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When Sanji first met him, he didn't pay him much mind.
Fuck, what now? Were the first thoughts to run through Sanji’s mind as he hears the ceiling break from behind him. The other chefs' hands were on him, gripping and pulling on his clothes, skin, and hair. They were trying to stop him from beating the ever loving shit out of that asshole who ruined his food. Fuck them.
Their hands were rough as they wrung Sanji back. Deep down, it made Sanji’s gut twist. The feeling of their overgrown nails digging into his skin. Or their calloused hands grabbing his chest. It only fueled the anger already simmering within him.
He wanted to scream.
He’s had one hell of a day so far. Zeff had already cussed him out this morning for forgetting to mop the floors. Then there was that cannon that shot through the roof of the Baratie. And finally, there was the cowering man before him, who made an ass of himself and expected Sanji to take the blame.
Sanji really didn’t need another mess to clean up.
As he came down from his anger, all of a sudden it became too much for Sanji. The other cook’s hands were still on him, they felt as if they were metal cuffs. Sanji felt his skin chill all over before he was shoving the men off of him with a curse. When he finally did look over, he was only mildly surprised to see Zeff on his ass and some other guy lying face first on the floor. It wasn’t the first time some idiot had caused a ruckus. Sanji only prayed for the man that Zeff didn’t wring his neck right then and there.
Slowly, his eyes traveled from the shouting Zeff to the young man who was taking the lashings.
Black hair was the first thing Sanji noticed. The man had long, shaggy, unkempt black hair. He also wore a dingy looking straw hat and clothes that had stains and holes in them. When he turned, Sanji took note of the boy’s wide eyes. They were bright and easy-going but burned with something Sanji couldn’t quite name.
Oh, Sanji thought, he’s got a scar too. Under his right eye.
His skin was tan. Very tan. He looked as though he hadn’t spent a moment out of the sun. In fact, he glowed as if he were the sun inscribed.
But Sanji’s attention didn’t stay long on the boy before a starving man burst through Baratie’s doors.
Patty was making a show of the scrappy looking man but all Sanji could focus on was the slimy feeling that covered his skin. Sanji walked briskly toward the kitchen, making sure to hide his shaking fists in the pockets of his suit pants.
Once he got into the kitchen he felt his body move on auto-pilot. Zeff had told him a long time ago (when he was younger and couldn’t stop crying after being thrown into panic attacks) to focus his mind on cooking when he got like this.
Use those shaking hands for something more useful, Zeff had said to him, if you feel yourself losing yourself, remember that a chef’s pride is his hands. When they can’t stop shaking, focus them into cooking. Just cook, brat.
Just cook.
As he diced carrots and fried shrimp Sanji felt his chest uncurl. Slowly, he exhaled.
As the man with the bandana scarfed down the sea fried rice Sanji had cooked, he lit a cigarette and brought it to his lips.
Cigarettes always helped calm Sanji quicker. He remembered how his lungs burnt the first time he tried to light up. An old waiter had offered it to him when he was seventeen. The first time he coughed hysterically, swore to never touch one again. But as time drew on Sanji found himself sneaking into storage closets with the waiter to sneak a cigarette when he felt on edge. And even after the guy was fired, Sanji still found himself itching for it.
Zeff hadn’t found out for almost over a month, but when he did it was already past the point where Sanji could quit. The old man had told him apparently addiction was different for everyone, and that someone could get hooked from their first cigarette. Sanji figured he was like that. Despite Zeff kicking his ass for three months after the fact, Sanji wasn’t upset about it.
Cigarettes helped him relax.
Sue him.
“Hey you!” a voice called, pulling Sanji out of his thoughts. “Be my cook on my pirate ship!”
Looking up, Sanji spotted the boy from earlier. He was smiling now, it was wide and toothy.
He’s a pirate, huh.
Sanji had seen many pirates come in and out of Baratie before. This guy didn’t look like any of them. Hell, he looked like he couldn’t even throw a punch. It was only later, when he had learned the boy's name and heard him open his big mouth when he realized, oh, he’s a moron too.
Luffy was his name, Monkey D. Luffy. Sanji didn’t exactly know what to make out of Luffy besides that the boy was obviously clueless. Clueless in the way many other men were. Ones that spoke before their mind’s thought. Men who ran on instinct rather than logic. I mean, king of the pirates? What the hell, Sanji thought bitterly.
And what is with him?
