Chapter Text
Squid Fact of the Day: Did you know that squid have W-shaped pupils? Since they live in shallow areas with a lot of light at the top of their sight and very little below, the W shape actually helps balance out the uneven light levels. The different horizontal and vertical orientations of the pupil help balance out light across the retina, reducing the contrast between the brightest and darkest parts of their environment, and letting them distinguish objects more easily.
—
Stede wasn’t sure what was more pathetic: that the Squid Facts are the highlight of his day, or that he is seriously thinking of correcting the fact they had just sent. He has no idea who Squid Facts actually is or if this is a thread he can even reply to and have someone see it, but eventually he figures, fuck it, even if no one sees it, he gets that cathartic boost of sending a correction. At least if they see it they won’t be able to call him a pedantic bitch to his face. So he shoots off a reply:
[Stede, 1:19PM] Hello Squid Facts! Hope I’m not bursting your proverbial bubble, but my understanding is that only cuttlefish have W-shaped pupils, not all squid! Perhaps this is rude to comment, as I’m not an expert on cephalopods, but I thought I’d bring it to your attention!
And promptly forgets about it, going back to grocery shopping. At least he’s also shopping for his kids today, as they’ll be visiting him tomorrow. Slightly less pathetic than his usual lonely gay divorcee grocery shopping anyway.
—
Ed is in the middle of an honestly disappointing sandwich (really not his best work, he’s done way better) when his email notification pings. Which is a little weird. He doesn’t get a lot of emails these days unless it’s another random joining his Squid Facts thread. Or even worse, someone who joined the thread and is now sending him tentacle porn, which he always promptly blocks and boots off his list. Being a teuthologist does not automatically mean someone’s into that, thank you very much. Shuddering a bit, he picks up the phone, hoping someone isn’t about to ruin his lunch.
Huh.
The email is telling him someone replied to his Squid Facts thread, but thankfully the reply is not what he was dreading. It’s—well, it’s actually pretty fucking funny.
[Unknown Number, 1:19PM] Hello Squid Facts! Hope I’m not bursting your proverbial bubble, but my understanding is that only cuttlefish have W-shaped pupils, not all squid! Perhaps this is rude to comment, as I’m not expert on cephalopods, but I thought I’d bring it to your attention!
Fascinating.
And annoying, but only because he considers himself a pretty firm authority on squids and other cephalopods (as a doctorate and several acclaimed academic papers can attest), and he knows only cuttlefish have W-shaped pupils, he’d been the main author of a ridiculously long, even by his standards, article on it, but he’d been arguing with Izzy over a prospective research project before sending off the daily squid fact, so he clearly had totally spaced and missed that rather important detail.
However, the guy (or, well, person) was surprisingly polite, barely mansplaining here, or whitesplaining, and just generally not being an asshole that Ed experiences from visitors or colleagues occasionally. So that’s a surprising breath of fresh air, and he doesn’t mind the idea of thanking a non-asshole.
He does realize he should probably keep up the guise that this is 100% automated, that a bot is sending these facts and the subscription isn’t reply-able because he doesn’t need more weird texts.
But hell, he’s bored. He keeps the app he uses for Squid Facts on his phone, so he can easily send off a reply to this specific person easy peasy. And he started Squid Facts because he was bored and had a little spare money to start a text subscription (that and he was following through on a dare from Fang.) And this person is (maybe, hopefully, honestly he really couldn’t be sure) not a creep, so sure, he’ll bite.
[Ed, 1:24PM] Hey Squid Facts follower, you got me there! Admittedly I was distracted when I sent out today’s fact and had meant to specify that only cuttlefish have W-shaped pupils. Thanks for catching that!
He wants to add “and for not being a dick,” but he should probably keep it clean. Who knows who's texting him. For all he knows, it's one of his bosses keeping an eye on him.
He takes another bite of his bland sandwich and checks the clock. 1:25. Almost off lunch. He’s cool with that. He’s on tour guide duty today and there are a few schools scheduled to come in that he’s excited to lead. Honestly, he’s been enjoying the work at the aquarium. He's expected to do his research, yes, and he is head keeper for the cephalopods, but he also gets to nerd out about aquatic creatures to visitors, which he secretly loves, so he gets the best of all worlds. It really isn’t a bad gig at all.
He sends out a quick correction text to his entire band of Squid Facts subscribers, puts his phone on silent, and gets ready to head to the front desk, throwing Squid Facts to the back of his mind.
—
Shit. Holy shit.
When Stede gets back from grocery shopping, he checks his phone to see that Squid Facts has replied to his text, and he instantly assumes the worst. That they think he’s an asshole, some mansplainer incel who spends all his time trolling Reddit boards waiting to pounce on the tiniest infraction and blow it out of proportion.
It takes him a while to look at the text. He puts away groceries, neatens up around the house, has some lunch, checks a few emails.
