Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Leo always thought he was the king on the golden throne, yet it turned out he was only a soldier, his life being what kept the team strong, but... He surely didn't feel that power. The lack of control he could maintain made him blue in the face and not only because of the color of his mask. When he tried to think about it, he realised that as far back as he could remember, he never was the one behind the wheel.

He didn't even know why did he care. He did matter after all, did he? Everyone matters. But why did it feel wrong? Why did he feel like he didn't deserve to be treated the same way as others? He wasn't even special. He wasn't the best, he wasn't even good, was he?

The thoughts were with him all the time.

It wasn't even that bad, he just felt different for a few days. It will all be better soon, he believed. When he had to think about it, it must have started like... five days ago.

It was monday. He woke up and decided to take a shower. It was 6 am.

The cold water was hitting his spine. He shuddered, why everything became so grey all of a sudden?

As the water warmed he drawn a little smiling face on the steamed glass of shower doors.

There was no reason why did he feel that way. Always energetic, trying to find the good side while still standing hard on the ground, yet now it felt just hard. His mind was so fuggy, his legs felt so numb, his heart slowed down.

What did he do to deserve being alive? He felt like a parasite that is seen by everyone as a problem to get rid off.

He left the shower and put his favorite blue hoodie on for comfort. He stood in front of the mirror and took a look at himself.

On Tuesday, he did the same. He didn't notice any change.

On Wednesday he noticed how his eyes became a little more baggy.

He didn't notice the spark in his eye that sparkled its brightest on Thursday, like a reminder that it still exist, though it could have been the last light of hope.

On Friday, that light had died.

It was 6 am again, his morning showers have became a routine for him. He put his favorite blue hoodie again, tho he felt how it was more loose on him since the last time he wore it.

When was the last time he ate? He didn't remember, he didn't have appetite the whole week. He did remember his brothers asking him to join the dinner or breakfast a few times, but he wasn't hungry.

He was now, tho. He tried to forget about the feeling, he didn't want to eat anything yet. Maybe he can grab a snack later.

'All alone in space and time, there's nothing here, but what here's mine

something borrowed, something blue, every me and every you.'

Oh, to mean anything! to be someone! The dream he never knew he had, but now meant more than anything ever. How can fatum wail him so much? He feels too small for his own body.

He looked at his reflection and wiped his eyes. He looked through his soul. Inside, he was dead already.

"It' time. It's time."

He didn't know that voice, but someone spoke to him. And he didn't hear it with his ears, but the voice crawled right into his heart, tearing it apart.

'Dear diary.

Today, I remembered when Donnie asked me to help him with his tooth. I tried my best but I pulled the wrong one, it was a big tooth. Was he mad at me that it wasn't the right one? Good that papa never found out. He would be mad at me.

It's Friday now. I may go check on Donnie, he probably isn't asleep, I saw the lights were on in his room. See you later.'

He hid the diary under his pillow. Such a dumb place to hide anything, but he couldn't care less about it. It was silly, of course, but it wasn't anything that could make him die when anybody would find it out.

He did what he wrote about, left his room to go to Donnie. Even if he din't have the best time of his life, he was still spending a lot of time with his twin. It was something natural for them, they were always together.

When they were little kids, they shared a room together. They had one bunk-bed, Donnie's bed under Leo's one. The younger one never really liked using the bed ladder, he prefered climbing to the top like a clumsy ninja, which annoyed Donnie, but they often ended up pulling all nighters playing with each other, breaking some stuff once in a while.

Splinter had a hard time splitting those two when it was time for them to have their own rooms alone. There were days when they went to the other twin for a sleepover, most of the times when they had nightmares, or when they were too tired after playing together and one just stayed in the other's room.

It wasn't that often now, maybe once in two months, but it still happened sometimes. Leo was glad he had this type of relation with his brother.

Donnie was sitting on his bed, doing something on his phone. He turned his face to Leo when he heard him walking into the room and put the phone on the dresser after he locked it.

"Awake this early? Again?" Donnie said with amused tone, smiling softly.

"Yeah. I don't know what has gotten to me. Seems like I'm becoming a whole other person." Leo answered with a sigh, walking towards Donnie's bed. He sat on it, keeping a safe distance between him and his brother.

"Soo..." Donatello started hesitantly, like he was afraid to speak. "Maybe you can go with me so we can make us breakfast?"

Oh. This was new.

"You never eat breakfast that early. You don't even eat breakfast at all." Leo felt suspicious, but he didn't know why.

"I know. But I am hungry now, so why not grab something? You know, like when we were younger?"

"You remember?" Leo asked, feeling slightly happier. He didn't, but now when Donnie brought it up, he did.

"Of course I do. We used to eat cereal at five am. You always liked it more with your milk heated."

"And you always had it cold!" Leo chuckled, he was smiling now. The memory in his head was as clear as water.

"I didn't like it when they were so soft, it felt like a worm in my mouth." Donnie's face grimaced with disgust.

"I never liked the sound of the crunch in my mouth. It felt like I was eating rocks."

"Bro, we both were weird. But what would you say? Do you want to eat cereals again with me?"

Leo hesitated for a long time, but he finally decided it can't be that bad after all.

"Okay. But you heat the milk for me."

Leo didn't know it will be the last time he is eating cereals.

Chapter Text

Donnie liked Mondays. Every Monday was like a new chapter, every week the new beginning. 

It was bright outside. Donnie was sitting on the window sill in his room, summer breeze hit his shoulders before he decided to cover them with the blue blanket he borrowed from Leo. He left it in his room last night and didn't come back for it. He had headphones on his ears, Blue Monday by New order playing now.

'And I still find it so hard

to say what I need to say

But I'm quite sure that you'll tell me

Just how I should feel today.'

Something was wrong. He felt it. 

He looked at his watch that showed it will be 6 am in three minutes. He felt the shivers down his spine. Something was not right. 

Donnie always had something like sixth sense, telling him when there was something happening around. It was either when one of his dads woke up, he always knew when did it happen. But now it felt different. 

Something was happening and he couldn't realise what was going on. 

He heard steps behind his room' door, and he was sure they belonged to Leo. He was able to recognize his family's members steps, not sure why, but he just could. 

But why was Leo awake that early? 

It happened again every following day. Every time when the clock showed 6 am, he heard Leo's steps outside. And every time he had this weird sense inside that this was not okay.

They had a chance to talk about it. One day Donnie decided to ask him about his early awakening, but Leo never said anything more than "I have slept well, didn't need more" or something like that.

But Donnie noticed something else. Leo was absent these days. He could see the lack of Leo' usual humor, something else seemed to occupy his mind. He spent less and less time with their brothers together, trained more, sometimes even too much. And Leo didn't show up at family dinners anymore, Donnie wasn't even sure if Leo was eating anything at all. 

And Donnie really tried to think it was only a bad week, but he was worried about the sudden change of habits. 

It was friday. He was sitting on the bed, the lights in his room were on. He heard Leo steps again at 6 am, but he was too focused on his phone.

He found himself scrolling through the web reading informations about what could these worrying signs mean.

He spent an hour looking through the results. Depression? Anxiety? Ptsd? Eating disorders? It was too early to tell, and it wasn't like Donatello was a specialist. 

He found Leo at his doorframe, looking at him. He put his phone on the dresser after he locked it, tried to hide his suspicious behaviors.

"Awake this early? Again?" He decided to ask softly, so Leo felt comfortable.

"Yeah. I don't know what has gotten to me. Seems like I'm becoming a whole other person." Leo sighed, tho Donnie wasn't convinced that his younger twin was fine. Nardo sat on Donnie's bed, he noticed how Leo kept a safe distance between them.

That's when Donnie decided to drop the bait to see how Leo would react to the breakfast invitation. 

It took a lot of convincing until Leo finally agreed.

When they hit the kitchen, Donnie noticed how Leo changed his attitude. Suddenly his eyes that a while ago were brightly focused on Donnie had lost their light, his smile took a step back like if it saw something it didn't want to, and he raised his hands so now he was playing with his fingers in front of his chest. 

Something in the older one senses told him that it was not right to ask any questions at this moment, but Donnie decided to save that view in his mind, curious what did it mean. Maybe he should pay more attention to his twin and eventually he would study his brother's odd behaviors.

While Donnie turned to the counter to grab a pot to heat Leo's milk, the other one hesitantly grabbed two bowls. Instead of their usual blue and purple ones, that were the same size, he grabbed a small, grey one for himself along with the ordinary Donnie's one. 

"What's wrong with your bowl?" Donnie couldn't help but ask. He was imagining the worst scenarios, though he wanted to shove them off, full on hopes that it is not what he is thinking. 

"Wha... Oh, it's nothing, really!" Leo fake-chuckled, trying to keep up appearances. "I am just not that hungry, 's all." He shrugged, trying to look at everything but Donnie. Donatello scanned him for 5 another seconds. 

"Duly noted." He said, though it was far from his beliefs. He decided to grab their favorite cereal types. 

For Donnie, Reese's puffs were his cup of tea. The sweet, peanut butter and chocolate taste and the simple ball shape was the only thing he needed from his breakfast.

But Leo, he never liked chocolate. Donnie never really understood it, as he liked the heaven-like delicacy that was as soft as little clouds that were happily invited to stay in your mouth after they melted. But every time when Donnie asked Leo about his hatred towards those goodies, he would always answer something along "Chocolate makes my head ache" or "It is so sweet I feel how my teeth rot". 

It was always Donnie who had to ate all the chocolate Leo got, for example as a small gift for their birthday, or Christmas eve, or anytime their uncle Todd would come visit them once in a while with some small snacks. 

If we are clear, Leo didn't like sweets at all. Donnie had a memory of them both consuming a lot of candies when they were little, but there was a day when Leo got so sick of sweets he never wanted to eat them again. 

It didn't mean all sweets of course, justice for sugar, Leo still ate cereals with him when they were little or they both were buying themselves some ice cream from time to time, but he didn't consider himself a sweet tooth.

When it comes to cereals, he never liked chocolate flavored ones.

That's why Leo's go to were Lucky charms. Tasted so good with the combination of the cereal and the marshmallows, and a lot of different shapes of it. All the colorful, squishy and tender treats made him feel like he was eating the rainbow. When he was a little kid, he would spend a lot of time by just digging up in the box in search of that vivid stuff. 

"your milk is ready, mon frère" Donnie said with a hint of a grin that hit him proud when he sneaked French in the sentence. 

"Gracias mi hermano!" Leo answered with a smirk despite the hesitation in his voice. 

Leo poured the warm milk in his bowl and the Reese's puffs in Donnie's one, knowing damn well that their opinions on which is first were different but they already spent years on arguing about it, decided that it would be just better to leave the other ones blind in their decisions. Then Donnie followed him by pouring the milk in his bowl, and the Lucky charms in Leo's one. 

"Are you sure you don't want more? You haven't been eating that much the past week, Leo." Donnie said, concerned. He could swear he saw something breaking in Leo's eyes, but the slider was fast to replace it with fake confidence, taking the bowl in his hands. 

"Don't sweat it, Don-tron, it is just fine by me." 

They took their bowls back to Donnie's room, both sitting on his bed. Usually the soft-shell would allow no one, and let me tell that again, NO ONE with food on his bed, but this was different. They were doing that when they were small, so he was fine with doing it again now. 

Leo frowned in worry as he raised the spoon for the first bite. It took him a long time.

Was it normal? It definitely didn't feel normal. He felt something he never had before, his head was now surfing between so many thoughts that if he was to count, he would get lost even faster than usual. It took him around twenty minutes to just finish the first half. 

He tried hard, so hard to not pay attention to Donnie who had already finished his bowl and set it on the bed side table, but it just made him more overwhelmed feeling his older brother's stare on him. And Donnie tried so hard not to stare, but his worries became more and more real. The purple one found himself lost in his thoughts too, wondering what can he tell so it doesn't sound inappropriate. That's when Leo stopped, hesitantly putting the spoon back into his bowl.

"I think..." He furrowed his eyebrows even more, not sure of his brother's reaction. "I think I'm done for now. Sorry" 

But Donnie tried to be supportive. He took Leo's bowl from his hands and put it next to his own one. Leo hid the lower half of his head under the sleeve of his blue hoodie, looking at Donnie shyly before the other one shared a look with him. 

Donnie's eyes were soft, but they were also worried. He didn't know what to say, didn't know what to do. That's why he decided to move a little closer to Leo, even though he didn't like the affection. At least it worked, Leonardo lifted his head a little to take a better look at the purple one. 

"it's m'kay" Leo said almost like a whisper, quietly like he was scared someone will hear him. Donatello put his arm around him and squeezed, his hand traveling to the top of Leon's head. 

"You know you can talk with me about it, right?"

Leo's eyes were distant, now looking to the front so he didn't cross a look with Tello. 

"it's nothing." His voice still quiet, his face didn't show any emotion but his eyes did. Donnie understood that Leo didn't want to talk about it now, but he knew that one day, they will have to. 

'Tell me how does it feel

When your heart grows cold.'

They stayed like that for a couple more minutes, Leo trying to get every inch of Donnie's touch memorized on his body, feeling soft and safe under his brother's embrace. But it didn't mean it was the last time they can be this close without any discomfort.

was it?

Chapter Text

'addicted to rotten.

got a taste for the death

playing a game nobody wins'

How long have it been since him and Donnie had this heart melting time of theirs? long enough for Leo to realise it was not the same anymore. 

He felt it. He felt it in his whole body as the first spoon of cereals was not-so-welcomed in his mouth, the sudden realisation that he, in fact, felt bad just eating. And he didn't even know why he felt that way.

He never had a problem with his own body, feeling comfortable showing less or more, but it was something else. He felt satisfaction with how light he felt past days. He even noticed a small change in his face, now more sharp than usual. But he still had the control.

If this is how he looks and feels now, how would it be a month later? How would he look like? How would he feel like? Maybe he would compare himself to his childhood idols or those models he always adored on the TV. Is the vision far away, or maybe he could look like them? 

'Why is everything so beautiful? the model scene. You just want to be our little anorexiqueen.'

Anorexia? Nah, it didn't speak to him. He didn't know a lot about eating disorders, he just knew that they exist, but it didn't seem as something close to him. He had always loved eating. Sure, he was a little picky eater, but it didn't mean that he would just let all the food go. 

He just didn't feel like eating lately, that's all, but he still had it under control, right? Of course he had. 

"Dear diary,

I think I like how I feel lately. Everything seems lighter and I feel more confident. 

Today I remembered when I found Donnie awake at 4 am in the kitchen and he was making himself instant noodles. I decided that I can make me some too, and we ended up having fun eating noodles and watching minecraft gameplays. It happened two years ago.

Today I can't even imagine it. Instant noodles? At four am? I don't mind Donnie having it, but i myself could never. It feels dirty."

'came a long way, looking better than before.

can't say I recognize you anymore.

just right, but there's more than meets the eye.

charmed life but it's killing you. Where did you go?'

He decided to join Mikey and Raph in the training room. Lately, he felt a strong need for training. He even felt a lot more motivated to finish them, satisfied by the results. 

"Are you sure Leo? You look a little pale." Mikey asked him. He was worried, tho Leonardo couldn't understand why. 

"I am more than sure, Lil bro! Come on, don't you trust me? Ah, you hurt my feelings." He answered as he put his hand on his chest so his act looked more dramatic. 

"Good. Maybe you'll be so hurt the pain won't allow you to exercise no more." Donnie said as he entered the room, unnoticed by his brothers. Raph was confused by his words, and Mikey didn't change his expression at all.

Mikey knew what was going on.

"And what are you talking about?" Leo tried to sound as confident as he could, emphasis the word 'you', though he felt nervous and tension hit him all around his body. 

"Guys, umm, is there anything we should know about?" Was the first thing Raph said, anxious about the whole situation.

"Come on, am I really the only one who notices what is happening with him?" Donnie pointed his hands at Leo and the room had gone silent. 

until Mikey spoke up.

"I actually agree with Donnie." He said quietly, almost like a whisper, turning his head so his eyes didn't met Leo's. 

"Are you fucking serious? Is this a joke?"

"Leo! Language!" Raph said, and after a few seconds he added "I don't really understand what do you guys mean, but maybe we can sit and talk about it? You all seem upset and I can't let that slide." His tone was now more calm, hopeful that his brothers will agree. 

"Yeah, Leo, maybe you will FINALLY tell me something more than all that shit you're persuading me with, thinking I'm dumb enough to trust your words?" 

"Donnie." Mikey was now close to his older brother, deciding to hold his hand, but just as he grabbed it Donnie shoved it away aggressively. 

"Don't 'Donnie' me. Leo, I really try. I want to help you but you just push me away. You push us all away, maybe you don't see it, but I'm sure me and our brothers do." 

Leo looked at Raph and Mikey, but they turned their heads away, not wanting to look at him. They all looked worried, hesitant, and... hurt? 

"It's not like that." Leo crossed his arms, feeling more and more nervous each second. 

"Leo." Donnie walked towards the slider and he grabbed both his hands. Leo felt Donatello was trembling, and his brows were furrowed. "I don't recognize you. You don't spend that much time with us. You don't throw your one liners anymore."

"You never liked them anyways." Leo interrupted him, his face turned to the other side so now he was looking at the empty space, but he didn't push the hands away. 

"I did. We all did. It is what makes you really you." Leo turned his head only a little, just to steal a look from Donnie. "I don't know what's in your soul and your head, but I know you are still there. Stay." 

That's when Raph and Mikey went towards them, now they were all in front of Leo. He felt anxious with that much attention. He felt the words melting in his heart, wanted to safe them forever tattooed inside him. 

"Donnie is right, Leo." Mikey started.

"We don't want to lose you, we would never forgive ourselves if something happened to you." Raph finished the sentence.

And it was nice, really nice! But Leo didn't need help. Leo had it under control, for God's sake! He knew what was he doing! Why couldn't they understand it? 

They stayed like that for a while, Leo's eyes were lost between all of them, not sure what to say, not sure what to do. He didn't know what had gotten to him, but suddenly he felt anger covering all his senses.

"Why do you hate me?" He asked roughly. Mikey and Raph were worried back again. Donnie's face became emotionless. 

"What do you mean Leo?" Mikey asked. He was close to crying. 

"You don't let me be me! I don't do anything bad, I've just had a bad time, but I'm fine! Bueno, excelente, nothing has happened! It's not your business! It's nobody's business but mine!" Leo shoved Donnie's hands that he was still holding away, and stepped a few steps back. 

"Leo, you don't fucking eat anything!" Donnie didn't hold back. Donnie didn't want to anymore. If he knew, the rest should know, too.

Raph's heart was beating faster now, his face turned so pale it was almost colorless. The tears were now falling down from Mikey's eyes. And Leo? Leo was just shocked. He didn't understand. He did eat, after all, was he? It wasn't that bad. He felt great, he didn't even need anything more. He didn't have any problem. 

"If I can still breathe then I'm fucking fine." His tone was empty. His eyes were empty. He was all empty.

Leo left the room, and the others that stayed in the training room heard it when Leo slammed the doors in his room.

They stayed silent for a minute, still looking at the door from which Leo left. 

"Should we tell dads?" Mikey was first to break the silence, the others turned their heads to look at him.

"I think we should" Raph answered, and Donnie shooked his head suggesting them that he didn't agree. 

"And what would they do? Splinter would just tell us that we have to spend more time with him so he will feel better and Draxum will probably just punish him for that, making the whole situation even worse." 

"But we have to tell someone!" Mikey said desperately. 

"It has to be someone who Leo trusts. Someone who will want to help him." 

They all thought about it for a while, until Donnie's face brighted up and he smiled a little.

"I think I have an idea." 

Chapter Text

"Are you sure it's gonna work?" Mikey asked, his head resting on Donnie's shoulder looking at the phone the soft-shell is holding on his thighs, legs crossed. Raph was sitting in front of them, all of them were on the floor. 

"I'm not sure, but I hope for the best. You know they have a close relation. Maybe he can help us." 

"And what if he won't agree to help us?" Raph asked, concerned. 

"Don't be silly, I'm sure he will, gladly. You know he has a soft spot for Leonardo, he is his favorite nephew." Donatello said and the other ones were looking kind of offended, but in a silly way. "Well... Not officialy, but I'm sure none of us really have a doubt about it." Mikey and Raph nodded in agreement. "And at this point, I'm kind of desperate. I really don't want to lose him completely." The last words Donnie said quietly, his brothers noticed how sad and worried he was.  

'But i'll never give you up.

if I ever give you up, my heart will surely fail.' 

Hello my dearest uncle

And what is it that you want?

I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse

It sounds serious if the Godfather is being quoted by you niño.

It's about Leo.

I'm listening.

I'll just call you and tell you about it, okay? It will be easier to explain.

Call duration 21:37

A man who doesn’t spend time with his family can never be a real man.

did you just The Godfather-quoted me back

I obviously did.

Donnie really hoped that their uncle will help them, and help Leo. He felt so powerless, he tried so much to do anything, but it didn't work. He knew he had to be tough, to be the one Leo could lean on, he had to be strong for both of them. But every day he was more and more scared.

It have been 3 weeks since they had breakfast together. Leo's eating habits had gotten even worse, Donnie almost never saw him in the kitchen anymore, and if he did, Nardo ate nothing but a fruit or some kind of vegetable. He never ate that type of foods before, only if he was forced to. Their dads didn't seem to care, both of them were mostly focused on their jobs. They weren't often in the house, and if they were - they didn't spent much time with their kids. Donnie was scared that he was the one in charge when it came to take care of Leo. He wanted to do the best he could, but all that responsibility? It scared him.

'there's a time for the second best 

and there's a time when the feeling's gone

but it's hard to be hard i guess

when you're shaking like a dog.'

"I love you but you make me so sad, Leo." Donnie said to himself, quietly. He was sitting on the bed in his room, legs crossed, playing with his fingers. 

The next day it was Friday, which meant that both Baron and Splinter were absent. Raph, Mikey and Donnie were all sitting in the living room, watching some shitty TV shows as they waited for their guest to come. The anxiety rised more and more, until they heard the doors opening, and a loud, warm voice.

"Hola, mi sobrinos!" 

They all turned their heads in excitement, Mikey almost fell from the couch when he got up fast to ran towards the person. 

"Uncle! Hiiii!!!" He said in a high-pitched voice, making their guest jump a little, surprised and shocked by the sudden hug Michelangelo embraced him with. 

"We're so glad you agreed to came." Raph said with a soft smile, happy to see their uncle. Mikey let him go after a few seconds, still smiling from ear to ear. 

"Si, si, everything for you, ehem" Their uncle said sarcastically and flat, but he couldn't hide the amusement.

"Are my ears deceiving me or is it...?" They all heard when Leo exited his room, and not a second later he ran towards them. "Hueso!! Oh mi gosh!" He yelled with excitement, now welcoming Hueso with a massive hug, Trapping him with arms locked around his neck. It happened so fast Hueso didn't had time to react properly, but knowing about Leo's state from Donnie he didn't fight the affection the slider gave him. 

"Pepino! Good to see you." 

Uncle Hueso was rarely visiting the family, always busy in the Run of the Mill Pizza place, but when he did he always tried to spent as much time with his nephews as possible. When it comes to Leonardo, Hueso always knew more than it seemed. He knew that there were issues between Leo and his dads, even if the slider did never notice that or did not want to notice, Hueso knew that their family was disfunctional. He couldn't do anything about it, since he was a busy man, but he wanted to be the person the slider could trust, and he was. Hueso was a father figure for Leonardo. He spent a lot time with that kid, sometimes he took him for a walk to talk or just have fun. Leo was sharing his feelings and experiences with his uncle, happy that there is an adult in his lofe that he can trust. 

When Hueso read the message from Donnie saying that they needed his help with Leo, he started to worry. Hueso always tended to panic relatively easily when facing difficulities, but he always put the family before himself if there was a hard situation, and he was very close with Leonardo. 

And when Donnie explained everything, he didn't know how to react. His first thought was to resign, stressed and anxious about what he just heard. But then he thought that escape is not a solution, this could end tragically for his beloved nephew. What he didn't know was how to react and how to deal with the problem. 

He spent almost 5 hours reading tips of "Do's and "Do not's" on the internet and learning the possible causes and triggers of eating disorders. 

Donnie, Mikey and Raph explained their plan to Hueso the day before, deciding that they could go together to the Hidden City, and then they would split up, so Hueso could go somewhere with Leo and spend the day with him, so they could have a real and hopefully-helping conversation. Maybe Leonardo would open up to their uncle and Hueso could share it with the brothers so they would know what are they standing on. 

Donnie was full of hope, and he was very grateful that there was someone who wanted to help.

But this was also a chance for Donnie to relax a little. If they were splitting up in the Hidden City, he could use the time he had for himself and chill a bit. He didn't know where to go yet, but he was sure he could find something. He needed it. 

'no longing for the moonlight, no longing for the sun. 

no longer will I curse the bad I've done.

If there is the time when the feeling's gone,

I wanna feel it.'

When they left their house, Donnie felt his whole body relaxing. Maybe it could finally be the end of their problems. 

Chapter Text

'Never cared for what they say

Never cared for games they played

Never cared what they do

Never cared for what they know

And I know'

Leo didn't talk with his brothers the whole day, neither the day after did he want to. He felt the indescribable anger towards them. They weren't on his place, they didn't know anything.

They didn't feel the hunger. They didn't know how it is when everything is not in its right place in ones' mind. They didn't feel the smell of food growing stronger and stronger around one's nose whenever they were around it, hitting them so hard it felt sickening.  

They didn't know how much it hurt to realise that you've gone wrong, the thoughts leaving you unable to sleep, in both mental and physical pain. 

The pain was everywhere. Leo's hands were always shaking, the cold he felt was so hard it always swallowed all the energy he had left in his body. Whenever he stood up, he felt how his body was not ready, his eyes seeing black and the head spinning like on the Rollercoaster. 

There were random moments when his hands or feet were tingling, taking away his control of their movements. 

And the stomach hurt so bad, all the fucking time. It's like there was a problem in every inch of his body. 

Why did it feel so good? Why did he want more?

But part of him was scared that this is the end. That something will happen and he won't be able to react fast enough.

Is it better to speak or to die?

But, nah. He wasn't dying, of course not! He had it under control, mamma mia! If it was too bad, he could just stop it without any problem.

The only problem was that his brothers wanted to stop him, and he didn't want to be stopped. Not yet. 

'Never opened myself this way.

life is ours, we live it our way.

all these words I don't just say,

and nothing else matters.'

When Leo left his brothers in the training room he locked himself in his own room and sat on the floor leaning his back on the door. 

'Dear diary.

Today I remembered when me and Donnie had drank our first alcohol. Dad Draxum bought a few beers for him and Splinter, and when dad Splinter wasn't looking dad Draxum gave Raph two, because he was the oldest. Raph didn't like the taste, so after a few tries of convincing he gave it to me and Donnie. We had to be sneaky so Mikey didn't see and didn't try to get one for himself. We acted like we were drunk, but now I know we surely weren't. My hands were shaking a little, but it was nothing like how shaky they are now. I wonder, how many calories does beer have?

See you soon."

Leo turned his phone on and went on the internet.

"There are around 218 calories in 500 ml of Beer."

The following day, Leo didn't want to leave his room. He didn't want to see his brothers, all he wanted was to stay in his room and maybe workout, or listen to music, maybe he could dance a little. His head felt dizzy.

He stood in front of a mirror. When had his lips turned blue? Why was his face so sharp and dry? 

Whose eyes are the ones on his face, and who are they looking at?

He never felt so alone. The part of him wanted to leave his room, talk with his brothers and maybe he could even eat something if he really had to, just so they could shut up. And leave him fucking alone, but in a peaceful way.

However, he heard the voice he knew and loved, and he didn't even think about anything when he left his room quickly and yelled from the corridor.

"Are my ears deceiving me or is it...?" 

And his ears were not deceiving him, it was Hueso! His favorite uncle, the person he loved and trusted! He was so happy he wanted to cry. He really needed him those days. 

Uncle Hueso was with him always when Leo needed it. And when he was not, he knew he could text him, or call him, and Hueso would spent as much time as Leo needed him to spent. 

Whenever he had a bad day, he shared it with his tío. He was the only adult he perceived as a father figure. Not even his dads were that close to him. 

Tío Hueso immediately notices how different Leo's body looks. His arms were skinnier, the veins on his arms and legs were more visible. There was a visible blue color from Leo's feet to his knees, meaning how poor his blood flows. And his collarbone was sticking out. His uncle wanted to say something, until he remembered the article he read on the internet. 

Avoid commenting on appearance or weight.

Hueso suggested they could go to the Hidden City and all the brothers were excited, tho Leo was the only one who didn't know about the plan. They were talking on their way, Hueso told them some stories about his son Hueso Junior, and the brothers were amused by the conversation. 

Leo was just happy that Hueso is here.

When they finally came to their destination, they all split up. Mikey went with Raph to find the perfect gift for their dad Baron for his upcoming birthday and Donnie said something about having something to drink, probably coffee. Leo stayed with Hueso and they were walking around the city talking about everything. 

After two hours of walking, Hueso suggested they could rest a little. They went to the park and the uncle sat on the bench near the tree, tapping on the wood next to him, the act telling Leo to sit. But Leo was still standing, now leaning on the tree.

His head felt dizzy, he was tired. Why was he tired? He didn't do anything tiring. 

"Sit, Pepino, you look a little pale."

"Are you sure Leonardo? You look a little pale"

Leonardo heard Mikey's voice as he remembered the day when he wasn't allowed to train. When did it happen? Was it yesterday, or was it a week ago? Did it happen today? Did it ever happen?

His heart started beating faster. He was scared and anxious. He sat where Hueso put his hand and crossed his arms, looking at his uncle.

He didn't want to look at him, he was scared and he knew that Hueso noticed it as well, but he didn't have any strength to turn his head. His tío embraced him lightly and allowed the slider to put his head on his shoulder. They sat like that for a few minutes after The older one decided to speak up.

Encourage them to seek professional help.

"Have you ever thought about talking with a specialist about it?" He asked hesitantly. He didn't know what to expect from Leonardo, but he knew they had to talk about it.

"Talk about what?" Leo said. At first, he really didn't know what his uncle mean, but then the realisation hit him. "They told you." He said quietly, his tone was flat. He felt disappointed.

"They did the right thing, Leo."

"So this is all some made up plan?" Leo suddenly stood up, but then everything turned to black.

When he woke up, he was lying on the bench. He wanted to stand, but some hand stopped him. 

It was uncle Hueso.

What had just happened? Did he fell asleep? Was he kidnapped? For a minute he didn't understand anything. Slowly he started to remember.

"So this is all some made up plan?" 

"You fainted Leo." 

Fainted? How could he faint? He had never fainted before. 

"I didn't. I just fell." He said, his mind still dulled. He didn't know what was real and what was not. "How long was I gone?" He asked, deciding not to argue about the fainting situation. 

"Not so long. Half a minute, maybe less." Hueso said. Leo only now noticed how worried his uncle was. They were silent for a minute, Leo still tried to get everything straight in his head. 

"Is this the reason you visited us? You wouldn't come if it was not for them to call you, would you?" Leo was sad. He got up to sit properly, and his uncle joined him on the bench. Leonardo was now looking at his feet. He really hoped that his uncle came because he WANTED to see him and not just because had to. 

"Pepino, I wanted to visit you for a long time now. Sure, I planned to visit you a week later, but when Donnie called me I decided it would be better if I changed my plans." 

This calmed Leo a little. But he still couldn't believe that his brothers did it to him, that they told their uncle about his problem behind his back. 

"I'm still mad at them though." 

"I see, but you have to understand them. We are all worried about you, you saw what happened a minute ago. Maybe this is the time to think about getting help?" 

"But I'm not a psycho! I don't have a problem, I have it under control! I know when to stop!" Leo was angry again, but he didn't want to yell at his uncle. He was just tired. He didn't want this conversation.

Be prepared for negative reactions.

"And what if you don't have it under control, but it has you under its control?"

Leo went silent. Was it what it was? No, it couldn't be. This was not the case.

"We all love you Leo. And you are not a psycho. You are just hurt. If you are not ready to go to the therapy, I understand it, but I really hope that you will think about it. And you can talk with me about everything, but you know that, right?"

Leo knew that. He nodded his head. 

"When it's bright... I see dark. I found cold in the heat of burning candles. Everything seems to be different." Leo said after a while of hesitation. Hueso raised one brow.

"And what does it mean to you?" 

"I don't know, Tío. It's like I feel okay, but I'm not doing okay. It's like everything I have ever stood for I lost interest in. It's like... What is Jr's favorite TV show?" Leo suddenly asked, Hueso was confused at the change of topic.

"Ummm... DuckTales, I reckon? Why?" 

"Nice, nice! So now imagine that Jr is watching Ducktales every day, this is something he loves to do, even if one of his least favorite episodes are on. But then one day he suddenly decides he doesn't want to watch the episodes he doesn't like, so he only watches it when there are his favorite ones. And he stops watching the show, he just didn't feel like it, but one day you invite him to watch it with him once again. And that's when he realises that it does not bring him comfort anymore, maybe he'd even actually dislike it. That's how I feel." 

"I see. But I have a question for you, Leo. And it's very important so you better think about it." 

Leo nodded hesitantly, waiting for Hueso to continue. 

"What do you really like to do?" Hueso asked, concerned. "What brings you happiness and the will to live?" 

Leo thinks for a moment. Is there anything he enjoys? There were a lot of things before, but now? The only thing that comes to his mind is training. 

"Umm... Any kind of activities? Trainings, any sports... Dancing even. I like it." Leo speaks up, still looking in his Uncle's eyes. 

"Excelente. And now, how does a person can have an energy to do the things they love doing?" 

Leo turns his head to the front, now looking in the distant, thinking deeply.

He knows what his Tío have in his mind, but he doesn't want to talk about it. He doesn't want to argue either, so he thinks of other options he could say. 

"Uh. They rest, I guess. Sleep is important." 

Uncle Hueso was slightly disappointed, but he tried again.

"Sure thing, pepino. But there is something else." 

Leo thinks for a little too long, he feels awkward about the silence around them, but his Tío tries to be patient.

"Motivation?" He finally says, putting a fake, dumb grin on his face. "You know, the heart and mind working together to power the body to work?" He says, still smiling like an idiot, but he felt very nervous the whole time. And he didn't look at Hueso, but he felt his stare on him. 

"I know you try to avoid the topic Leo, but this is important." 

Leo doesn't say anything back. His smile fades away. 

"All you said is right, Pepino. But you forgot the most important thing. You have to eat." Leo's shoulders were tense as rocks. "That's the basics of every other things you brought up. When you don't eat, your sleep schedule breaks. When you don't sleep, your heart works worse. When you don't have the energy from food, then your brain shrinks, actually every inch of your body is closer to failing. Your heart and brain can't work together if they have a problem working alone itselves." Hueso said and put his hand on Leo's one, and squeezed it lightly. "I don't want to scare you, but what you do is scaring me. And if you really don't want to think about food, then don't think about it that way. Remember the food is your body's fuel. It sounds cliché, I know, but this is the truth."  

