Work Text:
Your fingers hover over your keyboard as you stare at the barely-filled document open in front of you. You mutter nonsense to yourself as you read over the small paragraph again, furrowing your eyebrows.
“This won’t do.” You murmur in disdain as you lay your whole wrist’s weight on the forsaken backspace button, watching every single word you wrote perish right in front of your eyes.
It wasn’t as if you felt any sort of emotion while you watched your work disappear in front of you by will – in fact, the only emotion you currently felt was exhaustion. You were drained; the action of sleep was erased from your schedules the moment your extra AP classes piled up on you, and you weren’t about to risk any mishaps in your final grades, even if it meant neglecting your health, sleep, and relationships for a few weeks. After all, what were you but a list of faultless marks to your parents? That was the constant, toxic reminder that filled your mind with false, temporary hope to keep you going.
“Fuck.” You push your keyboard away, coveting your face with your cold, shivering hands. For the past hour, you’ve been struggling to write a snippet of a good paragraph for your upcoming thesis, and you could barely muster up the energy to even stay awake or function similarly to a normal human being.
“How’s it going?” Kaeya asks quietly, entering your room with a warm cup of tea in hand.
“I can’t write it. I can’t. I’m trying.” You spit out, not looking up at him. You feel him place the cup onto your desk, yet you don’t move or flinch.
“Well, why not try again tomorrow?” He places a soothing hand on your back, “I’m sure some rest will help you concentrate just fine.”
“I can’t rest. I have no time to.” You shake your head, unable to look up at him because you knew he was completely right; this was the second all-nighter you were currently pulling yourself through, and your concentration was practically non-existent at this point.
“Darling, please.” He ushers you, wrapping an arm around your huddled shoulder, “I’ll even wake you up an hour early. How does that sound?”
You close your eyes shut as if it’ll help shut out the sweet temptations your partner offered, “No, no. I’ll be okay. Thank you for the tea.”
Kaeya frowns as he watches you raise your head from your palms, giving him that weak smile of yours that you could barely muster; he knew that smile all too well; it was the same, exact smile you’d display when you were poorly attempting – and failing – to prove that you were alright so that he’d let you hopelessly huddle over your computer screen until four in the morning without carrying you back to bed. He knew that you were hardly concentrating; judging by your prolonged stares at your empty computer screen and the four cleared cups of coffee cramped in the corner of your desk, he knew that you weren’t going to get anything done tonight. He knew that if you’d had the energy, you’d have already been cradling yourself in the warmth of his arms as you huddled the blanket closer to your lidded eyes after happily closing down all of the open documents on your computer.
But that rarely ever happened.
Kaeya rarely ever saw you take a break; it concerned him to infinite ends that sleep wasn’t something that you were fond of, and it had gotten way worse when you’d decided to demolish and erase each and every form of rest off of your weekly agendas because of your classes. Thus leading to your very worried boyfriend bombarding your apartment at night to try and convince you to take a break for your own health – not even for the sake of spending an hour or two watching a movie or going to a restaurant together – but for the sole purpose of your own well-being, which you couldn’t give less of a fuck about as it clearly so appeared.
“[Y/n].” Kaeya tries again, blocking your sight of the computer with his stretched arm, “It’s already one in the morning. Take a break.”
“Later, later.” You try to shoo him off, tilting your head to see past his arm.
“You haven’t even got anything written down. You need to sleep first.” His voice is still calm with a verge of seriousness, “Drink your tea and let’s go to bed.”
“I know what I’m doing. I –” Your desperate lies interrupt themselves with concrete evidence – a yawn.
“You’re barely awake.” Kaeya cups your face in his hands, forcing you to look up at his narrowed, azure eyes, “Please get some sleep. You can always wake up early tomorrow.”
“Kaeya, I’m fine.” You remove his hands off of your face, a tint of aggression shoving through your tone, “I’ll only be up for a couple of hours. I –”
Before you can further interrogate, Kaeya shuts down your computer, and you gasp out in shock as you turn to glare at him.
“What the fuck?” You gasp out, looking at your pitch black computer screen then back at him again, “What do you –”
“Get some rest first.” His hand lies firm on the power button, “Both of us know you’re too tired to write anything.”
“I’m trying!" You clench your fists, then take a deep breath, “Kaeya, darling, please – I’ll only be up for two more hours, okay? Fair deal? Just two more hours won’t do any harm!”
“You’ve already done yourself enough harm the minute you decided straining yourself was a good idea.” Kaeya shakes his head, firmly denying your request. He knows all too well that these two hours of yours would lead up another all-nighter that would have you practically dead when the morning comes.
Your patience starts to run low, and putting aside how much you loved and adored Kaeya, you couldn’t help but feel a wave of desperation as you thought of how much time you were wasting fighting with your boyfriend, “Darling, please –”
“No.” Kaeya looks down at you with a concerned frown, “You’ll have to rest first if you want this thing turned back on.”
You shoot up from your seat, though you remain shorter than Kaeya, “I’ve already told you, it’ll only be for two hours! Can’t you trust me on this?”
