Chapter Text
At twenty years old, Yosuke Hanamura had never had anyone confess their love to him.
Which was fine, really! Not everyone could be like Souji, who attracted love confessions like a magnet. Yosuke could be the one to confess, and he was fine with that. Good with it, even. After all, weren’t guys supposed to be the ones who took charge? Granted, he hadn’t really ever confessed to a girl, not in the dramatic “I’ve loved you for so long” way people did on TV, but he’d asked plenty of girls out, and a few had even said yes. College had been good for both his self-confidence and his dating life. Here he was just Yosuke, not the Junes kid, not a newcomer from the big city, just another student. Some people liked him, some people didn’t, but however they felt about him, it was about him, not about his family or where he came from. It was a nice change of pace, even if he hadn’t made any friends as good as the crew from Inaba. That wasn’t really anyone’s fault; there was just something about battling through a nightmarish television dimension with people that really bonded you for life, and sitting next to someone in a business class couldn’t really compare.
Still, if anyone had asked, Yosuke would have said he and Hiroshi Yagami were friends. Not best friends--no one was ever taking that title from Souji--but pretty good friends, the kind who shared notes and ate lunch together after class sometimes. He told Hiroshi about his band and Hiroshi had come to a couple of their gigs, which had been cool, and when Hiroshi invited Yosuke to his art show, it seemed only right to go in return. There wasn’t any reason not to become better friends with Hiroshi, after all.
But he didn’t know what to tell Souji. Of course, he knew Souji wouldn’t care. Souji was the kind of guy who was always going to things. If anything, Souji probably would have asked to come along, and something about that felt weird to Yosuke. It was a public art show, anyone could go, but Hiroshi had asked him, and he hadn’t said “Can I bring my roommate?” and the fact that he kind of wanted to bring his roommate felt like a reason he shouldn’t. Even after four years, Yosuke couldn’t help feeling like Souji was a bit of a safety net for him, someone who came along and made social situations easier, even though half the time he said something weird and/or embarrassing. Weird and embarrassing were somehow charming on Souji.
So he just told Souji he had a class thing, which was kind of true, and took the train to Hiroshi’s show alone and immediately regretted not bringing Souji, because now he was alone at some weird art show, pretending to know things about art. All around him there were people having interesting conversations about what the paintings meant, when all Yosuke could see was blobs of color.
Modern art was not his thing. Even non-modern art was a struggle.
He walked around slowly, pretending to study each piece, until he found one of Hiroshi’s to actually look at. Thankfully, it was actually pretty cool, a black canvas with pinpricks of color coming through, like a rainbow of stars. He was leaning in close, checking out the brushstrokes to see how it was done, when he heard Hiroshi’s voice behind him. “Yosuke! You came.”
He turned with a grin. “Yeah, man, of course! I wouldn’t miss it. Is this your only piece here? It’s amazing.”
Hiroshi ducked his head, a small smile playing on his lips. He would be the humble type. “I’ve got a couple, actually.”
To Yosuke’s profound relief, all of Hiroshi’s paintings were cool. He would have lied if he had to, but it was a lot easier to just be able to honestly gush. And even once they were done looking at Hiroshi’s stuff, Hiroshi took him to the next piece, telling him what he knew about the artist and the story behind it, like Yosuke was actually the kind of guy who would appreciate this stuff. Like he might have something interesting to say about it.
He didn’t, obviously, but he muddled through as best he could, and Hiroshi laughed at all the things he said that were supposed to be jokes and didn’t laugh at the things that were supposed to be profound observations, which was more of a win than Yosuke had been expecting.
“Thanks again for coming,” Hiroshi said, once they’d finished their circuit and returned to Hiroshi’s first piece.
“Yeah, of course.”
“Do you maybe want to get something to eat?”
Yosuke frowned. “You don’t need to stick around? It’s your show, right?”
“No, it’s fine. I don’t really need to be here. I’d rather hang out with you.”
Even now, it wasn’t the sort of thing Yosuke was used to hearing, and it hit his weak spot like lightning. He’d never figured out how to say no to people who picked him.
“Then yeah, let’s get something to eat.”
Outside, the February air was crisp and the evening had darkened from dusk into night. Hiroshi said he knew a place, so Yosuke let him lead the way. They walked in companionable silence, Yosuke nodding along to a beat in his head, until Hiroshi cleared his throat. “I’m really glad you came tonight.”