Ever since Luffy had demanded him to become his chef, the boy hadn’t stopped looking at him. Luffy looked at him as if they weren’t complete strangers who had met nearly an hour ago. He looked at him like he was his crew. His friend. His.
Luffy had told him that he was stupid as Sanji had his fists curled in the man’s bright red vest. You’re going to die for a stupid ship? Luffy had shouted at him, and Sanji felt his heart waver. But anger had clouded his mind at that time, he found meaningless words to defend the Baratie— himself.
He’s just an idiot, Sanji remembered thinking, he doesn’t know anything.
Luffy didn’t know of the debt Sanji carried. He didn’t know the feeling of the cold unforgiving ground of a cell. He didn’t know the pain of being discarded like trash. He didn’t know the feeling of one’s insides tearing themselves apart out of starvation. Nor did he know just how far Sanji was from truly repaying the old man’s kindness.
He didn’t know anything and yet.
And yet…
As Sanji watched Luffy beat the shit out of Don Krieg, he could only think one thing.
Yep, he’s definitely an idiot.
-
They were sailing away from the Baratie now. And even if Sanji was feeling a little nervous, he didn’t need to let his new captain know about it. Fear wasn’t befitting a man, chef, or Vin—
Shaking his head slightly, Sanji wrung himself away from his thoughts. He tried to focus on the conversation. He asked Luffy and Yosaku what they were in the mood for lunch, and hurried off to the kitchen to have his hands find something to do. Maybe he was a coward. Gritting the unlit cigarette between his teeth, Sanji only focused on rolling the slabs of meat in batter in order to escape his mind. One after another, almost meticulously, Sanji coated the pieces of meat so that they were evenly covered.
Suddenly, there was a presence behind him, and an arm around his shoulders. An icy chill rang throughout Sanji’s body. The shock made Sanji gasp a little. Then, his body was moving on its own.
“Wow, looking good San—,”
Yosaku was on the ground before he even saw Sanji raise his leg to kick.
“Ow, fuck,” Yosaku cursed as he looked up to see Sanji slightly heaving. His leg was still up, as if he were ready for attack and his eyes were blown wide.
Distantly, Luffy peeked his head from the doorframe.
Sanji stumbled a step back as Yosaku asked, “Woah, you alright?”
Mind racing, Sanji swallowed dryly.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!
He must look crazy right now. It’s been years since he’s been anywhere but the Baratie. The chefs on the restaurant know of Sanji’s habits. They know how he freaks out by the slightest touch. They don’t bother him as he cooks. They know how Sanji will instantly resort to physical fighting when he is even slightly emotional. They knew that’s just how he was. None of the cooks really questioned it. And even when one was too dense enough to ask, all Zeff would say is just don’t touch him unless you want a broken finger.
“I’m fine,” Sanji muttered, trying to regain some sense of composure. “Sorry it’s just um, at the Baratie we had our own spaces as we cooked y’know? I wasn’t expecting you to— I mean, cooks get into grooves while making a dish. And we don’t like being interrupted.”
The excuse was sloppy at best. Sanji mumbled out words trying to come up with anything to make himself look less like an asshole. He felt his shirt stick to his back slightly with sweat. Sanji didn’t dare to spare a look at the door to see what Luffy’s face looked like.
Yosaku’s expression held mostly confusion but he slowly nodded. “Okay. Sorry about that bro. I’ll keep that in mind.”
Sanji watched as the other man slowly rose from the ground, clutching his bruised face as he made for the door. Yosaku scurried out from the kitchen and Luffy quickly followed after him.
When he was finally out of sight, Sanji face palmed. Gripping his hair tightly, Sanji pulled at the strands enough to hurt slightly. Pull yourself together, Sanji hissed at himself. He’s part of a crew now. He can’t be acting like a wuss who jumps at the smallest contact with others. With shaking fingers, Sanji fumbled for his lighter to light his cigarette.
He heard footsteps from the door again.
Taking one last breath to calm himself, Sanji asked. “And what do you want?”
“Sanji doesn’t like being touched, is that right?”
Sanji turned his head to meet the unwavering eyes of his new captain. Luffy was looking at him like that again. Luffy’s gaze would have made Sanji tremble if he were a weaker man. He was almost burning holes into his figure, furrowed brows and all. He looked concerned.
Hesitantly, Sanji spoke. “That a problem, captain?”
There was silence for a moment, as if Luffy was mulling it over. He looked Sanji up and down. Sanji could almost see the gears turning in the other man’s head as he analyzed what he just said.
