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but I can feel a kick down in my soul

Summary:

"I bet you boys would get along well."

"Hah, yeah..." Riku trails off in response. She knows the dream gave her shorter hair, but she hadn't thought it had changed her appearance that drastically. She hasn't been confused for a boy for ages; the last person who'd gotten it wrong was Kairi, back on the day she washed up on the islands. It's... Weird, to hear that come up again.

She should correct Shiki. She doesn't.

---

In which Riku speedruns his trans and gay awakenings during the events of DDD and KH3.

Notes:

The world needs more trans Riku, so what better way to celebrate pride month than posting some self indulgent trans joy?

Some content notes before we get into it: Riku is referred to with she/her pronouns until he figures his shit out. Other characters refer to him as such before he comes out. He doesn't face any other transphobia.

Title from still feel. by half alive

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

"You know, you remind me of this guy I know," Shiki muses, punctuating her speech with little gestures from Mr. Mew. "He's shy too, but he also helped me out in a pinch. Good luck getting him to admit it, though." She smiles. "I bet you boys would get along well."

"Hah, yeah..." Riku trails off in response. She knows the dream gave her shorter hair, but she hadn't thought it had changed her appearance that drastically. She hasn't been confused for a boy for ages; the last person who'd gotten it wrong was Kairi, back on the day she washed up on the islands. It's... Weird, to hear that come up again.

She starts to form a response, but Shiki cuts her off. "Well, good thing we met!"

"Yeah, great," Riku responds, having a hard time keeping the sarcasm out of her voice. It's not a big deal. She'll just correct Shiki at some other point, the next time it comes up, whenever.


The nightmare bursts into motes of light, and Riku takes a beat before lowering her guard. A half-second of footsteps behind her is all the warning she gets before Beat half-tackles her, dropping an arm around her neck. Far too close to her ear, he shouts, "Thanks, man, you really showed that thing!"

Beat can't be confused too, right? That might just be a figure of speech, it doesn't mean anything, it-

"Making the deal with the black cloak guy was pretty dumb," Beat turns to shout at Shiki, voice dampened to less painful levels now that he's facing away. "But I guess it's okay that you set Riku up, cuz he took care of it so easily."

Shiki yells something indignant back, but Riku doesn't catch it. Had the nightmare gotten off one last thundaga before fading away? She certainly feels like she's been struck by lightning. "He" sends something crackling up her spine; her heart beats in an erratic rhythm, pumping a burning heat into her cheeks. Instinctually, she shifts her head down so her hair will fall forward and hide her, but the shorter hair doesn't offer the same coverage. Mostly it just results in her staring at the ground, face still on full display.

Thankfully, Beat and Shiki are too busy arguing for either of them to notice her. She takes a deep breath and holds it, willing the colour to fade and for her heart to get back on schedule. She should correct them. If she wants to correct them both, now is the time.

...does she want to correct them?

The uncertainly surprises her. She prods at her heart - where is that coming from? Is she feeling anxious about having to speak up about it? Dreading being the center of attention while they awkwardly apologize?

That doesn't seem quite right. She may not be Sora levels of sociable, but she's at least improved somewhat over the course of their adventures. And what was that lightning feeling?

A memory clicks into place, and she realizes with a start that this feeling isn't brand new. She's felt it before. Back when Kairi had first recognized her, despite wearing Ansem's face. When Sora had done the same. It felt like... Being seen. But why that, why now, why-

Beat's hand tightens on her shoulder, and it snaps her back to the present. He starts dragging her forward, past the lingering smoke of the nightmare, onto whatever the next challenge is. Whatever is going on with her, it can wait.


It's not until she's dropped into the next world - cobblestone streets and a church in the distance - that Riku has a moment alone to think about what happened. She hopes that the nightmares hold off long enough for her to work through... Whatever this is.

She thinks about that feeling of recognition. How she'd felt it when Kairi and Sora had recognized her. How she distinctly hadn't felt it upon getting her original body back.

