Chapter Text
What is a beautiful world? What does it mean for a world to be more beautiful? On late nights, after a few too many cheap bottles of alcohol, these questions keep Dazai Osamu wide awake. Staring at the ceiling from the tatami covered floor, sometimes he unravels the bandages around his arms. Delicately tracing each scar, some he remembers like they happened yesterday while others are a complete mystery. On late nights like those, he would cry if he had any tears left to shed.
That was last night though. Waking up with the most wicked of hangovers did not help his head when his blond headed idealist of a partner came bursting in at 10 am saying things about messes and responsibility. Lots of things that went in one ear and out the other. Now he’s at his desk in the Armed Detective Agency bored out of his mind. Kunikida Doppo, idealist and the reason why Dazai has multiple pairs of headphones hidden around the office, is currently talking to a client. If Kunikida had his way Dazai would be standing next to him taking careful notes and hanging on each of the clients words. That isn’t what Dazai is doing, though. Instead, he's taking pencils and throwing them like darts into the foam board ceiling, ignoring what is supposed to be his job. He reaches for another pencil to dart into the ceiling and notices he has none left. His partner’s neatly organized desk is now barren of pencils but it’s fine he could probably buy more.
He looks to the side at the subordinate he took under his wing out of the kindness of his own heart and out of the thickness of Kunikida’s wallet. Atsushi is typing away at his keyboard, mostly ignoring what Dazai is doing. Dazai eyes the pencils in the cupholder, half of them are chewed and the others are so short they don’t count as pencils anymore. Dazai leans back in his chair and looks at Atsushi’s screen. Unfortunately it’s not anything embarrassing, just regular boring work documents.
“Did you need something, Dazai?” Atsushi asks.
“Nah, I’m just bored. How long do you bet those stay up there before Kunikida notices?” Dazai rolls his head back to stare at the ceiling.
Atsushi follows his gaze up to the ceiling. “How many pencils are up there?”
“I don’t know. I lost count after 50.”
“Did you arrange all of them like that on purpose?” Atsushi points at the design.
After about five pencils, Dazai realized that he should test his abilities to make something out of the thrown pencils. He managed to do a crude self-portrait that only has one eye because he ran out of pencils. Maybe pens would be able to stay in?
“I’m a man of many talents, Atsushi.”
“When do you think they’ll all fall down?” Atsushi looks at the ceiling slightly worried.
“Maybe in an hour or never. Who knows?”
The meeting over the phone must have wrapped up because Kunikida comes striding up to his desk. He gathers some things from his desk and puts them in his pockets, completely oblivious to the masterpiece above him.
“Get off your ass Dazai, we have a job.”
“Awe I was just starting to get comfy.” To emphasize his comfiness Dazai leans back and puts his feet up on the desk.
“Quit your whining and get up. We’re taking the car.”
“Can I drive?”
“Sure, when hell freezes over.” Kunikida swiftly walks out the door and Dazai drags his feet walking to the parking lot.
Kunikida gets in the driver’s seat and Dazai puts his feet up on the dashboard. “You know if we crash your legs will be the first thing that breaks.” Kunikida says as he starts up the car.
“Will it kill me?” Dazai asks excitedly.
“No.”
“Damn.” Dazai slouches back in his seat.
The car gets on to the road that's already showing signs that it will be packed later with traffic. It’s painful how well Kunikida drives, they would probably already be where they need to be if it was Dazai driving, but no you drive a taxi one time and suddenly you’re unofficially banned from ever driving again. Just because he doesn’t have a license doesn’t mean that he isn’t a good driver.
“Where are we going anyway?” Dazai asks.
“To the home of Kamiya Tetsuya-”
He gasps, “ The Kamiya Tetsuya? The guy who won the lottery not just once but three times in a row? That guy?”
“Yes it's him and just so you know I’m not letting you go anywhere in his house unsupervised.”
“Ugh, I don’t need to be babysat. What if I need to go to the bathroom are you going to hold my hand while I-”
Kunikida cuts him off, “His wife, Mai, asked for us to come to their house to look at a death threat they received. For the love of everything that is sacred, please just behave.”
