Archive of Our Own

“If you could do it all again-”

There is no tearful goodbye. 

Levi sits very quietly in his chair. It’s going to take some getting used to. He didn’t realize how much he relied on his legs until they forgot how to serve him. Levi never takes anything for granted. He is very careful with his body, committed to its constant care. But the loss aches inside of him. He yearns to run or climb. Instead, he sits. 

He watches the kids he raised with tired eyes. The right side is bathed in darkness. He has been told that it’s white in color, that the rich blue gunmetal hue only resides on one side of his face, now. It doesn’t matter what color it is. Levi isn’t vain. But he misses having both, he can admit that. More eyes to watch the people he cares about with, he can never have enough of that. 

But white can still reflect colors, he thinks. Onyankopon has taught him that. Maybe there is something to that. Maybe that’s something.

He lets the spectrum of colors in the room reflect off of him now. He is content not to absorb anymore. Connie is all red. Jean might be orange. He rubs at his ears and it reminds Levi of the uncomfortable sourness of a grapefruit. Armin is blue. He is very blue, has been since Levi first knew him. Mikasa is purple in a way that Levi wants to soothe. Maybe she will fade to yellow someday. Like a mottled bruise. He had a lot of hopes for her at one time. This is the only one he has now. 

And that’s all that’s left of his kids. Eren and Sasha sit on the other side of his field of vision, the one he doesn’t have access to anymore. They are lost in the shadow of his mind, a place he has watched many people fade into. He focuses on what’s in front of him, for now. There will be time. There will be time. 

“If you could do it all again-”

“No.” Jean answers shortly, palms at his ears. Levi watches dispassionately as Jean bristles, looking at Reiner with so much resigned anger that he thinks he might self-destruct. It is a stupid question, really. Stupid to ask at a time like this. But Reiner has always thought with his heart, not his head. Poor kid. Levi can’t help but think it. He spent a long time hating him, hating all of them. But Levi knows more than anyone that the conditions you grow up in can mold you into something ugly. And Reiner’s misery is so self-inflicting. How could he have ever known…

The little ones sit beside him under the same cloud. Their heads buzz and fight to establish who they are. Levi forgets that things can be so little. People used to be tinier people. He doesn’t remember being that small. He hopes they won’t remember, either.

They don’t see how the tension in the room waxes and wanes. Levi can only watch as a helpless bystander. They will all go their separate ways from this place, and none of them will ever recover. Levi wants to slap them all on their morose faces, tell them to wake up. Force them to live the lives they deserve to. He wants so badly to shove his fist down their throats and detangle their pain from deep inside, rip it out until their hearts can be free. He’d gladly ingest it all. He’d do anything.

“Sorry, stupid question.”

Reiner puts the crisis of the moment to rest. Now, they sit in exhaustion together. 

Levi doesn’t know where they will go. He wants to follow them all and make sure they keep their hair neat. He cut all of their hair, how will they remember to, without him? He wants to keep them on a strict eating schedule, make sure they have fresh sheets at night so they can sleep. He wants to be there if they have nightmares. Not that he’d say anything if they did, but at least he’d be there . He feels like these are things he needs to do.

But nothing is vibrant. Levi knows what that’s like. He knows how it feels to be caked under two thousand feet of dust. The walls had closed in on him, and he had to dig his way out. Alone.

He can’t do everything for them. He taught them how to go on. To become something far beyond what he can ever be. He needs to let them do that. They’ll get their vibrance back on their own terms, once the fatigue settles. And he’ll be waiting.

For now, there are things he has to attend to. Things that got lost in the fray. 

He looks around the room and no one is looking back at him.

Please let me know , he thinks softly, hopes that they can hear him. That maybe his voice will hide away in the recesses of their mind, come to fruition when they need it the most. If you’ve had enough, let me know. I’ll come. I’ll be there.

They part and that’s it. There are no tears. Days blend into nights that blend into days. The future spreads out before Levi in ways he never imagined. It’s so fast. He misses when the future had walls, as horrible as that is. The structure of it was comforting. This vastness does not keep. He cannot make sense of it.

So he goes back to what he knows. And when he asks Onyankopon to come with him, he says yes.

The man is steady and very quiet. He reminds Levi of Hange. Hange had become very quiet and still toward the end. But they had loved Onyankopon in the short time they knew him, gushed about him and his admirable qualities. 

Levi knows that he has to go back at some point. But he can’t do it alone. The thought is enough to make him breathless, make him heave over the side of his bed until there is nothing left in his belly. He can’t ask any of his kids to come, they are all gone. He doesn’t want someone who will talk over him. He wants someone who will let it be what it has to be. Take him where he needs to go.