“I would’ve trusted you if we didn’t go through this before.” Kaeya contrasts your loud tone with his usual, calm demeanor, “Now go –”
“Fuck!” You shout out, gripping your hair, “Can’t you just let me do what I have to do for once?”
“You mean you’re asking me to sit down and watch you do this to yourself?” Kaeya chuckles in ridicule, “I don’t think so.”
“It’s not like I’m harming myself. I just want to get my thesis done!” You yell, “Just – Fuck!”
You try to shove past Kaeya and through to the thorough, little buttons on your computer, yet expectedly get tied back down by Kaeya’s figure. He towers over you silently, watching you curse and helplessly attempt to squeeze past him in a fit of rage.
“Aren’t you tired?”
Your arms lay idle by your side for a second, and you stand back, looking at your boyfriend with widened eyes, “Aren’t I tired?”
Kaeya crosses his arms, “That’s –”
“Of course I’m fucking tired.” You glare at him, clenching your fists, “Do you think I’m happy doing this? Do you really fucking think I’m doing this all out of my own will?”
Kaeya swallows as he tries to approach you, “[Y/n] –”
“Do you think I’d be up all these nights out of my own fucking will?” You shout vehemently, still glaring at Kaeya, “Do you think I’m neglecting everything I’ve once cared for just because I can?”
Kaeya stays still in his place, unresponsive. He knew all too well that your parents were nothing short of a living hell when it came to academics, yet he’d never imagined that you’d be pushing yourself this far. There were limits for everything, as he always liked to think – and you had already driven yourself far beyond these limits.
Kaeya clears his throat, trying his absolute best to keep his calm, “All I’m suggesting is that you take a break and –”
“Take a break?” You bite your lips and you grit your teeth, “I’d take a break if I didn’t have to be seen as a perfect set of certificates! I’d have taken a break if I actually gave a fuck about –”
And you pause.
You just couldn’t say it, because you knew it was a lie. You knew you cared about your friends and your partner. Saying that you’d take a bullet for them was an understatement itself.
And most of all, he knew.
Kaeya knew.
He was well aware of why you’d been pressuring yourself to the fullest, why you’d been disregarding everything that was once a part of your daily, happy life. Baring all of these things in mind, the only thing that he was left to do was endure; he’d endure the countless nights he was left alone and unaccompanied, he’d endure the shit excuses you gave him for not being able to go out and do something as simple as an evening walk, he’d endured being in a relationship with someone who, simply, paid him no mind or genuine care for months.
Silence envelopes the room which you and Kaeya stood completely motionless in, and you raise a hand to your mouth, almost as if you’d just processed all the things you’d spat out at him.
“Kaeya –” You call out to him in a whisper, and your grip against your mouth tightens, almost as if it would take the words back, “Kaeya..?”
Kaeya doesn’t move further away or closer to you. He only meets your gaze, as if to be completely unaffected, but you knew. You knew that the damage had been done. You were well aware that you couldn’t take back your words.
“Kaeya, I’m so sorry.” Your lips twitch, and you feel a lump forming in your throat, “I really am sorry. I –”
Before you could continue your apology, Kaeya steps towards you, cocooning your whole body in his. He swathed his arms around you, letting your stone-cold hands borrow his own comforting warmth.
That was all it took to free the lump in your throat as your sobs came undone, as you buried your face in the crook of his neck. You wept uncontrollably, unable to stop once you started. You didn’t mean to take out all of your piling pressure on him; you didn’t want him to see you in this state in the first place. You felt terrible – insensitive. You knew it wasn’t his fault – none of this was his fault. It wasn’t, and it will never be, your partner’s fault for trying to spend some time with you and facing your ruthless, impulsive out-lash as a consequence of a purely caring action.
You feel Kaeya pushing his hand against your back slowly, and he leads you to your bed, setting you down with a gentle shove.
“Kaeya –” You croaked, the only thing you spoke being his name. You watch him let go of your figure slowly and walk out of the door with soundless footsteps.
You lowered your head in shame, bringing your palms to your sore, reddened eyes. You didn’t know if he was leaving – you wouldn’t blame him if he was. The past months have been nothing but torment and neglect for him, and you weren’t about to force him to stay if it was his final outbreak to do otherwise.
You were already imagining how the depart conversation would go in your head; he’d fiddle with his fingers and mess with his hair, like he always does before confessing something that saddened or troubled him, and you’d ask him what he’d done this time around. He wouldn’t be able to look you in the eye – you know. He would be silently praying and begging for you to understand why he was so vexed, why he was out of words, because he wouldn’t be able to say it. Because he wouldn’t be able to shove the words out of his lumped throat and mouth. But that’s where you’d step in. That’s where –
“Please drink your tea.”
You snap out of your whirling thoughts, looking up at your boyfriend who had seemed to be standing in front of you for quite a while now.
