Archive of Our Own

The good news was Wylan always slept well with the help of Jesper curled around him in his twin sized bed. The bad news was when Wylan woke up the next morning he was completely swallowed up by his anxiety and dug through his closet freaking out about what he was supposed to wear to the cafe. What sort of outfit said he was secure in his relationship and wasn’t at all threatened by Kuwei? 

Wylan would have loved it if Kuwei was some random stranger he’d never heard of but he knew him, everybody knew Kuwei. He was a prodigy, and his late father had funded the recent upgrades the science building underwent before Kuwei even graduated high school. Kuwei had been Wylan’s lab partner last semester and he was incredibly smart, and they clicked immediately because they spoke the same language, science. They challenged each other. 

It did not help Wylan’s self-esteem that an incredibly diligent and handsome person was eyeing his boyfriend. Wylan was on his knees sorting through every piece of clothing he owned, which wasn’t much, his father had thrown out everything that didn’t fit in a cardboard box. What was somebody supposed to wear to confront someone flirting with their boyfriend? 

Was Wylan supposed to wear something tight and revealing? It was 7am and he was going to a cafe. Was he supposed to wear a sweater? He didn’t feel very intimidating in a sweater. Wylan threw on one of Jesper’s band tees, getting to his feet and sighing, rubbing at his face tiredly.

Before Wylan could start falling into genuine distress that he didn’t know what he was doing, arms wrapped tightly around his waist and pulled him close. Jesper, fresh out of the shower, gently nuzzled Wylan’s neck and looked up at them in the mirror.

“Why’re we nervous?” Jesper hummed, giving Wylan’s hip a soft, reassuring pat, and Wylan dropped his hands from his face so he could hold Jesper’s arms softly.

“I’m not…” Wylan didn’t convince himself or Jesper, he was physically shaking and his voice cracked. He was nervous all the time but today especially, his stomach was churning, he might cry.

“Don’t like your outfit? I love the boyfriend shirt, no pants thing, very fashionable.” Jesper did what he always did, tried to cheer Wylan up as fast as he could. He tilted his head so he could press a noisy kiss to his cheek. “Wanna do some affirmations? Want some outfit advice? What’ll make you feel better, baby?” 

“It’s not an outfit, it's me wearing your shirt, I thought maybe it’d calm me down.” Wylan took a deep breath, looking at Jesper in the mirror because at least his face calmed him down. His face turned to look at Wylan carefully, eyes flickering over Wylan’s downcast expression and wondering how to make it brighten. “If you have something prepared I’d love to hear both…”

“Me? Prepared? Yeah, totally.” Jesper cleared his throat because now he had to have fashion advice and affirmations ready. “The advice is to tuck the shirt into those little embroidered jeans you have and if you want you can put some butterflies in your hair.”

“You fucking love the butterflies.” Wylan flushed bright red, he thought he’d seen all of Jesper’s expressions until he laid eyes on the tiny butterfly shaped clips Nina had scattered around his curls. Jesper looked at Wylan like he couldn’t believe he was real. 

“Cause I fuckin’ love you,” Jesper pressed his cheek against Wylan’s curls, the first thing he tamed when he woke up this morning. “Your affirmations for today are, I’m kind and intelligent and capable and bring joy to those around me and…” He trailed off and so did his hands, slipping from his hips to his thighs and Wylan huffed loudly, extremely aware that Matthias was passed out on the other side of the room. “Look so hot in my boyfriend’s clothes.”

“I’m not repeating that,” Wylan spun around in Jesper’s grasp because maybe he wanted his hands behind him instead. “Also Matty’s right there, you gotta behave.”

“He’s literally snoring so loud.” Jesper countered, giving Wylan an appreciative squeeze before pulling away and going to find Wylan’s butterfly hair clips. “So just hypothetically, if he wasn’t here…?” He smirked because Wylan rolled his eyes but his red ears gave him away, he could pretend to be exasperated all he wanted. 

“Then I wouldn’t be in my boyfriend’s clothes.” Wylan wanted to level the playing field and he knew he’d done it when Jesper’s knee slammed into the dresser. There was a beat of silence where Jesper sucked in his breath both because it hurt and he was now thinking about it.

“I’m going to make sure he never wakes up.” Jesper mumbled, eyeing Matthias who was peacefully resting since he didn’t have class for another two hours. He returned to Wylan’s side to see he’d put pants on and tucked Jesper’s shirt into them. “I got the purple ones.”

Wylan was going to pretend that he wasn’t absolutely thrilled that Jesper would kill a man so they could sleep together, but Jesper had that effect on him. Maybe it had to do with Wylan being unwanted all his life and then meeting someone who wanted him so badly.

“I trust your vision.” Wylan tilted his head towards his lover and Jesper bit back a grin, they both knew Jesper just liked playing with Wylan’s hair. He managed to keep the fiddling and twirling to a minimum as they did have somewhere to be and they did have class afterwards.

Then Jesper got ready, having to be told by a dressed-up Wylan that he was still very much walking around in a towel. It took him longer to get ready than usual, not because he had a particularly challenging routine, just that Wylan was swiping glitter over his eyelids and Jesper liked to watch. He was shooed a few times, because Wylan had to or Jesper wouldn’t get dressed at all.

…

Wylan was having such a good morning with Jesper that he forgot that it would end the moment he stepped foot into the cafe. That meeting up with Kaz outside of the dorms would mean Wylan was really going to have to confront someone. 

