Chapter Text
Vanitas was slightly…drunk. He didn’t say that when he asked Jeanne to stay at her place for the night. He didn’t say that when Dominque showed up out of the blue. All he said was that he was writing a letter to Noé and needed them to deliver it and after Jeanne’s excited rambling and De Sade saying it was about time, he was escorted to a quiet study room.
And that is where he is now. Sitting at a desk, thinking of what to say.Vanitas didn’t know what to write. After all, the last time he saw Noé, the vampire confessed. A simple confession made after a particularly bad encounter with a curse bearer. Vanitas didn’t believe he was that badly injured but Noé did. An ‘I need you by my side. I love you, So don’t you dare leave me yet’ was mumbled in his ear when Noé believed he was unconscious.
A confession Vanitas effectively and efficiently… ran from. He ignored the vampire in hopes that if he did it long enough he would just forget about his feelings. And Vanitas could forget about his too. That was an ignorant hope, though. He couldn’t just ignore his problems and have them go away. Life wasn’t that easy. No matter how much he wished it was. Of course, it wasn’t like Vanitas was facing the issue head-on. He’s writing a letter so he doesn’t have to say these things to Noé’s face and making Jeanne and Dominique deliver it so he won’t have to see his face while he reads it. Vanitas sighed and dropped his head against the desk, having finally realized how cowardly he was being.
Have a lovely lady (and Dominique) send this for him? What was he a child? Having his friends whisper secret messages for him? But the main issue wasn’t the person delivering the letter, it was the letter itself. Vanitas by all means didn’t need to send a letter. He could keep ignoring Noé until he got the hint and let his horrible feelings die. After all, it was Noé who put himself out there like that. Told him he loved him without any hesitation. He should have expected to be disregarded. Vanitas had never cared about Noé’s feeble feelings before, the vampire should have known he wouldn’t care now! Vanitas repeated that idea to himself a hundred times over the past week but it still didn’t sit right. After all, the idea that if Noé didn’t like how Vanitas did things he could just leave worked best when Vanitas didn’t care.
When Noé was nothing more than a puppy who tailed him and gawked at everything he did. Before Vanitas cherished his company before he longed for Noé’s praise and adoration. his smiles and compliments. His undying devotion. Somewhere along their journey Noé had made Vanitas care more than he had ever cared before. He had made him feel…protected. Vanitas wanted Noé to stay with him. But he also wanted him to be happy. He wanted him to never lose that sparkle in his eyes or his constant astonishment and curiosity at mundane things, for those were the things that drew Vanitas to the vampire. The strong will, the childlike playfulness, the trust, and the kindness. Vanitas still wasn’t sure if he was truly in love but if he was those would be the reasons he fell.
Love or not Vanitas wants him, but Vanitas knows himself. He knows he wasn’t good for anyone. Noé couldn’t be happy with him.Noé can’t truly love him. He wasn't, isn’t a good person. He just needed Noé to get that. But after 45 minutes all Vanitas had written down was “Dear Noé,” and he was even thinking about getting rid of that. As he was contemplating if dear was too sweet his door was thrown open and Dominique waltzed in and slid into a nearby chair. “Are you almost done? We don’t have all night for your drunken love letter.” She stated.
Vanitas hid his letter or lack thereof from De Sade’s lurking eyes. “No. I’m not.” Vanitas spun around to face her “And your interrupting isn’t helping.” He ignored the fact she had called him out on the alcohol and confessions thing .
“Yeah. Jeanne told me I should leave you alone until you're ready. Too bad for you, I’m impatient.” She attempted to look at the letter but Vanitas quickly turned it over like he had something to hide.
He put on his best plastic smile and said “Patience is a virtue, De Sade. And it’s a virtue Jeanne is abundant in.” She smiled an equally plastic grin “Your right my dear Jeanne is very patient, but as I’ve learned over the years patience leaves you bored and unsatisfied. So what’s the hold-up?” Vanitas didn’t want to tell her but got the hint she wasn’t leaving until she got an answer. “I don’t know what to write.” He said, hoping it was enough for her to get out. It was not.
“What’s so hard? It’s a love letter. Write all the sappy stuff you're feeling on the paper, put it in an envelope, and hand it over.”She made a grabbing gesture with her hands at Vanitas. She made it sound so easy.