And Leo wanted to believe him. Leo wanted to listen, he didn't want to wail Hueso. But part of him was telling him that this is a conspiracy against him. That everyone was against him. He still didn't want to fail his Tío, the only reasonable thought in his mind was to accept Hueso's words, but he couldn't promise to really get better.

He was good already. Nothing was happening, every thing was completely fine. He had energy to work out, even more than usual! Sure, he felt tired, so so tired all the time, but he never failed to finish his trainings these days! What Hueso said can't be true. If he had to eat to work out, then why could he do it anyway whenever he was not eating that much?

By the way, did he really eat too little? For Leo this was perfectly fine. He didn't really believe he could have a problem. Sure, his brothers were eating more than him, but was it really his business? Let him be him. Was it really bad to change his eating habits if he felt okay with it? Maybe the problem was that he ate too much before, and now it was perfect? Maybe they just couldn't understand it?

Anyways, he nodded his head. "You're right, Hueso. I'll try to do better, I promise." He put a soft smile on his face and turned to face Hueso, who was now smiling too.

"Good. But I want you to think about it for real. I really don't want to see the time... When you fade away." His tío was visibly sad. "I hope you're telling me the truth."

Leo lied. But only because he had to. What Hueso doesn't know, can't hurt him, right? They stayed like that for a while, enjoying the silence after Leo spoke up amused. 

"You know I can do a perfect imitation of Dewford Duck?"

"Sure thing, Leonardo."

 He really hoped that this is the end of that hard time for now.

He was wrong.

Because Hueso had other plans, and he decided to go with Leo to grab some ice cream.

And it was too late now for Leo to avoid it, since not even ten minutes ago did he promise his uncle to eat better.

He was more and more tense every passing second, thinking about what flavor should he get so it wouldn't be too much. 

"So? Do you know what do you want to get already?" Hueso asked, looking at Leo with a soft expression on his face, putting a hand on his shoulder. 

"I don't know. What are the healthy options?" Leo didn't let his eyes fall from the menu, still searching for the right thing. 

"Healthy, let's see... Oh. This has to be healthy, look. They have cucumber Ice cream." Hueso chuckled, obviously amused by Leo's disgusted reaction.

"Sha-What? Cucumber? Man, that sounds disgusting! May the cats be terrified." Leo relaxed a little bit, laughing at his own joke. 

"Maybe salted caramel? It was always your go-to." Hueso said, his face and tone neutral. 

Salted caramel. This did sound so good to Leo. The perfect combination of sweet and salt, the little pieces of crunchy caramel with a soft, mouth-watering syrup. He felt his saliva almost dropping from his mouth, before he realised.

Did he really feel the urge to eat something that sweet? Since when did he like sweets? He was now craving for it.

But he couldn't let himself allow it, could he? It was too unhealthy, what would made it him feel like? 

But then again, only this one time, could it make him fat? It couldn't, right? Maybe he can have the salted caramel ice cream once again? It was fine. Totally fine, he definitely wasn't overthinking it. 

He hesitated for a long time, but he finally agreed. One salted caramel Ice cream, it was okay. He could work it out later.  

"Okay. Two Salted caramel for us, por favor." 

They got their Ice creams and Leo was shocked about how big the portions were. 

"Gracias, Hueso." Leo said to his uncle when they left the booth. He felt tense again, now having to eat the Ice cream, but as soon as he licked it the first time he felt the pleasure all over him, the taste so good in his mouth he didn't want it to stop. 

"De nada, pepino." 

They went to the beach, well, at least the closest thing to beach in hidden city. It was empty, not a living soul to see. They still had their ice creams, tho Hueso did eat most of his while Leo still had more of it. 

They were meant to meet here with Leo's brothers. He was nervous, he still remembered their argue that happened the day before. Was it okay to show them that he is, in fact, eating? Maybe that could stop their suspicions. But a part of him was embarrassed to eat in front of them. Maybe he could throw the rest of his ice cream in the water?

He was looking at the water, the small waves were hitting his knees as he was standing on the shallow ground. He still couldn't decide what to do.

But it was too late now, when he realised that his brothers were here already. They were behind him on the shore, busy talking quietly with uncle Hueso. That's when Leo left their sight as he walked towards the bin and he throwed the rest of his dessert.

Chapter Text

Donatello told Hueso previously that if anything bad happens, he can call them. He really hoped that there will be no need to.

He said that he is going to drink something, maybe coffee, and that they will meet in the evening wherever they wanted to. 

As he walked down the street he noticed a bar. It looked shabby and obscure, but it was open and, to his surprise, it looked like there were a lot of people inside. Should he go in and grab something else instead of coffee?

But nah, he was underage. It was wrong and illegal, and he didn't have like a fake ID or something, no no no.

Of course he had.

But it was not planned, okay? He had made it himself just in case, if it was really necessary to use, but the idea was strong enough not to resist. 

'You were daddy's boy, nice and sweet. 

Never in trouble mommy's honey.' 

He went inside. The place was different from the bars he saw in movies, there were a lot of adults (mostly drunk), but there were also group of teenagers, who didn't even look like they were in the right age. 

He noticed a purple haired girl who was looking at him. Was she checking him out? There were two other boys with her, they all looked the same age as Donnie. He saw the girl saying something to her friends, as Donnie supposed, and they all turned their heads to look at the turtle. He was almost sure that they were about to stand up and walk towards him, when some adult yōkai stood in front of them and said something to the purple-haired girl. Donnie realised that it was impolite to stare at them, so he turned his head and went towards the bar counter and grabbed a sit. 

His eyes went through all the options, and he decided to have Whiskey. Was it too early to drink whiskey at 3 p.m? It did not matter. What was surprising to him, was that the bartender didn't even ask him for his ID. Did he not care, or did Donnie look old enough? It was probably the first option, since the purple-haired girl and her friends weren't the only teenagers here, it must've been a safe-drinking place for them. 

The bartender who was pouring his Whiskey was a mutant, Donnie supposed. He was a bull with short black hair, his fur was brown and he had a white horns and nice red eyes. He was... huge, muscular to be accurate.

"First time here? Didn't see you around." Said the mutant, and it bring Donnie back from his thoughts. 

"Yeah. I don't usually drink, but I needed it." Donatello tried to sound as confident as he could, but his voice was weak. The bartender nodded his head.

"I reckon. It's not usual to drink that early just because" Was the bull nervous? He sounded nervous, his hands were shaking. "I didn't mean to offend you, sorry." He send him a quick look before handing him the Whiskey. 

"No worries." Donatello answered and took a sip. The bartender grabbed the glass next to him to wipe it with a cloth, but suddenly he dropped it and the glass broke into pieces. Donnie couldn't help the chuckle that left his mouth. 

"Hey. First time here?" Someone tapped his back. When he turned around he saw the purple-haired girl he was looking at before. 

"Uhh, yeah?" He said, nervous. He could now have a better look at the teenager, she was an asian girl with a brown skin, and she was smiling at him. Something in her eyes was telling 'don't trust me', but who was he to judge. The girl sitted on the chair next to him and gave him a hand to shake, which Donnie did. 

"Kendra." So this was the girl's name. Should he gave her his real name? Or was it too risky? She was a human, he didn't know if he should trust her. Wait, why was a human here, in the Hidden City?

"Why are you in the Hidden City?" He asked without a second thought, but the girl just laughed.

"Weird name, but okay." She took her hand away and asked for his name again.

"It's Othello. Sorry, I didn't mean to-" 

"No need to apologise, Othello. Egzotic name. Where are you from?" The smirk never left her face. 

"Uh, New York?" Why did he tell that to a stranger? Uh, he really had to work on that. 

"Why so nervous? Come on, you seem like you need something stronger." She jabbed her elbow at him.

"I am not nervous. I just didn't expect company." He looked at the Whiskey in his hand. What did she mean by 'something stronger'? 

"But something is bothering you." Kendra raised one eyebrow, her face took a more serious look now. 

"Yeah, maybe, I guess. It's nothing I can tell, anyways." It wouldn't be fair to share his family secrets with a stranger. Donnie didn't trust Kendra. 

"Well. I see." She said, and Donnie noticed how she turned her head to look at her friends who were still sitting in the booth. "I am from New York, too. Never saw a humanoid turtle there before, tho." She turned her head to look at Donnie again. 

"And I've never seen a human in the Hidden City." He said, feeling more confident now. Kendra laughed a little.

"See? We have something in common." Donnie chuckled at the response. "Any... ways, about that, you know, whole situation... Maybe I can show you something that will help you relax?" 

Help him relax? What did she mean? Was she offering him a drink, or was she...

Oh.

"If you mean what I think you mean, then no. I'm not into that shit."  

"Huh, bright. But have you ever tried?" He hadn't. And he did not want to try drugs. He knew about the risk.

"No. I know what it can do, tho." 

"Yeah, if you are too dumb to put a stop at the right time. One time won't do any harm. Sola dosis facit venenum." The dose makes the poison. He knew that quote. 

"I'm not sure, you know? It's risky." He said after a few minutes of silence. 

"Oh, take your time. It's not like I'm gonna disappear." She sent him a soft smile, but it didn't reach her eyes. "I can leave you my number." She said after pulling her hand towards Donnie, and he gave her his phone. Could he be more stupid? Was he really going to think about it? She typed her number and called herself from his phone. She saved his number as 'Othello'. "Since you are from New York, we can meet any time." She said as she handed his phone back.

'Little child who just couldn't see

the pressure from his so called friends was simply too much.' 

"Sure. Thanks, I guess. But I don't promise I'll ever call you." He said with an emotionless expression. 

"Why of course. But I can say I have fair prices." She said smirking at him and Donnie nodded. "I'm going back to my friends. You can sit with us, if you want." 

"Well, thank you, but I think I will stay here." Donnie looked at his glass again, it was empty now. He needed more. 

"Do as you will." She waved him goodbye and left the counter. 

Oh man, was he screwed. 

'Never will forgive you, never leave you.

You know that if you live like you will die like.

How can I erase your pain and aid you?

when death wants to kiss you, and you want to kiss him back.'

Was Leo to blame? He was the reason why Donnie was sitting here, in this bar, drinking the second Whiskey glass. But it wasn't fair to blame his twin. He had to be forgiving. Leo wasn't doing it on purpose. It was Donnie who couldn't help him. But deep inside, he felt the grudge against him. He really wanted to reject the thought, but it was here and he couldn't help it.

Was Leo going to die? He really hoped Hueso will help them. If Leonardo died...

No, stop. Leo is not going to die. He is gonna be fine, calm yourself, Donatello. 

The clumsy bartender must have noticed Donnie's overthinking, as he asked him if he needed something. 

When did he drink the whiskey already? Was three too much, or should he have another one?

Screw it. 

He now had his glass full again, and he started feeling different. Better. Maybe he can try drugs, too? It wasn't like he is going to become an addict just from one try. 

Stop it Donnie, you're talking nonsense. 

'I need to have now my daily sin.'

Shit. Leon. Did Hueso text him? He was so occupied with his own thoughts he didn't even check his phone. It was 5.30 P.M, huh, quite late. They were supposed to meet at 6.30 P.M. He still had an hour for himself. 

Hueso didn't text him anything, he didn't know if it was a relief or not. He hoped for the first. 

He turned his head to look at the booth where Kendra and her friends were sitting before, but they were not here anymore.

"I think I found us a new customer." Kendra said to her friends, Jason and Jeremy when she left Othello. She made sure he couldn't hear her. 

"Cool. I knew this guy is an easy spot." Said Jeremy. He was a large, blonde man with a dark skin. 

"Yeah, the purple dragons are back in the game!" the second one, Jason, answered, a little too loud. He seemed to be the weakest of them three, he was a white boy with brown hair and big glasses. Kendra rolled her eyes and Jeremy facepalmed. 

"Yeah, you can be even louder. I am sure nobody heard you." She answered sarcastically and Jeremy chuckled at the response. 

"You think so? I thought I was being too loud." 

Donatello left the bar after the fourth drink, he felt slightly dizzy but he was still able to walk normally. His face felt a little hot, but it didn't bother him. He got a call from Mikey, he told him that they can meet where they split up so they can all go to Hueso and Leo together. He agreed, and smiled at his brothers when he came to the said spot. 

"Were you drinking, Donnie?" Was the first thing Raph said to him when he got closer to him and Mikey. Shit.

"Yeah. Only a little, though." Okay, his voice was fine, it was fine.

"We're underage." Mikey answered him, confused. 

"I know. It's okay tho, I just... I just needed it." Donnie was looking everywhere, just not to look at his brothers. 

"Okay. Just don't get us into any trouble. We have one already." Raph said, slightly disappointed, but he wasn't mad. Donnie looked at him and nodded. 

Leon. Where was Leo? Did Hueso text him already?

"We've got a text from Hueso. Did he text you too?" Mikey said, and Donnie raised one eyebrow.

"I'm not sure." He said hesitantly as he took his phone. Oh, yeah. It was here, text message from Hueso telling them to meet at the beach. He typed him back, asking if everything was okay. He got a quick answer.

Yeah, I guess. I will talk to you when you will be here.

okay, so they were okay. Thanks God. 

He didn't expect to see Leo eating ice cream. It must have been great, then, if he agreed for that. 

Leonardo must have not realised that they were here, since he had his back turned to them, as he was standing knees-deep in the water with the ice cream in his hand. He was eating it slowly, hesitantly. Hueso took this as an opportunity to tell the brothers about everything.

Leo noticed their presence after a few minutes, he turned his head to look at them. Donnie quickly turned his head away, hopeful that Leo didn't notice him staring.

Their uncle told them about the fainting, which alarmed the brothers. Then he told them about the conversation they had. He also said that Leo promised Hueso to eat better. Mikey and Raph smiled at that, He noticed how relieved they were. 

But Donnie did not believe him.

Not when he noticed Leo walking towards the bin to throw his ice cream away quickly. 

Great. 

'For all your life I prayed for time to show you where the light lies.

now this is the end.

one more rose for the memory of innocence.'

Chapter Text

'Hide the sun

I will leave your face out of my mind.'

'Dear diary.

I remember when me and Donnie sneaked out for the first time. We were 10 and we went to the supermarket to grab a pack of chips for us and Raph and Mikey. It was 11 PM.

I remember when we played UNO with our whole family, our dads included. We ate peanuts. 

I remember when me and Donnie teached Mikey how to make simple meals. Now he cooks better than us.

I remember when me and Donnie watched Spongebob. I was laughing that he acts ike Squidward. 

I remember when Raph and Mikey were playing minecraft together. Donnie showed the game to them. 

I remember when me and Donnie were making grilled cheese at 2 AM.

I remember when me, Donnie, Mikey and Raph were playing FNAF 2 at night. I've never seen Mikey that scared.

I remember when me, Donnie, Mikey and Raph used to have karaoke evening party almost everyday.

I remember when Donnie bought me a blue blanket. I don't know where is it, the last time I saw it was when I was in Donnie's room like... a month ago. 

Does Donnie have my blanket?! 

Dear diary.

I miss Donnie.

I miss Mikey. 

I miss Raph. 

I miss Donnie.

I miss Donnie.

I miss Donnie.

I am worried that I will forget.'

'Mirror on the wall

Tell me all the ways to stay away'

Leo didn't understand what was going on. He noticed it earlier, but he thought it was not a big deal. 

He slowly started to forget. That was the reason why he started writing that diary in the first place. He was worried he is gonna forget. 

He was worried he is gonna lose Donnie. Mikey, Raph, his dads. 

'Thousand voices howling in my head.'

Leo was sitting on the floor, his thighs on his calves and he was leaning to the front so his elbows were on the floor, the diary in front of him. 

Somebody knocked on his door. Who could it be? Leo didn't even care. He should care, shouldn't he? He was the one who was crying his heart out for an hour, writing sappy shit in his diary. He wanted his family, his brothers back. He needed Donnie. He wanted to hug him, to say that he is sorry. That he really wants to be better. 

But he also wanted everyone to stay away. No one should ever see him in that state. 

"Leo? I'm coming in." He heard Donnie's voice from behind the door, and he couldn't even stand from the floor. He didn't have the energy, he didn't even care at this point. Donnie was already inside. "Shit." His older twin crouched down next to him and put his hand on Leo's back. "Nardo, are you okay?" 

Leo didn't answer. He didn't want to. He was too tired. 

Donnie's face became slightly sad when the only answer he got was a nod. He sat properly next to Leon, his legs crossed. He noticed the diary in front of him. He didn't want to look at it, but he noticed a small 'I miss Donnie' written a few times, and he furrowed his brows. 

"Don't read it" Was the first thing Leo said as he closed the diary. He got up to sit properly, just like Donnie. 

"Were you crying, Leo?" And he felt stupid asking, because it was more than obvious that his brother was, in fact, crying. 

Leo only shrugged. 

'Speak in tongues

I don't even recognize your face'

"Sometimes I... I can't even remember the sound of your own voice." Donnie's voice was so quiet it was almost a whisper. 

This motherfucker! Did Leo ever feel this angry at somebody? Why was he angry? Was he a bad person? Maybe Leonardo didn't want to talk. Couldn't Donnie just accept that? Leave him alone. 

"Yet sometimes I don't even wanna hear your voice." Shit. Shit, shit, shit. He did not think when he said it. Now it was too late, the damage was made and when he looked at his brother's face, he started to panic. 

Donnie's lips were a thin line, he looked like he was about to cry. 

Sometimes Leo really hated himself. He didn't notice when his eyes became glassy and the tears were traveling down his face again. He was such a mess.

"I'm... I'm so sorry Don. I'm so sorry, I'm so-"

But Donnie didn't let him finish when he pulled him closer for a hug. Leo was now between his twin's arms, and he did not fight it. He hugged Donnie back, his arms trapped Donatello's neck as he squeezed as hard as he could. Donnie couldn't care less about the wet tears on his shoulders. 

"It's okay, it's okay. Just breathe. You don't have to be sorry for anything. I've got you. I've got you." Donnie murmured as he stroked Leo's back softly. 

"I'm dying. There's nothing you can do about it anymore. Just hold me, please." 

Donnie tensed. He chuckled nervously, and it confused Leo.

"You're stupid sometimes." Donnie's voice was shaky, but Leo didn't notice that. The only thing in his mind was Donnie's words over and over again. He felt anger, but also sad. But also he felt dumb. He was stupid, Don was right. Oh, how stupid he was, it only made him cry more. Donnie squeezed him harder, it was almost hurtful. "I won't let you die." 

"But what if I want to?"

Did he really want to, tho? He didn't want to. He wanted to live, he wanted to do dumb things with Donnie, with Raph, Mikey. He wanted to be okay. He wanted to get better. He slowly realised that he did not believe that he was fine anymore.

He felt Donnie's tears on his shoulder. Donatello was crying. Oh no.

"Please, don't say it. It's not true. Please, say it is not true, Leo." 

But he couldn't say anything. He was not able to. Donnie let go of the grip, and Leon felt even more alone. He didn't want Don to let go. 

That was when he grabbed Nardo's face in his hands and looked deep into his eyes. 

"Am I really going to lose you? Leo, am I really gonna lose you just like that?" 

Leonardo shut his eyes tight, unable to look at his brother. 

"Please don't say that this is over. Please, tell me something, Leo. I will not let you die. Don't close your eyes, please. Keep them open for me, okay?" And this moment felt like a fever dream, it was a nightmare. The whole world was shaking around them. 

Leo hesitantly did what he was told to do. 

"I don't deserve you. I don't deserve any of this." Leon said, so quiet he almost didn't hear his own voice. He was crying so hard he didn't know how was he able to talk. That's when he was pulled over again into Donnie's arms. 

"You mean the whole fucking world to me. Do you know that? Don't try to fight it, you won't be able to. I love you so much, Leo." Was that true? Why was it true? Why did Donnie love him? "But sometimes you make me so sad." 

Donnie and Leo were sitting in the room together for another 20 minutes. They weren't talking, they just were there. Their presence was the only thing they needed. Sometimes they would speak up for a small talk, but that was all.

Leo's head was resting on Donnie's lap. The older one was petting his twin's head comforting way. 

"Leo..." 

Leonardo looked up at his brother's face. Donatello wasn't looking at him, his eyes were glued to the floor on which he was sitting. 

"Hm?"

"I think you should start taking vitamins." He stuttered hesitantly. 

"I don't know. Maybe? What kind of?" 

"You know. Vitamins B, C, maybe D. And others. I can give you them daily. For your brain functions, help the body absorb and retain calcium and to help you protect your cells against the effects of free radicals. You should also take Folic Acid. It is necessary for cellular division and the production of RNA and DNA."

Leo gave him a confused look.

"I did my research" He chuckled in answer. 

"And can it make any harm for me?" Leo wasn't sure about the idea. 

"No. But not taking them can cause serious problems. At this point, I think it is necessary." Leo only hummed in answer. "Not to point out that you should start eating normally. But i guess you already guessed the reason behind the lack of the vitamins, I reckon." 

Leo didn't answer at first, it was quiet for a moment between them. Eventually, he agreed. 

Leo was almost asleep, but his ears could hear the melody his father had sang him to sleep when he was only a kid. The words that reflected in his head sounded like: "My little boy, as warm as the sun, I sing him to sleep and he hums, la, la, la". However, he knew that his papa was in slumber for a long time now. The whole memory felt very spurious to him, almost as his whole existence. It was sickening. 

Just as he opened his eyes he realised he was not able to sleep. The air turned black all around him, his lungs were unable to catch a breath. He knew it was fine. There was nobody with him, although he wanted somebody to be there. 

He stood up from his bed and tried to walk only to hit the wall. He stopped and closed his eyes. He opened them only after he leaned on the doorframe for support. He could see normally after a while, so he went to the bathroom.

Leo sat on the floor and hanged his arms around the toilet with his head leaned inside it. He spat the saliva and realised how sick he felt. No matter what, he was not able to swallow anything, there was no way. 

"I have helped today nobody and the worst part of life came, cause I don't have anybody who could help me, I'm insane." He whispered only for his ears to hear. He didn't know where those words came from. Was it from a poem? Did he make it up himself? It didn't matter, anyway. He felt those words. It was silly, but he couldn't care less. 

'Black out days

I don't recognize you anymore'

Chapter Text

Donnie remembered when his Dad Splinter told him what his first words were. His father always told him that he found it amusing that baby Donatello decided to break his life-long silence by saying words "Papa, no!" 

He heard those words being mocked by his father whenever Donnie disagreed with him, but he never asked why. One day his curiosity took over, and his father decided to tell him about his first words. It was four years ago, him and Leo were 11, Mikey was 10 and Raph was 12.

Then, Mikey was interested in his first words, along with Raph. Splinter told them both, remembering everything very clearly, it was nothing special as their both first words were "Dada" and "Papa" 

Then, it was time for Leonardo to ask. And for his surprise, Splinter chuckled, but it quickly became a joyful laugh. Both Donnie and Leo raised their brows, curious what was so funny for their dad. 

"Oh, blue! You were always one of a kind. I remember it happened when I was playing with you, asking you to say 'Papa'. Then I started asking things along 'do you love Papa?' and 'Who do you love the most?'. I was expecting you to say Papa, but may I add I was surprised when you answered 'Donnie'".

Donatello never ever imagined he would miss any word that left Leo's mouth. It didn't matter when everything was normal, but now... He went quiet. Donnie couldn't have that.

Leo cried his name every time he needed help.

Leo yelled his name every time he was annoyed. 

Leo chuckled his name every time they were goofing around.

But none of these times did sound any similar to how Donnie's voice sounded when written multiple times, over and over again in the diary he had found yesterday.

Was it bad to steal somebody's diary? Of course it was. But Donnie couldn't help himself. He found it in Leo's room, he went there to give him the vitamins he prepared for him, but his brother was asleep. It was not hidden or anything, just lying down on the desk. Donatello thought it might help him if he knew what was on Leo's mind. 

'Dear diary,

Today my uncle Hueso came to visit us. He took me for a walk and then I realised that it was all planed by my brothers to make me eat. I am so mad at them, they should not do any of this behind my back. I really don't know if I can even trust anyone anymore, even Hueso. 

I promised Hueso to eat, but I can't do that. I lied, it became as normal as breathing for me. I don't want to lie anymore, but it seems like I can't tell the truth to anyone.

Hueso wanted me to see a therapist. But I don't need it! Only crazy people go to therapist, I am not crazy. 

He also told me that I don't have any control, I don't know if it's true. It's like I don't know anything anymore.'

Donnie didn't know how to feel. He supposed that the promise he made to Hueso wasn't truthful, but now when he knew it for real it felt different, it hurt more. 

'Dear diary,

Am I dying?'

Please, no.

'Dear diary,

Donnie and I were talking.

I love him.

Does he know that?'

He may sometimes forget.

'Dear diary,

does Donnie love me?'

He sure does.

'Dear diary,

I will die tomorrow.' 

...

When is tomorrow? When did Leo write it? Was it yesterday, is it today? Maybe Leo isn't asleep, maybe it's... 

Donatello forgot how to breathe. The anxiety hit him so hard, he immediately ran to Leo's room with the diary in his hand.

Leo was awake, but his mind was still dulled. He looked confused, his eyes were traveling from Donnie's toes to his head until he realised what was his twin holding. That's when he suddenly was awake and tensed up.

"What the- Why the fuck- How did you get it? Did you read it?" He stuttered. 

"Leo, what does it all mean?" Donnie walked towards Leo's bed and that made the slider move back on his bed to lengthen the distance between them. 

"It's nothing you should know about. Give it back, for fuck's sake, Donnie give it back." He was desperate and helpless. Suddenly the guilt hit the soft-shell when he noticed the look in his brother's eyes. They were hurt, betrayed. 

"I'm sorry, Leo, I shouldn't..." He started, but hesitated for a while. "I just wanted to help you." 

"By stealing my personal things? Thank you very much, you sure have helped me. Helped me realise that I can't trust you anymore." 

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, holy mother of fuck.

Fuckerfucking fuck. 

Congratulations Donnie, you've lost the only chance that was left. Be sure to spend it wisely. 

He couldn't sleep that day. It was two days before his dad Draxum's birthday and he had forgot about any present.

He also forgot how to feel anything. It felt like he had lost Leo, and along with losing his twin the part of his brain disappeared, too.  

When he was scrolling through the internet to find any inspirations what to buy for his father, he found a silly page with forum. 

There was a question about the best gifts you ever gave for someone inside your family, and the users were sharing their stories. 

'It's not about the gift I bought, but the gift I received. My brother gave me a spliff and trust me bro, it was the best thing I could ever ask for.

It was the first time smoking weed and I could never imagine a better feeling. All my problems suddenly disappeared man. And trust me, I had some dark times.'

Donnie remembered the stranger he met a few days ago. Maybe she was right? Maybe it could help him relax? He surely needed it. But he couldn't trust just his gut, he had to make a research. 

But the more pages he went on, the more incoherent the informations were. One of them said that it can cure depression, the other told that it can cause it. One said that it has a lot of health benefits, the other said that it can do more harm than good. 

"Dosis facit venenum"

he heard Kendra's voice over and over again in his head. Maybe he can try, just once? It can't be that bad. 

He just wanted to feel good for once. He hadn't had any moment of happiness since... A long time ago.

'Mary is the girl that I wanna kiss

she's got big red eyes and big red lips

she's got big sharp teeth and big fat hips.'

hello.

howdy.

am I dreaming or was I right?

right about what?

about you coming back 

i knew you'd text me eventually.

didn't I make it clear that I'm not interested in your offer?

sure sure gentleman ;)

and it was me who texted you first after all am I right?

that is not the point

it had gone bad hadn't it? 

maybe

we can meet if you want

isn't it too late?

i've been in the park for literally two hours now 

i'll send you my localisation.

'Give it to me baby, I feel good.

I wanna feel whatever you think I should.'

Suddenly the guilt hit him, but the excitation he felt was quite strong. He couldn't decide whether to follow Kendra's instructions or withdraw and stay home. It is only this one time, no one has to know, right?

However, he had read a few more stories of people who had smoked Marijuana from time to time, most of them would recommend it as a great way to relax and bright up. 

Besides, he also felt betrayed and powerless. There was nothing he could do for Leo anymore, at least that was the thing he was sure about. Maybe if he could rest just for one day it would help him. 

The whole thing was overwhelming him. He had lost his hopes, he had lost everything he stood for. He, Donatello Hamato, can fix everything, right? But why did he feel like this case is not to be solved? 

Maybe he really did need it. Just to feel again. 

'Mary is the girl that leaves you to rot.

She says "I am real, and you are not"'

Chapter Text

Waking up this day sent shivers down Leo's spine as if he was hanging a chandelier to the sound of overture in the background. He felt either too excited or too tired and couldn't tell what was the point. Something was inside his mind and he couldn't tell if he was dreaming again or not. 

If it was 19th century he could go to an auction and buy a silly monkey music box and just get over it, he was sure Draxum would love that, but auction sales were too old school now and he didn't even know if they still did exist nowadays. Does Draxum even like monkeys? 

So he decided to go to the mall after showering. Maybe he will find something for his dad, something that is not monkey-shaped. He had just one day to find a perfect gift for his dad, his birthday was the next day.

So he went to the bathroom, it was 6.20 already because he spent almost twenty minutes by just getting used to living through this day. He stopped near Donnie's bedroom and tried to decide between going inside it or not. He stepped closer, knocked the door once, then twice, but nobody answered. The lights were off as well, so maybe Donnie was asleep. Or he didn't want to see Leo, which is understandable too. They had an argue just a day ago. And Leo knew it was his fault, of course Donnie did a bad thing sneaking on him and stealing his diary, but it was Leo who was stupid enough not to hide it properly. And now Donnie didn't want to see him. Leonardo really hoped it will change soon, that they will have a conversation about it and everything will be fine again.

'ties that are broken can often be one again' 

Leonardo said he doesn't trust Don. And Donatello probably doesn't trust Nardo too, since he couldn't trust him enough to let him have his private things. But Leo needed Donnie, and Donnie needed Leo. It is what it is, it is what it always have been, haven't it? Did anything change? Or did Donatello not want to see Leo ever again? He definitely hated Leonardo now. Donnie was out of touch. 

And Leo felt out of time. Like he could just disappear in a second and never get to see Donnie again, but he was sure his twin wouldn't even want to see him now. But Leo needed Donnie, even if the other one didn't share the feeling.

'You're out of touch,

I'm out of time.

But I'm out of my head when you're not around' 

When Leo finished showering he dressed up quickly into his comfy sweatpants and hoodie. He didn't know if it will be sunny or cloudy day, but he didn't think much of it. He just wanted to leave the house already. He went into the kitchen to take his daily dose of vitamins that Donnie prepared for him the day before, just how he always did and swallowed the pills. That's when he noticed his dad, Splinter, entering the room.

"Why are you awake this early, son? Do you feel sick?" 

Oh. When was the last time he spoke to his father? He was working all the time, today was his day off but Leo may or may not forget about it.

He did forget about it. Great, now he will have to answer a whole lot of questions. But he didn't answer his father's first one.

"You look pale. What pills did you take? Do you take any medicines? Should I know anything about it?"

There are a lot of things he should know about, that's for sure.

"No, dad, they are just vitamins." He answered weakly, not really wanting to talk with his dad, he just wanted to leave. But Splinter grabbed his arm when he tried to pass him by. 

"And since when is your arm this small? When was the last time when you trained? Have you lost weight?" he kept asking those questions while squeezing his son's arm through his sweatshirt. 

No, he did not. Never ever. Why all those questions?

"No dad, it's all in your imagination." He answered rolling his eyes and emphasizing the word 'imagination' raising his hands and drawing an invisible rainbow shape in the air. 

"Are you going anywhere?" He asked again and Leo just growled, sick of those questions. 

"Just leave me that, I'm going to the shop, I'll be back soon." He grumbled and his father only furrowed his brows, finally letting him go. 

"Just be back before the evening! Uncle Todd is going to visit us." 

Uncle Todd is going to visit them? Oh hell. What a surprise. 

It wasn't like Leo didn't like uncle Todd, he loved him. He was just... hesitant about it. Uncle Todd was almost always tactless when it came to talking about anything. He was sure that he would say something about his weight. Leo didn't want that. 

When he left his house he noticed Donnie walking towards him, a few meters away. His older twin seemed to not notice Leonardo, he was looking down at his feet. That's when Leo realised that Donnie wasn't asleep earlier, he just wasn't in his room. Where was he wandering this early? 

"Donnie?" Leo finally spoke when Don was closer, and that's when he turned his head to look at him. He looked... wasted. And he had black sunglasses on. "Where were you? Are you alright?" 

And Donatello didn't answer him, he stopped a meter in front of Leo. It took him almost a minute to speak. 

"I went on... for an... early jogging" He answered and scratched the back of his neck. His voice was hoarse. "Where are you going?" 

"Shopping. I'm gonna buy Draxum a gift. Do you have anything for him?" Leo asked and smiled weakly, trying to keep the conversation light, hopeful that his brother won't be mad at him anymore. But Donnie bit his cheek and turned his head to look behind him rapidly, then he answered quick and brilliantly.

"Yeah. Have fun." 

He passed Leo by and walked faster than before. Huh. Leo's face became discouraged. He really felt he fucked things up lately. He was sure the atmosphere between them couldn't become more tense than it already was.

'smoking guns hot to touch

would cool down if we didn't use them so much.

We're soul alone, and soul really matters to me.

Too much.'

Leo decided to take a bus to the mall and he put his headphones on to listen to music. It was almost an hour away and he was tired already, but all the seats were occupied so he had to stand. 

He was listening to some old music, along with "Would I lie to You" by Charles & Eddie and "Maniac" by Michael Sembello. He was feeling the music with his heart, he tried to shake all the negative thoughts by focusing on the sound of the songs. When he came to his destination it was already 10 AM. 

He spent almost three hours trying to find anything when he stopped at the bookstore. He decided to go inside, he knew that Draxum liked to read in his free time. Maybe he could find something interesting. 

That's when he found a book called "Be the Miracle". He had heard of it once, and he wanted to know what it is about. He grabbed it and read what it is about. It was a personal development type of book and it seemed to be a bingo - Draxum told him once that he wants to focus on his inner self. Maybe he would like it? Better this than nothing. 

'reaching out for something to hold

looking for love when the climate is cold'

Maybe he could also buy him a chocolate or peanuts, dad Draxum loved peanuts. He decided to go to the grocery store. 

That's when he started to feel anxious. He felt like everyone was looking at him, scanning him, judging his appearance. And he couldn't describe it but he was feeling... guilty? Leo was just ashamed of walking down the aisle with the snacks. When he grabbed the chocolate he almost felt shivers down his spine, like it could bite him and swallow without a doubt. 

The real problem appeared when he felt the sudden grumble in his stomach. He tried to let it go hang, but then he started to feel his legs going numb, his head feeling dizzy and his muscles were so, so weak. He could faint any moment now. That would be embarrassing. 

After a long, long overthinking he decided to buy something for himself. He walked toward the fridge with juices and smoothies and looked through the options.