Yosuke snorted. “Yeah, dude, you keep saying.”
Hiroshi’s laugh came out as a visible huff. “I know, I know. It’s just--I’ve been trying to figure this out for a while.”
“Figure what out?”
“How to spend more time with you. How to--” He cleared his throat. “I’ve been wanting to ask you out, to be honest.”
Time moved very slowly for Yosuke. For the first second, his mind scrambled for other explanations. Maybe he meant as friends, but they’d already gone out together as friends, it wasn’t something Hiroshi would have to figure out. Maybe this was some new kind of going out, like leveling up their friendship, but that didn’t make sense either.
In the second second, he just accepted it: Hiroshi wanted this to be a date. A few years ago, the thought would have been terrifying, and, okay, it still was, a little bit, but he’d grown up since high school. He’d met a couple of the guys Kanji had gone out with, one of Naoto’s girlfriends, and no one had been happier than he was when Chie and Yukiko finally figured their shit out and got together. It really didn’t bother him.
But all of that had happened to other people. He knew a bunch of his friends were gay, or bi, or whatever else, and he knew they weren’t contagious or dangerous, but he also knew he wasn’t one of them. If there was one thing Yosuke knew, it was that he liked girls. Girls were amazing. And just because he didn’t have any luck with them, it didn’t make him like them any less. Some cats took forever to warm up to Souji and he still liked them, so Yosuke could still like girls.
That was when he realized it had actually been a lot longer than two seconds, and he still adn’t said anything. “Oh,” was what came out.
“Sorry,” said Hiroshi, way too quickly. “I made it weird, huh? I wasn’t sure I should say anything, but…I really like you.”
And, to Yosuke’s profound surprise, his stupid heart flipped over. It was too dark for him to see the details of Hiroshi’s face, but Hiroshi was looking at him, his eyes steady and earnest, and Yosuke realized with a lurch that he was experiencing his first love confession. It wasn’t a girl, but it was someone picking him. Someone wanting him.
Except for the guy part, it was a dream come true. And, well. He’d never tried it, right? Kanji liked girls too. Hell, how many times had Kanji told him he was protesting too much when he said he didn’t swing that way? He’d always been so terrified of the thought of his liking guys or guys liking him that he hadn’t really thought about a guy liking him.
“A lot of homophobia is based in the fear that queer men will treat straight men like straight men treat women,” Naoto had told him once, and at the time he’d been offended, but the more he’d thought about it, the more he realized she was right. He’d thought Kanji thought of him how he thought of Rise, which was both stupid and egotistical, and it was also nothing like what Hiroshi was doing.
“Don’t apologize,” he said, flashing a smile he hoped Hiroshi could see. “You’re just giving me a lot to process.” Despite his best efforts, the question slipped out: “Did you, uh, think I was gay?”
It was absolutely the wrong thing to ask, but he’d already asked it, and now he couldn’t breathe waiting for the answer.
“I thought you wouldn’t be a dick about it,” Hiroshi huffed, and Yosuke let out a surprised laugh.
“Shit, my bad. I’m…flattered, really. And I’m not saying no. But I’ve never gone out with a guy before. I might not be any good at it.” Somehow, the more he said, the worse it got, but he couldn’t stop talking. “I mean, I’m bad at dating girls and I've at least tried that, so…”
For a minute, silence stretched between them, and Yosuke was terrified he’d start trying to fill it again. But Hiroshi rubbed his face and sighed. “Do you want to have dinner with me? Yes or no. I’m looking for just one word here, Hanamura.”
“Yes,” he said, and shut his mouth.
“Cool. Come on.”
*
“I figured it would be an easy question,” Hiroshi said, once they had their meals in front of them.
Yosuke smiled. “I did too. I thought I’d just say no.”
“So why didn’t you?”
He poked at his katsudon, unable to meet Hiroshi’s eyes. “If I thought about it, I thought about, like--someone asking me if I wanted to go out with a guy. Not someone specific, you know? Just a generic guy. Even my friend Kanji, he’s bisexual, and I was a total dick about it in high school. Not because I was thinking about going out with him, the person, just going out with guys, in general. Or, not even guys in general, this stupid idea I had in my head about what a gay guy was like. Did I mention I was a dick?”
