Chapter Text
'I live at the two story green household of 28201 E. Bonanza St. in South Park, Colorado. My name is Eric Cartman, I'm 10 years old. I believe in taking care of myself, in a balanced diet and a rigorous exercise routine. In the morning, I practice the FitnessGram Pacer Test. I can get to lap six now. In the shower, I use my 10-in-1 shampoo for my hair wash and body scrub. Then I use it to brush my teeth, and apply it to my skin for a facial mask, which I leave on for ten minutes while I prepare for the rest of my routine. There is an idea of an Eric Cartman. Some kind of abstraction, but there is no real me. Only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable; I simply am not there.'
"Hey Wendy!"
"Wendy, how was your summer?"
"Love your sweater, Wendy!"
Wendy smiled as she walked down the hallway, receiving her usual lot of greetings and compliments. She wasn't necessarily cocky about her unofficial position as the most popular girl in the fourth grade, but she sure wasn't complaining.
It's August 2023, and the kids of South Park were starting fourth grade... again.
"Hey Red!" Wendy came up from behind and gave her a hug.
Red flinched, "Hey Wendy."
She turned to face her once Wendy released the hug, "how are you holding up?"
Wendy gave her a confused look, "holding up?" She groaned, "are you talking about what happened with Stan?"
"It was pretty shitty of him and Clyde to play with yours and Bebe's feelings like that."
Wendy quickly replied, "Red, I don't care about the ChatGPT situation. I'm over it. It's been months. My entire life does not revolve around Stan, okay?"
Red put her hands up in surrender, "Okay. Sorry..."
"I haven't had a single conversation yet today that's passed the Bechdel test, and I'd like to change that."
Wendy's wish was instantly granted when Nichole approached the two girls.
"Hey Wendy, Red."
Wendy gasped excitedly, "Oh my God, Nichole... I loved your Call Girl cosplay last night!"
"Thank you! I worked really hard on it." Nichole smiled.
"Did you see my comment on your TikTok for it?"
"Um... I don't think so." Nichole checked the comment section on her most recent cosplay video.
Comments
xoxheiditurnerxox The TRANSITION 🔥
kyleandtolkien23 Beautiful ❤ -T
bigboned420_69 Call Girl isn't black
wendywhiplash Call Girl approved <3
Nichole's smile widened. "What an honor."
The three girls had a good laugh.
Bebe rushed towards them, breathless. "What'd I miss?"
"Hey Bebe."
"Hey Wendy..." she quickly recovered from her tired state, perking up to ask her, "ooh, I saw this hilarious TikTok this morning on the bus. You have to see it..."
Bebe started scrolling through her liked videos.
Wendy's eyes widened, "you say you saw this on the bus ride here? Like... within the last hour?"
"Yep," Bebe answered nonchalantly, still scrolling.
"And you're still scrolling?" Wendy asked.
Red chuckled, "we should stage an intervention for your TikTok addiction."
Bebe clapped back, "I'm almost there! I think... shit, did I pass it already? No, it was next to that one video with the girl..."
"We're gonna be here all day..." Wendy teased with an eye roll.
Her smile was abruptly erased upon seeing Cartman walking down the hallway.
"Oh what the hell." She physically cringed.
The other girls turned to look at him, with similar reactions.
Red outright laughed, "did he gel his hair?"
"Maybe it's just really greasy," Bebe commented.
Wendy was stunned, appalled, and speechless.
He slicked his hair down and was wearing a suit. Like, an actual suit. To school. On the first day to be specific.
'What is he planning?' She thought to herself with a furrowed brow.
"Eric, what the hell are you doing?" She asked out loud, folding her arms.
Cartman stopped in front of the four girls, looking extra smug.
"Well hello Wendy. Over the summer, I refined my taste in cinema, watching an assortment of classics like American Psycho and Fight Club. And watching those characters onscreen has made me embrace my new identity as a sigma." He answered.
Wendy blinked at him, "... a sigma?"