Spinach smoothie, good for Immunity Support, 290 cals in 500ml. It's a lot.

Carrot juice, regulates blood pressure, 200 cals in 500ml. It's okay, but it doesn't hit the spot right.

Apple & banana smoothie, helps with cardiovascular diseases and increase immunity. 320 cals. Definitely too much.

And he found pineapple juice, speeds up metabolism, and it was 260 calories. It was more than the carrot one, but Leo liked pineapple better and the point about metabolism was enough for him to ease his anxiety. He could go with it, he didn't have to drink it all. It was fine.

When he went to pay he couldn't look into the cashier's eyes and he packed all the things in the blink of an eye, hopeful that no one will see him, because it was really soooo important... He definitely felt dumb. 

He spent a few more hours just walking from shop to shop, not really looking for anything but he was okay with it. He still had time. 

When he looked at his watch he realised it was already 6 PM. Holy Satan he did not have time. He promised his father to come back before evening and the sun started to set already. He almost ran towards the bus station, thankfully he was on time. 

But all the seats were occupied again and he had to stand. He was leaning on the window, the sky behind him was blue & pink and it made everything glow in the beautiful shade, it looked pretty. He put his headphones on and put his playlist on shuffle. The first song that played was "Out of touch" by Hall & Oates. Listening to the lyrics he was thinking about Donnie. He didn't know why tho, it was just the first thing that crossed his mind. He looked at the bottle of juice in his hands, he drank almost half of it. Then he noticed two women looking at him and saying something to each other, he felt nervous. He didn't know what to do, he decided to take a sip from the bottle and look in the other direction. 

'I'm waking up to the fantasy, the shades all around aren't the colors we used to see.'

He left the bus at his bus stop and crossed the street. Then he noticed Splinter and Draxum walking towards him. Draxum waved his hand to him, greeting him.

"You're in time, blue! We are waiting for your uncle Todd to come. Why don't you stay with us?" Splinter was the one to ask, and Leo only nodded weakly. He looked at his other dad's face, and he noticed that Draxum was scanning him with an expression that was unknown to him. He had his brows furrowed and something in his eyes made Leo swallow nervously. He didn't say anything, he was playing with his feet. His dads were talking but he did not pay attention to anything they said. After about 15 minutes a bus stopped near them, and that's when he noticed Todd leaving the vehicle with a bag and... a guitar case. 

His uncle waved at them and walked fast towards them, greeting each one with a warm hug, starting at Splinter and ending on Leo.

"You feel so small Leonardo!" He said with a tone that was a mix of amusement and confusion. Here we are, uncle Todd and his lack of discretion. 

"It's because Leonardo does not eat anything." Splinter was the one to say it, and Leo's face turned almost white. Draxum put his hands behind his back and turned away from them, looking in the distance. Leo didn't want to say anything. He wanted to disappear. How could Splints know anything? He was never there. He knew nothing. 

"What? Leo, you have to eat dear! So you grow big and strong, like me!" Todd said amused, he seemed not to understand the situation. He did not know if it should calm him or make him more anxious. He left it without a comment. 

Splinter was looking at him with a hint of disappointment, but he was also mad. 

Draxum didn't even look at him. 

They all went back to their house, they were silent the whole time and it felt extremely awkward. 

While Mikey and Raph greeted and talked with their uncle, very happy to see him, Leo decided to check on Donnie. He knocked on his twin's door and this time, he got an answer. 

"What!" 

So he went in. He felt a weird smell, it wasn't similar to anything he had ever smelled. It wasn't strong, it was almost imperceptible but with his strong sense of smell he could notice it. He was not able to describe it, he wasn't even able to tell of it was nice or unpleasant. It was just... weird. 

"Whataya want?" Donnie asked, raising one brow. Leo noticed that he was just standing here for a few seconds.

"I just wanted to see you." He said hesitantly, leaning lightly on the wall. 

"Cool. You can go now." Donnie answered sharply and turned his head to look at the phone he had in his hands. 

"Can we... Talk?" Leo asked and noticed that Donnie furrowed his brows and pursed his lips. He didn't answer him for almost half a minute. 

"Talk about?" 

"I don't..." He stopped mid-sentence and decided to take a different turn on the conversation. "Uncle Todd is here. Draxum and Splinter said that we're going to the forest and have a campfire. Are you going to join?" 

Donnie seemed to be deep in thoughts. His eyes were traveling from his phone to his fingers. 

"Yeah. Probably. Can you leave now? I'm kind of busy." 

So Leo left. And he felt every little hope in him leaving his body when he did. 

At last, Donnie did show up.

Uncle Todd had his guitar and he played and sang some scout songs. The whole family seemed to have a lot of fun, Mikey and Raph were having a competition about who will eat the biggest amount of grilled marshmallows. Dad Draxum and Splinter were grilling sausages and they kept trying to convince Leo to make himself one from time to time, but he refused. It didn't seem to be a bother tho, the atmosphere was still alright. Leo had his diary with him, he felt the sudden inspiration hitting him. 

It was about his dad, Splinter. He did not know why, but he found himself writing, or trying to write a poem.

After Todd finished what seemed to be the tenth scout song, Mikey asked him for something, as he said, more modern. 

"Oh, I know a good one! You have to know this one!" 

And he started playing and singing, and it seemed like Mikey, Raph, Splinter and Draxum knew this one since they started swaying in rhythm or singing some lines with the uncle. Leo didn't know this one, it was about... Cocaine? He laughed lightly when his brothers sang the lines 'She don't lie'. They had fun, it was visible, Donnie and Leo were the only ones who did not sing along. Leo didn't because he did not know this song, and Donnie... He seemed to be deep in thoughts. 

Soon enough, Donnie stood up saying that he needed to pee and he almost ran away, but the others only nodded and turned back to singing. This must be the reason why he was so quiet. Oh sweet mother nature. 

Leonardo decided not to think about it more so he decided to finish the text he was writing in his diary. 

'I think problems may connect us,

we both seem to have them often.

they can make our lives affect us,

but can guide the losts to soften.

maybe it is really normal,

at last yes, we have each other.

conversations aren't formal,

but they seem to be a bother.

You can say that you still love me,

But I know it's not that easy.

after summer you can shove me,

loving me seems working sleazy.

Then you'll say without a sorrow

that I mean as much as nothing.

That we both have no tomorrow,

you don't care about me huffing.

There's a lot of bad things I've done

And our ages have the same sound.

Though you're on the age of five-one,

And I'm only one and five. 

My own problem's hurting my brain.

to be your and my own trouble. 

scar is a scar, starving hunger,

and I scream so you hear double.'

Chapter Text

"There is no better way to cope than sharing some dope" 

Donnie met Kendra an hour after he texted her. She send him her localisation and he took around twenty minutes deciding on going or not. He didn't realise when, but after some time he found himself going to the indicated place. 

The night was warm and the moon was brightening his way to the park. He knew that the decision he made might be a wrong one, and when he noticed the purple haired girl he almost withdrawn, but she waved him a hand and Donnie knew that he passed the point of no return. He had come here, in pursuit of his deepets urge, of that wish which till now has been silent.

Donnie was scared that it might be awkward, but he quickly came to realisation that Kendra, in fact was a person that one could never be bored with her. She was chatty and easy-going, she knew how to make a conversation without it being boring. It was not long untill Donnie started to feel rather comfortable in her company. They had a nice conversation, Kendra lead him to a place with a bench in front of a fountain that was shining with pink, purple and blue LED lights, making it look funky and fabulous. 

"Why are you here alone, by the way? I thought you would come with your friends... I don't know their name." Donnie asked her once they had sat on the bench. 

"Oh, you probably meant Remmy and Jason. Yeah don’t mind it, I'm here to spent time with you. Let's say we’re just bong-ding." She said with a smirk. Donnie laughed nervously but his eyes were focused on the water, thinking deeply about everything. "Since you may know by now, because it was really hard to notice I reckon, I can offer you some nice stuff. Let's see... Have you heard of Purple Haze?" 

"Pff, no, with an exception of Jimi Hendrix' song." He chuckled and Kendra rolled her eyes smiling sarcastically.

"Yeah, well it's sativa marijuana strain. It can help you relax and boost your creativity, fynny story funny not, out team has a name that was inspired by it. It was a few years ago when we were smoking Purple Haze, and we have decided to go under the name Purple Dragons." She chuckled and sighed. "It was a... Joint decision." she said, emphasis on the word 'joint'. "Though I may offer something else for you, depends what do you expect from it."

"I am still not so sure about it. It won't do me any harm, right?" He asked and finally looked at Kendra who was looking at him with a smirk so big she looked almost villainous. She sent him a wink and shook her head in disagreement.

"You can’t spell healthcare without 'THC.'" She said, and Donnie chuckled. 

"You seem to know a lot of bad puns about weed." 

"If weed puns are a sin, You'll see me inhale."

Donnie laughed, but it was weak. 

"God, you remind me of Leo. He would do it, too." 

Kendra furrowed her brows in curiosity. 

"And who is he?" She asked and Donnie looked at his hands, playing with his fingers nervously.

"He is... Leonardo is my twin. And he may or may not be the reason why I am here right now." Kendra nodded and sent him a weak smile. 

"You can talk to me if you want to. I'm listening, and weed have time." Donnie chuckled weakly and shook his head. 

"I don't know. I mean... It is kind of a family secret." 

"Oh don't mind me. I'm known for keeping secrets forever, and you seem like a person who surely needs to share some feelings with someone."

"He is just... I don't know how to say it." He started, still hesitant to tell Kendra anything. He wanted to get some things off his shoulders, but he also didn't want to share secrets with a stranger. "I noticed he may have eating problems, you know. I've tried everything to help him but it seems like... He just doesn't want any help. I probably should've not tell you this." 

Kendra was scanning him carefully, her expression was blank.

"When they go low, we get high, you know." She said and stretched her back raising her arms above her head. "I mean, I see how hard it might be. But if you keep worrying about it that much you will help him not, actually you may be the one who will got himself into some deeper shit. Does he have a therapist or something?" Kendra asked and Donnie scratched his neck nervously. 

"Not really. We tried to convince him to it but it doesn't work." He stopped and looked at the moon. It was encouraging Donnie to find comfort in the night, the cold in the fire and the shadow in the bright. Donnie furrowed his brows and stretched his arms in front of him. "You know what, I need it. I need something that will help me relax. And stop every thought in my brain. Can you help me?" He finally said and looked at Kendra, she was already looking at his eyes smirking. 

"A friend with weed is a friend indeed, and friends always help eachother. Welcome to the dank side."

After a few minutes Kendra decided that they will go smoke something together. She said that it might be better for Donnie since it was his first time. They were hidden somewhere behind bushes and trees, she eased his worries saying that she had went there a lot and no one ever catched her. The girl instructed him how to smoke it and described him how will it work. He felt safe with her, she seemed to be well-experienced. 

Donnie and Kendra were lying on the grass and looking at the stars. This was new to Donnie, the feeling, the sensation. He felt so relaxed. Tired, but also well rested. Happy, but also anxious. He felt a mix of different emotions and tried to sort everything out, but it was hard for him. Was he overthinking it?

'Don't know if I'm comin' up or down

Am I happy, or in misery?

What ever it is, that girl put a spell on me'

He remembered Kendra advising him to leave everything behind and keep his head clear. That the moment he will fill his lungs with the smoke his life will take a better turn, but he HAS TO let it in, and not fight any feeling that will creep into his body. So he decided he will try to relax. 

"So how do you feel now?" Kendra asked him, and he had a hard time answering. 

"Now? Like right now?" He answered her question with a question. Donnie was blinking painfully slow. His head was now spinning as if he just get out of a rollercoaster. "Pain, pleasure and Jesus" He said, looking at his hand which was raised above his face. Jesus? And how did Christ appear in his answer? He raised his brow in confusion and let out a small snort after his hand fell on his face. He didn't feel it, he wasn't even aware that his face was now covered. It was Kendra who rolled closer to him and pulled his hand away from his face carefully and slowly.

"Jesus?" Kendra asked amused by her new friend, still leaning towards him on her arm. Donnie only chuckled lightly, but it soon turned into a joyful laugh. He sure felt good, maybe even too good.

"Jesus Christus. He stands here" He answered almost wheezing, his eyes were now full of tears. He really didn't now what has gotten to him, but it was nice. It was funny. When was the last time he felt so much fun?

"Stands where?" The girl asked again teasingly, smirking and then laughing with Donnie. The turtle was chortling and it was hard for him to catch a breath. 

"In my heart" He croaked so, so weak and quiet, because he was almost unable to talk. He grabbed his stomach that was now hurting because he was laughing so hard. 

'Actin funny but I don't know why,

'Scuse me while I kiss the sky'

He didn't know when Kendra got her phone from her pocket and played some music, it wasn't loud but it was enough for them to hear it and shake their heads to the rhythm of "Zanzibar" by Billy Joel.

He didn't know for how long they were lying on the ground and he didn't know when Kendra rolled another spliff for them. They sat properly in front of each other and were sharing a joint, puff by puff. They were talking about something, Donnie didn't even remember what was it about. The music was still playing, it was alternative rock, all the songs were catchy and relaxing, fitting their state. He was sure Kendra had a playlist made only for smoking weed. He could recognize the song that was playing now, it was "Harness your hopes" by Pavement. 

"I don't know. My brother's gonna die and I'm just chilling here while being zonked with a stranger" He said after a while of silence and Kendra was looking at him, though Donnie noticed how her eyes were half-open and her cheeks were red. She had her mouth slightly opened and she was analyzing Donnie's words.

"Hia, not so stranger anymore, man." She said and shook her head opening her eyes wider as if she was offended by Donnie's words, though she had a playful smile on her face. "And I've seen weirder ways to die. Besides, nobody said he is gonna die, I mean. I don't know, grape, he's not going to die that's for sure. Worry not. Maybe I can give you something for him too, I know what can make him eat." Kendra's voice sound like she was somewhere far away in her thoughts. She was talking slowly and when she finished the last sentence she let out a laugh.

"What? What do you mean?"

"Oh you'll see in a few hours. But worry not, it's going to be fine, Othello." 

Othello? Donnie didn't understand, he didn't know any Othello, and he was never called that...

Oh. He realised he didn't share his real name yet. Kendra still had no idea what it was.

"Donatello." He said, and  judging on the girl's face, she was confused. "My name is actually Donatello." 

"So you're saying I've already spent hours smoking with you and yet I didn't even know your real name? Not fair, dude, not cool. Now I have to think about a nickname for you." Donnie chuckled and poked her arm playfully. 

"Anyway, I am not giving my younger brother any stash. I'm not going to even think about it."

"Younger... Didn't you say he is your twin or something?" 

"He is. But I am like... I don't know, like 5 minutes older, or so." He stopped and took a puff before continuing. "The best 5 minutes of my life." He chuckled and handed the joint to Kendra. "Besides, how could that make him eat?" He asked and saw Kendra smirking and winking at him, but he could not care less. He was not going to give Leo drugs. Kendra took a puff but she didn't answer him.

"I'm so blasted if I was in a game I would be a Gaster-Blaster." They were leaning on a tree next to each other. Donnie was looking in the distance, he was not able to move his head nor any limb. The only thing that made him believe he was, in fact, alive and not dreaming was the sound of music played on Kendra's phone.

"I understood that reference." Said Kendra chuckling, and Donnie let out a small laugh.

"And I understood THAT reference." He answered, sympathizing the word 'that'. They both laughed and stayed like that, they were not talking, just enjoying the feeling.

Donnie didn't realise when it was already brighter. He tried to look at his watch, but he couldn't see if it was 6 or 9, his eyes were betraying him. 

He had fun with Kendra, Donnie noticed they had a lot in common. They both shared interest in programming, they had a similar taste in music, movies and video games. Kendra had told him some stories from her life, mostly about her business and her friends and Donnie told her some stories about him and Leo and the rest of his brothers. He realised he didn't regret it, actually, if he had to be honest, he was ready to try again if he felt the need to. Kendra had told him about what she can offer him, she had some weed but she also said something about hard drugs and Donnie was interested in it. Feeling good but also not smelling like shit? He was up to it. 

Oh, God. He realised he had to smell horrible now. He will have to find out how to hide it from his family before they find anything out.

He had asked Kendra about how much he will have to pay her, but she answered him that since they had fun tonight, he will not have to pay. Although she said she will gave him the price for the stuff she could sell him for future use. After a moment of deciding he asked her about the 'other drugs' she had mentioned earlier.

"I'm fine with alcohol and weed, all types really, but cocaine is where I draw the line, mate." She said trying to keep a serious face furrowing one brow and looking deep into Donnie's eyes. And Donnie didn't catch anything, so he just nodded and bit his cheek. That's when Kendra laughed loudly and wiped a non-existent tear from her eye. "Come on, Don, don't say you didn't understand this one." 

It took half a minute of Donnie's silence and Kendra's laugh untill Donnie let out a small "Ah" and started laughing with her. 

"Oh Donbong. I’m going to be blunt, you’re amazing. Sure, I have this type of things too. But you'll have to pay, I have to keep my business running."

That's when Donnie found himself with his wallet lighter and heart aching by the loss of money, but his bag heavier with a few grams of different stuff. 'I ain't happy, I'm feeling glad. I got sunshine in a bag.' he hummed quietly only for his ears to hear and walked towards his home. He found a pair of sunglasses somewhere in the pocket of his jacket and he had never been this happy about forgetting to take something out of his pocket earlier. 

He wanted to get home quickly so he could take a shower, tho morning showers was Leo's thing. He didn't know what time it was, he didn't care, he just didn't want to be catched by anyone. 

He was speaking of the devil and the devil came, a beelzebub himself, in person, calling his name.

"Donnie?" said the voice of a person he especially didn't want to hear right now. He was curious how was he looking like, curious if it did show a hint of how he was feeling like. And guessing by Leo's face, his eyes scanning Donnie he was sure he was caught. "Where were you? Are you alright?" Leo asked and Donnie didn't know what to answer. Was Leo looking for him earlier? If he was, it was dangerous to say anything about going out a few minutes ago, Leo could've realise he is lying. It took Donnie long to finally think of something. 

"I went on... for an... early jogging" He answered and scratched his neck without even thinking about it. A genius, indeed! He knew that when a person lie, you can find it out by their body language. He hoped Leo didn't know about it. He wanted to change the topic, so he asked Leo where was he going. He noticed Leo smiling lightly and weak, he really didn't want to talk with him right now, the more time he spent here the more he was sure Leo could smell him. Leo had answered him, he said something about buying a gift and he probably did ask Donnie something, but he didn't catch it. He turned his head away and looked behind him, he was sure he had heard someone, but nobody was there. 

He had to end the conversation right now or it will be the end of him. 

"Yeah. Have fun." He said and almost slipped by the pace of his movement, passing Leo by and rushing to the house. 

Holy hole.

When he came home, he realised that everyone was wide awake. Mikey and Raph saw him walking into the house, but he only crossed a look with his older brother and rushed to the bathroom before anyone could say anything. 

"Good morning to you too, Donnie!" he heard Mikey yelling sarcastically after he closed the bathroom's door and overheard Raph telling him to be quiet, but he didn't care. He just wanted to wash his smell off.

He made sure he didn't smell weird anymore, he had used three different shower gels and brushed his teeth four times. He had also immediately put his clothes in the washing machine just before he stepped into the shower. He took a look at himself in the mirror and realised that his eyes still did look weird, and it could be a problem. He had to think of an excuse if anybody saw him like that. Or, he could just go to his room and lock himself in.

He spent the whole day sleeping. When he woke up it was already half past seven in the evening, but he didn't feel rested, he was still tired. However, if there was anything Donnie wanted more than some sleep right now, it was food. He wasn't sure if he was really hungry or if it was only his cravings, he had never felt anything similar before. He had already eaten two granola bars he had hidden in his drawer in case he felt hungry at night or something, but he needed more. He hadn't really eaten all day, so he was sure it could be the reason.

He had heard Mikey and Raph calling him to come over since their uncle Todd came to visit. Uncle Todd could have chocolate for him, that was his first thought, and if he had chocolate for him it meant that he actually could have two chocolate bars since Leo always gave him his one. Why was Donnie thinking about chocolate, anyway? He had some more important things right now than some candies. 

Oh, he craved chocolate. Maybe he could eat the granola bars he had hidden or....

Oh, he already did it. 

He was so, so hungry. How could Leo not eat that long? He chuckled at the thought, but not so long after, he had realised that it was very impolite to think that way. He felt like a cheeky little squirt. 

Someone knocked his door. Please, tell him it is Todd with his chocolate.

"What!" He had yelled so the person outside could hear him. He realised how wasted did his voice sound. And then, Leo came in. He was looking at Donnie, then at the window, at his bed... But he didn't say anything. Donatello started to feel inpatient. 

"Whataya want?" He asked his twin and raised one brow, and Leo must've notice that he didn't say anything yet since he blinked a few times and scratched his neck.

"I just wanted to see you." Really, now? Any other moment but not now. 

"Cool. You can go away now." Donnie had answered him and immediately felt bad about how sharp and unkind did he sound, he was ashamed to look at Leo so he grabbed his phone and pretended to be busy. 

"Can we... Talk?" Leo didn't stop, and Donnie felt his anxiety hit him more. He bit his tongue and pursed his lips, trying hard not to burst right now and there, and it took him long enough to finally ask what did Leo want to talk about. Leo started a sentence but hesitated for a while after a few first words, and then he had told him that uncle Todd is there. And oh sure, Donnie knew that, he really wanted that cocoa thing he was hopeful to get. 

But when Leo mentioned a campfire, that's when Donnie got lost in his thoughts again. He could go, right? Maybe he could finally have the guts to spend some time with Leo without cracking.

Without... cracking.

Or without crack. 

Huh. Donnie almost laughed at the thought, but he fought it. He sure was lost in thoughts. But Leo was patient with him, still waiting for an answer. He finally agreed that he will come, but asked Leonardo to leave his room now since he was busy pretending to be busy. 

When he arrived at the campfire, he noticed that Leo was busy writing something in the diary he had read earlier. No matter how much did Donnie wanted to know what was he writing about, he decided not to steal it ever again. He didn't need Leo to be more mad about him than he already was. He was vibing to whatever Todd was playing on his guitar, tho he didn't sing along nor swayed his body. He was feeling just fine, he had eased his hunger eating a few pieces of bread before and he didn't have to worry about anything just yet. 

That was before Todd started to play Cocaine. And it wasn't the first time he had heard it today, since he remember it being played on Kendra's phone earlier. The memories of how good he was feeling earlier hit him, he could not enjoy any of this right now, he was with his family, they all had fun, they all were fine and Leo was now looking at him and why was he looking at him? He definitely knew something, he had to know something, he couldn't just look at him like that and not notice anything and-

He had excused himself. He couldn't do it now, he was thinking too much about it.

He left them and rushed somewhere far away so he had lost his family off his sight and texted Kendra. 

how does taking cocaine feel like?

He didn't have to wait long for the answer, he saw the dots popping at his screen after around 40 seconds, which meant that Kendra was already texting him back.

Like you're a fucking super hero ;) 

you can try it yourself anyway. 

Chapter Text

How does teen spirit smell like? Leo couldn't help but giggled at the thought of a covered with sweat teenage boy from the 90s, hidden in his room full of garbage and empty cans of beer, probably stolen from his parent's fridge. Just like him and Donnie used to do, except it wasn't in the 90s.

'No sleep,

No sleep until I'm done with finding the answers'

Leonardo spent three hours watching recordings of his favorite bands or artists' concerts. He had spent an entire day sleeping after his dad's birthday. It was all fine, Draxum had thanked him for the gift he bought. His uncle Todd stayed until the next day, but Leo didn't had a chance to say goodbye when he left, he had been lying deeply in the arms of Morpheus since the morning.

And he had a dream.

Dad Draxum took him to the doctor and he had to undress himself and stand on a scale. It showed 88 pounds and Leo could feel his anxiety hit him when he realised how far he had gone. Then, the doctor looked at him with furrowed brows and a blank stare, and told him that he might suffer from something called 'DOE'. Then, he had asked his doctor what does DOE mean, and the doctor just laughed at him and told him, that he should know it best. 

As soon as he woke up he grabbed his phone and tried to search 'DOE' In Google. Nothing came up, except for some marine business, design of experiment or John Doe. Then, he tried to search for Doo, assuming that he might misunderstood it the first time. Then, again, The results that made no sense. Scooby Doo, a dove, hell even animal poop. It made no sense at all. He tried to find anything, he searched for the meaning of his dream.

Turned out, weighting too little meant loss and fears.

Being examined by a doctor could mean that he had to change his lifestyle. It also meant problems with his physical and mental health.

But what the hell did DOE mean? 

He tried hard to remember it, he had a feeling that the doctor in his dream described it at last, but he didn't remember. He had some kind of flashes that the doctor said something about "Disorder Of" something, but he didn't know if it was for real or if it was just in his imagination. 

'Won't stop,

won't stop before I find a cure for this cancer.'

He decided not to think more about it, Leo wasn't sure what to do, until he opened his laptop and, still lying in bed, went on YouTube. The home page recommended him some videos of Lana Del Rey's concert in Brasil from 2018. The crowd? Chills, literal chills on his spine. He wished he was a part of it, to ease his soul and his heart yelling the words with the singer and people surrounding him. He couldn't help a little smile that creeped on his face when the artist got a LGBTQ flag and wore it on her shoulder at the end of "Blue Jeans".

Next one in his recommendations was Marina. A concert in Chile, 2016, 13 songs he knew by his heart since he had a phase... But nobody had to know. His heart made a happy flip when he heard the first notes of "Bubblegum Bitch". He loved this one! It always cheered him up. And Marina, she seemed so happy, Leo was amused just to watch it, however he was really sad that he could never feel what it is like to see an artist performing live.

Paramore? Still into it. Nightwish? He wanted his tears back. Lady Gaga! Oh, call the 911 because he will never love again. Stupid love, he wanted to marry the night. Wait, no! No police, Doja Cat said so. He felt SO high, but he didn't do drugs. And where did the party go? It's the last of the real ones! He wanted to dance, dance like Uma Thurman. Sometimes heartbreak felt so good, he felt like the days when he didn't talk to Donnie were better than the ones he did. What a catch, Donnie! But Leo was a champion, think of it, what did he do in the dark? Listened to Fall Out Boy.

And Metallica, AC/DC, hell even Guns and Roses. However, he was stuck the longest with Nirvana. Hail hell, he loved Nirvana! Donnie showed it to him when they were barely twelve. MTV unplugged in New York that he already watched a milion times? Yes, that's his shit. Live in Amsterdam, Seattle, Rome. He had a special place in his heart for the live record in Portugal from 1994. Besides, how did Portugal look like? He was never in Europe, tho he really wanted to visit it. Maybe he could, maybe he should. 

'I've been searching 

I've been living 

for tomorrows all my life' 

He didn't know if he had a lot of time or if his life was close to an end. Maybe he could convince Draxum so they could have a family trip. Splinter wouldn't agree to that, tho. He would probably yell at him that he is stupid and dumb and unintelligent and ignorant and tense and brainless and foolish and... Nevermind, he just didn't want to talk with his dad about Portugal teenage dreams. He could get along with Portuguese people, he knew spanish. Did they speak spanish in Portugal? He didn't know, call him ignorant, he didn't care.

At 6 AM the lights in Donnie's room were on, nothing new really, but he didn't find himself wanting to come inside. Were they already that bad? Leo never, ever doubted his love for his twin but it wasn't about love that was a problem. It was something entirely different.

He started to feel revulsion against him. The thin ice he was on, ice as a meaning of love. But it was fragile like a rose on the snow, and the cold, icy water was the other, undiscovered yet feeling, but containing something on the border of hatred. 

'Sometimes,

I feel like going down and so disconnected' 

Did he lose his identity? What if the problem doesn't dissolve, what if he became a problem itself? And not eating? Come on, it was way too easy. It wasn't like anybody cared at this point.

Or did they? They didn't put a pressure on him to eat, they just said that he should do it, but never insisted. At some points it felt annoying, embarrassing even. But whenever he thought about it he realised more and more that he, in fact, counted on them to help him.

But holy saint, it made no sense at all! Why did he feel the need to put a stop on it, to finally free himself and be clear again, if whenever he got a chance he withdraw from it? Maybe they didn't try helping him enough, or maybe he didn't want it enough? Besides, it was so egoistic of him. Why would he expect them to get him out of this shit like if it was their fucking business? It wasn't, Leo knew that. But he was a weak, weak man, and he couldn't just ask for help. And the longer you went without speaking, the harder it gets to break the silence. Leonardo knew that, he lived that life everyday. However, why did he feel... Unwanted? Not enough? Too much? 

'Sometimes,

I know that I am haunted to be wanted.' 

If his thoughts were clever, he was silent.

If he mumbled too much, he had nothing to say. 

If he went quiet, he was blaming himself.

Whenever he was talking smart it was about his own stupidity.

He couldn't think about it. Uncle Hueso hadn't talked with him for a while now and Leo's blind thoughts were full of hope he would talk with him more now, since he opened to him. But Leo was a dumb, dumb boy. 

He hated it.

He wanted it to stop.

He wanted to sink deeper into it.

He wanted to live.

He wanted to die.

He wanted nobody to pay attention to him.

But he wanted them to remember about him.

'Lately I've been walking, 

walking in circles, watching,

waiting for something.

Feel me, touch me, heal me,

Come take me higher' 

Leaving the lies that he wanted to live by, when the lie becomes the truth, that's how he wanted it. The sin he had made, leaving the purity in the worst time of his life. What a shame. However he have to cut off to find a new, better way. And to stay like that.

Tomorrow starts today, future had sped up. 

Jesus had officialy rised from the death, fucking awesome, now get the fuck up or fuck off.

'Dear diary,

It's so funny how he used to beg me and pray to saint Hildegard for me to eat, despite his atheism. And now, yo, it doesn't matter, anyway. Maybe it's for the greater good, maybe I can keep it as a secret again, and this time I will really tell no one. 

Dear diary, I want this to end, but it's too soon. Nothing even happened yet, I'm okay, why do i feel not okay? Oh dear diary, I want to live like that forever, but I want to never live like that anymore. What do I do?

i am worried that I will never go to the places i would love to visit because of the lack of time that's left for me'

But... Maybe everything was in its right place. He could just woke up sucking a lemon, it was okay, it was fine. Nothing bad really. There are two colors in his head... What was that he tried to say? 

It was a long week. A boring and awful one. On sunday he had realised he didn't remember the last time he and his brothers had fun together, or at least talked longer than for 5 minutes.

"Portugal? what state is it in?" Raph asked him which made Leo and Mikey laugh. Oh, oh it was precious.  

Leo told them about his Portugal Teenage Dreams, as he called it. They seemed as excited as him, amused by the idea.

"Portugal is in Europe, Raphie!" Mikey answered him half-yelling, still laughing, and Raph only hummed, not really believing him.

"But how... How can a city have its own city? It doesn't make sense, don't pull a trick on me!" He answered, his eyes looked like he was betrayed which only made Leo laugh more, but Mikey stopped and looked confused. 

"What do you mean a city?" The youngest one asked, a small smile still on his face, but he really didn't understand what his oldest brother said. If it was what he thought it was... Oh, oh it was too funny. 

"Oh, don't tell me you're one of those who..." Leo started, but was cut mid-sentence by Raph.

"A city. If Portugal is in Europe it means it's a city, and... Is Lisbon a street name or something? I don't get it."

"Oh you are one of those." Leo wheezed hard and Mikey catched his belly that started to hurt from all the laughter. Raph scratched his head. 

"Portugal is a country in Europe, Raph. Europe is a continent, just like Americas." They all heard Donnie explaining it to Raph from the doorstep, rather unamused with his strained voice, ready to turn away and leave the room. Mikey quickly ran after him and grabbed his arm which made Leo curious what will happen next, knowing that his twin's behavior had changed and he might get more nervous now with physical contact, he was ready to react if something was wrong. However, Donnie only stopped his track, turned to face Mikey, shook his head in disagreement and left. 

Mikey tried to convince him to staying, watching his brother going further away until he was in his room, never saying anything back. Leo shrugged, tho he noticed Mikey's disappointed look on his face. 

"Don't you guys think he acts different since... I don't know, last week maybe?" The box turtle asked quietly, hoping that the soft shell won't hear him.

"Vacant, yeah." Raph nodded his head, and Mikey tilt his head to the side, like a cat. 

"It means absent, Miguel." Leo explained it to him and Michelangelo's face turned normal again after uttering a small "Ah", meaning that he now understands. 

"And do any of you know what is going on?" Raph asked and his eyes rested on Leo with a concerned look. He swears, if he will hear one more time about the 'eat more' kind of thing he will- 

"I might..." Mikey started, but stopped as soon as his brothers look at him. Leo tilted his head in sign for him to continue, but Michelangelo looked in the different direction. 

"What's up, Mikey?" Raph asked him and put a hand on his youngest brother's shoulder to squeeze. 

"I noticed he... I don't really know if It's that important, you know." Mikey's voice was filled with hesitation and that made Raph furrow his brows more, Leo was just standing playing with his feet. 

"Come on, spit it out bro" Leo finally said, now swaying his body nervously.

"He sometimes looks like he has something to hide. You know, I..." He stopped and sit down on the couch, hid his face in the palms of his hands that he had leaned on his thighs. "I may or may not notice his eyes were red once. And he doesn't want to look me in the eyes since then, he always have it turned down, or he turns away, or shakes his head, or does those weird moves with his body and hands and head and legs and-" Leo noticed Mikey's got nervous and his voice was shaky and wobbly. He sat close to him and trapped him close in a hug, so Mikey's head was now glued to Leo's clothed plastron. Raph sat with them, on the other side of Mikey and patted his shoulder lightly before squeezing it in comforting way. Michelangelo wasn't crying, tho he was close to it. He was suspicious of Donnie's behavior, but he was hopeful that it didn't mean what he though it did. 

"And I..." Raph started, having troubles with choosing his words wisely. "Once I remember he crossed a look with me when he came back home early, he looked... Different?" 

Leo shivered. He remembered the smell he felt in Donnie's room the day before Draxum's birthday. But what was this smell? Did it have to do with anything they were talking about? It was something new, and it covered with the time when his brothers saw other strange evidences. Should he tell them about it? Or should he...

"And he smelled bad. Like, not bad bad, but like a different type of bad. Like bad things." Oh, Raph was the first to say it. So maybe Leo was right, maybe it did mean something more than just a bad smell if others noticed it too.

"I... Smelled it too. Once, in his room." Leo found himself confiding before he could think twice about it. "But what do you think does it mean?" Leonardo asked the others and that's when Mikey finally shoved away from his hug, now just fixing his position on the couch to sit comfortably, bringing a pillow close to his chest. 

"Do you think he... Smokes?" Raph asked and scratched his neck, and the others turned their heads to look at him. They all had their brows furrowed, a hint of worry clear on their faces. 

"They aren't cigarettes. They don't smell like that. I know how do they smell like, I remember when dad Splinter used to smoke once in a while. It is not it." Mikey said looking at his fingers. 