“Why? Because he’s rich?”
“No, because he’s a former classmate of mine.” Kunikida keeps his eyes straight ahead. “We went to college together. So, please be on your best behavior.”
Dazai smirks. “What do I get if I do?”
Kunikida sighs, “What do you want?”
“I want to walk around a giant mansion without Kunikida breathing over my shoulder and I want lunch from a restaurant of my choosing.” Snooping around some rich snobs' mansion is always a goldmine of information.
Kunikida goes silent for a moment and then responds, “Fine, but I swear if you make one mistake I won’t hesitate to finish you off myself.”
Dazai smiles and leans back, “I swear I’ll be on my best behavior.”
They made it to the house, though house might be an understatement. A long white rocky driveway that has exotic plants and trees covering the grassy sides leads to a European style mansion. It even has its own guard gate that is wide open to the roundabout driveway at the front of the mansion. If that didn’t scream upper class, the fountain at the center with the stereotypical angels spouting water does. If Dazai didn’t already know who the man was it wouldn’t take him long to figure out that he came into all this money recently. Kunikida hasn’t said a word since they started up the driveway. He looks in awe at everything his former classmate has. He parks the car in front of the house and they get out and walk up to the door.
“So, you jealous Kunikida?” Dazai asks.
Kunikida rings the doorbell. “Not really, it all seems a bit much.”
“Oh, really? What would you do if you won that much money?”
“I would probably donate a significant portion to charity. Then give some to my mother and the agency as gratitude-”
“You wouldn’t quit working at the agency?”
Before Kunikida can have a chance to answer, the door opens. It’s an older man in a stereotypical butler’s uniform who looks surprised to see them.
“You two were supposed to show up hours ago! Mr. Kamiya is expecting you two in his ballroom. I hope that van has the ingredients.”
He starts to speed walk off and all they can do is follow him. A man that old should not be able to walk that fast. He opens double doors to a wide ballroom with different workers standing on ladders and next to tables placing decorations. There is scaffolding that holds up a large crystal chandelier and the workers who seem to be installing it. A young man in a nicely tailored suit stands in the center of the room talking to a woman with a clipboard, pointing at different tables. They look a bit older than Kunikida by a few years. The butler clears his throat and announces to the room.
“Sir, the food suppliers have arrived!”
The man turns around looking annoyed and quickly walks in their direction. The woman quickly walks behind him, she’s dressed just as nicely with a face of light, well applied make-up. The man in front of her has a face of the same. This must be the mister and the missus.
Mr. Kamiya crosses his arms, “Finally, it’s about time you both show up.” He eyes them both and stares at Kunikida. His face quickly lights up. “Kunikida? Kunikida Doppo is that you?”
“Yes it is. It’s good to see you again Kami-” Kunikida gets cut off by a quick hug.
“I had no idea you worked at my favorite catering company! Man, it is so good to see you.”
“Actually, there’s been a misunderstanding. My partner and I are from the Armed Detective Agency.” He pulls out his identification and holds it up. “Your wife called us.”
The woman behind him lights up. “Oh, yes. I didn’t know when you all would arrive. Alexander, could you please call the catering company and see when they’ll be here.”
The butler nods and leaves the room. Mr. Kamiya looks at his wife confused. “Why did you call them, honey? I thought you weren’t worried.”
“I know, but the more I thought about it the more anxious I got. So, I decided that if we got a private agency involved instead of the police then things would go smoother without making a big fuss. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, I didn’t want to stress you out since the night is for you.”
Mr. Kamiya’s face softens. “It’s alright, I know you only had good intentions.” He turns to both of the detectives who are third wheeling the conversation. “Let’s go talk in my office.”
The couple lead the detectives through the house and into a private office. He motions for them to sit down on the seats in front of the large wooden desk. His wife sits down in the office chair opposite of them and he stands behind her with a hand on her shoulder. Mrs. Kamiya pulls out a piece of paper and slides it in front of them.
“This arrived yesterday.” Kunikida picks up the paper and Dazai looks over his shoulder to read.