But then, Luffy was smiling his usual care-free smile again.
Sanji felt himself finally exhale.
“Okay! Whatever you want Sanji,” Luffy beamed. “I’ll try to remember that!”
“Hah,” Sanji chuckled lightly, “whatever I want, huh?”
“Yeah!” Luffy exclaimed, coming to stand next to Sanji. He leaned closer, a playful look in his eye as he spoke. “Since you’re my cook!”
“Your cook,” Sanji echoed on instinct, he hadn’t even meant to say it.
“Yep!”
Luffy grinned.
“Mine.”
-
After the events of Arlong Park, the crew was finally making its way toward the Grand Line. They were a rag-tag group if anything. A coward sniper with a slingshot. An aloof swordsman with vibrant moss colored hair. A scheming but beautiful (very beautiful) navigator.
And an idiot captain.
Sanji would never admit it aloud but they oddly fit well together. It was most definitely all Luffy’s fault. Hell, Sanji believed the swordsman and himself would kill each other if they weren’t preoccupied with Luffy’s antics. When they had finally set sail together, Luffy had announced the first rule of the ship.
Don’t bother Sanji while he’s cooking! He exclaimed randomly.
The other three had looked curiously from Luffy, then to Sanji. Feeling his face burn, Sanji hit Luffy’s head.
Don’t say things without context, shitty rubber captain, Sanji had said. But he’s right. I like to focus while cooking so I’d like to be alone when making meals.
They had exchanged looks. But then Ussop had just shrugged in agreement, Zoro had just yawned and nodded, and Nami was the only one who actually said okay. Which, of course, had him twirling while saying anything for the best!
Since then, they had traveled to the Grand Line and went on countless adventures together.
And strangely, Sanji found himself familiarizing himself with a routine. He got up briskly at 7am to start his day with a shower. He was the first of all the men to get up, tip-toeing past his snoring companions. Oafs, Sanji had commented one morning. He let the shower’s water run hot as he scrubbed himself thoroughly with soaps and conditioner. Sanji then picked his suit for the day and made his way to the kitchen to start breakfast prep. Through the shut door, Sanji often heard the others rise from their slumber. It’s been long enough for Sanji to finally finish breakfast as he hears a loud clatter, signaling Luffy’s consciousness.
They ate together, and Sanji almost allowed himself to feel proud. He was always the last to sit down with his plate, scolding Luffy and Zoro for their bad table manners. And despite Luffy eating the fastest, and Sanji starting to eat last, Luffy always ended up being the last one in the kitchen.
He would beg Sanji for more food, and when he looked at him pitifully enough Sanji would cave and make seconds. But even when he didn’t, Luffy always stayed. He always watched.
Luffy would talk to Sanji like this after every meal. Always staying until the last dish was clean and dry. Sanji honestly didn’t understand why.
One day, he asked the man. “Y’know I can clean up on my own. You watch me clean dishes everyday.”
“I like watching you,” Luffy had simply responded, his legs swinging as he sat on top of the counter next to the sink.
“You like watching me?” Sanji repeated, glancing at his grinning face. “I’m not doing anything real exciting here, captain.”
“True,” Luffy laughed.
Sanji felt his heart flutter.
Stop.
“But I watched Makino clean dishes all the time when I was younger!” Luffy stated, waving his hands in the air to emphasize his words.
Sanji looked back down to the dish in his hands. Sighing to signal he had given up, he asked, “Who’s Makino?”
And then, Luffy had told him.
-
They had picked up more crew along their journey. The first being Chopper, a small reindeer from a winter island. Sanji, after all the battles he has fought, didn’t notice how close he had come to escaping death once again.
He had awoken to a warm fire. His body ached horribly. His arms and legs were covered tightly in bandages. When he finally had enough energy to sit up, there was an old woman by his side.
You’d better thank that young man with the straw hat when he comes to, she had said. He’s bat shit alright, climbing that mountain in these conditions. He saved all of your lives.
When Luffy had come to, Sanji found himself sitting across from the boy on the small cot.
“You could’ve died,” Sanji stated, his throat curling in knots. Luffy, the bastard, didn’t seem fazed by Sanji’s comment.
“Nah, I wouldn’t have,” he simply replied.
Sanji found himself glaring at the other, frustration sparking in his chest. “Are you fucking stupid? Yes, you could’ve died! Look at your hands! They’re torn to shreds after climbing that godforsaken cliff!”
Sanji grabbed Luffy’s hand to shake, eyes burning.