She'd dismissed it at the time. Almost immediately after getting her body back, she and Sora had been pulled into an exhausting series of battles. She didn't get the chance to so much as look at her reflection until they found themselves on the shore of the dark margin.

She had stepped into the water first. Waited a second for the chill to set in. The cold would ground her, would allow her to properly connect the body she was in with the one she could see, allow her to actually believe she was back. But when she looked down, she felt... Nothing. Another face stared back at her, distorted by the waves lapping at the beach. She was grateful it wasn't Ansem's face, certainly, but she still struggled to connect with it. Objectively, this was her face. She frowned at the water, and saw the expression reflected back, but it felt... Distant. Like an expression that didn't quite reach the eyes.

In the end, she wrote it off as a side effect of the adrenaline leaving her body. Surely it was expected to feel a little weird after everything they had gone through.

Now though... Now it makes her wonder.

She wanders the streets until she finds a public fountain. This time, the water is still, no ripples to distort the reflection. The face that looks back at her is unfamiliar, subtly masculine beyond the shorter hair, although she can't put her finger on the specifics. But when she frowns... She recognizes herself in that. She feels a connection here, the one that was so clearly missing before. Testing her luck, she tries a smile.

...she's never seen that expression on her face before. It's... Softer than she expected. Not the smirk she's used to. But it's good. Genuine, and it's that a novelty for her.

Kiro lands in her shoulder, and she takes a moment to pet the bat's head. Riku likes looking like this, she decides. Likes this more masculine face and frame. Even if it does apparently make everyone think she's a boy.

But then, it's not like she's rushing to correct them, is she?

Being seen as a boy just felt so much... easier. It's not that she hates being a girl, but she does feel like she's very bad at it. But Shiki, Beat, and Joshua weren't expecting her to act like a girl. They didn't judge her for all the ways she failed to perform the role of "girl" correctly, because it didn't even cross their minds to do so. She was just able to exist, as a boy.

"Kiro," he asks, tentative and quiet, even though the square is empty except for them. "I don't have to be a girl, do I? At least not here."

The bat trills and pushes her head harder against his hand. He'll take that as a yes.


It's not until Quasimodo calls himself a monster that Riku thinks about what this might mean back in the waking world.

The line tumbles out of his mouth automatically, without thought: "A good friend sees you for who you are, no matter what face you wear."

It does little to assuage Quasimodo's fear of the world outside the walls of the cathedral. Riku tries to encourage him, but also can't exactly blame him for that feeling.

His friends saw through his face before, but would they do it again? If he told them what he'd learned about himself, would they understand him? And whether they would or not, was he brave enough to share in the first place?

Maybe he's the last person who should be giving this kind of advice.


He's happy, sure, he should be ecstatic, but when Riku eats the celebration cake after waking Sora up, it crumbles to ash in his mouth. It's not enough to ruin the joy of having Sora back, of having Sora safe, but he can't help but also mourn the body he left behind.

He can't help but mourn the gender he'd left behind. Sitting in a room with all these people who look at him and see a girl who isn't there, who maybe hadn't ever been there, is suffocating. Riku keeps a small smile plastered on his face, forcing the tension down into his fists. When he looks over, Sora is studying him with a curious expression on his face. He watches that expression shift into a small frown.

Sora taps on his wrist. "Riku, can I talk to you outside for a minute?"

From his slouch in the corner, Lea lets out a shrill wolf whistle. "Confessing right after she saved your hide? Good luck, kid."

Riku's fingernails bite into his palm. He doesn't feel blood, but he doesn't think it's that far off, either. "Knock it, Lea."

Sora's gaze flashs down to Riku's hand, then back over to Lea. "Yeah come on, it's not like that." He turns back to Riku, wrapping his hand around Riku's wrist. "Let's get out of here."

Lea raises his hands in mock surrender and stays mercifully silent as they leave the room.

