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“Come on,” they had said. “It’ll be fun!” They had said. “We’ll have a blast,” they had said.
Goro, decidedly, is not “having a blast”. This is not what he had envisioned when Ann had asked them here. This isn’t even what he had envisioned when she had revealed why she had asked them all here.
No, what he had envisioned when they had stepped foot into the make-shift audition room had been this:
He’d stalk around the back, act annoyed when he flawlessly passed the audition for his part, and make himself so unbearable to work with that Mishima would decide to get an actual actor to play the part while the rest of Akira’s (and, begrudgingly, his) friends had their fun. Goro would stick around to watch their antics and make a snide comment here and there, the only thing between him and leaving Akira’s puppy eyes.
But no. And really, he should’ve known better than to expect anything resembling sense from these idiots.
Auditioning to play themselves in Mishima’s little documentary, years after their high-school stint of heroism (or villainy in his case, Goro supposes), would’ve been stupid, but still somewhat logical. And Ann having been asked if she wanted to take part, he can understand; her acting had improved a lot in the recent years from the almost uncanny, wooden attempts he had had the misfortune to witness on a few occasions, and well - the star power would sell, he’s sure.
That she’d drag the rest of them into it shouldn’t even have been a surprise.
What had been a surprise, however, was when Ann stepped in front of Mishima and loudly proclaimed she'd be auditioning for the part of “Kotone”, the straight-laced student council president.
And things went south after that.
Her audition had been… something, Ann simply wasn’t made to be serious like that, new and improved acting skills or not. But Mishima had given her the role, and she had motioned for the next ex-thief to take their turn.
Leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, Goro watches her step back and exchange a glance with Akira. The mischievous glint in his eyes makes Goro narrow his own, and he already has a very bad feeling of where this is going.
His fears are proven mostly right.
With a wink, Akira steps onto the stage and tells Mishima: “I would like to audition for the part of Suzume Toyoda, corporate heiress and second-to-last addition to the Phantom Thieves of Hearts.”
Goro is going to strangle him. Years after his original murder plan had failed, he would drag Akira home to their shared apartment and kill him then and there for the audacity of participating in this stupidity.
Not that he should have expected anything else, and he mentally kicks himself for ever believing Akira would pass up a chance to be a menace.
Though if he’s being honest, he’s a little offended Akira chose Okumura’s part instead of Goro’s, if he wasn’t going to play himself. That could’ve been fun , in a very loose sense of the word. Watching Akira try and act like him, maybe even taking Akira’s part for himself and turning their little cat and mouse game around.
But no, Akira wanted to be Okumura.
He aces the audition, all sweet smiles and genuine conviction. Ann gives him a thumbs up from behind Mishima, who’s looking slightly wary now. He’d laid his hero worship of the Phantom Thieves to rest with the years, thank fuck , but they were still his friends and Goro realizes Mishima is still just enough of a doormat to be unable to say no to them, even in this matter.
And really, it’s a documentary about them - who is Mishima to say what they can and can’t do with it?
Akira gets the part, obviously, and Ryuji cheers in the background.
“I’m gonna go next!” He hollers, and Goro is immediately filled with a wave of apprehension. He’s far too excited, and that’s always cause for worry. Distantly, Goro thinks how lucky Yoshizawa is to not have to bear witness to any of this, being out of the country for an important competition as of right now. If only they could swap places. He might not have any experience with gymnastics, but at least Yoshizawa would enjoy this a lot more than Goro currently is.
With a broad grin, Ryuji steps in front of Mishima. “I’m gonna try out for Ren Amamiya! Playing the leader sounds fun, and I’ve always been kinda his right hand man anyways so I got this!”
Ryuji, Goro thinks, does not have this. His portrayal of Akira is shoddy. It’s barely different from how Ryuji usually acts, even if he tries to reign in his boisterous body language and speak a little more properly. With all the time those two spend together, Goro would at least assume he’d have a better grasp on Akira’s speech pattern.
Miraculously, he passes. Left-over gratitude and an inability to say no to the cheery grin on Ryuji’s face is likely what did Mishima in and Goro decides then and there that he’d work Ryuji twice as hard during their next trip to the gym. It probably won’t teach him the intended lesson, but at least Goro can get some catharsis out of it.
Next to him, Futaba snickers. Her laugh is the same gremlin-cackle she gets when she’s about to hold the fact that she got her grubby little fingers on the newest episode of Featherman a week before it’ll air over Goro’s head, the one that usually tells him he’ll either be blackmailed into buying her a new figurine or stew in agony for a week avoiding her so she can’t spoil him if he doesn’t give in to her blackmail.