Finally he thinks he’s mentally ready to take whatever reply it could be (even a passive “ok thanks”) and opens his messages.
Wow. That’s really not bad at all. In fact, they seem quite nice about it!
It’s such a relief that Stede feels the urge to text back just to say a thank you for not taking his reply the wrong way. Just to make sure they’re on the same level and Squid Facts isn’t inclined to boot him from the subscription some time in the future.
[Stede, 3:02PM] Well it can happen to anyone! By the way, I’m glad my comment didn’t come off as untoward or rude. I was rather anxious that I would look like an ass offering the correction, but I did it anyway. So thank you!
And with that, Stede goes about the rest of his day.
—
About 7 pm though, Stede hears a ping from his phone.
[Squid Facts, 7:06PM] No problem at all mate. We’re all human you know? Prone to error and I’m no different. I have to say I appreciated you not being an ass about it, cause I’ve had some people act like that when they correct me (or just think I’m wrong, lol)
This is a perfectly suitable text on which to end their interaction, and yet the tone feels so easy and friendly to Stede that he can’t help but reply. If anything, Squid Facts person can tell him to stop.
[Stede, 7:07PM] My sentiments exactly! Goodness knows my life has been full of errors, and none of us are immune! I hope it’s not often you have to deal with assholes at work!
[Squid Facts, 7:09PM] Mm, kinda depends. I think I’ve gotten off kinda easy compared to others, but also being queer and Māori has led to some shitty comments. 🤷🏽
[Stede, 7:11PM] That’s just awful! Do you think the bigots of the world will ever decide to lay down their arms? I’m recently out as gay myself but I am also extremely white, so my own experiences are rather different.
[Squid Facts, 7:12PM] Nah, bigots are gonna fuckin bigot. Which sucks, but it’s hard to beat hate out of people. Not literally, lol.
[Stede, 7:12PM] I understand.
[Stede, 7:17PM] Anyway, I should stop bothering you really, I’m sure you’ve had enough of my chatter. Though I hate to end on such a low note, so I’ll sign off with a fun fact of my own: Did you know it takes 4, sometimes 5 generations of Monarch butterflies for them to complete a full migration? Say from Canada to Mexico and back again. Somehow they know where to continue once they’ve fully metamorphosed! Astounding!
[Squid Facts, 7:20PM] You weren’t a bother, honestly mate. Made my day more interesting that’s for sure. And no shit? That’s fuckin WILD. The animal kingdom is truly fascinating. Have a good night.
Stede sets the phone down, feeling an oddly warm flutter in his stomach.
Talking to the Squid Facts person was one of the most pleasant human interactions he’s had in a while.
—
The next time Stede texts Squid Facts, he’s a little drunk.
Lucius had taken him out to drinks with his friend group, who had by some divine stroke of luck accepted Stede and let him come along to their hang-outs. It honestly felt a little like they were pitying him, and he knows in any other situation he would never be friends with these people, just because their personalities and interests are so different, but they more or less accepted and respected him and treated him well. Something had endeared him to this delightful and diverse group of queer folk, and well, he wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth.
Still, tonight, after an Uber has taken him home and he’s dutifully texted Lucius that he’s home safe, the usual pit of melancholy in his stomach starts to roil again.
So he shoots off a text before he can overthink it.
[Stede, 12:37AM] Do you think squids ever get lonely?
He slumps on his couch, not quite ready to sleep, and kicks his feet up.
Fuck, why did I send that? He’s probably not awake, he’ll wake up to this weird text and then think I’m a freak and block me, and then I won’t get daily squid facts, and—fuck!
Ping!
Stede’s phone lights up on the coffee table and he reluctantly leans over to check it.
Shit.
It’s from Squid Facts.
Probably telling me to fuck off.
He doesn’t want to check it, he doesn’t, but he also really does and he’s feeling enough self-loathing to figure he could use a good shot to his self esteem to dwell on when he tries to fall asleep later.
[Squid Facts, 12:40AM] Do I—do you want the scientific answer or do you want me to wax some poetic shit about it?
So that’s…neutral. Maybe a little condescending? Stede can’t tell.
[Stede, 12:42AM] Lets go with scientific.
After a few minutes, he gets a reply.
[Squid Facts, 12:47AM] Ok, so we don’t know much about the emotional capacity of squids and other cephalopods. They’re elusive and complex creatures, and proper emotions in general as we recognize them in humans are just hard to quantify in non-humans. Squid tend to be solitary creatures, especially in the deep sea, so if they can feel loneliness, they probably wouldn’t feel it often because they’re naturally alone a lot. However, we can’t know for sure
[Stede. 12:51AM] Ahh I see! I’ve always been interested in the range of emotions and personality that non human animals display and wondered where squids fell on that
[Stede, 12:52AM] Also, I’d like to apologize for the random and unusual question.
[Squid Facts, 12:53AM] No problem mate, I’m still up anyway.