Sora leads him down the tower's twisting corridors. They keep walking long past when the residual chatter from Master Yen Sid's office fades away.

"Sorry about that." A door appears; Sora pushes it open and they emerge onto a small balcony. "You just seemed like you needed some air. A bit too much attention, huh?"

Riku hesitates. "Yeah, something like that."

"Is it something else? Is it what Lea said? I know he's on our side now but I can still beat him up-"

"No, no, please don't attack him," Riku sighs. "It's not that. It's just... I learned something, in the Sleeping Realms. I'm not sure what to do about it. I don't know if I can do anything about it."

"Something good or something bad? Do you want to talk about it?"

"Honestly... I'm not sure. Not yet," Riku pauses. "I do want to talk to you about it but just... Not yet."

"I'll be here whenever you're ready," Sora smiles. "Besides, whatever it is, I'm sure you can handle it. I'm sure if anyone can do anything about it, it's you, Master Riku."

"Sora," Riku draws out the name almost as long as Sora draws out the title. It gets muffled at the end when he drops his face into his hands.

"Seriously though, I know you can do it. Also, I did want to talk to you about something else. I need to run a quick errand after this, but I also wanted to thank you again. For everything." Sora throws his arms around Riku, pulling him down into the embrace. When Riku's chest presses into Sora's, it's just another reminder of what he's lost. The fact that he can't just enjoy this moment for what it is makes his stomach twist.

"You don't need to thank me, Sora," Riku mumbles into his hair, pressing the feelings down. "I know you'd do the same for me. I do have a favor to ask, though."

Sora pulls back to meet Riku's eyes and gives an emphatic nod. "Of course, anything."

Riku chuckles. "It's nothing huge. But I was hoping you could cut my hair?"

"Oh! Like your hair in the sleeping realms? I think I can do that," Sora springs into action, grabbing Riku's hand once more to drag him to the nearest bathroom.

"Right, you said you were watching," Riku starts. How much had he seen, exactly? But Sora doesn't say anything else about it, so Riku decides not to think and lets himself be dragged along instead. The tower materializes a bathroom for them pretty quickly, and it even provides a pair of scissors and folded up smock on the counter.

"Thanks, tower!" Sora tosses the smock towards Riku and picks up the scissors for himself. "You'll need to lean down a bit, though," Sora pouts. "I can't believe you got this tall while I was asleep."

"Sorry?" Riku offers, bending slightly. He feels something knock into the back of his calves, and sits down into the newly materialized chair. "Thank you, tower."

"So as short as in the dream, right?" Sora's already running his fingers through Riku's hair, lifting chunks and gauging how much to take off.

"Yeah," Riku replies. "I realized I could... See the world a bit better, like that. Figured it might be nice to have for the real world too."

Sora smiles, lining the scissors up for the first snip. "I bet it'll help the world see you better too. Your hair is really pretty at this length, but I'm looking forward to being able to see your eyes more!"

That sends a torrent of confused emotions roiling through Riku's gut. Riku would be lying if he claimed he took no pride in his appearance. But "pretty" is a just another torn in his side, tonight. His hands curl into fists in his lap.

"Hey," Sora withdraws the scissors, placing them back on the counter. "It's been a busy day, we don't have to do this now if you don't want."

"No, I want to do this," Riku takes a deep breath. "Keep going. Please."

Sora looks at him for a moment, then steps forward with a nod. The first chunk of hair falls.

Riku really hopes his hair won't look pretty, after this is done. He won't hold out hope for handsome, but he could be happy with not being pretty.

Sora is a bit hesitant at the start, but he quickly falls into a groove. Soon he's chattering away absently while he works. Riku lets the sound of it wash over him.

