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When Sam was 15, he came to realize something. That thing, as he put it, was:
"Shit. I'm gay."
Sam Winchester was about as far from straight as you could get. Maybe not looks or personality wise, with stereotypes and such. But on a scale from 1 to 10, ten being the gayest, Sam was pretty sure he was an 11. That was mostly just hormones, though, ramping up how horny he was. As he got older, it died down to a more subtle 10.
Anyway, Sam wasn't sure if Dean would give a shit. He couldn't find a way to bring up homosexuals without it seeming like he himself was one. However, he was very sure John would, very much, give a shit.
He remembers every time that John saw a same-sex couple, or feminine guy, or or masculine girl. Every time that John muttered fag, or dyke under his breath. Every time that Sam didn't know why he was so offended, until the day it all clicked.
The point is, there was a reason Sam never came out.. Until after a few thoughts of doing so.
These are the 5 times that Sam Winchester thought of coming out, and 1 time that he did.
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1)
Sam was 15 when it all began to make sense.
Sam and Dean were walking down the street to go on a food run, while their dad went and interviewed the victims from their latest hunt. Dean was talking to Sam about when he was going to start hooking up with girls, and Sam wasn't listening. Not even a little bit. He was pushing every single word that Dean said out of his mind, because he thought that he just wasn't ready for a relationship with a girl yet. So, Sam kept himself occupied by studying the people and the buildings around him. This, is the moment when his eyes landed on something, and his thoughts went from, "This town in pretty run down," to, "Damn, that guy has a fine ass."
Sam snapped back to reality, with a, "What the fuck," going through his mind. Then, as if on cue, Dean spoke up.
"You're not gay, are you?"
All of the puzzle pieces fell into place. That feeling? When Sam saw guys glistening with sweat in gym class, their muscles popping, or when they gave a smirk. When he saw guys, good looking guys, doing a lot of things, in general. That was attraction.
Oh. The simple thought, sounded small and scared, even in his own mind.
Sam could tell Dean. Dean was like an immortal, all powerful being, or whatever it was that was going on with Sam's hero worship thing. Dean could fix this. Or at least improve the situation a bit.
Or Dean could be homophobic, like your father, dumbass. You don't fucking know.
So, Sam kept his mouth shut. He told himself things like him not even being sure, or whatever, even if deep down he knew. And was 100% sure.
He replied to Dean, "Nah. We just move around too much for me to be bothered," And that was the end of that conversation. At least it was, for Sam, because of course Dean tried to convince him to at least "Have some sex every once and a while."
But, Sam wasn't listening. Not even a little bit.
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2)
Sam Winchester wanted to leave. Needed to leave. He needed to leave to go to college so he wouldn't kill himself. He needed to leave to not drag his dad and Dean down in the hunt. He needed to leave to stop the arguments with his father. He needed to leave to get away from his secret.
Sam Winchester needed to leave and go to college, but Dean wouldn't have any of it.
Sam was sitting on the edge of the ratty motel bed, turned towards the wall, but more importantly, away from Dean.
Sam didn't want to see Dean's angry and disappointed and terribly heartbroken face, so he stared at the ugly, dirty, light yellow wall that clashed with the green bed he sat on. He'd rather strain his tear stained eyes than see that.
Yelling. Dean was yelling. "You can't just leave! Me and dad!" "Why, Sam? Huh? Why in the world do you want to leave?!" "It's not like we could afford to move you anyway, let alone get you into college!"
Dean, paused to breathe, then continued to yell, "C'mon, Sam! At least LOOK AT ME!"
So Sam followed his brothers order. He turned around and looked at Dean, the tears having just started to fall. And, just like Sam's tears, Dean's face fell, too. He walked towards Sam, and sat down next to him.
"Please, Sam. Why do you want to leave?" Dean's voice almost broke. Dean would be a mess, crying on the floor by now, if he had allowed it of himself.
