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It wasn't like today was bad.
And considering the last two weeks, this was barely anything.
So why couldn't he shake this feeling?
Rain had finally gotten a slight break from the constant anxiety that had plagued him the last two weeks. It had been keeping him from sleeping at night, making him exhausted and anxious, which was never a good combination. He had gone to his therapy appointment at the beginning of this week, which had helped get the unnecessary thoughts out of his head for a little bit. But that was three days ago. The relief was starting to wear off.
He had kept his appointments a secret from Payu, not wanting his boyfriend to be worried. He knew his boyfriend wasn't dumb and knew he had been struggling with anxiety, but this was something he couldn't admit to yet. He was afraid Payu would start treating him like glass and walk on egg shells every time they were together. He finds relief in normalcy in the midst of his messy brain and body. Payu was his normal.
But, not telling his boyfriend came with its setbacks. Specifically for times like right now. Rain sat curled up on his bed alone, with headphones plugged in each ear. After the last two week, he found that even going downstairs was a challenge and resulted in small panic attacks any time he left the safety of his room. During the brief times where he had felt peace, he brought snacks and cases of water back upstairs so he could survive alone when it got really bad.
His parents didn't really care what he did. They just assumed he was holed up in his room because of different architecture projects, and he sometimes wondered if they even knew when he was home since he wouldn't come out for days at a time.
He felt both grateful and badly for blowing off Payu, giving the same excuse his parents believed about "school projects". But during those 14 days, there were times he couldn't even look at his phone and read without panicking.
But now here he was, sipping his water slowly and nibbling on crackers because he felt too on edge to have a decent meal. He was buried under a weighted blanket, trying to find any relief for this tight feeling throughout his whole body. He couldn't say he was fully anxious. That's not quite what this was. He just felt... uncomfortable. Like his body was on high alert, but there was nothing around to set him off.
He sighed loudly, tired of continuously facing the same problems over and over again. He closed his eyes while trying to focus on what his therapist had worked on with him. He had already tried having compassion, rather than belittling himself for feeling the way he feels, but it was always difficult when he felt so frustrated.
He reached out his hand to grab the loose papers laying on the desk next to his bed. His therapist liked giving him papers which was helpful so he always had resources to go back to. This week they had talked about regulating his body before it shut down completely into a panic attack. His eyes scanned the paper, looking for an activity to try and regulate himself.
A part of him already knew what he needed, but he was unsure how to go about it. He was a very touchy person, in fact, his love language was touch. He felt comforted and safe when someone hugged him or held his hand for long periods of time. It made him feel like he wasn't alone, and the person next to him could carry part of his burden for a little bit of time. The problem was, while he knew exactly what he needed, he couldn't ask Payu, the only one who could provide it. He knew Sky wouldn't, and honestly he didn't want to bother his friend.
Sure, he and Payu would cuddle or sleep next to each other. And when they were out, Payu would hold his hand sometimes. And while it makes him feel amazing, he only receives that kind of love when there's nothing wrong, because he's only with Payu when he feels normal. He tries the best he can to hide this part of himself. He doesn't want to be a burden, so he shuts Payu out when it gets bad.
"I guess I'm going for a walk." He says to himself while sadly pulling the weighted blanket back. The loss of pressure made his insides recoil a bit, his muscles tightening a little bit more. He sighed while slowly getting dressed and walking out of his safe place.
He didn't think he had been feeling too horrible. I mean, he was able to leave his house, but he wasn't sure at what cost. Because about halfway down the street, his breathing started picking up. His mind kept telling his body that he was unsafe, causing panic to slowly start taking over. He still had music playing in his headphones, and he tried taking small sips of water from the bottle he brought with him. But nothing would truly ground him.
He turned left and began walking up a hill, away from where he usually would go. The hill was pretty large, and he figured the more activity he did, the more his body would be forced to regulate itself. It worked slightly, but soon enough he reached a plateau.
The air was freezing around him, making him shiver. Well, it was either that or the anxiety. The cold should have been grounding, but it didn't do much. It wasn't like his mind was racing, in fact it was pretty much empty besides the knowledge of feeling anxious and wanting it to stop. But his body wouldn't let him catch a break.
"I thought walking was supposed to help." he mumbled to himself out loud. He didn't know what to do at this point. With each passing second, it felt like he was getting more and more worked up. He just needed something to snap him out of this.