“Ow! Hey!” Luffy pouted, but after a moment he smiled. “You touched me, Sanji!”
“Huh?” Sanji looked at his own grip on Luffy’s bandaged hand. His hand was around Luffy’s fingers tightly, he had acted out of emotions. Quickly, Sanji dropped his hold on the boy and looked away.
“What are you saying? I always touch you, idiot.”
“No, you hit me but you’ve never—,”
“Stop changing the subject,” Sanji interrupted, heart pounding slightly in his chest. “You’re still not off my shit-list for almost dying.”
Luffy slouched back on his pillow, “I already said I wouldn’t have died. If I had died that’d mean Nami and you would have died as well. That can’t happen. So you see? I wouldn’t have died. I had to save you guys first.”
Sanji really didn’t have anything to say to that.
-
Alabasta had been one hell of a pain in the ass. The sun’s light during the day was hot, and the air was frigid at night. They had met Luffy’s brother, Ace, in Alabasta too. Sanji could see the scrappy resemblance the two held, like two animals surviving in the forest.
Their food was limited in the desert and Sanji had never felt so much pressure as a cook. He was smoking a lot, mostly to keep his own hunger at bay. With Vivi, Chopper, and now Ace in their midst, Sanji had three more stomachs to fill. And Sanji would be lying if he said he wasn’t freaking the hell out.
The crew came first before his own needs. Always.
And if that meant scraping on with everyone’s left overs, then so be it.
If Luffy had noticed his unease, he didn’t let it show. But Sanji had noticed Ace sneaking looks and whispering to Luffy as they walked through the endless dunes of sand. Pursing his lips, Sanji paid it no mind. Later that night, when everyone else had retired to sleep and Sanji was on watch near the fire, he felt Luffy’s presence next to him.
“You’re not eating,” he had begun.
Lovely.
“I am eating, actually,” Sanji replied easily, “I’m just eating what’s left over. You know me. Can’t waste food.”
Luffy flopped to sit next him, his straw hat around his neck rather than atop his head. He was glaring at him, and Sanji almost felt himself shiver. “There’s barely any food anyways, you can’t be surviving on table scraps.”
“And who’s fault is that?”
“I’m serious.”
Sanji sighed, refusing to look at Luffy. He opted to lay back in the sand instead, staring up into the vast array of stars.
“Are you just saying this because Ace snitched on me?” Sanji mused.
“No! I—,”
“I saw you two whispering, don’t pretend,” Sanji closed his eyes as a small grin formed on his lips. “You don’t have to say something on his behalf, captain.”
As he heard the sound of sand next to his ears, Sanji’s eyes opened to see Luffy hunched over him. His hands were on either side of Sanji’s face as he looked down with burning eyes. Sanji felt his heart pound.
“Sanji,” Luffy spoke in his rare, firm voice, “Ace didn’t need to tell me you were skipping meals for me to notice.”
Sanji didn’t respond. His throat was dry, really. The small crackle of fire sounded closely, and Sanji found himself admiring the warm glow of light illuminating the side of Luffy’s face. There was silence for a minute with just the two of them staring into each other. Sanji felt heat crawl across his skin under Luffy's gaze. Then, Luffy exhaled and rested his head against Sanji’s chest.
“Please start eating.”
A plea.
Sanji didn’t know why he did it. He honestly didn’t think he was capable of allowing another human this close. The usual disgust he felt when others touched him was nowhere to be found. Instead, as Sanji’s hand gently patted Luffy’s soft hair. He felt warm.
Content.
“Okay,” was all he whispered.
-
Fuck.
Sanji paced back and forth through the galley, his hand gripping his hair tightly. He was biting his cigarette so hard he thought it would snap in half.
Nami was crying silently at the table, Chopper looked lost, Zoro was just fucking siting silently, and Robin was missing.
After Luffy had allowed Nico Robin, the beauty, onto their ship Sanji had allowed his composure to slip. Their time in Skypia was brief, but eventful. If anything, it was the first time Sanji felt himself relax in a long time. He was aware his guard was slipping and to be honest, he was scared out of his mind.
He had never had friends like this before.
And now, in the span of one afternoon, it was all falling apart.
Ussop had quit the crew after getting into a fight with Luffy, and all Sanji could do was think of what he didn’t do. He could've stepped in before things got out of hand. He could’ve told Luffy to explain things properly. But his mind was on Robin and where the hell she would be when it was too late.