Jesper peeked over at Wylan every time his grip on his hand tightened, which happened whenever Wylan was conscious of how close they were to the cafe. He didn’t

know what he thought was going to happen, and that was most of the problem. Wylan just didn’t know and it was the most stressful state of being.

“How’d you sleep, Kaz?” Jesper pulled Wylan closer towards him as he looked over at his roommate who would have had the room to himself last night, he couldn’t tell if Kaz actually looked happier because of his absence. 

“Fine.” Kaz looked past Jesper at Wylan, who was not fine, but staring off at nothing in particular. “I don’t want to hear about how much sleeping you did or didn’t do.” 

“When have I ever told you about that?” Jesper scoffed, he swore sometimes Kaz picked fights that weren’t even there. He just wanted to fight, and he knew Jesper was going to take the bait. “You’re paying for your own coffee.” 

“I got it.” Wylan’s free hand shot out to grab Jesper’s arm and Jesper looked down at him to see his shaky eyes. He was trying really hard to be okay but it was getting way more difficult since they were just down the street from the cafe. “It’s fine.” He didn’t know if he was talking about covering coffee or being in the same room as Kuwei but Jesper leaned over to give him a kiss for being brave anyways.

“I’m not saying no to free coffee.” Kaz maybe should feel a little bad that Wylan was teetering on the edge of an anxiety attack and still offering to fund his caffeine addiction but in the end it’d make Wylan feel better. He got the sense Wylan wanted a little bit of control, that Wylan just wanted to be able to do something. “Just say the word, Hendriks.”

Wylan swallowed the lump in his throat, did he just get the okay to unleash Kaz Brekker on the guy who had been flirting with his boyfriend? Did Wylan want to do that? Kaz was a good friend but he was an even greater enemy. Wylan pushed away any thoughts of this newfound power going to his head, instead standing taller and smiling when Jesper held the door open for him.

This was it, and he wasn’t alone, he actually couldn’t remember the last time he’d been by himself. He had Jesper and Kaz beside him, Jesper was enough to ground him but the combination of the two gave him some weird twisted courage. 

The bell chimed above their heads, Wylan tiptoed into the cafe and casually scanned the counter for any sign of his old lab partner. And he was there, handing a latte to a girl and complimenting her nails before returning to the cash register. Wylan could vaguely hear Kaz and Jesper bickering about how Jesper didn’t need to hold the door for him and Jesper saying the alternative was letting him get smacked by the door. 

Kuwei eyed the group, perked up at the sight of Wylan who he hadn’t seen since last semester and happily beckoned him over. Okay. He was happy to see him. Wylan could have frozen in his spot when Jesper’s hand found his waist and made a show of stroking his side, he managed to get to the counter as casually as possible.

“Wylan, oh my God, how’re you?” Kuwei gave a smile directly solely at Wylan, didn’t bother looking at Jesper making sure it was obvious he had a boyfriend or Kaz hovering near a table with watchful eyes. “Those jeans are so cute, I haven't seen you since the final.” 

Wylan opened his mouth and then closed it and then stared at Kuwei’s hair. Everybody seemed to leave out the part that he’d dyed his hair red. What a way to find out. He offered a little smile, feeling vaguely disconnected from the conversation and twisted his fingers in Jesper’s jacket so nobody but Kaz could see. 

“I’m good, how’re you? How’d you do on the exam?” Wylan didn’t know what else to talk about, so he’d talk about chemistry, at least he liked that. He wasn’t sure if he liked Kuwei so much but at this moment he was being completely normal. Absurdly normal. “Thank you so much, I thrifted them, Nina helped.” Wylan got the sense that they were ugly jeans and Kuwei was making fun of him, but Kuwei did a great job at looking genuine, must be the good looks.

“I’m so good,” Kuwei didn’t even seem interested in taking their order, just catching up with Wylan, who he had been looking at the entire time. “Like 97% or something? She’s such a tough grader. I wish Nina and I had more shifts together, she’s the best.” He sighed dreamily and then looked down at his screen. “I guess I should do my job, so a medium black butter pecan coffee,” Kuwei finally looked at somebody other than Wylan, and Kaz met his gaze with narrowed eyes.

Wylan felt faint and he wasn’t completely sure why. He’d thought he’d show up to the cafe and start screaming at Kuwei or have to pull him off of Jesper and he was just talking to him like a normal person. Jesper softly tucked Wylan into his side in a small reassuring hug and Wylan lightly snuggled into him, taking a shaky breath. Everything was confusing and unbelievable and Jesper was so warm and so considerate and so right. 

Kuwei didn’t even seem bothered at the way the two casually clung to each other for comfort. Wylan felt like he wasn’t supposed to be here, like he was doing something wrong. Jesper pressed a kiss to his hair and Wylan stared at Kuwei but he didn’t seem to care. Why didn’t he care? Wylan cared so damn much. Now he felt ridiculous, like he was wasting his time proving something to someone who already knew.

“I’ll just have a medium iced oat milk honey latte,” Wylan was getting a little sick of being brave but he couldn’t let Jesper do the talking, not right now. If he wasn’t able to take Kuwei not talking to Jesper there’s no way he could take Kuwei talking to him. As if sensing the waves of insecurity and unsureness rising in his boyfriend, Jesper leaned down and whispered his order in Wylan’s ear. “He’ll have a medium iced mocha, and we’ll share a toffee cookie, please.”

Kuwei remained unbothered and it bothered Wylan. He watched his former lab partner write Wylan’s name on all their cups and smile at Wylan as he paid as he talked about the weather and he didn’t acknowledge Jesper’s existence even once. Why did Wylan feel so annoyed that Kuwei was doing just what he wanted him to do? He didn’t want Kuwei to look at his man but now he was irritated that he wasn’t looking at him. Did he want to rub it in his face? Did he want him to be jealous?