A few minutes pass, and then:
[Squid Facts, 12:56AM] If you don’t mind me asking, and feel free to tell me to fuck off, is this coming from something? Like are you ok mate?
[Squid Facts, 12:56 AM] Fuck that was invasive, you don’t have to answer that.
[Stede, 1:06AM] Actually, well, I must confess I’ve had a bit much to drink. Just got done meeting up with a very nice friend group that I kind of accidentally fell into, but I still feel like an outsider in the group. I kind of always have in any group. Just felt like I never quite fit in anywhere. I think I’m kind of a strange person and its hard for me to connect with people. Not that I don’t want to connect with them. It’s just hard. So yeah, wondered if squids felt the same way too.
[Stede, 1:07AM] Thats overly personal. I really shouldn’t be sharing this with you. Thats what I have a therapist for, haha.
[Stede, 1:07AM] Anyway, sorry for dumping this on you. Told you I was strange.
Stede wipes his face and groans. This is dangerous territory; he should not be getting this personal with a stranger who shares squid facts. He’s about to get up to fetch some water when he gets an answer back.
[Squid Facts, 1:08AM] Huh
[Squid Facts, 1:08AM] You know, I totally get that. Always felt like the odd one out too. Have my friends, but I never feel as close to them as they seem with each other
[Squid Facts, 1:09AM] And maybe its weird to get personal like that with some random guy who texts people squid facts, but you seem like a nice person, follower.
Stede’s heart leaps in his throat. Is Squid Facts guy being nice to him? And even more, saying he could relate? This is—this is insane, totally unexpected.
And also, very nice. It even calms some of the melancholy in his chest.
So he texts back.
[Stede, 1:10AM] Stede, my name is Stede. And yes, I didn’t misspell it. there really is a D
[Stede, 1:10AM] Also he/him
He laughs to himself.
This is so weird.
[Squid Facts, 1:11AM] Nice to meet you virtually Stede. I’m Ed. He/him too :)
A smile blooms on his face as the murky melancholy dies further down.
[Stede, 1:12AM] Well Ed, I should probably leave you to sleep and I should turn in myself. I don’t take hangovers like I used to, lol. Good night.
[Ed 🦑, 1:14AM] Good night Stede, and listen if you ever need a spare person to talk to, I’m here. It’s no problem :)
And for some reason, Stede believes him.
—
So for the next month, they text. Normally it’s prompted by a squid fact. Stede will reply with an observation or extremely loosely related anecdote, and they go from there. They chat about anything and everything: Stede learns that Ed is actually quite accomplished in the kitchen, owns a motorcycle, and secretly loves Ken Burns documentaries (secretly because even though most people can agree that Ken Burns docs are great, Ed says he has a reputation to maintain. What kind of reputation that is, Stede doesn’t know). And Ed learns that Stede loves to hike, refuses to watch Titanic (“I know how the ship sinks! Anything else in the story is unnecessary!”), and was in the fencing club at uni, even though he was awful at it.
He also eventually reveals his former marriage, having mentioned that he was going to have his kids for a few days since Mary was going to an art show out of town. Ed doesn’t judge him about it. He seems really interested in Stede’s life and what he has to say about things.
Which is rather odd for Stede, because he’s so used to people not caring about his opinion or thinking he was too much that anyone who says otherwise seems like an anomaly.
And he can’t gauge whether Ed is actually being genuine through the phone screen, but he certainly seems genuine.
And Stede has to admit that he really enjoys hearing about Ed’s life, about his black cat Queen Anne and her antics, about his latest cooking venture (and sometimes failure), about his favorite books.
In fact, he really likes Ed.
As a friend, because you can’t just fall for someone through texting, right?
Not that Stede thinks he’s falling for Ed! That would be ridiculous.
But he definitely acknowledges that over these several weeks he and Ed have grown close in a way that Stede has never quite felt with any of his friends, of which there are few anyway. Ed makes him feel comfortable and seen in a way he’s never experienced before.
And honestly? That’s all that matters.
—
[Stede 🌻, 6:58PM] You know, I really like talking to you Ed.
It pops up on Ed’s phone about a month after they started texting more regularly, while Ed is idly lounging on his couch, watching the Sun set through his window. He'd long since switched to texting Stede normally, not through his app for Squid Facts.
A nervous and excited fluttering kicks up in his chest. This has been happening more and more often. Stede will text something endearing or sweet, either out of the blue or just sprinkled into his messages, and then Ed will get the urge to smile and kick his feet like a schoolgirl.
No one’s made him feel like this before.
And it’s starting to be a real fucking problem.
Ed doesn’t love having crushes, because that’s what they often feel like, like something is crushing his chest and he can’t quite breathe right and he feels a little off-kilter and like at any point this bubble he’s in is going to burst and he’ll have to pick up the pieces again.