Sometimes he regrets allowing them to bond over the show. It had been a safe topic for them to talk about, something that didn’t dredge up ugly memories and anger and guilt.
Now, though, this wasn’t about Featherman, and Goro is sure she’s just laughing at his misery.
“So”, she starts, wiggling her eyebrows. “Who are you gonna audition for?”
“No one if I can fucking help it,” he grits out, watching as Niijima steps onto the stage next.
She seems less sure of herself in this than the rest, and Goro almost hopes she’ll too decide to take no part in this. As much as he loathed to admit it, she was the one with the most common sense in this ragtag group of clowns in his opinion, besides Goro himself of course.
For a moment he holds his breath and silently vows that if she puts a stop to it, he’d treat her and Sae to sushi next week.
Niijima, unfortunately, disappoints him, who could’ve fucking guessed.
“I’d like to audition for Hana Iwasaki, the group’s hacker.” Her voice wavers slightly, and Goro rolls his eyes.
No sushi for you, then , he thinks a little too vindictively. It would’ve been the expensive kind too.
Her portrayal of Futaba is surprisingly good, as long as she’s sticking to a more… depressed Futaba. The mischievous little shit comes a little harder to her, and Goro can’t help but laugh when she stumbles over a techy term or two.
“Ann and Akira set her up to this one,” Futaba explains, watching as Mishima sighs and explains that Niijima passed the audition. So Akira had known about this from the start? He really should’ve guessed that. Akira is far too perceptive for Ann to be able to slip something like this past him, but it does make Goro wonder if he’s the only one who hadn’t been in the know from the start. It surely would explain the secretive smile Akira had worn this morning, and they probably all knew he wouldn’t have shown up here had they told him from the beginning. Menaces, every single one of them. Curse them for wanting him to be part of their idiotic group activities. “She wanted to do Haru’s part first, but Akira called dibs on that wayyyyyy early. I think he just wants a chance to wear Haru’s outfits.”
As much as Goro loathes to admit it, Okumura does have a pretty good sense of style. And Akira never passes up the chance to try something new with his clothes, now that he’s not forced to lay low and be as unnoticeable as possible anymore. Goro still remembers the heart attack he had almost had when Akira came home in a full goth get-up one day, spiky collar and all.
The outfit hadn’t lasted long but… some parts had been kept in a drawer of their dresser, much to Akira’s amusement. The platform boots still existed too, cluttering up their entryway awaiting further use.
Futaba is still looking at Goro waiting for a reaction, but he just nods.
“You know,” she speaks again, and her tone of voice makes it clear she just wants to push his buttons right now. “Akira would reaaaaally be happy if you joined in too.”
Oh goddammit. Fine.
“I guess I’ll just play myself, then.” He scoffs. As if any of them could capture his character accurately anyways.
Futaba’s grin widens, and Goro feels apprehension spike in his chest.
“Nope, that’s against the rules! And besides -” She gestures to the stage, just as Okumura walks on.
She wouldn’t. There’s no way she would do this, no fucking way.
Okumura turns to where Goro and Futaba are waiting, and the smile she gives him sends chills down his spine.
“I’d love to try out for Kazuo Tanaka’s part! Playing the detective sounds like a fun role!” She has the fucking audacity to end with a giggle, and Mishima stammers our a nervous “s-sure” before allowing Okumura to start reading her lines.
His lines , fucking hell.
Goro is sure the look he gives her is positively murderous right now, because next to him Futaba doubles over laughing. She knew Okumura would do this, and didn’t think to warn him. No one ever fucking does, apparently. And when he catches Akira’s eyes, dancing with laughter, a familiar shit eating grin on his face, Goro knows that Akira had been on this one too.
Betrayal, by his own fucking boyfriend.
Though, he supposes, that’s kind of fair. Karma, and all that.
And what he hates even more than Okumura snatching the only acceptable part left from under his nose, snatching his own part up as if it was nothing, is that she’s good at it. The way she acts out his polite fakeness masking murderous intent is eery in just the right way, and Goro can’t help but be fascinated by her acting prowess.
Other than Ann, she’d probably be the only one who’d still get the part if Mishima wasn’t such a yes man.
