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Inevitability. When he looked back over the years of determined searching his life had become, he wondered if this was all he would ever find. Was this all that he was meant to be? The man who got a taste of his salvation, only to have it ripped from his grasp time and again? Perhaps this was the universe's way of punishing him for past wrongs. But what had he done to deserve this?
Arthur had no illusions that he was a saint, or even a particularly good person. He was all too aware of his faults. He had them shoved in his face on a regular basis, in fact. Still, this constant reminder that his perfect other half, the man who completed him, whom he loved with his whole being, was out there, but always just out of his reach... this was a special brand of hell.
Sometime after his Merlin had left him, he came to terms with the fact that he had been a selfish prat. That maybe he wasn’t entirely wrong, but he held most of the blame. That he needed Merlin as much as he needed the air that he breathed. And that he would do anything to earn the man back. And so began his search.
For a long time, he found nothing, but his determination never wavered. When he first found Merlin, he had been ecstatic. He had approached the man, ignoring all the idiosyncrasies in his findings, but the way Merlin stared at him had finally given him pause. He had never figured out that first Merlin, the way that he looked at Arthur like he was a god to be worshipped but also feared. Arthur had been frightened, if truth be told, though he still tried to help the man. By then, he knew that somehow, though identical, this was not his Merlin. He should have known from the start. This Merlin had a family - a mother, a younger sister, and a deceased father. He was too young by a few years and, of course, he was traumatized. Arthur had tried to help anyway - this was still his soulmate, the love of his life, right? - but in the end, he had had to back off. Merlin’s delicate condition had started deteriorating after the reappearance of the man who had once abandoned him.
At this point, before Arthur had even the faintest understanding of why he and his lover were cropping up around the world and living out their possible outcomes, Arthur had started to bear the guilt of the Arthur who had come before him. He never did meet this version of himself, the version that would ruin Merlin’s beautiful brain and then leave it to fester, but he hated him. There was nothing that could excuse his behavior. And though Arthur had never made this particular decision, he had begun to understand the implication: given the right circumstances, he could. He could be the nightmare that haunted that Merlin. And he hated himself for it.
Nevertheless, he continued his search. Somewhere, there was a man who brought out the best in Arthur. Arthur was confident that once they were reunited, he could be better than this other version of himself. He had now seen how bad it could get and he was more than motivated to create the relationship that showed how good it could get. He knew Merlin loved him back, that had never been in question, and he knew that he would never again take their happiness for granted. He would work himself to the bone every day to give Merlin what he deserved. He knew that, with every fiber of his being.
Unfortunately, the next Merlin he found was not his Merlin either. Time after time, he unearthed new, different Merlins. They always greeted him differently too: with pity, with disgust, with anger, even with desperation or happiness. But there was always something off; it was never his Merlin. Arthur stopped approaching his discoveries. He just faced the facts, and if they did not line up, he knew his search must go on. It was shocking how many times Merlin was alone, without an Arthur. It was heartbreaking. Maybe not every break-up was an Arthur's fault, but Arthur always blamed himself for not fighting to keep what they had.
He held the guilt of a thousand Arthurs on his shoulders. In his darkest moments, he begged himself to call off the search. He didn’t want to know how many more times he had failed Merlin. He wouldn't, though. Somewhere out there was his own Merlin, and Arthur needed to make it right, at least once. Just once, he had to prove to himself, to Merlin, to fate itself, that he was worthy of his other half. That loving and then losing Merlin was not an inevitability.
~ ~
Recently, he had eased off of the search for 'where' and put more effort into the 'why'. Why were there countless examples of Merlin and Arthur scattered across the world? The Arthurs varied - this one had red hair, this one had an angry streak, this one was too short. However, every iteration of Merlin was the same in its perfection. Obviously they all had different backgrounds and experiences to draw from, but they were all so very Merlin. Arthur didn’t know why he could find Merlin everywhere and nowhere. He wanted to understand, because maybe there was an explanation for this.