But damn, he loves texting Stede. The man is a little wild: knows a bunch of insane facts and is a little unhinged, but not in a dangerous way. Just, quirky guy who finally gets to do his own thing isn’t quite sure how to handle all this freedom and he’s just going for it.
The guy is just fascinating! They have real conversations, not just idle chit chats and check ins, though they do some of those as well if one is tired, and Ed has never felt this connected with someone. Stede just seems to get him, which is also crazy because Stede seems so different from Ed, and yet they share so much in common as well.
Ed hasn’t brought up the fact that they’re probably both on the North Island, given their area codes, and neither has Stede, and even though Ed is starting to pine for the possibility of meeting Stede in real life, he’s way too anxious that it might spook the man and break Ed’s precious bubble.
So he doesn’t, and he slowly falls more and more for Stede.
—
[Stede🌻😊, 3:48PM] Is there any evidence of squids forming same-sex partnerships?
Ed is messing around on his phone at work when the text comes in from Stede.
Hmm. A bit off the cuff, but that’s Stede for ya.
[Ed, 3:54PM] Squid are pretty solitary, so in terms of seemingly deliberate, emotional same sex bonding partnerships, or even opposite sex bonding partnerships, we haven’t observed that. However, several species of squid, the Humboldt, mesologic, etc basically a lot of them deep sea squid are in a very technical sense bisexual. When males are looking to mate and spread their sperm, they’re pretty indiscriminate. Don’t come across a lot of their kind, so if they find any fellow squid, they’re gonna mate with it, male or female. Part of that is a vision thing because it’s so damn dark down there and even squid have a tough time telling the sex of their fellow species. And we’ve observed packages of sperm, or spermatophores, implanted on other male squid. So not same sex in an emotional bonding sense, but in a biological I have to pass on my genes to the next generation and will mate with anything to do it sense, yeah.
[Stede 🌻😊, 3:56PM] Ah, fascinating! I kind of figured the same sex bonding was a reach but i didn’t even think about the mating style! Wow! I’m at Pride so it was on my mind.
[Ed, 3:57PM] Pride? Awesome! Wish I had time to go to Pride this year.
He takes a big sip of overly-sweet and overly-expensive lemonade he had picked up from the aquarium’s concession stand.
[Stede 🌻😊, 4:00PM] I’m having a nice time! Well, pretty nice. Lucius and the others are here as well, but they’ve largely split off so I’m on my own right now. I’ve been trying to find some other gay-aces to talk to, but not everyone has a flag, and I’m too nervous to ask.
And nearly spits out his drink. No way. There’s no way this guy that he has low-key-not really-but also yeah, maybe honestly has a crush on is also gay and asexual. Those kinds of coincidences don’t happen to him.
[Ed, 4:03PM] For real? You’re gay and ace?
[Stede 🌻😊, 4:08PM] Well yes. I know we’ve discussed my coming out a while back? but also yes, I’m ace too.
[Ed, 4:10PM] You’re never gonna believe this but me too.
Fuck, this is not helpful for his stupid crush.
[Stede 🌻😊, 4:15PM] Incredible! Gosh, I wish you were here then. Give me someone else to talk to.
Fuck it. In for a penny or whatever.
[Ed, 4:17PM] I wish I was there too
Ed throws his phone across his desk.
The fuck do you mean? You don’t even know where he is. He could be on the other side of the country. Fuck, you’re being ridiculous. Fucking—
Ping!
[Stede 🌻😊, 4:18PM] Well maybe next year! If you find yourself in the Wellington area we could meet up there!
Ed is pretty sure he’s going to scream. Because he’s in Wellington. And so is Stede. Oh, he is so fucked.
Play it cool Teach. Don’t give away too much.
[Ed, 4:22PM] You know what, I think I could make that work. 😉
Stede sends back a slew of excited emojis [🤩👏🥳😍😄👏] and Ed buries his face in his hands.
Fuuuuck, I'm in so much trouble.
—
Then Stede texts him later that night, and Ed knows this is going to be a problem. He sends a selfie of a young man with brown hair and ridiculous sideburns, clearly tipsy, with his arm slung around—well, it must be Stede, he has a rainbow flag painted on one cheek and an ace flag painted on the other. And his features match what Stede has briefly mentioned about his own appearance.
And fuck, he’s cute. The sweaty, fluffy blonde curls, hazel eyes beaming at him, delightfully bashful smile, a ridiculous patterned button-up, at least from what Ed can tell as the photo is just from the shoulders up.
Honestly, he gives off major DILF energy, not that Ed actually wants to sleep with him, but the idea of snuggling up to him while they watch a movie, fingers curled in his hair, and hell, throw in some pashing that beautiful face? Right up Ed’s alley.
Oh, he’s screwed.
[Stede 🌻😓, 9:32PM] Roach convinced me to try the 40 orange cake smoothie neglecting to say it was spiked! So now Luc is is taking care of me, says he doesn’t want his baby gay dad friend to get lost.