Jesper twirled a piece of Wylan’s hair around his finger as they waited around for their drinks, checking on his boyfriend who had furrowed eyebrows and a soft frown. He knew he was thinking too hard, he wanted to be let in and talked to. But Jesper knew the cafe the problem worked at wasn’t the place to do it. Wylan leaned into Jesper’s touch, he could see him looking at him, and he knew he was concerned. 

“It was so good to see you again,” Kuwei pushed the drinks toward Wylan and Wylan handed them out carefully, catching Kaz’s gaze and wondered what it was so intense for. “We should totally hang out soon, I’ll text you.” He gave Wylan a shining smile and gave him his cookie, and that was the end of the interaction.

Wylan let himself be led outside of the cafe, Jesper’s strong and comforting arm wrapped around him. He didn’t really process much of anything before they were standing in the center of the path where it branched out and they’d have to go separate ways. 

Jesper’s hand pressed against Wylan’s cheek and Wylan snapped out of his little spiral and looked up into bright grey eyes. At least Jesper was happy, Wylan smiled at the thought, and then smiled wider when Jesper leaned down to kiss him.

“You did such a good job, baby,” Jesper murmured, proud that Wylan had done something scary and it all turned out okay. But Wylan still felt unsatisfied, he still felt like a giant liar. “He didn’t even look at me, I think you scared him off.” 

“Maybe I did,” Wylan sighed lightly as he leaned in for another kiss because Jesper’s lips on his always made him feel better, maybe he could just convince himself this was fine by kissing him forever. “Thanks honey, you really give me a lot of credit.”

“You deserve the credit.” Jesper kissed Wylan’s jawline quickly and then touched all the butterfly clips in his hair one last time. “I gotta go to class but I’ll see you later, love you baby.”

“Love you.” Wylan held onto Jesper’s jacket until he had no choice to let go, he was given a kiss on the cheek and watched Kaz softly knock knuckles with him before turning on his heel to leave. Wylan stood with Kaz for a beat then opened his mouth to say goodbye when Kaz’s almost black eyes stared right through him and he awkwardly cleared his throat.

“Hendriks, walk with me.” Kaz wasn’t giving him a choice, it was more of an order, and Wylan hadn’t been expecting it so he followed Kaz down the path. It’s not like he had class to get to, he still had time to kill and had only woken up to make sure Kuwei didn’t steal Jesper over his morning dose of caffeine. “We’re going back and you’re going to finish this.”

“What? I’m fine.” Wylan was trying to convince both of them and Kaz wasn’t easily swayed. “It’s fine, whatever, nothing happened.” He mumbled, because now he just felt crazy about the whole thing. Maybe Wylan was some jealous freak of nature who thought somebody being nice to his boyfriend meant they wanted to take him away. Maybe Wylan was used to having nothing that now he had the most special connection in his life he was overprotective of it.

“You’re not fine, you’re freaking out.” Kaz nodded towards Wylan’s hands which had been shaking the entire way to the cafe and while he was talking and now even though they’d left. Wylan didn’t even realize he was shaking so hard, maybe if he didn’t acknowledge it, it would just go away. Yeah, no, Wylan was shaking like a leaf. “If you don’t get back here after your lab, I’m gonna go in there and I’m gonna finish it.”

What did that even mean? Kaz Brekker was going to kill him in broad daylight? Was it normal to feel reassured by this? Wylan couldn’t tell if it was a sign of good mental health or poor mental health that he felt better knowing Kaz would be ready to end somebody on behalf of him. Their eyes met again and they had a silent agreement, automatically understood by the way their mouths pressed into flat lines. Whatever happened, they probably shouldn’t tell Jesper about it, at least not yet. It wasn’t Jesper’s fault at all, but his presence definitely wouldn’t help. 

…

Wylan knew he was a good student and he knew he was even better in labs, yet here he was zoning out and forgetting basic chemical compounds and getting strange looks from his classmates. Everybody knew he was the top of the class and everybody asked him when they needed help or a refresher, but he was completely out of it. He was supposed to be here for hours, but his professor pulled him aside and asked if he was alright. 

At first Wylan was absolutely humiliated, that somebody he looked up to could tell he was having a rough time but thank God for therapy. He’d been learning that it wasn’t a sign of weakness to be visibly not okay, and that accepting help didn’t mean he wasn’t independent or strong enough to do things alone. He had to take a step back, he could hurt himself or his classmates or his grades. 

University had granted Wylan a plethora of professors that absolutely adored Wylan, professors that loved to pick his brain and brightened at the sight of him showing up at their office with quandaries and new theories. So when Wylan’s professor suggested he leave class early and get some rest, he took it knowing it wasn’t pity or charity, this was somebody who knew he was a genius but had something else on his mind. 

It was strange to have adults in his life that didn’t punish him, sometimes Wylan wondered if he was screwing himself by developing a false sense of security, but it was just security. Wylan was just learning what it felt like to be safe and it was too good to be true, sometimes he couldn’t believe it was real life. He’d brought that up in therapy, and it did hurt to therapize every thought he had and everything he went through, but it helped. 

As he was wrestling with feeling defeated for leaving class or proud of himself for taking somebody’s advice and believing they genuinely cared for him, he remembered he was supposed to go back to the damn cafe. Wylan had to stop to get a drink of water or he was confident he’d throw up. Sure he had a million things he wanted to say to Kuwei but this was his friend, somebody he thought was his friend at least. 

