Chapter Text
It was days like these that Peter felt like nothing more than a bundle of trauma.
Sure, he had a loving mom and dad, and a therapist, and a support group, and acceptance of his trauma. And sure, most days he felt mostly okay. Like for once, he was actually living. But sometimes, the world would find a new, unique way to remind him that he wasn’t normal.
He had a flashback in the middle of breakfast, and now he was constantly fighting off tears - but he didn’t want to cancel plans with his friends. Suffice to say, he really needed a rest day. Pulling out his phone, he sent a quick text to Tony:
Hey, I wanna go home now
Not feeling it
might talk about it later
Peter snapped back to paying attention to the conversation around him when MJ cut Sean off. “Is this going to be another kiss and tell?”
“No!” He said. “Well, yes. Oh my god, I don’t know. Just listen: so after he asks me out and we exchange numbers, he’s texting me all like wow you’re cool and like do you want wings? and all that. So of course I said yes. And we went to this wing place, and then this person across from us was like, giving us shit or something? I don’t know but Jake just goes, either you be respectful to me and my date, or please just mind your own business. We don’t need any confrontation. So nice and sweet and ugh I love this guy!”
Sean’s voice faded to a lower drone in Peter’s mind for the next several minutes as he wrapped up with the story exactly as MJ had predicted: a kiss and tell. Not that it was bad or anything; actually, Peter was happy for his friend.
But he couldn’t help but notice how much he was lacking in the romantic department.
Peter knew why, of course: Skip Westcott.
Peter couldn’t stand the idea of allowing another person to touch him like that - consensually or otherwise - ever again, yet he wanted closeness at the same time. But that was stupid. Irrational. And it didn’t help that, not even a week ago, a girl made a move on him and he turned her down because the idea of kissing terrified him.
Peter took a deep breath, and stopped that line of thought; his therapist, Diane, recommended healthier ways of seeing himself.
But it still didn’t seem right.
“Hey, uh, sorry to interrupt,” Peter said. “But uh… I think I’m gonna call it a day.” Was it only one in the afternoon, when they were supposed to spend the whole day together? Yes. Was Peter emotionally drained already? Also yes. “Today’s one of those days.”
Sean’s monologue was cut off mid sentence, his mouth hanging slightly ajar. Then, “Hey, man, that’s all good. You okay?”
Peter nodded. “Yeah, I just… you know, I think I just need to go home.”
At last, the Rolls Royce Phantom pulled up to the street beyond the doors of the Sweetleaf Cafe (Peter adamantly refused to allow the situation with Skip to ruin his favorite coffee shop, though it wasn’t a great setting for him right now).
“Love you guys,” Peter said as he gathered up his things.
“Love you,” Sean, MJ, and Ned said in unison.
The car ride back to the Tower was silent. As much as Peter liked Happy - despite his grumpy demeanor - he only felt comfortable sharing his problems with Tony. And even that was a maybe.
The moment the car rolled to a stop in front of Peter’s home, he was off like a shot and shut up in his room in under two minutes’ time. Peter took deep breaths in, slow breaths out. He screwed his eyes shut and clung into his pillow.
He felt so broken.
Seriously, he thought he was getting better: nightmares and flashbacks were few and far between, he didn’t flinch when others went to touch him, he could talk about it; he thought he was feeling okay.
Peter supposed all that meant was he thought wrong.
Squeezing the pillow even harder, Peter let silent tears fall. Seconds blended into minutes and he had no idea how long he sat there, bawling his eyes out. He didn’t even have a right feeling this way when Sean’s boyfriend clearly made his friend happy.
Peter just wanted to be normal. He wanted the ability to be close to another person.
Was that so much to ask?
A gentle knock broke the overwhelming silence around him. “Pete?” Tony called through the door. “Hey bud, it’s been half an hour.”
Peter scrubbed his hand down his face; hopefully his eyes weren’t too red. “Hey,” he said, untangling himself from his blankets and making his way to the door.
“Can I come in?”
“Yeah.” He opened the door, and practically melted into a hug the moment Tony opened his arms.
“You alright, kiddo?” Tony asked.
“S’nothing,” Peter mumbled, finally being able to hide his face from the world and feel safe and wanted and loved.
