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There were very few things Wylan disliked about his new life, and being with Jesper was definitely not one of them.
Ever since his mother left, Wylan never thought the Van Eck mansion could be filled with any sort of happiness and laughter again, and he thanked Chezen for being wrong.
Of course things back then weren't perfect, in fact, they were pretty far from that. His father used to do everything in his power to remind Wylan of his issue. His several teachers, tutors, specialists... None of them were able to find a cure for it and the disappointment in Jan Van Eck's voice was something that would keep haunting Wylan until the end of his life. Nevertheless, that never kept Myra from caring for him. To constantly remind Wylan they would find a way to deal with this together, even if there wasn't a way to make him read. He remembered to hold tight to these words of comfort after she passed away, because they wouldn't come from anyone else. Jan Van Eck got more impatient each year, constantly trying to find a way to fix his invalid son, and he eventually grew tired of waiting.
Jan unsuccessfully tried to kill Wylan and after weeks of starvation and gaining very few kruges at a miserable job, he met Jesper and, eventually, joined the Dregs.
Now, if someone had told him that a bunch of liars, thieves, war criminals and killers would've become the closest thing to having a family, Wylan would straight up assume that he finally lost his mind. These people, each in their own way, have showed nothing but support and care for him. But, of course, there was a person in particular that made him feel especially loved and cared...
Wylan believed that waking up by Jesper's side every morning and going to sleep with him every night was the closest thing to heaven he would be able to experience. His energy, his humor and his affection were able to distract Wylan from the horrible memories that took place in that mansion.
Well, at least for most of the times.
~
Wylan wishes he could skip the part where he had to deal with Jan Van Eck's business partners.
Previous business partners
He reminded himself
It was hard to not feel like an impostor while being in a room with the richest and most successful men in Ketterdam. Of course this kind of visit wasn't something new in the Van eck mansion. His father used to host inumerous meetings or big extravagant parties for fellow merchants and, as a child, Wylan particularly hated to attend these types of events. He never knew how to behave or what to say in order to blend in and every attempt to do so ended up with his father's signature phrase
" Is it so hard to act like a normal person?"
Eventually, Wylan went from offended to relieved when Jan started "suggesting" he stayed in his room until the end of all social gatherings.
Now there he was, aware of each and every move he did while being in front of so many familiar faces. Faces of people he occasionally saw while shyly looking up from his chemistry books during a ball.
" Why would you let he bring this!? "
Jan would shout at one of the maids
" Give it, boy! "
He'd take it out of Wylan's hands.
Suddenly, something starts to touch his leg from under the table. Wylan looks down quickly and notices Jesper's hand placed on top of it. Now he realized his leg was shaking.
The merchling was constantly grateful to have his boyfriend around but, in moments like this, he figured to be even more blessed. One of the merchants kept talking to some other colleagues and Wylan felt relieved for not being the center of this conversation, since he couldn't make sense to a word that's been said.
" As soon as they finish, we'll have to drop the bomb... "
Jesper attempted to whisper but his voice was anything but discrete.
Thank god they're focused on something else
" I was thinking, maybe we could leave it for the next meeting..."
They had discussed and decided to tell their business partners about the budget cut today, but Wylan felt like the dinner he had earlier was crawling it's way back to his mouth. Maybe they could find a way to manage this issue until next week.
There's no other way, you idiot. Now it's time to stop acting like a spoiled child and speak up.
Jan's voice echoed through his mind
" I mean, we could, but I'm not sure if it'll change anything. "
Wylan knew Jesper was right. As soon as they told the merchants about the decision to end one of their partnerships, the best it would be for them to reorganize and prepare themselves for a rupture. The racional part of his brain claimed it was the correct decision, nevertheless, that never kept the merchling from listening to some other voice occupying his mind. A voice that blamed him for being so careless, so irresponsible, so...
Stupid.
He hated that word more than he was able to begin expressing but something he hated even more was that it applied to him.
Wylan was completely clueless when it came to actually manage his father's empire. Jesper was always there to give a helping hand, reading the documents and coming up with clever solutions, but he couldn't help but feel responsible for the business's success and, on their case, failure. A couple of bad management decisions resulted in a poor administration of the money. They were still in a very privileged position, but not privileged enough to maintain all the partnerships. He needed to cut some of them and it needed to be fast.
Still, he didn't think he could bare to actually say it. To admit in out loud he was a fraud that had no idea of what he's doing and will eventually bring himself and his boyfriend to live back in the streets.
Such a thought was responsible for his racing heart.
" Gentlemen. If you don't mind, let's extend the debate for the rest of the table, shall we?"
Jesper said, bringing their attention to the two boys again. He probably realized Wylan's current inability to engage on their conversation.
Great to know that even after quitting the diapers, you still require a babysitter
Wylan desperately tried to silence these thoughts. To silence the voice.
Shut up! He's my boyfriend and he noticed I'm not okay. I could actively participate in any other day.
He wasn't lying. During negociations, he usually brought himself to act as if he wasn't new in all of this. That he knew what he was doing. Unfortunately, all logic was unimportant now.
You know he'll eventually get tired of carrying you around, right?
The merchants were listening to Jesper as he spoke, but they couldn't help but glance at Wylan, who barely said a word during the entire meeting
How selfish can you be to expect he'll keep putting up with your burden?
He had to say it, now. He needed to say something. Anything.
Can't you simply do something brave in your pathetic life and speak up?
God damnit, just SPEAK UP!
All of the looks in the room were staring at him as he stood up.