Those admirable qualities Hange spent their time talking about makes him the perfect choice. And it’s far easier than Levi thinks it will be.

“I need to go back to the Port,” Levi says one evening. He has been staying with Onyankopon for some time. His hospitality is quiet and gentle, and Levi is not well enough to live alone. He still can’t walk, has been battling infections on his wounds. It’s a very nasty business, but Onyankopon does it diligently with no fuss. He is a silent man speaking through his actions. Levi knows what that’s like. It’s familiar enough to be comforting.

Onyankopon doesn’t look up from what he’s reading but nods like this is something that doesn’t surprise him.

“I figured.”

The sun is warm on Levi’s skin, warming it to a nice shade of pink that makes him feel alive. The breeze smells clear here. Far enough away from Eren’s path of destruction that the stench of rot and death cannot reach them. Onyankopon grows flowers in his yard, over his porch, and they keep the remnants of it away. It smells like sweet life in Onyankopon’s house. Just what Levi needs to heal.

He looks up at Onyankopon from beneath the rim of his teacup. Fine porcelain. 

“Will you take me?”

Onyankopon pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

“Figured that was a given.”

And that’s it.

So they go. The plane feels very empty without the kids in it. But the weight in the air oppresses Levi against the metal edges. He sits in the same spot he did when Hange died, the one where he can’t see outside of the window. Their last words keep playing over and over in his head, the feel of their heart beating wildly beneath his fist. He thinks he should have stopped them. They didn’t need to die, not really. But Levi is intimately familiar with letting people go when it’s what they need. Hange knew this, of course. They were so smart. So bright. They knew Levi would let them go, give them his blessing to leave it all behind. To dedicate their heart for the last time.

A thick, paper mask sits in his palm. It’s not safe to breathe the air outside for too long, and he already feels sick enough. But he has to do this.

It’s worse than he imagined. The air is hot and thick, caked in smoke that never seems to stop pouring from the landscape. The bay is a putrid color of brown-red, dark and frothy and stained with blood. There isn’t anything left, no bones. Just ash. Footsteps bigger than the length of Levi’s whole body. 

Onyankopon tightens the back of the mask around his head and carries Levi on his back.

They walk some distance from where they had landed to the area Levi guesses Hange might have fallen. It takes some sorting. Enough time passes that tears are streaming from their eyes, their faces obscured by soot. Levi has only thrown up once and he considers that a win. But Onyankopon doesn’t seem concerned. He is strong and steady beneath Levi, walking and digging for longer than he should have to. He lays Levi down on the ground beside the spot Levi decides on without protest. They dig together until their elbows reach the bottom, and Levi’s hands close around the thing he had been looking for. 

The pendant is dented and the string has burned away. But the color is a rich green. The very same as the one he wears around his neck, above his breast, under his clothes. He rubs a thumb at it, brushing the remnants away until he can see his prismed reflection on its surface.

Hange wouldn’t want their final resting place to be here. It’s so lonely. No one is around to keep them company. Levi knows that they don’t like to be alone. Sometimes he would sit up in their office for hours just to give them someone to talk to. He always said he hated it, but he lied. The sound of Hange’s voice was always there to soothe him. And Hange was so kind. In the days after Erwin died Hange had slept in Erwin’s bed with Levi, just so he wouldn’t feel alone. When Levi wanted to go back and get Erwin, to put him to sleep beside Mike and Nana, Hange went with him. They stitched him back up after his failure at Zeke’s hands. He would’ve died. But Hange had been there. Hange was always with him. His very best friend. 

Levi is very glad that he came. He pats the ground once with his hand. Twice. Closes his eyes, imagines how Hange had looked that day. More than that, he thinks of how they looked when he first knew them. Brilliant shades of yellow. All excitement to be alive and curiosity and everything that makes life worth living. 

He pats the ground again, and tucks what’s left of Hange’s bolo tie into his pocket.

They don’t speak as Onyankopon carries him back to the plane. He lets tears of sorrow mingle with tears of the environment, looks back at the place Hange died as Onyankopon walks away. The warmth of Onyankopon’s neck is real against his cheek, so he focuses on that. But he looks until he can’t look anymore. He hopes Hange is relieved that he came back for them. He never leaves his own behind.

They ride back and they don’t speak.