Luffy had almost said something unforgivable, and Sanji was kicking him into the table. But Ussop had already made up his mind, Sanji knew that much, and was gone in the next minute.
Fuck!
Sanji’s shaking hands dug into the roots of his hair. Ussop’s words rang in his mind, just discard those who are useless to you.
In a deep, ugly part of himself Sanji couldn’t help but understand Ussop’s frustration. He wouldn’t know who he’d be himself if he weren’t the cook. It is how he had been raised. His sole purpose was to make food. And if he couldn’t do that simple task, he was useless. He knew Ussop’s fear and he could feel his own mind shudder at the thought of being left behind.
Again.
But this wasn’t about him.
Sanji fought with Zoro just to fight. He felt his fists tremble and he needed an outlet. The cigarette wasn’t calming his head down and Sanji needed to focus on something that wasn’t his reality.
Nami had tried to speak to Luffy, but came back with no luck. Sanji had thought of trying to reason with the captain himself. But he couldn’t find the words to truly convince the other to call the duel off.
Later, as Ussop lay beaten and bruised in a pool of his own blood and tears, Sanji was glad Chopper had tried to go treat him. It allowed his shaking fists to hold Chopper back, to distract him. It was the only thing keeping himself from rushing toward Ussop’s side. Sanji knew, in his heart, that he couldn’t interfere. But by gods, it didn’t stop the ache from hurting.
Luffy had told Ussop to keep the Merry. Sanji couldn’t bear to see his captain in a state of weakness, emotions ripped raw. They had left the Merry and Ussop later that night, migrating to a local Water 7 inn.
No one had spoken a word as they left.
As they settled into their hotel, Zoro had taken the crying Chopper to go find some food. Nami, with a distant look in her eye, had only whispered goodnight before closing the door to her room. Robin was still nowhere to be found.
Hesitantly, Sanji glanced toward Luffy. He laid on his bed, his hat covering his eyes. Sanji didn’t need to see them to know they were red. Silently, Sanji sat next to the boy with his legs hanging off of the bed’s edge.
For a long time neither of them said anything.
Sanji’s hands were shaking less now, after allowing himself to collect his feelings and suppress his thoughts. Luffy had remained completely silent on their journey to the inn; he hadn’t looked up since he had left Ussop on the ground.
“Sanji,” Luffy croaked, his voice thin as he spoke for the first time they had arrived, “I can’t handle it.”
Swallowing thickly, Sanji replied carefully. “I know.”
There was a small sniffle from under the hat. Sanji closed his eyes to keep them from tearing up.
“Promise me,” Luffy whispered.
“Promise what?”
“You won’t leave me too.”
Sanji felt himself still at his captain's quiet words. He had never seen Luffy this vulnerable. Slowly, he picked Luffy’s hat from his face to hold it against his chest. Luffy’s eyes were watery, but they held Sanji's gaze with yearning. His eyes waited.
When Sanji spoke, his voice did not tremble.
“I promise.”
-
After rescuing Robin, having a new crew member, and getting Ussop back, Sanji isolated himself from the others more. The crew falling apart had been an ice cold rude awakening to Sanji that he had been getting too soft.
Sanji was weak.
He couldn’t protect his friends before it was past the breaking point. Sanji knew they weakened him, made his emotions outweigh his logic.
Strength is the only thing that matters, boy. You are a failure if you do not possess it.
He spent more time in the kitchen lately. He poured himself into cooking, shutting the door to keep the others out. He needed to do his role, serve his purpose. He had made up an excuse to Luffy when he had cornered him about it, saying he was spending time learning his new kitchen. Luffy had seemed to buy it only with reluctance. Sanji made sure to cook extras to make the man forget about it.
“Yo, bro!” a boisterous voice that only could be Franky’s called from the doorway. “You’re really loving the new kitchen huh?”
Sanji willed himself to shoot the cyborg a grin, “Of course. You’re amazing Franky. Oh, and thanks for the lock on the fridge.”
“No problem,” Franky pointed his thumb toward the door. “Chopper is in bed and the rest of us are drinking. You wanna come?”
Biting his lip slightly, Sanji looked behind him to his half made cupcake mix. “I really should finish up here.”
“Oh c’mon bro! You’ve been in here all day, captain’s missing you,” Franky pleaded, tipping his glasses down his metal nose.
As if in cue, a familiar voice called from outside.
“Sanjiii! Come out!”
Franky smirked. “See?”