Pure and complete silence filled the room as they all kept waiting, unsure of what was about to happen.
Go on.
"I-i just wanted to let you know..."
Wylan began.
Admit to everyone in this room, including yourself, that you ruin everything you touch.
"I'm sorry but..."
The words got stuck in his throat, blocked by a lump. Deep down, Wylan knew he couldn't bring himself to do it.
" Excuse me."
He barely finished to speak as he left his father's office, looking for the bathroom.
~
Sitting on the bathroom floor and hiding from the rest of the world had once been a common habit for the merchling, but the person he was avoiding now was no longer his father. In fact, they were the absolutely opposite. Jesper was loving, kind and sweet. The first person that made Wylan feel loved and accepted for who he truly is. The only one to see all he constantly tried to keep hidden.
Still, he couldn't bring himself to answer.
" Wylan, where are you !?"
Even while sobbing desperately, the merchling could hear Jesper calling out to him. He realized the voice was not close enough to his hiding place.
Wylan felt bad for doing this to his boyfriend. To make him worry for no fucking reason and then just leave him without answers, but the merchling figured he'd feel even worse if Jesper saw him like this.
He wouldn't judge me. He would try to help
The younger boy repeated it to himself because he knew it was true. Jesper would never lift a finger to hurt him or say anything to make him feel bad. Objectively, Wylan knows it, but there's this part of himself that won't let comfort in. A part that's scared of letting someone else see him in such a state. He didn't have a great experience with showing weakness before.
But there was something else.
Something even deeper that simply needed to let Wylan suffer, as some sort of punishment or justice. He wasn't sure. It just felt right for him to be left alone during a moment like this because he didn't deserve love. He didn't deserve any kind of words of affirmation or being held into loving arms. He simply didn't.
Sure. Because who would be able to love someone so weak, so small, so...so...
"Pathetic"
Wylan hardly managed to say, as the tears wouldn't stop rolling.
The words that constantly floated through his mind had once again gained voice, being even louder than the usual.
Why did he have to be born this way? Why couldn't he be normal? Why did the tiniest little things have to affect him so deeply?
Wylan would never be able to understand for what reason Jesper decided to stick around. Why would he waste his time with a stupid spoiled little merchli-
"Wy?"
He hears Jesper's voice at the door. The younger boy didn't realize he was crying so audibly until now
Fuck
" Wy, can i come in? "
It was hard to speak but he managed to let out the only thing that crossed his mind.
"please, don't."
Wylan hears Jesper's frantic steps, pacing around the hall. His heart aches.
Why am I doing this to him?
" Look, i sent the merchants away. I told them we came across an emergency and we could discuss any sort of matter next week, alright? There's nothing to worry about now. "
The merchling just kept quiet. He didn't know if he should start thanking his boyfriend for being so supportive or kicking himself for leaving him alone and acting like a child. Everything just felt too much.
He covers his face with the arms in an attempt to silence the sobbing
" You sure you don't want me to come in? "
Jesper didn't get a word but, a few moments after, the door got unlocked.
" Oh, babe..."
Jesper kneeled down next to Wylan, who couldn't bring himself to look up. He just kept staring at the ground and trying to hold back the tears. It was a useless effort, and he knew it. Even if the younger boy could hold them back, he was sure that the puffy eyes and red nose wouldn't leave any space for other interpretations.
" Jes, i-i'm sorry for this. For ruining everything, i didn't mean to, i swear. I've tried to make it stop, i really did but- He's right, Jes. He was always right, he knew i wasn't able to do this. That i wasn't able to do anything, i..."
"Wylan, breathe"
Jesper took a deep breath and Wylan took the cue to follow him. The air invading his lungs seemed to clear some of the thoughts that kept running through his mind, but unfortunately, none of them were good. Now that everything made more sense, it was hard to not just fall back into the spiral.
" Hey, look at me "
Wylan dared to look up and found his boyfriend's patient glance directed at him. He could see a bit of worry too, but knowing Jesper the way he knew, he was trying his best to not let it show.
"May we give another try? I'm sure you can do it"
The younger boy nodded and they kept taking deep breaths together. Everytime Jesper sensed his boyfriend was about to spiral again, he started asking him some questions. Nothing too hard so it wouldn't overwhelm him, but simple things.
"Remmeber the haircut of the waitress from that waffle place Nina told us? It was a bold choice, for sure "
Jesper would start. If Wylan showed any sign of engaging on the conversation, he kept going.
" I mean, three year olds shouldn't have hair salons. You can end up with an ear cut off and, in the worst case scenario, a haircut like that. "
" Stop it, you're being mean."
Wylan says but a shy smile took place in his face. Jesper dramatically puts a hand on his chest and does his best offended impression .
" Oh honey, I'm just being honest. What a pity no one around them did the same"
They've spend sometime between breathing exercises and silly conversations until Wylan started to feel ready to leave his hiding place.
" Alright, love. Should we go to our room? "
Jesper said while wrapping his arm around Wylan's waist.
" Yeah, i could really use some rest now"
" You're wish is my command, merchling"
Jesper started walking to the stairs when Wylan suddenly grabbed his hand. The tall boy turns to him.
" I just wanted to thank you for being with me. Really"
Wylan says, still embarrassed for being such a mess back there but too tired to dive into that again.
" I'll always want to be here with you. Never an obligation or a duty. It's a pleasure."
Wylan couldn't help but smile.
He still had a lot on his chest from everything he revisited that night and he knew Jesper would be willing to listen to all he had to say about it, but now all Wylan wishes is to lay in bed and enjoy his own little piece of heaven.