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Merlin, for the first time in a very long while, felt truly happy. Things finally felt as if they were how they were meant to be. Arthur was King, and an amazing one at that, Gwen was a wonderful Queen, Merlin’s magic was not only known, but led to his promotion to Court Sorcerer, and there hadn’t been a life-threatening event for any of his loved ones at all that week! He wasn’t very superstitious at heart, but he suddenly felt the urge to knock on some wood as he considered how well things had been going.
For a long time he had been stressed. Constantly wracked with anxiety due to his many secrets and the stress of living in a place that would happily see him dead, while he constantly risked his life for its prosperity. After a while, during Uther’s reign, he had grown tired of the constant urge to scream and crawl inside his own body to hide, so he confided his secret with Arthur.
At first Arthur didn’t take it very happily, but over time he grew to be more and more accepting of magic. Once going so far that Arthur attempted to perform a spell! Merlin had been shocked when he had asked to try (and not quite so shocked when the spell had completely failed). That moment he often thought of fondly, especially due to what unraveled from then on. Despite Arthur’s obvious inability to perform magic, his appreciation for it grew rapidly after. He began to study the books of magic that Merlin possessed and was constantly asking Merlin to show him new spells. He had a silent theory that Arthur’s fascination with magic began because it was the one thing that Arthur himself wasn’t capable of doing.
No matter what the reason though, Merlin was ecstatic at Arthur’s excited acceptance for something that was so integral to himself. Even in his wildest dreams he had never thought that this would have been possible for them.
Eventually, after Uther had passed and Arthur was crowned King, it went without saying that magic would be legalized. And it was much more quick than Merlin had ever thought possible. Within the first month of Arthur’s reign magic was not only legal, but actively encouraged and Merlin was the acting Court Sorcerer.
And, even through all this change, Arthur and Merlin continued to explore magic together. They would get together a few nights a week to research and discuss different spells and techniques that Merlin might find useful. This quickly became a tradition for them, one Merlin wouldn’t change for the world.
Over time, as magic became more common across Camelot, it became apparent that it wasn’t just Merlin and Arthur who were fascinated with all that magic could do. Everyone, or at least all those who weren’t still fearful of its evil, wanted to participate in some way. Slowly market squares began to make places for merchants selling enchanted items and potions. It became a bit of a trend for people, magical and non magical alike, to own something of some power.
Merlin and Arthur thought this advancement was exciting and loved to discuss the new objects and their uses during their ‘magic nights’ as Merlin liked to think of them. They both had gone to several markets and purchased various goods for one another to see and try out.
But their favorite advancement, the one Arthur and Merlin were most excited to see, where the Sorcery Maestros, as they became known. These Maestros only had one true magic use and it was immense beauty. They would perform shows where they would paint a scene around the viewers using only magic. They would place the crowd in a mystical field where they could interact with the nature created around them, or deep in the sea surrounded by friendly mermaids and creatures never before seen. Some would even create a future of their own making and show the crowd how they see the world to be in a hundred years. Those who had the chance to see such art talked about it as if it were a life changing experience. Some well-known magic haters had attended and left singing sorcery’s praises louder than the most accepting.
This art was a constant topic of discussion between Merlin and Arthur. They would track rumors of where shows were to be, hoping to see a trend of Maestros heading in their direction. They would discuss various gossip over the different shows people had seen in lands far away. They discussed how the magic must be done and tried to find ways to become Maestros themselves (which, admittedly, didn't last very long. Merlin was exceedingly gifted at magic, of course, but art? That wasn’t quite his area unfortunately). It went unsaid that the second there was a show in the city, Arthur and Merlin would be in attendance.
Or at least Merlin had thought that hadn’t needed to be said.
~
As Merlin walked the halls one day, he overheard two servants discussing the latest items they had found in the market. Merlin knew it was wrong to eavesdrop of others conversations, but he loved hearing about the new inventions sorcerers created (and loved later sharing his discoveries with Arthur) so he began to slow as he listened, “Isn’t it lovely! They say any easel it touches will become the most incredible of art,” one of the women sighed, wistfully.
“Well not the most incredible, of course,” the other replied, “They say no art is better than that of the Maestros.”