"I think it might be..." Leo started, but was cut by a voice coming from the doorstep. It belonged to Yoshi. 

"What are you boys up to? Where is purple?" He asked, having no clue. The brothers crossed the look at each other, anxious and nervous, with no idea how to lead the conversation without it being awkward. Then, Leo had an idea. He nodded his head at his brothers lightly and made a knowing face to inform them that he will deal with it.

But what he planned to do was something he was anxious about, he promised not to bring this topic, not to Yoshi, scared about the consequences. 

"We were..." He started hesitantly and looked at his brother who gave him a comforting look. "Dad, we wanted to know... What is your opinion on going for a family trip with us? Like, all of us, together?" Leo asked and he saw it could work as a solution, judging on his brothers face that were now relieved. 

However, Splinter only raised on brow on him. 

"And where is your dream destination?" 

"Portugal!" Raph and Mikey yelled simultaneously which made Leo smile lightly at them. 

"We were thinking of... Lisbon? It has it's colorful street and nice architecture and-" 

"And you with your state?" His dad asked sharply, making Leo lose his words. He didn't know what to say. He felt exposed and ashamed. 

"Dad! You can't just say it like that!" Mikey answered him, it sounded like he was almost offended with his dad's indignity towards his older brother. 

"And what can you do about it? We will not go anywhere because your brother is stupid enough to starve his junk. If he was wiser, you could ask me then. But now? I don't need more problems if he faints, or worse, go to hospital. I don't need to explain why is my son starved in my house." He said dispassionately, his voice empty, just like Leo's mind right now and turned away to leave the room. Raph started to yelling for him to come back and apologize, but their father just shrugged. 

Leo changed his position and turned his body so now he was sitting with his body in front of the backrest, resting his head on his arms. He didn't see his brothers with his back now turned to them, but he could guess how did they look now.

And he felt their eyes on him.

"Leo, we had to..." Raph started, but was cut off.

"You didn't. You shouldn't."

"He asked us about it, we couldn't stay silent." Mikey answered, his voice worried. 

"And I trusted you." Leo said. He felt betrayed and hurt. 

"And you still can, Leo, we do it because we love you. And we care about you." Raph added and put a hand on his younger brother's shoulder but Leo shivered and quickly shoved it off.  

"And you can't do this to yourself. You're hurting yourself, and we can't look at it and do nothing." Mikey said softly, quieter than before. 

"You say a lot for someone who isn't there." Leo answered them sharply and stood up. Then, after calming the noise in his head and the darkness in his eyes, he left the room quickly. His brothers were saying something after him, but he didn't pay attention. He felt like shit. 

'They say,

That I must learn to kill before I can feel safe 

But I

I'd rather kill myself than turn into their slave.'

Chapter Text

"it fucking hurts!" Donnie yelled, half in pain, half amused.

"Hm? Well, it shouldn't."

"Come on, there's literally a needle in my arm." 

"Yuh, I might have stuck it too deep..." 

When Donnie was 10, he was scared of a man he met in the grocery store. He was big and scary, his head was shaven bald, he had a flesh tunnel in his ear. However, Donnie admired a big tattoo on his arm. It was something he had never seen before, but it looked pretty, interesting indeed.

When he was 12, Mikey became better at drawing. He told him once that if he wouldn't have any idea what to do in the future, he would become a tattoo artist. He was curious if Mikey remembered it.

When he was 14, Leo and him shared the ideas about their future tattoo. They both decided that when they turn 18 they will both get matching tattoos, as a sign for their friendship and brotherly love. And the tattoo? Leo had joked that it had to be something like a small "Sad Bitch #1 and #2", but they realised it was a bad idea since they both could argue who is the first sad bitch. Then, they both thought of something like the power of the brain and love, with a tattoo of a brain and a heart, but Leo laughed that they both didn't have a heart. It was a no. 

"Tattoo my pretty face on your arm and I'll agree to tattoo your ugly one, if you would insist!" He remembered Leo saying. Looking at his face every second of his life? Would sent him straight to the hospital. With a myocardial infarction. And a seizure. 

They even laughed that they should have a pot and a kettle, for pot always calling the kettle. 

He was damn glad that it wouldn't be Leo tattooing them, because he was sure as hell if he had the whole control around it, he would make them a tattoo of a penis and an asshole. 

Just for fun.

Or when Leo told him Donnie should have a small one saying " A brother of gay" and Leo with "A bro of an autistic bitch". Donnie just rolled his eyes. 

Donnie never, ever could have guessed that his 15 year old self would be getting a tattoo done, only half sober, by a friend in her room home alone.

Everything started when she invited him to hang out at her place, since she was bored, he was bored and an evening with weed was something they adored. 

They had came closer to each other lately, Donnie liked Kendra's presence and The girl also realised that Donnie wasn't just a poor, hurt man in need. 

Kendra had trust issues. Her only friends were Jeremy and Jason, with Jason being her stepbrother and not really a choice of hers, she never really let anyone else got any closer to her than just to buy something, maybe talk a bit and disappear completely unless it wasn't a regular customer of her. She actually had similar plans towards Donnie, or Othello as he had introduced himself the first time they have met. She could show him something, sell him something and either hope to get a new regular customer or be a part of the moment from the past that had passed a long time ago and would be forgotten and buried. 

It didn't happen. 

And she didn't know why, she just felt... Good, alright with Donnie. When they met in the park those two weeks ago she thought that they could just smoke together for the first time and she would then leave him with a bag of something nice, but... Then, they started talking. He had opened up to her, and she never knew when and why, but she also had told him something from her life. Her real self that was hidden behind a mysterious facade was already shown, she didn't have to hide now, she felt comfortable with Donnie.

However, Jason and Jeremy still didn't know him. Kendra wasn't sure whether to get them to know each other or just have Donnie as a friend of her only. She wasn't sure about their reaction since their motives were relied only on getting someone into their dirty business to get more money from the strangers. Also, she knew they would feel betrayed. And it wasn't like she gave a fuck, those were her choices and it was her life, but she didn't need another drama in her life. 

They started texting each other often. It wasn't about drugs even, sometimes they were just talking about anything that they wanted to talk about, they sent each other memes or funny videos, hell once even Kendra got Donnie to play a game with her. 

She won it fair and square, that's what she stands up for even tho Donnie might have a different opinion on the topic.

Lately, they also started to talk through a video call. Sometimes it didn't last longer than 30 minutes, but more often those were a long calls, sometimes reaching even 6 or 7 hours, mostly during sleepless nights. They would talk nonsense, talk sense, listen to music or play games, they even watched a movie together once with Donnie sharing his screen on Discord once. 

And they both felt like they needed that. Kendra was never a person who had a lot of friends outside the usual group of people she was hanging out with, neither was Donnie. And Donnie? He loved the idea of having a real friend he could count on. 

It was a normal, warm summer day when Kendra invited him to come over to hang out. Why not, Donnie thought. He hadn't had any other plans anyways, and to have a break from his family breaking down every passing day? It was like a blessing. He had come over to her place somewhere between 5 and 7 pm, they had already smoked a little but not that much, just to chill out. They didn't know how did it happen, but they realised they had matching pants! Kendra was wearing purple crossed sweatpants with darker and lighter lines, and Donnie had mid-leght shorts in exact same color and pattern. It was hot inside so Kendra took her hoodie off and she was now wearing a dark blue crop top on straps. That's when Donnie realised that Kendra had tattoos! Both of them were on her arm, it was a black colored dragon a little below her shoulder, and a Marijuana leaf with smoke under it. The design was pretty nice, not obvious at all, but it made Donnie curious. 

"Where did you make those?" He asked her once she put the hoodie on a backrest of a chair. 

"Those two sweethearts? Oh, I've made them myself. Hard indeed, but totally worth it." She said, looking at her tattoos admiringly. 

"Wow. That's... That's impressive." He said, also admiring her work. She looked up at him and smiled playfully. 

"Do you want one, too?" 

It didn't take Donnie long to agree. The secrecy of it all, the rebellion against the norm was what made everything so much more exciting for him. They both discussed where to do it, he wanted it to be easy to cover but also visible to him when he wanted to see it. He didn't have a lot of choice, he couldn't tattoo his plastron nor his shell (Even the thought about it made him shiver in pain). His legs? No, too uncovered. That left them with his arms. 

They picked a place little below the shoulder, similar to where Kendra's dragon tatto was on. The other thing was the design. 

She had asked him if he had anything in mind but he didn't really, he wasn't prepared for anything like that to happen. Kendra had showed him some of her designs she had, all of them were something what one could describe as a grunge. There was a snake one, a cigarette with a smoke, broken bones, a 666 sign, the marijuana leaf she had tattooed along with the dragon one, a smiley face similar to the one associated with Nirvana. 

"I could just tattoo you a Scooby Doo and call it a day." Kendra said and that made Donnie laugh. "Come on, it's not even a bad idea!" 

"Indeed, sure." He said mockingly. 

"Besides, Shaggy was a smoker." 

"How come?" He asked, curious.

"Didn't you see him? He looks like a hippie Dippin trippy bro with some goooooood goodies." She said, emphasizing the last words melodically. 

"Is this a Pickle Rick." He asked pointing one of the drawings from her sketchbook, hiding the smile behind an unamused façade. 

"Pffhhtt, no..." She answered, trying not to laugh. "Actually... Do you want something only aesthetically pleasing, or would you like to add a meaning behind it?" 

"A meaning would be nice, do you have something in mind?" He asked, looking at her curious.

"Actually I do." She said, and flipped the pages over to find a specific one. "Look. If you understand what I mean I'm going to applause you." She said, pointing to a small tattoo design. It was a lighter with a little marijuana leaf on it. Donnie didn't say anything, but his eyes were traveling between the design and the tattoo on Kendra's arm. "I think you know what I mean." 

"Are we going to have matching tattoos?" He asked with admiration. 

"Do you want to have one?" She answered his question with another one. 

"bien sûr!" 

'Open up you Bible turn to page six hundred sixty six

if you got a fucking problem I'll call up the devil, bitch' 

"How many times have I told you already? Sit still!" Said Kendra, with a needle prepared to be put in Donnie's arm for the final touches, clearly annoyed by Donnie who was swaying to the rhythm of "Rhythm is a Dancer" By SNAP!. Come on, that's his jam!

"Why I CAN'T when you put on a music like that" 

"I can change it to death metal if you will not calm your ass, I swear." 

"Sweet yes!" He said, even more amused.

"Hell no."

'I know something

My best friend's name is the reaper

Take it from him

all he says, he always lingers' 

The tattoo itself didn't hurt. What did, was that he in fact, promised Leo that their first tattoos will be made together. But how can one little promise be keeped if the most important one wasn't?

To be with him. To hold him, run after him in miles, in light years. To hear him when he calls and talk for him when he's mute. To think about him when he's gone and to find him when he's lost. To stay. Forever.

And he couldn't help but blame himself for that. When was he when Leo woke up at 6 am for the first time, took the first morning shower and skipped the first meal? Where was he when Leo bought his diary, lost his first memory and stayed in his room for a whole day the first time? 

And what was Leo doing now while he was breaking their promise? Yet, another one?

"How would you judge a person who keeps breaking promises?" He asked Kendra suddenly which made her stop in the track. She looked at him confused, and put the tools away.

"Hm? I don't know. I only kept one promise in my life."

"What promise?" 

"Promise no promises." She said shrugging. However, it didn't calm him. It made him even more anxious. If promises were so serious that Kendra had to find a way how to break the rules by not breaking the rules, it made him even more of a skunk for breaking it without an explanation. "How come? When and why did that tought appear?" 

"Nevermind. But imagine if you promised someone something, and it was very important, even life threatening. And you broke it. What now?" 

She tought about it for a while. Before she answered, she grabbed the tools again to continue her work. It made Donnie shiver from the sudden contact, but he didn't feel pain. Not physical, that's for sure. 

"Then you will have to learn not to make promises you can't keep. Or keep them even though you regret them." 

"And what if I regret that I didn't keep a promise?" He asked again, still not satisfied. 

"In the end... Promises are only words." She said shrugging, stealing one look of Donnie's face. "And people must learn not to trust words, but actions." 

Could it be? But if promises were about actions... No, that was too much to think about. His large brain felt too little to understand it. 

Maybe 'forever' was a word meant for memories and not people. Now he probably had to remember for longer than to have known. It's funny how day by day nothing changes - but when you look back everything is different. He couldn't do anything more than he had already done, could he? Or was he really the one to blame? 

"It's about him, isn't it?" She asked once she finished, now cleaning Donnie's arm. 

"I promised him I will always be there. But I disappeared the moment he needed me the most. I don't even know where was I." 

"And did he ask you for your help?" She asked, not turning her eyes away from Donnie's arm. 

"No, he doesn’t know how to ask for help. He just disappears and either comes back once it's good, or you have to look for him yourself." 

"But you saw it, and you wanted to help him. You did everything you could. And it's still not over yet." Donnie noticed Kendra tried to find the right words. He appreciated that. But he still didn't believe her. 

"But I should be with him, I should know it. I could've prevent it all but I disappointed myself, I disappointed him." Kendra finally looked him in the eyes and put a hand on his cheek, caressing it with her thumb. Donnie didn't like physical touch, but he didn't withdraw. He was okay with it that moment. He felt comforted and that's what Kendra wanted. 

"It only shows how much you love him. I'm sure he knows it too." She said and took her hand away from his face to punch him on the shoulder lightly. The other one than where he had his tattoo, fortunately. "And I'm sure he loves you, more than anything."

"You know, I know that he loves me. But sometimes it feels like he wants nothing more than for me to disappear. I don't know. He hurts me, but it still feel like true love." Kendra listened to him but she didn't answer. She was putting a second skin on his tattoo so it won't get infected. After she finished, she put everything away and cleaned the place. 

"You say you love rain, but you open your umbrella. You say you like staying in the sun, but you still search for the shadow." She had finally spoken and it was clear Donnie didn't expect it. He gave her a confused look. She rolled her eyes before she continued. "It's hard to keep up if everything you say has it's exceptions." She sent him an apologetic smile. "You know, sometimes... Two damaged people, trying to heal each other is love. He just has to understand it."

"And what if he doesn't?" 

"If it's meant to be then it will be. If the time is right, you will find him again. Unless it's you who got lost." 

"I hate it when you're so wise. Keep your morals away from me!" 

"I should've recorded it to have something against you in the court." Donnie chuckled. He appreciated Kendra's words and help.

"You should meet him. You would help him more than I ever could." He said and Kendra laughed, but then she noticed that he was dead serious.

"Oh, oh no. The best I can do is give stash and pick 'shrooms. Nothing more, really." She answered him, trying to ease the situation with jokes. 

"Are you joking? I've known you for a few weeks only, but I still see how much you have helped me already. You are wiser than you think." 

"Actually..." She said but hesitated for a moment. "The only reason why I know this all is that I've been going for a therapy for about two years now. I wouldn't even be here if not for my therapist." 

Donnie blinked. And again. And then the third time. His eyes were opening and closing fast until he shook his head. Kendra tilted her head like a cat who doesn’t understand what is going on around it.

"I didn't know." He said, and that's when Kendra realised what she had told him. 

"Oh, this... Nah, don't worry about it. I'm fine now. Just a little..."

"No, no, I mean... I'm sorry." He cut her mid-sentence, but she didn't have to finish it anyway. She knew. Also did he. 

'Every step I take another way to rest,

how bitter of me lately,

I just wish he'd take me

summer's always awful 

winter is the one that breaks me down'

"You... You can look now. 'S all done." Kendra said, proud of her work. Donnie hesitated before looking in the mirror, but when he took a look at it... 

"That. is. fucking. Amazing!" He said louder than he should, but they both didn't care. Donnie couldn't turn his eyes away from the tattoo and Kendra was even more proud now she had received a good opinion. She wanted to say something more when her phone turned on. 

It was Jason. He was supposed to be spending the night with Jeremy at his place, had something happened?

She put the phone on speaker but she didn't tell them about it and Jason's voice... Well it did sound wasted, that's for sure. 

"Kennedy! It is very, very serious!" The voice on the phone yelled and it made Donnie turn his head in curiosity. 

"Don't call me that, that's for the first. Second, what the hell? Told you, I'm busy." 

"Busy with? Besides, we need stash! Now, now now!" 

"What the hell, Jas?!" Kendra suddenly yelled. She looked furious. "Jeremy had everything we had left for future use and I can't let us take the one for our sells!" She grabbed the phone so hard she had almost broke it, but she closed her eyes and counted to ten quietly.

Donnie supposed her friends didn't know he was here so he stayed quiet, tho he really wanted to tell Kendra something, anything to help her.

Also, what did it mean? Did they run out of drugs? Was it a very big deal or just a big deal? And what now? 

"Listen, Jason" she started harshly. "First off, you had very much exaggerated. Not only did I agreed you could take some of my stuff, which was about to be sufficient for a few days, but now you tell me that you need more and you have nothing left?" 

"You can't leave a friend in need." 

"Oh be sure I don't! When it is really friend of mine. Listen, Jas, we may have something in common, the same mother for example, but nothing more. And I am helping you no more, think before you drink and stay awake when you take. Don't call me again, I don't need any of your shitty drama now." Kendra answered and shut her phone off, helping herself from throwing it out the window. She pounced her back on the mattress of the bed before covering her face with a long, frustrated growl. 

"Uhm, sorry, but I might have not understood what happened there." Donnie said, trying not to make Kendra mad. 

"He pisses me off" She said before getting up to look at Donnie. "Every fucking time he just can't end up taking a little bit of something, he ends up finishing fucking everything and then we have to look for him somewhere in the other fucking city" He was sure he had never seen her so mad.

Were they talking about the same guy? Jason was the skinnier one, right?

"Of course I have more of everything, every kind" She said, standing up to open the window to catch a fresh breath. "But I swear, if I'm ever gonna be catched it will be his fault" 

"Is he that bad?" Donnie had asked. He never knew anyone who had a big biggie big problem with drugs, Kendra definitely wasn't this kind of person, she knew when to put a stop to it. But from her stories, Jason was the other side of the medal. 

"It's worse." She answered, not turning away from the window. "And I have to hide him from everyone, if anyone were to found out I would be punished"  

Donnie didn't took Jason as the kind of guy who would be fucking around when baked. Turns out he is a troublemaker. And Jeremy? From what Kendra had told him, the big boy from the group had also a big heart but a small brain. He laughed when he thought about how it fits the description of Raph. However, Kendra's problems with her group made him feel bad for her, since she was the one who had to carry everything on her shoulders. It was a surprise when the girl told him that she won't do any drugs with the Purple Dragons anymore, that the group is now reserved for selling only but she doesn't want them in her close life anymore. It all left her with to much of an anxiety.

Turns out, Kendra had her stash hidden for her use only, and didn't tell Jason nor Jeremy about it. And it seemed to be a good idea now, since if she ever outed herself, there would be nothing for her left.

And nothing for Donnie, as she had said it. 

He didn't know if it was fair for him to take anything from her for free, but how could he say no to that? Not when she insisted, that's for sure. However, he still felt a little unsure about it. He had never, ever tried any hard drugs, even though he had bought 'em before, but he kept it for the future use. You know, when it was really bad.

He had told Kendra about it, but she just laughed at him saying that this is even better, because it's almost like she were to deflower him. 

Which made him cringe, but also laugh a little. 

'Save me from myself,

I just wanna go, I just wanna leave, take me

I've created hell'

Donnie did smoke a few times after the first time he smoke with Kendra, mostly at night, on the roof or on the sill of his window. He had also grew to realisation of what did the girl mean when she mentioned that it 'helps with appetite' because every time after he was zonked, he ate for a whole army. However, weed? He found it amusing, relaxing, he could understand why people could become addicted with it, but he wasn't one of them. He didn't want to become a mess himself, not after everything Kendra had told him about her step brother. But one time wasn't a big deal, right? Kendra was here to take care of him.

That's how they end up where they have started, with two white lines on Kendra's table, like two teenage dirtbags about to meet the land of a Neverending story. 

"Better of I'm dead now,

get it off my chest now." 

Kendra showed him the art of rolling the banknote and he followed her, now they both had one roll in their hands. 

It was Donnie who had first rised his hand with the note for Kendra to follow, like if they were rising a toast.

"For the wounded." Said kendra, rising her own one.

"And the losts." He finished as they both lowered their heads to sniff.

'save me from myself

I just wanna go, I just wanna leave, take me'

What was happening? 

No, seriously. It felt as he was seeing too much, but hadn't seen enough. He wanted to laugh untill his head comes off. And he felt like there he was allowed everything all of the time. They were not scaremongering, this was really happening. 

He was so far up, afraid to come back down. And Kendra? She was facing him upside down. Was she hanging her head off the bed or did he see everything the wrong way? Didn't matter, watch him fly, now he was lifted, shifted higher than the ceiling. Now he really felt super powerful, he could understand why Kendra told him so when he asked her that through the SMS, but did he really? Maybe he was hallucinating. Why did he feel that way, anyways? 

And can this big fly from the ceiling get off of his vision? It makes him annoyed. 

"Ken let's fucking kill this fly..." He said with a voice so droning he wasn't sure if he really had said it. He was on cloud nine, as he stood up he threw back his head and let out a loud, humorless laugh.

"I thought I was the only fucking one who saw it" She answered him blantly and also stood up. "I.. I know! You, you will..." She started, and Donnie laughed at the difficulty she had with choosing the words. She stopped mid-sentence as she raised her head to look at the fly again. "I think it flew away"  

"No, it is here!" He pointed at the non-existent dot that was so clearly visible for him and Kendra only scratched her neck. 

"I Don't know, I... Wait no, it's here! You're right, Donbong, sooo right!" She chuckled with an insanely atypical enthusiasm, as if she just saw an UFO in her room. "You'll pick me up and I'll murder it!" She answered and Donnie laughed even more. 

"Noo, the police will be here... And I Don't want to explain anything..." 

"Police can kiss me on the ass." She answered and without a second thought started to climb on her friend. Donnie reacted quite quickly and tried to help her get up, but with their state their movements were pretty uncoordinated, and they both landed on the floor with a big crash. 

However, they both started laughing insanely after they crossed a look with each other. 

"Wait, wait! I am a ninja! I can do it!" Donnie said, and not even a second later he was standing again and threw something book-shaped at the ceiling. For quite a while he was sure that in his mind was not a second of silence, with the cracks and crushes and bangs still reflecting in his mind, bouncing there like a beach ball. It was so loud in the room that if anybody was to hear it, they could call the police for disturbing the peace of the night. 

"Woo-Hoo!" Kendra cheered loudly and hugged Donnie for a second after shoving him off and rushing to the window to laugh uncontrollabely. Donnie still didn't really know what was happening, but he felt awesome. He wanted to laugh, too. And he had saved the day, he was a hero, he killed a fly!

Even though the fly had never existed. It did, in their dulled minds.

He didn't want to come back down, didn't want to touch the ground. 

However, the feeling had to go either way. And it did, and left Donnie with a feeling like he was now drowning in an indescribable emptiness. And Kendra had warned him about it too, telling him that it can't get over him because he would just want more and more, his will had to be strong enough for him not to get lost in it. 

However, it hit him even more now, when he had to come back home in the middle of the night. Kendra insisted to walk him back home, and she did, but had to go away in the middle of their walk. It was Jeremy who called her, saying that Jason was in a bad state and he doesn’t know what to do. Donnie could see the frustration on Kendra's face growing each second, and finally he had suggested that she should go meet them and tell them everything she had to say. She agreed, but told him that if anything happens, they are in contact. 

However, Donnie - with a mind still dulled, took more time than usual to come back. And he received a text from Kendra after around 40 minutes and the realisation hit him. It meant that he should be home a long time ago, yet he still wasn't. 

Are you home yet?

Not really no

There's a very drunk man on the street and he has been flirting with me for 10 minutes

Why the fuck didn't you run away 

I don't know I like the attention he gives me 

And where is he now???

I think he went to grab a flower for me 

Run away 

It will break his heart

He will break your bones 

And with that he chuckled, took a look around to make sure that the man wasn't creeping on him around and with a faster pace, he rushed back home.

It would be a beautiful evening, night, or day, whatever one could call it, if not for his twin brother sitting in Donnie's own room, with his arms crossed, eyes worried and mad and his blue blanket (That Donnie still didn't give back - he forgot about it!) laying on his thighs. 

What was Leonardo doing here? Did he have a nightmare? Was he looking for him?Have he told anyone about his absence? Was he...

Was he lurking around his room? Through his things? 

Or was Donnie still zoned out and it was just a hallucinations? 

He took a step closer, just to make sure he was seeing things correctly, but then Leo spoke up.

"Had a nice time? Took you long enough, hadn't it?" 

Oh, oh he sounded so pissed off. Good thing he still didn't have any idea what was going on, Donnie could just tell him about his friend without diving into the details and call it a day, there was nothing that could out him now, he didn't smoke today. Well, not enough for it to be perceptible. They were alright! 

They would be alright if it was not for a known small bag of grassy stuff that was lying proudly next to Leo. 

Chapter Text

It was already past midnight. Actually, if we were to be accurate it was quarter 'till three in the morning. Leonardo couldn't sleep. Not after everything that had happened that's for sure. He still had his brothers' voices in mind, all of them as loud as if they were here yelling above his head, hitting his brain like a tsunami. He should check on Donnie. But Donnie wasn't here, not in their house, he had the sense telling him that he was somewhere else. He didn't see him going out or so, he just knew that if he was home some quiet sounds could be heard, or steps maybe. 

Okay, maybe he didn't know if Donnie was home or not, but he knew that something in his heart and mind and soul was telling him that he should check on him.

"Donnie has been absent for quite a long time now..." 

Leo, creeping through the hall as quiet as the grave, said walking towards his twin's room. When he came inside, it was empty. 

"Donnie is not here in his room at night..." 

He chuckled nervously and started to laugh silently almost like a psychopath. 

"He does act a little Insular!" he had said mockingly, mimicking Raph's voice in an angry tone.

"Donnie has something to hide..."

As he had said it with a tremulous voice as he went towards Donnie's nightstand to look what was on it, under it, inside it, and inside the drawer. Nothing but a few pills for a better sleep, however he did look inside the box, just in case. Fortunately, he found nothing. 

"Donnie was caught with red eyes by Mikey..." 

His voice became even more wobbly. He was not sure if he could find something, anything, he was almost sure if Donnie had anything to hide it was hidden properly and carefully, but he knew his brother. He rapidly stood up which almost made him lose his balance, but his anxiety was too hard for him to eveb give a shit about his bad fucking movement control. He had to find it, whatever he was looking for, he had to. He knew it was somewhere here. 

"Donnie does act differently..." He said as an idea creeped his mind and hit him with hesitancy. He took a few steps until he was in front of Donnie's bookshelf 

"Donnie does..." He started with a voice taut only to stop when he grabbed something that was surely meant never to be seen by anyone. His voice became so thin now. "Drugs." 

As he stood up... Everything hit him. The headache, heartache, he took a step back with the bag still in his hand. He put the other one on his forehead, why it was so hot there right now? He felt like the devil who was walking next to him had just took a step closer to punch him in the face with his burning sharp tail followed by a long evil laugh. Suddenly he had lost the balance, or did his feet hit something? He didn't know, his body felt just to heavy and tense to keep it under control, fortunately his ass fell on his twin's bed. 

"And he has my fucking blanket?" He almost yelled but kept his tone quiet enough, scared that he would woke anyone up. Oh, he was definitely going insane, he could hear it in his voice that was now on the border between mental breakdown and a fucking insane laughter. Why did he want to laugh? There was nothing to laugh about, it was serious, it hurt, it felt like he had just lost something and could never be given back nor replaced. 

Should he tell dads? Splinter was a no no, and Draxum? Well, he was not so sure about it. While Splinter was the one he had more troubles with, Draxum was a strict parent, too. Telling Mikey and Raph felt fair enough since they were the ones who had inspired him to poke around Donnie's things in search of something he was not so sure he wanted to find. 

But telling them wasn't fair for Donnie. Maybe he had never taken them yet, maybe... No, who was he trying to delude, probably his own self. The smell in Donnie's room the first time he had acted different, all the things he had heard from Raph and Mikey. It all made sense now, everything was so clear but he didn't understand, couldn't understand anything. Just... Why?

Was it because of him? People usually turn to those type of things because they are over-stressed, because they need something to cope. If there was anything Donnie was stressed because of, it was him.

With that knowledge it was even more unfair to not only spy, but also to tell on Donnie. He wanted to talk with him first. To keep it in a mid-light tone, to try and understand his choice, maybe to get him out of this shit. 

So he just sat on his bed properly, got his blue blanket and put it down on his legs. Trying to ease his nerves and calm his mind down he tried not to look at the bag of stash he had found between his twin's physics books. He knew that if Donnie were to hid anything ot would be somewhere no one would ever look into. So his bookshelf. Smart enough to keep it waya from dads and brothers, but not to outsmart Leo. 

'then the door was opened and the wind appeared,

the candles blew and then disappeared, 

the curtains flew and then he appeared'

He was playing with his fingers, trying to find the words to tell Donnie, to keep the conversation light (At least as light as an 'I know you do drugs' conversation could be) but everything hit him again once he heard someone's steps walking towards the room he was already in. He knew whose steps were they. Suddenly all the words left him, the nerves came back, and anger was the strongest feeling he had felt. So, when Donnie opened his room and looked at Leo with his wide eyes, Leo couldn't wait longer. Especially not when Donnie took one big step towards him, hesitantly rising his hand as if he wanted to touch him and check if he was real. 

"Had a nice time? Took you long enough, hadn't it?" 

And he didn't realise how pissed he was, his voice had shown it clearly. Donnie tried to look away, to look at something that could be nicer to focus an eye on and it felt like playing poker with the devil. One mistake and you lose everything. One success and he would win it all. Except this time there was no winning, not when Leo held the strongest card in his sleeves, or to be more specific - lying next to him. And Donnie was no idiot, after a second the realisation must have hitten him. When he noticed the bag, suddenly Leo realised that he wasn't the devil in question - The devil was actually walking next to Donnie. And Leo wanted to feel the angel sliding up to him. Just to make the world his oister. Donnie stil didn't answer him. 

"Why are you here, Leo..." If Donnie tried to sound dangerous, threatening even, it didn't work. Leo could sit here and laugh at him for eternity, with no care in the world about his safety, Donnie could do nothing. The control he had over the situation was sweet like sugar, however he felt hot in the chest. So he just smiled to his eyes, wrinkles near his eyes so pretty and clear yet so fake. He has been trying hard not to get into trouble but he got a war in his mind, so he just rode, he just smiled, he could just laugh. That's what he did. "How did you get that?" Donnie didn't stop, of course he didn't, how could he when he was so clearly being undressed right now from all his hopes and his wills. What was so funny for Leo? He didn't even know, he just went with it. 

"Really tought you could get it over me so easy, didn't you?" At a normal occasion Donnie would be happy to hear his brother's laugh, but not now, not when it did in fact sound fake, when it did sound threatening in contrast to his own tries. Not when it did sound like it was on an ice-blue line of insanity. On the border of what was good and what was life-threatening. Everything hit Donnie harder, and Leo knew that, when he finally had stopped laughing. He just smiled mockingly with this reddish, dangerous spark in the eye telling him either to run or to pray for his life. But something inside it contrasted with his fake-real confidence, and those were tears in his eyes. "Now do you think, theoretically, what would be nicer of me? Telling Raph or Draxum? Maybe Splinter, huh?" And his smile never left his face, but was now trembling for its God damn life.

'redefine hapiness'

"You won't do it Leo. I know you won't do it." Donnie probably tried to outsmart Leo, to play his little game as he said those words with similar smug smile to his own. However his eyes were open so widely Leo could easily see every centimeter of his surroundings inside 'em with no trouble. However Leo's fears grew back, his silly play was broken when Donnie came closer to him and tried to grab the bag that was lying next to Leo. Leonardo was thankful he kept his hand next to it so he could grasp it, fighting for the domination over it with his twin. He yanked it to the other side and with no idea what to do now he just... sat on it. 

However it wasn't the smartest idea ever, with his lighter weight now he was just so easy to be held up Donnie. It did hurt him physically, Donatello's yet strong grasp was now at it full power when mad. However, Leo still fought it. He grabbed his blanket with the bag on it and pulled it over to himself when suddenly he was thrown by Donnie. He fell on the floor. Donnie was already stumbling over him and he almost fell, so Leo rolled over to avoid being crushed alive. Donatello fell on his butt with a loud crack. But Leo won. He was the one with the bag in his hands after all. And Donnie probably didn't realise it at first, because he was looking around to find his treasure, and Leo couldn't help himself not to wave it in front of his twin's face to look before quickly pulling it to himself and tighten his grip on it. 

"Come on Leo, you know two can play this game." Donnie was oh so close to lose it all it was almost euphoric for Leo but his emotions took control over him when he found himself with tears falling off his face. At first he didn't realise it and tried to say something but he understood once he found himself unable to, with his voice all shaky and shit. "Now what is that you're trying to do? You proved your point, can you give it back?" Donnie tried, he really did but it made Leo burst in laughter so strong and loud Donnie's first reflex was to grab his mouth and shut it, but it was near impossible when Leo was shaking on the floor, thirty-three percent because of the laugh, another because of the literal pain in his ass from the fall and the rest because he was actually crying, excluding the fact that he seemed so amused. He wasn't. It was panic laughter. 

They were still sitting on the damn floor, their legs crossed in front of each other, face to face with now faster breathing from their little fight. 

"I won't! I will not, never! You wish!" Leo never kept his voice quiet, their sleeping family was long forgotten.

"Leo, keep your fucking mouth quiet!" Donnie half-yelled, quieter than his younger brother but his tone was as agressive as his behavior. That made Leo withdraw a little from this weird game they were playing. Or just him that was playing it. And he didn't even know if he was winning or not anymore. 

"No, Donnie, what the fuck? Now why would I do that?" Leo said now in a quieter tone, defending himself from Donnie's grabby hands trying to get back what once was his. Leo couldn't have that, but Donnie had a hook to bait.

"Because what else would you do with it? Smoke it yourself? Hide it somewhere so I could be the one to gull you into it and tell anyone that it's yours? You know they are harsh on you now, right?" Donnie said finally keeping his hands to himself, trying to prove a point and Leo didn't know what to say. It wasn't very elegant of him to use his brother's weakness against him. It's not like anything in him was elegant, a first class dumpster.

"Or I can throw it away somewhere you won't find it?" He said, or more like asked or suggested and Donnie chuckled. But it wasn't a pleasant chuckle, Donnie had actually made fun of him. Suddenly he felt silly but he didn't even know why. 

"So someone else could find, huh? Or so you could bring us more troubles?" Donnie raised a brow at him, rather unamused. Leo furrowed his owns. "Look, you can't just burn it. It won't smell nice, trust me. If you hide it, I will find it. Or someone else, or I can turn the tables. If you tell someone, fine, but trust me you will pay for that for fuck's sake, Leo. I did not tell on you, no matter how much I wanted to, I kept your fucking secret till the end." 

