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“It’s not real and you’re willing to give up 10 million for it,” Ted heard Robin exclaim as he approached the table. She looked up at him when he sat down. “Hey, Ted. Did you and Barney have fun last night?” She wiggled her eyebrows. Ted’s head thumped down onto the table.
“I bet they did. They didn’t even come down for five minutes,” Lily said, smirking.
“I messed up,” Ted said, voice muffled by his arms.
“Really. You messed up?” Robin asked, in disbelief “I would have thought Barney.”
“Have some faith in the guy,” Marshall said.
“What happened, Ted?” Lily asked, placing a comforting hand on his elbow.
“Well, I went to pick up Barney like usual-”
Ted fumbled with the key in his hands, slotting it into the lock on Barney’s door, clicking it open and letting himself in. The living room was empty, save for the giant stormtrooper near the window. A blanket was hastily folded on top of the couch along with a pillow. Barney was nowhere in sight. He usually waited for Ted to come by in order to have a little fun before meeting their friends at the bar.
“Barney,” he called out, walking further into the apartment.
“He’s in the shower. He’ll be out in a minute,” a feminine voice said, causing Ted to freeze. A girl with jet black hair came out of Barney’s bedroom, wearing one of his pajamas. Ted watched as she made her way to the kitchen. She was just Barney’s type, perfect body, soft voice, beautiful face.
Ted couldn’t move, breaths coming out in short pants. There was no way Barney cheated on him. It’s been less than three months, and he gave Ted a key to his apartment. Barney wasn’t this cruel.
“You alright,” the girl asked, pulling out a glass from the cabinet. She poured herself a glass of wine from the bottle on the counter. “Want one?”
“I have to go,” Ted said, voice breaking, rubbing his eyes, willing the tears to go away.
“Are you sure? Barney’ll be-” Ted was out the door before she could finish her sentence.
“Ted, that's horrible,” Lily cried
“Yeah Ted that sucks. I’m so sorry that happened and I’m also sorry about this,” Robin echoed. “It’s been less than three months, so you know what that means.” Robin stared pointedly as Marshall and Lily.
“Really, right now. Our friend got cheated on by our other friend,” Marshall said.
Robin held out her hand. Marshall rolled his eyes, before searching his pockets. He pulled out a twenty dollar bill and slapped it onto Robin’s hand. “Two more weeks Stinson, c’mon.”
“You bet on when Barney would cheat,” Ted said, not sure how he should be feeling about this. It was last on his list of priorities at this point.
“I would never bet on when Barney would cheat on you,” Lily said. However she pulled out a fifty dollar bill and gave it to Robin as well. “I had more faith. I didn’t think he would cheat.”
“Can I go on?’ Ted asked. When no one protested he continued. “So I ran out and-”
Ted found himself in a bar he wasn’t familiar with. He couldn’t go down to MacLaren’s, not wanting to face their friends just yet. He ordered his usual, an Old Fashioned, but the bartender simply laughed at him. Ted rolled his eyes. “Fine, three shots of tequila.” He figured if he couldn’t get his usual, he could get ridiculously drunk and ignore the weird ache in his chest.
He’d never felt this torn up and beaten down after any relationship. Robin and Stella never left him feeling hollow and drained. Maybe it was because Barney was alway there to cheer him up afterwards, distracting him with legendary nights and unforgettable memories.
Ted took a shot, grimacing as the alcohol burned his throat.
It wasn’t like Ted expected the relationship to last. Yes he really liked Barney, even found himself entertaining the idea of loving him, but he didn’t think it would ever be serious, like Marshall and Lily serious. He always thought he was going to end up with an amazing girl and two kids, how he was supposed to.
Ted downed another shot.
Barney clearly liked women too much to be tied down to Ted. He said he likes men, which Ted has no doubt about, if what they did in the bedroom was any indication, but Ted always knew Barney couldn’t always be with a man. They both had the ability to be normal, could have the American dream, kids and a beautiful wife.
Ted downed the last shot, asking the bartender for another three.
But why did he have to cheat less than three months in. Did he care that little about Ted? Was he that much of an asshole that he couldn’t break it off with him? What happened to his lemon law?
Ted downed another three and didn’t remember much of what happened next. He woke up on the living room floor, light streaming from the window. He squinted, reaching for his phone, which lay on his chest. It was around nine. He had multiple missed calls from Barney which he was too hungover to deal with.
“Dammit Ted,” Marshall groaned. He handed Robin another twenty dollars.
“I told you. He has a terrible habit of calling people when drunk,” Robin smirked.
Lily furrowed her brows. “You don’t actually think that, do you Ted?”
“Think what?” Ted asked.