You take the cup from his hands, almost swaying in its warm and inviting scent. You raise it to your lips, feeling the steam trickle against your cold, shivering skin. You take a gulp of the warm beverage, almost smiling; it had been a long time since you were able to enjoy something as simple as a tranquil cup of tea made by Kaeya. Usually, all you ever had to drink was consecutive doses of caffeine to keep your body jolt and awake. Even the scent of coffee had become one of much hatred to you – nothing but a constant reminder of the liquid you’d drink down to keep you from collapsing for a few hours longer.
As you drink your tea, Kaeya sits down beside you, huddling you closer to him. He brings your head to slightly tilt and rest on his shoulder, while his arm enveloped you in his pacifying warmth that you so much longed for. You don’t move away from him, but shove yourself even closer to him as you feel the light strokes of his arm against your back.
You close your eyes as you take the last sips of your tea, watching the remainders of the drink pool down along the miniscule grains of sugar at the bottom of the cup. That’s when Kaeya knew you were done drinking; he’d always had a habit of teasing you whenever he’d make you your requested cup of tea, never missing the chance to jokingly mock you whenever you’d hand him back the teacup with a dainty amount of the drink remaindering alongside the sugar, claiming that it was ‘too sweet to drink now’.
Kaeya takes the cup from your hands, placing it down on the bedside cupboard. You watch him do so, his arm slightly lifting from your back.
What now?
You bite your lips, clasping your hands together silently. You didn’t know what was about to happen or what Kaeya was about to do. Maybe he’d made you some tea to help you calm down and prepare yourself for the talk you were about to have. The thought of his depart alone made your stomach turn upside down with distort. It completely disheveled you. You knew that things wouldn’t be the same when he’d leave – and you knew that you’ll never be able to peacefully drink a warm cup of tea again without choking against your own tears and guilt.
You thought of calling his name out, of begging him to stay, even though he didn’t even speak of anything just yet – yet your words silently cluttered inside your own mind.
You knew that you’d miss him – even though he isn’t even gone.
“Kaeya,” You choke out, instantly regretting your choice as you are met with his gaze once again. You didn’t know what to say or do – there was practically nothing to say at this point. You’d fucked up, and he was still there. What more to it was there to unfold? There was barely anything running through your mind other than the fact that you needed him to stay with you, even if it was just for one more night.
Your lips twitch, and your mouth opens for a second, pressing shut again. You wanted to talk, to fill the silence and tension that you’d caused. You wanted to do anything other than watch him desperately wait for you to say something to him, to treat him like the decent partner he deserved for once in numerous months.
You completely sit atop your bed, lifting your feet from the cold, bare floor. You drag yourself closer to Kaeya who was sitting on the edge of the other side of the bed, watching you with hesitance.
You bite your lip, reaching out your hand to him. You rest your hand atop his, feeling him shiver under your touch. Kaeya looks up at you, a small smile gracing his lips.
Almost as if he fully understood what you were struggling to initiate and advance, Kaeya slips himself under your layered blanket, opening his arms to you in a way that you could barely ever refuse. Your eyes glimmer, and you fall into his embrace, gluttonous and impatient to procure all of his warmth. You bring your wrists to press against his chest, and you nuzzle your head in the nape of his neck, feeling his tepid breaths brush against your ear.
You weren’t completely sure how long the pair of you stayed that way, enveloped and cocooned in one-another’s restful silence and snugness – it didn’t matter. All you needed at this current moment was his presence and his consolation, which you felt that you were unrightfully receiving to the fullest. From time to time, you would look up and gaze into his beautiful azure eyes, a sense of guilt striking you whenever he looked back at you with his usually coveted eye. You didn’t even know how he was comfortable showing it around you anymore.
Almost unconsciously, you slither your hand up to his cheek, stroking your fingers right beneath his right eye. He doesn’t flinch or move your hand away, but instead leaves you be. He wanted all of your affection – whether it was sharing your gloves on a cold morning walk or holding him close, just like this. He didn’t mind in which form you showed your fondness for him; after consecutive months of being practically put aside and neglected, all he could yield for was a glimpse of your love again, no matter how minimal.
Kaeya knew all too well that you didn’t mean to push him aside; he knew how horrendously your parents would treat you when you’d show even the slightest slip of grades in any classes you took. He knew that they’d constantly threaten you with enrolling you out of the university, which would be a living nightmare for you, if he were to say the least. Kaeya knew how much the university meant to you – this place was everything to you. It practically indulged you in your first ever everything: your first every parties, hangovers, sneak outs, partners. You’d gotten a chance to do all of the things you’d never even dared to think about the minute you were given a dorm and some decent human privacy. To have all of that taken away from you in the blink of an eye was unfortunately possible, and Kaeya had to live with the overbearing fear that there was a possibility that you’d be dragged away from him at any moment without neither his nor your knowledge.
Kaeya looked down at you, smiling warmly when he found you fast asleep, still cupping his cheek. He pulled the covers closer to the two of you, snuggling in your warmth. At least he knew that he could lose himself in your embrace once more, even if it was for just one more night.