Riku's mom hadn't been happy about it growing up, but he had always preferred to have Sora cut his hair. Sora had learned from his own mom when he was 9, after a particularly bad incident with tree sap. Sora had managed to get so much into his hair that it was going to be easier to cut out. He had initially been distraught, but when his mom offered to let him do it (with her guidance) it instantly turned things around. His hair was weird and choppy for a month or two until it was long enough to even out, but he was so proud of his handiwork. He'd kept it up ever since, cutting both Riku and Kairi's hair as needed. It meant more time with Sora, and less time trying to make small talk with a stranger, so it was an easy win in Riku's book. Plus, Riku's mom's concerns didn't even make sense - Sora might have gone crazy with his own hair, but he was always pretty tame with the Riku and Kairi, less experimental with the girls' hair. Well, girl and Riku now, he muses. That might take some getting used to.

"Done!" Sora exclaims, pulling Riku out of his memories. "What do you think?"

Riku stares at his reflection in the mirror. He doesn't look exactly like he had in the sleeping realms, but it's a hell of a lot closer.

"It's perfect," Riku turns to Sora, catching his eye. "Thank you."

He watches in slow motion as Sora's eyes go wide. The slightest dusting of pink starts to bloom on Sora's cheeks before he turns away. "I'm, uh, glad you like it! Anyway I gotta go run that errand now, I'll be back in a bit, bye!"

Sora drops the scissors on his mad dash out the door and collides with a broom in the corridor. He staggers slightly, but doesn't slow. "Sorry!"

The broom sweeps into the room with an exasperated crinkling of straw and quickly ushers Riku out. Seeing that the broom is clearly intent to handle clean up by itself, Riku departs after another round of thanks for the tower.

He catches his reflection on the way out and smiles. The connection to the face smiling back is tenuous, but there is a connection. It's a start.


It's Riku's turn to take watch in the Realm of Darkness. He keeps one eye on his surroundings and the other on the book in front of him.

Despite it being billed as a library, Riku wasn't originally sure if he could actually take the books out into the worlds. Then Master Yen Sid informed him that as a Keyblade Master, the library was now his to use as he pleased. So he'd packed his bags full before setting off with Mickey.

A couple of the books were about the history of keyblade wielders; those ones came recommended by Master Yen Sid directly. The rest were books on transfiguration magic. Riku knows better than most how much magic and the heart can alter the body, and he plans to use that to his advantage.

It's slow going. There's plenty of information about how to change someone's appearance to maintain world order, but all of those spells are temporary in nature, and could be hard on the system. They could change the shape of a vessel, but as long as the heart knew what the body should look like, the body would always revert back. Trying to maintain those kinds of spells long term is probably beyond his limited magical abilities.

Still, he takes notes. What kind of magic he would cast, if he had the ability to cast it. What kind of materials he might need for the spell. He takes down all his notes on his phone, and over the course of a few weeks, what started as a couple stray thoughts turn into rough ideas, if he can just manage to connect them together.

Tonight, though, Riku is taking a break from all that. The heartless have been relentless, and he just wants something simple to relax with, as much as is possible here. The history textbooks, while dry, make for a much easier reading experience.

"Keyblade Master Avani," Riku reads under his breath, "was a powerful artificer. She was the first to develop keychains, used to alter the appearance and attributes of keyblades. She also pioneered enchanted armor. Her own armor was said to have allowed her to welcome change into her heart, so that she might live as a woman." Riku inhales sharply. Was Master Avani like him? There were other people who had felt this way?

There was someone else who already solved this problem?

He pours back through the other books, searching desperately for anything tied to Master Avani's name. He finds a spell or two, plus the crafting instructions for armor that "had the ability to store and conduct magic long term". How had he missed this before?

Riku copies over the ingredient list into his notes. This armor requires quite a number of items, many of which he hasn't seen before in the Realm of Darkness. But he's heard Sora talk about running into them occasionally...

He swallows. If he wants to collect these items any time soon, he'll need some help. And he does want to. The hair helps, but he still misses the body of his dreams. Plus, he still hasn't told anyone. He doesn't hear people referring to him in the third person that often, just being here with Mickey, but every "she" intended for him is a punch to the gut. He needs them to see him as a boy too. Changing his body will solve that, surely.