Sanji looked between the other and his cooking mix. With a defeated sigh, he agreed and put his unfinished work in the fridge. As he stepped out onto the Sunny’s deck, he saw all of the others sitting in a circle. There was a warm fire pit in the middle, with bottles of alcohol laying around. Opting to sit next to the graceful Nami, Sanji accepted the wine from her manicured hands.
“Good to see you, Sanji,” Robin smiled from across the fire. He had noticed the woman starting to use their real names beside her previous use of nicknames. It made Sanji swoon. “We were just retelling stories of past lovers.”
“Why the hell are you talking about something like that?” Sanji muttered, taking a sip.
“Cuz’ guess who I saw sneaking off with some guy at the party in Water 7,” Luffy snickered at the same time Ussop burst into cackles.
“Shut the hell up, Ussop!” Zoro growled, his face flushed. Sanji knew from experience it definitely wasn’t the alcohol’s fault.
Sanji whistled lowly, sending the swordsman a teasing look, “Damn, moss head can get some? Didn’t think you had it in you.”
“You shut up too, shitty cook,” Zoro replied, taking a swig of his beer.
Franky burst out into laughter. “That reminds me of my teenage days as well!”
They went around, cracking jokes and exchanging stories. When the night got late, Sanji himself was a little more than tipsy. He curses Zoro for challenging him to a drinking contest. But feeling slightly buzzed, Sanji had taken his suit coat off and loosened his tie.
“What about you, Sanji?” Ussop curiously slurred, wiggling his eyebrows in the process, “Do you have any past rendezvous?”
“Me?” Sanji stared blankly at the black abyss of the sky. “Why my dear Nami and Robin of course.”
Nami slapped his shoulder, “Real relationships, Sanji.”
“Oh,” Sanji said dumbly, “I don’t think so then.”
“Really?”
“That’s surprising.”
“Yeah,” Zoro grunted, “I’d figure you’d be a whore.”
“Fuck you,” Sanji spat with no real venom. “I dunno, Zeff always had me on the ropes. I was too busy working to get into relationships.”
“You work too hard,” Nami commented, “I swear you do three times as much as the rest of us.”
Sanji shrugged, he really wasn’t listening anymore. His mind was sluggish and the grass lawn was getting too comfortable. When he closed his eyes, he felt himself drifting.
“Psst, Sanji,” a voice whispered. “Sanji!”
Grunting as he cracked open his eye, he saw Luffy before him. “Captain?”
“The others went to bed, you should too.”
“I,” Sanji’s head throbbed, “was sleeping.”
“Robin said you can’t sleep out here or else you’d get sick,” Luffy spoke, as if it were a secret. “So you should go to the dorm.”
Sanji groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Ugh, fuck that shitty moss ball. I feel like I’m gonna hurl.”
Luffy reached his hand out, stopping before Sanji’s face. Sanji eyed the hand before looking toward Luffy’s grin. Then, with a sigh, he grabbed the outstretched hand with a grunt.
“Take me to the bathroom instead will you?”
Luffy giggled as he slung Sanji’s arm around his neck, heaving the man up. “Okay.”
They made their way up toward the bathroom eventually. By the time they entered the room Sanji felt his head was a bit clearer, and he didn’t feel like he was gonna throw up. He did, however, feel disgusting.
Sanji broke from Luffy’s grip to start running a bath. He really could use one right about now. His head was still foggy so when he started to strip off his shirt and spotted Luffy still standing by the tub, he shrieked.
“Fuck Luffy, why are you still here?” Sanji questioned.
Luffy looked at him with curious eyes, “Can I come in too?”
It wasn’t the first time they had seen each other naked. Hell, they had even taken a bath together before in Alabasta. But that was with all of the others too. It was just the two of them here, alone.
Sanji’s blood positively ran hot.
“Wha—,”
“You shy?” Luffy interrupted with a teasing smirk.
Cheeks burning, Sanji muttered, “Whatever.”
Trying to avoid looking at the other man, Sanji finished stripping and got into the steaming tub as quickly as possible. The tub was huge, yet Luffy chose to sit only a couple feet away from him. Feeling his muscles uncurl at the warmth of the water, Sanji sighed. Luffy also must be relaxing as he hasn’t spoken yet. The two sat in silence for a long time before Luffy spoke.
“You’ve been avoiding us.”
Sanji had been anticipating this conversation, so when Luffy finished he already had his rehearsed lines ready.
“I told you I’m just getting used to the new kitchen. Franky put a lot of new stuff for me to try out.”