Kamiya Tetsuya you’ve gone too long living a life that you do not deserve. You sit in your mansion and spend frivolously while watching others suffer at your feet. This celebration of your so-called “success” is a hypocritical farce to have others pat your back and sing your praises for things you did no work for. The night of your event, I will walk through the front door of your mansion and destroy you. Piece by piece everything that gives your life meaning will be taken away until you have nothing like me. I gave more chances than you deserve to make things right and Friday night I will watch with euphoric joy as you suffer. You’re not as invincible as you think.
Scary. Whoever wrote this is educated and knows the client well. If memory serves, after Tesuya’s third win he was investigated by the federal government to see if it was possible that he rigged the lottery in his favor. However, he was cleared of all suspicions and deemed “a lucky bastard” by the investigators. While it is nearly statistically impossible for him to win the lottery three times, it is still possible. After all, in a world where a man can turn into a tiger, anything is possible. The possibility of him being a gifted ability user doesn’t escape Dazai, but whatever tricks the man might have won’t work on him that's for sure.
“There are others.” Mrs. Kamiya adds. “Ever since we moved in we’ve been getting letters like these each month. Usually we just burn them because we thought they were all bark and no bite.”
“Why didn’t you burn them this time?” Dazai asks.
“Because this one mentioned the celebration. We only sent out the invites to colleagues and friends. There should be no way that someone on the outside would know of the event.”
Mr. Kamiya interrupts, “The others never mentioned anything we did by name so she’s worried this guy might be a stalker. We have kids and we have no idea what kind of guy this person might be.”
“I understand. Do you have any idea of who you think this person might be?” Kunikida asks.
“Do you have all day?”
Dazai takes his turn to butt in. “Your security system should be looked at for any places in the house with unoccupied entry points. If I were to take a look around the house I could find them.”
“Sure. Honey, can you show…uh. What’s your name?”
“Dazai Osamu. The most trusted member of the Armed Detective Agency.” He looks at Kunikida who looks like he wants to punch him.
Mr. Kamiya makes a comment, “Wow, you really brought out the big guns, Kunikida.” Then continues with his request, “Honey, can you show him around? I’ll handle everything else.”
“Alright.” She gets up and leads Dazai out.
While he probably won’t get the chance to look around by himself, it probably won’t be hard to lose her if he needs to look at something on his own.
Kunikida had a sinking feeling in his stomach when we saw Dazai walk out of the room with Tetsuya’s wife. He hopes that Dazai behaves himself.
“So, Doppo, here’s the thing.”
He turns his attention back to Tetsuya while feeling a bit uncomfortable about his given name being used.
Tetsuya puts his hand to the side of his mouth like he’s whispering a secret, “We don’t need you or your partner. Nice pick by the way, not too shabby.” Then winks. Kunikida feels his face heat up a bit at the suggestion. “Seriously though I appreciate you guys coming out here but there really is nothing to worry about.”
“With all due respect Mr. Kamiya-”
“Doppo, please, we’re friends. Call me Tetsuya.”
“I would rather we keep this professional. Threats like these need to be taken seriously and if the threat is credible it might just be best to just cancel the event all together.”
Tetsuya rolls his eyes. “You sound just like my wife. The event is still going to happen but if you really want something to do then you can investigate the threat to your heart's content. I’ll take over for my wife since I don’t want to stress her out.”
“Alright. Let’s create a list of names.” Kunikida pulls out the Ideal from his pocket.
“You still got your notebook?”
“The Ideal, yes.” Kunikida turns to a blank page. “Also I would like to clarify that the relationship between me and Dazai is strictly professional.”
“Really? Do you have a girlfriend? Or boyfriend, I don’t judge.”
“No I don’t. Let’s get back on track.”
Tetsuya reluctantly comes up with names while leaning back in a chair clicking a pen. He seems to be bored by the whole thing and Kunikida can’t fathom how someone can be so calm after being threatened. The list is pretty sizable but it won’t be a problem getting through. All-in-all he’s still on schedule, which is rare if Dazai is around. It makes him wonder just what he’s up to. His thoughts are interrupted by a phone ringing and Tetsuya taps the answering device hanging on his ear.
