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Dreadful and slow. The tune of the heart monitor's beeping had become repetitive over the past couple of days.
Kaworu hasn't slept a wink, and when he does he curses himself for being selfish enough to do that. The memory of Shinji cradled in his arms, the blood seeping out of his arms, sobbing that echoed and still shook his soul. He could still hear Shinji mumbling the same phrases, over and over.
"Aim, shoot, release. Aim, shoot, release..."
—
Today was different. They had installed a new feature inside of the Eva's in an attempt to increase synchronization rates. Since Unit 05 could withstand Kaworu's numbers, they had the pilots split up and both enter the cockpits.
Kaworu put a hand on the seat Shinji was on, and lazily rested his head on his arm, waiting for him to receive orders. It was an easy day for Asuka and Kaworu, for they had no work to do. Just sit in the cockpit as the others do the work, and then switch once the first round of tests is finished.
"Alright, we have the systems up and running!"
He can hear from the communication centers, and his eyes catch on a small projection box that pops up near Shinji. Watches as his boyfriend moves a hand towards the box and expands it with the flick of his finger. There's Misato, standing with a solemn expression on her face — focused on the task at hand.
"Alright, first I want to thank you kids for skipping school for this test. It should be over in around four minutes, and then we will switch pilots," She explains, and Kaworu looks over to the screen showing Rei in her Eva, with Asuka listening intently, a frown on her face.
"Why couldn't I go before Rei?" Asuka pouts. "She had a lower sync rate than me today."
"That is true," Answers Akagi instead, and she walks into the frame sipping a cup of coffee, and reading a paper clipped to a board. She turns an eye to the camera. "However, it is Ikari's strict orders. It does make sense."
Asuka scoffs, laying her cheek against her knuckles. "This doesn't make sense! How unfair..."
"You did mention it yourself, Asuka. If we test the two with the lower sync rates first, then we can expect better results than those with higher ones. If we tested those with higher, we cannot account for Shinji and Rei."
Asuka already looks uninterested and just shrugs away the topic by averting her eyes elsewhere.
"Anyways," Misato clears her throat, her eyes focused on one of the monitors they cannot see. "We will load in the Angel simulation, I want Rei to move towards the mountain you will see loaded to your left, and Shinji to your right nearby the powerline."
"Ma'am!"
"Ma'am."
—
"Just remember your training, Shinji. Do not feel pressured," Misato reassures through the sheer panic in her voice. "Fire in the way you were instructed, nothing else."
He nods, and there is eerie quiet before a shout is sounded from the communication center, and Shinji understands his cue to step into battle.
There has been a mistake. A miscalculation.
And it's all in Shinji's head.
The Eva steps out of the place from behind the building, rumbling the earth with each footstep, before cocking the gun — pointing at the Angel. Kaworu bites his tongue and just decides to look at Shinji instead.
But it's all wrong. Shinji is not there. Not mentally anyways.
The gun fires, and when it does, it is rapid. It does not cease. Shinji's knuckles are shaking from the force at which he is gripping those controls, and Kaworu grimaces. He is muttering the same words.
Kaworu can hear commands being barked, yelling at Shinji to come to his senses, but he does not look. He does not hear. He only sees Shinji, fear carved into his expression, chest rising and falling with each blaring gunshot.
"Shinji—"
The angel's arms stretch. They expand, black like twilight and a dark void opens before Shinji, before turning into spikes and darting towards the Eva.
They pierce the armor, directly through both arms, before stating their hold on the Eva. They harden, and Kaworu can barely suppress his alarm as Shinji lets out a blood-curdling scream, retracting his hands from the controls to hug himself — caving in from the pain alone.
Something clicks inside Kaworu. It was a ticking time bomb and was known to happen frequently. Yet, he couldn't sit back any longer and watch the one he loves suffer.
Kaworu slides into the space next to the chair his boyfriend sits in, reaching for the controls, but Shinji was not done yet. He flinches away when those shaking hands find the controls, and grip them with no mercy.
The gun is raised again and aimed toward the floating eyeball hanging in the center of the looming angel.
And the Eva's arms are snapped off.
–
"Eject the pilot immediately!"
"Change our objection course!"
"Priority above all is to rescue the pilot!"
"Harmonic levels are drastically decreasing!"
Shinji is weightless, he thinks.
His eyes are so heavy, and he thinks. He thinks he thinks, he thinks.
"...nji."
Is someone talking to him?
"...orry."
Apologizing? Why is he worthy of an apology?
Kaworu.
He sees Kaworu holding one of his hands up to his cheek. He does not feel the tears against his hand. It feels as though there is no hand there at all. Is he still whole? Is he still here?
"Kaw...oru..."
Kaworu swallows, resting a hand against his own cheek. It is cold. "Save your energy."
"Am I going to... die?"
Shinji feels sick. He is not here. He is watching from another place. Through the blind eye of absence — maybe his head is in the clouds.
He does not hear Kaworu's reply. Only feels a tear drop onto his face. His boyfriend is crying, that's quite new. He mumbles the same phrase, and the world abruptly fades to black.
"Aim... shoot...”
—
Release.
He swallows, rising from out of the chair and climbing onto the hospital bed beside Shinji, moving a few tubes out of the way so he can comfortably lie beside him. Kaworu let go of a sigh, his head hitting the pillow with a soft thump. Shinji’s cassette that he had been holding (more like a comfort item at this point) had been carefully laid to the side.
His eyes wander across his features, and even in sleep he looks stressed. Shinji always looks troubled. His hand seemed to move on its own, but he had no objections as it came to rest on his cheek, gently stroking his cold skin. His heartbeat thrummed against careful strokes, pressing himself closer to Shinji, his other hand trailing down to lock hands with his lover.
"I'm sorry, Shinji."
And the silence he is greeted with — broken by the monotone beeping — tears him to pieces. Kaworu closes his eyes, listening to his breathing. Each one seemed like a struggle. An internal battle that Shinji was fighting at his most vulnerable.
He knows he can help. Easily pull him out of this coma, yet Shinji had told him not to ever risk that. Angels have abilities far greater than man could comprehend, so this promise was a difficult one to keep. He wanted to protect Shinji. From reality and from dreams, where he shuns himself daily.
Yet he will not invade his dreams to save him when asked not to. He will not betray Shinji's wishes. So, he will wait until Shinji comes to him. Kaworu's hand pulls Shinji's head a bit closer so he can press trembling lips against that warm forehead. A soft kiss.
"I will wait for you. As long as it takes, my love."
He shakily inhales and tries not to cry again. Shinji never liked to see him cry. It was rare, yet he had done it a few days ago in front of a nurse that was explaining to him Shinji's current health.
Kaworu closes his eyes, letting the tears cascade down his face and sink into Shinji's shoulder. Wraps an arm around his body, and presses kiss after kiss to his neck. "Just please don't make me wait long. I don't think I could bare it."
He seals the night off, holding Shinji in his embrace. The moonlight trickles in through curtains, reflecting the hopes and dreams of thousands that Kaworu held close to his heart. He will do anything to protect Shinji, he has decided this long ago, yet feels the need to remind himself.
"I love you," He whispers to Shinji. "I love you."