It was during this time of research that he stumbled across yet another Merlin. It was chance, really. He had heard of a man found stranded at sea, dying of hypothermia, exhaustion, and dehydration. He had seen a picture. And then he had bullied and bribed his way into the hospital room where Merlin was recovering.
No one knew where he had come from or who he was. Only Arthur had an idea. So he sat in a chair and waited for Merlin to wake up.
"Arthur," he croaked while Arthur was dozing. Arthur immediately bolted upright and focused his eyes on the man before him. Merlin offered a weak smile and then said, "I've been looking for you."
Arthur’s heart had almost stopped. Could this be it? Had he found his Merlin? But no, his Merlin would not be looking for him, even if three years had passed. His Merlin would be angry, not relieved, almost as if... he had reached a goal.
Arthur talked to this Merlin and he gave answers when he could. He was weak still, but Arthur stuck around and helped with the recovery. This Merlin was searching for his Arthur. He had disappeared three years ago without a trace, and this Merlin was determined to find him and bring him home. It was the closest to a happy ending Arthur had found in all the situations he had encountered. They weren’t together, but they had been forced apart by circumstance, not driven each other apart. It was hope in a time when Arthur needed it most, when he was starting to think that he had made a mistake and that he and Merlin were nothing more than a catalyst for disaster.
This version of Merlin had met many of the others. He understood where Arthur was coming from in his confusion and frustration while searching for his other half. And he was Merlin. They didn't have a shared past, not exactly, but they still knew each other inside and out. They instantly connected, which just made sense. They were Merlin and Arthur, after all. They loved each other. They had each spent three years of their respective lives devoted to finding each other. And for a moment... they had a peace neither had known for a very long time.
"We could do this, you know," Merlin said softly. He was to be released from the hospital in two days, after nearly two weeks of arduous recovery time. Arthur had been by his side through every instant of it.
Merlin didn’t look at Arthur and Arthur didn’t respond at first. The words hung heavy and tempting between them. "Merlin," Arthur breathed, heart aching.
"I know. I know everything, maybe even better than you. But we work together, and neither of them are here. We are." Merlin turned to him then. He looked desperate. He wanted to just give in, and Arthur did too. "We deserve our happiness, don't we?" he asked plaintively.
Arthur let out a slow breath. "We do. I think we do," he responded truthfully. He looked Merlin in the eye, and Merlin was silently begging him to say it, to make it final. The temptation to ignore him was strong, but he chose to be brave. "But it's not about us," Arthur breathed. "It can never be about us, or we lose the right to even ask for them back. You have an Arthur out there somewhere who needs you. And my Merlin... he has to know that I at least tried." Arthur dropped his eyes and listened to Merlin breathe.
"He won't hate you, Arthur. I know how easy it is to be jaded, but I also know how much I love you. How much he loves you. We... we need you just as much as you need us."
It was an awkward situation sometimes, being in love with each other, having everything right there, but never being allowed to touch. They had agreed up front that fidelity meant drawing a line between the two of them. Merlin knew that Arthur wanted him, and he wanted Arthur back wholeheartedly, but there was another Merlin out there. Another Arthur. They couldn’t take advantage of their closeness without also betraying each other.
Arthur looked up with a faint smile in his eyes. It was easy to believe it was the truth, when it was said with Merlin’s voice. And he had to have faith, or everything he had done would become worthless.
"Thanks, Merlin. Listen, I know you don't have a place lined up yet. Come to my apartment." He swallowed around a lump growing in his throat. "Stay in my spare bedroom. I am sitting on more money than one man should ever own, and while I usually use it for finding Merlin, it only makes sense to let you use it for finding Arthur too. We can help each other."
Merlin worried his lower lip with his teeth. He liked to be out in the world, moving around, to feel productive. Arthur knew that. But he also wanted Merlin to be safe. To find his happiness. And to relax in knowing he was taken care of in the meantime. Merlin sighed. "You make too good of an offer to refuse," he admitted. Arthur smiled.