Wylan had been so lucky in the realm of friends, Jesper had been his best friend and Jesper’s track and field team were all so nice to Wylan too. Then he’d met Nina and Inej and they were so accepting and welcoming that they skipped all smalltalk and felt like they’d been friends since birth. It had been harder to get through to Matthias, but he clearly would do anything for Wylan, including but not limited to being covered in his vomit and not once complaining. Even Kaz Brekker, who insisted he didn’t like any of them but was accompanying Wylan to confront Kuwei so he could get closure. 

He had never been bullied or taken advantage of or doublecrossed, and here was his old lab partner trying to fuck his boyfriend. Wylan stared at himself in the window of a dark, empty classroom and tried to remember who he was. He was kind, he was intelligent, he was capable, he brought joy to those around him. With a deep breath, he reached into his pocket and texted Kaz that he’d meet him there. 

…

They didn’t even say anything when they met back up, Kaz pushed himself off of the wall he was leaning against and fell into step with Wylan. There wasn’t really anything to say, Wylan was rehearsing everything he wanted to say and didn’t have the brain power to speak to Kaz on top of that. Kaz wasn’t expecting to talk, his eyes did a lot of the talking for him. When he pulled the door open for Wylan he knew this was it, he had to be the bravest he’d ever been and just ask all his burning questions. 

“Oh hey, welcome back,” Kuwei looked like he wasn’t expecting Wylan and Kaz back after a few hours but Wylan didn’t trust him in the slightest and thought he was walking right into his trap. Kuwei was a better actor than Wylan, or maybe he didn’t feel any guilt or shame, Wylan wondered what that was like, sometimes he felt like he was all shame. “Here for more coffee?” 

“Did I do something to make you hate me?” Wylan didn’t have this question in his script but it seemed like the most important one to ask when he got to the counter and stared at Kuwei. He needed to know why his friend wasn’t being a good friend, he needed to know if he deserved this. Wylan had spent his entire childhood justifying his father abusing him and it was a hard habit to kick. 

“What do you mean? I love you,” Kuwei blinked a few times, glancing over Wylan who was desperate and out of breath. He loved him? Wylan knew what love felt like and it wasn’t this.

It was Jesper letting him into his family, it was Nina inviting Wylan into her friend group the second they met, it was Inej trusting him to touch her when she saw it comforted him, it was Matthias being so kind it made him quiet and it was Kaz standing behind him to make sure he got what he needed. 

“You love me?” Wylan echoed in pure disbelief, there’s no way somebody could claim to love him and do something like this to him. Kaz perked up at the coldness in Wylan’s voice, he was half here to support him and half here to see the show. “Then why are you actively trying to take my boyfriend from me?” 

Kuwei’s lips pursed, not because he was surprised but because he had been waiting for somebody to call him out and was thoroughly amused it was Wylan Hendriks. Not Jesper or Kaz, who had witnessed the onslaught of flirting everyday but Wylan who hadn’t even been here to see it in person.

“Oh, Wy, that has nothing to do with you.” Kuwei laughed like this was supposed to be funny and Wylan raised an eyebrow as his lab partner relaxed against the counter. “Nothing against you, nothing like that. He’s just really hot and I want him, that’s it. No revenge, no rivalry, just a hot guy.” 

“It does have something to do with me, that’s my boyfriend.” Wylan didn’t know if he was angrier that Jesper was being objectified or if he wasn’t considered a part of the equation. He was so used to being connected with Jesper like when somebody said Jesper he expected his name to follow or vice versa. Kuwei viewed them as two completely separate people with absolutely no connection to each other and it pissed Wylan off, and of course he was shit at hiding it. “Just a hot guy? So you don’t know anything else about him?”

Kaz kind of wanted to pull up a chair, instead he leaned against a nearby table and began stretching out his leg. If Wylan of all people was going to start screaming at somebody he’d want a front row seat. Wylan might have forgotten Kaz was there, he probably didn’t even need backup, he clearly could tear Kuwei to shreds if he really wanted to.

“Hm, that feels so like, the opposite of empowering.” Kuwei sighed out, because now was the time to have a nuanced conversation about relationships and how partners should view each other. “Like, I kinda think being stuck with one person forever is kind of…boring and he’s probably kinda curious about other people. I know I am when I’m dating someone, it’s not really cheating if you just open it up.” 

“That’s you.” Wylan didn’t recognize the sound of his own voice, he was grumbling out words with such ferocity that if he heard it back he wouldn’t know who they came from. “It is cheating, if you did something with my boyfriend it is cheating. Because this isn’t your relationship, or your fantasy, it’s my life. It’s my future, are you serious?” He was at his wit’s end, how could a friend seriously think that him being with Jesper until he died was boring and not empowering? Wylan felt the most empowered he’d ever fucking been with him by his side.

“I am serious, I figured we wouldn’t see eye to eye,” Kuwei softly scratched at his head like they were having a disagreement on where to eat lunch and not about whether or not he’s allowed to sleep with Wylan’s boyfriend. “So is this like a trust issue thing?” 

“Yeah, as in I don’t trust you to not get with my boyfriend?” Wylan scoffed and Kaz was very proud, he could be seen nodding in agreement, but it was a very small one. “I’m just telling you to stop, I really don’t appreciate it, I thought we were friends.”

“Aw, we are friends,” Kuwei trailed off because he truly did like Wylan and thought he was a great person, but to him Jesper’s charisma and good looks were a little bit more important to him. “And if I say I can do whatever I want?” He just didn’t feel like stopping, and Wylan inhaled sharply.