So, Sam spilled. He talked fast about needing out of the hunting life, how it was killing him and he couldn't do it anymore. How he was just burdening them anyway. How he no longer wanted the fighting with his father. How he wanted something else for himself. And that he didn't want to leave Dean. That was the worst part of this whole thing, for Sam.
Sam almost told Dean that he thought his dad may kick Sam out anyway if Sam came out, and how he was tired of hiding it from his own family. He never minded telling strangers that he was straight, but each time he told Dean or John such a thing, it broke him just a little inside. When Sam lost his virginity, he told Dean it was a girl. Whenever Sam hooked up, he said the same thing to everyone. But, he didn't tell.
Dean spent the whole day with Sam, and Sam left the next night.
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3)
Dean came into the place that Sam had in college. Sam had been bunking with Jessica, though they weren't dating. They weren't together.
They told people they were, though. It was their little game. Lesbian Jessica and Gay Sam didn't have to come out of the closet until they were both ready to, and then they could do it together.
In fact, they were both planning on doing it soon, but Dean showed up, pointing out how Jess was way out of Sam's league, or whatever. Jess decided that ignoring those comments would be good enough.
Sam, though, could still taste those words on the tip of his tongue, staring at Dean in the dimly lit room.
"We're not together. We just share the place. I'm gay, Dean."
The words almost slipped out of Sam's mouth. So, so close. Sam, however, wouldn't allow them. He filtered it, instead.
"Dean, we're not dating. We just share the place."
And Dean just kept up the teasing, as if nothing had changed within the years that Sam was gone.
Stuff like, "Lucky for me, Sam! You could've really gotten yourself somethin' here, Sammy."
That's when Sam began ignoring the comments, too, even if it would've been so easy, and so relieving to get that weight of his chest. To just tell Dean.
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4)
After Jess had died, and Sam and Dean were hunting that creepy cursed painting that had the little girl possesing it, Dean tried to hook Sam up for the thousandth time that week. And it was, very much, getting on Sam's very last nerve.
Dean thought Sam was too busy mourning Jess. Oh, no. No way. Sam had, indeed, mourned Jess like nobody's buisness. She was his best friend. For years. But, really, he had actually been getting a lot of his anger out in very angsty, very gay sex.
Gay bars got easier and easier to find as the homo-ness of the world became more excepted, bit by bit. Sam hit those up, a lot, when he told Dean that he was going out to drink a bit, and Dean immediately understanding that this was one of those nights, that Jess' death hurt more than normal, and Sam went out to a gay bar, and drank heavily. Then, he fucked some nameless guy and went on with his life.
Dean still hadn't gotten it. That Dean was trying to grab Sam the wrong gender.
So, when Dean told Sam that hooking Sam up with this chick to solve the hunt may cheer him up a bit, he almost snapped. Like a twig.
How easy it would've been to scream, "Dean! I am less straight than the side of a fucking circle! The next time to try to hook me up with some fucking chick, I am going to explode! Believe it or not, there's not a stick up my ass, there's been dicks up my ass! I have, in fact, been having lots of sex, and haven't told you, and..."
Sam trailed off in his own mind, remembering why he hasn't told Dean. So, to make his big brother happy, he complies to Dean's request to date the chick. And doesn't tell Dean, like he so, desperately, wishes to do.
Whatever, Sam told himself, it's just for a bit, anyway.
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5)
"Dude, could you be more gay?"
Dean asked Sam this, when Sam knew the story of Cinderella. Fucking, Cinderella, for god's sake. Who doesn't know that story?
That, though, is only in the back of Sam's mind. In the front, is how easy it would be to say, "You have no idea."
Four words. Four words. Sam would be done with that secret in just those four words, and the way that he came out would be totally badass. Even then, he could shorten it to just one. A simple, "Yes," would do.
Sam had to, literally, bite his lip to keep the words from falling out of his mouth. How easy it'd be. How simple. All of this pretending, the pretending that he's been doing for, what, nine years now? It could be done. Dean would know. Sam wouldn't have anything to hide from his big brother anymore, and oh, how badly he wanted that.