Merlin’s ears perked up as the other woman gasped excitedly, “Oh that reminds me! Did you hear?” As the second woman hummed questioningly, Merlin shifted forward slightly in curiosity, “That Maestro everyone talks about! Oh, what’s his name?” She paused for a moment and Merlin bit his tongue to keep from completing the sentence for her and exposing his position, “Marquin! That’s it! They say he’s coming to the city. And soon too! There’s a stall they were setting up in the marketplace today dedicated to selling tickets for his show. According to the worker, Marquin is only doing one show and tickets go on sale tomorrow. We should try to go! It’s supposed to be incredible! We’ll just have to get tickets early tomorrow. They say they sell out in minutes!”
Merlin didn’t wait to hear if the other woman would agree, he was too busy running as if the hounds of hell were after him.
Arthur needed to know about this yesterday !
~
Once Merlin reached Arhtur’s bedchamber, he wasted no time to catch his breath and immediately pushed the door open,
“Merlin!” Arthur yelled in surprise and an inkling of concern, “Wha-?”
“Marquin is coming to the city! He’s going to perform, Arthur!” Melin yelled breathlessly.
Arthur looked at him in wide-eyed surprise for a moment before breaking into a large, excited smile, “Marquin? How did you find out? Is it too late to get tickets?”
Merlin burst into the story of what he had overheard. As he finished Arthur began pacing, “Oh this is perfect. Just perfect! There’s too many important things to be done around here tomorrow to free time to get tickets, but I’ll be sure to send a servant first thing in the morning! Oh this will be lovely!”
Merlin smiled in excitement as they began to discuss the various things they had heard Marquin could accomplish with his gifts.
Oh this would be a show to remember.
~
The next day Merlin was kept busy with various Court Sorcerer tasks, and before he knew it, it had grown dark. He was thankful his friend was a King because if he weren’t there was no way he would have been able to acquire tickets that day, and they were surely sold out by now.
After Merlin deemed his daily work complete and grew too impatient to hear word of if they would be able to attend the Marquin show, he made his way towards Arthur’s rooms once again. Once he reached his rooms, he once again decided knocking to be far too time consuming and unimportant in the face of his excitement, and opened the door.
Arthur was standing at his desk, staring down at something smiling as big as Merlin had seen since his coronation.
Merlin took a step forward, excitedly, “So, are you going to keep me waiting?” Arthur looked up, still smiling, “Oh you got them didn’t you!”
Arthur laughed, “I did! It was a close call, apparently the servant I sent was one of the last few to acquire tickets before they were sold out, but I have them! Two tickets to Marquin’s show! And if the rumors are to be believed it’s likely to be his best one yet.”
Merlin finally let his excitement take over. Oh, how amazing this would be! They had spent so long hearing about how life changing the experience was and talking about their dreams of going, that a part of him had begun to believe it would never happen. But here it was! There were very few things that could be done to ruin Merlin’s elated feeling in that moment.
“Oh, I’m so excited to see Guinevere’s face! She’s going to love it, I just know it.”
Huh?
With a sinking feeling in his stomach Merlin asked, “Gwen? You… you’re taking Gwen?”
Arthur laughed, still riding the high of getting his prized tickets and not noticing Merlin’s quick change in demeanor, “Yes, of course, who else? She’s always loved art,” He paused for a moment, still not noticing the heartbreak Merlin now wore openly on his face, “Well, now that I think of it she’s never really talked much about art, but that’s no matter. This will still be an experience to remember!”
Merlin felt his heart break further with each word. Had he been stupid to think that Arthur would take him? There hadn’t been a doubt in his mind… Had he overestimated his importance to Arthur? Overestimated how Arthur felt about their talks of magic that Merlin cherished?
Merlin felt tears begin to cloud his vision and started making his retreat, “Yes, um…” He started backing towards the door, “That’s very exciting, sire,” He had quickly reached the doorway and turned to leave, “You both will have a lovely time, I’m sure.”
“Merlin?” Arthur started to ask, but Merlin hardly heard, already taking long strides down the hallway.
He should have knocked on the damn wood.
~
In his hurry to get as far away from Arthur as possible, and likely unhelped by his inability to see due to his tears, Merlin ran face first into a large and impossibly muscular chest.
