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Kaveh's life is the worst. Dealing with heaps of debts to his name while struggling to keep the image of a successful architect makes him lose sleep. One minute more each day.
His feet drag over the streets of Sumeru City as people frantically pack their belongings to get them inside.
Crimson eyes with heavy violet bags look to the sky to find a veil of dark clouds over his head. The rumblings of thunder are faintly picked up by his twitching ears.
A thunderstorm is coming. Perhaps a good enough excuse to work on a project tonight.
Maybe he won't have to explain himself to his roommate as the thunder roars through the city. His hammering and cursing will definitely be overshadowed by violent rain on stained glass.
Speaking of roommate…another situation that makes Kaveh's life so unbearable is the fact that he is sharing his living space. Well, okay…Alhaitham is sharing HIS living space with him right now.
Nothing Kaveh is really proud of, but it is better than sleeping in the corner of Lambad's tavern. His back still tries to heal from the nights on the hardwood chairs he so meticulously refurbished as payment for his stay.
The bed he sleeps in from time to time is an upgrade, as is the working space he possesses now. A place to live in, sure, if his roommate were a bit nicer to him.
Kaveh starts to pick up his pace as the fresh smell of rain flies up his nose.
As he looks to the side, a woman desperately tries to catch every piece of laundry she has still on her clothing line.
A white blouse flies his way and Kaveh can catch it just in time before it passes his head. She walks towards him, out of breath from running back and forth, and takes the damp piece of fabric.
"Thank you so much!", she says and her shoulders loosen a little up as he smiles back at her.
"Please, don't mention it. Do you need any help with the rest?"
She looks back at her laundry and swallows hard. Before the woman can say a word, Kaveh walks past her to get the heavier pieces.
He himself should be on his way home as well but…anyone would've done the same in his shoes, right?
Her face eases up and under her breath, she tries to thank him for his help but can't quite bring herself to do so yet. Burning red cheeks remain on the wet laundry as Kaveh tries to take a peek at her.
Funny, the blond man can relate to the embarrassment and shame she must feel now. He had found himself with messy hair and sweat dripping from his forehead to reach the deadline of a project multiple times. The many tiny cuts on her fingers, her own dirty blouse and skirt, and scraped knees are telling him a few stories. Some of them speak of a woman who has just become a mother and is taking care of the house for the first time and not being used to it. Maybe she had different plans in life, much like he did.
After carrying the laundry basket back inside, the blond wants to leave quickly but he can hear a loud 'Ah' coming from the woman.
"Thank you…", she bashfully says, not daring to look him in the eyes.
"Please, there is no need for that. Take care."
If only his own roommate thanked him even once for doing the dishes or dusting the shelves, Kaveh thinks to himself. Then, maybe then, they wouldn't fight with each other that often.
Where were the days when Alhaitham's voice didn't scrape away his ego? Where were the days when Alhaitham was still a child, one who'd maybe take a piece of advice or two because even he had lost an argument because of his youthful naivete?
Seems like everything truly does come to an end one day…
Feet quickly making their way back home.
His fingers fumble for his keys when he sees the familiar planters.
Today, he remembered to take them with him before leaving the house in a hurry.
One side effect of barely catching sleep and living off of caffeine is forgetting about important things. Blueprints, sketches, his keys, or all three of them. It has happened before and once he came back to gather his belongings, Alhaitham would stand there with judgment in his eyes.
'Again?'
Yes, of course again. Because if he were considerate, he would just remind Kaveh about his keys, not recite the importance of sleep from a book he was currently reading.
Not today, Kaveh thinks to himself and his keys rustle against his lion keychain. A few drops start to fall to the ground as an old lady huffs and puffs loudly, walking the opposite way. The poor old lady looks at the steep hill in front of her and sighs heavily. Enough to pull on his heartstrings to take the rather full paper bag from her arms.
She doesn't live far away but after reaching her house and helping her get the groceries inside, Kaveh walks out of her house to be greeted by pouring rain.
