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Ted knew this was a bad idea. Hooking up with your ex always led to someone getting hurt. It was universal knowledge, like how you shouldn’t wear white after Labor Day. On the other hand, the chick at the end of the bar was rocking a pair of white thigh highs and Ted and Robin’s arrangement blessed them with two weeks of peace.
So, Ted figured no one was going to get hurt because they weren’t in love anymore. That ship sailed long ago, and Ted was done swimming after it. Their friends, however, seemed to have different ideas. And to be clear, Ted and Robin never planned on telling them and making things a bigger deal than it really was. It was entirely Marshall’s fault with his inability to “read a magazine” at work. The dude had his own bathroom but insisted on doing it in theirs. So that night at the bar, Ted and Robin were the hot topic.
“So, wow. You two slept together,” Barney said, sounding slightly pained. Ted expected Barney to be the one high-fiving him, making inappropriate jokes about being roommates, and then proceeding to tell some tall tale about how he too banged a roommate.
“That is awf-some. Awfsome. Nice work, Ted. Tap that.” But his voice didn’t hold the same enthusiasm.
“It sounds like a bigger deal than it is,” Robin protested under Lily’s judgemental gaze.
“Yeah we talked it over and we both realized we’ve had a rough couple of months. We deserve a little fun,” Ted shrugged.
“No,” Lily argued. “This could wind up ruining your friendship. When two exes try to just be casual, someone always winds up getting hurt.”
Lily was usually right about things like this, despite not having a proper ex herself (no, Scooter does not count). However, Ted and Robin were both adults, and they talked it over, setting up ground rules, making sure they were on the same page, and establishing the fact that they were, in fact, not going to be doing it while cooking.
“And now that we’re hooking up, we’re not fighting anymore,” Robin said.
“Problem solved,” Ted added. “Actually the credit belongs to Barney.”
Barney looked up at the mention of his name. “Actually this whole idea came out of your thing about world peace,” Ted said, grinning at him, hoping for some sort of reaction but instead was met with a blank stare.
“Yeah thanks Barney. You were right. Peace was achieved. Repeatedly,” Robin smirked, high fiving Ted.
“So I’m responsible for,” he said, pointing between them. “…Excellent. Excellent. Excellent.” Barney pushed back from his seat and got up. “Next rounds on me!” he yelled, stalking away. Lily jumped up after him.
Ted looked back to see Lily furiously whispering with Barney, who immediately got defensive before walking out the back door. Ted was about to turn back to their conversation with Marshall when he heard a small crash from outside. Barney walked back into the bar like nothing happened. Lily immediately started grilling him again. Ted turned back to Marshall complaining about how they answered the phone while doing it. It wasn’t their best idea but they were arguing about who was going to do the phone calls and came to a compromise. Ted just hoped his mother didn’t question anything..
Lily and Barney returned back to the table a few seconds later. “Awesome. We’re still talking about this.” Ted didn’t know what to make of Barney’s tone. He assumed Barney would love to listen to the dirty details but here he was sounding annoyed to hear them talk.
“Look, guys, this is a private thing between me and Ted,” Robin said, before both Ted and Robin saluted. “Private thing.” he others groaned.
“We wouldn’t even be talking about this if Marshall could read a magazine at work,” Robin continued.
And the conversation about them sleeping together ended, shifting towards Marshall’s paranoia about being judged while walking to the bathroom with a magazine. Ted’s focus wasn’t on making fun of Marshall but instead on Barney’s odd behavior. Throughout the night, Barney was more subdued, almost sulking. Ted counted him knocking back seven drinks despite the fact it was not Friday night. They wouldn’t heavily drink on the weekdays because of work the next morning, but Barney didn’t seem to care. When Ted met his eyes, Barney gave him a small smile.
By the time eleven o’clock rolled around, Barney announced that he was going home, which was weird in itself. Even if he was going to hook up with a girl he would leave at least an hour later. Ted hasn’t even seen him flirt with anyone that night, not even the girl at the end of the bar with the white thigh highs. Barney left the bar early, with no girl hanging off his arm.