Luffy raised an eyebrow, skeptical. “For two weeks?”
“Yes,” Sanji replied, “you’re not a cook. You don’t know how long it takes to get used to a new kitchen.”
“Maybe,” Luffy hummed, trailing off into silence. Then, with a grin, he scooted closer to Sanji with beaming eyes. “When will you be done getting used to it?”
“I,” Sanji’s mind stuttered for a moment at Luffy’s proximity. “I don’t know yet.”
“How about I keep you company then?”
“No, you’ll burn the ship down.”
“I would not!”
“Yes,” Sanji allowed himself to laugh. “You would.”
Luffy huffed defeated, laying his head to rest on his arms against the flooring. “Fine, you win.”
For a moment, they were quiet again. Luffy circled the floor with his finger before sparing a look at the cook. Sanji sat looking forward, the ends of his blonde hair was the longest it’s been in awhile. Luffy eyed where the strands ended, right in the middle of his neck. Slowly, Luffy raised his finger to nudge at the border between hair and skin.
Sanji prayed to the gods Luffy didn’t feel the shudder of his spine when he did so.
“I miss you though,” Luffy mumbled, unaware of the heat bursting within Sanji’s blood at his contact. “Can’t we do something together?”
Sanji’s face burned as he quickly shifted away from the boy. Gripping the back of his neck with his palm, Sanji looked away from his captain.
“Fine. I’ll try to not be cooped up in the kitchen anymore.”
Luffy hummed, a small smile playing on his lips.
“That’s good, cuz’ Sanji should be around people he likes. You like us right?”
“Of course,” Sanji found his voice as Luffy turned to look at him once more.
“And me?”
Sanji swallowed. “You’re my captain. Of course.”
Luffy just kept smiling.
-
“Sanji.”
It was late at night, and Sanji had been standing alone on the front deck of the Sunny smoking his way through a pack. They were sailing away from Thriller Bark now, zombies and ghosts be damned.
Brook had been a unique addition to their crew, hearty and full of music. Luffy had taken a liking to him and Sanji had hoped the new member was enough of a distraction for them to not be having this conversation.
But lady luck never seemed to be on his side.
Exhaling a cloud of smoke one more time, Sanji answered. “Shouldn’t you be asleep?”
“You tried to sacrifice yourself.” Luffy’s voice was serious if anything.
God, Sanji hated when Luffy got like this. When Luffy was serious it was like he’s able to pick Sanji apart with ease. He broke down his walls like water meeting sand. He read him like an open book. He left him raw and wanting.
Sanji really didn’t want to be having this conversation right now.
“You didn’t tell me that,” Luffy continued.
“I told you what happened because you, as the captain, need to know,” Sanji gritted out. He had his arms resting on the railing, hands clasped together in order for him to calm his nerves.
Luffy scoffed. “And you didn’t think you almost dying was something I didn’t needed to know?”
“Why aren’t you talking to Zoro about all this? He’s the one who almost died.”
It was a low blow, and Sanji knew it. But he needed something, anything, to take the attention off of him. Luffy didn’t seem phased though. He never really was.
“I already talked to him,” Luffy stated. “Now I’m talking to you.”
Sanji couldn’t avoid it. Burying his palm into his hair Sanji gripped it hard enough to hurt. “What did you want me to do? Stand there and do nothing?”
“You could ha—,”
“You’re going to be the king of the pirates,” Sanji interrupted the man, voice coarse. “And that moss brain is going to be the greatest swordsman in the world.”
Sanji took a hit of his cigarette, trying to keep his voice even.
“I’m just some cook. If I died, no one would care. I wasn’t going to allow you two to die when I’m the most dispensable.”
Suddenly, Luffy grabbed Sanji’s shoulder harshly in order to twist the man around so his back was against the railing. He gripped Sanji’s expensive button up shirt, shaking him slightly. His back slammed against the wood and Sanji’s eyes had blown wide. But Luffy was already talking.
“No one would care?! Are you an idiot?!” Luffy exclaimed, his dark eyes were crazed and they didn’t leave Sanji’s face for a second. “How could you say such a thing?”
The feeling of his back slamming into something was all too familiar. Sanji could still hear their hysterical laughter ringing in his ears. The sensation of hands pulling him one way made Sanji’s skin crawl. Without thinking, Sanji shoved Luffy’s chest hard. Luffy stumbled back a couple steps as Sanji tried to breathe.