Okumura passes, of course she does, and Goro is facing a dilemma: Stay here and brood (which is what he really wants to do), but potentially risk Akira convincing him to take whatever part is left. He’d eat his own foot before he tries to talk like Ryuji does, even if Goro likes him enough to enjoy his company for athletic outings. And as much as he derides Mishima for being a doormat, Goro too is weak to Akira and, knowing that, would probably cave if Akira asked him to play along.
Or, he thinks with all the dread of a man standing at the gallows, awaiting his execution, he could face his fate and at least be able to choose his poison.
Fucking hell. He curses under his breath and looks to the stage again. Kitagawa is sitting next to Niijima, clad in his hideously colorful monster of a scarf, appearing as though he’s contemplating whether to take the opportunity, when Goro decides fuck it and speaks up:
“I’ll go next.” And get this fucking shitshow over with.
He snatches the script Futaba holds out to him from her grip with a bit too much force and grits his teeth. Quickly, he skips to the last available, somewhat bearable part.
“So uh,” Mishima stammers, his expression a mix between bewilderment and fear. “Who are you auditioning for?”
“Itsuki Shinohara, the groups starving artist. ” He sends a glare Kitagawa’s way and hopes it’s enough to make the other spontaneously combust. Not that he has anything against him specifically, he holds no grudge against him. But Goro is still less than happy about having to play him because by how things have gone so far, no matter how badly he does he won’t get out of this anymore. His pride wouldn’t allow him to flub this anyways, but the point stands that he could and it’d still sign his death sentence.
The flowery language isn’t the worst thing he could be trying for, and Goro likes to think he captures Kitagawa’s eccentricity well enough in his little soliloquy. Sure enough, Mishima nods. “You got the role,” he mumbles sheepishly, not meeting Goro’s eyes.
Good. Now he can go back to sulking in the corner, even though he would vehemently deny that that’s what he’s doing. He’s brooding , thank you very much. Returning to his previous spot, he passes Futaba on the way who seems to have decided to go next.
She’d really come a long way since high school, Goro has to admit it. The grin she gives him has a teasing edge to it, though there’s still a hint of nervousness under that. For once in his life, Goro decides to play nice and return her smile with what he hopes is an encouraging nod and then she’s gone.
Instead, Akira has taken her place leaning against the wall with a broad smile.
“See!” He exclaims when Goro walks up to him, reaching out to pull him close. Goro just barely resists kicking him in the shin.“That was fun, wasn’t it?”
“If that’s your idea of fun, you’re even more of a masochist than I thought,” he hisses back, wrapping an arm around Akira’s waist nonetheless. Akira doesn’t even deign his mockery with faked outrage or offense, instead he just laughs. Loud and brilliant and warm, and Goro feels himself melt into his touch a little.
He’s gone so fucking soft and he can’t even be mad about it.
Without further comment, he lets his head fall against Akira’s shoulder, allowing the other to card his fingers through his hair. They, too, have come a long way, and not just in terms of Goro becoming more comfortable with public displays of affection. It’s nice, and for a moment he almost forgets where they are and the absolute fucking shitshow he got roped into.
And then Futaba is back, a whirlwind demanding her quasi-brother’s attention for getting the part of Ann. Something about her ginger hair fitting right in with Ann (or, in Mishima’s version of the story, Beth ) being a quarter-American apparently the reason behind her choice, but Goro doesn’t care. He just wants to go home and threaten Akira with making him sleep on the couch for a week for dragging him into this, even though they both know he never would. Eat whatever Akira makes for dinner and kick back with this week’s Featherman episode and forget this ever happened.
A quiet laugh shakes Akira’s body, and Goro looks up again to see why. Kitagawa is on stage, and where Goro thought he’d be auditioning for Ryuji’s part now… Kitagawa is meowing. Apparently, Kitagawa agrees with Goro on not wanting to attempt Ryuji’s manner of speech and has chosen the role of Morgana instead. The fucking cat.
That gets a snicker out of Goro too, and Futaba joins it. Morgana himself is hanging around Ann and Okumura from what Goro can see, and even though he can’t hear them, the indignant expression on the cat’s face is absolutely hysterical.
Mishima is more than a little flustered when Kitagawa offers to go on all fours, assuring him there’s no need for that as Kitagawa returns to his strangely expressive meowing.
“I should still have a pair of cat ears somewhere,” Futaba muses next to them, visibly amused and excited. “I wonder if they’ll fit Inari though, he’ll have to pay me back if he breaks them.”
“With what money?” Goro asks, and Akira chuckles again. It’s a sound Goro will never get enough of, and he delights in knowing he’s the one who caused it.
