Work Text:
Jungwoo was anxious. He was always, so consistently, anxious. Like one wrong move on his part would make him fall apart at the seams. He’s definitely had his ups and downs during his career before, but it was nothing compared to when he first debuted. Jungwoo was somewhat relieved of that fact, he hoped he’d never have to go through something like that again. He remembered; he remembered the time in his life when he felt like he was tipping off of the deep end of the steep cliff with no advanced warning.
💙
2018
Jungwoo was nervous. This would be the first performance of his career, and it had to be perfect. He knew this lineup was only temporary in the long run, but he needed this exact performance to be perfect. Good first impressions are critical for a good idol career, the mantra his company made him recite over and over rang in his head.
He sighed carefully, walking out behind everyone as his heart beat nervously in his chest. The audience cheered for the boys as they walked to the stage, but quickly died down when Jungwoo walked out. He sighed, trying to interact with the audience lightly as he smiled and waved at them. Most of them waved back, somewhat awkwardly. The other members interacted with their fans as well, waving and asking them if they ate or if they were having fun. Jungwoo took mental notes of his hyungs so he could apply them to his interactions with fans the next time he saw them.
Luckily, the performance went perfectly and their fans cheered for them loudly. He waved to the fans cheerfully, glad his anxiety diminished ever so slightly. As he walked off stage, he felt a feeling of extreme euphoria and excitement flowing through his veins, overjoyed at the possibilities of where his career would take him.
It didn’t take long for the high of performing and spending time with the fans to die down with Jungwoo. In fact, he could argue that he was fooling himself into believing that performing gave him the most euphoric feeling in his body ever. Jungwoo was starting to feel hollow. Anxious, but hollow. He didn’t even know if that made sense, so he chose not to focus on it too much. The pillars that held Jungwoo steady were slowly crumbling out from under him, he was so overwhelmed every minute of every day. How could people who didn’t even know him despise him with their whole core? Most of them had probably even never met Jungwoo, yet that wouldn’t stop them from slashing him with online comments.
2019
Jungwoo felt so incredibly empty most of the time, he barely went anywhere with the other members. He would either stay in his room or at the company, he seriously never went anywhere else unless it was for a schedule. He put on a mask and hid himself from the world, a defense mechanism that was starting to become easier to control to him. He guessed it was his own fault he ended up in this situation, it wasn’t like he ever talked to anyone about it. He just read, silently, into the late hour of the night, with his phone brightness dampened so his roommate wouldn’t see.
It, albeit surprisingly, didn’t take long for Jungwoo to spiral into a deep depression. But then again, when he thought about it, he had always been the most emotional of his friend’s and family, his empathy didn’t exactly help him in most situations either (specifically situations like this). Jungwoo had his bouts with depression before, between stress from college, to experiencing the stress of training. He never let it get too bad though, either letting it go and trying his best or overcoming it with sheer will power. Except his will power was running on low now, and he had a hard time letting this kind of thing go in general.
Most of the team immediately noticed how Jungwoo fell into a deep depression. They wanted to help, but they didn’t exactly know how. That didn’t mean they didn’t worry for the boy silently inside and outside of their schedules. They wondered what they could possibly do to show the boy their support, but they came up short because something like this had never happened before. Their original lineup hadn’t been changed in three whole years, so it was a struggle to learn to adjust to the changes around the dorm. Don’t get them wrong, they loved Jungwoo just as much as much as anyone else. They just hadn’t figured out their love languages with Jungwoo yet, but that was also okay because they had all the time in the world to figure that out.
At least, that’s what they thought anyway. In this current moment, they were all cursing at themselves for letting Jungwoo leave the dorm by himself after their schedule, saying he was going to go for a walk. They were all tired from their schedules that day, so they all just muttered various grunts of agreement and let Jungwoo leave by himself. When Taeyong received a text from Jungwoo about an hour later, he clambered off of their couch and spurred the others into action.
Jungwoo-yah <333 [11:13 pm]
Thank you for everything, Taeyong-hyung.
Taeyongie-hyungie 😄 [11:15 pm]
Where are you, Jungwoo-yah?
Jungwoo-yah <333 [11:17 pm]
Are you mad?
Taeyongie-hyungie 😄 [11:20 pm]
I’m not mad, just worried. It’s late, why don’t you come home?