"Yeah. Stan and Kyle are beta males that let women walk all over them. Kenny's an alpha male that keeps his women on a leash. And I'm a sigma male that's independent and doesn't need a bitch to make me happy."
"Nothing you just said was true."
Cartman let out a simple "hmm" and continued walking.
Wendy shook her head, "what an idiot."
The kids made their way to class. Wendy was surprised as she entered the classroom, seeing someone other than Mr. Garrison. There was a woman in her early 20s, wearing what seemed to be a clip for a bag of chips in her hair, instead of a regular hair clip.
Cartman sat near Stan, Kyle, and Kenny. He snickered, looking at his phone. "Guys look... look at these dumbass WikiHow articles I found. "How to smile", "how to show your emotions." He laughed his ass off, "what kind of moron needs a WikiHow article to know this shit?"
Craig slumped in his seat.
Once everyone else was seated, the woman spoke up.
"Good morning everyone, my name is Ms. Brock, my pronouns are she/they, and I will be your substitute teacher until Mr. Garrison returns." She smiled brightly.
"What happened to Mr. Garrison?" Asked Clyde.
"He was hospitalized for a sexual accident..."
The teacher didn't elaborate which Wendy was grateful for.
Ms. Brock went on, "So, I shall take attendance now. If I butcher any of your names, just let me know."
She began taking attendance.
"Kyle Broflowski?"
"Broflovski," Kyle corrected.
Ms. Brock smiled warmly, "Broflovski. Thank you."
She continued.
"Eric Cartman?"
Cartman replied smugly, "it's actually pronounced Air-Reek, thank you very much."
Wendy rolled her eyes, "no, it's not ma'am. Feel free to never listen to him."
Ms. Brock laughed softly, "duly noted."
Cartman shot Wendy a glare, which in turn made Wendy give him the same smug look he's had on his face the whole morning.
After attendance, Ms. Brock suggested an ice breaker.
"I think favorite movie is a little boring, so let's do least favorite movie instead." She said.
Some responses:
"The Prince of Egypt." -Cartman
"Happy Death Day." -Kenny
"Mean Girls 2." -Bebe
"What about you, Wendy?" Asked Ms. Brock.
It wasn't the truth, but just to be spiteful Wendy responded with, "American Psycho." She smiled at Cartman.
"Fuck you, Wendy! You could never understand such a complex cinematic masterpiece!" He screamed.
Their new substitute seemed completely unfazed by his blatant screaming and swearing. In fact, she seemed more amused than anything.
Wendy played dumb, "oh, I'm sorry... did I say American Psycho? I meant American Beauty. Silly me." She faked a giggle, "I confused one infamous creep for another infamous creep... that also played a creep within the movie. I guess I should give the film credit for predicting the trajectory of Kevin Spacey's life."
Cartman seemed to relax a tad, but Wendy could tell he was still bitter.
After the ice breaker, Ms. Brock did something that really impressed Wendy.
"Everyone is free to have their own opinions, and I'm not here to tell anyone what they can and can't think or like. But I am personally adamantly against the oversexualization of minors in film and television."
Wendy thought, 'Wow, an actually decent adult in South Park? Could it be?'
Ms. Brock proceeded to show graphic content to the class of 10 year old children. "Shows like Euphoria are well known for their depictions of underage sex. Regardless of the actors being well into their 20s, it still feels very creepy and unnecessary to me."
She continued to speak on the issue until class was over. Wendy stayed in after, approaching her desk.
"Ms. Brock?"
"Yes, Wendy?"
"Thank you for that lesson today. Even if some of my classmates rolled their eyes at it, I wholeheartedly agreed with all of your points." Wendy smiled.
Ms. Brock returned her smile, "why thank you, Wendy. I appreciate that."
"I watch a lot of feminist video essayists and YouTubers like Mina Le, Shanspeare, ModernGurlz, and The Take in the background while I do homework. And a lot of them talk about predatory aspects in media and whatnot."
"Really?" She asked with a chuckle. "That's so funny, I tend to watch those channels while I'm grading papers."