Now that all of the ex-thieves had a go at their audition, Mishima clears his throat.
“Thank you all for your… great efforts, I’m very excited to be working with all of you on this project!” Something about his face tells Goro that he’s not being honest, his wry smile clearly spelling apprehension. His poor little pet-project will likely go up in flames because of these heroes, now in their early 20s but never having lost their childish joy of causing comedic mayhem.
“You should all have a copy of the script, and we’ll-” Abruptly he stops, eyes wide. “Wait, we’re missing one! Who’s going to play Sakamoto-kun? I could do it, but I have to direct at the same time…”
Ann’s laugh rings clear through the room as she shakes her head and holds up a struggling cat. “Morgana can do it!”
And holy fuck, if the looks on Mishima, Morgana and Ryuji’s faces isn’t worth this hell, then Goro doesn’t know what is. Akira almost topples over laughing, and Goro tries to hold him steady to the best of his abilities, unable to hold back a bark of laughter of his own.
Mishima crumbles under Ann’s insistent gaze. “Alright,” he concedes, and Goro almost commends him for not stammering. “Please make sure to learn your lines, we’ll start shooting the Aizome Arc next week.” Location name changed for privacy and all that, even though everyone and their fucking dog can find out what school the Phantom Thieves started out in.
The ex-thieves giggle and chatter as they filter out of the room, and so begins the absolute stupidest few weeks of Goro’s life.
Akira is relentless in getting him to learn his lines, and Goro curses his publisher for not having any important deadlines lined up for him currently. His second novel will go into print soon, everything’s arranged, and there’s fucking nothing he has to do now that he could be using as an excuse to avoid learning his stupid lines.
Mishima’s writing isn’t terrible , but it’s a far-cry from Goro’s own. He feels more than a little smug about it as he reads over Beth’s tearful pleading to be allowed into the Phantom Thieves. Goro himself doesn’t even show up until the second arc, and all Akira has to do is walk around in the background a few times until the 5th arc. Still, his boyfriend holds his morning coffee hostage time and time again to drag Goro to the set for every single day.
He barely pays the extras playing the adults any mind, likely former classmates from Mishima’s film classes and young actors desperate for work. Most of them aren’t bad actors, not on the level some of the ex-thieves are, but they’re all entirely forgettable. The girl playing Not-Shiho does a piss-poor job if he’s being honest, but in a way he’s almost glad about it. He wasn’t there for it, but he doubts Ann would want to see this particular moment in vivid, emotional detail, even if it’s Futaba playing her part. Boss’s actor certainly doesn’t manage to convey the kindness under his rough, yet still charming exterior, waffling between too-nice and too-cold in an endless cycle, and Not-Kamoshida is more pathetic than intimidating.
With amusement, he watches as Akira stands around in the hallway talking to one of the extras over and over again until Mishima is satisfied with the shot of Ryuji, Kitagawa, Morgana and the actor playing Mishima himself running through the hallways to confront not-Kamoshida. Okumura’s style of clothing looks good on Akira, even if the wig is more than a little ridiculous. The skirt accentuates his infuriatingly long legs and Goro just knows Akira is going to look incredibly smug when he inevitably catches Goro’s eyes wandering. Little shit.
Akira’s old fake glasses look hilarious on Ryuji who even went through the effort of dying his hair back to black for the role, but that’s somehow still the least funny part of the scene. Morgana has been given a yellow shirt and Kitagawa is sporting Futaba’s cat ears on his head. The only one looking normal in the scene is Mishima’s actor, even though he does look like he’d rather be anywhere else right now.
Probably not how the poor sod imagined his first acting gig to go.
Eventually, Mishima is satisfied and allows them to proceed, and Futaba joins them in the set. They hadn’t gotten permission to actually film at Shujin (and it’s no surprise why), so all they’re working with are rather shoddy replicas.
Goro snickers as Futaba begins Beth’s tearful monologue about wanting to help the Phantom Thieves to take down not-Kamoshida, speaking to Morgana as if he’s audibly for everyone else saying Ryuji’s lines. Unfortunately, anyone who isn’t a former persona user is currently missing out on Morgana’s mocking imitation of Ryuji, perfectly remembering his lines because Akira actually made him learn them.
The reactions to Akira posting a picture of Morgana studying his lines on his Instagram had been incredibly amusing.