He opens the group chat with Sora and Kairi. He doesn't need to explain everything now, but he can ask for help.

Riku: Hey, could I ask you both for a favor? I want to craft something, but I'm having a hard time getting all the ingredients by myself. If you see any of these, could you grab some for me?

Kairi: i've seen a few of these in merlin's realm! i'll drop them off at the tower when I get the chance

Kairi: are you going to share with the class what you're making??

Riku: You'll find out when it's done.

Kairi: aw thats no fun >:(

Riku: I wouldn't want to ruin the surprise?

Kairi: ok fine

Kairi: i'll drop stuff off as soon as possible for the sake of the ~surprise~

Riku: Thanks, Kai

He huffs a sigh of relief, glad she gave that up so easily. He really is going to need the duration of this project to prepare himself to tell them both. He wants to do this quickly... But maybe not that quickly.

Sora: wanna race?

Sora: i bet i can get all these in no time

Kairi: oh ur on

Riku: I'm in

Riku: Thanks, you two 

Kairi: <3

Sora: <3 <3

He turns off the phone screen and ignores his blushing reflection. Instead, he thumbs through the history text again. Now that he has a plan in place, it couldn't hurt to learn more about the great Master Avani.


"That should be everything, right?" Kairi asks, tossing in her last mythril gem.

Riku looks over the pile of materials, then down at the checklist in his phone. One by one, he checks each ingredient off. By the time he gets to the last one, there's a slight tremor in his hand.

"Yeah, that's everything," Riku confirms, doing his best to keep the tremor out of his throat.

"Yes!" Sora cheers. "And what's everyone's total?"

"Let's see, that's... 4 from me, 7 from you and 8 from Kairi."

"Suck it, Sora!"

"No fair, Kai!" Sora whines. "Convincing Merlin that farming heartless shards counted for your training was cheating."

"You're just jealous," Kairi tuts. "As you should be."

"I mean, you both beat me by a long shot," Riku adds. "I couldn't have done this without you both. Thank you, really."

"Do we get to find out what this is now?" The excitement in Sora's voice makes it clear he's already moved past losing the competition he started.

"Uh," Riku stops. "I'm making a bracer."

"With all this? This is a lot of stuff for just a bracer," Kairi points out.

"I need it to channel some pretty powerful magic."

"What kind of magic?" Sora asks, stars in his eyes.

"Uh," Riku repeats. "I..." He takes a deep breath. He visualizes pulling all that cavernous fear that fills his body into his lungs, then pushing it out on the exhale. Now or never. "When we were in the Sleeping Realms, I looked a little different. It meant that everyone I met thought I was a guy. I realized I preferred things that way. I want to look like that again, and this will help channel the magic for that."

For a beat, it's quiet. He can't stand to look at their faces right now, but he knows his friends are staring at him. He refuses to imagine what their expressions might be.

Then Kairi breaks out into a cheer. "I was right! This whole time!"

"W-what?"

"When we first met! And I called you a boy! And you all said 'Noooo, Riku's a giiirl' and didn't let me hear the end of it for weeks but I was right all along!"

That shocks a laugh out of Riku, draining some of the tension that accumulated in his shoulders. "Yeah, turns out you were. Sorry we gave you so much shit about it, I guess?"

"As you should be," Kairi nods sagely. "But seriously Riku, good for you. If you'd rather be a boy then you should do that."

"I thought there was something different about you in the Sleeping Realms," Sora muses. "You just looked... Happier. And now I know why. That's amazing, Riku," He grins, radiant, and blasts the full force of that grin right into Riku's face.

Riku blinks a few times to get the sun spots out of his eyes. "So you two really don't mind if I'm a guy?"

Sora shakes his head. Kairi looks almost offended. "Of course not! If you want to be a guy, you can be a guy. You'll even be our guy."

A weight drops off Riku's shoulders as the last of the fear leaves his body. "Thank you, both of you. That means a lot to me."