"Dammit…",he curses and runs to his house as he attempts to cover his hair from the droplets. A vain endeavor, he notes as he reaches the door as sees his messed up hair in the reflection of the glass.
Truly, his life…it can't get worse.
Drenched by the rain, Kaveh is ready to take his daily judgment from his roommate.
His fingers tightly grab the doorknob, his shoulders start to tense up when he opens it. Inside, there is nobody.
Kaveh's body doesn't loosen up. Instead, his eyes search for the familiar coat that always hangs on the wardrobe to the left side. Then, he turns to the right in an attempt to find the boots of his roommate. Neither of them are where they belonged.
An unsettling dread crawls over Kaveh's back when he closes the door. No page flips, no cooking noises. Just the sound of the rain pattering on the roof.
"Haitham?", his voice is meek even in the empty halls of this house. There is no one answering him back.
Fingers brush against his left arm and rub it slowly as Kaveh walks through their shared living space.
The usually tiny living room that has been personally decorated by Kaveh himself feels so huge without a second person.
Suddenly, there are not enough books on the shelf to fill out the empty feeling his body tries to shake away. The instruments nearby silently sit where they belong. The plates on the table are the only reminder to him that a second person lives here as well but hasn't been back yet.
Kaveh takes another step and the floor under him creaks loudly. The sound directly grips him to the marrow. He should fix that when he has the time, his mind tries to calmly tell him as anxiety screams throughout all of his body.
Only the rumbling of the nearby sky can be louder than his inner self and his body shrieks.
He turns on his heel, his senses starting to drown in the hollowness of their home. Yes, their home. Because even if Kaveh's life is truly, without a doubt, the worst, the chilling cold of loneliness is one that he detests more than anything.
Until now, the architect has almost forgotten how it feels to stand in deafening silence. Huge and dark halls where only cold light comes through the windows, where even the warmest gold details become flat. Where tall mahogany bookcases pollute the air with their distinct and heavy smell.
Not even the thunder coming closer can scare Kaveh more than the notion of loneliness.
If he isn't here yet, he will be still at the Akademiya, Kaveh concludes and walks towards the door.
He looks at it, expecting the scribe to come through it any second now. Just as wet as Kaveh himself arrived. However, his eyes are looking as the light cast by the green glass gets dimmer.
His mind starts to go in circles. Back to the empty mug on the table that Alhaitham had left this morning. To the half-eaten food that he would finish once he comes back even before Kaveh arrives. And it goes even further back.
To a different place, a different time…when a shorter junior sat on the ground in the House of Daena, pulling his hat over his ears to muffle the loud noises of the thunderbolts and to cover the red streaks on his face. Between two huge bookshelves with an assortment of fairytales from different regions, Alhaitham sat in the shadow of them with his knees tightly pressed to his chest.
Kaveh was surprised to find his friend in such a vulnerable moment as he had just asked him to look for a book they needed.
"Haitham? Are you alright?", Kaveh starts to pick on his blond braid at the sight of his anxious junior. It painted a very different picture of him on that day.
Before, Kaveh had seen Alhaitham grow into different features over the one year he had known him for. Most of the softness from his first day started to leave his face, the green Akademiya robe that had been way too big at the start suddenly started to fit him perfectly and the brotherly feelings Kaveh possessed for Alhaitham started to become…complicated.
The adolescent young man began to grow into someone with stern eyes, a sharp wit, and a tongue quickly enough to debate whoever came into his sight. Harsh words rained down on many, even on Kaveh but only he dared to engage in his differing philosophies.
As much as Kaveh started to feel his arrogance growing while presenting their opposite views, all of it became rather thrilling and exciting.
No day went by where the two didn't totally trail off from their project to start bickering and fighting for who was right. And no night passed where Kaveh would kinda…miss the annoying words Alhaitham threw at him.
"It's….alright, senior. I'll be back with the book in a minute…", Alhaitham said without trying to look at Kaveh.