"You did not!" Leo loosened his grip on the bag but when Donnie noticed it and tried to grab it, he reacted quite quickly. It was still Leo's decision either to give it back or keep it to the end. For a moment it almost worked, Donnie's poor speech, but he still fought it. 

"Out of care Leonardo! Out of care! And I told the only person you love and trust enough, not just the first person that came around! Everybody else just noticed it themselves! Because I fucking love you. Or did. How can you... Do you even know what are you doing?!" And oh this made Leo speechless, not because it felt different or if it was heartbreaking, no no, it because of this little hesitance that Donnie showed when he told him if he still loved him. But Leo did. Why couldn't Donnie see that? 

'love of two is one

here but now they're gone'

"But I just... I am trying to help you you idiot." Leo said lighter in a quavering voice. Donnie sighed. 

"At very last, actually thank you Leo! You've made me feel again! I can feel alive again, but only when I have it, so could you please give me that fucking back, lovely brother?" Donnie said in one breath, almost overdramatic so Leo could actually think about it and he did, but it was actually too late to even care at this point. 

"So it is my fault." Leo just said-asked, and Donnie only raised a brow looking at Leo with eyes telling him something like 'no shit sherlock'. That's when Leo threw the bag in a passive-agressive manner, probably harder than he should which made Donnie jump a little, half from the surprise and half from the strength that his brother used to do it. And it was it, that was all, Leo lost the game he came up with himself. Congratulations to the biggest idiot in the world, to the greatest failure, to the weakest of the being. He stood up rapidly stumbling when he opened the door and cracked it hard when he left. 

And he couldn't help the ugly sob after hearing Donnie's weak chuckle from the other side. 

'came the last night of sadness

and it was clear that she couldn't go on'

4:22

I need your help

4:59

more than anything

5:24

never needed it more

5:48

answer me please

6:15

you can't leave me like that

6:43 

I just woke up madre dios what is happening 

you scared me now young man 

why does he do it to me

Who is doing what?

Leo?

Leo tell me what is happening.

missed call 

missed call 

missed call 

I will call Donatello if you won't answer now.

no

I am here

Don't call him please

call duration 01:48:20 

I have called it a day off

we can meet whenever you want to

1 pm?

I can grab a bus

Don't stress it

I'll come myself 

thank you for trusting me with that 

The weather wasn't nice. It was cold, close to raining but not yet, yet the clouds were never so dark this summer. Actually, the summer was almost ending, it was nearly september. Does it ever drive you crazy just how fast the night changes?

'seasons Don't fear the reaper

nor do the wind, the sun or the rain

(we can be like they are)' 

And it felt similar to what was going on inside Leo's mind. The coldness that was either from his heart or the weather, couldn't care less, he just felt it. The difference was that now he had a person walking next to him, truly an angel he was searching for that came driving almost an hour just to see his nephew. And Leo felt bad for losing trust for him before.

But now it was his turn to turn the tables and 'tell on Donnie' to Hueso. 

He had already asked him what to do, but the idea of telling dads was not on the table. It was still his brother after all, he didn't want to be a snitch. Hueso's assurance that it was for Donnie's good didn't speak to him, not sure if it was because of his earlier threatens or that Leo actually was scared of the consequences. 

"But You're telling me that you were the one that caused it?" Hueso had asked him. They were walking to nowhere really, and Leo didn't mind it. He liked it. 

"Said it himself." Leo shrugged. 

"And was he... clean?" Hueso asked and Leo furrowed brows at him, not sure what did it mean, but he didn't need more than five seconds to understand. 

"I... think so? He didn't look high, I reckon." Leo answered him and Hueso shook his head. 

"He didn't have to be, some things last longer even hours after using substances." Huh. This made it even more complicated. "And you weren't the one that pulled him into that, you are not the one to blame. That was his own choice." 

"Yeah, inspired by my behavior. You can't shove that Hueso, this is on me." He said raising his hands above his head to prove his point.

"You are way to fast to judge the situation Leo, you can never know for sure." Hueso was looking to the distance, deep in thoughts. He was a person too, after all. He found himself having problem with helping Leonardo, even if he was the adult and mature of them two, it was still hard. 

"I know, but I can't just go with it thinking that I did nothing to make it happen." Leo didn't even try to consider what Hueso told him as a fact, he had his own opinions that he strongly believed in. "But... For real, what can I do now? I can't just talk with him about it, I tried. But I am too weak for that." 

"Yet you were always so close, understood each other without words. Why do you think it is impossible now?" 

"And are you for real now? Come on, I really tried." Leo was looking at Hueso but his uncle didn't share it.

"No, Leo the thing I'm trying to do is to point out that you can talk with your twin just like you used to, but you both have to understand each other. And it was easier before but now when you both developed your problems you will have to try harder to understand. I am not telling you to excuse him, but I just ask you to cool down and try talking with him again." He had finally looked at Leo, stopping his steps. Leo did the same and now they were looking into each other's eyes.

Leo was the one to break it, lowering his head to look at his feet. That's when a sob escaped his mouth. Hueso was quick to comfort him, bringing Leo's body closer to his chest and petting his head lightly. Leo needed this cry. 

'Romeo and Juliet

are together in eternity 

40000 men and women everyday

we can be like they are

come on baby, don't fear the reaper'

Chapter Text

Drugs dulled his mind and senses, dancing through funky music to metal, to dance pop again including "Rhythm is a Dancer" he had in mind for a few days. It had been two days since Leo had found what he shouldn't had. And fuck anything that Leo had said, fuck anything that he had done. Or, maybe not at all... 

'You stopped by my house the night you escaped 

with tears in my eyes I begged you to stay

You said: Hey man, I love you but no fucking way'

He still wasn't sure about his feelings towards Leo's situation and shit, but he was pretty damn sure that the only feelings that did matter right now were his own. And he could swear to god he definitely felt good right now. Who would knew that it felt so good. The windows in his room were wide open, the cold wind hitting his bare shoulders with a new fresh tattoo still covered in a foil, his body felt so hot right now that if there wasn't any fresh air he would pray to god for it, to send him the wave of a freshness that he could pleasingly inhale with his white nose. He swayed while he walked towards the window to lean on it before laughing so hard. And he was like that for... Five minutes or so, but at this time it felt like an eternity. 

He spat out his saliva and laughed even harder before he started yelling from the deepest parts of his lungs.

"Fu...ckkk you, Mikeyy!!! Fuck, fuck you. dad!! And dad two!!!" He laughed again. "And you, you.. Rapha... Raphael.. Raphaello!!" He had almost screamed from laughing so hard, why was everything so funny? Could they hear him? Because they should, really! He is talking to them, why don't they listen? "And... For the final... Entertainment!! MAN that is a LOOOONG and HARD WORD!!!!!" He had almost fell out of the window. It was so funny. "FUCK YOU LEO!!! Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!!!!" He finished the last sentence with a long 'woohoo' because it just felt right. 

He had leaned his whole damn body weight on this window frame, cursing under his breath because he really didn't want this to end. Was it the end? Please Don't be the end, this sweet sweet pleasure, the feeling, Don't be the end. He had to take more, because if he didn't everything would turn back to reality again. And reality wasn't as pretty and funny as this. Was he thinking straight? Was considering the second, or third dose of the drug his clear thought or was it still dulled? No, please, don't panic. Everything but that. Was Donnie panicking? Over fucking drugs?

'I Don't wanna watch and then complain 

Cause I am through finding blame 

That is the decision that I have made'

However, something had turned him back to reality when he heard his phone notification. He closed the window and shivered. He considered if he should check it or not, it could probably be just some mail with an advertisement or so. He turned it on anyways. 

shut up Donnie you're too loud 

Oh. It was from Leo. Suddenly he was mad at Duolingo for not sending him a midnight mail with a threat. Probably the first time ever. He shouldn't be home right now, he really wanted to leave, he didn't want to be here. Everything here reminded him of things he didn't want to have.

Of people he shouldn't trust anymore. 

He didn't know when and why, but he found himself in the middle of the hall, with his dad's keys for his car and ready to leave the house. 

But he felt a hand grabbing his arm. Before he could turn away and look at it, the voice had spoke up.

"Is this a tattoo?" Who would have guessed, it was Leonardo. And Donnie had forgot to put his hoodie on again, but he didn't give a damn, they would all notice it anyways. Not a big deal. 

"Does it look like it to you?" Donnie had now turned to his younger twin and noticed Leo had never took his eyes away from the art on his arm, looking at it with adoration and... hurt?

Oh, now it made sense. It was a big deal. This stupid promise.

"It is nice but..." He didn't want to hear it right now, he felt bad for it already.

"I know Leo." 

"What about us?" Leo suddenly asked and it made Donnie lost in track. It felt even worse when Leo had said it himself.

"We will do our tattoos too, I promise." Fuck, another promise. 'promise no promises', Kendra's voice kept saying in his mind.

"Who have made it?" Leonardo had finally looked into Donnie's eyes and Tello blinked. Had he told Leo about Kendra?

"A friend." He had answered, not giving him any details.

"And where are you going now?" Leo furrowed his brows confused.

"To a friend." The word friend sounded almost like a question, Donnie was talking slow and careful.

"But you can't." 

"What? Why?" 

"Cause you're high." Leo made some kind of grabby hands, trying to grab the keys he had in hands. Donnie kept shoving him away but he was careful with his moves, trying not to hurt his twin. It was visible Leo hadn't had enough power nor energy to keep up with him.

"I am not." He answered almost like he was offended by that statement, but it was true. He was not high. Not anymore, sadly.

"I have heard you, Donnie, remember?" 

Oh. For fuck's sake, it was true. Leo had heard him dancing, had heard him talking to himself and...

He had heard him yelling to fuck off. 

But he didn't think like that for real, it was just for fun, it wasn't serious after all...

"It's... not anymore." He stopped doing any movements and Leo followed him, looking at him and turning his head to the side like a cat.

"But it stays in your body longer than it feels like." 

It made Donnie silent. How could Leo know? Had anyone said it to him?

"And how could you possibly know?" 

"I've... Made my research." Leo stroked his neck. It meant he was lying, Donnie knew that. He had to know what was behind it, but not now, not here.

"Can you leave me now?" Donnie had tighten the hold of the keys and just then Leo took a big step towards him to try and ram him with his body weight. It didn't work, Leo was too light and Donnie had shoved him off. Leo almost landed on the floor before fixing his balance and shoving the non-existent dust off of him.

"Give me those keys, Donnie, and go back to your room." He made a hand gesture towards Donnie in sign for him. Donnie chuckled and shook his head. This whole situation was abstract.

"You can't tell me what to do."

"Why not?"

Donnie must have not noticed that Leo was walking slowly towards him.

"Cause I am older?" He tried to prove his point by making a gesture of drawing a line with his hand from his head to his feet showing his domination.

"And I am more responsible." Leo was very, very close to him, and Donnie only noticed it when Leonardo made another try to grab the keys, almost throwing himself on Donatello.

"Good one! Good one."

Dee raised his hand with the keys in it and with a quick and neat movement grabbed Leo's arm and throw him on the floor. He felt bad about it, even scared when he heard the loud crack, not knowing If it was Leo's body or the floor. Nardo was already curling up with pain.

"Auch!" 

"Shush!" He had yelled at him and it almost looked like he was twisting the knife in the wound, like he was mad at Leo for being the victim of his own attack.

"What?" Leo had asked him madly, deeply angered by his twin's behavior. He tried to stand up but he couldn't have made it and it made Donnie so, so mad about himself. He shouldn't have treat him like that. He didn't do anything wrong at last. So he gave him a hand to hold which Leo had a problem to decide and grab before he actually did it. "Now what the fuck Donnie? Why are you doing this to me?" 

Now the dice have been thrown, the damage was done. Leo had stood up. Something Donnie was afraid he would do.

Because - He felt bad. 

He felt so bad for everything that had happened between them. He felt bad because he knew, and now that Leo had finally spoke up he just realised it more.

And Leo was standing there, naked from his strenght like a newborn baby, no idea in mind what was happening, with not a hand to hold. 

And Donnie? He felt like he had no control over it. Over his own moves, his choices. He knew it wasn't because of the drugs, or he wanted to believe that, but he just... Couldn't act differently. 

He missed those days when they were both free, when Leo was free. They didn't give a damn in the world about any problems that could ever happen to them.

Or even those days when things were bad, but not as bad. When Leo had ate the last cereals with him, when he could just curl up in his blanket and think what to do to help his beloved Nardo, when he texted Hueso. 

And when he went to this fucking bar everything became worse. 

'there's no big surprise 

you turned out this way

when they closed their eyes

and prayed you would change'

He was glad he had Kendra so things weren't as bad as they could be.

And now, seeing Leo like that, seeing him hurt not because of the situation but because of him and him only.

He really didn't want to. But it was like he couldn't control the emotions, they were controlling him.

"I don't understand a damn thing! It's like you turned into a monster who's only reason to live is to make me feel even worse about myself." 

And Leonardo was crying. A part of him, an angel on his right shoulder was convincing him to step closer and wipe those tears off, to hug him and to apologize.

But there was also this one devil, a demon who was growing the seed of anger inside him so it could become a giant plant of hate. 

Not really sure which side had won. He couldn't even understand it himself.

"And it's not always about you Leo, I have my problems too."

"Yes, we all know that, it's me." 

"See? Told you. You always think the world is spinning around you!" Donnie had yelled, not noticing that they were still in their house, in the hall and that everyone could hear them. It seems like Leonardo didn't care, too.

"But you were different, something had gotten to you, you are an entirely different person!" Leo had rised his hands above his head and his voice became louder now. The tension was so heavy they could cut it with a knife. "And it seems like I am the reason!" 

"Maybe?" Donnie yelled back at him, rising his hands, too. "Becuase I have realised a thing no one had yet!?" Leo raised a brow at him with an angry face, gesturing him to continue. 

"And what you mean?" He had asked once he understood Tello wasn't going to finish the sentence without an instruction. There had been a long pause before Donnie took a sharp breath and answered him.

"No one is going to save you. Wake the fuck up!" 

Leo didn't have time to react. He didn't even have time for his tears to fall off his eye when they both heard a mad voice from somewhere behind them.

"Are you both insane or what?" 

Oh, oh. It was Splinter. 

And he wasn't alone. He had a back up, which included Mikey and Raph. Draxum was nowhere in sight. It seemed like they were here for a minute, cause they were all standing near them, highly nervous about it. 

"Dad, sorry, we didn't want to..." Leo tried to explain but was cut by Mikey.

"Why are you awake? And arguing in the hall? In the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?" Mikey had asked, starting with a calm voice that became more and more mad each word passed. 

"Are you going somewhere?" Raph was the last one to speak up, pointing at Donnie who was clearly ready to leave the house. 

"No, he is not, you are not and you are definitely grounded young men." Splinter had told them with his angry dad tone and Leo sighed. 

"Dad, we just..." Leo had started again, only to be stopped the second time.

"No. No. You-" He grabbed Leo's arm and pulled him away from Donnie. "Will not see each other from now on." 

"What?" Was the first thing Donnie had said. Or asked. He was just as confused as Leo. "How can that solve anything?" 

"You two are only making problems and I very much don't like it. Neither do my sleep schedule."

"Dad, I Don't think it's a good idea." Raph had told his old man once he left Leonardo's arm alone. 

"Don't tell me what is and what is not good for my children." Splinter's voice became harsh now as he sent Raphael a warning look. 

They all crossed a look with each other, Mikey carefully studied his father's behavior to find the right words to say. Leo was speechless, still thinking about the boundaries his father had put on him and Donnie. Raph and Splinter were still looking at each other with disagreement. 

"But... They are very close, you know that. It will be harmful for them both." Raphael tried to keep his tone dominant, staying the same or lower in pitch when finishing a sentence. 

"Now what are you, their lawyer?" Splinter at him unpleasantly which made Raphael scoff. "And they aren't as close anymore which means more problems."

"But problems have to be solved the right way!" Mikey had spoken and they both turned their heads to look at him. Leonardo was the only one who noticed that Donnie disappeared. He swallowed his saliva.

'this is for the snakes and the people they bite,

for the friends I've made

for the sleepless nights

for the warning signs I've completely ignored 

there's an amount to take 

reasons to take more'

The family kept arguing, Leo didn't even try to talk, he knew he had nothing to say. 

"Wait, where is he?" Raph was the first from the three to notice Donnie's absence, looking around to understand things around him. Now everyone was as confused as him, noticing that Donnie had ran away.

"Wha, was he high or something?" Mikey had asked sarcastically with an eye roll. He had crossed his arms and before anyone could think about it, Leo interrupted. 

"Hi... HIGH? Who is high? Donnie had never taken drugs, never ever! He probably doesn't even know how do they look like!" Leo had yelled, with a voice probably too trembling, hoping that no one would hear it. He might be mad at Donnie but he would never let him get punished. Not like that. He really tried to understand, it was hard, but he was pretty sure he will have to have another conversation with his twin brother.

This explanation might have worked for Mikey, but Raph and Splinter had raised a brow at him. Leo didn't notice that, he tried everything not to look at them, his eyes traveling from the floor to the wall worried about the consequences of his lies.

Splinter started walking around searching for something around him.

"HAD. HE. TOOK. MY. KEYS?" Their dad yelled sharply emphasizing each word. The three of brothers had jumped at the noise. 

"He had what?" Raph shoved Splinter away from the place he was standing on and looked at the shelf himself. Mikey was now looking around to try and find the key, but it changed nothing. Raph had took his phone and tried to call Donnie putting him on speaker, but he didn't answer. 

"Oh, he is so punished when he comes back." Splinter had told them while walking away back to his room. 

"Are we going to leave him like that?" Mikey had asked and Raph put a hand on his face while shaking it.

"We can't. He can get hurt. What if..." Raph was cut mid-sentence. 

"He is going to be fine, he is not stupid!" Leo had interrupted again. 

"But what if he really..." He tried again, but Leo was too nervous to hear the end of the sentence. 

"I'll get him back, just forget about it!" 

"Leo!" Raph's voice was filled with anger and anxiety. That made the slider shut his mouth. "Do you know something we don't?" 

"Yeah, Leo, do you know something?" Mikey had asked raising a brow at him. Leo just shook his head in disagreement. 

"And do you think... Theoretically, that he could be high?" Raph had asked, and Mikey shrugged. 

"Can check." Mikey was the one to suggest.

"Really, there is no need to." Leo tried to keep his voice calm and trustworthy.

"Leo." Raph had spoken to Leo, with a voice calm and light. Just like anytime he wanted to ease one's nerves away. "I know this is hard. And you probably don't want to know if there is something bad going on with Donnie. I understand." He had put his hands on Leo's shoulders and Leonardo shivered. Oh no, this is going to a bad place. "But we have to know, trying to avoid the truth won't make it disappear." He had smiled at Leo lightly. Nardo turned his eyes away from him.

"But..." He hesitated for a while, not sure how to fight this situation. "What are you... going to do?" 

"We can check his room." Mikey had answered and Raph nodded. "If you don't want to be a part of it, we don't have to include you." Mikey had smiled at him and that made Leo's heart ache. Hiding the truth never felt so painful.

"So you won't see it yourself." Raph had finished for him.

"If there really is something." Mikey pointed and they both nodded their heads. Leo's eyes were traveling between Raphael and Michelangelo. He really had to text Donnie, to let him know what was going on. Now he could rub "I said so" into Donnie's face, knowing it would all be better if he was the one to take his drugs away so no one would find it. But he wasn't that much of an asshole, he didn't want to prove his point while this whole situation was happening. 

"We don't want to overwhelm you." They said as they left Leo in the corridor, stepping inside Donnie's room. Leo was quick to grab his phone and search for Donnie's number. 

To his surprise, Donnie had answered him. 

"Can you all fucking leave me? I'm fine, disconnecting right now."

"Donnie, stop, it's important!" He had answered immediately, lowering his voice to the maximum. "They might know!"

"What? Now what do you mean?" Donnie yelled and it was so loud that Leo had to run somewhere no one would hear him. Into the bathroom he goes.

"I tried to cover you, think of something, but they went into your room" 

"Why?"

"They noticed you act out of character and..."

"And couldn't you fucking hide the truth?"

"I tried Dee!" His voice was louder now and he realised it soon enough to lower it again. "But they thought I was just worried about you, didn't take me serious!" 

"Like every time. You really are worthless." That made Leo's heart ache. He stayed quiet for a while before answering. 

"Can you at least be proud of me, like, fuck, at least I'm fucking trying, Donnie!" His voice was somewhere on the border of anger and mental breakdown. That must have made Donnie think, because he was silent for a while.

"Sorry. You're right." He had said blantly, tone empty. Leo blinked once, then twice.

"What should I do Donnie?" Nardo asked his twin lightly, feeling more hopeful each second. "I do want to help you." 

"I Don't need it." Donnie answered and Leo heard a noise like if he had shut the vehicle off, probably meaning he had came to the place of his destination safely. "They Won't find anything." 

"But... Is there anything?" 

"I Don't know. Tried to find it myself and didn't, so they probably won't, too." Donnie chuckled lightly, not a hint of nerves in his voice which meant it probably was amusing to him, but Leo was even more worried. It meant Donnie never took the situation seriously. "Thanks Leo, I guess, but you can go to sleep well now. We're fine." Before Leo could answer him Donnie had ended the call. The slider just sighed and waited few minutes before going back to his room. 

'When the flood water comes, it ain't gonna be clear

it's gonna look like mud

but I will help you swim

I will help you swim 

I'm gonna help you swim.'

Donnie didn't think twice before deciding to drive to Kendra's place. When he was here, he suddenly remembered the important details.

Was she home? Was she alone? Did she want to see him? 

you home?

she hadn't answer him and he started to think that she would be asleep. Why didn't he think of that? However, after a minute or two, she texted him back.

clean and awake

why?

are you alone?

Jeremy and Jason are with me

want to call or smth? 

Jeremy and Jas? Weren't they in a conflict? Huh. 

No, uh, it's something else

go on

I may or may not be in front of your house

...

You're fucked up Don 

wait I'll be here

And here she was, opening the door for him with one brow raised. She was wearing loose white t-shirt with baggy sweatpants, her hair was put in a messy bun or a ponytail, Donnie never knew how to tell the difference. 

"What are you doing here?"

"It's kind of a long story." Kendra shook her head in disbelief and let him inside when he continued.

"I was high, then I had an argue with Leo, then..."

"Wait, wait, were you high near him?" She opened her eyes wide trying not to sound too worried.

"No, no, it was after that. But everyone woke up. We were too loud." 

"So you ended up here? Doesn't make sense to me, no, no." She asked and mumbled the second sentence in a higher pitched tone. 

"And now Leo called me" He continued and raised his phone pointing to the screen that was still turned off. Kendra tilted her head to the side. "Saying that they may want to look through my things." 

"Oh." Kendra stuttered, head empty. "Do you think he is able to..." 

"Oh, oh. It's a different story actually." Kendra rolled her eyes in disbelief. 

Donnie had explained to her what happened when he found Leo in his room. Then, he told her about things that happened today. 

"So... Leo..Nardo found you stash." Donnie nodded. "And when he found it, he gave it back."

"Pretty much."

"But he was mad at you." 

"Mhm!" 

"But when the family turned on you, he was the one to stay by your side." 

"I... guess so?" How did Donnie not consider that? 

"Damn, I wish my friends were like that." Kendra answered chuckling lightly. "I think it's nice. I mean, it's sad, too. But it means he doesn't want you to be mistakenly villainized." 

"I... guess?" 

"But being caught like that, really? Man. We need to work on that." She stabbed him with her elbow and pulled him by the arm on the stairs.

With that, she went with him upstairs. It was the right time to finally meet Jason and Jeremy.

'there are lessons to be learned 

consequences for all the stupid things I say.'

Chapter Text

Leo told Hueso everything. He didn't plan to, but when he left Donnie's room that one night he had thought about some bad things.

Those things contained the thought of ending it all, with no reason and will to stay alive anymore. 

That's why he texted Hueso at first. Just to make sure that someone was there for him. However, when he wasn't answering him at first Leo thought that it was a sign from above to do some harm to himself, but he quickly shoved it off thinking that it was just his dumb head manipulating him into thinking that way.

'hi, how'd you get inside?

why'd you cross my mind?

right now of all times.'

Because Hueso was asleep, Leo knew that, he was a busy man with a busy life, he needed that sleep. When his uncle had finally answered him he felt such a relief. 

And when he called him? At first, he didn't want to answer. He was nervous. But when Hueso mentioned Donnie... He knew what was the reason behind it all. Hueso didn't. So he had to talk with him anyways.

And it all started with a pep-talk from Hueso when Leo told him about his... Suicide? Unaliving himself thoughts? Or just a moment of little depression? However. Hueso had listened. Leonardo didn't give him any details about Donnie.

Not until they met, at least. And Leo didn't plan it. 

"So, how's Donnie? Had he gotten into that E-learning course he wanted to try?" Hueso had asked and Leo blinked. He had forgotten about it completely.

Yes, Donatello wanted to try and study online. It was something he was rambling about the whole year, he had said it back in January that this year will be his year, that he will sign up for something school-like but online, he was preparing for that, had all the things necessary, their parents had agreed. He knew all the rules and laws by heart, was talking about it with Leo the whole time and though Leo had no idea what was he talking about he was glad to listen.

But when summertime came, the time for all the interested to sign up, Donnie stopped with the topic. And it weirdly, conspiringly overlapped with the time when Leo showed the first signs that something was wrong with him.

Adding to that, Donnie was the first to notice, before anyone else, before even Leo himself.

Oh. He was the reason why Donnie's life had took the worst turn possible.

"Actually, no." Leo had answered weakly and Hueso rised a brow.

"Why? I thought it was his priority, he couldn't stop talking about it!" 

"Because of me." Leo had told him sharply, but his voice was trembling. "I was the reason." 

Leo's statement must have hit Hueso, since he furrowed his brows and put a hand on Leon's shoulder before squeezing it lightly. 

"No, you were not." Hueso tried to think of something more, but Leo was quick to interrupt him.

"He had fell into drugs." And oh, if Hueso was drinking anything right now he would choke on it, spit it out and then choke on his saliva. Leonardo must have noticed his uncle's shocked reaction. "Shh! Don't tell anyone, no one knows except for me." 

"How.... How do you know that?" Hueso wanted to believe that it wasn't true, that it was just one of Leo's suspicions. 

"I found weed in his room. And when I tried to talk with him about it, he left me with no doubt." 

Leo had explained everything to Hueso. And Hueso, as a man who had never taken drugs himself surprisingly knew a lot about the topic. He never told Leo why, tho. So he was just walking with his nephew, trying to be as supportive as he could and giving him advices.

The only thing Leo asked for was to not tell anyone. And Hueso knew why, although he really insisted on telling anybody. However, he decided not to turn Leon down. But he asked him to promise him calling if anything happens. 

It was hard for Hueso. Donnie was his nephew, he loved him. He was an important part of his life. Hearing that now he was in trouble, that he fell for something so dangerous... It made his heart tremble with anxiety. He wanted to give everything he could for those two, to ease their pain away, to help them with everything. But he was powerless. 

He knew he should tell Draxum or Splinter. It was a responsible thing to do. However, Leo really didn't want it to happen. Of course, some time after that if everything would go right he would understand that it was the only option but Leo's mind... Well, it wasn't in a good state now. Hueso didn't want to be a part of his problem. And Nardo was smart, he would find out if Hueso had broken the promise. 

So he decided to be quiet about it. At least for as long as he could. He knew somebody had to know at last. 

When they were finished, the uncle insisted on walking Leo back home. He had asked him if his parents were there, and when Leo nodded he decided he will go for a quick visit to maybe drink coffee and chat with his family. Leo had nothing against it. He was happy that he could see his uncle longer.

Technically, Hueso was actually Draxum's uncle. However, between them there was a difference of five years only, so they grew up together, and treated each others like brothers. When they got older and Draxum met Yoshi they stopped seeing each other so often, actually they hardly ever spoke to each other. However, when the children appeared in their lifes Draxum felt obliged to tell Hueso about it. The skeleton man was ecstatic, when he saw them the first time he felt close to crying. 

The turtles didn't even know Hueso wasn't their dad's real brother. They realised it once they were older, Mikey was 9, Donnie and Leo were 10 and Raph was 11. It had to be soon after Junior was born. Splinter was a little drunk, had drank a few beers already and they were all sitting outside together on the warm summer evening. It was that time of the day (or night) when their dads were sharing their life stories, from how Splinter and Draxum have met, to how annoying Leo was when little, how scared they were of Donnie when he was mad, how Raph would spend hours teaching his younger brothers different things and how Mikey could sometimes bring home some pets from the street hoping that no one could notice. However, when they did, they always tried to find the owner or someone who would take them.

The children always liked hearing it. Well, besides that they didn't want to hear some sappy stories about their dads' romance, they always laughed at the stories from their childhood. 

When the kids were little, they played a game of pretending a family, as if they weren't one already. Boys had their family roles chosen, Mikey liked to be a pet, most often cat. Probably because he still didn't know how to speak very well back then. He knew some words, could make easy sentences but it was all. Leonardo and Donnie liked pretending to be the teenage sons that were full on rebellion. It was Donnie who got the idea, Leo just liked the chaos. And Raph? Oh, Raph was always the mom. Not the dad, no, the only dad thing they knew was that they always drank beer and smoked, and Raph didn't want that, so he was a mom. Dad went out to buy milk and never came back, Leo and Donnie ate their cereals with water. 

Raph was laughing because he remembered it. It wasn't that long ago.

When Leonardo was six, he went shopping with Draxum to the supermarket. He had went away from his dad, trying to find some candies that Donnie had asked him to buy. Soon enough he realised he couldn't find his dad, and he started to panic. Just then, he noticed a dark-red haired person, tall and big (or it just seemed like it for him, he was smol) and he ran after the person, one hundred percent sure that it was his dad. But the security had stopped him when he left the store with a chocolate bar in his hand, still not paid for, and then he realised - the person wasn't his dad, it was a random lady. Luckily, Draxum had spotted him and talked to the security man, trying to explain everything. Draxum had admitted he had never seen Leo so confused and scared. 

Both Leo and Draxum chuckled at the memory.

When Donnie found Pokemon Go, he was walking through the whole supermarket trying to find Pokemons. He was so in trance he didn't care that he was ramming into people and pushing them around. It ended when he found himself behind the cashier's counter. Actually, he wasn't the one to find it out. It was the cashier that had saw him and tried to drive him out of here, little Donnie was so focused on the game the lady had to repeat 'Please, you can't be here young man' a few times. Donnie only realised it when she had mentioned calling the security.

Donnie cringed at the memory.

They also mentioned how Mikey took so long to finally learn how to speak. However, when he was the youngest of the siblings he had three older figures to look up to. Once, Donnie and Leo were playing with each other, and small, little Donnie (who actually knew more swear words than some adults) was mad at Leo for taking his toys, and he told him to 'Facc aff'. Mikey had heard it, eventually and remembered the word. One day when Draxum and Splinter took little Michelangelo for a walk, some adult lady had stopped near the pushchair and looked at baby Mikey, saying lines along 'what a sweet baby!' 'so much sweetness!' Then, she had asked the baby 'how old are you, pretty boy?' And Michelangelo spat out his baby pacifier and answered 'facc off!' giggling happily. The lady had disappeared faster than the speed of light.

When Mikey heard about it he punched Donnie and laughed at him that he was the one to blame. 

"Do you know, that this little guy" Splinter had showed them a photo of a new born baby in Hueso's arms. The kids were so excited to finally see them in real life. "Is your uncle?" 

"What?" Little Mikey had made a face in confusion. "He is like... A week old!" 

"Dad? Isn't he..." Leo had started, pulling Draxum's sleeve to get his attention. "Our cuisine?" 

"Cousin, Leo." Donnie had corrected him, eye rolling. 

"He is not." Splinter had laughed at them. 

"How come?" Raph had asked. The puberty started to hit him, his voice was changing which made him sometimes sound like a mutated squirel.

"Because, my sons, Hueso is actually yours dad's uncle." Splinter had explained and that made the turtles blink in confusion.

"No, he is our uncle!" Leo had argued, Donnie nodded his head. Draxum chuckled. 

"He is my grandparents' youngest son. There is a difference of five years between me and uncle Hueso. We grew up together like siblings, but technically we aren't ones." Draxum had explained which made their children even more confused, the family tree too complicated. If Hueso was their dad's uncle, and he had a son, then his son was their uncle? But Junior was a newborn baby, was it even legal? 

Leo had bursted in laugh and Mikey followed him, tho he didn't know what were they laughing at. He just thought that if Leonardo was laughing it had to be funny, maybe it was all a joke he didn't catch. 

"You are joking!" Leo had screamed and raised his arms in a rapid move, and Mikey giggled loud. 

"I think he is not!" Donnie had said, and they all looked at him, instantly stopping the laughter. "It makes sense, however when Junior is so young and you were as close as brothers" He had continued turning to Draxum as if he was speaking directly to him, "Then could we still take Hueso as an uncle and the little one as a cousin?" He had... Stated? Asked? Draxum, and he laughed it off lightly waving his hand at him. "It's just weird to me the other way around." 

"I don't see the reason why not, it would be even better for them, too. I reckon." Draxum answered and Splinter had nodded. 

"Besides I just told you that as a fun fact, I didn't mean it to be a life-changing information." Splinter was the one to finish. The turtles discussed that for a while, still curious about the situation.

Leo might or might not have to ask Donnie for another explanation as he didn't quite catch everything. Mikey didn't understand what they meant so he asked Raph if that meant he had to call Junior their uncle, and Raph assured him it was not necessary. 

Leo was the first to step inside, and as he opened the door Draxum was already standing in front of him.

"Where were you Leo? I was looking for you." his dad asked him lightly with a hint of worry in his voice. Draxum had heard some steps behind Leonardo, he could not really see who was it yet so he just asked Nardo if he had a guest.

"We all have, actually!" He answered with a smirk when Hueso stood next to him, smiling at the older. "I have met with Hueso, I'm sorry for worrying you." 

Draxum was surprised but he didn't have anything against it. If he had to be honest, he was happy that his son and Hueso got along together. He smiled at their visitor and let them in.

"Nice to see you!" Draxum smiled politely and tilted his head down a little. "Let me tell the others that we have a guest, I am sure they will be glad." With that, Draxum went away and both Leo and Hueso could hear happy screams from Mikey's room. Of course, the youngest one was so glad. Before he could ram into their guest Leo insisted on taking Hueso's coat to hang it on the standing hanger which Hueso accepted and thanked politely. 

The family had good time together. Raph and Mikey had shared how they were holding on, even Draxum with Splinter opened up and started gossiping with Hueso. Leo had waited for Donnie to come there, too, but he never did. And Leo might have texted him a few times, but with no response. He knew why, tho.

'hey, you know I Won't let you stay

you need to get away 

go away'

"Listen, mate. I've made my research, I have asked a few friends of mine for help, too. Leo is not in a good state." Hueso had whispered to Draxum once brothers all went back to their rooms. Draxum excused himself telling them that he is going to walk Hueso back to where he had his car parked. No one had anything against it. 