Over the next few weeks, he and Robin continued their arrangement. Each time one of them got a little mad, they would drop whatever they were arguing about and have sex instead. It wasn’t the healthiest thing they did, and they should definitely talk about the problems they are having instead of fucking them out of mind. However, Ted has never been laid this much, not even when Robin and him were together.
The only problem with this setup was Barney. He’s been acting weird whenever Ted and him hung out. He was being less Barney-like, not making the usual jokes and always leaving half way through the conversation.
Ted would have thought this would be a blessing. Barney wasn’t dragging him into the usually shenanigans involving some outrageous place in the city that led into trouble. He wasn’t telling dirty stories about the girls he’s hooked up with or the made any jokes about Robin despite Ted giving him multiple openings. Hell he hasn’t even properly checked out or hit on a girl, which Ted was grateful for. But Ted wasn’t happy. He wasn’t being Barney, the sarcastic, loud, fun friend that Ted secretly liked hanging out with. He wasn’t being the obtuse asshole that he loved.
That they loved. That the group loved. Not Ted. Ted did not love Barney. No he did as a friend. He loved Barney as a friend. Come on Ted, don’t bring up these complicated feelings about your very straight friend.
With those thoughts floating through his head, Ted didn’t think before pecking Robin on the lips as he left for work. Only when he was out the door did he pause. “Shit.”
That night he talked to the guys, without Lily, and decided they should probably end whatever he and Robin were doing before it got too weird. And he did mean to end it, but the milk was empty again and Ted was frustrated with his recent attempts at hanging out with Barney. One thing led to another and they were falling back into bed again. This led to them being in the same position they were a couple weeks ago.
“What is the matter with you?” Lily said, exasperated. Barney abruptly got up and left the table. He came back ten minutes later, as if nothing happened. By then they moved on, questioning why Marshall was in their room again.Ted watched as Barney sulked again, nursing his whiskey. He called it an early night again and Ted just knew something was not right.
Ted walked into the apartment to see Barney, with rubber green gloves, taking out the trash. He watched confused as Barney threw the garbage bags down the stairs. “What are you doing?”
“Oh well since all these roomie squabbles are still causing friction between you and Robin, I figured I’d help out,” Barney said. “Oh, BTW, I went by the post office today. I picked you up some stamps. Here’s ten thousand. That ought to do you.” He tossed the stack of stamps at his chest.
Ted looked at them confused. “Oh okay. Thanks, I guess. Hey, you want some beer?” Ted opened the fridge to find it filled with cartons of milk. “Woah!”
“Yeah. I picked those up on the way over. It was nothing,” Barney answered.
“Did you buy us a dishwasher?” Ted asked, looking at the new dishwasher in their kitchen. He was pretty sure they never had a dishwasher. Right?
“No. That dishwasher’s always been there. How long have you lived here?” Ted probably would have believed him, if the yellow tag wasn’t still hanging from the handle.
“So you’re doing this to keep Robin and me from fighting, huh?”
“Exactly. I worry about you two,” Barney shrugged.
“It bothers you that Robin and I are hooking up, doesn’t it?”
Barney scoffed. “No. Not at all. That’s crazy.” He avoided Ted’s eyes.
Suddenly it clicked into place for Ted.Two exes hooking up would lead to someone getting hurt, but this time it wasn’t the two of them. It was Barney who was getting hurt.
“Are you in love with Robin?” Ted asked, ignoring the ache in his chest. It all made sense now. The reason he was so upset about him and Robin was because he was infatuated with Robin. And why wouldn’t he. Robin was amazing. She was beautiful, smart, with a quick sense of humor, similar to Barney’s. It was one of the reasons why Ted fell for her as well. But most importantly, she was a woman.
Barney whipped around to face him. “What no?” he protested, leaving the kitchen.