Kaveh had often wondered what kind of weakness Alhaitham possessed but never in a million years did he think that thunder was one of them.
Kaveh went on his knees, his heart pulling him down at the sight of his scared junior.
A lightning bolt strikes, bringing Kaveh back to the house they both share. He has to leave, he has to, his mind tosses and turns. Hastily, Kaveh grabs an umbrella from the wardrobe and throws the door open. The scenery in front of him makes him swallow once, or twice. He runs through the pouring rain, not thinking about opening the umbrella. The winds around him blow harshly and coldly in his face. He stumbles and almost trips over his feet as he tries to reach the Akademiya in a hurry.
It is only after he steps into the hall that Kaveh comes to a halt. He wipes over his wet face, pushing away blond strands of hair that obscure his vision.
What will be the first point to start looking, Kaveh thinks. After running up here, Kaveh desperately gasps for air and decides that perhaps he should work out a little more like Alhaitham has told him to do.
Stupid Alhaitham…why are his words so harsh, brutal, and yet often true?
His tone has this slight hint of arrogance in it, feigning ignorance where there is none. He is a smart man, surely, he must know what his words do with others.
However, Alhaitham isn't the young junior Haravatat student anymore who would be nice from time to time. This endearing side didn't peak through often and, at one point, disappeared into thin air.
Their disagreements were purely professional until that project they had. Kaveh would see different students come and go. The reason was always the same:
No matter how much Kaveh tried to keep their pace, he was way too fast. A habit he so desperately wanted to kill for the sake of others and Alhaitham maintained out of pure egoism.
At this point, Kaveh felt it every night before going to bed. The sharp words that once were lovely banter between two scholars. They started to hurt…and not only that.
The Kshahrewar student started to fear that Alhaitham began to notice his mask slipping.
This must have been it. The day Alhaitham's words changed, Kaveh changed. They changed.
Kaveh passes the many tables and shelves of the House of Daena, only one place is on his mind where he might find him.
He stops in his steps at the thought. His cheeks start to warm up, dying them in the shade of a ripe zaytun peach.
The shelves with the foreign fairytales.
No. It can't be. Alhaitham isn't that sentimental, is he?
Kaveh had made it their comfort place one day. One where barely anyone would come because who studies fiction and art these days? To no surprise, when they were stuck once again after being in a heated argument over their morals and values, Alhaitham would turn around instantly and go to that place as thunderstruck.
His face turned white as a sheet, droplets of sweat collecting on his forehead. All of that was right in front of his senior, who started to worry again.
The last time it happened, Kaveh felt helpless. All he could do was sit next to him and lend his shoulder.
This time, Kaveh came prepared.
He found Alhaitham sitting at the same spot again, his teal eyes closed and every fiber in his body tense.
"Haitham…I…"
Kaveh sat down next to him and pulled something out from his green robe.
Gently, the senior put his hand on Alhaitham's shoulder to get his attention, if even for a second.
When he finally looked, the heat rushed into both their heads instantly.
"I…last time…you…were so shaken by the thunderstorm that you were jittery for a week so…I made you a pair of noise-canceling headphones."
It was more of a side project. One that Kaveh spent a few nights on to perfect it because that's just what friends do, take care of each other.
He had just waited for an opportunity to give them to Alhaitham, however, somehow their conversation topics wouldn't allow that.
Wordless, Alhaitham took them from Kaveh's hand to place them on his head. Kaveh chuckled as he hadn't even removed his hat beforehand.
"Wait, wait. Not like that!", the blond says and takes the headphones as well as the hat with the black Haravatat border. His hands gently ran through the silver hair, brushing them down to properly place the noise-canceling headpiece.
"Ah…I…", Alhaitham stuttered, encountering a situation he had no idea how to deal with. Such care that he had only ever experienced from his late grandma. Nobody else had dared to come that close to him. Only Kaveh ever did.
Kaveh picked up on the sudden change in Alhaitham. The growing red pupils, his bated breath and his hands shook ever so slightly.