Hiroshi was smiling faintly, at least. “Yeah, you did.”
“I never thought about anyone asking me if I wanted to go out with you. And maybe I would. Want to, I mean. If I got over myself.”
“You are out with me.”
“Exactly!” He flashed Hiroshi a grin. “Sorry, I know you didn't sign up for a sexuality crisis. I should have just said yes and freaked out at home.”
“Not no?”
Yosuke shrugged. “I'm trying to be less of an asshole.”
There was a longer pause that he was expecting. “It's not an asshole move to turn someone down for a date. It kind of is to use them as an experiment for your issues with your sexuality.”
“That's--” he started, and closed his mouth. “A good point, actually. Sorry.”
“I do like you,” Hiroshi said, and another giddy thrill went through him. “And if you decide you want to go out again, you can let me know. But, uh, maybe do a little more soul-searching on your own first.”
“Good feedback! Seriously, I am sorry. You kind of hit me in, well, a few different issues. I'm not really much of a catch, to be honest.”
Hiroshi's lips quirked up in a smile. “Don't sell yourself short. You could figure it out.”
*
Yosuke really tried to not feel like he was on a date for the rest of the meal, but it was tough. He still wasn't sure he wanted it to be a date, but he wanted Hiroshi to keep liking him, and to want to go out with him again, and he couldn't stop wondering what it would be like if Hiroshi kissed him.
His phone buzzed with a message as they were waiting for the train and he fished it out of his pocket. Souji, of course: Do you have an ETA for when you'll be home?
Guilt twisted his gut. He should have said he was getting dinner out, but he'd been so flustered, it hadn't even crossed his mind.
sry omw now lik 15 min prob
Fuck, what was he going to tell Souji? It wasn't like he'd be a dick about it, but Souji was usually his go-to person for problems. No one knew how to make things make sense like his partner.
Anything else, it would be so easy to bring up, but Yosuke felt like a liar and a hypocrite for even wondering about having a sexuality crisis. But, really, the whole thing was still so theoretical. Maybe the only reason he was interested in Hiroshi was that Hiroshi was interested in him, and that would be shitty. He had to make sure that wasn't happening, and the best way he could think to do that would be to talk to Souji.
“This is my stop,” said Hiroshi, pulling him out of his thoughts, and Yosuke smiled.
“Sorry, I got distracted, my roommate texted. But thanks for inviting me tonight. I'll see you in class?”
Something strange passed across Hiroshi’s face, but it was gone just as quickly as it appeared. “Yeah, goodnight.”
Yosuke pulled his headphones on and sunk back into his own thoughts. If Hiroshi was a girl, he would have said yes. Hell, if Hiroshi had been a girl, he probably would have asked him out weeks ago, and Hiroshi might have been the one to turn him down. Chie had told him once that he was so desperate to date anyone that girls could smell it on him, and he'd been offended at the time, but just like Naoto’s take on his homophobia, he’d come around on that.
It was just one of those nights, apparently. He was going to overthink his entire existence. Which meant he was going to talk to Souji, one way or another. He spent the whole walk back to their apartment trying to figure out what to say, but he didn't actually come up with anything good.
Souji said, “Welcome home,” from the couch and Yosuke slid off his shoes, took off his coat, and crossed into the living room, collapsing next to Souji on the couch with a slump.
“Would you go on a date with a guy?”
Yosuke’s eyes were closed, so he couldn't see Souji’s expression, just count the beats it took him to reply. “Which guy?” he asked at last.
“See, that's my thing! That matters, right?”
“Yosuke,” he said, with infinite patience. “Will you tell me what's going on?”
“I went to this art show. My classmate invited me. A guy,” he clarified. “Hiroshi. He's come to a few of my shows at the coffee shop. After his show, he asked me out on a date.”
Another pause, a few beats longer. Yosuke opened one eye to look at him, but Souji’s face was as unreadable as ever. “And you said yes,” he said.
“Oh, no, come on. You know me, partner. I tripped over my own tongue, freaked out a little, told him I was a homophobic shithead in high school, all my greatest hits. But I wasn't actually upset, you know? That he wanted to go out with me. We had dinner and talked and I kind of want to go out with him for real. But it's probably for shitty reasons.” He rubbed his face. “Ugh, talking about this stuff is so embarrassing. I'm so pathetic.”