"Can we help you with the spells?" Sora asks. "This bracer sounds so cool, I want to see how it works."

Riku nods. "Please. I think I'll need both your magic to help power this thing. I'll show you what I have in mind."

Riku pulls up his notes. Sora and Kairi lean into him from either side to peer at his phone screen. They offer a couple suggestions, here and there - a different order for layering the enchantments, or another arrangement of the materials - and he makes note of each one. Then they set out to work.

By the end of 2 days of hard work and harder spell casting, the bracer is done. It's small, given the amount that went into it, but even from a distance it's possible to feel the hum of the magic coursing through it.

"So now you just put it on?" Kairi asks. She looks close to prodding it, but doesn't quite touch.

"Yeah," Riku replies. "Then wait. It'll take some time for my heart to get used to the magic and start listening to it." He approaches the bracer, reaches out, but his hand stills an inch away. Doubt floods through him. Will this even work? Even if it does, is this actually what he wants? Will he come to regret this?

He closes his eyes, thinks of that reflection in the dream. He knows what he wants.

The bracer fits perfectly on his wrist. The magic flares up when it touches his skin, the hum almost deafening, but it calms after a moment. He can feel the magic pouring out of it and into him in a slow trickle. If he concentrates, he can pick it apart into the composite pieces, feel his friends under his skin.

Then he feels them over his skin, as they both crash into him in an embrace that sends them all tumbling to the ground.

Kairi and Sora both cheer and congratulate him and Riku laughs, bouyed by their care, lighter than he's ever felt.


"I know you said you have to wait but like... How long do you have to wait?" Sora prods at the bracer. He's somewhat less worried than Kairi about being magically turned into a boy, go figure.

It's the next morning, and the three of them are sharing breakfast in the Tower. Sora prepared omelettes for everyone, but he's too distracted by the bracer to eat much of his own. Kairi steals bites while he's not looking.

"Honestly? I have no idea. The spells I found were pretty vague," The uncertainly of it makes Riku distinctly uncomfortable, but he focuses on the feeling of his friends' magic. Whatever else happens, he can trust in that. "I think we just need to wait and see."

Riku shifts slightly to reach for his coffee. Sora's next poke falls onto his arm rather than the bracer. He frowns, finger lingering on Riku's skin. Then he drags it up Riku's arm.

"W-what are you doing?" Riku splutters.

Sora ignores him, places his whole hand in Riku's arm instead. "Kairi, come feel this."

Kairi sticks her hand out and plasters it to Riku's bare bicep without looking away from Sora's omelette. Then she does look up. "Wait, what?"

"It's different, right?" Sora asks.

"What are you two doing? What are you talking about?" Desperation creeps into Riku's voice. It is far too early in the morning for him to be dealing with this much touching.

"Try it," Sora instructs. After a moment's hesitation, Riku touches his upper arm, somewhere between Sora's grasp on his wrist and Kairi's fingers on his shoulder. He doesn't get what they're talking about, all he feels his skin, rough under his fingers, and-

"Wait, why does my skin feel like that?"

Sora removes his hand for a moment. He touches his own arm, then Kairi's, then goes back to Riku's. Then he grins. "Riku, you have boy skin now."

"Boy skin!" Kairi cheers.

Riku places one hand on either of his friends to make sense of Sora's words. Sure enough, the texture of Sora's skin feels like the closer match to his own. "Oh. I guess that means it must be working, then." He's smiling now too, matching Sora and Kairi. "We really did it."

This time the hug doesn't knock him to the ground. Which is probably for the best; he'd feel really bad if they damaged any of the chairs here.

Riku doesn't know how long they hold him for. He just knows that it stops when he feels a buzzing in his pocket. And presumably matching ones for Sora and Kairi, given the way they pull back to grab their own phones.

It's instructions from Master Yen Sid, notes for when they return to their mission after this break. Riku skims it, searching for his name, then can't hold back the grimace when he finds it. He really wishes Master Yen Sid didn't write these in the third person; he doesn't want to see those pronouns next to his name right now.