“You know, kid, the first rule of lying is to not lie to a genius.”
That elicited a soft, watery chuckle from Peter. “I just… I don’t think… Oh I don’t know, I’m just embarrassed and confused.”
Tony broke the hug and led Peter to the lounge, where they usually had these kinds of chats. “What’s it about?”
“Skip,” Peter said, like the word left a bitter taste in his mouth.
Tony’s brow furrowed and his lips formed a thin line. “You okay, buddy?” He asked as the duo sat down.
Peter offered a half-hearted shrug. “I dunno.” He sighed. “It’s also about Sean- hey don’t get that look on your face. He’s not mean or anything. It’s just that… he went on an awesome date the other day, and he and Jake are so comfortable with one another. And I’m- I don’t know how to be close to someone like that. ‘Cause, you know, I don’t want a repeat of- of-”
“It’s okay, kid. I know what you mean.”
“Okay.” Peter scowled. “I don’t get why I’m so stupid about this.”
“Peter. What did we say about talking down on yourself?”
“I know, I know. It’s just that Sean’s happy, so who am I to be upset about that, you know? And like, why do I still worry people wanna hurt me?” He swallowed. “I want to be normal.”
Tony took a few moments to collect his thoughts. Similar to anytime he helped Peter, he always made a point of finding the best words he could. “It’s okay to feel upset because you’re hurting about something. I said it before, I’ll say it again: you have a trauma brain. It’s okay.”
“But I don’t want a trauma brain!”
Tony’s gaze softened. “I know, Roos. No one wants their trauma, and no one wants the effects it has on them.”
Peter sniffled. “I just- I don’t want to be scared of other people.”
“You don’t need to date people, you know.”
“But I want to! I wanna be able to go on dates and love someone and not freak out when they touch me. This really nice girl, she- she asked me out and I said no.”
“Tell me how to help. And kiddo, it’s okay that you’re ups-”
“No, it’s not okay! Okay? Skip fucking Westcott ruined me!” Peter shouted. He sucked in a breath. “Fuck him and fuck me!”
Tony’s mouth clamped shut and he stared in shocked silence.
Peter deflated. “Sorry,” he mumbled.
“Pete, bud, it’s okay, alright? You’re allowed to vent how you feel. I had no idea you were this frustrated.”
It was then that Peter realized tears were streaming down his face.
“I wanna be normal,” his voice cracked on the last word.
Tony pulled the kid into a gentle hug, and both felt tension drain away. “You’ll be okay, I promise.”
“Will I ever be loved?”
“Kid…” Tony’s heart absolutely crumbled at how small and scared his boy’s voice was. He hated Skip so much it physically hurt. “Kid, you are loved. Pepper loves you, the Avengers love you, so do MJ and Sean and Ned. I love you.”
Peter let out a loud sob, muffled only by his dad’s shoulder. “But I want someone to be with. Romantically. I feel broken.” He sniffed. “And I thought- I thought I was getting better. But I’m not.”
“Healing isn't linear, and it isn’t easy. But you’re a strong kid. You will be okay, and you are getting better.”
“I don’t feel it.”
Tony rubbed circles on his kid’s back. “I wish you could see yourself the way everyone else does.”
“What’s that?”
“Amazing, strong, smart, caring, thoughtful. The list goes on forever, kid.”
“And scared,” Peter added. “Really scared.”
“Is there any way I can help?” Tony repeated his question from earlier, hoping Peter would be more receptive.
Peter pulled out of the hug enough to look Tony in the eyes, his own searching his dad’s face for any sign of deceit. “You promise everything’s okay?”
“Yes,” Tony said, no pause, no hesitation. “Yes, kid, everything’s okay. You’re safe, and loved, and one day you will be ready to go out with others.”
Finally, Peter allowed himself a small sigh of relief. He slumped back onto the couch, dazed from how much energy that took out of him.
“Sorry about all of that,” he said. “I… know I tend to overreact.”
“Nope, none of that. You’re still working through everything.”
“Yeah, I am, huh?” Peter stared at his lap where he twiddled his thumbs. “Thanks.”
“Any time, Underoos.”