Slowly, Levi learns to walk again. His legs shake like a newborn doe’s, but Onyankopon ducks down so he can use his shoulders for support. He will never walk without a cane, that is certain. But the function comes back the harder he pushes himself. Hange’s pendant burns in his pocket, cheering him on. Erwin’s sits at its vigil above Levi’s heart. He imagines that they feed him some kind of supernatural strength, allow him to will the muscle and sinew to behave. It’s all wishful thinking, of course. He still spends most of his time in his chair. But he doesn’t need help going to the bathroom anymore.

He’s not all better, though. He likes to pretend he is sometimes. When he drinks tea on Onyankopon’s porch, eats the bread he bakes in his kitchen. He thinks sometimes that this might be all there ever was. He likes to let the past go, selfishly. It comes back to bite him of course.

In moments he least expects, he feels agony. He collapses in the shower. He put too much weight on his legs for too long and it feels like the wounds are splitting open all over again. The pang of desperate grief and loss and anguish rear up inside him until he is heaving against the wet tile. He sees the bloody mess of Sasha behind his eyes, Hange floating to the ground like a piece of smoldering paper. Erwin’s voice pulses in his ear, the final nail in his weakly beating heart. He screams because he’s terrified, the walls are closing in. Kuchel lurks in his periphery, begging him to stay inside of his drawer while the men take her away. He is hungry, he is starving . The vision of Eren’s severed head pulsates behind his eyes. He wants to crawl into Erwin’s grave and sleep beside him forever because he is the only one who can chase away his nightmares.

He doesn’t realize he is clawing at his skin until warm hands pry them away. He opens his eyes and Onyankopon is standing above him. He looks on Levi silently. With sturdy hands, he shuts the water off and wraps him in a towel. Levi shakes violently but Onyankopon doesn’t press because he has a talent for knowing when a thing is unutterable. He sits with Levi between his legs on the bathroom floor, waits until his shaking stops.

Levi breathes so quickly that spots dance in his vision. He reaches out for Erwin in the recesses of his mind, but no answer comes. It occurs to him then that he will never stop needing him. 

Because he is itching. It’s like there are bugs crawling on his skin. He has a plan, of course he has a plan. But it’s like he’s forgotten something. Like something terrible has happened, or will happen. Erwin would know what to say. He wants Erwin. He wants him so badly.

“I-I think I m-missed something,” Levi gasps, head lulling against his chest. His skin is ice cold and wet. 

“Breathe, Levi.”

Onyankopon’s words don’t do anything for him. He needs Erwin. He needs him.

“I-I-I’m not sure w-what.” 

He is babbling, he doesn’t know where he is. The white tile is swimming and Onyankopon is squeezing him. Blood pools in his eyes and he can’t fucking see. The right one is completely dark. Fuck. He forgot something, there’s someone he forgot about. Something horrible is going to happen. He’s going to die. He’s going to-

“Levi,” Onyankopon pleads. He is pressing his hands over Levi’s ears like he knows it’s what he needs. Eventually, the roar dies down. Levi holds Onyankopon’s knees in a tight grip, small fingers bloodless and cold. In slow movements, like the tide, he matches every breath Onyankopon takes at his back.

Onyankopon is counting so Levi counts with him. He forgot that he told Onyankopon about that, about the counting. It’s been a while since he needed it. It is soothing and familiar. He feels cradled by the numbers he used to require. And as they count together and Levi’s breaths begin to fall in normal intervals, the hurricane in his head clears away. The blood lifts off of him in droves of steam, as though his mind has just remembered that blood doesn’t evaporate like that anymore. The titans are all gone. It isn’t real. He’s okay.

They sit in silence and Onyankopon doesn’t let go. Levi is immeasurably grateful. He grounds him enough so that he can think of Erwin.

He thinks of him more and more the longer he spends away. Soon, the years Levi has stacked up in his absence will surpass the years they spent at each other’s sides. This hurts him in a way he never knew he could be hurt.

“I miss them,” Levi whispers to the wall. He doesn’t know if Onyankopon can hear him. “I miss them.”

Faces flash in his mind like the teaching cards they gave to first year cadets in the Corps. He addresses them all by name. Levi has impeccable memory.

“I want Erwin.”

His voice sounds small. I am like a child , Levi thinks. It’s humiliating, but freeing to admit. Because he does want him. He wants to share in the loss of Sasha with Erwin. To ask him where the hell he had gone wrong with Eren. Walls, he feels so responsible. Like there is something he could’ve done. Like he really fucked up. To tell him how heroic Hange had been. How brave they were. Only Erwin would understand. Hange was his best friend, his very best friend…

“That makes sense,” Onyankopon says. He can’t know, there’s no way. Levi has never talked about Erwin before. But he speaks like he understands somehow. “People we love take little pieces of us and break them off when they go. You probably want to feel whole again. Makes sense why you’d miss him.”