Jungwoo-yah <333 [11:21 pm]
I’m not coming home again, hyung. I’m sorry.
Taeyongie-hyungie 😄 [11:23 pm]
What? What do you mean Jungwoo-yah? Where are you?
Taeyong noticed how his text was read by Jungwoo, but there was no response even after a couple of minutes. A bad feeling rose in his chest, so he decided to check if Jungwoo’s location was on his profile. He clambered off of their couch and turned the TV off, quickly walking to the members’ rooms to gather all of them to spur them into action. Taeyong’s bad feeling only grew in his chest when he realized Jungwoo didn’t set his location on his profile. They all quickly clambered out of their dorm, jackets on and panic flowing through their bodies.
They split up, looking in different directions of Seoul’s streets as they wondered where the boy could possibly be. Yuta, Taeyong, and Jaehyun went together, all running as fast as they could, trying to spot the boy’s figure. Finally, Taeyong managed to spot Jungwoo’s familiar figure, leaning against the railing of a bridge overlooking a flowing river. Tears welled up in his eyes unwillingly as he quickly ran to the boy, desperately pleading his legs to run faster. His heart beat faster in anticipation as he noticed the boy climbing over the ledge slowly. He held his arms out as everything fell between him and Jungwoo, the world falling silent as he ran as quickly as he could to reach the younger boy.
Finally, he collided with the boy gracefully and wrapped his arms around his small waist, pulling him back from the railing.
“Please don’t, Jungwoo-yah!!” Taeyong cried desperately, tears flowing down his face as he sat with the boy on the cold ground.
Jungwoo looked to the side, tears welling up as he felt Taeyong’s arms wrap tighter around his waist. His eyes widened as he noticed Yuta and Jaehyun with the same tearful expression on their faces. Tears flowed down Jungwoo’s cheeks silently as he turned back to the ledge.
“Please don’t leave us, Jungwoo-yah. I promise…we’ll be better. I know it’s hard but you don’t have to do this alone…we’re here for you. We’ll always be here for you, Jungwoo-yah.” Taeyong said against Jungwoo’s back emotionally, desperate tears still flowing out of his eyes.
Jungwoo closed his eyes as more tears slipped out from them, heart clenching in pain.
“Please…never leave us, Jungwoo-yah.” Yuta said painfully, softly grabbing the boy’s hand and rubbing it as a single tear flowed from his cheek.
“We love you, Jungwoo-yah. We truly do.” Jaehyun said as he crouched down to their level, putting his grounding hand on Jungwoo’s shoulder.
Jungwoo bit his bottom lip as more tears fell from his eyes.
“Come on, Jungwoo. Let’s go home.” Taeyong whispered, turning to face Jungwoo fully.
Jungwoo nodded silently, eyes still closed.
“Okay.” He whispered, standing up with the help of Taeyong and Yuta.
Taeyong soon called their team and manager back to let them know they found Jungwoo and he was okay. The three were the closest to the dorm compared to the rest, so they arrived first with Jungwoo before anyone else. They all silently sat around the living room, awkward silence filling the air as they all stared at the boy with red eyes and evident tear streaks down his face.
“Jungwoo-yah, can we talk?” Taeyong said emotionall, eyes just as wide and tears welling up in them once more. The boy reminded of himself too much as a trainee, just a fragile child who didn’t know what he was getting into.
“Are you disappointed in me?” The boy murmured, but just enough so the other boys could hear.
A chorus of no, of course not! Came simultaneously from the three boys, not easing Jungwoo’s nerves at all. Jungwoo held his head silently, tears welling up in his eyes again. Taeyong sighed and knelt to the ground, meeting Jungwoo’s eyeline.
“We would never be disappointed in you for something like this Jungwoo-yah. We just… want you to talk to us.” Taeyong said with an understanding expression, imploring Jungwoo to look him in the eyes. Jungwoo locked eyes with him sadly, tears welling up in them once more.