“That you liking men isn’t normal and that you could easily just settle for a woman.”
“It would be easier though. I don’t know. I was always raised with the idea of getting a wife and two kids. Just because I liked men didn’t mean I had to do anything about it,” Ted replied.
“Ted. You can still have those kids with a man. You don’t need to be with a woman,” Robin said.
Ted rubbed the back of his neck. “I know. But it’s been drilled into me for so long.”
“I know how you feel Ted,” Lily reassured, smiling at him.
“But how did you mess up?” Marshall asked, putting them back on track.
“Right so--”
There were several missed calls from Ted’s friends. He figured he’d have to talk to them eventually, and figure out how they were going to hang out with him and with Barney. There was no way he's going to be able to be in the same room as Barney without punching his stupid, perfect face.
A knock on the door caused Ted to groan. “Go away,” he yelled, head pounding. The knocking grew louder. Ted sighed before pulling himself off the floor and stumbling to the door. He opened the door to see the same girl he saw in Barney’s apartment, except this time she was wearing clothes: a black shirt tucked into a pair of black skinny jeans and a red leather jacket. Her face was fixed into a glare.
“What are you doing here?” Ted questioned, trying to will away the growing headache at his temples.
“Doesn’t matter. What matters is that you upset Barney, so now you’re either gonna fix it or I’m going to beat the shit out of you.”
Ted scoffed. “What the hell am I supposed to fix? He’s the one that cheated on me with some cheap skank who’s now standing in my doorway.”
Before Ted could register her movements, the girl had him up against the door, an arm pinned at his throat. “You call me a skank again, I’ll rip your tongue out.”
Ted pushed her off him, which took more effort than he anticipated. The woman was freakishly strong. “Who the hell are you?”
“Barney never mentioned me?” She pulled away from him.
“No,” Ted said, rubbing his sore throat. Seriously, was the girl on steroids?
“Oh, oh shit,” she said, slapping her forehead. “I’m Alex. I’m a friend of Barney’s. Surprised he never mentioned me.”
“Whatever. Just get out of my apartment.”
“Shit, I see what yesterday looked like to you. I needed a place to stay for the week and he offered me his couch. I swear Barney and I are just friends.”
“Uh huh.”
“I’m serious. Plus, I bat for the other team. And Barney’s infatuated with you. He wouldn’t cheat.”
Ted’s eyes widened. “What?”
“Yeah, I’m gay,” she said, doing jazz hands before furrowing her brow. “How come you have such little faith in Barney?”
“I don’t- There’s a hot girl in his kitchen in his suit pajamas. What else am I supposed to think?”
Alex shrugged, before fixing him with a hard stare. “Look I don’t know what you did, but Barney was really upset last night. Not that he let me know. He locked himself in his room and didn’t let me in.”
“Oh god,” Ted whispered. A memory from last night came up. He remembered yelling into his phone, doesn’t remember what he said, but it was bad. And if Barney was his most recent contact, then Ted really messed up. “Dammit. I messed up.”
“Right so you should go fix it,” Alex said.
“Yeah. I should,” Ted trailed off, running out the room.
Robin groaned as she handed the money back to Marshall and Lily. “I’m keeping the other twenty dollars. He still drunkenly called Barney.”
Ted got to Barney’s apartment in record time and banged on the door. He could hear Barney cursing from inside before the door opened. He looked like a hot mess, hair sticking up in different directions, button down shirt wrinkled, and his eyes looked like he hadn't slept, and a depressive shadow clouded his features. He took one look at Ted and smiled.
Ted’s shoulders sagged in relief. Barney wasn’t mad at him.
“Ted, what are you doing here?” he asked, leaning against his door.
“Oh my god. Barney, I am so sorry-”
“What are you apologizing to me for?” he interrupted. His cheery tone was starting to creep Ted out.
“For last night, I don’t really remember-”
“Why would I deserve your apology?” Barney asked, head tilted.
“What?” Ted asked, reaching forward. “Barney, are you okay?”
Barney shrugged off the hand Ted placed on his arm. “Why would I, a lying, cheating scumbag, who apparently isn’t worthy of trust, get an apology from Ted Mosby, who deserves so much better than my ass.”
Ted’s mouth dropped open in shock. “Who told you that? Because it’s not true.”
Barney held up his phone. “You did.”
“I would never-”
Barney clicked a button on his phone and Ted's voice started playing. “ Hey Barney. Just calling to let you know that I know what you did, you bastard. I honestly don’t know how I fell for a - a - a lying cheating scumbag like you. I should never have started d-dating you. I can’t believe I actually thought you wanted me. You don’t deserve my trust. How could you cheat Barney? It hasn’t ev- three months didn’t- You know what, I deserve so much better than your ass. Fuck you- Fuck -Oh look a penny! It’s a bit green. Did you know that in the 18th century-”
“You go on for another five minutes explaining the history behind penny design and they ramble on about the US mint.”