“I’ll make sure nobody will remember you.” Wylan didn’t really know where that came from but he meant it when he said it. He looked over his shoulder at Kaz to see if he could confirm he said it out loud, and his usually furrowed eyebrows had raised in surprise that Wylan had it in him. 

“Is there a problem?” Naturally a manager had walked out of the backroom and seen the tension between his employee and the customers and checked in on the situation. 

“No, sorry.” Wylan was apologizing to the manager and not to Kuwei, he wouldn’t apologize to him until he begged for forgiveness, even then he’d just consider it. He turned to leave the cafe and Kaz was already pushing the door open, he might be thinking harder than Wylan right now. 

He left the cafe and felt awful and fantastic and completely disconnected from himself. Wylan didn’t know who that was but he’d felt so angry he had to do something about it. He had to threaten the person who wanted to disturb his peace, he had to keep all the good things in his life safe. He sort of felt like he was somebody else yet so hauntingly familiar. 

Wylan didn’t feel like himself, he felt like a poorly put together version of himself but angry, so angry. He felt like who raised him. A hot flash of discomfort and panic shot through his stomach and up into his throat. The voice coming out of his mouth was his father’s, the words he chose to speak were his father’s, the gnawing feeling that he needed to physically hurt somebody that loved him was his father’s. 

He’d barely followed Kaz around the side of the cafe when he got lightheaded and couldn’t get an inhale all the way in. The panic always made him dizzy when it was bad, he thought he might throw up but this time on Kaz Brekker. Kaz would not be as forgiving as Matthias. Wylan, scared, shaking, and about to start sobbing, reached out blindly. 

Wylan’s hand scrambled to grab onto anything, fingers tightening around Kaz’s bare wrist. He didn’t expect Kaz to pull him into a hug like Jesper might but Wylan just needed somebody to touch him right now, he needed to feel he wasn’t alone and he wasn’t hurting.

“Wylan, you can’t,” Kaz's eyes fluttered as Wylan’s hand wrapped around his wrist. It was an innocent touch, a touch from somebody who needed support, but it didn’t matter. “I can’t.” He choked out, all his strength leaving him. 

He’d just touched Kaz, and the noise Kaz made was so frightening that Wylan was shocked right out of his panic attack. He’d jolted away from a Kaz that crumpled completely to the ground, blue eyes wide and mouth parted in a loud gasp.

“Kaz? Oh my God? What’s happening?” Wylan waved his hands around in desperation that came from only knowing how to comfort someone with physical touch and having somebody heave on the ground from a touch on the wrist. He wasn’t actively having a panic attack anymore but he was still panicking, tears in his eyes as he followed Kaz to the ground with a soft thump, his knees would bruise. “I d-didn’t know, I thought you just didn’t like it, I didn’t know you couldn’t. I didn’t mean to.” 

Of course Kaz knew Wylan Hendriks wouldn’t have done something to hurt him on purpose, but he didn’t have the words for him. He’d be forgiven promptly but for now he was beading with sweat and choking on unpleasant memories. 

“Breathing? Do we do breathing exercises? I feel like you’re going to lose your shit if I start talking you through breathing exercises,” Wylan went to touch Kaz on the chest and then pulled his hands away and huffed in frustration. He shoved his hands under his knees and exhaled loudly, he wouldn’t touch him. “Can you close your eyes? Limit some stimuli?” 

“Shut the fuck up,” Kaz grumbled, not because he didn’t appreciate it but because Wylan became particularly Jesper-like when he was panicking. These people loved to talk at Kaz at alarming speeds and it irritated him in the fondest of ways. He inhaled loudly and Wylan perked up, scooting back when Kaz screwed his eyes shut. “You sound like a textbook.”

“Thank you,” Wylan whispered because to him it sounded like a compliment, it sounded like he was very smart and reliable. Kaz’s lips twitched into a small smirk and Wylan would have clapped excitedly if he wasn’t squishing his hands into the pavement under him. “Do you want me to tell you you’re okay? That you’re safe now with me?” 

Kaz didn’t really care if Wylan said it or not, it was nice of him to try, and it was a good reminder. He brought a hand up to his face and swiped sweat away from his forehead, exhaling after holding it for a few seconds. If Wylan noticed Kaz shaking harder than he had been earlier he wouldn’t ever say a thing about it. Kaz knew that he was okay and he was safe and particularly safe with Wylan, who would sooner hurt himself than somebody he cared for. 

Wylan and Kaz sat in silence for a few minutes as they breathed together. They took extra time to make sure neither of them would fall back into a panic attack but at the end of it all they did feel a little dumb about it. That Wylan’s panic attack had accidentally set off Kaz’s panic attack, thus canceling out the initial panic attack. 

“That’s the last time I offer to do something nice for someone.” Kaz rose to his feet and dusted himself off, he fell weird on his knee of all things. Wylan scrambled to stand up straight, rubbing at his sore legs and then at his hands he’d numbed by sitting on. “Have you ever seen a dead body, Wylan?”

“Um, I guess, when my mom died.” Wylan watched Kaz walk right out of the alley they’d been sitting in for the past twenty minutes and he followed cautiously. 

“Let me rephrase,” Kaz cleared his throat because he didn’t mean it like that, this was his attempt at opening up, it was as morbid as his mind was at all times. “Have you ever found a dead body?”

“Oh, then no.” Wylan didn’t really know anything about Kaz past what Jesper told him or what he heard around campus, but his actions said way more than his words did. He’s never talked about something like this with Wylan, he felt like he had to be on his best behavior. 