Jungwoo’s tensed body relaxed, and he let his tears flow freely out of his eyes. He could finally breathe. He could finally talk again. So, that’s what he did. He talked to them about this past year and how everything had been so extremely difficult for him. He wailed as he talked, feeling like a small child who scraped his knee and was being comforted by his mom. Taeyong didn’t let him go throughout their conversation, holding Jungwoo’s hand softly as he nodded silently, showing he was listening. Once Jungwoo was done, Taeyong talked to him some more. By this point, everyone was back home, and all of them formed a circle in their living room, listening to the boy with no signs of judgement. Taeyong talked to him about his experience with training and debuting, and the hardships that came to them even though they never asked for it. He told Jungwoo about his time in therapy, when things were really bad for Taeyong. He encouraged the boy to think about the idea of getting professional help, warming it up to him carefully. Jungwoo thought about it in the long term. It was obvious he had some serious mental health problems that not just his friends could fix, something only therapy could fix. After a while of thinking it over, he concluded Taeyong was right. He needed to go to therapy if he wanted to feel happy again.
💙
Therapy proved very useful for Jungwoo. In fact, after his first session with his therapist he was back to genuinely smiling at his teammates and responding to them cheerfully. The boys were extremely glad at the prospect, they only got a glimpse of that kind of Jungwoo when they were promoting for NCT 2018 in different units. Soon, Jungwoo was a valued presence in NCT 127 by the team and their fans.
Jungwoo quickly got into a groove with his schedules, and enjoyed most of them with his members. Even when things slowed down for NCT 127 as a unit, he still enjoyed it most of the time. The break was nice to Jungwoo, and he had stopped going to therapy in this point in his career so most of his days were free. Plus, their company was trying new stuff out with different units of members in NCT, so that was cool to Jungwoo as well.
When their company announced the DoJaeJung unit, Jungwoo was initially so excited. Finally, it would be his turn to make something amazing with, not one, but two of his beloved hyungs! Jungwoo was going to have so much fun with them. Not that he told anyone, but he considered Doyoung and Jaehyun his best friends in the group.
He was so excited. That was, until he read a few online comments. I’ll spare you the gory details, but for lack of a better word, I will say one thing. The comments were brutal. They spared no expense to Jungwoo’s mental health. It felt like Jungwoo was regressing back to that time once again. Even the lesser comments were still harsh.
Jungwoo doesn’t deserve his spot in DoJaeJung!
It should just be DoJae!
Let’s just pretend Jungwoo isn’t there haha!
Jungwoo heard how easy it was to relapse, especially into old habits of his. He really didn’t want to relapse into his self-destructive mindset, but it’s not like he had any say in the matter. All he could really do is sink into his mind and watch as the demons took over, wreaking havoc upon his mindset.
The preparations for their album were well underway, everyone was also doing well, enjoying the process as they were getting back into the swing of things. Well, everyone was doing well, except for Jungwoo. Sure, he was adjusting to getting back to their hectic schedules really well, better than the other most could argue. But the pillars that were holding the temple of Jungwoo up were starting to crumble, like an unsteady foundation. Jungwoo was collapsing in on himself. He didn’t tell anyone that, though, he just put on a mask and pretended like he was happy to work again.
It was easy for Jungwoo to find outlets to release his stress; it was easy because he’s done it before. He stared at the razor in his hands silently, before gazing at his right wrist. He rolled up his sleeve, his pale arm littered with past scars. He closed his eyes as he brought the razor closer to his skin. Finally, release. All of his worries were gone in a second. He tiredly looks over to his now bleeding right arm and silently looks back at the bathroom cabinet. He silently reaches out and grabs a roll of self adhesive bandages, wrapping it around the cuts with no disinfectant; he honestly couldn’t be bothered at this point, and it hurt more than when he cut. He rolled his sleeve back down on his arm and put the roll of bandages back in the cabinet. He silently stood up, turning off the shower he previously turned on to mask the sound of the blade ripping into his skin.
Not only did he regress back to his self-destructive ways, but he developed new things. Or, well, as he liked to think of it, things that he could control. There were lots of things Jungwoo couldn’t control in his life. His schedule, his hours, other people’s actions, other people’s perception of him, there were certainly plenty of things Jungwoo could not control. But, there was one thing he found. The one thing that he could control was his eating habits. How much he ate, when he ate, and everything in between. Jungwoo wouldn’t know if he’d exactly call it an eating disorder, more like a controlled way of spending his time.