"I know. I was observing him for quite a long time." Draxum had answered and Hueso furrowed his brows.

"And have you talked with him?" He asked and Draxum scratched his neck turning his eyes away from his (hypothetical) brother. "So, no." Hueso pointed. "You know, I have promised the kids not to tell on them, but they have called me for help some time ago." 

That made Draxum think. The point that the first person they decided to ask for help was their uncle and not dad made him feel bad.

"I... Didn't know what could I do." Draxum had answered. "Running away from it seems like a coward movement, but I didn't think it was a problem at first." He had stated and hesitated to finish the sentence at first. "But now it seems like it would be bad of me to talk about it after that much time." 

"It's never too late. Unless it will actually be too late." Hueso had answered looking at Draxum concerned, emphasizing the last words. Draxum had shut his eyes hard and nodded. 

"But what can I do?" 

Hueso had smiled lightly and gave him a note. There was a phone number on it. 

"I've got this from a friend. It's a number to a therapist." Draxum grabbed the paper tight and focused on it. He wasn't so sure about it. 

Still, he decided to give it a go.

'I don't want to hurt you

But I'll have to

If you don't leave me alone

Me alone'

"A breakfast, Leo." Draxum had said louder now, with a voice on the edge of mad. "Breakfast should be a real meal, not..." He pointed at the sandwich, though no one with their right mind would call it that. "whatever this is." 

Draxum had insisted on taking Leo somewhere. He said it was a surprise, and Leo loved surprised if those were the good ones. However, nothing good had happened to him past those weeks so he didn't have high hopes for that. However, Draxum said he won't let Leo out if he didn't eat first. And it made him get lost on the track, Draxum was the only one that still hadn't talked with him about... Anything that it was ever before. Leo wanted to get away from this, so he went to the kitchen, grabbed a piece of bread and cut it in half grabbing only the smaller piece and leaving the other one on the counter. With no butter nor anything on it he put two very thin slices of cucumber, cut so small that if someone really tried he would see things through it. However, he did tear the edges of it so it looked like if he was already eating the 'sandwich', hoping that dad would not notice. But he did once Leo came back to him, nibbling the bread with his snout pretending to eat.

"But I am not hungry." Leo said in a higher-pitched voice, almost like a child, a moody, spoiled child. 

"Go and make yourself something normal to eat." Draxum had said strictly and Leo pouted.

'I know that you'd rather I do 

something else but it's not 

for you to decide'

Leonardo went to the kitchen only to find Mikey and Raph already being here. 

"Oh, Leo!" Raph had almost yelled when he noticed his brother. "We hadn't had the chance to talk after... You know." 

"Donnie's thing." Mikey had finished for him, making Leon shiver. That's it, the moment of truth. However, if the truth was brutal everyone would already be loud about it. 

Donnie wasn't home still, he had left at... Who knew? Four am today? And it was already eleven in the morning. Leo started getting worried. He was deep in thoughts and brothers must've noticed it, since soon enough Mikey was waving a hand in front of his face. 

"Don't... You don't have anything to worry about." Raph had told him with a voice filled with care and symphaty.

"Exactly. Nothing weird to be found, not even a lighter. Clean as water." Mikey had said with a big smile. Both Michelangelo and Raphael looked like all of their problems were gone, like the ship of terror had turned its back and sailed away. If only they knew.

Leo gave them a small, shy smile and closed his eyes, trying his best not to look suspicious or worried. "Thank God." He mumbled and Mikey embraced him. 

"I guess our speculations were false." Raph had told them with a great smile, the one that could make the sun jealous. 

"I've made breakfast! I know it is a hard topic, Leo..." Oh no, Mikey had started and all the bones in Leon's body made a jump in terror. "But we would appreciate it if you ate with us." 

"Oh, there really is no need to." 

"Have you made yourself breakfast, Leo?" They all heard Draxum's voice coming from the end of the kitchen he just entered. Leo gritted his teeth and turned his face away. Mikey had put a hand on his shoulder.

"I've made him breakfast, dad!" Mikey had said quickly, looking at Nardo with knowing eyes, reassuring their dad. Leon smiled very very lightly, but a worry still much painted on his face. Leo knew his younger brother have made it to ease the tension and to not anger their dad. He may not know what was going on right now, but he could read it like an open book that someone had to react so Leo wouldn't get in trouble. 

Once their dad left the room Mikey turned to face his brother and that made Leo look away. 

"Leon, don't be mad at me, but try to eat just a little, okay?" 

"You can feel safe with us. We are here for you." Raph had added and Leo really hoped no one would say anything more. Leo didn't want that. He wanted peace. So, he just nodded. 

Leonardo didn't see that but both Mikey and Raph's faces were now brighter as if they had their second win the same day. They didn't know yet how naive it was of them to make such bold assumptions.

And they both watched him carefully trying not to be so obvious about it while Leo tried to do a quick math in his head, adding 80 to 70, subtracting about 50 if he left this or that, or take only a small bite on this or whatsis. Leo didn't eat much. He barely ate anything at all, but his brothers were still proud of him.

It was soon after 12 when Draxum told him it's time to go and he got inside the car with him. They were quiet the whole time, his dad wanted to try and talk with him about something, anything really, even if it had no meaning behind it. However, he couldn't find the courage to. After what seemed like an hour they were already in the place of the destination, Leo tried to find any hints where were they, only to notice a small travel banner on the building. It made his heart do a backflip, maybe Draxum really thought about his dream of traveling somewhere and decided to give it a go? 

However, all the hopes were brutally murdered once they left the floor where the trip advisor office where, instead walking to the fifth floor that was full of doors all leading to rooms that Leo did not know what were supposed to be on the inside. They stopped by the room 512, and Draxum was watching Leo carefully. 

"Where are we?" He had asked his father with worry as heavy as the tension around them. Draxum didn't answer at first, he mumbled something to himself and that made Leo step closer, thinking that it was supposed to be directed to him at first. However, after another minute he finally spoke.

"You will see." Very helpful.

Soon enough, a woman had opened the doors. She had to be somewhere in her twenties, she looked very young yet not as young to not take her seriously. Her face was wise and she had a polite smile on it. Maybe 28? Leon thought to himself.

The lady was dark skinned, her hair was black, shoulder-lenght. She was wearing a pink sweater with a denim skirt in the same color but darker shade. And she had a nice golden brooch pinned on her sweater, right where the heart was. 

"Sir Draxum? And you must be Leonardo?" She had asked them once she was out of the room and Draxum gave her a smile in response.

"How does she know my name" Leo had mumbled to himself in a steady tone, very very quietly.

Suddenly, he was in the room alone with the woman that was now sitting on a chair in front of him. Leon himself had sat on a small couch. He didn't tell her anything just yet, not even a 'Good Morning' or so. He had no fucking idea where was he, why was he and who was she.

"See? Your type of colors here! Green carries positive meanings as health and calmness. Can also improve creativity!" The woman had said with a nice smile. Leo rolled his eyes. He didn't want this conversation. He didn't want any conversation actually. What was he supposed to say? Should he be polite? Should he call the police?

"Green is not a creative color." Was the first thing Leo had said before looking around the whole room. 

"I, uhm.." Clear confusion was painted on the lady's face. "What can I say, green is my color, too." The woman had answered him and Leo didn't know what did she mean by that, but he couldn't care less.

There have been paintings and pictures all across the walls. What came to his attention was that there were a lot of fish paintings on the wall. Weird, but okay. 

"And it's fish everywhere."

The woman didn't know how to answer to that.

"Yeah... Ehm, maybe we should get to know each other better." The woman had started and Leo tensed. "Do you know why You're here?"

"I don't even know what 'here' is ma'am, an office? Am I going to do something here?" Leo asked and the lady chuckled.

"None of that. My name is Sunita" The woman... Sunita had said and leaned on the chair to give Leo a hand to shake which he squeezed, hesitantly. "And I am a therapist." 

"Oh, no way." Leo had rapidly threw his back on the couch, his head bounced against the headrest like a ping-pong ball. He hid his face behind his hands.

"I know it is hard to swallow," Leo wanted to laugh at the irony. "But since your dad didn't tell you anything I should inform you. He was the one to call me and had talked with me about your problem."

And Leo didn't know when or why, but there were tears falling from his eyes. 

"Listen Leonardo, you don't have to tell me anything about it now if you don't feel ready to." Sunita had reassured him and it made him look up at her. "But just so you know, sooner or later you will have to." 

Leo nodded and swallowed hard. Everything around him was suddenly so cloudy, he didn't know what was going on or what was happening. It was unfair, he didn't want to be here. He would even prefer to stay quiet as long as possible, even if it meant he could rot from the inside.

Suddenly, he felt like it was better to die than to speak.

The therapist was asking him questions, stopping after every other one waiting for an answer that never came. Leo wasn't able to talk. It was like someone had taped his mouth and took all the breath from his lungs, putting plugs into his nose. 

It took him around twenty minutes to finally speak on a topic he didn't find so intense.

"Do you have any friends? If yes, how are they like?"

"I... Don't think so? I know a lot of people but none of them were ever any closer to me to call them a 'friend'". He answered making a fingers-quote gesture. "If anything, I would say... My twin brother? But we're having some hard times now." Stupid. Why did he tell her that. Now she will surely ask for details. He decided to change the topicnas fast as possible, though the Woman had already wore a curious look on her face. "Oh, and my uncle! I know, sounds stupid... But we're really close. I always can count on him, and he was always there." He had said quickly to make the woman forget about the thing he had brought before. 

"Sounds great! How does that make you feel?" What? How can it make him feel? He never thought he was that bad in describing emotions... Or maybe it's just Sunita's question that was making no sense. 

"I... How does it suppose to make me feel? Fine, I guess?" 

"Yes, but do you feel safe sharing problems with him?" 

"Yes. Should I not?" Leo had asked, now weirdly worried. Being here made him feel stressed the way he never was before. 

"Oh, no, that's not my point! I just wanted to know." Woman had shook her head rapidly and Leo didn't know what was the meaning behind her words nor questions. He was just confused. "But you have told me something I suppose is important, about your brother? What hard times are we talking about?"

Oh, for fuck's sake. People were fighting and the angels were really crying now. And love isn't an answer anymore. 

"Nothing important, really. We are just arguing more now."

"And what is the reason?" 

I don't know but if you won't stop with those questions you will be my 13th reason.

"Nothing important." 

"Do you think that you... your situation might be the reason? I don't mean there is something wrong with you, with who or what you are like, but I think you know what I mean." 

"I mean, yeah? Probably? If we are arguing then I might be, am I right? It's not like we are arguing over which squirrel will be the first on the top of the tree." 

They would definitely fight over a squirrel.

"No, I meant your situation. Does it show up in your fights?" Of course Leo knew what she did mean at first. He just really wasn't in a mood to talk about it.

"No." Was a short and only answer Leo gave. Nothing to add, nothing to subtract. Even if it was not the truth.

"I see... Tell me, what are your relations with the others in your family?" 

"Uhh, my older brother, Raph. He is a good guy. Sometimes I can't believe what he is able to do. Everything! He had taught us many things, he is like... A sibling therapist." He had said with more enthusiasm than before and it was clear that Sunita wanted to see that. He scratched his neck. "Ermm... And Mikey, Michelangelo actually... He is great. I love him. My younger brother, he is the real sunshine. We can all always count on each other, actually. No exceptions here." 

"And mister Draxum?" 

"The... My dad is fine, I was always close with him. Well, not the closest I am with of all my relatives, you know? But we're fine." Leon had answered. He really wanted to leave. "See? a fine family, not a problem here, it's a waste of time for me and you being here, m'lady." 

"But there is someone you are hiding from your mind, and we both know that." The woman had said with a concerned look. "And I strongly believe you know why you are here, too."

"You will not make me get started on dear mother Anorexia." Leo had answered before ever thinking.

He had never named the problem. It was always "this" or "it". Or just "The feeling". Never was it "She" nor "Her". Was it even up and about to give... this thing personification?

Some said it is the first step to get better to aknowledge the issue you might have.

But it felt different.

If she was his identity,

he never wanted to lose it.

If she was stealing it, he wanted to give it away.

...Wait, not again. It's not a "she". It was... Who knew? Just something, anything really. Or even nothing at all. 

And that was the problem. Leo didn't know if he was alright or not, but he didn't want to get 'better', how the society would call that. The feeling was fine. Or was it not? It wasn't always about what was good and what did feel fine, it was about the consequences, about the fear.

Because he had feared getting better. He never have had problems with his look before, but now? When he looked back into his older self, he felt not okay with this. Like it was not what he should have looked like, what he should have been like. Like if now his only goal in life was to please everyone, either with his appearance and acts. It was just better now when he wasn't such a pain in the ass who was always trying to be everywhere, sometimes making it seem annoying. Now he was just distanced.

It didn't even make sense in his head when he tried to think about it. How could a stranger understand it?

The system so complicated, the rules so strict and the theory of it all so chaotic. It felt almost ecstatic, an overwhelming happiness involving an experience of mystic self-transcendence.

So excited to be a part of something that social's acceptance of should not exist.

So scared to be the only person in a maze of death that can guide you to halls with floor full of holes not possible to bypass, with not a single coin to win at the end. 

Terrified to play the game nobody wins.

"Not yet. But be sure I will. I have to, that's why I am here..." The woman had stopped to take a look at her notebook. "Leonardo."

Leo had rolled his eyes. Of course, because the only person that could listen to him rambling about his problems would be person who got money from that.

"What even am I supposed to say? You know, I don't know what to talk about. Who else? Should I say about my relations with my own self or what?" He was deeply confused. His eyes were traveling from the damn fishes on the wall, to the ceiling, to fishes again.

"Sure Leonardo, you can do that too. But what about your other dad?" The woman had asked and Leon blinked. She knew. "I know it might be a surprise for you. But your dad Draxum had told me some things before, because he had to."

"Yeah. If he had said some things then can this... Whole, I don't know, meeting? Can we end now, please?" He said with an ignorant tone, playing with his fingers.

"No, dear, he told me you have two dads. Not how they are like." Leo rolled his eyes at her. Ooof courseee...ey. 

But what did happen was that Leo's mask had fallen.

He didn't know why. He had no idea. A rough topic? Why? Of course, maybe Splinter was far from perfect. But he never thought of him as a reason of any troubles in him. 

Sure, Splinter might have said a few rough things back to him when he was younger, about how he was the worst of his siblings, sometimes he would even criticise his look. Until when he remembered the memory from the back of his head, something he had tried to forget for a long time period now. 

How Splinter had problems with alcohol.

And it wasn't that he was an alcoholic, not really. He didn't drink all the time, mostly it was just a couple of beers a day. But whenever he had drank more, some things could happen. Because Splinter had no boundaries when it came to talking shit after alcohol, mostly those were stupid things that should never leave one's mouth.

Or his behavior. Sometimes he would turn agressive. He really didn't want to think about that.

A memory of him rambling about how he looked better than Leo when he was his age had appeared in front of his eyes like a flashback of the Vietnamese war. 

He wanted to be like his dad in his young ages sometimes. To be the picture-perfect model that people simped over for. 

And he had the confidence, he had a nice body, most of the times he would even say he was in love with himself to the point when it was almost unbearable. But sometimes, just sometimes he wanted to know if he could be any better. 

He didn't like his habits. He wanted to be healthier, and that's how he started. No more junk food, a healthy bowl, a good nutrition and hydration.

But soon after that it all became harder and harder not to become obsessed with. And the only way to progress was not to add, but the other way around.

And to know that it's you who got the keys? Euphoria. Until once the car had locked with the keys inside, and you have left all the necessary things in it with no way to got them back. And the car started to slowly, very slowly shift back from the long slope with the intention to fall and crush, and you had no shoes on to run after it, since there were sharp, blood-thirsty stones on the ground, waiting for your feet to step on them. 

The keys were the control. The car was your life. Once you had the control it was all fine. Until the control got over you and your life, taking it away from you slowly with everything you had, your friends, your family, even your own character traits. And if you wanted to catch on with that, to try and help yourself, the stones that were your thoughts were making it impossible.

'the power in my violence 

makes me go insane

the power in my veins, in my head

wouldn't let you be the same'

He didn't want to talk about his father. 

He was still his father, he loved him.

He had hurt him so much.

"He is okay. But I am not close with him." He had finally said. And it was all he wanted to say. The only thing he was able to say, actually.

Sunita was watching him carefully, trying to understand the feelings he was hiding deep inside of him. However, their meeting was about to end by now and she knew that making Leo talk more when in this state would make him only more irritated and exhausted. And they had all the time in the world, it would not the last time they would met. She had told him so, telling him that there is still really much to work on. Leo had just nodded, happy that it's over, scared that he will have to do it again soon. 

Sunita had told him that she will not talk about anyone about what he had just said, not even with his father. That made him feel a bit better. Maybe therapy wasn't that bad as he thought it could be?

However, he still wasn't ready to talk about all the things that he should talk about. All those things were still so new to him.

When he had finally left the room Draxum was here, waiting for him. He noticed the worried but hopeful look on his face. They both had thanked the lady and scheduled the next appointment. The same time, thursday next week. 

"So, how it was?" Draxum had asked and waited for Leo to tell him anything.

"Dad?" Leo had asked instead of answering. Draxum looked down at him, Leonardo's eyes focused on the elevator in front of them. 

"Yes, Leo?" Draxum spoke after a minute of silence, preparing himself for the question he was about to hear.

"Why haven't you talk with me yourself?" 

And that was the question his dad was afraid to hear. Because... He didn't know. He felt so stupid, ignorant. There were ways how to avoid this, how to fix everything before it had started. And he did none. 

Hell, not even his other kids told him about the thing they noticed. And they all knew. It was like everyone was well aware, but not him.

"I'm sorry Leo." And that was it. Feeling stupid again, but Leonardo was shocked.

An apologize? Actually dirrected to him? As in- he wasn't the one to blame? 

Oh, oh, it really was too new for him.

'hi, oh it's been a while

I Don't have much time 

So

I just came to let you know 

I wish you didn't have to let me go'

Chapter Text

Kendra went with Donnie upstairs to the kitchen. She didn't want him to interact with Jason and Jeremy just now, Jason was already blasted. Who knew how would he react. So instead, she decided she will talk with him a little while drinking tea or something, and then maybe they can go to her room to finally meet with the boys.

She leaned on the counter and took a box of cigarettes from the shelf, picked one and put it in her mouth. Before she grabbed the lighter, she threw the pack to Donnie who was standing on the opposite of her, leaning on the window. He also took one. However, he hesitated a little, which felt weird. He was almost sure Kendra sent him a look. However, he realised he had never smoked a cigarette before. Weed? Yes. Cigarettes? Nope. Was it much different, or not at all? He remembered when his past self once promised his future one that he will never try cigarettes; because his father used to, and he always hated the smell. It always reminded him of something that was hard to describe.

Like a winter afternoon, when the sky is already dark even if it isn't that late yet. Like the snow that is white and clear, but when you touch it - you feel your hands and feet getting hurt by the cold. They aren't as beautiful as they seem; they are sinful. The smoke irritates the mind, if pain had a smell it would be cigarette's smoke. He remembered the quote saying that shooting stars were just cigarettes thrown away by angels before God could catch them smoking. If someone really thought that the existence is so hard that even angels have to cope, it must have meant something. Some said it's a quick escape from the reality. But, that is something you can tell about every addiction. If reality is so easy to escape from, why even bother being clean?

Every smoker has a story. Before you tell them that smoking kills, you need to know that something is already killing them. 

'All the children from our flats; from shadows of the embralled days

full of good dreams and ambitions

have built themselves a new place'

Still, he didn't want to think about it just now, he still felt a little weird inside, so he tried very hard not to overthink it. He just put it in his mouth and lightened it. 

And, to his surprise, it tasted so different. The smell wasn't nice, but it didn't smell like a skunk. He felt weirdly nostalgic. The night was almost ending yet the sun didn't want to come out yet, Donnie felt the feeling he could swear he knew and remembered but couldn't relate it to any of his memories. His body felt weird, tense but relaxed, head was dizzy but also very focused. He found it hard not to cough after one puff, but he kept it in himself, trying to recognize his mistakes in the first try and adjusting to the burn in his throat. This part didn't feel much different from CBD, except the fact that it felt worse in his mouth but better in his lungs. 

"So? How is Leo?" Kendra asked and grabbed a cup from the shelf with the other hand. It was purple, what caught Donnie's attention was that there was a text 'Milf Hunter' printed on it. Donatello chuckled. "You know, after that argue." 

"I don't know, I tried to not be too harsh." 

"But you were." She said and gave him a weird look. 

"But it's too hard sometimes. I know I'm an asshole but I can't do shit about it." 

Kendra put a tea bag in the cup and filled half of it with boiled water. The girl waited for the water to change the color and filled the rest with cold water so it was ready to drink. She grabbed it and walked toward Donnie to stand next to him.

"Yet when we first met you were different about it."

"Yeah, maybe his Anorexia got Anorexia."

Donnie sighed and took the cup from Kendra's hands. He already finished his cigarette before her.

"So, it has a name now?" Kendra asked when Donnie took a sip. Before he could answer they both heard voices from the other room walking towards them. Then, Donatello noticed two boys walking to the kitchen. 

"Kendra? Who is this?" The bigger one, Jeremy asked. Donnie noticed Jason making a face at him.

"Is this that guy from the bar?" He asked after turning to Kendra. Donnie's face stayed rather unamused. The girl rolled her eyes and threw the cigarette out the window.

"Jason, Jeremy, this is Donnie."

"Donnie, huh? Nice to meet yo-" Jeremy started and wanted to give a hand to Donatello, but he was cut by Jason who shoved his hand away.

"Kendra? How come you never told us that you know him? Who is this guy, anyway?" 

Donatello and Kendra shared a look. The girl rolled her eyes and Donnie shrugged.

"He's my friend. I don't need to tell you guys everything." 

"Friend." Jason said in a bored tone, looking at Donnie from head to toes. "Why are you looking like that?" 

"Like what?"

"Like a fag." 

"Excuse me?" Donnie straightened up and put the mug on the counter. Kendra put a hand on his shoulder to calm him down. 

"You're excused, now can you shut up, Jas?" Jeremy said, trying to shove Jason away. However, the smaller one didn't move. Instead, he crossed his arms and kept his hostile façade on.

"No, what was that supposed to mean?" Donatello went forward to the boys. He ignored Kendra calling his name. The girl put a hand on her face and shook her head. She didn't want to see what would happen. "And who are you to speak?" He continued, now standing in front of Jason. Donnie was much taller from him.

"Go away, man! Are you gay or what?" He said and put a hand in front of Donnie as if he wanted to stop him from coming closer. Donnie chuckled mockingly.

"Why, are you interested?" He asked, rather unamused. His tone was quite bitter. Jeremy considered standing in the middle of the boys to stop them, but he decided against it. However, he was ready to react if anything happened. He took a look at Kendra. The girl's eyes were focused on her step-brother, watching him annoyed.

"Are you two fucking?" Jason asked Donatello, looking him straight in the eyes. Donnie's expression suddenly faded and his face was cold for a few seconds. 

Jason was the only one to notice the mad spark in Don's eyes. He shivered. 

It happened very quickly, Donnie raised his hand and slapped him hard, making the boy fell. Jeremy was shocked. He didn't see this coming, he couldn't react. Kendra only walked towards them slowly to stand next to Donnie. 

"You deserved it." She told Jason who was now standing up from the floor. Then, she turned to Donatello. After a few seconds of them looking at each other, she slapped him, too. "And you deserved it too." The girl's voice was dead calm. Donnie blinked a few times and rubbed his cheek. It wasn't strong and didn't hurt him that much, but he was quite shocked. 

"Noo! Stop fighting over me guys!" Jeremy tried his best to kept his voice overdramatic and make fun of the situation, but Jason was the only one to laugh with him. However, when they noticed Kendra and Donnie's dead serious faces, they stopped. 

"One more action like that and you are all out of this place, I'm serious right now." 

"I live here too, hello!" Jason yelled again, but all it took for him to shut up was one look from Kendra.

"Listen, how about" Jeremy started and all the others looked at him. "Me and Jason go to your room, and wait for you to finish..." He pointed at Kendra and Donnie. "Whatever you were doing."

"Fine." Jason answered, not daring to look at his sister. 

"You better think about your behavior, Jas." Kendra said, agreeing to Jeremy's offer. Donnie nodded. With that, the boys went back to the girl's room.

"Donnie, I like you, but what the fuck?" She said once they were out of their vision. Donatello raised a brow.

"What? What was I meant to do?" 

"I don't know, ignore him?" She raised her hands above her head.

"No, I won't let a guy defile me." He crossed his arms. He was no idiot to let anyone disrespect him. Not a chance in hell.

"He is an idiot, why do you care anyway?" 

"Why do you?" He didn't really understand anything. Did he do a bad thing? He was just defending himself. 

"I..." Kendra hesitated for a while. "You know, Donnie. No matter what, I have to spend time with them. I don't want them to have a negative opinion on you." She told him, put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it.

"I don't care about their opinion." He answered her in a harsh tone. In today's episode of Reddit's 'Am I the Asshole': Am I the asshole for slapping my best friend's step-brother because he assumed that we are fucking? Let the users answer. But really, why was he to blame?

"But isn't it better to have a neutral relation than to make enemies?" She said after a while. "I just don't want any drama." Donnie walked away to the place from before, next to the window. He sighed and leaned on the wall. He was quiet for a while. Then, he nodded lightly.

"Okay. Sure. We're good." 

He just didn't want to piss Kendra off.

'Flats are sad if no one wakes up

milk is sad if getting waste.'

"Sorry, Donatello. It was dumb of me." Jason started once they came to the room. "What would you say to compensate it with some weed?" 

He never knew what Jason and Jeremy were talking about once him and Kendra were in the kitchen. However, he couldn't care less. Smoking felt just nice then.

When he came back home it was already past 4 PM. He had a nice time with Kendra and the boys, they were talking about anything and everything at the same time. At some point they even played a movie to watch, however, none of them really paid attention to it. After some time Jason was so high he was unable to walk or even talk, Jeremy helped him get some sleep, then he left a few hours before Donnie. 

He considered walking back home, but he couldn't just leave his dad's car somewhere else. Out of question. He felt so dizzy, but it wasn't a long road. Just five minutes away. He could do it. He felt too silly to care about consequences anyway. And the consequences never came, he was back home safe and sound. No accident, thank God. However, there was another thing he should worry about, that only now crossed his mind.

Those 90+ missed calls or messages. The fact that he left the house and never told anyone where was he going or when will he be back. And the fact that he stole his father's fucking car.

There was no point of hoping that will have no consequences. It made him sober up almost immediately. 

"Donnie!" Raph's voice was first to be heard as he entered the house. It was filled with worry, madness and horribly big piece of anger. 

"Oh, you're so in trouble Donatello." He didn't remember the last time when he heard his father calling him by his real name. Shit, it really meant big problem. 

"We were so worried, Donnie!" Mikey ran towards him and almost made him fall from the strenght of his embrace. "Where were you? Why didn't you call?" 

"I'm... Sorry?" God damn, he was really thankful that the drugs didn't affect his behavior that much now, because he could keep his thoughts clean. However, some part of him wished he was high; he wouldn't be that much of a ball made of anxiety. 

"You can shove your sorry in my... You know what!" Splinter yelled at him and shoved Mikey away from Donnie. And then, he did something probably none of them expected. 

He grabbed Donnie by his hoodie to pull him down and slapped him with such force that it sure would leave a bruise.

"Dad! What was that..." Mikey kept talking, or yelling? Something, but Donnie couldn't catch that. He was somewhere else. He didn't know where. It was like all his thoughts flew away to another dimension, almost as if he was blasted again, but a strange melody was playing in his mind. Like if his mind was moss-covered and painted with mushrooms, the sun wasn't warm: it sent shivers down his spine. He saw apartment blocks growing from the ground, replacing the flowers. Maybe he wasn't so sober after all. 

'be aware of mushroom's land

tho you might find it amusing

if your feet is there to stand

you will end up overusing'

The only thing he understood once he came back to the reality was his father telling him that now he was banned from leaving the house. He wanted to go and lock himself in his room, but guess what? His father took the key away and told him, that he was forbidden of closing the doors. 

Great.

It's been five days since that day. He couldn't smoke weed, it was impossible.

But guess what? The whole "keep the doors open" didn't prevent him from sniffing. 

He just had to make sure to cut off from the family' everyday life.

A strange delusion, confusion hidden by rapid breaths taken so slow they're almost non-existing, nonetheless. The legs taking an uncoordinated move so now they feel as if sinking down to the ground, taking a higher step but lowering its bones. The weight of the body feels free, light but confuses it with heaviness. As the wind blew from the opened window his body was now set free as he took another breath, sharply fighting for air.

He had it enough of others trying too hard to find anything in him, as if there was any stability in his mind. The nonexistent bets on how will he act today and why does it seem different than yesterday, feeling as if it was his responsibility to keep them satisfied. And for what?

The time for him is coming like stones, bags full of bricks sinking him underwater, the urge to end it all. With snakes biting his legs and choking him to death, the pressure of time that once was too slow, too much of it and now is coming to an end, not a chance of hope.

The thing finally hitting him harder than any of his guesses, with its stiches and thorns. 

A final fight. Fight to the finish. And time that catches him with it's harelike speed, like if it was limited from now on, but searching for a savior.

And the savior was the ecstasy that came with yet another line, an another poison. The prison that was his own mind keeping him unconcious. Because any time he woke up the thought repeated like a mantra, only adding his worries.

He still believed it was his choice only. That he was the whole thing - he could decide over to fly again or fall to the ground. And if he wanted to be clean again - he could do it, of course. 

But it was reality that was a nightmare. How come he never notice it before? 

He didn't think of himself as an addict. The feeling was addicting, but Donnie wasn't stupid. He chose just not to wake up any moment soon yet.

It's been a week since he was clean the last time. Or maybe even more. He didn't count that, anyways. 

The clock pointed quarter to six. He was so fucking hugry. He went to the kitchen.

Only bread in the first shelf, a bag of chips in the second. He grabbed it but when he took one he noticed they were soft and not crispy - they must have been there for quite a long time. Sensory issues, very much. 

His eyes caught a box of Lucky Charms at the end of the shelf. Leo was the only one who liked those, nobody else ever touched it. His mind traveled back to the day when they both ate their last cereals together. How long had it been? A month ago? A year ago? A week ago? Donnie didn't even know. He couldn't understand why did it make him so emotional, but he was sure he didn't like it. He closed the shelf and opened the drawer. A bag of flour, salt, sugar. Literally nothing. His stomach grumbled. 

"Fuck it." He mumbled to himself and grabbed the bag of sugar before closing the drawer. He took a sit on the chair and wanted to open it, but just then he heard steps walking towards the room.

"Donnie?" He heard his twin's hushed voice. "What are you doing?" Leo asked and took a few steps closer to take a better look at Donatello. "Why are you holding sugar?"

One thing lead to another; Donnie had an amazing, amusing and super funny idea in his mind. 

"Eat up, fucker!" He said, not so quiet and full on laugh as he threw a sugar bag on Leo. Luckily for him, Leon caught it just above his head before it could crash somewhere and spill out.

"Dee!" Leo tried hard not to be loud, but it was obvious he was pissed. Oopsie. "What was that supposed to mean?" 

"Come on, I was just joking. Don't be so uptight." Donnie was now laughing, truly amused.

"Well I will!" Leon put the bag on the table. "Dee, you're high!" He said in quieter tone, trying hard not to wake anyone up. 

"And? They can't possibly know that. And I got used to lie." He answered and kept laughing.

"Donnie, I really worry about you and you just..." Leo kept waving his hands all sides in nerves. "You really think it is all just a dumb joke?" 

"Aren't you tired of that already?" Donnie sighed, visibly not as amused as before. "You know it's all meant to wreck, anyways." He finished and Leo blinked. Then, the younger twin sat on the chair just next to Donnie. There was very little space between them. 

"No, I'm not tired of that." Leo answered after a while, not looking at his brother. Instead, he was focused on his hands, playing with his fingers anxious. "I'll not get tired of caring about you." He tighten the grab of his hands and closed his eyes. There was a longer pause before he continued. Donnie looked at him, he noticed his brother hesitated. "Go on dancing with me like this forever, and I'll never tire." 

This quote. He knew that one. He didn't know how. Something inside him was telling him that he was supposed to say something back, maybe even finish it. Even more, when he noticed Leo's eyes looking at him, hopeful that Donnie understood what he meant.

But he didn't know the words.

Donnie only sighed and stood up rapidly before turning away and going back to his room.

"Do what you want to do." He answered in a boring tone.

How funny. Donnie didn't want to make assumptions by such little data points, but even he could see the conclusion. Everytime when the drugs stopped working he wanted to go to Leo and just... Spent time with him. Hug him. Apologise to him, talk to him. 

He really didn't remember the last time they were talking for longer than five minutes. Was it dumb to try and go to him now? After what happened before? He definitely didn't waste any more time thinking about it, he just stood up from the bed he was sitting on and decided to go. He hesitated before opening Leo's door, but eventually he found himself entering the room. Leo was on his bed, already in his everyday clothes. He had his blue hoodie on and a few sizes too big black sweatpants.

“It’s a mean world...there’s nobody to take care of you out there.” He said just as he closed the door. He noticed the younger one's eyes brightened with hope when he looked at Donnie. However, there was also a confusion. "Yet you still want to care about the others." 

He hesitantly walked towards the bed, just like if he waited for a permission. Leonardo nodded and Donnie sit next to him.

"Because every day may cost me my life." He answered, lowering his head. After a few seconds he looked at Donnie. "But you must know about it too, don't you?" 

"Maybe."

"I want to live the rest of it knowing that maybe, just maybe" He tried to find the right words. Donnie was patient. "I can do something right."

The vision of them dying... It felt terrible. Donnie didn't try to hide it, sometimes he imagined himself dying. 

In fact, he wanted to die. He dreamt about it, every day was a way to end it all. Life was a long suicide. What was the sense of the pain if it kept repeating over and over again? Maybe it's just the way that opens right before him. He needed it like drugs, so much it was hard to resist. Maybe it was the only option.

But to think and to know that Leo felt the same... It was all wrong. It was not the way it was supposed to be. 

"Should we..." He started once he was back from his thoughts. "Should we meet the devil, Leo?" He grabbed his twin's hand.

It was cold. Cold and dry. How could Donnie forget Leo's state? Suddenly everything was even more painful. Leonardo didn't expect that move, but he didn't withdraw. He just squeezed Donnie's hand in the act of telling him that he is there for him without using real words. "We are too young for that, why did we..." 

"Shhh." Leo tried to calm him down. But Donnie didn't need that. It felt okay to express his emotions now. 

"Why did we meet the devil." 

And then, Leo hugged him. It felt weird. But Donnie needed that. There was a long pause before a light appeared in Donnie's head. He found the piece of puzzle that he was looking for. He understood what Leo meant back in the kitchen. It was time for him to finish the thought.