Yes , Levi thinks, relieved. Yes, that’s exactly it.

“I’d like to tell you about him, sometime,” Levi rasps. 

“Okay.”

He shivers on the bathroom floor until he feels good enough to stand.

Soon, Levi is feeling well enough to go.

They leave without furor. The winter turns into spring, and Levi has forgotten what kind of flowers grow on Paradis. Lily of the valley blossoms along the edges of the forest where Onyankopon has landed the plane. It’s been many years since Levi has come here, but he remembers it with impeccable accuracy. Every tree is the same, tall and looming over him. They stand so dully. He wonders if all the world has lost its vibrance, not just the kids. Maybe the color is draining out of everything. Maybe it has been since Isabel and Furlan died.

He has shirts of theirs tucked neatly in a drawer back at Onyankopon’s house. Thankfully, he doesn’t have to sift through years of accumulated mud and grass to find them. No, he has things for almost everyone. He has one of Sasha’s cadet patches from her early days in the Corps, Hange’s pendant, Erwin’s Wings of Freedom. There’s nothing left of Eren. He leaves that to Mikasa. Now, he just needs some things for his squad. His first squad.

No one forgets their first squad, Erwin had told him this. He thought he knew what it meant. But nothing could have prepared him for the devastation of their loss. He had molded them so carefully. They truly were the best of him. An amalgamation of his greatest triumphs and his most catastrophic failures. He curses himself for leaving them behind for so long. The territory was just too deep, at the time. They couldn’t go back.

But he’s here now. He’s come back for them like he always promised he would. Onyankopon carries him on his back once again. He is very strong, stronger than Levi would have guessed, walks with Levi perched on his back like it’s the easiest thing in the world. Never once does he complain or tell Levi that he won’t go along with his plan. He submits quietly and does what he can to help. It had been a little unsettling before, but Levi has come to like it. To depend on it. He understands Levi’s goal without him having to say why and knows that Levi won’t be able to rest until he does this. He’ll scream and cry in the shower or in his room until this debt is settled. It’s out of his hands.

They walk through the trees in companionable tranquility. This hurt is much older, much easier for Levi to stomach. He looks around him carefully. The sun shines through the canopy above like there are little bullet-holes letting it through. Birds twitter and sing all around. It’s a strange symphony, strange because he used to know it so well. It hurts like nostalgia. Because something he knows became something he knew, once, and he is very cognizant of just how much things have changed. This used to be home for him. It’s all been displaced. Home doesn’t exist anymore.

Onyankopon follows his minimally given directions until they reach a clearing where the trees have only just begun to regrow. Branches and snapped trunks litter the ground. Everything has overgrown. There are no bones. White flowers scatter along the tree line. From a distance he can spot scraps of green fabric tucked under fine layers of dirt.

He points and Onyankopon retrieves. Levi doesn’t know if these are their cloaks, but Petra had been pinned against a tree like this. Eld had lain on the ground over there. They find four scraps. Oluo and Gunther are a bit further down. The material is old and worn beneath his fingers as Onyankopon hands him the pieces. Most of the coloring has faded out, leaving it a shade of gray-green that sickens him to his core. Before, he might have worried about the germs on things like this. But he doesn’t worry about that now. He folds the pieces against Onyankopon’s back lovingly, one by one, and tucks them into his pocket.

Every piece that he collects allows him to breathe a little easier. It feels good to have them with him again. He feels like he has atoned for a little, only a little. And they will get to rest soon. That will be nice.

Later that same day, they go to Shiganshina.

Much of the town is being rebuilt. But the place Levi has in mind is virtually untouched. The buildings around are crumbled, overgrown with vines and weeds. He can hear echoes of the past very clearly here. Among the vegetation and the decaying buildings is the ghost of Levi’s greatest failure. His biggest heartbreak. This is the place he chose for Erwin to die.

Onyankopon lifts Levi to the roof with ease. “You only weigh like a hundred pounds, little one. Stop complaining,” he had said. Levi couldn’t argue with that, but it felt good to put up a fight nonetheless.

They sit on the roof in wretched silence. In Levi’s mind, Erwin’s body is laid out beside him. He closes his eyes as the warm breeze washes over him, hears Erwin in the rustling of the trees. He can envision exactly how he looked as he laid on the shingled tiles. So golden, so tired, so very young. He had never looked more beautiful, and that was a tragedy. 