“Have you ever had a dead body on you?” This was Kaz’s last question and Wylan wasn’t going to ask a follow up. He got the idea, he could put it together. Wylan swallowed the lump in his throat and shook his head, a small sigh leaving without his permission. “I’ll drop you off to class, I have a lecture to get to.” 

“Really? I mean, you’re going to class?” Wylan didn’t know what he expected, maybe that Kaz had to take time to recuperate and get some rest before launching him back into academics. But then again Wylan was doing the same thing, even if he didn’t have a reaction as severe as Kaz today, he still went through a significant amount of distress. “Do you want me to drop you off instead?”

“No, not really,” Kaz wasn’t the type of guy that was dropped off places, he liked being alone too much, and he liked knowing all his things were where he put them. “I’m not some fragile little weakling.” He mumbled and Wylan frowned, holding his own hand against his stomach as they walked.

“Is that what you think of me?” Wylan wasn’t accusing Kaz of anything, he was just curious. Maybe he was a weak little thing that needed to be walked everywhere and kept a close eye on incase he broke. 

“I think you’re probably one of the strongest, if not the strongest person I’ve ever met.” Kaz admitted with such surety and sincerity that it completely stumped Wylan. What was he supposed to say to that? He knows he has endured so much and was somehow still functioning, still living, still refusing to give up, but to hear Kaz of all people acknowledge it. Wylan felt all sorts of proud, he laughed under his breath and shrugged. 

“Well, I’ve never touched a dead body.” Wylan whispered before he could stop himself and Kaz’s dark eyes flickered over to look at him without turning his head. He went to apologize but Kaz snickered before he could get anything out.

“That’s why I said one of the strongest, come talk to me when you feel cold bloated flesh.” Kaz hummed out, for the sake of creating this dark humored bond with Wylan and Wylan felt special in a strange concerning way. What a hell of a way to belong.

“Sure, that’s fair, but has your dad ever-” Wylan trailed off because maybe it was a little too soon to talk about the specifics of his father’s violence. “Actually, I can’t say anything unless you want to hold my hand or get me in a bearhug. 

“Absolutely not.” Kaz snorted, he couldn’t even fathom touching hands with Wylan let alone scooping him up into a suffocating hug. “The conversation ends here.” 

And it did but Wylan felt much better about everything, generally speaking. He’d gotten some closure from Kuwei at least, and he’d gotten closer to Kaz. This was one of the most fucked up mornings Wylan had ever had, and he expected it to carry on into afternoon and evening, because next up came debriefing with Jesper.

Who had absolutely no idea Wylan and Kaz had gone back to the cafe without him and then had twin panic attacks behind the cafe. At least Wylan had a few more hours to rehearse these lines, he’d need a longer script. 

…

Wylan found himself back in his room, the sun had set and Jesper helped him throw all the blankets and pillows onto the floor so they could lay down on top of them. Jesper still chose to use Wylan as a pillow, more specifically his backside, and Wylan was laying on his stomach drawing in his sketchbook.

Jesper squinted at the novel he was attempting to read for class, trying to figure out what certain words meant simply by using the context since he couldn’t be bothered to search it up. Wylan was in fact being crushed under the weight of hiding things from his boyfriend, so all of his sketches looked off to him.

He tapped his pencil against paper for a few seconds as he gathered up the courage to tell Jesper all about today. How was he supposed to start the conversation? Did he need to apologize for leaving him out of a big moment? The big moment being threatening somebody who wanted Jesper after Wylan said no? 

“I had a panic attack today.” Wylan let the words tumble out of his mouth and he couldn’t push them back in. This was an okay place to start, he hoped Jesper didn’t want him to explain it. Maybe Jesper would be so kind he didn’t want to bring up any negative feelings Wylan might associate with the time and just comfort him instead.

“What? You did, baby?” Jesper ditched the book, abandoning it halfopen on a corner of the blanket nest and getting both his hands on Wylan’s upper back to soothe him as if the panic attack was happening right now. “You okay? You didn’t get hurt, did you?” 

No, not really, he’d have to explain the bruised knees though. That wasn’t technically his panic attack, that was Kaz’s. Wylan didn’t know what to say. If Kaz shared something so intimate and private with him it was because he trusted him, because he was connecting with him. If Jesper didn’t know, it was because Kaz made sure he didn’t. It was purposeful. 

“It was really small, really tiny.” Wylan wasn’t lying, he was pushed into and pulled out of the panic attack within minutes. He didn’t need a suffocating hug or anything, he snapped out of it when somebody needed him more than he needed them. “I’m okay, I just wanted to tell you…” 

“Thank you for telling me, I’m really sorry I couldn’t be there.” Jesper frowned as he rolled onto his knees beside Wylan and leaned down so he could kiss his temple. “Do you wanna talk about it?” 

“Uh, no, I’m okay, thank you.” Wylan turned his head so he could press a kiss to Jesper’s lips. He smiled when Jesper cupped his face lightly, he felt so much better but also so guilty at the same time. “Uh, also, uhm, do you ever think about…like does it bother you that you’re stuck with me? I guess what I’m asking is do you…feel bored of us dating?” 

Jesper went quiet which was never a good sign and Wylan rolled over so he was laying on his side. He stared at Jesper who was processing the enormous questions he’d been asked, and his eyes were doing that thing where they flickered around when he tried his best not to cry. Oh God, had Wylan just made his boyfriend cry? He reached over and touched Jesper’s hand and Jesper looked into Wylan’s eyes which were not rolling around anxiously and thought maybe he misinterpreted the question. 