“What if I'm not sure I love him.” Vanitas finally mumbled. He had only told the truth but the way, the De Sade’s eyes bore into his made him think had messed up. “Are you serious?” She finally asked. She said it as if the very idea of Vanitas not loving No was blasphemy. “Do you know me to joke, De Sade?”
She sighed deeply before speaking “No, no you're serious. I can tell. I just didn’t know someone could be so blind, so ignorant of their own emotions!” She stood up and continued “what will it take for you to trust in your own feelings?”
Her word caught Vanitas off guard but she didn’t stop. “If you're so unsure of if you love him or not. Let’s play a game, shall we? I say a scenario and you decide if it applies.” Vanitas couldn’t do anything other than a nod to her proposal.
“Alright. First, he makes you feel sane. No matter how insane you sound you know he’ll be on your side.”
Vanitas thought. Of everything Noé and him had ever said. “I BELIEVE YOU!”
“You want to impress him. Want him to be proud of you and everything you accomplished.You act cold when he’s mad at you but deep down it bothers you.”
“That was… Absolutely Incredible!” Noe’s voice echoed in his mind.
“You like it when he’s loyal to you. When he stays by your side. If he gave his attention to someone else you wouldn’t know what to do with yourself.”
“Despite all that… Precisely because that’s so…You interest me as a person. I want to understand. This thing you’re attempting… I want to see it through to the end!”
Vanitas sat perfectly still. He wished he could come up with something to tell her a reason why she was wrong, why he didn’t meet these criteria but he can’t because he does. A long silence washed over them. Vanitas refused to make eye contact. Dominique started towards the door but didn’t stop talking.“No matter how much you want to believe you're unlovable and emotionless, you're not. So for once trust these new found feelings and write your sappy letter for your vampire.” She walked out and gently closed the door behind her.
He flipped his paper back over and stared at it and thought for once Dominique had given him good advice. He picked up his quil and pressed it against the page. He thought of all the conflicting emotions and desires for the past week. And he wrote them. Vanitas didn’t know how much time had passed once he was finished but he knew he was exhausted. He refused to reread the letter knowing he’d find any reason to get rid of it or restart. He delicately folded and placed it into a pure white envelope. It was wax-sealed and Noé was messily scribbled on the back.
When he emerged from his room he had to track down Jeanne and Domi. Once he finally found them sitting in the study, he hurriedly handed them the letter. Now it was officially out of his hands. That letter held all of his fears and deepest desires, it held the secrets of his long closed heart and he sent it to his Noé and prayed to whatever higher power there may be he did the right thing.
Dear Noé,
I’m currently writing this with Jeanne and the De Sade in the hallway and while tipsy I wanted them to be here so I wouldn’t chicken out of sending this. The De Sade probably just wants to read the letter while delivering it but I don’t Mind right now.. This letter may seem out of the blue but after everything we’ve been through and a long discussion with myself I need to finally say this to you. First things first…I love you. But you know that already, don’t you? I tried to my best to hide that fact but no matter how well I concealed it you always saw right through me. I love you and I think you love me too. that’s not why I’m writing this, though. I’m writing because I need to ask something of you. You see I believe you think you love me but I don’t. believe you understand what your getting yourself into with me. I’m stubborn and rude. I’m cold and selfish I’m broken beyond repair. You are none of those things. You’re kind and warm. Elegant and cheerful and… and perfect. You deserve better. You deserve to marry Dominique and be happy Im not worth your time or your love because if I know you and me as well as I think I do then I will destroy you. I will drain you of everything I love about you, steal everything your worth I’ll leave you as sad and broken as me. You’ll be a shell of the person you were. My greatest fear isn’t death or losing someone. It’s getting the chance to love you and loving you in the most painful and horrid way possible without even knowing. With all this said any moral person would stay away from you. Drown their feelings and just be your friend. Its what you would do. Sadly, Im not moral like you. Im selfish. I want you to know me inside and out better than anyone else ever will. I want you to be my last lover, to be the center of all your warmth and love until my dying breathe. I can’t decide between my desire and my need to protect you. So instead of working it out for myself I’m doing the cowardly thing of making you decide. If you don’t want this Ill respect your wishes. I’ll be what you wish of me. Your friend. co-worker. Even a stranger If it’s what you want. It’s up to you.. No one’s not even my feeling matter now.. Choose what will make you happy.. No one else but you.
your and only yours,
Vanitas