Something about that must have kicked Souji’s brain into gear. He straightened up, looking at Yosuke with deep, concerned eyes. He always looked like an anime character trying to defeat evil with nothing but the power of his own heart during these discussions, and it would be funny if it wasn't so effective.
“You're not pathetic.”
“I am. Seriously, I know there's nothing wrong with reevaluating my sexuality or whatever, but I'm just doing it because I'm so excited someone likes me. Tell me that's not pathetic.”
“It's understandable.”
Yosuke flashed him a smile. “You're too nice to me, you know that?”
“You're too hard on yourself.”
“I don't think I've ever liked someone without thinking they liked me back,” he mused. “Even Saki-senpai. I liked her, yeah, but if she hadn't been nice to me, I wouldn't have given her a second thought. Well, a third thought. And now all a guy needs to do to get me to totally upend my heterosexuality is ask me out.”
Souji made a weird, choked noise. “That's really it?”
“Like I said, pathetic! Even with you and the rest of the investigation team, that's how desperate I am for someone to like me. You wouldn't do that.”
“It's not actually a bad thing, liking people based on how they treat you,” Souji pointed out. He was earnest again, apparently over Yosuke’s fickleness. “That's a better reason than liking them just because you're attracted to them. Not that attraction isn't important,” he added. “Are you attracted to Hiroshi?”
That was the big question, right? Yosuke leaned back, closing his eyes and picturing Hiroshi. He was an attractive guy, to be sure. Even before the whole dating thing, Yosuke had noticed he was well dressed and put together. He had a nice enough face, but Yosuke could admit Souji had his standards for guys set high. After all, anyone could style themselves well, but Souji managed to look amazing with the world’s worst haircut and a wardrobe that belonged to a guy forty years older than he was. Yosuke could only imagine how many people would fall for him if he actually let Rise give him that makeover she was always offering.
But it was unfair to judge everyone against Souji. Hiroshi didn't have to be the hottest guy he knew to be good looking.
Apparently he'd been mulling it over for too long, because Souji said, “If you aren't willing to at least kiss him, don't go on a date with him.”
He never had come to a conclusion about the kissing thing. “You think?”
Souji smiled. “That's basic.”
“Yeah.” He laughed. “I think that's why I'm feeling so pathetic. Yesterday I would have said I was 100% straight, but now that there's a real guy who’s interested in dating me, I’m wondering if I could be into it. That's how desperate I am.”
“I understand why you're feeling this way,” Souji said, picking each word carefully, like he used to do in Inaba, when it felt like he wanted to make every sentence count. “I do. But I'm really impressed with you, partner.”
Yosuke felt his whole body flush. Partner had always been his nickname for Souji, not the other way around, and even Yosuke didn't use it as often now that they were in college. It didn't feel childish, not exactly, but it felt like something from another life. And it felt all the more precious now that he didn't hear it as often.
“Why?”
“Because you didn't just dismiss this out of hand, and you didn't just say yes because you were feeling desperate and lonely. You're really thinking about this and what it means for you.”
“I'm supposed to know that by now, right? Come on, I'm twenty.”
“There's no deadline for understanding yourself. You can still be figuring it out. You just have to be honest with him.”
“Yeah, that's not my problem,” Yosuke muttered. “I word-vomited all over him. I might have been too honest.”
“I think if you want to go on a date with him, you should go.”
“How did you get so good at this, anyway? You never date.”
The silence stretched so long Yosuke almost said something, but he knew Souji well enough to know when he was collecting his thoughts.
“I date,” said Souji at last. “Mostly men.”
*
Yosuke was lying on the floor, staring up at the ceiling, and Souji was laughing at him.
“I thought it would be better if we just got everything over with tonight,” he said, with absolutely no guilt in his voice. “I didn't think you'd fall off the couch.”
“Since when?” Yosuke asked, still dazed.
Souji didn't make him clarify his question. “I've known for as long as I've known you. I didn't really start exploring it until college, though.”
“So you're…”
“Bisexual, I guess. But the way it works out, I tend to end up dating more men.”
“Huh.”
“I'm sorry I didn't tell you,” he said, his voice sobering. “Really, I am. But I thought you might not want to live with me if you knew. Which is a selfish reason,” he added. “You had the right to know.”