Then again, maybe it was a disorder. Jungwoo really wasn’t sure at this point, he didn’t choose to think about it a lot. Plus, Jungwoo was a simple person; if he didn’t think about something, he didn’t engage in it. It was one of his flaws, most could argue, but Jungwoo didn’t see it as a problem because it was usually something that affected him and him alone. Since Jungwoo didn’t think about eating most of the time, he just didn’t eat. And that was fine for him. Jungwoo didn’t want fans to call him fat, so it was imperative he lose weight before their comeback was fully underway. Jungwoo really didn’t think there was a problem.
That didn’t mean his team didn’t think there was a problem though. The whole team knew something was wrong with Jungwoo, even if they barely saw him. They could tell by just looking at his face, cheeks starting to cave in and eyes tired from late nights and early mornings. Doyoung and Jaehyun were able to see it the most, they had the most schedules with him after all. They silently worried about the boy, sparing nervous glances between each other and holding Jungwoo’s hand whenever they had the chance to. They wanted to show the boy they supported him no matter what, but communication is hard, and they were all never truly taught how to communicate their feelings with another, just push it down. Finally, it all came to a head when they were in their dance practice and Jungwoo almost collapsed.
It was a regular day full of schedules, like every other day of the week for the three, early mornings and another late night to add to their resume. Jungwoo hadn’t eaten anything substantial that day, just a cracker or two. His body wasn’t moving like he wanted it to, he was starting to get annoyed. His movements were slowed, and his bangs stuck to his forehead as sweat elevated the dark bags under his eyes. Jungwoo was disconnected from his body. He didn’t feel anything anymore. His vision became spotty, black dots making his mind swarm. He breathed heavily, finally noticing the burning feeling in his lungs quickly taking over. His vision blurred, causing him to sway to wrong way during one of their dance moves.
The others did not fail to notice Jungwoo glaring daggers into his reflection in the mirror, they were all secretly worrying greatly for the boy, even their backup dancers and teacher. Their dance instructor called for a break, and Jungwoo took that as his cue to tear his eyes away from the mirror and walk slowly to his bag, grabbing his water bottle as he heavily breathed. He shakily grabbed his water bottle, silently pouring it down his throat with no sign of stopping. His vision hadn’t stopped swarming, and Jungwoo felt so tired. He whipped his head to the side upon seeing someone walking closer to him, his vision spinning harshly upon the action. He closed his eyes as he lost his footing, still breathing heavily as he collapsed into the nearest pair of arms, quickly falling unconscious.
He faintly heard a voice calling his name, desperate tone making Jungwoo’s heart wrench in pain.
Doyoung shook as he held an unconscious Jungwoo in his arms, ever so carefully, as if holding him any other way would cause him to break.
“Jungwoo-yah…hey….look at me. Hey, open your eyes, please Jungwoo. Open your eyes for me, yeah? Jungwoo-yah…hey, please.” His voice shook as he spoke, too flustered about this situation. He looked at Jaehyun with tears in his eyes, the other looking at his hyung worriedly.
Doyoung shakily put his hand on Jungwoo’s chest, heart sighing in relief upon realizing his heart was still beating, fast as ever.
“Call an ambulance, please! Jungwoo-yah…it’s gonna be okay. It’s gonna be okay, don’t worry Jungwoo-yah.”
🩵
The ambulance soon arrived at their company and whisked Jungwoo away, along with their manager. Their other staff took the liberty of sending Doyoung and Jaehyun home, which they only agreed to silently, knowing they weren’t equipped to see Jungwoo in the hospital like that. When Doyoung and Jaehyun arrived home earlier from their schedule than expected, everyone was confused.
“Hey, guys. You’re home earlier than expected. Where’s Jungwoo?” Johnny said casually as he surfed the channel on their TV.
Johnny turned upon not hearing an answer from the two boys, flinching as he took in the tired and distraught expressions on their face.
“Hyung, can you call everyone together?” Doyoung looked at Johnny seriously, eyes silently pleading. Johnny nodded and walked to everyone’s rooms, calling them as Jaehyun and Doyoung sat distraught on the couch.
Once everyone was gathered, they all sat in the general shape of a circle, some on the floor, some on the couch. No one spoke, immediately sensing the gloomy atmosphere of the room. Jaehyun took it upon himself to speak first.
“Jungwoo is in the hospital. He…um…he passed out. At practice.” Jaehyun flickered his gaze to everyone as he spoke, not daring to look at them for more than three seconds.