"Oh! Eh…ahaha…I..I'm sorry.", Kaveh turned away and swallowed a big lump in his throat. He slid the hat back to his friend as he mumbled many curses under his own breath.
"No…I'm…"
Alhaitham placed his hand over Kaveh's. His fingers hook into the spaces between Kaveh's hands. Ever so slightly, fragile, cautious. So innocently that back then, Kaveh thought his heart will jump out of his chest in that moment. The air around them started to spark and Kaveh swears to this day that when he looked at Alhaitham's eyes, he saw tiny stars in many different colors.
Akin to a kaleidoscope he had as a young boy. Turn it around and you'd see another facette, another picture.
"I'm thankful."
The time stopped for the two of them.
Kaveh felt…appreciation. Many vibrant yellow tones hung around his head mixed with hints of rose.
"Ahaha don't mention I-"
Alhaitham's grip got tighter.
"I appreciate your gesture. Don't play it down."
Kaveh blushes brightly over this memory. They were so young back then and it might've been the first time when Kaveh noticed the change about Alhaitham coming. His complicated feelings for his suddenly grown junior became more obvious after that day. Why he worked on the headphones, why did he put so much work into design, form, and function over something that could've been way easier?
He dreads to find him at this spot. He hates it. It reminds him of all the hours they've spent debating each other, where Kaveh almost forgot that he doesn't deserve all this attention coming from his junior.
This sweet taste in his mouth turns bitter quickly upon seeing the scribe reading between the familiar bookshelves.
Nothing, absolutely nothing reminds Kaveh of the young love he has once felt when he looks at Alhaitham now. Instead, he can feel the anger bubbling up in his stomach. How dare he. Is this another attempt to ridicule the architect? If so, why does he have to do it that way? Weren't the constant nitpicks at the dinner table about his 3-day old clothes and unwashed hair not enough?
Kaveh wants to speak up but right as he opens his mouth, Alhaitham turns to him.
'What are you doing here?', his hands sign. Ah, a relic of their Akademiya times when the noises outside were way too loud to talk, and yet, their minds had so many things to share.
'What?! Isn't that obvious?', Kaveh dramatically signs back at him. 'I came to…'
His hands stop. Yeah…why is he here?
For all he cares, Alhaitham can camp out under a table in his office or wherever he fancied it the most. But Kaveh has never been good at letting the past go and so, the blooming feelings his younger self had were still somewhat inside of his heart.
Kaveh cares a lot about Alhaitham. Even if he clenches his teeth while cleaning the living room, he likes to find tiny notes by 'accident'. Another turn in the kaleidoscope of Alhaitham's soul. Notes that speak of eating habits, healthy diets, sleeping routines. Hah, what? Is he trying to better himself? Others have more complex things written on them. Books with tiny colorful papers sticking out from the pages, neatly labeled. Books about…psychology. Ah, maybe he does want to change?
But when he opened a page, the note reads 'Trauma by losing a loved one. ' and his blond head started to spin. Kaveh closes the book with a loud thud.
'I'm here because you forgot your umbrella.'
Alhaitham begins to look him up and down, causing Kaveh's stomach to turn.
'Don't lie.'
To others, Alhaitham might seem rather expressionless. Not much pointed towards one or the other way in the manner of speaking he possesses. Not even his face gives away much to the untrained eyes.
But to Kaveh, it's but another turn and another array of shards. The edges of his mouth get a little more tense, and his jaw clenches up ever so slightly.
For months, Kaveh has sat across Alhaitham in the library. He could tell when something was wrong with him even if time stole these pure reactions of him away.
Another time being stuck together. Kaveh pondered.
A few nights prior, Alhaitham joined him in the tavern. Both shared their wine despite Kaveh's scolding that this isn't a good habit to start.
They both ended up stumbling back to their room and passed out right on the floor. A funny story to tell but Kaveh wondered if there was a reason behind it. Alhaitham never joined him. The tavern was way too loud and crowded for the young student so Kaveh was more than shocked.