“I get it,” said Yosuke. The floor was starting to feel comfortable. He could just stay here for the rest of the night. This was where he belonged. “I wish I was the kind of guy you could have told, but I know I'm not.”
A foot nudged his side. “You are. I was being a coward. And selfish.”
“Let's both just stop beating ourselves up for tonight. Do you have a boyfriend? Can I meet him?”
“No, I don't.”
“Good.”
Souji snorted. “Thanks.”
“No, I meant--” He scrambled, trying to come up with an explanation. The reaction had been knee-jerk, unthinking. Of course he was glad Souji didn’t have a secret boyfriend. That was obvious. “I would have hated it if you felt like you couldn't tell me about someone important to you,” he said, even if it didn't feel like enough of a reason.”
“I would have figured it out, if someone had ever been very important.”
“That sucks, though.”
“What?”
“You're amazing. I can't believe you don't have an amazing boyfriend who appreciates you, you know? I thought maybe you just weren't very interested in that kind of stuff because you never talked about it much, but now I know why you didn't talk about it. So, that sucks.”
Five beats of silence. “I can't believe you aren't mad at me.” His tone was almost awed. “At first I wasn't telling you because I didn't want to mess things up, and then it had been so long I didn't know how to tell you without making it this big secret I'd been keeping from you.”
“I don't know what I would have said yesterday,” Yosuke admitted. “But, today, yeah. You're my partner. Nothing could ever change that. You can tell me anything.”
The response was a little too quick. “I know.”
“Does everyone else know?” he asked. That thought did hurt, that he was the only one in the dark, that Souji could trust everyone else but him. Understanding why didn't make it sting any less.
“Not on purpose. It just came up with everyone else.”
“Yeah.”
Another prod of the foot. “Don't feel bad. I'm the one who should feel bad.”
“How about neither of us feels bad,” Yosuke said, like it was that easy. “I'm glad you told me.”
“Yeah.”
“Is it very different?” he asked. “Dating guys. Kissing them. You've done both, right?”
“Yeah. It's always different. Everyone I date is a different person, you know? It's never the same.”
Yosuke would love to say he got it, but he didn't, not really. Every first and second date he'd ever been on had been basically the same, the same get-to-know-you questions, the same arc from “maybe” to “not interested.” He hadn't even had that many of them, but they still blurred together.
“I'm really bad at this,” Yosuke finally said. “Dating.”
“Yeah.”
That made him smile. “Not even going to pretend, huh.”
“I think you should think more about what you want,” said Souji. “Beyond just being wanted. The things you like about specific people.”
It wasn't the first time someone had told him that; hell, it wasn't even the first time Souji had told him that. But he'd never understood it quite so keenly.
“I wouldn't want you to go out with someone just because they told you they liked you,” Souji added.
“What, you think I should like them as a person too?” he joked, but Souji didn't laugh.
“I think you need to want them. Because of who they are.”
He sounded almost angry, and Yosuke pushed himself off the floor to look at Souji. He was already looking at Yosuke, his gray eyes steady and hard, and Yosuke had to turn his head again.
“Yeah,” he murmured. “I guess you're right.”
*
For as long as he could remember, Yosuke had wanted a girlfriend. When he was younger, he'd admitted all the embarrassing, romantic reasons: he wanted someone to love him, to pick him first, to want to spend all their time with him. But as he'd gotten older, he'd adjusted, made his justifications shallower, lewder. No one else wanted a girlfriend because they were in love with the idea of love; they wanted to get laid. And Yosuke did too, obviously, but that still hadn't been the main appeal. Having a girlfriend was symbolic, a tangible sign of popularity, of value, of being wanted.
And, like every girl who was an actual friend of his had told him, that was a bad way to think about women and relationships, but he didn't know how to stop.
“What do you look for?” he asked Souji, two days later. “When you're dating people.”
Souji looked up from the origami cranes he was folding, opening his mouth and then closing it with a frown. “I'm probably not the best person to ask.”
“Why not?”
“Because I'm not dating anyone. Whatever I'm looking for isn't working.”
“Yeah, but I want to know why. I would have killed to be as popular as you were in high school. You could have had anyone you wanted. You probably still could. So you must be looking for something pretty special.”
Souji let out a sharp laugh through his nostrils. “Not really.”