The thing is, Sam couldn't lose Dean. Not after Jess. Not after his dad. So, when Dean said, "Don't answer that," getting rid of all of Sam's will to respond, Sam could feel himself breathe again. He could stop biting his lip. The scene was over.
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Finally, eventually, Sam came out of the closet.
2007, Sam and Dean were on a simple salt n burn hunt. They had just finished it, and decided to skip town, then go out for a drink to celebrate.
They were just driving towards the celebrate part, when Sam noticed Dean kept glancing at him, with a quizzical look on his face.
"Oh my god. Dean. I can hear you thinking, it's so fucking loud. What are you looking at me like that for."
"Are you gay?"
Right out of Dean's mouth, like it was an easy, casual question.
"Why the hell would you ask that?!" Sam tried to cover it up. He truly did. He'd been hiding it for too long for coming out to even seem like an option.
"Because, every time I try and hook you up with a girl, you do not enjoy it:trust me, I'm your big brother, I can tell. And I've never seen any evidence of who you fucked. I've never met a girl that you claimed to be dating. And, you go out of the house, and come back smelling like sex, but when I ask, you say that you didn't have any. And, sure, at first I believed you, bars smell weird, but a while back, you said you were going out in town for a drink, and the only bar in town was a gay bar. Then, you came back with a hickey on your neck, Sammy. And maybe a bit of a beard burn, if I'm not crazy."
Sam went silent. Fear barely flashed on his face, but this was enough for Dean.
"Sammy-"
"Yes, Dean, okay? I'm gay, are you happy now? Huh? Now that you know I've been hiding it from you for almost a decade? C'mon, let it out on me."
Dean was going to say something, until the last sentence. He paused for a second.
"Dude, Sammy, it's okay."
1...2...3...10...30 seconds passed.
"What?" Sam was not prepared for that reaction. All that he had gone over in his mind had been negative-yelling and screaming and kicking Sam out.
"Did you really think I'd care?"
Sam blinked twice, for longer than normal, which gave away his surprise an his blatant thought of, "Yeah."
"I don't care. You shouldn't hidden it from me, but the way dad was..." That brought up some shitty memories for Dean, but he quickly changed the subject, "I don't blame you. Besides, I gotta call Bobby about this if that's okay with you."
"Why? Are you gonna tell him?" Sam's eyes widened in fear, his mouth opened slightly.
"Uh, yeah, if that's okay with you. Kinda made this bet years ago. Probably doesn't even think I remember. Anyway, you were 10, and I was walking you to school, while we were staying at Bobby's. Bobby gave me the day of to help with research, remember?"
Sam nodded.
"Well, you were staring at this kid, right? And I asked what you were lookin' at. And you said, I swear, in this dreamy little voice, 'Oh, that's Harry. He's this guy in Miss'... somethings class. Blah blah blah, more info than I ever asked for, basically. So, I came back to Bobby's house. I told him what happened. Ended it with a 'Bragging rights and pride says that Sam's gay as all hell' and Bobby raised his eyebrows at me. Said something like, 'Sure, kid.' He'll regret doubting me for a second. If, you let me call him..."
Sam snickered, and shrugged.
Sam managed to catch the conversation.
Dean:Hey, Bobby, remember that bet I made at 14? When Sam was staring at that Harry kid?
Bobby:Yeah, what about it?
*Pause*
Bobby:You were right, weren't you?
Dean:Yep.
Bobby:BALLS!
Dean:Welp, at least you didn't bet money.
Bobby:When'd you hear this, anyway?
Dean:A minute ago, from the Sasquatch himself.
*Pause*
Bobby:Idgit.
And Bobby hung up the phone.
Sam was perfectly pleased with those reactions, and the elated feeling that washed over his body, and stayed there for the rest of the night, and even the day after.