The world didn’t deserve Erwin Smith. Levi lives every day just so he can keep reminding it of that fact. 

“Do you ever wish you could go back and do it again?” Onyankopon asks him as the sun sets on the city. “Do it differently?”

Levi thinks about it for some time. He thinks about Erwin’s arms around him. It would have been real nice to kiss him more. I should’ve kissed him more. 

And he thinks about his first squad. He will remember them eternally. They had trusted him so wholly, and he had let them down. He will spend the rest of his days trying to earn back their forgiveness.

“You don’t know how much,” Levi answers blankly, watching as the wind carries dust that might have touched Erwin off of the roof and into the air.

They spend some time in Marley while Levi collects his thoughts. He has everything neatly laid out in his room. Every piece is there. He wonders if it’s right to let go of them in the way that he wants to. Maybe he should keep them on him at all times. But he also knows that he has to say goodbye. These are the ones who didn’t get a proper burial, their soldier’s burial. Mike and Nana and Erwin are tucked away nicely in Trost, they are together so he doesn’t worry about them being lonely. Their names are carved neatly on gray stone and people come to leave them flowers. But Sasha, Hange, Petra, Oluo, Eld, Gunther… It’s his responsibility to make sure his people are taken care of. 

Truly, selfishly , he fears he won’t be able to sleep ever again until he lets them go. They haunt his periphery in ways he cannot overcome. He wants to be better, he really does. He wants to see his kids again. He wants to see how their colors have changed. He wants to be there for them and watch them grow as people and not soldiers. He wants to show them that he can be more than an obstinate little Captain. 

He can’t do that until he does this.

“I’m a weak man,” Levi says miserably into his pillow one night. Onyankopon sits with him until the poppy milk settles into his system. He experiences pain in his legs very often, so Onyankopon administers his doses. He’ll always stay in his room until Levi falls asleep. Again, he knows Levi needs this without having to ask.

“You have interesting opinions of yourself,” Onyankopon says patiently, letting Levi hold his hand. Levi needs comfort more than he ever has. He feels bad for using Onyankopon like this. But he has become something of a friend to Levi, in these past months. Maybe even a best friend. Hange always held his hand so Levi didn’t have to hold his own. He doesn’t want to have to hold his own hand anymore.

“I should keep them with me,” Levi laments, the poppy milk making him drowsy. He’s never had a thing for opium, but the pain in his legs can get to be too much. The relief that comes with the drug is worth how he slurs, how his mind tumbles away from him. “I shouldn’t ever forget.”

“You won’t,” Onyankopon says gently, with no hint of placation in his tone. He is all honesty. Brutal, unfiltered honesty. 

“But I want to. That makes me real sick, doesn’t it, Onyan. I’m a sick man.”

Onyankopon looks very troubled. “You’re doing what you have to do to survive. Nothing sick about that.”

Levi feels tears slipping from his eyes. He pulls the covers higher up to his chin, tucking himself in, wishing and hoping that he will wake up tomorrow as someone else.

“I want to forget about them so I can sleep.”

“That’s understandable.”

Levi nods. Maybe it’s not so bad. Maybe he’s just a human.

“I don’t really want to forget about them, Onyan. I miss them so much that I wish I didn’t. But I… I gotta do what I must. What’s right for them. I’m a Captain…” His words are mingling, jumbling and tangling into something that barely resembles his own voice anymore. Onyankopon smooths the covers over his chest, and pats him on the head before he makes to exit the room.

“If you must, you must, Levi.”

Just before fall crests, they leave for the ocean.

Levi takes off his shoes before he walks on the sand. His cane doesn’t work well on the uneven surface, but Onyankopon is happy to help him. It’s early enough that the horizon sits a kind of icy blue behind them. The chill in the air helps Levi to take heart. All of his things are with him, everything is carefully prepared.

The sand feels funny on his toes. He never did feel it, even when Hange asked him to. He had been very scared that day on the beach. In his mind the body of water was filled with all kinds of terrors. Poisonous things that wanted to hurt him and the people he loved. Unknown germs and infectants that would kill them all within a week. It was a bit dramatic, he knows that now. But he couldn’t help it. Still can’t sometimes.

But it doesn’t matter anymore. They wade out into the water and it feels so clean. The air smells of fresh salt and early morning dew. The sun is rising in the distance, casting light all around them. Blue, sparkling water keeps them company. Levi feels very safe. For the first time in a long time, he takes pleasure in this moment of being alive.