“Merlin?” Oh, it was Gwaine. Loyal, kind Gwaine who really did not need to be dealing with the emotional mess Merlin was feeling right then.
“Sorry, Gwaine,” Merlin sniffled, trying to move around the hulking figure, “I didn’t see you there. Please excuse me.”
He began to move past before a hand on his arm stopped him, “Wait, Merlin… Are you okay?” His voice was soft with concern.
Merlin tried his best to keep his emotions as far from the surface as he could, but unfortunately failed. Instead of swallowing down the hurt he was feeling, the concern from Gwaine triggered his tears to begin falling even more vigorously, “Yes,” he whispered, “I’m just… don’t worry about it. It’s nothing.”
Gwaine bent down, forcing Merlin to look him in the eyes, “Please, Merlin? I just want to know if there’s anything I can do to help.”
And that was all it took for Merlin to fall over the precipice he was so delicately hanging on. Gasping with sobs he stumbled through the story of how he had thought him and Arthur would go to this show, and how excited he was, just to be shot down and realize that Arthur hadn’t even considered taking him.
“H-He didn’t even hesitate, Gwaine! I th-thought… I didn’t h-have a single doubt that we would g-go, but it hadn’t even occurred to him to take me!” Gwaine looked at him sadly as he stumbled over his words, “I just… we’ve talked about it so much. I would’ve taken him! I wouldn’t have even considered anyone else! So why…?” He trailed off sadly, still hiccuping.
“I’m sorry, Merlin. I know that must be disappointing, Gwaine murmured, “Have you considered telling him that you’re this upset?”
Merlin shook his head vigorously, “No! No, please don’t tell him!”
Gwaine raised a hand, trying to calm him down, “I won't! I won’t, don’t worry. But I think you should.”
Merlin continued shaking his head, “No, that’s not…” He sighed in frustration, “That won’t solve anything.
“Well, maybe if he saw how much you wanted to go, he’d take you instead?”
“That’s the problem!” Merlin burst out, surprising himself with his own anger. Calmer, he continued, “That’s… I don’t want him to take me because I asked him to. I’m upset that I can’t go, but I don’t want to go knowing he would rather be taking someone else and felt obligated to include me.” Gwaine’s eyes widened a bit, realizing more of why Merlin was so upset as he continued, “My whole life, I’ve been second. When I was a manservant here others always were so much… more important than me. When I was a kid the other village kids were forced by their parents to play with me. I guess I’m just… I’m tired of not being thought of.”
Gwaine moved closer to Merlin, as if to hide him from his own negative thoughts, “I understand what you’re saying, but it might still be beneficial to let Arthur know how much this, and any other times he made you feel this way, have affected you. Arthur is a stubborn man, Merlin. He isn’t always able to see past his own nose. Why, I can’t even count the amount of times I’ve had to remind him that he can’t speak to me all pompous-like just because he’s a King now,” It was obvious that Gwaine was trying to make Merlin feel better, but he wasn’t quite in the right place to want to feel better.
Merlin heaved a quiet sigh before whispering, “It’s different, Gwaine. You have to remind him how to show his love for you in the right way, not how to love you in the first place. And it’s dramatic, I know, to have this big of a breakdown over something so small, but…” He trailed off, unsure how to finish.
“But it’s about more than just not going to a show, isn’t it?”
Yeah. It was about more.
And it wasn’t fair, Merlin knew that. He wasn’t just upset at Arthur, he was upset at everyone who had overlooked him throughout his life. He wasn’t just upset about having to miss this show. Arthur should take who he wants to take, Merlin knew that. In fact, he wanted that. If Arthur wanted Gwen there instead, then that’s what he thought should happen.
He just wanted someone to want Merlin there, for once.
Merlin, in his selfish misery, didn’t notice the pair of footsteps that had followed quietly behind him. He did, however, notice when the person that had created the footsteps spoke, “Merlin, I don't… I’m sorry. I hadn’t realized that you thought… that you wanted to go so bad,” Arthur sounded guilty and remorseful, something Merlin had only seen a few times before, and never aimed at him, “Of course you can come with me. Gwen won’t mind sitting out, I’m sure,” He gave a hopeful smile.