"Riku, do you want to tell everyone else?" Kairi asks.

He blanches. It was hard enough to tell them. How can he possibly go through all that again for everyone else? It feels impossible, but he also can't not tell them, he can't deal with being seen as a girl anymore, he can't-

Sora touches his clenched fist, easing his fingers apart. He slots their fingers together instead, drawing circles with his thumb against the back of Riku's hand.

"I can tell them for you, if that would be easier," Kairi offers.

"Please," the word rushes out of Riku, taking all the air from his lungs with it. "Yes, please."

He's floating outside his body, as he watches her type. Sora's hand is the only tether keeping him here at all; he's sure if Sora let go, or if the circles stopped, he would drift away.

She stops typing and glances over. "You're sure?"

He's not connected to his vocal cords right now, so he settles for a nod instead.

Kairi sends the message. The next few moments drag out for a century or two before Riku's phone buzzes again. And again. He swallows his fear and forces himself to look.

First is a brief apology from Yen Sid and a correction of the original instructions. What follows are a flood of messages from the other wielders, from Donald and Goofy, everyone wishing him well. Mickey says he's so proud of Riku.

Riku doesn't say anything, can't say anything over the emotion caught in his throat. He just squeezes Sora's hand tighter, and Sora squeezes back.


Per Yen Sid's updated instructions, Kairi was to report back to training. Sora and Riku were to meet with Leon and the rest of the Radiant Garden Restoration Committee. They're all incredibly kind and accommodating to Riku, which he's not sure he deserves. It feels like half of the items on the agenda are solving problems he directly created the last time he was here. But it gives him a chance to make up for his past mistakes, so he throws himself into the work.

Sora, though. Sora is uncharacteristically quiet during the meeting. He keeps glancing between Leon, Riku, and the window. Riku can't quite make out his expression.

Once the meeting adjourns, the two of them set out for the edge of town. Aerith had shared reports of an uptick in heartless activity, which they immediately volunteered to take care of. Sora is quiet on the walk over too. This might be the longest Sora has ever gone without saying something in Riku's memory; it's starting to get concerning.

"Hey. What's on your mind?" He asks, voice soft. When Sora doesn't look up, Riku hip checks him to really get his attention.

Sora jerks back into realty. "Oh! Uh." He scratches at the back of his head and doesn't meet Riku's gaze. "It's pretty embarrassing."

"I promise to only judge you a little bit," Riku swears. "But seriously, Sora, you can tell me about it."

Sora drags his hands through his hair with a sigh. "Ugh, it's just... Last time I was here, I kinda had this massive crush on Leon? But this time around it's gone, so I was trying to figure out why."

"Huh," Riku pauses. "I'm surprised. I always assumed you liked Kairi."

Sora shakes his head, odd expression on his face. He doesn't elaborate. Riku doesn't press.

"Leon though... I guess I can see it, he's fairly handsome."

"Hah, yeah," Sora is making very intense eye contact with the ground. Like the pebbles on their path will unlock all the secrets of the universe if he just stares them down hard enough. "Hey, Riku. Do you remember back in school, when all those boys asked you out? When you turned them all down?"

He does. He has to admit, he was quite the pretty girl. There was one notable Valentine's day where a whole hoard of would-be suitors descended on him. It took half an hour to clear them out, with Sora and Kairi cackling with laughter in the background the entire time. Sora doesn't look close to laughing, now.

"Why did you?" Sora continues.

"Didn't like any of them. Plus, I didn't... I couldn't handle the idea of being someone's girlfriend," Riku grimaces. "It just felt wrong. It felt like there was this assumption that I'd like boys, that I'd want to be their girlfriend, that I'd want to act in a certain way. I rejected all those things, without really knowing why." He shrugs. "Now it makes a bit more sense."

"So," Sora hesitates. "Do you. How do you feel about it now?"