Wendy's eyes lit up. "That's so cool... you know, it's really refreshing to have an adult I can trust in this town. There's a lot of weirdos in South Park. Racists, misogynists, pedophiles, abusers; you name it. I'm glad that there's a positive influence that I can look forward to seeing at school for the time being."
"I'm glad you feel that way." Ms. Brock smiled.
"Well, I'll see you back in class after recess."
"Enjoy your lunch."
"I will, thank you." Wendy walked to the cafeteria.
She sat by her three closest friends.
"You're late," said Bebe. "The fanfiction girls have infested the place."
"Oh god..." Wendy groaned.
"It seems like there's more of them than usual..." Red noted.
"There is. Haven't you noticed the influx of people that have moved to South Park since the beginning of 2023?" Wendy asked.
"What do we do?" Asked Red.
"Just be calm, don't make eye contact... if one tries to speak to you just-"
"Hi Wendy!" One of the fanfiction girls squeaked happily as she approached their table.
"Hey..." Wendy said awkwardly.
"Have you read my latest Creek fic?"
"No, I don't read RPFs. Craig and Tweek are underage human beings that don't exist to entertain us with their personal lives." Wendy said through a big fake smile.
The fanfiction girl seemed completely unaware of Wendy's passive aggressive attitude. "Oh come on Wendy, this one's really good! I finally figured out how to have paragraph breaks!"
"Truly the peak of literary talent."
"Thanks!" She smiled and walked away.
Nichole asked, "do you think you're a little hard on the fanfiction girls?"
Wendy pretended to think for a moment.
"... No, I don't. At all."
Bebe chuckled.
Wendy continued, "all those girls care about are Craig and Tweek, Stan and Kyle, and Kenny and Butters. I guess the rest of us can just fuck off."
"What are you guys talking about?" Clyde leaned far over his seat from the nearest lunch table.
"None of your business, Clyde..." Bebe rolled her eyes.
"Chill out, Bebe". Said Red. "We're talking about the fetishizers- I mean fanfiction girls at our school. Creek and Style are like their whole universe..."
"Ooh, what about me? Do I have a ship?" Clyde asked excitedly, still leaning way too far.
Wendy shrugged, "sometimes they pair you with Tolkien. But it's basically just a completionist ship."
"Completionist?!" He fell off his seat, turning heads from all over the cafeteria.
Clyde quickly stood up and squished himself between Wendy and Bebe. He whispered, "what does completionist mean?"
"It means you're a glorified background ship. You're leftovers." Bebe explained, "the fanfiction girls think that everyone needs to have a ship, and you and Tolkien didn't have one so they just pair you together as a meaningless background ship to their Creek fics."
Wendy added, "they do the same thing for Bebe and I."
Clyde started sobbing in an exaggerated fashion. "Why?! WHY?!"
Tolkien came over, "dude? Are you okay?"
Clyde gripped onto his shirt, "don't you get it, Tolkien?! The fanfiction girls don't care about our relationship!"
"... We're not in a relationship..." Tolkien said.
Clyde continued sobbing, "I thought we were the Deamus of South Park... but we're nothing... Nothing!"
"Shhhh! Dude..." Tolkien looked around nervously as people stared.
Suddenly Clyde got angry, still crying. "Why fanfiction girls?!" He pointed to them. "Why don't you ship us the way you ship Tweek and Craig?"
Clyde came up to their lunch table, "it's because he's black, isn't it?!"
Tolkien tried to drag him back to their own lunch table unsuccessfully.
Clyde went on, "if Tolkien and I were both skinny white boys, then 30 year old women would be all over our underaged asses... it's not fair!"
"This is hard to watch..." said Wendy.
"And yet I can't look away." Bebe chuckled.
At recess, most of the kids were playing wood chips. But Cartman was just standing there looking constipated.
"Eric, I already know you're full of shit..." Wendy asked, "but are you actually full of shit right now?" She laughed.
"No, I'm practicing my sigma face."
Wendy rolled her eyes.
'Loser.'
Wendy desperately hoped that this phase of his would end soon.