“Hey, buddy!...Yeah I’m not doing anything right now what’s up.” He spins slowly in his chair. His demeanor quickly changes however and he stops himself. “What do you mean you can’t make it? Dude I’m celebrating the one year anniversary of me purchasing my first winning lottery ticket… Your son is sick? Well can’t you get a sitter or something? I really want you and your wife to be there… Fine, whatever you say man. Yeah it’s not like you two are the whole reason why there’s a vegan option but it’s fine. Be at the hospital, stay with your son… Later.” Tetsuya taps his device again and puts his head in one of his hands and explains to Kunikida. “My cousin can’t make it and he’s vegan and wonders why his malnourished kid is in the hospital. He’s always been jealous of me. You should add him to the list.”
Kunikida writes the name down and puts ‘do not call’ next to it. He sincerely doubts that the man’s cousin is worth checking out.
“You know what. Today is your lucky day Doppo. Since two plates just opened up, how about you and your partner come?” Before Kunikida can give an answer Tetsuya starts talking again. “But then again you two probably won’t have anything to wear. It is white tie afterall…” He snaps his fingers like he has an idea, “I know I’ll call my tailor and you two can get fitted for suits.”
“I appreciate the offer but-”
“No need to thank me, think of it as a down payment for your hard work. Plus you two will be extra security and will have to blend in. Also don’t worry about paying me back, you two couldn’t afford it.”
Kunikida brushes off the insult and forces his annoyance down. “Thank you.”
He starts going on about suits and different fabrics but Kunikida mostly tunes it out until their one-sided conversation is interrupted when his wife walks back in. However, she is without Dazai.
“Hey Honey, call the tailor and put in two orders for suit fittings.” Tetsuya turns to Kunikida. “I’ll have her text you the times.”
She nods and asks him, “Could you show your friend and his partner out? The delivery men are here and I need to direct them.”
“Sure, where is he?”
“I left him by the stairs in the main entrance.”
Oh dear god she left him alone. Tetsuya leads him out of the room and Kunikida silently prays that Dazai hasn’t done anything unspeakable. He has an uneasy feeling in his stomach as they make it to the stairs and Dazai is nowhere to be seen. Kunikida wonders if he should’ve warned them about his partner.
Mrs. Kamiya showed Dazai around the house: the kitchen, the dining room, the living room, the guest rooms, the guest suites, the family guest rooms, the ballroom, and their second ballroom. This place is basically a small hotel. Is this how the rich live? She leads Dazai through the foyer and up the stairs to the bedrooms but Alexander caught up to them right at the top of the stairs. The shipping company called back and wanted to speak to her. She apologizes and tells Dazai that she’ll be right back. Her and Alexander leave Dazai to himself. Rookie mistake.
He goes down the hallway opening doors and looking through windows. The house is surrounded by wilderness, there is a fence that works as a barrier between it and the home but it can easily be scaled. Anyone can break in if they have the right tools. Dazai turns to look at the end of the hallway and a pair of eyes from a child look at him from around a corner. He smiles and walks over to the corner. The child is gone. The muffled sound of laughter comes from behind him and he turns around, at the other end of the hallway he just went down is the same pair of eyes. He walks over to the other corner and again the child is nowhere to be found. More laughter comes from behind him and there is a little girl with black hair standing at the other end of the hallway. She turns a corner and runs away. How did she go back and forth?
Dazai walks a bit faster to catch up with her and he sees her disappear into a room. The door is left slightly open. It’s a bit sad but she reminds him of one of the orphans Odasaku had. Walking down the hallway to the door he remembers the time where he went to visit Odasaku. The chef directed him up the stairs and he heard laughter coming from one of the rooms and looked in. Odasaku layed on the ground with five different children dog-piled on him and with incredible strength he lifted himself from the ground. The children clinged to different parts of clothing on his back and he turned around and purposely fell backwards on top of them. They all screamed with delight and protested for him to get off and all Odasaku could say was that he was tired and this was a perfect place to take a nap.
Those really were the days.
Dazai opens the door and sees the little girl standing at the center of the room. She points at him and screams, “GET HIM!”