“So, what is it? I should probably be looking for the same thing, right?”
“It's not a math test,” Souji said, the teasing note in his voice not quite landing. “You can't cheat off my answers.”
“I know. But come on, we never talk about this stuff! Or you don't. And I get why you didn't before, but now I know, right? So tell me what you like about the guys you’ve gone out with.”
Souji looked back down at the pile of paper in front of him, folding another crane with delicate, deliberate motions. “Before I went to Inaba, I never really knew what it was like to have a family,” he said.
It wasn't news, but Yosuke didn't point that out. Souji didn't always come at things straight on, and the last thing Yosuke wanted was for him to stop talking.
“It wasn't just my uncle and Nanako taking me in. It was how they acted about his wife. My parents like each other, I think. My paternal grandparents arranged the marriage and my parents agreed. It was mutually beneficial and they got along. But if my mother died, my father wouldn't be torn up about it like my uncle is, not so many years later. Maybe not even weeks later. And I wouldn't be either.” He let out a shaky breath. “I used to think that was a problem with me. That I was wrong for not loving my parents more.”
“Fuck that.” He'd never met anyone better at loving people than Souji.
At least it made him smile. “In Inaba, I learned what I wanted from a family. From people I love. I'm looking for someone who feels like home. Someone who makes me feel like I belong when I'm with them. I don't want to settle. Even if it means I end up alone.”
“You're never going to be alone, partner,” said Yosuke. “You've got me.” The words hung in the air for a second, heavy and awkward, and he added, “And the rest of the team,” before Souji came up with a response.
“I know.”
“Sometimes I don't know why I'm still so desperate,” Yosuke admitted. This was why he talked to Souji; he couldn't say this to anyone else. “It's not like I'm the Junes kid no one likes anymore. I'm never going to be alone either, but all someone has to do is throw me a little affection and I'm gone.”
“You're not,” Souji said, surprising him. “If you were, you would have kept going out with Ueda-san last year.”
“Ueda, Ueda.” The memory clicked: Ahiko-chan, pretty and friendly and so excited when he asked if she wanted to get dinner sometime. “She didn't like you. Who doesn't like you?”
Souji shrugged. “We could have coexisted. She was willing to try. All I'm saying is that if all you wanted was to date someone, you'd be dating someone by now.”
“I'm pickier than I give myself credit for?”
Souji didn't respond to that. “Have you talked to Hiroshi again?”
“Yeah, we had class today.. It was a little weird, but not bad. I don't think I'm going to go out with him, so I'll have to find another way to figure out if I want to date guys. I should probably know that, right?” He huffed out a laugh. “I can't believe I'm even thinking about it. What am I going to tell Kanji?”
“He already knows you grew up a lot.”
“I still don't think I'd want to date him. If I've got a type, it's not Kanji. Is he your type?”
“He probably could be, but we've never been like that.”
The question flashed across Yosuke’s mind, bright as a bolt of lightning, and suddenly he had to ask: “Is there someone you are interested in right now?”
Souji didn't respond for so long that Yosuke knew the answer before he gave it. “There is.”
His stomach twisted, his gut churning for no good reason. “So what are you waiting for?”
“Honestly, I’m not sure anymore.”
“I guess it's probably harder when you're invested. Being rejected sucks, but it's a lot easier when you don't really care about the person.”
“That's probably it.”
Part of Yosuke wanted to push, to ask who the guy was, but it couldn't be anyone he knew. It wasn't Kanji, it couldn’t be Teddie, and it probably wasn't any of Souji’s other friends from Inaba.
It was probably some guy in one of his classes, his own equivalent of Hiroshi, some nice, unobjectionable dude whom Yosuke found himself resenting with a sharp, sudden violence he couldn't explain. Souji deserved someone who made him happy, of course, deserved that more than anyone else Yosuke knew, but how could some random guy be good enough for him? Someone who didn't really know Souji, didn't know about the TV world and the murders and everything Souji was capable of? Even if he told someone, someday, they wouldn't really get it. Not really.
Not that it was any of Yosuke’s business, obviously. Souji could make his own choices. And anyone he wanted would have to be amazing. But still, it was hard to imagine anyone amazing enough.
“I hope you can tell him soon,” he settled on, and Souji flashed him a rare, perfect smile.
“Me too.”