Kitagawa meows full of admiration at Beth and her willpower, and Goro can see Futaba and Ryuji trying to keep a straight face at Morgana’s indignant squawking of “I don’t sound like that!”. And since no one seems to have been willing to divulge metaverse secrets to Mishima, they skip straight to the calling card and not- Kamoshida’s pathetic confession of his crimes after a conspiratory meeting on the roof.
Goro supposes that’s for the better; at least the world won’t know of his past as a supernatural assassin this way.
The shooting concludes for the day and Akira returns to his side. One arc down, six to go, apparently.
The next time they’re filming, Goro has to fucking stalk Futaba’s Beth, and he hopes that someone had a talk with Kitagawa about this. An intervention even, maybe. Because what the fuck.
Futaba plays up the creeped out factor, and Kitagawa just meows in agreement. What the fuck. Ryuji as Ren tries his best to be a voice of reason, and Goro feels a little uncomfortable when he has to act hostile towards them and push them away while they’re still adamant to save him. It hits just a little too close to home and he wonders if Kitagawa felt similarly when he saw Goro’s breakdown in the engine room.
When Futaba shows up from the costume room wearing layers upon layers of clothing and reenacts Ann’s horrible high school acting in the shitty replica of Madarme’s shitty shack in front of Goro, he nearly breaks the paint brush he’s holding. Kitagawa lets out a pained meow. Fucking hell.
How did these idiots ever outsmart him? Every one of them is more ridiculous than the next, and Goro is thankful that he has to turn around while Futaba takes off her unending layers. A moment later, Kitagawa returns, meowing and clearly demanding them to follow him. They discover the room with the fake paintings, not-Madarame chases them out, and that’s a wrap on that.
The calling card is posted at the exhibit, or a pitiful recreation of it at least. Akira tosses him a bottle of water in the break room and Goro shoots him a look. “Please tell me this didn’t really happen like that.”
“I could, but then I’d be lying,” his boyfriend laughs, and Goro empties his water in a single go. How? How was he outsmarted by these morons? He hopes at least the appearance of Kotone would raise the IQ on set above room temperature.
The next arc, the “Mafia Arc” as Mishima had called it, starts filming a few days later and Goro already dreads it the moment they walk on set. He doesn’t have to be there today, he’s only here because Akira wants to be there for literally every scene apparently. There’s no reason for him being here besides being a good boyfriend, because Kitagawa wasn’t fucking there for this bit. Because they’re starting on the TV station of all fucking things.
Okumura is already there, looking sharp in what’s not quite Goro’s old get-up but a somewhat modified version of it. The blazer is a different color and the emblem of his old school is missing, but she’s still sporting that hideous striped tie. Her hair had been smoothed down to resemble Goro’s more than her own usual fluff, and she’s already sitting in her place on the colorful make-shift stage. The polite curve of her smile feels mocking, and Goro thinks it might just be on purpose as she retells his horribly embarrassing Santa Claus joke.
This is how he dies. His cognitive double couldn’t kill him on Shido’s god-forsaken boat, he survived Maruki’s fake reality. He cheated death twice and now it’s here to take him, in the form of Haru Okumura walking up to Ryuji’s Ren and word for word, giving him the same spiel he once did to Akira.
When she begins to say “To paraphrase Hegel…” Goro nearly has a stroke. The line is still burned into his brain from the sheer embarrassment he feels for his teenage self, because it’s not just dramatic, but also wrong . Of course the triad isn’t complete with just the thesis and antithesis bullshit, but it isn’t even fucking Hegelian.
Akira is giggling next to him, and Goro glares at his boyfriend. This is what might be the second most embarrassing moment of his whole life, and Akira is laughing. A moment later, he feels a hand brush against his, and then Akira’s fingers intertwine with his own. “For what it’s worth,” he says softly. “I thought it was cute. Still do.” There’s a faint blush on Akira’s cheeks and Goro can’t help but bridge the gap between them and press a quick kiss to the other’s lips. He can feel Akira smiling against him and when he pulls back, there’s only fond amusement in his eyes. At least his teenage stupidity had paid off in the end.
Returning to Aizome Academy, Ann’s Kotone had been stalking them for a while now. What the fuck is it with the stalking? Goro wonders idly. At least Niijima was doing it on her silly little investigation. Still, he can’t help but feel a bit of a kindred spirit in her when Kotone blackmails her way into the Phantom Thieves, Ann’s recreation of it no doubt far less frightening than Niijima herself probably was. As much as she seems like a stick in the mud sometimes, he knows Niijima is more than sharp and packs a mean punch. He can see Akira watching from the sidelines with a grin on his face as Ann tries her best to recreate Niijima’s prissy demeanor from back then, Morgana-as-Ryuji spewing more curses than Goro had ever heard the cat say in the whole time of knowing him. It’s just a shame that the world at large will never get to hear that.