He looks and there are bunk beds on both sides of the room. The weight of two small children hit him in the back and he falls to the floor. Two voices call from behind his back.
“We got him!”
“The city is saved!”
They get off of him and Dazai turns around on his back and places his hand on his forehead. He plays into his impromptu role. “Woe is me. You heroes win for now but one day the city will be mine!”
All three of the children laugh and Dazai sits up to look at them. Turns out the little girl was not one but three. There are small differences between all of them but there’s no denying the fact these girls are triplets. They introduce themselves as Yuuka wearing a green sweater and green pants combo and the one to lead Dazai into the room, Saki wearing a pink princess costume, and Ayane wearing an identical version of the costume but in bluw. They decide that they are now tired of playing “princess heroes” and want to have a tea party. What kind of person would he be if he said no.
After half-an-hour of playing tea party and sharing fake gossip about dolls, Kunikida and Mr. Kamiya walk into the room.
Kunikida looks at them and pinches the bridge of his nose. “There you are, Dazai. We’ve been looking all over for you.”
“It seems my little girls got a hold of him.” Mr. Kamiya puts his hands on his hips. “Girls I’m glad you had your fun but Mr. Dazai has to leave now. Say goodbye.”
The girls look at Dazai sadly and he is hit with the image of Odasaku’s kids. Whenever he left they had the same sad look, but it lessened when he promised he would come back. Dazai forces a smile, “Goodbye. I’m sure I’ll see you all another time.” They say goodbye and each give hugs. His heart hurts just a little bit more after each one. Thinking about those kids always brings up memories of that day. The day Odasaku marched to his death.
Kunikida and Dazai go out the door and back into the car. They both sit in silence as they go down the driveway and back onto the main roads. Dazai looks over at his partner. He’s clutching the steering wheel hard and his shoulders are tense. Whatever talk he had with his old friend didn't go well. After a few minutes they are cut off by another driver and Kunikida swears at them.
He honks the horn and shouts. “LEARN TO DRIVE DUMBASS!”
“Kunikida?” Dazai places his hand on the other’s shoulder.
“What!” Realizing what he said, Kunikida quickly changes tune. “Sorry, what is it?”
“I’m guessing your talk with your friend didn’t go well.”
“He’s not my friend and no it didn’t go well. It was like he became someone else when his wife left, he dismissed everything she said and told us not to worry about it. He only wants us to be in the background and we can investigate who the stalker is if we want. I told him the best case of action was to cancel the event altogether because these threats need to be taken seriously.”
“Let me guess, he didn’t respond well to that.”
“No, he didn’t. He said that it’s nothing and that I sound just like his wife. To appease his wife’s concerns he wants us to be there at the celebration for security reasons but we have to act as guests. Oh, then he assumed that neither of us would have anything to wear!”
“So, he just assumes we can’t afford anything nice. What kind of dress code is it?”
“White tie. He acts like this is some big political dinner or something. And yeah I don’t have the kind of suit that would fit the dress code but that doesn’t matter. He ‘oh so graciously’ got us an appointment with his personal tailor to get us fitted for suits for the event. They’re free by the way.”
“Well, that’s not too bad. I bet he mentioned how expensive the suits were and they were the finest silks imported from a specialty farm in Milan.” Dazai puts on a bit of an accent at the end of that statement to lighten the mood. A smile appears on the corner of Kunikida’s mouth and he laughs lightly. It creates a weird feeling inside of Dazai’s stomach seeing his partner smile and laugh like that. He hates feeling that bit of heat rise to his face. Thankfully, Kunikida is too focused on the road to notice.
“I think he mentioned something about a place like that but I tuned it out. We made a list of suspects that I’ll go over once we get back to the agency. We need to work fast since the event is in three days.”
“Aren’t you forgetting something?”
“No, Dazai, I didn’t forget about lunch. Tell me where you want to go.”
Dazai smiles and tells Kunikida the name of the restaurant and smiles even wider when Kunikida asks him to pick somewhere closer. It’s Kunikida’s own fault after all for making a deal with him, he really should’ve known better.