"We'll scrape our shoe on the stars and hang upside down from the moon."

Chapter Text

Leo suddenly remembered the taste of the salted caramel ice cream, the one that made his mouth watering, but the saliva tasted like blood, the dessert felt like poison deep in his heart, in his brain and his stomach.

And he remembered eating ice cream once at that weird beach they never came back to, once when they were younger, on a family day time back in June two, or three years ago. It tasted like sun and the sea, he could memorize the touch of the sand on his bare feet, hurting him from the hotness of the day but still feeling calming and comforting, making his heart happy but his soul was aching. The sound of that day was beating inside him like a weird stereo, knowing the rhythm but having no idea where did that came up from, how was it born in his head right now, right there. The only thing in his mind was him, smiling from an indescribable happiness on a damn bike, with sunlight falling into his eyes.

Maybe it was because of all the things that had happened, but now? His memories had no taste, they had no sound, they had no emotions. It was like silence before the storm, and when the storm came it burned down all of the lifes on earth, his whole world that was now so quiet you could hear any small sound if there was any; but nothing came.

He did a thing yesterday, something happened a week ago, a month ago was this and two months ago was that, but... It was bland. Nothing, sweet nothingness that took his whole mind away, filling him with emptiness.

A week filled with worries, filled with suspicions and with anxiety. This could be called the worst time of one's life, but not for Leo. For him, it felt almost like a norm. Because it honestly was becoming a norm, at least. He didn't want to lie, he was happy Donnie eventually came back home safe and sound. But when Raph and Mikey told him about... Well, everything that happened, he couldn't help but feel worried about him.

Because sure, maybe others thought it was a good way to not let him go outside to people they don't know and could eventually harm him. 

But Leo was the only one who knew what Donnie was going through. He was the only one who knew about Donnie's addiction. And he knew that the whole 'stay home and leave your doors open' wouldn't do a shit. Because Leon still heard Donnie trying to hide his laughter in the middle of night, sneaking to the kitchen to get something to eat for his munchies and acting... Well, out of character, to say at least. 

'so carry me

from this world 

brother of mine

show me the world outside'

And Leonardo was the only one who could help him. Who could show him that he was not alone, even though he knew Donnie definitely felt that way. The only thing he knew was that Donnie had a friend, but he knew nothing about them, he didn't even know this person's name, intentions and behavior. But he knew that this someone had to mean a lot to Donnie, he overheard his twin's phonecalls maybe once or two. 

"It's a mean world" He heard Donnie saying as he entered his room one day. He looked up at him and noticed that there wasn't anything wrong about Donnie, there wasn't this mad spark in his eye like before, not a hint of anger, Leo suddenly felt better hearing him. His voice was calm and quiet, he closed the door before continuing. "There’s nobody to take care of you out there.” 

How did that statement came from? Leo was confused, but didn't want to ruin the moment. Maybe right there, right now would be the time when they could spend more time together as brothers, not enemies.

"Yet you still want to care about the others." 

Ah, care. The thing they talked about before. Of course, now it made sense. Maybe Donnie finally understood Leo's worries and that they didn't come out of nowhere. He noticed Donatello looking at him with a sad look in his eyes, even though Don was the older one he looked so small, so lost and defeated. He walked towards Leo and Nardo gave him a small reassuring smile in answer, nodding at him to take a sit on the bed.

"Because every day may cost me my life." And it was true, Leo would lie if he said that he wasn't scared of dying. Maybe if the vision would be further away it wouldn't have such an effect on him, but with the way he felt so weak, so ill and terrible, he lowered his head in a powerless manner. Did Donnie feel the same? Was he scared of death, too? They both walked on the path of danger, the thin ice that should be fenced and kept away from a human's life. He stole a look from his twin and scanned his sad face.

"But you must know about it too, don't you?" 

The air tasted different that moment, the tension suddenly disappeared. He felt a weird wave of nostalgy, a taste of how they used to behavior back in time when everything was alright. Leo strongly believed those times were now straight forgotten and non-existent, but right now?

He could see Donnie was sober at that moment. He felt his pressence rather comforting than the other way around, he felt safe. He noticed a weird light in Donnie's eyes after the short conversation about dying that they had.

And when Donnie said those words to him, finished this damn quote that Leo refered to before, his eyes were suddenly covered in tears. He didn't know if those were happy or sad, but he didn't care. He could let himself feel this type of emotions right now, with his brother, the one he longed to see and talk with again.

No matter what, he never wanted to leave Donnie. Even if it meant going insane.

That's why he hugged him in the first place, that's why he felt confident to do so. Donnie was his brother, was his twin, he loved him, trusted him and cared about him, nothing alse mattered.

'i am a fish inside a birdcage

my brother always sings me song

with his beak he tries to soothe me

he makes me feel that I belong'

They were sitting like that for a long time, both in need of comfort and closeness. Leo's back leaned against the wall while Donnie was curled close to him, leaning on his shoulder with his arms holding onto Leo's neck like a lifeline. He looked weak and small, Leo realised how much Donnie probably needed something like this. And he needed it, too. He was slowly caressing Donatello's back trying to soothe him, in a gest saying 'I am here'. 

"You know, I didn't tell you that" Leo finally started, his voice quiet and soft. Donnie raised his head a little, not enough to move his body but enough to look into his eyes with curosity. "But I started therapy." 

And just then, Donnie rapidly changed his position, now he straightened himself up to take a better look at Leo, he watched him with his eyes opened almost as if they were about to fell off. However, a smile started to appear on his face, and before Leo blinked his twin was looking at him with his eyes brightened and filled with hope.

"No way, Really?" He asked, maybe a little too loud for his liking, but Leo chuckled. 

"Yeah, actually..." And he couldn't finish, Donnie threw himself on Leo which caused him to land on his pillow with Donnie glued to him like to a big plushie, hugging him hard and happy. Leon couldn't help the giggle. "You're gonna break me!" He said, amused. He was so happy to have this kind of closeness with his twin again.

"I won't" Donnie mumbled into his hoodie, which actually tickled him so he let out a laugh. 

'as I breathe into our silence

there's a voice that comforts me

it's a voice of understanding 

it's a voice of empathy' 

And looking at Donnie like that, with him being actually happy, actually enjoying the time with Leon. It felt like a new thing, almost as if they didn't have that ever in their whole lifes. But Leo could understand, he could guess that it was the real Donnie, the one that wasn't affected with drugs, the one that was showing his true self, the one that Leo knew and loved all his life, that he missed so much. Just him, nothing else, no one else. 

"But..." Leo finally started after hesitating for a long time. "It wasn't really my choice." And Donnie sat back up, looking at him, scanning his face carefully. 

"What do you mean?" 

"I... Don't know?" He scratched his cheek and sat up, too. "Dad took me by surprise." 

Donnie was looking at him like that for quite a long time with a face hard to read. It was a mix of confusion and fear. Well, it was, before it changed into a way more relaxed half-smile.

"Right about time, then." And this time, it was Leo who raised his brow.

"But I really don't know if I want to... You know, go for it." He honestly said. It made Donnie anxious again.

"But it's for your health." He said as quiet as ever. Leo blinked.

"I mean, yes? I know? I guess..." Leonardo started, not sure what to say. Donnie was still looking at him, but there wasn't a hint of anger in his eyes. "But I don't know if I want this, if I.... If I need this." Leon finished and it met with Donnie nervously chuckling.

"Well, choosing from us two I would prefer you to be the one living." He mumbled, almost like it was to himself only.

"How can you say something like that?" Leo really didn't want to hear it. This moment he realised how bad it was with Donnie.

"Pfh." Don chuckled at him, the slider's face was still confused and hurt. "You know." 

There was a minute of silence between them both, still scanning each other's faces, both with hurt in their eyes. Leonardo wanted to know. He needed to know, he had his suspicions but he didn't know if those were real.

"Donnie, how..." He started hesitantly, having an idea in his mind but no confidence to ask. "I don't want to sound rude, but..." Donnie was looking at him with confusion clearly painted on his face. "Donnie, what is your friend like?" And that's when Donatello softened a little, his tense shoulders got more relaxed.

"She's..." Huh, so a girl. "She's pretty smart. I don't know? What do you want to know?" He asked Leo and Nardo shook his head. He really didn't want to break the mood.

"But like... Haven't you think that maybe it's her..." 

"What? No?" It was clear Donnie got offended with those words. "You can't say things like that." But instead of a madness in his eyes that Leo grew used to, he was just disappointed. Just like Leo remembered Donnie reacting to such things. It was not a surprise that Donnie had this soft spot for Leon only. For a moment in his life, he was scared of Donnie. He was scared of his reactions, since Donatello was getting angry quite often these days, sometimes he even did things he would never do if he was sober. But sober is the most important part in this, because now, he was sober. "She is the reason I'm still alive, if anything." And those last words were said so quiet, so small. Leo was hurt again.

"Have you..." He started, trying to find the right words. "Have you thought about it?" Leon asked again, but realised that Donnie could understand those words differently than the original meaning. "Of.. Ending it?" He precised. 

"And you haven't?" Was the only thing Leo heard in answer.

"I did." He agreed after a moment of silence. It was quite normal for him, to be honest. Painful, but normal.

"So, what is so surprissing?"

"Not surprising." Leonardo shook his head, not looking at his twin. "Just, hurts to hear it." 

They both heard steps walking towards Leo's room. That was what caught them off guard. Leon's eyes went towards the doors while Donnie turned behind to look at them, too. Their father, Splinter, had came into the room. The nice atmosphere was broke by dad reminding them that they in fact were banned from talking, or even seeing each other. Nothing ever lasts forever.

"Leave us." Donnie said and Leo wanted to turn away, to hide in his blanket. He didn't want any drama. "I have every right to spend time with my twin." He continued determined. 

"Not when I tell you you can not." 

"But I don't care about that!" And it seemed more like Donnie that Leo was scared of, the one that voice sounded harsh and mad, the one that was close to punch or kick someone or something. Splinter kept yelling at them again but was soon stopped by Draxum, who was standing on his sons' side, telling him that he shouldn't do anything like that. Leonardo surely felt overwhelmed because of it. He couldn't focus, he couldn't hear his fathers, nor Donnie who was trying to talk with Leon, soothe him. Soon, he felt Donatello's hand on his shoulder. He had no idea what was going on that moment so he almost jumped, but once he turned to Donnie, it was fine. His brother gave him a nod and leaned closer to hug him lightly one more time before leaving the room. He ordered his dads to do the same. 

Leo was alone, again.

'you give me more than I could ask for

indistinguishability' 

Leo felt a sudden shiver on his spine, he knew what Donnie would do once he came back to his own room. And he really, really didn't want it.

Please just don't do it

Do what?

You know what I mean

Oh

Sure

But could Leo really trust him?

But I need your help

How come?

I really need to leave this house 

Of course. So probably staying clean was out of question. Leo could guess it would end like that. But for real, who was to blame? Donnie? Their dads? Leo? 

Or this friend of Donnie? He really had no idea who, or what was she like. The only thing he knew was that since Donnie met this girl, he changed. She had to do something with his addiction. 

Oh

But how can I help you with that?

I'll be gone after they fall asleep 

the only thing you have to do is to not let them wake up 

But where are you going

It's important Leo please

I swear I won't do anything stupid

Can you trust me?

Could he? He couldn't. But he really, really wanted to.

Fine

A sudden need appeared inside of him. Maybe it was because of that moment they had together, maybe it was the loneliness, the sadness inside his heart. But he wanted to let his thoughts out, to say the things he wanted to say. 

It was the first time when Leo wrote a letter. He didn't want to show it. He didn't want anyone to read it. But he really, really wanted to write it. So he did. He still found it so hard to say what he needed to say. 

September 4

Dear Donnie,

The air started to taste different, am I right? Difficult events take away the shallowness of thought; they actually force you to look deeper. I'm sure we both know what I mean. You always were sensitive, just like me. Do you know that I've always seen it in your eyes? Those small spark of wiseness. I think it's a good thing. You see everything different way than the others, those people who never tasted pain. My therapist told me that. But it makes our hearts tender, We know what hurt feel like.

What I hope you already know and understand is that you don't have feel bad because of all the negative memories you have. Because I know what it's like to feel distance, fear and pain or disgust for who you were before or what happened to us before. But just know that if you hide, it doesn't go away.

It's actually a terribly difficult process in life, knowing that there's nothing we can do about it, and yet coming to terms with it is problematic. At first, it all seems absolutely cold and painful. You ask yourself, where is my mind? It seems to me that this is to protect ourselves from possible harm, from pain in our hearts. And then? After that, it's all easier. Almost like stepping down from slippery stairs, at last you don't have to fear slipping and falling down. You can accept it better, breathe. Sit down and think about all your feelings and fears. And just breathe. Because, after all, You feel safer inside your own head. 

But what if life were to end in such a void, a sphere engulfing us like a black hole? Admit it, what would be the point? I feel like there must be more to this. Maybe I'm kinda sceptic about everything, but I believe and feel that our fate has to draw something else. That all those moments, minutes and years, they all will turn into something better. You won't have bad years and good minutes anymore, you have a good future.

It's a weird feeling, right? The child is grown, the dream is gone and your mind turned into a a bubble filled with smoke of something that is difficult to get through, hard to find and see anything in it, and the longer you stay quiet the harder it gets to break the silence. When it's bright... it feels dark. You can find cold in the heat of burning candles. Everything seems to be different. 

Even terror becomes common, even death is shallow.

And, to answer your thoughts, I remembered.

I don't know what's in your soul and your head, but I know you are still there. Stay. 

So, please. Stay. I need you.

Love, Leo

Chapter Text

October eight. It was october eight and Donnie knew he would never forget this date. 

'She's lost control.'

A sudden shock, something just hit the ground and ruined the whole world of his, or was it just his imagination? Was the red on the floor a new color on his mind palette? What was going on? Should he laugh, should he cry? His face was wincing, his eye was twitching, his legs suddenly too heavy to move with the way his head felt so light it almost hurted, stretching his brain in the most unpleasant feeling ever conjured, he had to take a step closer, his legs were refusing to move. The sorrow, the few notes in his head kept repeating like a mantra, those sounds in the most depressing minor notes he could ever think of when drums came to the beat.

'She's lost control again.'

It's like the whole world changed just in a blink of an eye. A grab of his chest that got right into his heart, tearing apart his skin, muscles and bones to rip it apart, shred it in pieces. A dark, loud shot that blinded him, deafened him.

'She's lost control.'

A loud and ugly sob. A cry for help. An unspoken deal he made with her to be the last and only one who could see and feel what was it like, slipping under. Scared that he was losing his friend, his hope, his home. His everything. 

'And seized up on the floor, I thought she'd died,

she said: I've lost control.'

It's like the whole world was playing an awful melody. A melody that he recognized, but didn't know from where. Only a few notes that kept repeating over and over again. Everything was wrong. He heard a loud and bloody, eardeafening scream, but it wasn't his voice. It was his head. 

'And she expressed herself in many different ways 

Until she lost control again.'

A reaper was crawling behind his back, touching him with his disgusting, bony fingers, leaving sticky patterns on his shoulders, forcing him to move. He couldn't move, he wouldn't. He could tremble. 

'And walked upon the edge of no escape 

And laughed: I've lost control.'

She was bleeding, living quietly. Or living, bleeding quietly. It all made sense now. How stupid he was, why didn't he get it at first. A closed world and opened wounds. It was this fucking simple. 

'Confusion in her eyes that says it all,

She's lost control.'

"There's nothing here." Said someone. His vision was blurred. He wasn't there, he would wake up any second now, he had to wake up. Things like this didn't just... Happen in the normal world. 

'And she's clinging to the nearest passers-by,

She's lost control.'

But no one ever said the world was normal. And this world was fucked up, Kendra always reminded him to be careful. Why didn't he listen? 

'She's lost control.'

The truth is between the lines, it's the words behind the context that matter the most. Not everything is always given without pain, an even tho sometimes it hurted to sink deeper, it was often that the real treasure was hiding under the sea. 

'And heard a voice that told her when and where to act

She said: I've lost control again.' 

"Nothing, maybe except for this." Another voice answered, and Donatello had no idea what was going on. He woke up in a car. 

'And she turned around and took me by the hand,

and said: I've lost control again.'

He was sure he didn't fall asleep. His mind and consciousness were asleep, but his body was awake. And that was the problem. 

'She's lost control.'

"Now this." A man waved something that looked like a book in front of his still shocked face. "Is a thing I am sure will help us solve the case." 

'And she gave away the secrets of her past

and said: I've lost control again.' 

August 29

The weather is already quite autumnal but I prefer it over the heats. I'm suffocating when it's hot. The light in my room is off, the devil tries to ravish my insides, it craves for more. The holes in the walls are covered by old wallpapers and it fucking stinks, I feel like it grew a mold or something. I found an uneaten carbonara under my mattress, that's probably the reason of the smell. Even Chanelle can't kill it. I'm waiting until saturday so I can party. I didn't go to school this week and the year just started. I'm probably gonna fail the year again. I don't even care at this point. 

XOXO

August 30

I've sold my soul for a candle that smells like coffee. :)

XOXO♡

August 31

I actually want to die. I'm dreaming about it and every other day is another reason to do it. What is life if not just a long suicide? What's the purpose of suffering if it is repeated daily? I need this drug too much, I can't take it anymore.

I will always go back to the same place and no one will ever stop me. (No one even wants to.) I know that I want it. And I know it's the only option. I have had enough, reality is mixed with a dream. I want to finally exist.

:(:(

September 2

Weekend, weekend, it's a shame you had already ended. I swallowed thousands of pills I guess. I went with Jason and Jeremy to the skate park and my ex friends were there. They reminded me of my punk era, I remember when they used to style my hair with sugar and water. We were sitting on a dumb bench in the park before we smoked weed, I guess this made me so ill; I puked. I didn't remember when I woke up, all I know is that I was completely alone, somewhere on the train station in the other city. I tried calling Jason and Jeremy but those motherfuckers didn't answer my calls, and I had to come back to house. I could just call Donnie, but I didn't want to be a problem. Plus he was on the house arrest, anyways. So I got in the train and I got a fucking mandatory fine. Fifty fucking dollars, are you kidding me? I told them I have no money and they told me I have to pay, anyways. So they gave me a paper to write my address on it, my name and surname. I was not going to pay fifty fucking dollars. I wrote the name and address of Jeremy's mom on it. You raised a motherfucker, you are punished by a bigger motherfucker, fuck you very much. I paid no shit for this fuckery, they did. Of course they said that they aren't gonna pay, but then police got into their house and showed them an evidence in a form of mandatory fine copy. You're welcome, idiots. Jeremy spilled the tea with me and Jason, I was satisfied. The way he kept describing it? Yeah, Remy, you're right, all cops are bastard! You're right, it's so rude of that person to catfish like that! Guess who was the cat that went fishing. :) 

XOXO

September 3

Sometimes I feel like people are looking at me when I am outside. I am fucking paranoid, I see his face everywhere I go. Dear Satan, please send this message to that fucker so called my father:

I'm gonna burn the whole world down. I'll start with our family house, I'll watch it burn. Then I'll steal all guns from your room, the ones you used to threat me with. You will be the first against the wall. I'm gonna make you beg for forgiveness, you'll gonna crawl to me on your knees. Then, I'll laugh at your face. I'll make you fucking stand up, then I'll choke you until you spit your blood, just like you did to me when I was seven. I'm gonna make all your dumb fucking step children watch it, they will watch you bleed, they will hear you scream, they will run away for the whole week with nowhere to go, just like I had to when I was fourteen. I was fucking homeless for a whole fucking week and you didn't even search for me.

XOXO

September 4

I've cut myself. The devil talked to me, he said he knew about the things I did. I was so scared! He told me there was only one option to stay pure, he said I had to clean my blood from all the sins that swim in it. I tried, I really did, but then I realised my blood was black. There is no chance left for me, I have to live with the knowledge that my blood is scarred. 

♥︎

September 5

I can't draw anymore. I tried to draw a new tattoo design, but the only thing that comes out of my hand is this thing's face.

:(

September 6

Do you think Jesus is a smoker?

Mwah. ♡

September 7

I feel like I'm fucking schizophrenic. My doctor said something about F31, I searched it up online. It seems like she meant bipolar affective disorder, but I'm too young to be diagnosed, anyway. This is fucking bullshit! I searched the thing online. I am not fucking crazy. The world is crazy, not me. You all are bastards. 

XOXO

September 7 (it's a shame it's the same date, but it's evening. I shouldn't have wrote the xoxo in the end. I didn't know I'll feel the urge to write more today. I should stop writing on the margin, my teacher would kill me if he saw it. It looks so fucking bad, but my writing is messy, anyway.)

Acid and shivers, I feel like this is the end. I am pathological. There is fear in my fucking eyes, why no one can see it? I am praying for it to end. I want to be alive. It was all a fucking mistake, I didn't even know that I really wanted to kill myself. I feel like it was only a dream. A fog in my mind, it didn't go away. I was laughing when choosing the blade. Why did I buy that knife? Now it only lures me to do bad things to myself. It stands proudly on my bed table, waiting to be used. I can feel it on my wrists, the thought of it drowning in my skin, stimulating my veins, cutting to the bone. It's exciting, it's alluring, I feel my breath becoming faster and hotter. I'm rotting inside, I feel vipers of guilt crawling inside me. I live like a fucking flower, I breathe, I don't eat. I wake up, I don't fall asleep. I'm living and I don't know what for. All the memories of the things I've done and am doing, they are ruining me. The thing that used to swim in my veins had became my fucking blood. 

XOXO

September 11

I didn't eat for three fucking days, I'm puking like an ill cat. I am so hungry. Someone just crossed the street and looked at me, I feel like they are all looking at me. I wish they could stop the noise, I'm trying to get some rest. Said me, Kendra Byerly, listening to death metal on her headphones. I know what you're all thinking. This girl is a waste, an idiot. No one would miss her if she died. She is a disappointment, just like all the backstreet kids. I am complaining, maybe, but it's only them who change my weather all the time. It's so fucking irritating. 

XOXO

September 12

Anger is taking away my breath. You're pissing me off since a few days. It will probably go away, it always does. I can't be mad at you for long, anyway. The cigarette flamed out in my hand quietly, just like my will to live. It's harder now that you can't be here. I am all alone, it's so late. I left the house to walk outside but some idiots were after me, I broke a glass bottle on the head of one of them and ran away. Now I'm somewhere in the park. The moon is so beautiful, dark but so bright. Mysterious and dark, it's quiet, it doesn't need words to speak. Just like me. 

XOXO

September 13

You're smart, but there are so many things you don't understand yet. You're breaking the rules of love and trust. You hide your feelings behind coldness of your heart, soul. You ache for euphoria, but the crisis stunned the disgrace and all that madness made you go fucking crazy. Why do you beg just to radiate this bitter aggression? You know it is a way to nowhere, right? Cigarettes, fags, you're lying that you love. What for? It really pisses me off. You're always stoned. Even I don't take this many pills. One day you'll fucking overdose and you'll see how it is. I can't wait for a moment when you'll get into troubles. To think I took you as a good person. I thought you just wanted to help your brother and I thought that you needed the rest, too, but look at you now. Now it's everyone else that need a rest from you. And you don't even answer my calls. I left you thousands messages on discord, I fucking needed you and you weren't even there. Do you treat Leo the same, too? I fucking pity you. I pity you so fucking much, you dumb asshole. No, you don't even deserve my pity. You have fucking everything. You have a family that loves you, younger brothers that look up to you, older brother that cares about you. You have dads that gave you everything you ever wanted. You have a normal fucking house that doesn't smell like shit. Your room is always clean, you have a normal fucking bed. I didn't even have a mattress, I stole it from the backstreet's garbage dump, it probably belonged to some dosser and it stinks, it's broken, the bed springs fucked their way out the material and they hurt my fucking back whenever I sleep on it. It's all covered in fucking blood because I can't even think about cleaning it whenever I cut myself. Probably the only blood you ever saw was the one you saw in the films, you fucking kid. You'll see what the world really looks like. You said you liked me, huh? That I should talk with Leo, that I am so smart, that I can help people? What am I, a fucking peacemaker? You have no idea who I really am. You don't wanna be like me. You should wish you never ever met me at all. I really want you to see the things I saw. I want you to know how does it feel to get high for free and face the consequences at the very young age. I want to see how would you react to people committing suicide in front of your eyes, those that you called friends, because this is the world we live in, this mess and this chaos. I want you to face the devil that will make you understand that the world is not heaven, it's actually hell. I want to know how would you feel if your father sexually assaulted you since you were a kid. I want you to know how does it feel when your best friend asks you to strangle them with a pillow because they don't want to fucking live anymore. And I want to see you relate to his feelings. I want to see your reaction to see your mother in the bathroom with her wrists cut open. I'm fucking dying Donatello, I'm fucking dying and you don't even care to call me, I had a fucking attack and I swallowed tons of fucking benzodiazepines because I wanted to feel something. Instead I started shaking like a fucking dog treated with a vibrating dildo and no one even cared to take me to the hospital for a toxicology, I was puking my fucking bowels out and now I am unable to walk because I can't move my legs. And you probably chill on your three feet thick mattress, smoking joints and listening to my fucking playlist that I shared with you, my fucking playlist that I created to have something to listen to when I'll finally decide to end my life. You don't even fucking care. No one ever fucking cares. 

Kiss your XO fucking XO.

September 15

I am so sorry. I didn't mean to. I am a mess, I am the worst friend ever being. All the things I said I didn't mean them at all. I swear it was not me. It was that stupid voice again, it keeps shoving everyone away. But it's not even an excuse, I don't know what's gotten into me lately. I should be locked in a ward. I am a danger to the society. Benzodiazepines don't work for me anymore. I'm seeing a doctor in a few days. It's a miracle that I'm still alive, or maybe my body is already used to this amount of chemicals in me. I feel like there is a whole Mendeleev's table swimming in my blood. 

XOXO

September

August 15 September 15

I hope you're okay. I've heard that your dads don't go easy on you. You don't deserve it. You deserve a break. You're a good man. I love you. I hope your brother is okay. 

XOXO

PS. I love you like a friend love their friends. 

PPS. Answer me on discord.

septembr 1666 XD i anm so fuccing stoned i don,t sea my ice 

XØXØXØ

September 17

Forget it. I probably meant 'eyes'. But it makes no sense, because you can't see your eyes even when sober. Well, you can if you look in the mirror, but I'm a vampire. I don't see my reflection. 

XOXO ♡

September 17 

I did it again, I slept all day. My hands are shaking. I need caffeine. 

XOXO ♡

September 18

Leaving the life 

Leavingthe lie 

Leaving the lie I wanted to live when the lie becomes the truth

September 18 

I had to buy a new pen. My black pen broke and I hate blue pens. They remind me of primary school. 

September 19

My soul was blessed and with that I was given an another chance. I need to really use it this time because maybe this is the last one. The sin I've made, leaving the purity in the worst time of my life, it's truly bashful. However, I need to cut it off to start from the scratch again and stay in that reality. I don't want to be a shame, I need to stay clean to never be a disappointment ever again and I believe I'm on a good way to achieve that. I don't want to lie anymore, I don't want to be a cheater. Today was the worst day of my life and I want to make it better, I've finally learned it. I don't want to forget about it. Today starts tomorrow Tomorrow starts today. I want to be proud of myself. 

Amen ♡

September 19

Mary taught me how to speak to the Father above so he could hear, she told me he will heal me. I remember we ate some candies together and suddenly she disappeared. I don't know where she went, she said something about a child crying. Or nails. I don't even remember, but I know Mother have me under her wings. She told me I am the chosen one and that she will teach me how to carry a child in your uterus. I don't know what she meant, but I know that God chose me and I chose God.

Amen.

September 20

That thing up there? ↑

A perfect example of a pure, clean soul of a girl who wants to heal, who is fully aware of her state and starts to get better, who let God inside her heart! ♥︎♡

.......

Of course I'm just fucking kidding. I wrote it after taking LSD. This was all a hallucinating person mumbling. I thought I saw a Mary of Nazareth that gave me the gift of virginity. One leaf more and I would probably give a birth to Jesus Christ in the flesh. Well, I'd probably have to change the name slightly. I don't know if it's under copyright license. Donnie would probably like it, he always talks about Christus when he's high. He would be the Joseph, and I would be the Mary of New York. I'd write a new New Testament, a whole new origin: the mutant era. I'm curious what does Donnie do now.

Amen. :* 

September 20

Sometimes I feel like I belong to the era of Romanticism. I like pain, I like being hurt. I think a lot, I like the mystery of the world, the rebelion. The darkness. I am rebellious, I am demoralized and I think I like it. I like the vibe of Middle Ages, I like the Gothicism. I was born to die, and I'm dying everyday. My therapist said it's just another episode of mania, I don't fucking understand her. I'm not manic. It's just the way I am, why can't anyone understand it? 

Fuck you ♡

September 21

My heart aches and it didn't even find the time to be happy yet. Why do you fucking waste your time to help me. How can you replace my pain and aid me? Death wants to kiss me and I want to kiss it back. A person is born to be alive everyday, to seize the day. To get the experience, to build their character. But it's so fucking hard to seperate the person from their story. And it's even harder to find your right mind and not make the same mistakes. It's hard to listen to the voice telling me to pacify myself, to spare me. There is another one that tells me to kill myself. The whole 'you only live once' conspiracy is bullshit. If we only live once, why do I die everyday? I didn't build my character on my experiences, I built it on lies. And lies will always come out of the closet. Because life is a one big fucking lie. I built it myself and I will fuck it down, too. 

I want to kill myself ♡

September 23

My therapist said I need the hospitalization. She is fucking lying, everyone is fucking lying. They probably think I am a danger to the society and that's why they want to lock me up. What's up danger? Don't be a stranger! 

I'm okay! ♥︎

September 24

They gave me quetiapine. What for? Just because I was hanging off the window? I didn't even intend to jump. I was just looking at the new moon, it is calling me. I am the moon child. The world is slowly dying, anyway. It doesn't really matter if I speed up the process of depopulation or not.

XOXO :)

September 24

Why are they trying to save me? I want to die. Just let me die already. I won't hurt myself if you don't make me, I'll just wait for the reaper to take me. :)

See you never

September 25

Sometimes I think we, as the whole generation; we're all broken. 

XDXD

September 25

You often lack the simplest of words. You do, all over again, every day. Something always seems wrong. A lot of thoughts you can't escape. You look at me and you think you understand, or at least you try to guess what is this emotion behind my eyes. I'll tell you: it's fear. You may not understand my emotions, bet you don't. No one does, it's impossible. But I do understand yours. I know what you're feeling, I know what you're thinking about whenever you close the doors in your room. I know that your only advice giver is you heart. I know how much you try to fight even when nothing is going well, I know. Trust me, I know. 

I know. ♡ 

September 26

Should we be meeting the devil? The devil, when we're only kids that aren't alright? Should we have really met the devil, why, oh why have we met the devil? 

Hail Satan 𖤐

September 27

Sometimes I feel guilty for doing it to you. I'm sorry. I should have never come to you at that dumb bar. You searched for peace and I gave you the war. I am sorry, I crossed the line so much. I was so stoned, it's a surprise to me that you didn't notice. I took a lot of pills before and I searched for someone to buy things from me, I needed the cash. I just used you, and now you're in pain. You're all in pain. But I am in pain, too, and no one fucking cares. Why do I have to ache when everyone else is laughing, smiling, enjoying their lives? I really fucking needed the money. I wonder if you know how it really feels. All I feel is coldness and darkness. I don't feel safe. I am a lost child that no one sees, no one hears You know what, nevermind. It's not about me. I'm so sorry. 

Amen. 𖤐

September 28

Donbong is the only one who understands me.

XOXO

September 28

I should probably stop calling him that. I ruined him, and that stupid nickname only reminds me of that. He's got his twin to take care of, and yet I probably broke his whole family even more. This is so stupid. 

OXOX

September 29

But he is a good man, I know that. All the other dirtbags, those junkies and trippies, they don't care. All that matters is to make sure the shorty is not pregnant, to hide from the police or the HIV and to have the money. It's all about the fucking money, I fucking hate it. In my house there was no money ever. I had to steal it from my neighbors when I was visiting them. I'm so fucking tired of those banana kids. They had the money since always, they can use it however they want to. And they spend it all on drugs, fucking idiots. Those kids have so many options, they have chances, they have their lifes to live. 

Fuckery.

September 29

I am different. I know my life won't ever be normal. I'd like to die the same way I used to live like. In a ruin filled with emptiness, pain. No one cares. Pain doesn't calm me down anymore. It doesn't clean me up. I crossed the line, I'm used to it.

Kiss kiss

September 30

When I am with you, I feel like I'm a better person. I feel happier, less lonely. Not alone. The music we play always seems so weirdly familiar. You're always talking to me with the voice of a chore and word of a poet. I was watching you doing the things for me that I was never able to do. We're thrown into the world, thrown into each other. We're only discovering the world, the sun, the moon and the stars, all under one sky. All it takes is only your will and your choices to know how will your life look like. To live like a king or sleep on the station ZOO somewhere in Berlin. Will you know the world by shedding tears or will you live in accordance with it? It depends only on you. Though this world burns eternally I know, deep inside in my heart I know that I won't ever change. Because everything I touch turns to shit. I'm a fucking waste of space, I'm just a stupid kid. 

♥︎

September 30

Even with that big amount of people around you all you get in answer is always silence. You'll never understand. So many screams, so much pain, and you're still trying to get up? Now this is what I call bravery. I understand how important those words are. I know the rules of the game you're playing. 

XOXO

October 1

You really don't understand it, do you? He will die and there's nothing you can do about it. He wants to die, and the only thing you can do is let him. He is aware of his situation, the only people that aren't are you and your brothers, your fathers. You probably don't even know the suffer he's in. It's so fucking egoistic of you to prevent him from following his road. He chose his sentence already, you have no rights to stop him. It's too late already. We - the children of freezing moon - we know exactly what we are doing. If we didn't know, why would we be so silent about it? We didn't want this type of ending. We really wanted to live. But the world is dying, and that world didn't deserve us, this is why we have to leave it. The story was told, we're leaving and you're staying here, without this knowledge. We're only looking for the better life. All the other people are the one who are dying. You don't know what's in the air, what's in the water. You don't know what is truly poisoning you. And you're scared, I can see it. The reality is hurting you because you are sensitive. I am sensitive, too. They don't understand. They are weak. They are scared of us. Because we are different, because we are smarter. You can either join us, Donnie, now you know about it. You're welcome. And to you, Leo, I got your back, you're one of us.

♥︎ZZZ

October 1

Seven. You're supposed to be here and you're supposed to wait for me, because everyone is supposed to fucking wait for me for fuck's sake, and I'm being watched all the fucking time, do you fucking understand? You're with me and you're with me all the fucking time, do you understand?! I waited for you long enough and you never came. This thing replaced you and I didn't want it to replace you. You shouldn't have done it. It's a good thing you don't have to see his face anymore. 