His hands nervously reached to his neck. He noticed he had this weird habit of checking his pulse when he was anxious. His heart was beating too quickly for walking on a flat surface. He massaged the muscles around his neck trying to ground himself, but it still wasn't working.
He was so caught up with himself, that he didn't hear his name being called from somewhere behind him. He kept walking, trying to speed up and get home as fast as he couldn't. It was probably another five minutes away, but he wasn't really paying attention to his surroundings.
A hand on his shoulder made him flinch violently and rip the headphones out of his ears. His head whipped around to see Payu. Spinning around so fast made him realize just how out of it he really was. He felt shaky and just wrong.
"Rain?" Payu asked, immediately noticing the boy's breathing increase. He studied Rain's face and noticed his eyes glaze over and become slightly unfocused. Payu cupped his hands around his face.
"Rain, Love, can you hear me?" he asked quietly, assessing the boy's reactions. Rain blinked a few times, trying to clear the haze.
"Y-yes." He stuttered. "I feel..." he stopped to think of the word. "Weak. Like physically. Maybe shaky." he mumbled to Payu. His legs felt like they could collapse. He hadn't realized how weird he was feeling until Payu had stopped him.
Payu nodded in understanding and immediately moved to wrap an arm around his boy, ensuring he wouldn't fall. "It sounds like your blood sugar is low. How long have you been out here?" He asked while maneuvering them both to his parked car a few feet away.
"I'm not sure. I think I saw the clock say 4:22pm when I left?" the boy asked in question, trying to remember.
Payu stopped them in shock. "Rain, that was over forty minutes ago!" he exclaimed, making Rain wince at the sudden noise. Payu cursed slightly at himself before lowering his voice. "It's past 5pm right now." he continued while placing Rain in the passenger seat. "We're five minutes from my place right now."
Rain looked at him with an incredulous look before scanning his surroundings in shock. Had he really walked almost all the way to Payu's house without knowing it?
"I thought I was almost home." he slurred slightly before closing his eyes, letting exhaustion take over. His body felt so weird. He felt so on edge, yet slow and shaky and it was messing with him. His breathing was still a little fast and his pulse was beating at least three times the speed it should have been. He didn't even recognize when Payu left him to get in the driver seat and start the car.
It felt like time was passing slowly and quickly all at the same time. At some point in time, they had reached Payu's house and he was now laying on the bed.
"Eat." Payu said calmly while holding what looked like chocolate. He opened his mouth without question.
"Your blood sugar is really low. That paired with your anxiety probably isn't helping. And you went outside in the cold after being in your room for who knows how long." Payu kept rambling on, Rain barely keeping up.
"Too many... words." Rain finally got out. His senses were all out of wack.
"Sorry love, you'll feel better soon." Payu answered before going silent. He let Rain continue eating while he went to dim the lights slightly. As much as Rain tried to keep his anxiety a secret, it was fairly easy to figure out his tells and what made him overwhelmed. It seemed that his senses would overload quickly in this kind of state.
While Rain continued eating the chocolate, Payu took out his phone to order some takeout set to be delivered in a couple hours. Lord only knows when Rain actually ate a decent meal. He had been very distant the last couple of weeks, and he knew for sure he didn't have many project to do, courtesy of his conversation with Sky a couple weeks ago when he had started getting worried.
Once Rain was finished, Payu took the wrapper and instructed Rain to lay down further and close his eyes. He threw the wrapper away in the wastebasket and proceeded to plug in a fan so his boyfriend could get a little fresh air. He knew that the boy's face would get flushed when he felt anxious, so he wanted to make sure Rain was comfortable and his face wasn't too warm.
He returned to the bed once again after he mentally checked everything off. He laid next to Rain and gently stroked his hair, trying to help the boy fall asleep. The dark circles under the boy's eyes did not go unnoticed, so he knew Rain was not sleeping well.
"I'm right here my good boy. I've got you." he whispered. His lips curled upwards as he saw Rain shift and give a satisfied hum at the light scratching at his head, as if he was some sort of cat. Payu chuckled at the thought.
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Rain's brain slowly began waking up after feeling a gentle hand tracing his arm. He peeled his eyes open to see Payu giving him a kind and loving smile.
"Hi." Payu said quietly. "How are you feeling?"