“What?! What are we doing here then, we need to go to the hospital!” Yuta said as he stood up, expression furrowing into worry and mind mentally prepared to comfort Jungwoo.
“Manager-hyung said it’s best if we stay here. He might not wake up immediately.” Doyoung spoke to his Yuta-hyung, lips unintentionally pouting.
“What, so we just wait here silently while Jungwoo is sick? No, I’m not doing that. You guys don’t have to come, but I have to be there for him. I know he needs someone right now.” Yuta said incredulously, ready to defend his position.
“But––” Doyoung said, only to be abruptly stopped by someone else.
“He’s right, Doyoung-hyung. Jungwoo-hyung needs someone there for him. You don’t have to come, it’s okay.” Mark also took Yuta’s side, standing up beside him.
“Come on, guys. Grab essentials. We’ll probably be there for a while.” Taeyong said as he stood up, already texting another member of management to pick them up so they could go to the hospital. Everyone else stood up simultaneously, leaving only Doyoung sitting on the couch. Doyoung’s lips shook in nervousness, the hospital terrified him. He’s been there one too many times over the course of his career, and every time he never wished he went again. But right now, Jungwoo needed him. Doyoung hesitantly stood up from their couch, walking to his room and packing essentials he knew he needed.
Once he was packed, he walked out of his room and noticed the bustling nature of everyone else, the only one truly ready was Yuta, sitting at the door, while tying his shoes. Doyoung walked to their door as well, sitting down next to his hyung as he grabbed his shoes.
“Thanks for coming, Doyoungie. I know you don’t like the hospital.” Yuta said casually, not looking up from the knot he was tying.
“No, you were right, hyung. Jungwoo needs us right now. I’ll just have to suck it up and deal with it.” Doyoung lightly joked with his hyung, smiling at the older.
Yuta snickered lightly, before holding Doyoung’s hand. “We’ll be here for you too, Doyoung. You’re not alone.”
Doyoung smiled warmly at his hyung, nodding before hugging the older.
One awkwardly tense car ride later, all eight of them arrived at the hospital, and were quickly lead to Jungwoo’s private room. They all locked eyes with the doctor as he locked out of the room, the man keeping them outside so he could go over and overview of the boy.
“It seems he passed out from malnutrition and exhaustion. We have him on an IV drip for vitamins and he’s sleeping right now. There was one problematic thing we encountered though. We found cuts from a razor blade on his right arm, so we had to insert the IV into his left arm so we wouldn’t infect them. A nurse has properly dressed his wounds and we’re thinking of calling our hospital psychiatrist to see him during the time he’s here. He was only in the beginning stages of severe malnutrition, so he should be able to leave within a couple of days’ time. Now, if you’ll excuse me.”
The doctor bowed to them, and they all simultaneously bowed back to him, most with tears in their eyes. Their manager opened the door for them, letting them all surround Jungwoo as they filled the room silently. Most of them sat down around the room, on the couch, on a chair, even on the floor. Except Doyoung. He grabbed a plastic chair from the corner of the room and pulled it next to Jungwoo’s bedside, sitting down in it and grabbing the sleeping boy’s hand. Jungwoo’s finger lightly twitched in Doyoung’s hold, but the boy showed no signs of waking up.
Just like that, they sat there for hours, silently pleading for the boy to wake up. When he finally woke up, after an eternity of waiting from the boys, everyone sighed a collective sigh of relief. Jungwoo silently opened his eyes, squinting silently as the bright hospital lights blinded him. His hand twitched, curling in as he felt a force over his hand. He fully opened his eyes to see Doyoung, sleeping on his lap peacefully. He silently turned his head further to the left, to see the rest of his team either sleeping on the couch, the chair, or the floor. What time was it? Wait, where was he? This wasn’t his dorm room.
He lifted up his right arm, not noticing the fresh bandage adorning it. He flinched silently, looking at the bandage with wide eyes.
Ah, now he knew where he was. He cursed at himself, he hoped he would never make his members come back here again. Tears welled up in his eyes silently, his right arm moving to cover his eyes as he weeped silently. His lips trembled silently as tears slipped out of his eyes. He moved his arm over his mouth, trying to cover the sobs wracking his body. He breathed out of his nose loudly, a side effect of covering his sobs from his mouth.