Merlin, despite his surprise at Arthur’s presence and embarrassment at what he had overheard, huffed a quiet sigh, “Arthur, I appreciate that, and normally I would be ecstatic, but… I’m not upset that I’m not going, not really anyway. I’m upset that I wasn’t thought of, that it constantly feels like I need to tell people they should think about me. While I’d love to go, I don’t want to take the opportunity from Gwen now, I’m sure she’s so excited. And I don’t want you to invite me because you feel guilty. I wanted you to invite me because it was something we both cared about. Because you wanted me there, and not as a second option,” His shoulder sagged, “I’m tired of being the second option.”
“Merlin, you have to know that’s not what I think!”
Merlin gave a small fake smile before shaking his smile, “Don’t worry about it, Arthur. I’m not mad at you, this is just something I’ll have to deal with myself. This is my issue, not yours.”
Arthur looked like he was going to protest, but Merlin had had enough of the conversation. There wasn’t much more he could say. What he told Arthur was true, he didn’t need or want him to feel bad about rather having Gwen’s company. They were married, of course he would want to do things with her. He just wished that being around him was also desirable, and he wished he didn’t have to make others feel bad about themselves to become an option.
Merlin continued to smile sadly at Arthur, before nodding and starting to turn away, “Truly though Arthur, I do hope you have fun. Try to remember the best parts, I’d love to hear about them,” and finally Merlin walked away, leaving Arthur and Gwaine to watch him leave.
And, Merlin was slightly surprised to note, he meant what he said. He did want Arthur and Gwen to have a great time. It wasn’t their fault that he was disappointed and they deserved to have a nice night out. He just thought it would be nice if their happiness didn’t come at the expense of his own.
However, Merlin knew well that life was rarely nice.
~
Merlin was sitting in his room trying (and failing) to not feel sorry for himself. He had faced much more difficult things, it was silly that this felt so big.
But maybe Merlin had earned the right to feel strongly about the silly things, at this point. He so rarely got the opportunity to just feel the things he wanted to feel, usually far too busy trying to save everyone’s lives. He deserved to get to really feel his emotions over something.
And this felt like it hurt.
Merlin was shaken from his thoughts by a knock on his bedroom door. He thought it odd, very few people ever came to his rooms for anything, but still moved towards the door and opened it.
Standing in the doorway was Gwiane, smiling larger than Merlin had seen in a while, which was saying something as Gwaine was rarely not smiling.
“Hello, Merlin!” He beamed, “A wonderful day, isn’t it?”
“Oh, um…?” Merlin trailed off, confused, “Yes, it’s quite nice out I suppose,” Gwaine continued smiling and opened his mouth to reply, but Merlin continued before he had the chance, “Not to sound ungrateful Gwaine, of course I’m very pleased to see you, but um, what are you doing here?”
Gwaine’s smile only seemed to grow, if that was even possible, “Why I’m here to see if you’re ready, of course!”
Merlin’s brow scrunched as he wracked his brain for plans they may have made, “Um, I’m sorry if I’m forgetting something, but… ready for what, exactly?”
Merlin expected Gwaine to be offended, but he just laughed as if he had expected his confusion, “To the show of course!” Merlin’s eyes grew large, “What, did you think I wouldn’t want to see what all the hubbub was about after you seemed so excited over it?” Gwaine’s smile grew a little smaller, more sweet and private, “And, well, I could hardly think of anyone else that I would rather want to see such a thing with.”
Merlin felt tears come to his eyes, but refused to let them fall, “Oh Gwaine, I’d love to go,” He took a deep breath, fighting all the sappy emotions that would be sure to delay them too long to make the show in time, “Thank you,” he whispered, touched.
Gwaine’s smile softened even more, “No need for that Merlin. This is for me just as much as it’s for you.” That was exactly why Merlin felt compelled to thank him, but Merlin decided not to say anything. There were other ways of showing Gwaine how grateful he was. Like going to the show and helping Gwaine have a magical night.
Instead of replying Merlin stepped through the door and held out his arm, which Gwaine happily grasped and together they left, smiling and laughing the whole way.