“You are. You’re in love with Robin,” Ted said, following him out.
“No, no, no, no, no. Are you crazy? No, no, no, no, no, Ted, seriously. No, no, no, no, no, no,” Barney denied, pacing back and forth before eventually wiping down their table with a towel.
“That’s why you have such a problem with me and Robin hooking up,” Ted insisted.
“No Ted. Look, no. I’m not in love with Robin.”
“Then why,” Ted said, grabbing Barney’s elbow before he could start pacing again. “Why are you so bothered about me hooking up with Robin.”
“I’m not. I don’t care. I just don’t want to see you fighting all the time,” Barney said, shrugging Ted off.
Ted gave him a look. Barney relented. “Fine. I just don’t want you to get hurt, Ted. You know how you get. You’re a romantic. You can’t keep up the casual thing with Robin of all people. You’re just going to get hurt.”
Which was a fair assessment if he wasn’t completely besotted with the man in front of him. Barney had a point but that wasn’t the real reason, he was upset. =“Oh come on. Seriously Barney. What’s the real reason? Are you in love with me?” Ted joked, praying Barney couldn’t hear the small bit of hope in his voice.
Ted looked back at him when he didn’t hear a response. Barney was shifting nervously from foot to foot. He caught Ted looking at and immediately started shaking his head. . “No,” he said in a high pitched voice. The one that clearly implied that he was lying. “Where could you possibly- No Ted.”
“Barney, are you in love with me?”
Barney deflated. He seemed to be weighing the pros and cons of his next words before blurting out“Yes. No! No. I meant to say no. I’m not in love with you.” He looked as if he was about to bolt out the door. Before he could Ted leapt over the armchair and shut it, preventing Barney from escaping. “Dude.”
“Barney. Since when did you like guys?” Ted couldn’t make sense of what was happening. Barney, the straightest guy he knew, might not be as straight as he first assumed.
“Since always. I thought you all knew. I go home with guys in front of you all the time.”
Ted thought back to the different nights Barney would leave with a guy. Whenever he couldn’t find a woman to hit on, he would be talking to a guy. Barney would often leave with them. Whenever that happened, Ted pushed down his jealousy at being replaced as a wingman.
“Since when did you like me?”
Barney gave him an unimpressed look. “I’m slightly embarrassed to say this, but when we first met, I was hitting on you.”
Ted’s eyes widened in surprise. “Really? No. You asked me if your story about your deaf brother was going to work on some girl at the bar.”
“That was when I realized you were straight,” Barney said, frustration coloring his voice. Ted decided to fuck it at that point. Barney practically confessed his feelings for Ted. Sure he could make Barney squirm a little, but that would be cruel. And if Ted’s being honest, he really wanted to kiss Barney.
“Who said I was?”
Barney’s head snapped up to look at him. “Y-you’re not?
“I don’t think someone straight would be in love with their guy friend for the better part of last year.”
“What about Robin?” Barney asked. Ted shrugged. He did love her, but like he said, that ship sailed long ago.
“Ted?”
“Yeah, Barney.”
“Can I kiss you?”
Ted grinned, pulling the lapels of Barney’s suit and crashing their lips together. Barney’s lips were softer than he imagined and tasted like whiskey and strawberry, surprisingly. The kiss only lasted for a few seconds, but they were both panting when they pulled apart.
Barney had a wide smile on his face, matching Ted’s. “I really want to give this a chance,” Ted said.
“Surprisingly, I do, too. And I promise. I will be the best boyfriend in the world. I won’t even look at anyone else,” Barney replied.
“You're not scared of that word.”
“What?”
“Boyfriend?”
Barney kissed him again, just a faint brush of the lips, but Ted found himself chasing after it, when he pulled away. “No. Not with you.”
Ted was about to kiss him again, but Barney moved away. “You do have to stop your thing with Robin, though.” People were right about hooking up with exes, but just this one time it had a happy ending.