He hadn’t had any knowledge previously about how exactly Niijima had joined the thieves, but he supposes he now knows what exactly Akira had meant when he had told him a few years ago after one too many drinks that he had had the tiniest crush on Niijima at some point and if that didn’t mean he had the most specific type in the history of types, then he didn’t know either.
Smart brunettes with red eyes who blackmail their way into his friend group and could easily beat someone up, apparently. His boyfriend is hopeless, and Goro hopes the look he sends Akira lets him know just how impossible he thinks he is.
Goro’s Itsuki isn’t as emotive about it as the rest, and Futaba and Ann try their best at reenacting an argument that apparently had taken place between Ann and Niijima. For a moment, he considers how odd it must feel for Ann to act out the same argument from the other side, but she does it like a champ. Futaba’s voice cracks on more than one occasion, but Mishima seems fine with it. Or maybe “fine” isn’t entirely correct. Mishima seems more like he’s given up at this point already, and they’re maybe about halfway through.
They gather information in Shibuya and go to the diner again, because Mishima didn’t have the funds for another set so the diner it is instead of karaoke, and soon enough Goro is allowed to return to the sidelines where Akira is already waiting. His job currently is still no more than walking around in the background of the Shujin scenes sometimes, but he seems to have fun doing it. They watch together as Ryuji’s Ren and Morgana’s Ryota Tsukuda go to Shinjuku with Cat-Kitagawa to meet with the journalist that had disturbed the two of them on their… not quite date at the aquarium all those years ago. The guy playing the police officer stopping them for Ryota’s school uniform seems to barely be holding it together as he questions what to all but the ex-thieves appears to be an ordinary cat and Ryuji, Kitagawa and Morgana make a run for it.
Goro turns to look at Akira.
“Before you ask,” the other speaks up before Goro gets the chance to. “Yes, this did happen.” There’s a wide grin on his face as Morgana is forced to wait by the door while Ryuji and Kitagawa walk inside. Kitagawa occasionally meows in reaction to something Ryuji’s Ren discusses with the actress playing Ohya, and soon they’re on their way again, now knowing Kaneshiro’s name.
The rest plays out the same as previously: Calling cards are sent, the script lets them know there will be a fade to black, and the next thing will be an edited-in version of the news broadcasts surrounding Kaneshiro’s arrest.
With the Medjet arc, Goro has to admit he had been curious to see how it would play out in Mishima’s documentary. A few days after the last bits of the Kaneshiro arc conclude, they’re back in the studio.
Before the action kicks off, however, Ryuji’s Ren is invited to the darts and billiard lounge by Okumura’s Kazuo, and Goro can’t help the judging look he gives Akira. Out of all the silly timewasters to include in this documentary, because by now he knows Akira had been helping Mishima with it, he really decided to include one of their outings?
“We thought it’d make the story more interesting,” Akira grins, and Goro hates that he’s right.
The Medjet arc actually makes use of Medjet’s threats online, Mishima tells them. They’ll be editing in screenshots of those, most likely with a voiceover. Their contact with Alibaba too consists of mostly voiced text messages between Ryuji’s Ren and Niijima’s Hana.
There’s no change of heart this time, just a couple of very convincing kids. They all break into Boss’s house (Really? Really? ) and the lights go out, Ann and Futaba screaming as Niijima tries her best to put on a brave face and scare Ann’s Kotone from behind. When Ann drops to her knees and clings to Ryuji’s leg in fear while Goro, Futaba, Kitagawa and Morgana go into hiding, Goro thinks he found something new to tease Niijima over.
Niijima, honestly, looks ridiculous in an approximation of Futaba’s usual clothes. It’s so completely not her style that it’s just plain funny. She’s learned her lines well and barely stumbles over any of the tech jargon anymore, and swiftly defeats Medjet as the Phantom Thieves seemingly cure her depression with two cases of unlawful entry and a good heart to heart.
And then comes the part that physically pains Goro to do. Apparently, Kitagawa disassembled Futaba’s Featherman figurines during their first proper conversation in her room and put them back together looking absolutely horrid and wrong , and Akira and Mishima thought it was a good idea to include this here and force Goro to commit such an atrocity. Comedic relief his ass.