Well, if he’s sending a photo, Ed should too, because that’s only logical, so he shoots a quick selfie with his cat Queen Anne, scooping her up and smooshing her to his face against the backdrop of the rainbow fairy lights in his bedroom. He examines it quickly and determines he actually looks pretty good, not that he’s trying to get Stede to think so (though it would be a hell of a plus), and a:
[Ed, 9:34PM] Looking good! Queen Anne isn’t so keen on looking after me tonight though 😒
There. “Looking good” can totally be read as platonic, no worries there!
[Stede 🌻😓, 9:35PM] Thank you!! Is the face paint too much? Only I quite like it. You look good too! 😊
That’s platonic. It is. It is. And so is:
[Ed, 9:37PM] Nah I think the face paint is cute! And thanks but Annie doesn’t like to share 😼😸
Some light, vague flirting is totally acceptable. It’s really just banter.
[Stede 🌻😓, 9:40PM] Well far be it from me to steal the Queens handsome consort!
Is—he’s not flirting, is he? This is still just friendly, this can be read as platonic.
[Ed, 9:42PM] Nah i’m more her handsome humble servant. She likes giving eyes to the cat across the street
See? Friendly. Anne bumps against him and meows, so Ed gives her some head scratches.
“You’re too good for a lowly serf like me, right Annie?”
She chirps.
“Good, you deserve the best. Keep your standards high babe.”
Bzzt
[Stede 🌻😓, 9:46PM] Good
[Stede 🌻😓, 9:46PM] well not good that you’re a servant unless you don’t mind waiting on Anne, or maybe not good that you’re single?
[Stede 🌻😓, 9:46PM] Unless you like being single!
[Stede 🌻😓, 9:47PM] I think I need to shut up. Good night Ed 🌟🌈
Ed flops back on his bed and groans, spooking Anne.
“This man is going to be the death of me, Annie.”
—
Stede wakes up with an average hangover: not totally agonizing, but certainly not pleasant. As he finally drags himself out of bed around noon, squinting at the light streaming through his curtains and wondering just how much coffee is needed for this scale of bleh, he checks his texts. Several from the group chat of his “crew,” touting their activities at Pride and checking in to make sure everyone got home safe—Stede types out a quick confirmation since he forgot last night—and Mary asking how Pride went.
And a text from Ed.
[Ed 🦑😊, 8:32AM] Good morning or afternoon depending when you get up 😂
[Ed 🦑😊, 8:34AM] Before you ask, squids don’t get hangovers because they don’t drink 😉
Stede snorts. He scrolls up and reads their conversation from last night, and his heart does a little flip. Ed had said he was gay and ace. Which is good. Really good.
Because he’s starting to realize he has feelings for Ed, like hold hands in the park, share a romantic slice of cake at a fancy restaurant, spend the rest of his life getting to know Ed feelings. Which could certainly work if Ed wasn’t ace. But Stede knows if he personally dated someone who also wasn’t ace, he would constantly worry over whether he was ‘enough’ for them and giving them a truly satisfying relationship. He doesn’t like that that’s how he feels, but it’s hard for him to change his anxieties at the drop of a hat. And for him it just is more reassuring that he’s not a problem or not enough.
Even years of therapy haven’t taken that out of him yet.
So yeah, Ed also being ace is a good discovery. Another good discovery, though entirely inconsequential, is that Ed is really attractive. And yesterday Stede had—
Oh god, were Ed and I flirting?
Yup, we were flirting.
Social cues aren’t his strong suit, but even Stede can see the writing on the wall, or rather the texts on the screen.
And now he feels weird. He doesn’t flirt a lot. Pretty much ever. Unless he does it involuntarily which may have been the case last night what with his inebriated state, but he’d definitely meant what he said.
And then Ed had flirted back. Another good discovery, but one Stede views with wariness. Because maybe he’s like Stede and not always good at knowing how others interpret his words. Maybe he’s just being nice, because Ed is a really nice guy. And really, Ed being interested in Stede would be too serendipitous, honestly just not possible. And yet…
What’s a little more?
[Stede, 11:52AM] God I wouldn’t wish one on them, they dont deserve it. And they don’t have texts waiting from nice men when they get up
Turns out when he tries to flirt it’s lame as hell. Still, he immediately chucks the phone on his bed and goes to the bathroom to try and freshen up.
And emerging several minutes later, at least feeling more awake and clean, he risks a look at his phone.
[Ed 🦑😊, 11:55AM] How do you know I don’t spend my free time texting squids? 🧐😂
[Stede, 12:12PM] Honestly I wouldn’t be surprised
[Ed 🦑😊, 12:16PM] Whats that supposed to mean?
[Stede, 12:18PM] I mean master teuthologist? Able to talk to squids? I could see it
[Ed 🦑😊, 12:19PM] Master teuthologist, don’t think I’ve heard that one before
[Ed 🦑😊, 12:19PM] I like it
[Ed 🦑😊, 12:20PM] Anyway looks like you had fun at Pride last night! It end well?