“You’re not saying we should see other people right?” Jesper cleared his throat because now he felt kind of stupid for jumping to conclusions but he didn’t know how else to react. “I’m not bored and I’m not stuck with you, I love being with you and would choose it no matter what.”

“I was not saying that, it did sound like I was saying that, not the smartest thing I’ve ever done,” Wylan sat up quickly and pushed his sketchbook aside. His hands softly held Jesper’s face and he leaned in so their noses brushed. “I did not mean that. I just…heard something about being bored when you’re with one person.” 

“You heard it…?” Jesper just wanted to absolutely confirm that Wylan didn’t think up these things on his own, that these were not organic, natural Wylan thoughts. “You’re not boring, I’d never be bored with you. Are you kidding? You’re so fun.” 

“I don’t think it, I just heard it.” Wylan smoothed his thumbs over Jesper’s warm skin and gently kissed his nose when he noticed his eyelashes were the tiniest bit wet with tears. “I also think they meant…in a being intimate with several people at once way. That um, sleeping with one person forever bores them.”

“Who the hell are you talking to?” Jesper gave a big sniff and leaned into Wylan’s soft hands, he’d only ever wanted him, so it seemed like such a no-brainer that he’d never complain or get bored. “Are you asking me if I want to sleep with other people? I really, really don’t. Am I…bad in bed or something? That sounded so guilt-trippy, it’s cool if I am, actually well no, it’s not, but like I don’t know if you fake it, I’d kinda wanna know.” 

“Jes, my love,” Wylan softly squeezed his face and Jesper stopped rambling and pouted again. He was fully expecting to be let down easy. “I physically cannot fake it, darling. You got so nervous you forgot I don’t have the anatomy for that.”

“Oh shit, yeah.” Jesper slowly wrapped his arms around Wylan’s waist and then proceeded to gently tackle him into the blankets and pillows. Wylan sighed dreamily when he found himself underneath Jesper, who’d just rather have a difficult conversation cuddling so he could make sure they were still okay. “Call me boring then, cause I only wanna sleep with you forever.”

“I was just a little worried I was holding you back,” Wylan hadn’t really had enough time to seriously consider what he’d do if Jesper did want to sleep with other people, so he was thankful he so obviously didn’t. “Then I’m boring too, because you’re my first and my last and my only. I’m totally okay with that.”

“I’m okay with that too, more than okay. I’m fucking thrilled.” Jesper grabbed the nearest edge of the blanket and pulled it over both of them so they were neatly tucked in together. “May I request a little disclaimer before we talk about stuff like this? Cause I almost shit my pants, like fully shat.”

“Jesper.” Wylan choked on his laughter, he had nowhere to go since he was trapped between Jesper and the blanket so he just went forward into his chest. “Yeah, I’ll give disclaimers. I can’t believe you think I’d want somebody else, I have you. Me, Wylan Hendriks, have Jesper Fahey.” 

“I dunno what that means,” Jesper pushed his hands up Wylan’s shirt so he could touch his bare skin. “But it sounded good, so thank you, I think, I hope.” He rested his chin on top of Wylan’s head and Wylan smiled against his neck, softly snuggling into his warmth. 

“It means that you’re super cool, super handsome, and super sweet and I’m just little ole Wylan.” Wylan wrapped himself around Jesper as best as he could, melting when he could feel Jesper’s heart racing when their chests pressed together. 

“Nuh uh, you’re the cool, handsome and sweet one.” Jesper complained though he never really got used to Wylan complimenting him like this, it felt like such a dream for the boy he had a crush on to think so highly of him. “I love my little ole Wylan.” 

“I need to like crawl into your ribcage.” Wylan grumbled in frustration because he loved Jesper so much he wanted to be a part of him, he wanted to go everywhere with him. “I love you most.”

“Do you think you can fit between my ribs or do I need to get rid of a few? Renovate your house before you move in.” Jesper pulled Wylan even closer and Wylan had to move his head so he didn’t actually suffocate underneath the blankets and Jesper. Wylan giggled happily, he couldn’t believe he even thought to ask if Jesper wanted somebody other than him. 

Wylan was happy with Jesper and Jesper was happy with Wylan. It didn’t really matter if somebody wanted Jesper, because Jesper would sooner get rid of a few ribs so Wylan could live inside of him before even thinking of looking at another person. 

“Are we both thinking about me curled up in your ribcage like a harvest mouse in its nest?” Wylan asked quietly and Jesper absentmindedly traced every bone in Wylan’s spine as he listened to him.

“I’ll be so honest baby I don’t know what a harvest mouse is, all mice are the same to me. Not the Wylan mouse though, that one is very special.” Jesper laughed very loudly when Wylan rolled them over so he was on top of Jesper now, all flushed pink to his ears and grinning wildly. The mouse comment really made his heart skip a beat, something about Jesper just knowing exactly what to say and that he never had to be asked to match Wylan’s wavelength, he was already there.

“The ones I showed you sitting on grain and berries, the really little ones.” Wylan leaned down to kiss Jesper and Jesper’s hands flattened against his warm back so he could feel as many inches of his skin as possible. 

“Then I do know what that is,” Jesper murmured against Wylan’s mouth as they lazily kissed underneath the blankets they’d thrown to the ground earlier. “I’m sure we can make it happen, there’s nothing you can’t do.” 

The sound of the door swinging open and clicking shut had been completely lost on the two of them, giggling and rolling around and whispering nonsensical sweet nothings that were sensical only to them. 

“Oh, sorry, should I leave?” Matthias had barely gotten his music paused when he nearly tripped over the pile of blankets and his roommate and roommate’s boyfriend on the floor.

