and laughed at Donnie's disgusted face as Mikey and Raph ate half of the Hawaiian pizza the second it got to their table. Draxum tried to convince Splinter to try the clover pizza he ordered, whose face was as green as the toppings.

Leo smiled softly as his family, watching them all simply exist. Leo had forgotten what a privilege it was to be able to experience someone just living in the moment. Whispers entered Leo's mind, reminding him it'll all be over before he realized it. Poisoning the bright mood he had been feeling all day, and Leo closed his eyes. He tried to breathe slowly, trying to lift away the bittersweet feeling.

Casey placed his hand on Leo's shoulder, likely noticing his long, controlled breaths.

"Need to step outside?"

Leo went to shake his head to signal that he was okay, but he felt the inky black hands spreading over his brain, and Leo slowly nodded his head. Then, without hesitation, Casey stood up, saying he needed the bathroom, and Leo followed him outside.

Casey helped Leo calm down and chased away the dark thoughts trying to take over his mind. It was nice, but Leo knew it was only for a short while.

"I'm sorry," Leo muttered, feeling his energy quickly depleting as he tried to quiet the voices in his head.

Casey shook his head with a small smile, "It's okay. I'm going to go let everyone know that we're heading back to the lair, though. Alright? I'll be right back."

Leo nodded as he focused on the cool night air, the smell of freshly baked pizza, and the laughter coming from inside. Casey came back with Donnie, who also looked ready to go home.

On the way home, they walked in peaceful silence, and Leo felt a warmth in his chest.

There was no hesitation to go home. They saw he was crashing and had no doubt about packing up to go home. Leo didn't know if it was luck or love, but he felt happy tears in his eyes as he thought about it.

Leo didn't have to drown in himself anymore. He wasn't alone.

He still wasn't happy and didn't know if he would ever be again. But the need for punishment had all but dwindled into a past memory, though the urge sometimes reared its ugly head. He couldn't say he was fine, but Leo was better, and he knew that.

But on those days when nothing was going right, and his emotions were going every which way, and jokes only made his family worry, Leo knew it was okay to tell them.

It was okay to break down before the urge to scream and fight took over like a bad nightmare. Which still happened every now and then. But his brothers were now there every time, ready to bring relief and comfort all over again.

Leo wasn't okay, and that was okay. Because he would be one day, and there were people who loved him and were ready to help him there every step of the way.

Leo didn't know if he would ever be able to say he was okay, but as he started up at the vast expanse of stars that would outlive his blink in the cosmos, Leo knew he couldn't wait for tomorrow. Because every day he lived, every day he tried, he got a little bit closer.

Every day his apathy toward his own life disappeared a little bit more.

Healing isn't instant. It takes time. But Leo had all the time in the world and all the love he needed to get there.

And that made Leo happy.