[Stede, 12:22PM] Quite! Lucius called me an Uber and I pretty much passed out straight when I got home
[Ed 🦑😊, 12:24PM] Straight when you got home? You were just at Pride mate 🤦🏽
[Stede, 12:25PM] Oh, Very Good joke Ed 🙄
[Ed 🦑😊, 12:26PM] Hey if theres one thing I’m known for it’s my excellent humor and staggering good looks
Well that’s just bait.
Stede is willing to take it.
[Stede, 12:27PM] A) thats two things and b) I can only agree on one of those things
[Ed 🦑😊, 12:28PM] What, you don’t think I’m ridiculously handsome?
[Ed 🦑😊, 12:29PM] 😉
[Stede, 12:32PM] Alas, you are in fact quite handsome. But when it comes to humor…👀👀
[Stede, 12:33PM] Actually I do think youre quite funny but that joke was bad and you know it
[Stede, 12:33PM] So perhaps you are known for two things
[Ed 🦑😊, 12:34PM] Aw well thanks mate
[Ed 🦑😊, 12:36PM] FWIW I think you’re funny and handsome too.
Stede falls back on his bed and holds his phone to his chest briefly, resisting a teenager-ish urge to squeal.
[Stede, 12:37PM] Really? I looked sloppy last night, it’s really not my best look!
[Ed 🦑😊, 12:42PM] Okay then, send me your best look on your phone. I’ll be the judge of that.
Fuck. Really? He doesn’t have a lot of selfies on his phone, but surely there’s one that makes him look the best. He settles on one where his hair was particularly nice and fluffy and he was wearing one of his favorite suits, a deep navy, except he’d worn a striped t shirt instead of a button down and brown Chelsea boots.
[Ed 🦑😊, 12:50PM] Wow. Ok.
[Stede, 12:53PM] Ok?
[Ed 🦑😊, 12:57PM] Yeah uh, I don’t know if this is untoward to say but you’re like really hot.
Well that wasn’t the reaction I was expecting.
This is…new territory.
[Stede, 1:00PM] Oh
[Ed 🦑😊, 1:05PM] Yeah sorry if that was weird
[Stede, 1:08PM] No no! Thank you. The only way its weird is because it’s coming from a man who is much more handsome than me.
[Ed 🦑😊, 1:08PM] Well that wasn’t even my best look
[Stede, 1:09PM] Then you have to share! Best look on your phone!
And then Ed sends back an honestly stunning look—lounging on a couch in a luxurious but comfortable-looking and loose white linen suit, silvery curls somehow falling perfectly, deep brown eyes gazing at the camera.
[Stede, 1:13PM] Now this is unfair. Ed you’re an extremely handsome man!
[Ed 🦑😊, 1:14PM] You know what you got me there. I am hot as fuck 😎😎
[Stede, 1:19PM] Wow and modest to boot! You must be knee deep in men 😂
[Ed 🦑😊, 1:29PM] Not really, I don’t date much. Pretty much cause of the whole ace thing. It’s not always a dealbreaker, but sometimes…
[Stede, 1:32PM] I get it. I’ve barely dated since coming out. it’s been a whole thing and people hear about the two kids and say I can’t be ace, but I was gay and married to a woman for 12 years, so I’d say anything is possible.
[Ed 🦑😊, 1:33PM] Yeah fuck people who say you’re not ace, they don’t know shit about you.
[Ed 🦑😊, 1:34PM] You’re awesome and you’re valid okay? Don’t forget that
[Stede, 1:39PM] Thank you Ed. that means the world to me 💜
Fuck. This is veering so far out of platonic territory.
He doesn’t even know where Ed lives, let alone if Ed would want to actually pursue anything with Stede, extremely awkward flirting aside. Awkward enough that Stede would rather just not attempt it again.
So he steers back into the comfortable platonic area.
[Stede, 1:40PM] You’re really a great friend. 💜
[Ed 🦑😊, 1:45PM] I really am 😉 but so are you Stede 💜
God, I hope I haven’t royally fucked this up somehow.
—
They don’t text the rest of that day, which is fine with Ed because he’s still trying to process what the fuck went on there, and Saturdays are his "errands and do all the shit he’s been avoiding during the week" days, so he throws himself into making his life feel some semblance of put together.
Stede replies to a squid fact the next day, and they carry on in their usual way as if whatever awkward flirting thing that happened…didn’t happen. Because it’s easier that way. They’re both nerdy middle aged men with questionable social skills.
So in this situation, which is increasingly comfortable but still so tentative, it’s better to just drop it.
They text more. Send photos of their day. Send good morning and good night texts. Just get to know each other better. And the more Ed gets to know Stede, the more he knows.
It’ll happen eventually.
