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“Hey, how did you know you were gay?”
The question pierced through the background noise of the television and stole Craig’s attention away from his laptop. At this stage in their relationship, being together in comfortable silence where they did their own thing next to each other was a very regular occurrence as they sat together on the couch. Craig was finishing up some work and Tweek was unwinding by watching some brainless show on the television.
“Why do you ask?” Craig more than welcomed the question, however. He really couldn’t stand doing paperwork and would entertain any distraction.
“I just feel like everyone thinks they're straight until they realize they’re not, you know?” Tweek snuggled a little closer to his husband, “at least that’s what I thought as a dumb kid.”
“Hmm, I’ll tell you if you tell me your gay awakening.”
Tweek cocked his eyebrow, “that’s what it’s called? I never knew it had a name to it.” He hummed, deciding to comb through his cluttered mind full of memories to save his love from his obvious boredom.
“I guess I just kind of figured out when I got stuck with you.” The blond simply shrugged.
“That’s not a very good story.”
Tweek rolled his eyes but continued regardless, “there were definitely signs though. Did I ever tell you about the time I got dragged to Raisins?”
Craig shifted to sit up more, turning to show his peaked interest. “No?”
Tweek couldn’t help but laugh at the memory as he began to explain the situation. His best friend at the time, Jason White, recently found out about the restaurant Raisins and decided that he absolutely needed to go or he would die. He was far from the only kid, too, and got Clyde on board to come with him so he wouldn’t look like a total loser going there alone.
Tweek didn’t really get the collective excitement over it, but every other boy in his grade seemed to think it was heaven on earth. Maybe the food was really good? Tweek figured he’d get around to it one day, which seemed to be when the two of them ran up to him insisting that he come with them on the basis that Kenny was supposed to come with them but he was too broke and they couldn’t go with just the two of them because then people with think they’re gay.
“You’re gonna love it!” Clyde insisted as he pushed through the doors, “they have the cutest girls in the world.” Tweek found that hard to believe, he always thought of himself as having really high standards since none of the girls at school really seemed to impress him.
“Yeah! It’s the best!” Jason declared before telling the hostess that they needed a table for three.
On the short walk over to the table, Tweek had at least three girls wink or wave or call out to them. It had to be the most attention he had ever gotten from the opposite gender. Had he done something different with his hair? Did he accidentally walk through the cologne department on the way here? He didn’t get it, and he wasn’t sure he liked it.
When they sat down, one of the girls came over with long blond hair and bold eye makeup. In hindsight, it was very typical of a little girl who got a hold of her mom's makeup bag. She called them ‘cutie’ and ‘hon’ and it seemed to make Clyde and Jason melt. Tweek, on the other hand, was confused with how familiar they seemed to be. Isn’t that kind of weird? He didn’t know any of these girls did he? Was he being spied on? Or maybe he was suffering from some kind of unexplained memory loss?
They sat at a table that obviously wasn’t properly cleaned because the surface was still sticky. The whole place seemed sort of grimy, really, Tweek certainly wasn’t the neatest person but it was hard not to notice. Did Jason and Clyde notice? Probably not, they were busy very intently watching the strange hula hoop performance going on at the center of the room.
“Hey, cuties!” The waitress said, which had both Jason and Clyde practically giving themselves whiplash as they turned to look at her. “What can I get you guys to drink? Do we need some water? Some lemonade?”
“Uh-huh,” Clyde answered, which didn’t seem to clarify in any sense what he wanted. Jason didn’t even answer, practically cowering in his seat.
“Can I have a black coffee, p-please?” Tweek asked, trying his best to ignore the other boy’s strange behavior.
The waitress put a hand on the blond’s shoulder, causing him to jump slightly. “Ok, and for you other boys, how about some root beers? Those are my favorite!” Jason and Clyde nodded, and she left with a “I’ll be right back for you, ok guys?”
They ended up getting wings and fried pickles for the whole table because they couldn’t afford to do much else. Tweek’s family never went out much so he was excited to eat out once. But when he tried the pickles, he felt that they were way soggier than expected, and when he bit into the chicken he found that it was rubbery.
It was kind of awkward how quiet it was at the table, too. The other two boys seemed totally out of it. “Hey guys? This food isn’t that good, r-right?” Tweek tried to comment to make the conversation somehow less miserably stale.
“What? Who comes here for the food?” Clyde had to ask, almost seeming offended.
Why would they come for anything else? It’s a restaurant. Is what Tweek would’ve said if the words hadn’t died in his throat because the touchy waitress from before approached their table. She seemed far too interested in their lives, in Tweek’s opinion. It bordered on unprofessional the way she basically sat on their table as if she was part of their party.