“Nah, we’re just smooching.” Jesper resurfaced from beneath the blankets and pulled the fabric back so Wylan could also join the conversation. “How was practice? Is lacrosse being lacrosse-y?” 

“Pretty lacrosse-y.” Matthias stepped around the two of them, and while he did so he bumped knuckles with Jesper who stuck his hand out as he walked by. “I think I’ll shower then take a nap.”

“Sounds good, but before you do,” Jesper softly took Wylan by the chin and Wylan let himself be moved side to side so Matthias could get a good look at his face. “Do you think Wylan would be a mouse?” 

“A mouse? What do you mean? Like a mouse boy?” Matthias let his backpack fall to the floor with a thump and looked at Wylan who was batting his eyes and being a good model. 

“What do you mean by mouse boy?” Wylan rested a hand around Jesper’s wrist, peeking down at him to see he was equally confused by the phrasing. 

“Y’know, like those cat girls.” Matthias pushed his bag towards his bed and then pulled his shirt over his head, the longer he stood around in his sweaty clothes the worse he was feeling.

“Oh my God, Wylan, he called you a mouse boy.” Jesper tilted his boyfriend’s head down and his own up so he could envision little ears popping out of his curly hair and Wylan blushed again. 

“He asked a clarifying question, he didn’t call me anything.” Wylan leaned down so he could reach Jesper’s hand and then gently bit his finger, and Jesper gasped, then spluttered.

“Mouse boy behavior, what do you think you’re doing? Matty, he just bit me.” Jesper retaliated by placing his hand on the back of Wylan’s head and pulling him down so he could bite his neck.

“I mean if you call your boyfriend a mouse, I think he’s allowed to bite you.” Matthias glanced over his shoulder as he sorted his shirt and socks into his laundry hamper. “Is it a cop-out to say you’re a dog?” 

“Yeah, it is.” Jesper stopped biting Wylan and then pressed an apologetic kiss on him instead in case it did hurt. “Some creativity and imagination please.”

“Then like…a dingo?” Matthias made it to the bathroom door because he was fully unbuttoning his pants now, he had to take a shower now or he’d die. 

“He called you a dingo.” Wylan followed Jesper and kissed where he bit his finger and Jesper sighed, as if he could be mad with Wylan in his arms when he was smiling like this. 

“I guess that’s creative.” Jesper listened for the shower to start running before he laid back down, pulling Wylan down with him so they could rest on each other. 

“Are we gonna take a nap?” Wylan supposed he’d been through enough emotional turmoil today and now he was finally ready to let his guard down and relax.

“I am, I dunno about you.” Jesper closed his eyes and pretended to snore, making Wylan giggle at how ridiculous he sounded. 

“Wanna get food with Matty later?” Wylan murmured as he snuggled down into position, very excited to sleep on the floor like they were camping or in kindergarten again. 

“Yeah, but you have to pretend I said that later, cause I’m sleeping right now." Jesper whispered, grabbing Wylan’s thigh and shoving it over his own leg so they were intertwined. Wylan grinned brightly, arms wrapping around Jesper’s neck lightly and fingers scratching comfortingly at his scalp. 

“I can pretend you told me in your dream.” Wylan whispered back and Jesper hummed tiredly in reply, he actually was about to be asleep any moment. It was a good thing Wylan brought up food now because Jesper was fully capable of sleeping until morning right here on the floor.

Wylan laid there on his own listening to the water running and Jesper’s steady heartbeat. He thought about all his worries and all his anxieties and how his future with Jesper was the complete opposite of that. Their future was such a comfort, something he was so sure was going to happen, and he was excited for it.

Maybe Wylan could try grounding himself by thinking about growing old with Jesper next time he needed it. It definitely didn’t calm him down, but made him squirm and smile so hard his cheeks hurt. Jesper was always going to be here, buried in his side thinking about how lucky he was to be with Wylan.

It didn’t matter what anybody else thought about him or his relationship, because nobody knew what was best for them but them. Wylan might have to dedicate him to learning this, but he was a great student so it wouldn’t take too long. 

He’d gladly study anything that involved Jesper clinging to him while he slept, tuckered out from class and track and field and the emotional whiplash of misunderstanding the love of his life. Wylan pressed a kiss to Jesper’s head and snuggled in to also get some shuteye.

He couldn’t believe he’d doubted the man he could fall asleep on the floor with, Wylan wished he wasn’t so easily influenced. He was so scared all the time, but not of Jesper, never of Jesper. Wylan went to think about sharing a meal with his boyfriend and roomate when Jesper genuinely started to snore. 

Wylan felt tired just thinking about how well his boyfriend was sleeping, he tucked himself against Jesper and closed his eyes. He wondered what Matthias would think when he came back into the room. Hopefully he thought Wylan and Jesper asleep on the floor was as charming as they did. They were at least on Wylan’s side of the room, which Matthias has never enforced or cared about, but it didn’t go unnoticed.  

Wylan never found out, safe and sound in Jesper’s arms he fell asleep the way he did whenever his boyfriend’s touch comforted him like this. He floated up into space with Jesper’s hands all over him, holding him tight so he didn’t stray too far into the stars. 

Anybody who thought him finding comfort, letting his guard down and being his genuine self, was boring, was not somebody Wylan wanted in his life. Sure the way he found out was unnerving and a little soul crushing, but it would’ve hurt worse if he kept him around for longer. 

He was Jesper’s forever and Jesper was his forever, and it was the most exciting thing in the entire universe.