Judging by the look on Futaba’s face, she’s also not thrilled about having to see some poor, innocent figurines (though only two of them here for budgetary reasons) be mangled like this once more. How Futaba ever forgave Kitagawa for his crime against her prized possessions, Goro doesn’t know.
After that shoot, Goro and Futaba share a silent moment for all the Featherman merch that has suffered under Kitagawa’s hands, and Kitagawa promises to make it up to Futaba by drawing her favorite character for her. Ridiculous amount of detail and all.
According to the script, a quick landscape shot of a beach and some voice over will end the Medjet arc. No time and money to get permission to film there, apparently, and the trip to Hawaii will receive the same treatment. Mishima and Akira both seem relieved at that, and Goro makes a mental note to ask if something happened in Hawaii once he and Akira are back at their apartment.
Goro regrets asking what happened in Hawaii that evening.
When the Toyoda Arc approaches (Not that the name change will help with anonymity, given how fucking public the whole mess was), Goro knows he’ll feel uncomfortable the whole time. Watching Akira walk around in his Suzume get-up almost makes up for it, though, even if everyone on set agrees the wig is the worst thing they’ve ever seen. Akira always looks great, Goro would set anyone who disagrees on fire, but the occasions where he gets to show off his legs are always Goro’s favorite. Shorts, dresses, skirts, whatever. His gaze is always inevitably drawn to his boyfriend’s legs, and Akira knows it too.
Kitagawa’s impression of a hurt cat is pitiful, so much so that Goro thinks Ann might actually be crying while Kitwaga is lying on the floor, pressing out pained meows and looking up at the rest with huge, sad eyes. Akira’s Suzume is fiercely protective of cat-Kitagawa, and Morgana seems to forget himself for a moment and actually bites the poor fucker playing Okumura’s ex-fiancé. The guy ends up storming out and running to the next doctor’s office, and filming that day concludes with a scene of Okumura’s Kazuo in a TV studio.
She seems to have way too much fun playing up the sad, pathetic look Goro would give the media when talking about his waning popularity. The false conviction with which she speaks of the unjust Phantom Thieves and Goro’s own justice has a mocking undertone, and Goro supposes he deserves that. These interviews from back then always make his skin crawl with all the bullshit he used to spew, but Okumura’s over-acting makes it almost funny.
They finish up the Toyoda arc over the next few days, and none of them come in when Toyoda Senior’s actor films the scene of the press conference.
Their next time on set begins with the Phantom Thieves in a worse replica of Akira’s already shitty attic, and Goro can’t help but wonder why they didn’t just film at the actual fucking attic. Though he supposes it would be quite the trouble for Leblanc, and no one really wants to bother Boss with it.
They discuss their next move and the upcoming school festival, and soon enough they get to a scene of Ryuji’s Ren walking into not-Leblanc, only to be met with Okumura sitting at the counter, welcoming him home with a teasing smile. Goro isn’t sure whether the teasing smile is supposed to be in-character, or if it’s directed at him and Akira.
“Honey, ’m home!” Ryuji answers, much louder than Akira ever talks, and next to Goro, Akira laughs softly.
“You’re not the only one who’s cheesy teenage self will be put on blast for the world,” Akira tells him, nudging him with his shoulder. “I can’t believe you didn’t notice I was flirting with you.”
It’s entirely obvious now too, watching their interactions played out by Ryuji and Okumura.
“Important revenge plans and all that,” Goro answers, trying his best to sound flippant. Akira takes his hand. “And yet you still managed to find time to fall for me.”
Deciding not to grace that with a response, Goro gets ready for the fucking school festival.
Watching Okumura pretend to choke on spicy food would be much more funny if he didn’t remember feeling like he was about to kick the bucket from eating it back then. The burn had been horrible, and he had ripped a water bottle from some poor stall vendor’s hand before he could even finish naming the price, chugged it in one go, and slammed down way too much money before hurriedly making an exit.
Fun times.
Okumura as Kazuo blackmails her way into the phantom thieves, and Goro almost dies of mortification when Okumura and Ryuji actually act out his and Akira’s conversation after their metaverse duel. Sans actual metaverse duel, of course, replaced by a game of billiard.
Okumura actually fucking throws her glove at Ryuji, who doesn’t manage to react in time and it hits him square in the face. Somewhere behind the scenes, Morgana cackles. Ryuji topples over, less from the impact and more from surprise, and Okumura immediately follows to make sure he’s okay. Goro almost throws his script at Mishima when he doesn’t call for a reshoot of the scene and instead moves on to the next one.