The whole experience was unpleasant, Tweek concluded when he was presented with the bill (his friends decided he was the most capable of handling that considering he worked in the parent’s coffee shop). He was disillusioned with the whole thing, the experience not being nearly as cool as any of the guys at school described it to be.
Tweek stalled when he go to the tip. He didn’t really know what a tip was for or how to do it but he remembered one time he was out with his mom and she tipped extra because she thought the waiter was handsome. His waitress was really annoying, so Tweek put a zero.
As they were almost out the door another girl stopped him. “Hey sweetheart, do you think you could take a picture for us?”
“No?”
The bulky bodyguard, obviously from an older grade, maybe even a middle schooler, stepped in, “take the damn picture.”
After a picture was taken with one of those Polaroid cameras, it was instantly taken to the back before Tweek even got a chance to see it.
“Dude, that chick was totally into you?” Clyde insisted as they left.
“Ah! Really?” That seemed odd, although they were really friendly toward him. It was a shame, he certainly wasn’t into her. In fact, none of the girls really seemed to be his type. Maybe he was too picky.
“Did you guys see the girl with the black hair at the table next to us? She was the hottest!” Jason said, taking the attention away from Tweek and allowing him to officially check out of the conversation.
“So yeah,” Tweek brought a hand up to rub at his cheek, “the signs were there, I guess I just didn’t take being gay as an option until you came around. It didn’t take long for me to figure it out after that.”
Craig tried not to laugh, he really did, but he failed miserably. The image of a baby Tweek looking miserably out of place as a Raisins girl tries desperately to get some kind of tip out of him was just too much. “I would pay to see how that picture came out. How did you not know.”
“I just didn’t! I was too busy worrying about the world ending to think about if I liked boys! I figured it out in the end didn’t I?”
“That you did,” Craig said, planting a kiss on his husband’s temple as payment for telling the story.
“So what was yours?” Tweek had to ask, “I held up my end of the deal now it’s your turn.”
“I’m not sure if you want me to tell you, you might get jealous.”
“Jealous?” Tweek asked incredulously. “When did this happen? When you were 7? I’ll be ok, Craig.”
“I was actually 8.”
“Stop trying to get out of telling the story!” Tweek insisted, which finally prompted Craig to talk.
It was hard for an adult Criag to remember all the details, but he couldn’t forget the day Cartman started randomly cursing out all the teachers and even the principal. He had to clarify, that fat tub of lard was definitely not his gay awakening. He'd be shocked if Cartman was anyone’s anything, but he still thought the defiance was cool and could appreciate it for what it was.
It was only a couple of days after that when his parents dragged him to see Dateline live to help him better understand Tourette's disorder. He thought it was totally lame, a waste of a night he could be using to watch red racer on his laptop or play video games. His sister even got to stay home with the cool babysitter!
But fortunately for him, all these adult men just randomly started dropping dead in between the rows of seats. Craig originally thought it was a mildly disturbing part of the show until everyone started screaming and running out of the room.
He treated the experience like a school fire drill, taking his time as he walked up the steps and eventually lost track of his parents by the time he got outside. That’s when he saw this awkward-looking kid standing out front. He had this messy dirty blond hair and this nervous expression, but then Chris Hansen of all people came up to him complaining about something that Craig didn’t understand and he just curses him out!
This kid just had to be the coolest guy on earth with his mint green gingham shirt and khaki pants. Most of the time, Craig let other kids come up to him to be his friend, never the other way around, but this guy was different. The little boy in the blue had just had to be his friend, no matter what. And maybe if they hung out enough, Craig could catch tourettes too!
He came up to him, put a hand on his shoulder, told him he was the coolest kid in the world, and even offered to do his laundry. Who would pass up on that offer? Laundry was his least favorite chore even so now they had to be friends. Unfortunately for little Craig, his parents soon found him and quickly whisked him away and that was the end of it.
“It never went anywhere, he wasn’t even from Park County. Besides, I could never date a guy with the same name as my dad.” Craig said rather flatly, but Tweek seemed entirely too entertained.
“Oh my God! You totally have a type!” Tweek smiled widely as he pointed at Criag.
“What?”
“He’s blond, I’m blond. You have a type, man!” Tweek insisted.
Craig opened his mouth and closed it. Was it true? Not only that, but he remembered that kid being pretty anxious too. Was he only just now realizing that he had an affinity for nervous blond guys?
Tweek could nearly hear the internal cogs shifting in Criag’s confused mind. “I’m just kidding,” Tweek snickered as he pushed the other playfully.
“I guess you’re everything I ever wanted,” Craig says, intentionally leaning in closer to heighten the effect of the sickeningly sweet one-liner.
“Ew!” Tweek laughed, “you’re corny!”
The comfortable silence found them again, Craig got back to work and Tweek watched some more TV. Only this time, Craig was burdened with the new relaxation that he very much did have a type and he wasn’t sure how he felt about it.