Rain sat up slightly, shaking his head to wake up more. "I don't feel shaky anymore." he replied. The panic had settled, but the on edge feeling remained, keeping him from fully relaxing at the touch Payu was giving him. It helped, but it wasn't enough. But he refused to ask for more.
Payu hummed in response, tilting his head in thought. "You only slept for an hour, so you should be able to still sleep tonight." he began. "I figured a nap would help your heart slow down a bit. I felt it racing when I carried you inside." he kept his eyes on Rain's face, but the boy looked away from him. He paused his tracing and grabbed his boy's hand, noticing the way Rain melted slightly.
"Love, I know that you get anxious. And I know you've only had one project due in the two weeks since I've seen you. You don't have to hide from me." he said gently, making sure Rain knew he wasn't angry. Rain sighed but squeezed Payu's hand.
"I'm sorry." Rain said, his eyes watering slightly. The pressure in his chest kept increasing and he didn't know how to deal with it. Payu was so close, yet he felt too far away from him. The pressure in his hand grounded him a little more, but it wasn't what he wanted. Don't be a burden.
Payu wiped away a stray tear that fell down Rain's face. "You don't have to apologize, love. I just want to help you. Please let me help you." he pleaded. He hated seeing Rain so sad.
Rain refused to answer. He didn't want things to change. He didn't want Payu to treat him like he was fragile even more so than he already did.
"I promise nothing will change. I want to work through it with you and give you anything you need." Payu replied. Did I say that out loud? Rain asked himself. Payu chuckled and used his free hand to move the stray hairs that fell in the boy's face. Rain instinctively leaned his head further into the touch.
Payu tiled his head at the action. "Touch helps you, doesn't it." he said softly. And finally Rain crumbled.
"Please." he let out a painful whimper as more tears fell down his face. "It hurts so much."
Payu moved his body closer to Rain's. "What hurts baby? Tell me what to do. What do you need?" his voice so soft and understanding, encouraging his boy to tell him his needs.
"M-my whole body i-is so tense." Rain said brokenly. "I can't shake it off no matter what I do." he cried. Payu nodded in understanding, making sure Rain knew he was listening.
"How can I touch you to help it go away?" Payu asked him quietly.
"I-I need to feel protected on all sides. A-and have s-some sort of pressure on my whole b-body. I-I've tried using my weighted blanket, but it's n-not enough." the boy stuttered with more tears falling, scared to finally be voicing his needs.
As soon as the instructions left Rain's mouth, Payu moved. He gently crawled on top of him, before laying down, making sure he wasn't crushing him too much. As soon as most of his weight was on him, he heard Rain sigh in relief.
Payu tangled his legs with Rain's, making sure they were touching in some way. He also brought his hands up to stroke the boy's hair soothingly. He dropped his head to give light kisses to Rain's shoulder.
"How is this?" he asked, checking in. Rain wrapped his arms around Payu and hugged him closer. His tears slowing down.
"It feels so nice." he whispered, finally feeling his muscles relax under the weight. His breathing was slower, since his lungs were slightly being crushed, but it helped him not feel panicked. He was only inhaling Payu's scent which was comforting to him.
Payu moved his right hand away from the boy's head and slowly moved it up and down against Rain's side.
"How about this?" he said even quieter than before. A thought passed through Rain's head, but he ignored it and nodded instead. Payu chuckled, noticing the slightest delay in his response. "You can tell me." he said while continuing his ministrations.
He waited a few more moments, not knowing if he was asking too much. Payu waited for him patiently, going at whatever pace the boy needed.
"S-skin?" he muttered under his breath. Payu smiled and rubbed their noses together lovingly.
"Good boy." he praised, making Rain blush slightly. Payu immediately moved his hand so it was under the boy's shirt. Rain shivered both from the touch and how cold Payu's hand was. Payu lightly moved his hand up and down again making Rain sigh happily again.
"Never be afraid to ask me for what you need. I will always be here for you no matter what. I can always give this to you." Payu told him sincerely, making Rain smile.
"Thank you." Rain said, finally feeling the anxiety drain from his body as tiredness took its place. He felt his eyes slipping closed at the feeling of complete safety and love surrounding him. Every sense was filled with Payu.
"I love you." he said before drifting off.
"I love you too." Payu replied with a soft smile. I always will.