Cold water feels nice on hot skin. The sound of the ocean is beautiful, rhythmic and predictable in a way that soothes him. The horizon is endless , and each second paints it with hues of pink, gold, red, and purple. Colors he hasn’t seen in so long. His good eye sees, his bad eye reflects. The white of it is made for moments like this. 

He takes a few steps forward on shaky legs. Onyankopon tries to grab him but Levi tells him it's okay. He wants to do this by himself. He has to.

Out of his bag, he grabs two white button ups, a green bolo pendant, a cadet badge, four scraps of green cloak, and the Survey Corps signet.

He watches tearfully as the white button ups sink into the clear water, sparkling and twisting like lovely ghosts being pulled into the ocean’s deep shadow. Isabel and Furlan never got to see the ocean, so he is happy to give them this. Those shirts had belonged to them for many years, the best the Underground could buy. They slip away like pearls into the murky deep, and Levi takes those moments to think of them. His brother and sister. He has loved them all this time and he will continue to do so, even if they wouldn’t recognize his world anymore.

The pieces of cloak float on top of the water like jades. They are soiled by years of weather, ancient sweat and blood. But he imagines that the salt cleanses them. He hopes desperately that they know how sorry he is. He should have made better choices for them all. But Petra, Eld, Gunther, and Oluo taught him how to be a Captain. He is forever indebted to them and everything they meant to him. They still mean a lot to him. They float away with the tide, but will remain in his heart forever.

He rubs his fingers over Sasha’s cadet badge. She had been so young when she wore this. The little gremlin scared the shit out of him. She ate with the appetite of a grown man, was loud and boisterous and struggled with following rules. But she was such a joy. She looked at Levi as if he were a person. Cutting her hair was something he was so fond of. He loved to braid it, even if he’d grumble and complain every time she asked. Watching her bleed out on that plane was like a knife to the gut. He had watched her blossom into a strong young woman. He had wanted so much more for her. He lets the badge slip from his fingers and mourns everything she could have been. She had taught him that youth was supposed to bring a lust for life. He didn't know that, growing up in the Underground where youth is a race of who can emerge still alive. Curiosity and innocence followed Sasha wherever she went, no matter the hardships she experienced. He is grateful to have known her. 

The green pendant of Hange’s bolo weighs heavily in his palm. He had wanted to keep this one for himself, but Hange is a free spirit. They yearn to drift, to swell and wane with the push and pull of the tide. Hange cannot be captured. They were too good for this world, so they had to leave. And Levi is lost without them. He will never be whole again. 

Oh, Hange, he thinks, I wish I would’ve told you more.You’re my best friend. I can’t wait to sit in an office with you and listen to you talk about titans all night. Hopefully we can do that again, someday. Maybe then I can tell you. I called you shitty-glasses and that was mean. You do have four eyes, so that’s the best I could come up with. But I trusted you from the first moment I knew you, and you showed me kindness like no one else ever had. I hope you are at peace. I’m sorry we put so much on you. I’ll miss you until the day I die.

He lets the pendant sink into the water. It falls gently into a puff of white sand, going out with a bang, just like Hange would’ve wanted. But even still, it doesn’t go too far away from him. It knows he will need it with him for this part. Hange always knows that, even in death, Levi will still ask for their support. And they will be there.

He looks at the signet in his hand. The beautifully crafted patch he had pulled from Erwin’s jacket. The Wings of Freedom look back at him.

Erwin will always be with him. His bolo tie sits above Levi’s heart and keeps watch over it. But he can’t say goodbye to all of these people without saying goodbye to Erwin. He will say goodbye to him again and again and again until he feels like he has earned it. That will never happen, so he will say goodbye forever. And he is okay with that. He wants to. 

“Erwin,” he whispers, says so lovingly. You exist now only in my memory. I live to remember you. Now and forever.

He holds the patch between shaking palms. The world bends and bleeds in his vision. The ocean is purging him, the salt cleans his wounds. In the distance, the sun rises and cauterizes him clean. It will scar, but it will heal. And he will always remember.

Onyankopon rests a gentle hand on his shoulder, sensing Levi’s agitation. But Levi smiles. His tears mingle with the salt water below, and he sucks in a breath of fresh air.

“If you could do it all again-” Onyankopon stops himself, like he thinks better of what he’s saying.

“Yeah,” Levi murmurs, turning his pale face up to the sun, unafraid. “Without a second thought.”

Levi exhales and lets Erwin’s patch drift out to sea.