"Well, I'm still not interested in being someone's girlfriend," Riku snorts.

"No, I mean about... Boys," Sora clarifies. "Like my whole ex-crush on Leon."

"Oh," Riku stops walking. He hadn't given it much thought before, didn't have a lot of time between his journey and everything else happening. Now, though, he thinks about it. Thinks about men, tries to pull his feelings apart, separate envy from anything that could be sleeping underneath. Thinks about Leon, and his fairly handsome face. Thinks about Sora. Thinks about being not a boy's girlfriend, but his boyfriend. His cheeks catch fire. "I uh. I think I like boys a bit more now."

Sora finally looks up to meet his eye. There's a soft smile on his face, and a matching blush. "I'm glad to know it's not just me. I've met so many people at this point, helped so many find their true love, but you know how many princes I've helped find another prince? Zero! I started to think I was the odd one out for it."

Riku laughs. "You're plenty weird, but not for this."

"Riku!" Sora huffs.

"Come on, let's go take care of those heartless already. Then maybe we can get Leon to praise you for it." Riku teases. He starts jogging forward.

"Riku! I told you it was an ex-crush! Ex!" Sora chases after him all the same.


Riku thinks about it more as they dispatch the heartless. Thinks about Sora more. When Sora blasts a heartless with a firaga, Riku thinks about the way the light dances over Sora's face, the way it highlights his collarbone. The way his muscles flex when he leaps into the air, only to slam back down on top of an enemy. The way that when a heartless gets in a lucky hit, Sora is looking back before Riku's even done casting curaga, trust sparkling in his eyes and gratitude in his smile.

He thinks about the journey that brought them here, about the ways they've fought for and against and with one another.

After the battle is done, while Sora is distracted by taking a sip from his water bottle, he pulls out his phone.

Riku: Kairi, I have a question
Riku: How long have I been in love with him

Kairi's response back is instant.

Kairi: oh buddy

The changes start to accumulate, bit by bit. His skin continues to get rougher. A couple silver hairs start to accumulate above his upper lip. The first time his voice cracks he's talking to Sora over the gummi phone and is able to write it off as an issue with the connection. The second time it happens directly in front of Sora's face, back at the Tower. Riku watches in vain as Sora tries to suppress a grin at the sound.

"Yeah yeah, laugh it up," Riku grouses. "I make for a really impressive Keyblade Master like this huh?"

"No! No it's not that!" Sora waves his hands in the air, attempts at hiding the smile abandoned. "I'm just happy for you. It's really working, you know?"

"Sora-"

"Also you sound like a gosling learning how to honk and it's kind of adorable."

"Sora!" he shouts. This, of course, leads to his voice cracking even further. He gives up on words at that point and starts charging at Sora instead.

Sora laughs and dances back, tears in his eyes. Riku can't help smiling, despite himself.


Riku lets the sound of Sora's voice wash over him once again. The regular snipping of the scissors provides background percussion to the latest gossip from Sora's trip to Twilight Town.

"And... Done!" Sora runs his hand through Riku's hair, shaking out any stray strands and arranging it into place.

Riku looks up at the mirror. He's brought back to cobblestone streets and distant church bells and a bat on his shoulder because he recognizes the man in the reflection. He recognizes himself.

"What do you think?" Sora asks. He's no longer fixing Riku's hair. Instead, he cards through it slowly. There's a softness to his eyes, to his smile. "Personally, I think you look handsome."

A year ago, Riku would have ducked his head down, averted his eyes, mumbled something to brush off the compliment. Now, he meets Sora's gaze in the reflection. Sora doesn't look surprised this time, just so, so fond. Riku knows that he's no better off. This time, the smile reaches his eyes.

"Thanks," Riku replies. "I think so too."

Notes:

Why didn't he just go to the Planned Parenthood in San Fransokyo and pick up regular HRT, you ask? Because I wanted magic T fueled by the power of friendship, that's why.