Eventually, the sixth arc ends with Ryuji’s Ren getting arrested not by dozens upon dozens police officers, but three actors who look like they got their outfits from a Halloween costume shop. “Budget,” Mishima sheepishly reminds them when Goro shoots him a Look.
They don’t show what happens in the interrogation room after Okumura’ Kazuo walks in, only play a bad gunshot sound effect. Because how the fuck would they even explain that. How the fuck do you make a not supernatural version of “tricking Goro into thinking he just shot Akira when he only shot a cognitive double by pulling them into the fucking Metaverse at just the right time”?
And to be quite honest, Goro is also quite relieved that this particularly cheesy one-liner doesn’t end up on the big screen. “This is how your justice ends,” he’d said with an absolutely batshit smile Futaba by now had dubbed his Light Yagami expression. So very dramatic. And so the interrogation room and everything surrounding it just receives another fade to black, and the ex-thieves return after a few days for the home stretch of the movie. For authenticity, they'll be reusing a lot of the actual broadcasts around this time. Nothing to do with having to save money, of course.
For… obvious reasons, Mishima’s documentary stops after Shido’s defeat. If the interrogation room and the Thieves’ shitty plan (Because seriously , so much could’ve gone fucking wrong, holy shit. Though Goro supposes he’s throwing stones in a glass house when it comes to shitty plans) would have been hard to explain without including Metaverse fuckery, Mementos almost merging with the real world would be an absolute nightmare to attempt. Not to mention the insane amount of special effects that would simply be way out of Mishima’s budget.
Not that Goro remembers that particular shitshow, no. He’d been in a (almost literally, now that he thinks about it) god-forsaken coma at the time.
Maruki’s fake reality will also be omitted, for once again, obvious reasons (those being Mishima not having a fucking clue about that happening), and so all that’s left is Shido’s fall.
It takes several days for them to get it all done, and Goro is pretty sure the guy playing Shido (a thankless part, really) almost pisses his pants at least once when Goro gets a bit too aggressive with his dialogue to really fit his role. Kitagawa meows in protest, and Goro somehow knows that those mewls mean “I would never speak in such an inelegant manner!”
How someone can be this fucking expressive with just meowing is beyond Goro, and at this point he’s beyond questioning anything.
Niijima tells them she just “Hacked the enemy’s Windows Defender”, clearly improvising, and both Futaba and Mishima visibly cringe. Morgana yells back “In Japanese, Hana!”, followed by a heavy sigh from Makoto. Ryuji dramatically throws away Akira’s old fake glasses in the confrontation with Shido, and utters the first actual “fuck” Goro has ever heard him say. Mishima mumbles something about having to bleep that in the background. Akira barely holds back a giggle before getting back in character, leaning on the ridiculously large axe he apparently decided he needed to properly convey Okumura during these parts. No one seems to question why Suzume, a regular high school girl for all they know, carries an fucking axe around to confront Shido, and Mishima just lets it happen at this point.
When they’re finally, finally done filming, their last scene a calm group shot of them at Not-Leblanc, Goro too, feels absolutely fucking done.
But oddly enough… In a way, he did have fun. Akira teases him endlessly about it when he admits to it while lounging on their couch that evening, a mindless action movie in the background and Morgana, now freed from his lot of having to wear a hideous yellow cat shirt, curled up on their armchair. This little bout of insanity showed him parts of the Phantom Thieves’ story he hadn’t previously known before. And as silly as it all was, everyone pretending to be someone else in their own story, there was still an air of unshakable camaraderie around every scene, proof of their unbreakable bond no matter what form it took.
And now the world would be able to take part in their story too, albeit a heavily edited and sanitized version of most of the event. But the heart is still there, Goro muses as he runs his fingers through Akira’s hair, his boyfriends eyes half-closed. Maybe they’d finally get to see the Phantom Thieves as neither criminals nor gods, nor mythical whispers on strange forums. But simply a group of kids trying to do what’s right.
So it really is too bad when Mishima contacts them all a month and a half later with a DVD and a mumbled apology, proclaiming the whole mess to be unpublishable. At least they all get a copy of the shitshow they spent way too much time on out of it, and Okumura promises to fund Mishima’s next stab at the project, this time with real actors and a proper set.
Not that that version would ever compare to theirs.