'You looked pissed that night.', Kaveh signed to catch the attention of his friend. Alhaitham closed his book, headphones on his silver head, and sighed.
'I was.'
'Why?'
'Just because...'
Kaveh's cerise eyes twitched a bit.
'Don't lie', he smiled coy.
His emerald eyes darted down to the book as if he tried to wait the question out, though, he knew that Kaveh would still grill him about it.
'I debated Madame Faruzan.'
"HUH?!"
Kaveh jumped up from his chair in synchronicity with the thunder roaring but lowered himself back on it when Alhaitham gave him a distressed look.
'But…why?!'
Sure, she was also from Haravatat and Alhaitham liked to boast about his debating skills but…why her?
'She…'
Kaveh stared at him for what seemed like an eternity. Just a few weeks ago, Madame Faruzan had folded him in half after he made a not so well thought out comment. It ended just like most of the times when Kaveh got upset. At Lambad's tavern over a wine or two. And he remembered Alhaitham sitting next to him, just listening but also in thought.
Did he…debate her because of Kaveh?
He clenched his fists on the table so as to not sign anything stupid he would regret later.
Alhaitham and he had been…a mix of many things by that time. Best friends, research colleagues, prodigies of their darshans…but when their hands touched for the first time between the shelves, something else happened.
'I…'
Their eyes started to gaze longer at each other. Kaveh knew the exact shades of Alhaitham's eyes. He could mix them by memory with various oil colors on a canvas.
'Did…'
Not only would their shoulders touch more frequently, but no. During late nights, Alhaitham just fell asleep at Kaveh's shoulder and Kaveh would let him do so.
'It…'
Fingers touched flirtatiously under the table. Sometimes all of them, other times just their pinky fingers. Kaveh noticed how much bigger Alhaithams palm had become. He felt protected and safe as it wrapped around his own. Alhaitham realized how Kaveh's fingers had delicate little papercuts and traces of sepia ink.
'...for you…'
For him. For Kaveh…he embarrassed himself in a debate with Madame Faruzan to…what? Restore his honor? Who did he think he is? Furthermore, who was Kaveh to Alhaitham? A best friend? A person he works on a project with?
Once again, Kaveh rose up from his seat.
When his emotions took Kaveh by storm, he reached over the table to kiss his junior scholar on the lips.
Sealed by the lighting that illuminated the whole library, they wouldn't let go of each other for another minute. And when they finally looked at each other, they couldn't help but let out an exhausted sigh that was followed by an embarrassed chuckle.
Took them long enough, they thought, each in their own head.
Kaveh's hands are frozen.
He wants to say it. Yes, he did come because he was or even is worried…but he can't.
'It doesn't matter.'
Is there a tiny bit of disappointment in Alhaitham's eyes? He closes his book harshly and his hand strokes over the embossed golden details of the cover until he gets up to face Kaveh.
This expression is one that everybody can read easily. Anger. Maybe sorrow.
And Kaveh is ready to take on that, not without biting back with sharp words as well.
But then, Alhaitham reaches out for him to…run his fingers through his blond hair?
Fingers start to fix the parts that stick out from his head and adjust his hair clips in the back.
The braid on his left side gets tugged back into place by the scribe without much words and Kaveh…takes it as it comes.
But then, Kaveh sees him take off Alhaitham's coat and wrap it around his freezing body. It's way too big, way too heavy but archons, how often has he run his fingers over the embroidery of it after doing the laundry? How often has he just smelled it quickly before Alhaitham came back into the room?
"Alhaitham…don't…", Kaveh pulls back from the other. This isn't the relationship they are supposed to have. They are roommates, former friends…nothing more.
"Don't act as if you care about me…"
He presses the heavy fabric closely to his chest, almost sinking all of his upper half into it. Kaveh wants to disappear from this situation.
Kindness, care…he doesn't deserve it. Not when he isn't even nice to Alhaitham in return.