Once Jungwoo composed himself once more, he was exhausted again. But, he couldn’t afford to fall asleep now. Not when he had talking to do with his eight best friends in the world. He moved his hand out from under Doyoung’s grasp and began shaking the older boy awake. The boy wasn’t known to be a deep sleeper, but he hadn’t been getting much sleep in preparation for the album, so any amount of sleep he appreciated at this point.
“Doyoung-hyung…Doyoungie-hyung…” He whispered, the older boy slightly stirring on the hospital bed.
He looked to the others, still sleeping in different positions in the room. Jungwoo looked out of the window to his room and realized it was deep into the night, stars littering the sky in their little dot, dot, dot formations. Jungwoo lightly smiled to himself, hand intertwining with Doyoung’s once more as he snuggled in closer to the older boy.
When Doyoung awoke a couple of minutes later, he smiled warmly upon seeing the smile upon Jungwoo’s face, slightly squeezing his hand and moving in closer to the boy on the hospital bed.
🩵
When Jungwoo awoke once more, he quickly adjusted to the bright lights of his private hospital room and the smell of saline floating through the air he didn’t notice initially. He silently turned his head to the side, ready to gaze into all of his members eyes only to flinch slightly. He met one pair of eyes, tired and red. He instantly recognized them to be Taeyong’s, and his heart crumpled like a piece of paper.
“Jungwoo-yah, can you hear me?” Taeyong smiled tiredly at the boy, bags under his eyes decreasing ever so slightly.
“Taeyong-hyung…are you mad at me?” Jungwoo slightly whispered, voice still clouded with sleep.
“I could never be mad at you, Jungwoo-yah.” Taeyong said as he smiled, gently grabbing Jungwoo’s hand.
Jungwoo looked into Taeyong’s eyes for a moment, before silently nodding, knowing the boy meant those words.
“Still…I’m sorry, hyung.” Jungwoo tore his gaze away from the older’s, tears silently welling up in his eyes.
“You have nothing to be sorry for, Jungwoo-yah. I just…have one question.” Taeyong held Jungwoo’s hand tighter, eyes welling up with tears once more.
Jungwoo looked at him silently, a single tear falling on his cheek.
“How long has this been going on? W––Why didn’t…why didn’t you tell someone? You know we’re here for you, Jungwoo-yah.” Taeyong said as he gently grabbed Jungwoo’s cheek, discarding it of the tear littering it.
Jungwoo closed his eyes as more tears fell from them, biting his lip silently.
“I didn’t think it was a problem. I thought–– I thought I was handling it.” Jungwoo pleaded with his Taeyong-hyung, praying he would understand him.
“But––but still. You could’ve told someone. Doyoung; Jaehyun; our manager; me. You didn’t have to hide. You could’ve told us about this.” Taeyong shook his head as he spoke, trying to understand the younger’s actions.
“Hyung, I really didn’t mean it. I never thought it would ever get this bad. It––it was just…the one thing I could control. I was controlling it. I––I was…” Jungwoo shook his head desperately, tears falling on his cheeks.
Taeyong stood up from the seat he was in, tears falling on his cheek. He wiped them from his face and turned his head away from Jungwoo. He needed to calm down. Calm down and have this conversation with Jungwoo. Even if he didn’t want to. Even if he wanted to be a child and cry into his younger brother’s arms and assume everything was fixed. He had to be an adult, and seriously talk to him about this.
Taeyong sighed and closed his eyes, calming himself silently.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Jungwoo-yah. I just–– I’m trying to make sense of this. But I’m not mad at you. Like I said, I could never be mad at you. I just love you, Jungwoo-yah. I really just love you.” Taeyong said as he sat back down in his chair and held Jungwoo’s hand.
Jungwoo looked at his hands in Taeyong’s grasp silently. Tears welled up in his eyes silently, before nodding silently. He smiled warmly at his Taeyong-hyung, the older boy smiling back at him warmly. They both laughed softly, tears in both of their eyes and joy bubbling in both of their stomachs.
When the others come back later, they all cry in joy when Jungwoo greeted them happily, smiling like there was no tomorrow. They all took turns hugging him, most squeezing him tighter than they usually did. Finally, they all gathered around Jungwoo’s bed one last time and enveloped him in a big group hug.
Jungwoo felt whole again. He felt solid and substantial for the first time in months. And that was good enough for him.
Fin