~ ~
~ ~
Merlin found his lead the day before Arthur. It had been a month of comfortable cohabitation. Even though they couldn’t be lovers, they were still best friends, and goodbye was hard. It was only made more stranger knowing that they would soon find their real other halves, not easier. They decided that this would be it - no looking back. If there was any chance either one found who they were looking for, they would have to be left alone. The consequences of staying a part of each others' lives were too complex to even consider. Their parting was somber.
Still, when Arthur boarded his train to Cardiff, he felt excitement. Everything pointed in the right direction this time. There were no erroneous details. He honestly thought his luck had turned, and he was traveling to see Merlin. His Merlin. The Merlin who had left him. His excitement fizzled and died, leaving cold dread in its wake, but Arthur would not turn back. He watched the countryside fly by his window, wondering what Merlin had been doing in Australia, and why he had chosen to come back now.
When he arrived in Cardiff, he took a cab to the address he had found and knocked on the door calmly. He may have been afraid of what lie ahead, but he would not hold back. Never again.
Merlin opened the door and Arthur knew immediately that this was it. This was his Merlin. His face had hosted warring emotions for a split second, but now it was blank. Wary, if anything.
"Arthur," he said after a long silence. Arthur tried to reach towards him, hesitated, and then spoke his name. Merlin sighed, looking sad now, and said, "Why don't you come in?"
Arthur walked into the flat, but didn’t look around. His eyes could not leave Merlin. "Merlin," he said again.
Merlin gave a soft huff that might pass for laughter. "Why have you come here, Arthur?"
"I came to ask your forgiveness," he said promptly.
Merlin raised a brow. "Isn't it a little late for that? You haven't said anything to me in three years." Arthur’s mouth went dry. He should explain, he needed to say something. Instead, he just stared, taking in the way that Merlin's mouth had acquired fine lines around it. The way that his eyes wouldn't quite meet Arthur's, but they were just as blue as ever. The way that despite his aloof mask, his fingers were fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. "Arthur..." Merlin prompted.
"I was looking for you," he managed. "This whole time, I've been looking."
Merlin sighed. "I forgave you a long time ago, Arthur."
Arthur’s heart sped up, but Merlin's posture did not change and his eyes did not leave the floor. "Then, we -"
"Stop. I know what you want. But we tried this already, right? We fucked it up."
Arthur breathed in the acceptance that Merlin offered him. He used the word 'we' not 'you'. The tiniest shred of Arthur’s eternal guilt fell away. Then, he smiled with confidence. He knew what to say now. "We didn't fuck anything up, Merlin, we gave up. And that was the worst mistake of my life. I know you. I know who you could be, all the possibilities you have. But more importantly, I know who you are now. I helped make you that way. I have seen what you can do if you don't have me to hold you back, but I have never seen what you can do with me to support you. I want to see that, Merlin. I want to see how great we can be. So give us a second chance, and I will spend every ounce of energy I have on giving you everything you deserve. I'm not perfect by any means, and I will make more mistakes, but I can promise you, I have seen the worst I can do and I will always work towards doing the best I can do. I love you Merlin, and if I am doomed to screw up in every other life, I swear to you I will make this the one where we defy our fate and create something good. You aren't just a man I fell in love with once. You are everything I will ever need, so I won't stop fighting for us, whatever it takes."
Merlin looked intimidated and confused. Reasonably so, as he didn’t know about their clones all around the world. He didn’t know that the odds were against them, and that Arthur wasn’t even sure if it was possible to achieve their happiness. Choosing to be together was a risk, but Arthur would not even consider any other option. And he knew already that Merlin would throw caution to the wind if he wanted to be with Arthur. He could only pray that his Merlin wanted that too.
Merlin was processing. His eyes were wet, but he shed no tears. He stared at Arthur. "Merlin," Arthur said gently and grasped his hand. He could not hold back any longer. "I will explain everything to you. Just tell me... are you willing to try again?"
Merlin took two measured breaths, then suddenly squeezed Arthur's hand back. "I trust you. And I will always love you. So if you think we can make it, I will try again, over and over. However many times it takes." A tear rolled out of the corner of his eye then, but Merlin’s face had settled on one emotion: hope.