Oh, Kaveh knows that both of them know how to throw daggers at each other viciously. How could anybody care about a person like this? A loser, someone who doesn't even go to bed on time or forgets to brush his teeth thrice a week because his head is not where it is supposed to be?
"Kaveh…"
"No…I don't need your lectures about how my life would be better if I did this or that. You're not my mom, you're also not my husband or boyfriend. Don't act as if you care or as if you…",he swallows and bites his lower lip to stop himself from saying the words. Unsuccessful.
"...as if you love me."
Kaveh's body aches at these words. He can't accept that anybody would love his messy self and this was the side Alhaitham sees day in and out. Once it became clear to a younger Kaveh how his mask had slipped off so badly in front of Alhaitham, he panicked. His words started to hurt because the core of it was true but much like his older self, Alhaitham couldn't properly convey the message to Kaveh. Not without insulting his self sacrifice for others, his life's work, the person he wanted to be.
Kaveh wants to hide after his words echo through the reading hall. Only the patter from the rain is loud enough to drown it almost completely. He nuzzles his face into the detailed collar until he sees Alhaitham's hands move again.
'I do love you.'
Kaveh scoffs.
'Linguistic genius and Haravatat prodigy and still you manage to mess up present and past tense when you sign?'
'I didn't.'
He can’t accept that. Kaveh rather wants to think that he just messed up while signing, though he knows Alhaitham wouldn’t make a mistake like that.
This right here is why Kaveh’s life is the worst. The unaddressed feelings on both sides, the way both can’t really let go of the past when they really, really should just move on. Their relationship is not supposed to be like this. At the most, they should see each other in the morning before they leave for work and in the evening when the doors behind them close. No ‘Good Night’ uttered, maybe a ‘Good morning’ to appear cordial with each other.
‘You don’t mean it…’
‘What makes you question it?’
Kaveh doesn’t know…it’s the first thing that comes to mind upon seeing his silent confession.
‘There is nothing I can offer. There is no value in me being around you.’
‘And yet, I let you live with me. Why is that?’
Archons, how should he know why Alhaitham is crazy enough to let him stay? Maybe it’s pity, maybe it’s a sick experiment.
‘Last time, you told me that without you, our home would look like a mess. You also boast about how the house would look boring if you didn’t decorate it and how I can’t live without you’
Right, Kaveh said that a few days ago. Actually, he often says that because it’s simply the truth. And really, Alhaitham’s decor before Kaveh moved in was atrocious! This man has no sense of style or form and…
Huh…Maybe Alhaitham has even softened up a little over the past few months. He didn’t flat-out deny an invitation from Tighnari and Cyno to meet up, he actually joined them rather frequently.
Once, Tighnari had even mentioned that change to Kaveh but he chose to ignore it only to have it on his mind all night.
Alhaitham stares directly into Kaveh’s soul, drilling deeply into his core as the red in his eyes grows larger. Almost as if he can see how the gears are turning inside of his head. Just before either of them can speak again, a bolt of lightning lightens the hall followed by a loud, growling thunder. Kaveh is ripped out of his thought, but not by the natural phenomena. He is hugged tightly by arms that Kaveh hasn’t felt around him in what seems to be years.
How unbearable the feeling of love is when you can’t escape it. As much as Kaveh doesn’t want to talk about all the feelings that still hang above him, about all the struggles he tries to deal with alone, it all comes back. Again and again with every turn of the kaleidoscope, his own colors and shards get reassembled into a different version of him. The only one who has been taking a look at every single glass image of his is…
Kaveh wraps his arms around the trembling man, admiring his strength to show weakness in front of his senior.
“Alhaitham…”,Kaveh whispers. His head rests on the broad shoulders of the scribe and his own figure gets pushed closer to Alhaitham’s body.
It’s torture to feel undeserving of his generosity, of his concern and love when Kaveh has tried many times to be worthy of it.
“Yes…?”, Alhaitham breathes into his ear.
“I don’t care if you are right or if it’s me. We need to talk…about us.”
“Then…let’s talk. We’ll have all night.”