“Don’t just fucking,” Sanji spat as he gripped the railing with one hand, trying to get his bearings together again, “touch me.”
Fuck.
He definitely shouldn’t have said that. Sanji’s mind worked overtime, a thousand bells sounded off at once. He hadn’t meant to shove him like that. Is that mutiny? Shit, what if Luffy gets even more angry. He can’t be discarded again. He can’t.
Luffy’s steady voice pulled him from his thoughts.
“Sanji, why do you not like to be touched?”
Sanji felt his veins burn hot. The way in which Luffy stared so earnestly at him, almost as if he was looking through him, made his chest tighten and face flush.
Why indeed?
He had often mused this question to himself. His first thought was forgotten looming castles and stone brick. Sanji could still feel the bruises and broken bones those monsters had given him if he thought hard enough. He thought of that steel mask and prison bars, and how he couldn’t inhale right sometimes.
He hadn’t been wanted.
Sanji’s next thought was that cursed barren island. The dirt under his fingernails and rocks under his body. Shit and vomit covered his entire being back then. Sanji remembered thinking as his stomach ate itself from the inside out, I’m going to die pitiful and useless.
The old man had given him so much remedy that Sanji believed he would always be in his debt. He hadn’t just saved Sanji’s life, but had given it purpose as well. Sanji had worked tirelessly for years in the restaurant. He knew deep down, Zeff would always accept him. But an ugly part of Sanji always feared being discarded. So he kept his hands moving. Kept working.
Setting sail with the others was nothing Sanji had ever experienced before. For the first time in his life he had more than just a debt to repay. He had friends to protect, to serve. He poured himself into cooking and training. Waited on the crew’s every need. Hardened his combat skills so that he wouldn’t be left in the dust. Sanji felt sick at the thought of being useless to them.
Useless to Luffy.
Swallowing thickly, Sanji finally spoke. “I have never been desired before, captain.”
A beat of silence.
Then.
“San—,”
There was a loud crash from the lower deck.
The familiar voice of Nami called out. “Marines!”
Stubbing his cigarette out under his toe, Sanji hid his trembling hands in his pockets. Sanji down casted his eyes, making his way to walk past Luffy and toward the lower deck. As he made it a few feet past the man, Luffy’s voice stopped him.
“Sanji,” was all he said, voice crackling as if it were lightning. A shiver ran down Sanji’s spine, willing the man to stop in his tracks. Luffy’s voice cracked like a whip, almost as if he were a god giving a command.
“We’re finishing this conversation later.”
An order.
Biting the inward of his cheek, Sanji knew he wouldn’t be free from Luffy’s demands. He knew from experience Luffy was painfully persistent, unwilling to relent to anything that displeased him. And Sanji had displeased him.
Well fuck him then.
Without responding, Sanji walked on.
-
They never did finish that conversation.
The ship had docked on the island of Sabaody the next morning, and Sanji hadn’t had a moment to think. Luffy had hit a celestial dragon and they were all positively screwed.
They were running for their lives, from a fucking towering man of a machine and then a goddamn admiral. Sanji, at that moment, truly didn’t understand what was happening. He watched as Zoro, barely being able to stand, stared down a warlord of the sea.
And then he wasn’t.
Gone.
Sanji had only blinked and the green haired swordsman was gone. He had felt the confusion, they all had. No one could process what the fuck just happened.
Then, Luffy screamed.
Brook had been next. He was standing not just two feet away from Sanji as he held his thin bones out in protection. Kuma had made him disappear too.
What the hell am I doing?!
Sanji pulled at the roots of his hair, his chest throbbed. He pushed Ussop off of him, his gaze zeroing in on the warlord. His heart had been racing as he jumped into the air, aiming to kick Kuma point blank. He was flying back before he had even realized Kuma raised his arm.
He hadn’t even pulled himself off of the ground before Ussop was gone as well.
Standing on quivering knees, Sanji only felt pain. His whole body ached, and he was pretty sure his leg was sprained. But none of his physical injuries hurt as bad as the plague on his mind.
He had let it happen again.
He failed to protect them, again.
Sanji had heard a scream then, and it was only as he ran and his lungs burnt that he realized it came from himself. Faintly, he had heard Luffy shouting at him to stop, please stop.
You tried to sacrifice yourself.
But it was too late, and Sanji was already in the air. Kuma’s paw was callous as it made contact with Sanji. He was flying then, faster than his mind could process.
Luffy’s cries were left unheard in the distance.