“Barney,” Ted started, but Barney slammed the door in his face. “Please open the door.” Ted banged on it repeatedly.
“Leave, Ted,” Barney yelled from inside.
“Barney, c’mon. I didn’t mean it. I was drunk and thought you cheated on me. I’m sorry-” The door abruptly opened. Barney stood on the other side, glaring at him, eyes glossy. Ted reached forward in relief “I’m so sorry. I told you. I was drunk and thought you cheated.”
“You have such little faith in me.”
“No. It’s- she was in your kitchen with your suit pajamas on. What was I supposed to think?”
“You were supposed to trust me and come talk to me. Isn’t communication some really important part of a relationship?”
“You’re right. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed. I was drunk. Can you forgive me?” Ted tried, hesitantly moving forward.
Barney shook his head. “Is this what you think of me? That I’m such an unfaithful pig that would cheat on you the first chance he gets.”
“No Barney. I was drunk.”
“They say drunk words are sober thoughts.”
“That’s not true,” Ted protested.
“I think you should leave.”
“Barney-”
“Go, Ted,” Barney said, voice scratchy, as if he was trying not to cry, before he closed the door.
Both Lily and Robin slapped the back of his head. “Ow,” Ted yelled, the remnants of his hangover still wearing off.
“Ted, you idiot,” Marshall groaned.
“I know,” Ted moaned, head in his hands. “What do I do?”
“I don’t think any of us actually made Barney genuinely pissed at us,” Robin said.
“There was the Taco Incident,” Lily pointed out.
“Yeah but he was too busy with that guy, Marcus, to be actually mad.” Marshall blinked. “How the hell did we not know Barney liked dudes?”
“What do I do?” Ted whined.
“Be you. Go big like you always do,” Robin said. “You always go big in relationships you care about, like the blue instruments and the marriage proposal. Show Barney that you want him.
“You do want him right?” Lily asked.
“I really do. I’ve never felt this desperate to fix a relationship before.” Ted paused. “I think I know what to do.” Ted stumbled out of his seat and out the door.
Robin turned back to Lily and Marshall. “How about 20 million? You can’t give that up for a chance of finding Nessi.”
Ted fidgeted with the sleeves of his suit jacket as he waited for Barney. He let himself in with the key he still had and completely decorated the place, dark curtains, table with light cloth and candlelights, and a few dozen roses. He followed Robin’s advice, wanting to show Barney how much he really means to Ted, that his drunken rambling shouldn’t be taken to heart. It was Ted who was dealing with his own issues, and Barney shouldn’t get hurt because of them. Hence the suit Barney was always bugging him to wear, the home cooked meal he called Barney’s mom to help make, and a bottle of Glen Mckenna 60 year Scotch he spent a fortune on.
Ted took a deep breath in as Barney opened the door. He paused, eyes roaming over the apartment, lingering on the table Ted set, before his eyes finally made contact with Ted’s. “I’m not a girl you can just woo, Ted.”
“I wanted to show you that I am serious about us,” Ted said, motioning Barney to join him.
“You must be. You’re actually wearing a suit,” Barney smirked, reaching over and fixing his tie. Ted flushed as Barney’s eyes raked over him, before they flicked back to Ted’s. “Are you really serious, Ted?”
“Yes. I have a preconceived notion in my head that we’re not going to work out and we’re just going to end up with two girls like normal guys. When I saw Alex, I felt like my idea was confirmed,” Ted running his hands through his hair.
Barney studied him for a minute. “Alex is gay.””
“I know.”
“I get it, though. I know how easy it would be for us to just date women, but Ted I like you a lot. I want us to work out and I know I’m not someone you should easily trust, but I would never hurt you.”
“I know. I was being stupid.”
“No, you were being rational. I wouldn’t trust me either,” Barney said, twinkle in his eye.
“No, I do trust you and I’m sorry that I made you feel like you had to work for it.”
“Okay stop,” Barney said. “Can we stop with the girly talk and just get this show on the road. I really want to kiss you.”
Ted’s face broke out into a huge grin as he pulled Barney into a sloppy kiss. He didn’t realize how much he missed the feel of his lips against Barney’s. Ted mentally slapped himself. If this is how he felt when they had a small problem, what was he gonna do in case they broke up? But as Barney started, pushing him down onto the couch and straddling him, Ted had no intention of letting this go.