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“Biggest regret?”
Maverick smiled, grin so wide all the crow’s feet around his eyes showed, and told the biggest lie of his life, “I don’t have any.”
Maverick slowly opened his eyes, dumfounded as Tom pulled away from him. Tom had kissed him.
As the synapses began firing in his brain he blurted out, “You just kissed me.”
Tom smiled back at him, all his teeth on display, “Yes, I did.”
“Why did you just kiss me?”
“Because for the last six months I’ve wanted to kiss you silly. I’d say mission accomplished.”
Now that he was able to think past the initial shock, Maverick jerked himself up from the couch they’d been lounging on. “No, no. We can’t just go around kissing each other.”
The grin faded somewhat and Ice turned to face where Maverick now stood. “Mav, come on, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. I know I didn’t read this wrong. God, we meet every day when we’re stationed near each other, and when I was deployed and you started at Top Gun we wrote each other letters constantly. We’ve talked on the phone so much that the keypads for your number are getting worn down. The last time you went to see Carole and Bradley, you took me with you. And no one uninterested in me would comment quite so often on how my ass looks in my pants. Why are you freaking out about this?”
Maverick felt his jaw drop open as Tom listed out his reasons and he was forced to consider that Tom made some excellent points; but none touched on the crux of the two issues he found himself grappling with.
“But we’re not gay. And it’s illegal.”
Ice scoffed, “I can’t speak for you, but I have liked men before in my life.” He looked imploringly up, a change from the slight loom he usually had around Maverick, as if things weren’t turned around enough, and continued, “And Mav, aren’t you the one always saying that some rules are made to be broken, that some things are worth the risk?”
“Not when it comes to this!”
The grin had completely faded and been taken over by a look of consternation, “Mav, we can be careful. And it’s not forever—”
“Don’t say that, that’s not true. I know you want to get up to Admiral, I know it. And you’re telling me you’d be okay hiding this for the rest of our lives? If we even make it that long! I am not known for long lasting healthy relationships, Ice! It’s a huge risk and for what?!”
Ice stood up, facing Maverick, “A chance! I think we have a good foundation and I like you, Pete. I think I’m halfway to loving you. I wake up and think about when I’ll get to see you again. When we’re apart I worry about if you’re safe. If I get good news, you’re the first person I want to tell.” He took a step, leaning forward to grasp Maverick’s hand, but Maverick jerked it away, and stepped backwards, trying to escape Ice’s orbit. “You can’t tell me that I’m the only one feeling this way.”
Maverick’s stomach rolled and a cold sweat broke out over his body, but he stayed silent, knowing that he owed Ice to not lie to his face.
Ice took his lack of protest and ran with it, “Come on, Pete. This could be a good thing. I believe in us, that we could be something amazing together. We wouldn’t be the first men who would need to be a bit more private—”
“This is more than a bit more private. You’re talking about a near full time con! We could go out but not too often, and nothing that couldn’t be explained away as two friends getting together. No holidays away. No fancy anniversaries. And we couldn’t let people get suspicious. Full charade in effect, with girls we’d be stringing along, no real future, just a soft figure to be seen around town, maybe at a ball or two. That isn’t fair to either of us!”
“We could find a pair of women that need us as much as we need them! Gays and lesbians didn’t spring into being in the 80’s. People have been solving these problems for a long while. We are not trying to invent the wheel here.”
Maverick felt his face set firmly, “I can’t do this. If my place here is the price I need to pay for your love, I’m not willing to pay it. I have given everything I have and then some to get here. And nothing could give me the feeling of being free in the sky, not even loving you.” The blanket devastation on Ice’s face was there and gone, but so powerful that Maverick could taste the regret on his tongue as the words left his mouth. But he couldn’t let this happen, and nothing but breaking Tom’s heart would kill the idea that love would see them through. Bring on the Iceman, for Tom was too soft to face this heartbreak.
“Ice, you have skills. You have connections. If you were to get outed, even this early in your career, you have enough people in your corner that could grease the wheels to keep it quiet. You’d never make it up the ranks you might have otherwise. But you’d stay in the Navy. And if nothing else you’ve got family to fall back on to help transition away. I don’t have that. Any of it. I’ve got Carole and Bradley, both who I already owe more than I could ever pay. And one wrong word around here is enough to be the final mark to my already black record. Layton showcased that you’re an amazing pilot, highlighted what people already know about you. For me it was a fluke. I managed not to screw up this time.”
“That’s not true, Maverick. Everyone knows you’re a great pilot. Unorthodox, but not some screw-up.”
“Can you guess the last time someone literally spit on me because of my fucking dad?” Maverick waited a beat and continued, “It was last week. Some jackass that is worth less than a grain of rice walked by me in the hall with a bunch of cronies, and then spat on me. Told me I should pass it along to my dad since he probably needed a little water from all that hellfire he was facing after betraying his country.”
The Iceman mask dropped for a moment, eyebrows drawing together and mouth twisting into a frown and Maverick soldiered on, “And I took it. Because I’m supposed to be the bigger man now. An instructor. And as much as I wanted to beat his face in, I was more than outnumbered, and I know which of us would come up under a review board with all these witnesses saying I started some shit.”
He sighed and crossed his arms across his chest, took another step away from Ice. “I would really like to have a future with you. Or even the opportunity to try. But we’re not those guys, Tom. And I’m not willing to try and make it work, to waste years of our lives looking over our shoulders, trying to capture enough happiness in moments to try and sustain us for all the in-between.”
The space between them seemed to grow infinitely larger in the silence, and Maverick could feel the swell of tears that wanted to fall from his eyes. But none could fall and show Tom the weakness in his own heart, a yearning for a love that might fill the holes in his soul that seemed to grow more tattered with each blow dealt against him.
He could see Ice’s jaw work as he ground his teeth together, watched the bob of his Adam’s apple as he swallowed hard around the words that no doubt wished to spill from his mouth. Bit by bit Maverick watched as the wall that had long since fallen between them was built back up. Casual posture, hands in pockets, blank slate where not a ripple of emotion could be seen across his face.
Finally, their eyes met and Ice said, “If that’s how you feel, then I have to respect that.”
Maverick broke the stare between the two of them, and looked back to the television that had been left playing. “Thank you.”
At the shuffle of feet against the carpet he turned back to see Ice gathering his jacket and keys.
“I’m going to get out of your hair. Take care of yourself, Mitchell. I’ll see you Monday.”
A beat too slow Maverick replied, “Yeah, you too,” with his words echoing in time with the door clicking shut. Then there was silence except for the static of the television and the crunch of gravel as Ice drove away.
“Seriously?”
“Seriously. Do I strike you as a man that sees something he wants and doesn’t go after it?”