—
A week after Pride, Ed gets a text from Stede in the middle of doing laundry. It’s just a photo of his hand, except each finger has a small, rubbery, neon green octopus tentacle on them like some extravagant nail job
[Stede 🌻💜, 2:45PM] Ed! Have you seen these before? They’re wonderful! I was in a small toy shop with the kids and they were obsessed with them, and I must say I think they’re cool too. Figured you would like them!
[Ed, 2:46PM] Hah, yeah, we sell those in our gift shop mate. Always seeing the kids sneak up on their parents with them and getting yelled at
[Stede 🌻💜, 2:50PM] Gift shop? I figured you had a science job maybe? Unless squids are just a separate passion of yours
Ed stops to think for a second. Is it smart to tell Stede where he works? They’ve been texting for a couple months or so, and he’s far beyond the concern that Stede is some secret serial killer waiting to pounce on him and like, dump his body in the bay. And maybe then it could determine if they lived close enough to…meet up? If Stede’s up for it?
Fuck it.
[Ed, 2:52PM] Ah yeah, I work at the Queen Anne Aquarium. Have for a few years now. I’m a teuthologist there and work with the cephalopods, but I do tour guide stuff as well.
[Stede 🌻💜, 2:55PM] Queen Anne?! Ed! I know where that is! I’ve taken my children there! Why didn’t you tell me earlier?
[Ed, 2:56PM] I dunno, never came up and I was still gauging whether you were a serial killer or not
[Stede 🌻💜, 2:58PM] And hopefully I’ve passed the assessment?
[Ed, 3:00PM] Hmmm idk…
[Ed, 3:00PM] Kidding 😉😌
[Stede 🌻💜, 3:04PM] Well glad im not a creep by Ed standards 🤭😊
[Ed, 3:07PM] To be fair my standards are pretty low
[Stede 🌻💜, 3:09PM] Oh well now that makes me feel so much better about myself
[Ed, 3:11PM] Nah trust me you’re one of the best people I know
[Stede 🌻💜, 3:13PM] Well im honored though im also concerned about who else you know now if im the best
[Ed, 3:14PM] Don’t sell yourself short mate! I’ve told you this before!
[Stede 🌻💜, 3:16PM] I know I know! It’s hard though! But my therapist says I’ve become better at believing in my assets since I first started seeing her
Pretty soon, the subject of location and Ed’s work is long forgotten, and Ed doesn’t give it a second thought.
—
It’s been a slow day at work. Ed’s on front desk duty and he’s seen about 10 visitors, none of who really wanted to talk, just wanted tickets and to speed off into the exhibits.
And it’s 5:30. So it’s dragged on. He’s been able to do some research and editing on a new paper on his computer, but there’s also just been a fuck ton of solitaire and minesweeper and obsessive organizing of the desk, which is never as neat as Ed would like it to be.
There’s a volunteer docent, Nina, who’s been with Ed part of the afternoon, leaning against the front desk and chatting with Ed (thankfully making the time go faster), when the front door bell chimes.
“Who the hell is getting here right before we close?” Nina hisses, and Ed rolls his eyes in agreement. “I’ll try and shoo them out, maybe they just want to see the gift shop.”
She approaches the person and welcomes them while Ed glances down at his phone, totally willing to let her take the lead on this interaction.
“Actually, I was looking for a man who works here named Ed…”
Ed’s head shoots up and his heart nearly stops.
The blonde curls. Hazel eyes. A button-up with little albatrosses on it. An absolute dream.
“Stede?”
The blonde looks in his direction and his shy, inquisitive face immediately lights up as he strides to the front desk.
“Ed, it’s you! I was wondering if you’d be here today, and I had to rush here from work. Afraid I’m across town.”
Nina pops up behind Stede’s shoulder, pointing at him excitedly and mouthing “Who’s this?” to Ed. He glares and waves a hand to send her away. Stede frowns.
“I’m sorry, did you not want—“
“Nonono! This is great! My friend Nina here is being an asshole though.” He shoots her another dirty look and she laughs.
“Fiiine, I’ll make myself scarce. But I want my answer, Teach!” She walks off deeper into the aquarium.
Stede giggles and Ed finds his face growing a little hot. “Teach? Is that your nickname?”
“Nah, that’s my last name. Edward Teach, born on a beach. Not really.”
“Oh well that’s a lovely name! I can’t believe after all this time I never fully gave you mine. Stede Bonnet, no fun rhyme to follow it.”
Ed raises an eyebrow. “Well, with the way you just said that, that actually kinda rhymes!”
Stede grins, looking thoughtful. “Yes, I guess it does! Still not very good though.”
“We could workshop it.”
“Yes, we certainly could.”
Their eyes meet for just a moment and then flit away, both blushing.
A beat of silence.
“Anyway, what the hell are you doing here mate?”
Stede turns red and grips the edge of the front desk, taking a nervous glance around.
“Well, uhm, I—I wanted to. See you. In person.”