Where were you, mom? ♥︎

October 2

Six. You do understand that karma police is on her way, right? She will arrest you. They are looking for you, just like they were looking for me. You make me so sick. You took everything from me, now I have to learn how to take the very first steps again. But guess what, my legs are numb, I can't feel them. You broke a thing that can not be saved anymore. My heart. My soul, it cries. My brain, it's not here anymore. I don't want you to have the satisfaction of ruining me. But I'm satisfied that you'll still be there with all the guilt. If you even know that word. You did it to yourself. You and no one else. It's a good thing you're unable to produce more children (or so I guess) so your heritage ends there. 

I hate you, dad ♥︎

October 3

Five. I shouldn't have forgiven you for everything you did. But this is what older sister is for, right? Good thing I'm not your older sister. The only thing that makes you slightly better is the fact that your blood is not poisoned with his genes. However, I can't really stay mad at you for too long. It's not your fault you couldn't help me. I don't even know if you ever tried. It's a good thing you have a friend who cares.

Good luck, Jason ♥︎

October 4

Four. I do remember a lot of nice things you did for me. However, I can't help but wonder, why did you left me alone so many times? It's not like it happened only once and you know it. I'd probably leave me, too. Sometimes I wonder how does it feel to know me. Because I don't know myself. I hope you'll be okay. It's a good thing that you won't see me again. 

It was a pleasure to know you, Jeremy ♥︎

October 5

Three. I know what you're going through. I will not say that I hope you'll get better, because only you can decide. But take care of him, at least for as long as you can. Fly high.

I wish we will meet Leonardo, I wish you the best ♥︎

October 6

Two. I'm your only reason.

I'm so fucking sorry, Donbong ♥︎

October 7

One. I did reread all my notes. If no one remembers me, at least I'll know and remember who I was. I am not sure of this act, but I know it's too late. I just hope you won't read it. Ever. No one should read it. It's for my eyes and my eyes only. I just hope it won't be the thing that will come for me.

I'll miss you Donnie, I really will ♥︎

October 8

Zero. It hurts. XOXO ♥︎♡♡♡♡♡♥︎

Chapter Text

'In sleep he sang to me, in dreams he came.'

September wasn't Leo's favorite month. It wasn't bad, really. Just... Too chaotic. Sometimes it was warm, sometimes it was cold. It wasn't the full autumn vibe yet, definitely not this atmosphere. He meant the one that smelled like red roses and orange leaves, cafés with the sound of Green Day or Nirvana. Brewed tea or coffee. This wasn't it yet.

And yet, September seemed to fly by surprisingly quickly. Maybe it was because a lot had happened.

For example, they had barbecue at the beginning of the month. It was intended to be the end of the season. It was true that Leo had some kind of a fight with his father, Splinter actually. Because he didn't want to eat the sausage nor the bread, but that doesn't mean he didn't eat anything. After all, he ate a fruit. Well, half an apple.

He also had a moment of closeness with Donatello. Leo didn't know what happened, how did that happen, all he knew was that Donnie had been called by a friend for some urgent, important matter, but Leo didn't know what it was all about. But nowadays he would leave the house much less often, he also stopped taking drugs or at least reduced the dose. Leo didn't understand why there was such a change, but he liked it.

The Internet was in a frenzy about the murder of some certain influencer. Leo remembered that day because it was the same day when Donatello took him outside to watch the stars together, they were lying on a mattress they put on the roof of some building. They brought a blanket from home. Donnie had some bag with him, Leo didn't know what was in it until Donatello showed a few candles that he lit to create the atmosphere, or something like that...

They weren't talking about anything specific for half the night. Donnie then asked him about his therapy. Leo asked about Donatello's friend, but he did not reveal any details about her. Leo was just glad that Donnie wanted to spend some time with him.

Then they switched to the topic of the murder because Donnie got a notification about it from an online newspaper. So they both tried to look for some photos, Donnie eventually found them on Reddit and the image shocked Leonardo.

The topic of their conversation then changed to other scandals that had occurred much earlier. For example, the unsolved case of Marina Joyce or... Well, because Donatello also mentioned Eugenia Cooney and whether the woman was still alive at all.

Leo had to admit that he had lied when he said he knew who Donnie was referring to. But then he looked up her name on the Internet and that probably triggered him a bit.

Although he didn't want to think about it just yet.

Mid-September, Uncle Hueso took him and his brothers to see an exhibition about the World War II. It was hard to convince their parents to let Donatello leave the house, but they eventually made it. They also had a guide who described what was happening in a given period. Leo had to admit that he didn't know much about this topic. The trip was interesting. Right after that, they went to McDonald's. His brothers tried very hard to convince Leo to eat something, but Leo refused. 

Later that day he was going to see his therapist. He had been seeing her more often lately. Their meeting weren't taking place in the office anymore, but in the guesthouse she owned instead, far from the city. There were animals: such as goats, sheeps, and cows. Leo liked this place. It was hard to get used to the smell that was there at first, but eventually it became therapeutic for Leo.

'That voice which calls to me and speaks my name.'

The therapist would often lit the fireplace to keep Leo warm. He also had a blanket to cover himself up, and a pillow to cuddle up to.

It was the end of September that brought him the most difficulties. Because Draxum scheduled him for a weigh-in at the pediatrician.

Twice a week, first thing in the morning. Each day was extremely stressful for him. His weight would drop very quickly. Too quickly, but it gave him satisfaction.

'And do I dream again? For now I find.

The phantom of the Opera is here, inside my mind.'

As October rolled around, his weight stopped dropping.

Something else happened in October. Leo had an appointment with a psychiatrist.

He remembered very little of what he heard from the doctor. His head was pounding, his thoughts were foggy. The stress that was taking over his body was enormous, and... Well, the psychiatrist didn't like Leo's answers.

Not his fault. She had too many questions about food.

"Let's see, what is your opinion on pasta?" I crave some right now.

"Out of question." He said instead. His voice was slow. Too slow. He didn't want to talk with her. 

"How about rice?" Dad used to make it when we were sick. I wish I could eat it again.

"Don't like it."

"Potatoes, maybe?" Oh, mashed, baked, as fries or as in a casserole, everything seems so delightful. Please.

"Hate it, actually."

"Well... What about bread? Maybe dark? Wholegrain?" I would kill for a white bread with butter.

"It's a no." 

"Uh... What about... Eggs?" Oh, to taste an omlette or scrambled eggs right now... Or put it with that buttered bread in a sandwich...

"No." 

And the woman quickly realized that it was pointless. She asked Draxum to come inside the room, and Leo was asked to leave the room.

He later learned that he had been prescribed antidepressants.

'Sing once again with me, our strange duet.

My power over you grows stronger yet.'

On the way home, he wrote an entry in the notes on his phone.

"Dear Diary,

My name is Leonardo.

More precisely, my name is Leonardo Hamato. However, others may known me from my other nicknames. Some of them more, some less connected to my real one, or those that were made because of some anectodes. Leo, Leon. Nardo, Neon-Leon, Blue. Prime-Time. 

It's not even important. I just need to keep my hands busy. 

Today, I cut myself with dad's razor. Don't ask details. 

What I want to emphasize is that, no matter what, it's just... It's me. It has always been me. I am ME. Leonardo Hamato.

My story is hard... To tell with just words. My story is one of those you can't say in public. It's like a strike of terror, sudden wave of frost in the heat, like a drop of rain in the summer.

To live in my body is like a challenge not many can take up. Even tho I don't like to think about it as I don't exactly know what 'normal life' feels like. Maybe everyone lives their own hell on the earth, maybe the only thing I know is my own flame. 

But I'm still standing, and the world still keeps a soul like mine. Even tho now it's my turn to control it. 

As I'm tired of seeing without any sense of feeling. I'm tired of being a empty body hidden in the darkness, I want to glance.

It's been so long since I last felt alright. A lot of stress appeared in my life. But I know it the best, don't I? I'm too stressed to even function. I can't control it yet. The solutions others are using, those aren't working for me. Sometimes I feel like people don't understand what kind of emotions are hidden for me, in this one small word. I connect it to the pain, tears, fear, panic, if I were to count how many times stress took control over me, I would - oh sweet irony - go stressed about it. 

I feel stressed writing those words. 

What surprises me is the fact that every other day gives me nothing but more and more causes of stress. 

The time flow. No plans for the future. The possibility of failure. Loneliness, getting old, my mental and physical health. 

My weight.

I don't want to live like that anymore. I don't want to live. I feel like the world is small. Too small for me. I feel like I'm a burden. My ego is bouncing, falling somewhere in the corner. My legs don't wanna walk anymore. My hands are getting numb all the time. My eyes are seeing only black or white stains. My voice, I don't even want to use it anymore. People are telling me I'm talking too slow. Well, no, they're just talking too much and too fast. I can't even catch what they're saying. 

Today I saw my doctor. Dad found her somewhere, God know where, he probably got a contact from my therapist. It was the first time I visited her, she... I don't remember what she told me, but she said I may suffer from depression. She gave me some pills. My first thought? 

I'm not depressed, you whore, it's just no one except for me can see how much of a bullshit existing is. Donnie can see, that's why he's a fucking stoner and junkie. He also lost weight. He can eat everything, he eats everything. And he still loses weight. But I think no one noticed it except for me. 

And I can't understand it! He's eating more than an adult fucking elephant, he can eat whatever he wants to, why can't I? Last time I saw him, he ate three donuts, a whole pizza (plus sauce), two chocolate bars and three buns with mayonnaise. For balance. 

300*2 600

1800 

200(?)

600*2 1200 

400*2 800

100+- 

That's like... 4700 calories.

I ate 25 calories yesterday and I lost nothing since then. How the fuck is it supposed to work?"

'And though you turn from me to glance behind,

The Phantom of the Opera is there, inside your mind.'

Everything changed on october eight.

He heard a knock on the doors. And he was expecting to find Donatello there, and well, he was right.

But he definitely didn't expect seeing Donnie in the presence of two adult men in police uniforms. Oh, to add, Donnie in handcuffs in the presence of two adult men in police uniforms. They showed Leo their identity cards.

"Police officers Jonathan Smith, William Martin. May I talk with your parents?" 

Leo died inside. Leonardo heard a loud scream. He noticed a white stain in front of his eyes, one so huge it didn't want to disappear. His vision was blurred.

"Donnie?" Was the first and only thing he said. His twin didn't look at him. His face was empty, no expression visible. He tried to catch his arm, get him inside but was shoved away by the older man.

"Stay away kid or we will have a problem." The man said, grabbing Leo harshly by the arm and pushing him aside.

"But I!" Leo tried again, still trying to hold onto Donnie. No results.

Each word he said met with tiredness growing inside him.

"I said." The man said again, and that's when Leo noticed Donnie's expression changed. He was mad, his brows were furrowed.

"Leave him alone for fucks sa-" He tried to shove the officers but was punched in the stomach. "Ouch." 

Leo didn't notice they had company. He heard Raph's voice behind his back.

"Dad?" 

Draxum came to the doors, right behind Leo. He grabbed his shoulder lightly, trying to move him so he could see what was happening. Leo was still shocked, he couldn't move.

"What's going..." Draxum started, but had gone silent for a minute after noticing Donatello in the company of police. "What the hell happened?" He asked with a clear worry on his face. Donatello was looking at Leo.

"Are you father of his?" The younger officer asked. His voice was more calm than the older man's one.

"Yes, yes I am." Their dad tried to be calm, but he was too worried. His voice was trembling. "Have he done something wrong?" 

"We are compelled to search through the house." Leo's hands were shaking. "As we suspect your son to be in possesion of illegal substances." His eyes got bigger. He truly wished Donnie hid the drugs right. He was so scared, he felt close to fainting there and then. He tried, once again, to get closer to Donnie. He got shoved again, this time much harder which caused a long whine of pain from him. "I said stay away kid, my last warning."

"Or what will you do-" Donnie tried to fight again, worried about his younger twin, only to got kick on the back of his head. Tears started running down Leo's numb face.

"Calm down Leo." He heard Draxum saying, but everything had gone white. He wasn't sure what happened.

He woke up in his dad's arms, seeing Donatello entering his own room with police officers. His dad guided him to his own room and put him on the bed. 

Leo was crying, whining into the pillow. He grabbed his unicorn plushie and hugged him tight. Donatello bought him it on their twelve birthday. 

What if he lost his brother?

"Open the shelves, young man." Policeman ordered and Donnie looked at him like he would look at an idiot. 

"I am afraid I am unable too." He said and moved his cuffed hands under his back. He heard the younger man's laugh. 

"Right. So stay aside and don't move." The man said and started checking all his shelves. Then he looked under his bed, under the mattres. Under the pillows, he even opened the linen to find out if he didn't hide it there. 

He checked his bathroom, his wardrobe, even his socks. His dirty clothes from the floor. The only thing they found was a box of cigarettes and a lighter. 

Also, an old can of beer from who knows when. 

"What's this?" He asked, holding the can.

"Beer, I think." Donatello answered, fighting the chuckle. Heck, was he nervous. 

"Go easy on the kid, John. You were young once, too." The younger man said. He was more likeable, Donnie decided. 

"Drinking alcohol underage is illegal." 

"No one said I was the one drinking it." Donnie answered as fast as he could. The police officer decided not to talk more about it. 

"You're lucky there is nothing too suspicious." The police said and Donnie fought the urge to laugh. He knew he won this game. If they didn't find anything in his room, they won't find anything anyway. "But we will still check the other rooms in this house." 

They were in Leo's room. Donnie was truly worried about him. He noticed him falling to the ground before the police took him to his room. He was damn thankful for their dad for taking him to bed. He wanted to react, of course. But what he got back was a kick on the stomach and the back of his legs. He was damn mad that they had to search through his room.

Donnie was standing next to Leo. He almost shred a tear when he noticed the boy holding on the plushie unicorn for his damn life. He couldn't hug him, couldn't hold his hand, but what he could do was stand next to him near the bed and give him one finger to hold. He couldn't see Leo's reaction to that but he felt it when Leonardo held his finger strong, as if he never wanted to let go.

"What are those?" One of the policeman asked once he grabbed a pack of pills. Leo got scared a little. It wasn't illegal to have medicines in your room, was it?

"My... Medications." He said, his voice trembling. The policeman sent him a confused look before he went to read what was written on the back of the box.

"And what are those for?" He asked. Leo was scared to answer. He couldn't understand why, tho! It wasn't unusual to use antidepressants, right? He still felt like a weirdo. 

"I..." He tried, but nothing came out.

"My brother is under psychiatric threatment, sir." Donnie said for him.

"What for?" The policeman was looking at them with not so nice expression.

Were those questions really necessary?

"Depression." It was Leo who finally said. He just wanted it to be over. "And, uh, eating disorders." He added. He could hear the man chuckling.

"Yeah, I see." He said and sent Leo a look. "Could eat more, you know?" It was the finish line. He felt another tear running down his face. 

Leo could feel Donnie trying to clench his hands in fists, but relaxed it. Instead, he squeezed Leo's finger harder. 

They both noticed the younger policeman furrowing his brows. 

"And this? Are those drugs?" 

And now Leo wanted to laugh, but also to scream and leave. A colorful tums candies he hid in his shelf when uncle Todd gave him those as a gift. He never ate them, he forgot about them, some of them spilled and siadle tums layed scattered inside. He heard Donnie laughing out loud, the younger policeman chuckled, too. Leo just shook his head. 

"John, I think those are candies." William, that's what Leo thought his name was if he remembered correctly, said. Johnny smelled them to check it, they were right, it smelled like fruit. 

He grabbed the box and threw it on Leo.

"You should eat those." He said with a fake smile on his face. Leo looked up at him, hurt. 

"I have enough of this." Donnie started, angry. It was another level of pain for Leo to see him in that state while handcuffed. Why was he even handcuffed? It made no sense. "There is literally nothing suspicious here and yet you still check his room, what for? To make fun of his problems?" His brother finished. He noticed a look of annoyance on the man's face and the other one, William, was clearly tired of the things that were happening. 

"We're only doing what we have to do." John answered. He had gotten a fast response from the other man.

"No, he's right." He started. Leo liked this one more. He was more... human like. "This boy's room is clean and neat, he's tired of that. You see he needs a break." Leo wanted to smile, but was, in fact, too tired. "Let's just leave. There's nothing in here." 

"We're still checking the house." John stayed adamant, William eyerolled. Then, he stepped closer to him and whispered something into his ear. 

"Fine." John said and looked at Donnie, then at Leo and then at Donnie again. The younger policeman grabbed something from his pocket. Leo noticed a pair of keys. He grabbed Donnie lightly and got to his hands to free him. The first thing Donnie did was shake his hands to feel them again, they were stiff and cold, itchy. Leo smiled. It meant it was over. 

"You're okay, kid. Remember, drugs are illegal and can cause you more problems than help." William smiled at him and put a hand on Donnie's shoulder. Donnie smiled, but Leo could see it was forced. Then, they both went towards the door, Donnie could hear the older man saying something like 'he won't listen anyways' or something like that, Donnie didn't give a fuck, really. He was happy he didn't got caught. 

Of course he had fucking drugs hidden in his fucking room. They just... Didn't find them. 

The police officers left and went straight to talk to their father, Donnie felt Leo grabbing his wrist and inviting him on the bed next to him. Donatello was embarrassed to look at him. He was the cause of the problem. 

Yet, Leo didn't give a damn about it. He clinged to him strong and pulled him to lay down. They were both on the bed with Leo glued to his side, tears already started to dry. He could notice Don was shaking.

"Sorry." Was the one and only thing Donnie was able to say. Leo shook his head. 

"What... Happened?" Leon asked, but... Donnie didn't answer. He never did. 

Donatello only now had time to think about what actually had happened. 

'Those who have seen your face, draw back in fear.'

On october sixteen, Leo asked his parents to come to his room to talk with him. He was after a visit at the doctor's. It was harder than the last one.

"What do you want to talk about?" Draxum asked first. Both he and Yoshi stepped inside and closed the doors. Leo made some space on his bed and Draxum sat down on it.

"You know, I..." Leo scratched his neck. What did he want to talk about? Why did he even ask for that? Everything seemed to be harder now. "I noticed you were acting weird in my presence. Or you know, just towards me, really." Yoshi frowned after his words.

"And you're..." However, Draxum cut him mid-sentence. 

"Hush, Yoshi." Splinter had gone quiet. "Leo, let us explain it." Draxum started and put a hand on Leonardo's own. "We've talked with your brothers, Donatello talked with us about his worries. But we didn't really know what to do at first, we... I must admit, we thought it was just a phase."

"But what are you talking about?" Leo asked, unsure.

"We know what Anorexia is, Leo." What? "We've read about it on the internet." Splinter explained, but Leo looked to the side. He wasn't ready for that conversation. 

He knew that he might be suffering. He just couldn't believe it yet. 

'I am the mask you wear.'

"We are just tired, Leo. We are tired of looking how you waste yourself, not because of you, but because of what are you doing to yourself." This was bullshit. 

Tears appeared in Leon's eyes.

"I'm feeling good. Don't know what you want." 

"We know you're not okay." Draxum sighed.

"We're gonna have an eye on you until the rest of the week. If nothing changes, I'm gonna talk with a doctor and see what else can we do."

"What?" Leo suddenly looked up at him. What did it mean? Did it mean... Hospitalization? Police? What the, court, or what?!

"We can't hide the fact that hospitalization might be the only option."

"You're joking. You're just..." Leo shoved Draxum's hand away. "Am I really such a burden?" His voice was trembling. Everything was cold. 

"You're not a burden. We do it because we love you." 

"If you loved me, you would understand me." Leo sobbed. "You're doing it to spite me. Why are you against me? What am I supposed to do, how should I feel?" He wanted to throw something, he grabbed a pillow and he wanted to throw it, but Draxum calmly took it away.

"You need to save your organism and yourself. Leo, your heart will not take it..." Draxum put a hand on Leonardo's chest. "Show your beautiful smile and help yourself. Because we all love you."

Love you. Yeah, fuck you. 

'It's me they hear.'

Leonardo had absolutely had enough.

His stomach really hurt and his thoughts were completely overwhelming.

He couldn't even focus on anything else. All he could think about was vomiting, stomach ache and eating. Non-stop, over and over, twenty-four by seven. Nothing, absolutely nothing helped. It was embarrassing, it was tiring, it was irritating.

There were moments when the feeling of guilt, regret and discomfort became so strong that he felt like ending his life. Anything, just so he wouldn't feel that pain anymore.

But if he was about to die, he would first want to look beautiful. Thin.

So day after day, constantly, he was fighting with himself. A fight for life and for the death.

When death meant victory and life was weakness.

Because whoever lived was healthy. And Leo was not well.

They told him that they would be waiting for him downstairs. So Leo headed to the dining room. As he walked down the corridor, he felt the pain in his head getting stronger and stronger, so intense that it seemed to twist his skull so much that it was about to break.

Something was going to happen that day, he felt it.

And suddenly he felt the same way how he felt when he noticed the police officers in their house. He had no idea why they were there back then.

He didn't have a chance to talk with Donatello. But something happened and one one told him what. He had a feeling that it was all his fault.

But he hoped he would find out what happened, soon.

He could clearly see the non-existent blood on his hands, and he was tempted to smear it all over his face - or taste it.

When he finally reached the room, he noticed that everyone was looking at his askance. Was it all in his head or did he do something he didn't know yet that would end badly?

Until finally, without thinking long, he asked, actually shouted so his voice would bounce in the entire room:

"What the hell happened?" And it was then when his image suddenly became... Snowy, even foggy. He lost his vision for a split second, and then he realized that... No one was looking at him at all. Well, maybe until then, because now everyone curiously turned towards him to see what the hell just happened.

But... He saw a new silhouette of the man in the corner of the room.

Was this...

'In all your fantasies, you always knew.

That man and mystery were both in you.'

Leo froze for a few seconds, looking at the man who was now scowling at him, his mouth twisted into a smirk.

However, it didn't look polite, more like a threat. Whatever that meant for little Leon.

Leo's dead eyes, empty within, tried to analyze the entire room once again.

Because maybe it was another one of his hallucinations, maybe it was just psychosis, or maybe...

'And in this labirynth were night is blind...'

It was then that Leon felt like he was losing the ground under his feet. His stomach tightened - he felt like vomiting.

"Leonardo, you've turned pale." A voice suddenly said from behind him. It was Draxum. He was standing behind Leon with a small bowl. 

"I swear, I saw..." Leon tried to say, but soon he realised no words left his mouth. He looked around the room. The silhouette vanished. No one was there, no one expect for his family. 

They were all together, Mikey and Raph both sitting by the table, Donatello standing next to them and Splinter was still in the kitchen, but he was just making tea for all. He blinked a few times. 

Draxum put a bowl on the table, on the place opposite to Mikey and Raph. He then spoke up.

"Leonardo, your doctor said you have to eat it." The apple was grated into pulp and mixed with natural yogurt. Eighty, one hundred... Add about twenty to make sure. Two hundreds it was. Or anywhere around. 

"I'm not hungry." 

"Leonardo." 

And he cried, cried like a baby when he had to eat that damn awful apple. 

What they didn't know is that he knew exactly how to do it, how to not eat it without them realizing. It was like, a first thing a person with such problem learns how to do. 

So he took one small spoonful. And he kept chewing it, unnecessarily long before he decided it was a safe ground to take another spoonful, put it in his mouth and carefully spit it on the rest of the apple he had harvested on it, chewing on the air instead. 

The worst part of it was that the whole room was quiet. He could only hear his own chewing and the sound of spoon, plus the breathe of his family members. When he looked up hesitantly, he noticed all three of his brothers looking at him with a worry painted on their faces. 

Even Donatello said nothing. That was new.

'The Phantom of the Opera is here, inside my mind.'

The next day, Draxum left Leo home alone. His brothers were busy doing something in the city and Splinter was somewhere with Donatello, they both looked terrified before they left the house, but Leo didn't know what happened.

Draxum texted Leonardo to eat the pasta he prepared earlier. Leo threw it into the toilet.

He barely remembered that day. He felt like sleeping all the time. It wasn't anything particularly new, it wasn't anything strange.

But in the evening, Draxum returned, all nervous.

They were supposed to go to see a therapist. Halfway there, dad took out a fruit puree from his pocket and said that Leo should eat it later.

Leo nodded but knew he wouldn't do it. Meanwhile, Draxum received a phone call. He looked terrified. Leo was worried it was something about Donatello, but Draxum didn't say anything.

During the conversation he had with his therapist, he mentioned his fear of the hospital. His psychologist assured him not to be nervous about it. It also turned out that she knew about the mousse his father had left for him. She told him to take it and eat it.

Leo missed the sweet so much, but swallowing it felt awful. He knew he had no choice, tho.

But when he went outside with his therapist to find Draxum and pay for the visit, his life changed forever.

"Your doctor called. We're going to the hospital."

Chapter Text

I walk a lonely road

The only one that I have ever known

"Miss Kendra Byers wrote a note in her diary, I quote. 'You're always stoned. Even I don't take this many pills. One day you'll, curse word, overdose and you'll see how it is.'" 

Donnie had to wipe his eyes. He didn't get enough sleep for all that. You can say, his mind was dulled. 

"Do you know who was she writing about?" Who knows. Jason? Maybe. He was usually the one to make troubles with his addiction.

"I... No? How am I supposed to know?" But he wasn't the one to talk. 

"I'm... Allow me to skip the curse words, I'm dying Donatello, I'm dying and you don't even care to call me" And this...

Let's just say, Donnie would never expect to hear his own name written in her diary. 

But it wasn't the most important. Kendra was... Seeking for him. Needing him. She needed him so much, too much even and Donnie didn't hear her, he was... He was blind. All he cared about was his own ass, how could he be so stupid?

Kendra was too pure for the likes of this world. For her? This world was a whore. 

"Later she says... Well, writes, 'you probably chill on your three feet thick mattress, smoking joints.' Does it sound familiar?" It did. It did sound familiar.

Read between the lines

What's fucked up, and everything's alright 

When Donnie was on cloud nine, Kendra was dying. When he felt like a God himself, when he was feeding himself on the most pleasant vibrations of his mind and soul - Kendra was choking on her own saliva, her tears. Her world was on fire and no one could save her but Donnie.

And he still failed to do so. 

How many times Donnie complained about his life, never did a thought cross his mind about how lost he was. 

But maybe he was dying, too? A part of him wanted to get any explanations. A part of him wanted to defend that side of him, the blood he felt on his hands, the... 

No. Life wasn't easy for him, too, yes? He had a brother who had problems...

Problems... Bigger than his own ones... 

Leo...

...

No.

Take his name out of your mouth, you don't deserve to mourn.

Donnie had it easy. His life was a heaven on earth. It was Leo who was hurting.

'Nothing's fair in love and war, as the war's like worm, and it causes a storm.

What is fair in love and war if I never loved, but I'm hurting more?' 

Donnie had no rights to even think that his problems were ever as harsh as Leo's ones. Leo was the victim. Donnie didn't have to victimize himself. 

Leo and Kendra were the ones who deserved better. They should be thankful, should enjoy their lifes and the sweet euphoria, live like life was utopian.

Donnie's problems were... Mere, actually. 

On the borderline

Of the edge, and where I walk alone

Leo and Kendra were Donnie's opposites. They never feared the reaper, they begged for the infinity. 

"I had no idea these notes exist." He said, trying hard to act like he didn't care. He shrugged. 

A power to look up seemed to vanish completely, he knew he wasn't gonna be saved. 

"And listening to my... Playlist that I shared with you, my... Playlist that I created to have something to listen to when I'll finally decide to end my life. You don't even, ekhem, care." 

'He didn't know when Kendra got her phone from her pocket and played some music, it wasn't loud but it was enough for them to hear it and shake their heads to the rhythm.'

Silence.

"Donnie would probably like it, he always talks about Christus when he's high."

'Jesus Christus. He stands here, In my heart'

Silence.

"Who is Leonardo?" The voice of the police officer woke Donnie. He looked up, finally, and noticed disgusting eyes studying all his face features. 

Donnie was playing with his fingers, unsure about the question. Hearing this name alone made him want to kick the man. 

"My brother." He answered with a voice lower than he ever thought would be possible. 

"But take care of him, at least for as long as you can. Fly high, Leonardo," It broke Donnie.

With his fists clenched, he slammed them on the table. The handcuffs he had on made an unpleasant sound and he wanted nothing more than to break those. 

"Excuse me?" 

One of the officers stood up, ready to intervene. Donatello had to clench his teeth. 

"What?"

"What does fly high mean?" He asked pretentiously, as if they were responsible for whatever was in the notebook.

And yet, the fury inside him made him disgusted towards Kendra for writing such a thing.

"You're gonna ask me this kind of question instead of answering my ones about Kendra's suicide attempt?" 

"Then why do you read me pages when she mentions my brother?" Donnie was holding back his tears. 

Kendra didn't know Leo. She didn't know the real Leo. She hadn't talked to him, she couldn't have known about most of the things. But she knew psychology. Did she know something that Donnie didn't? Something that neither of them knew?

She knew Leo from Donnie's stories, tho. 

Some of them were neither true nor pleasant. They actually cursed his twin's good name.

Donnie had never wanted to spit out his words so bad.

"What was her relation with your brother?" Oh, what a question. 

"They don't know each other. Leo doesn't even know she exists." Or maybe he knew.

Donnie didn't remember anything himself. Half the things he and Kendra talked about slipped from his mind. The other half - they were the ones he wanted to forget.

You may wonder why Donnie agreed to have this conversation in the first place. Why was he at the police station with them, handcuffed?

Well. Shortly after the police searched through their family house for the first time, they appeared there again. They took him along with his father, supposedly for a short talk.

So nice it was that the police recognized him, more or less. They realized he might have had something to do with Kendra's situation after analyzing the diaries.

But it wasn't just about Kendra. Much more focus was paid to drugs that somehow ended up in the hands of the police.

And that's where he sat, with his father on the other side of the wall, waiting for his son, waiting to go home with him and give him a lifetime ban for everything, and yet...

No one would have expected Donnie to end up in a ward on rehab.

Not right away, of course. He got a referral and had to talk to a specialist-therapist first. And later, who knows, maybe he would have some kind of guardian for the rest of his life.

How lost he was.

Don't know where it goes

But it's home to me, and I walk alone

However, he still had time to enjoy his freedom. As soon as he returned home that day, something hurt in his soul. Something was very wrong. He looked at his phone, October 17. It wasn't late, but no one was home.

No.

Everyone was home. There was Mikey, there was Raph, there was Splinter who almost immediately locked himself in the bedroom, not ready to talk to his son.

Draxum and Leo were gone.

Where the city sleeps

And I'm the only one, and I walk alone

He smelled something delicious coming from the kitchen. He could hear some mumbled talking, he headed towards the source. 

"Where's Leo?" He asked Mikey and Raph who were there. They were cooking something. 

"He went to see his therapist." Ah. Of course. It was this time of the week.

He truly wished that therapy was doing any good, it wasn't. Leo was getting worse and worse. 

"Oh." 

"Should be back in like, thirty minutes." That's.. Okay, that's completely fine.

He didn't know if he had the courage to look into his twin's eyes after what he heard and thought about. 

"Good." He faked a smile. "What are you cooking?"

"Low calorie pasta." Mikey answered with a bright smile. "I know Leo won't eat it, but... I just thought, maybe, maybe he would agree?" He wouldn't. 

"He isn't..." Donnie took a deep breath, "I... Let's hope he will. He did good yesterday." He didn't. Donnie noticed how he would spit every portion of his food and heard him going to toilet after. 

No reasons to worry his brothers about it. The less you know, the better you sleep. 

"If he won't, I'll cut him an apple." Raph answered taking a bite of said fruit. "He has to eat something." He shrugged but even Donnie could sense that he was faking his carelessness. 

"I won't look at him getting worse and worse everyday and do nothing." Mikey sighed. Donnie frowned.

"I'm... I'm proud of you. And thankful, that you do so much for him." 

"You do a lot of things for him, too." Mikey answered Donnie, it met with a wave of guilt. 

He knew he only made it worse for Leo. He hoped Leo would forgive him one day. 

"I'm not sure."

"It was you who noticed it first." Raph tried to reassure him. "And you called Hueso to help. You talked with him when we couldn't." 

"But I..."

"Whatever you think, we know this is hard for you, too." Mikey hugged him from behind. Donnie really felt like crying now. "You deserve a break, too. Don't be harsh on yourself. You did the best you could do."

"Now it's time you thought of yourself as well." 

Check my vital signs

To know I'm still alive, and I walk alone

An hour passed. Then, another one. The brothers got worried, even more when Splinter left the house in a rush and never said a word about where he was heading. 

"You think it's about Leo?" Mikey asked, his voice quiet and worried. Raph furrowed his brows. 

Donnie started scratching his hands. He knew his feeling was right, he hated it. 

"Maybe... Draxum's car is broken, maybe he's about to pick them up." Donnie said with a fake smile, trying his hardest to sound positive. 

"It's rare when you're the optimistic one." Raph sent him an asking look. 

"I... Yeah, for a pessimist, I'm pretty optimistic." Donnie shrugged. 

They decided to watch a movie of a random choice. Donatello didn't even remember any detail from the film, the only thing he remembered was the moment when Draxum and Splinter came back. 

Without Leo.

Suddenly, his heart was shattered into pieces. His mind was fogged. The only thing he heard was Mikey's slowly fastening sobs and Raph's shallow breaths. 

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me

My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating

Sometimes, I wish someone out there will find me

'Til then, I walk alone

Chapter Text

Hello,

I realize that sharing this message may create some false hope, but I feel it is important to address something with you. 

I have not been active on this account for almost a year, primarily due to a major project on my other account, which I began shortly after posting the first chapter of "When You Fade Away" and which I am still working on.

The support and kind comments I have received for this work have been... Heartwarming. So many people have expressed their appreciation for WYFA, and it's hard to imagine anything could replace the special place this project holds in my heart.

That being said, after some time, I began to find the fanfiction a bit overwhelming - both due to the subject matter and because it was my first long work shared publicly. At the time, I was still experimenting with my writing style. When I began WYFA, I was inexperienced. My English was not at the level it is now, and I had neither the knowledge nor the skills to execute the story as I envisioned. While the plot had always been clear to me in its entirety, I eventually found myself lost along the way.

A lot has changed during my break from this project. My writing skills have improved significantly, I’ve been studying English at university, and I’ve gained both experience and a better understanding of my personal style.

Looking back at WYFA now, I can’t help but notice the mistakes. The lack of consistency in chapter lengths, the plot holes, and the inconsistencies with the characters all stand out to me. I know that when I first started, I gave it my all, but the results fell short. If I were to finish the fanfiction with these unresolved issues, I would feel a deep sense of dissatisfaction.

Therefore, I wanted to assure anyone still waiting for new chapters that they are coming. SOMEDAY. However, before I continue with the next chapters, I intend to focus on improving the entire work, especially the earlier chapters. I want to infuse the story with the heart and quality that I wasn’t able to achieve when I first started.

Once the improvement is complete, I will continue with the new chapters, and this announcement will disappear. 

Thank you all for your patience. Please know that I am not abandoning WYFA.