The fluttery feeling that started when Ed first saw Stede walk in pulses a little.
“Oh?”
He’s still tapping the desk nervously and avoiding Ed’s eyes. “Yes. Because. Well—I don’t—I’m not sure how you’ve been reading our correspondence—and maybe I’m being ridiculously presumptive, but I’ve shown them to my therapist and even Mary, I hope that’s not weird—and you can tell me it’s weird—but, well we are friends! Good friends, I like to think!”
Ed raises an eyebrow, the fluttering only growing more intense, rising into his chest. His face feels even warmer. “Yeah, you’re one of my best friends, if not the best, even if we’re just meeting now.”
“Exactly!” Stede nearly shouts. “And I wasn’t sure if you could even make that close a connection to someone just over the phone, and I don’t quite know what I’m trying to say—but I also think we’ve kind of been—well—it’s been kind of awkward—but I think we—“ he cuts himself off and keeps tapping frantically on the desk.
But Ed thinks he knows.
And he places his hands gently over Stede’s tapping ones, bringing them to rest. The point of contact causes a little buzz to zip through his brain, and Stede finally meets Ed’s eyes, a little bewildered.
“Oh…”
“Uh, I think I might be able to explain, unless I’ve been getting this totally wrong. I think—well that’s not it—I—I really enjoy talking with you Stede. And sharing all the dumb details about my day, and squid facts, and the awkward flirting, if that’s what you were going to say.” Stede flushes and can’t stop a crooked smile from peeking on his face. “For some reason you get me like no one else ever has. And somewhere along the way, it sounds stupid in my head, but I got a little crush. On you.”
He feels Stede’s hands twitch beneath his.
“A little crush?” In a voice that is rather small and tentative.
“Honestly, maybe a big crush,” Ed admits.
A slight smile starts to curve on Stede’s face. “Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Well that’s…really good. Because I feel the same way.” Stede laughs a little breathily, and he flips his hands to better hold Ed’s.
“No kidding?”
“No kidding.”
A wheezy sort of laugh escapes Ed. “This is…”
“A little bit crazy?”
“Yeah, a little bit crazy. Kinda shit you read in books.”
“And yet here it is in real life.”
“Yeah, here it is.”
The two gaze at each other for a long moment, getting used to the physical presence of the other.
“So…” Ed starts.
“So…”
“What are you doing after this?”
“What, me?”
“Yeah you, blondie.” Ed grins cheekily.
“Oh, I—I didn’t think this far in advance. Kind of figured I’d just end up going home after this. Honestly, I pretty much got as far as ‘enter the aquarium’ and then I got too nervous to think of anything else.”
“And do you want to go home?”
“Do I—“
Ed rolls his eyes fondly. “Do you want to go home, or do you want to go on a date after I close up here?”
“I—really?”
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure we established I really like you.”
“And I really like you.”
“That’s the impression I got.”
Stede blushes even more, and god is it adorable on him. “Right, sorry, I’m probably fucking this up, being totally space-y. You’re just really—handsome and charming and I was pretty sure you’d say no—“
“But I didn’t.”
“Yes.”
“So? Will you go on a date with me? I know a cosy restaurant nearby, and it’s right by the waterfront, we could maybe even take our food and eat it by the water. If you’re into that.”
Ed shuts himself up before he says something stupid like, “and then we can walk for hours and hold hands and I can take you to meet my cat and we can snuggle up and watch a movie and fall in love and live happily ever after.”
He’s certainly thinking it though.
A sigh of joy from Stede. “I’m very into that.”
Ed squeezes Stede’s hands and he can’t help it, he hops a little. “Yeah?”
“Yes!” Stede is beaming at Ed.
“Sweet! I just gotta—it’s gonna be like a half hour or something, I gotta be around to close the front desk and make sure the assistant keeper is in and shit, but you can look around here for a little bit and then—you can meet me in the parking lot maybe? I should be the only motorcycle in the lot. And I’ll be out as soon after 6 as I can.”
Stede runs reassuring thumbs over Ed’s hands. “Don’t rush on my account! Make sure everything is all set, I don’t need to hear about a break-in or a squid starving because you bolted out of here. I’ll be fine.”
Ed bounces a little on his heels, the realization that this is happening sinking in.
“Okay, okay, cool. That’s cool. I’ll—I’ve gotta start counting down the drawer and stuff, but I’ll see you out there.”
A knowing smile from Stede. “I’ll see you out there.”
“Great. Great.”
He holds Stede’s hands for a few seconds, and then just before letting go, leans forward and kisses his cheek softly, pulling back with an intense blush and a small laugh, Stede looking totally surprised and bashful.
“Right. Um. See you later.” He lets go of Stede’s hands and practically skips to the back room, leaving Stede with a chest full of butterflies and a smile so wide it kind of hurts.
Stede spends most of his time in the aquarium looking at the squids and other cephalopods.
After all, they’re what brought him and Ed together.