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“Cool! It says that box turtles can hold their breath for like fifteen minutes!” Mikey says, kicking his feet. “I’m gonna try it.”
“Great idea, Miguel,” Donnie says, and Mikey apparently doesn’t catch the sarcasm, because he promptly sucks in a huge breath and clamps his mouth shut.
“Huh,” says Raph. “Says here that some species of turtle can do something called, uh, ‘cloakal breathing?’”
“Cloacal,” Donnie corrects, “As in breathing through the cloaca.”
Raph jerks his phone away like it bit him. “EW!”
“What’s it say about red-eared sliders?” Leo asks. “I bet it’s cooler than ass breathing.” He takes a sip of coffee.
“Eye roll. Everything about what you just said is inaccurate.” Nevertheless, Donnie scrolls down and keeps reading. A moment later, he squints at his phone. Then at Leo. Then back at his phone.
“Uhhhh….”
Raph looks up. “What’s wrong, Donnie?”
“Nothing’s wrong, just… according to this chart, Leo’s a girl?”
Leo chokes on his coffee in surprise. Raph startles and pounds his shell until he stops coughing.
“Hey, hey, breathe. You okay?”
Leo ignores Raph, approaching Donnie. “No, lemme see that. You’ve gotta be wrong.”
“I mean, we don’t exactly have another mutant turtle teenager to compare you to, but- hey!”
Leo snatches Donnie’s phone, ignoring his indignant yelp. He stares at the diagram on the screen.
Flat plastron. Yeah, but it’s not like it’s any flatter than his brothers. ‘Sides, he’s got a dip. That counts as concave, right?
Light coloration. Sure, kinda, in comparison to Mikey or Donnie…..
Larger. Not next to Raph. But apparently, he should be closer to Mikey’s size… okay, no big deal, they’re half human. None of this stuff means anything.
His eye catches on the differences in shell pattern. He recognizes his shell’s design.
…On the female turtle.
A panic that leo doesn’t understand is winding its way up his throat. TV static encroaches on the edges of his thoughts.
He’s sure he’s a guy. He’s always been one. The chart has to be wrong, or they’re misreading it. Or something. There has to be an or something.
“Whoop-de-do, we have a sister,” Donnie deadpans, snatching his phone out of Leo’s hands. Raph doesn’t say anything. Leo can see the chasm forming on his forehead. Ah- he’s watching him.
“Haha,” Leo says, unable to get his voice to hold a tone. “Funny.”
“Huh. You know, if I didn’t know your sense of humor, I would assume that was sarcasm, based on your tone. Curious.”
“Uh. Donnie,” Raph says. “I think—“
Leo cuts him off. “I mean, maybe I was a girl turtle before we got, y’know, but I was made with dad’s DNA! So I’m a guy!”
Donnie snorts. “Most girls are made with their dad’s DNA, ‘Nardo. You see, when two gametes love each other very much—“
“Shut up,” Leo spits. He can hear his voice shaking. “Just shut up.” He slams his half-empty coffee mug on the counter and stalks out of the kitchen.
“What? What did I say?”
Raph sighs. “Donnie… you should go apologize.”
“I don’t even know what I’d be apologizing for!”
“Look, this is clearly upsetting him, why don’t—“ Leo hears a thump. “—MIKEY!”
“Well, I guess we found out how long he can hold his breath…”
Leo speeds up, hoping that Mikey’s dumbassery will distract Raph and Donnie for a bit. Once he’s far enough away, he unsheathes his odachi and waves it around in the air with none of his usual flair. A portal slices through reality in front of him. Stepping through it brings him to a nearby rooftop, cool concrete exposed to the night sky. It’s not one he recognizes. Good.
He flops down on the ground and slaps his hands over his face. Why is this upsetting him so much? He’s never cared before. he wears whatever he wants, does whatever he wants, likes whatever he wants. it makes no difference.
Nothing’s changed. So why does his body suddenly feel wrong?
…Is he sure he isn’t a girl? His body is… as far as they know. To their best estimates, Leo was born a girl. Whatever that means for a turtle. There’s gotta be biological differences, right?
Leo googles it and instantly regrets it. Right. That’s what female bodies do. It’s not gross, he’s never thought it was gross, but the idea of his body doing that makes his skin crawl. He can’t even think the words, let alone say them.
What’s a way to find out for sure? An x-ray could work, or whatever it’s called when you x-ray someone’s organs. Donnie could probably get his hands on one of those. Or just cut him open and check. His twin might like that. The rest of his family wouldn’t.
…He knows he’s ignoring the more important question. But asking himself what he feels is so much less concrete. There’s so much stuff in his brain—so many things that make up Leo. How’s he meant to sort that into categories?
Maybe he should just… feel it out. Like he usually does. Fuck it we ball.
Leo takes a deep breath and says out loud, “I’m Hamato Leo, and I’m a girl. I use, uh, she/her pronouns. I’m a young woman. And stuff.”
New York doesn’t respond. No answers fall from the sky. It’s just Leo and the hollow confusion-fear-doubt crouching in his chest.
How does anyone figure this shit out?
Leo groans. He hates being alone with his thoughts when they’re this… fuzzy. And messy. He’s supposed to be the results guy, and this is getting him nowhere.
He digs his phone out and rolls onto his side. Ah. Raph’s worried, apparently. He ignores the barrage of concerned texts in favor of messaging April.
nardo: hey weird question
nardo: how do u know ur a girl
April’s typing indicator appears and disappears several times. Leo sighs and lets his phone fall onto his plastron.
It rings a second later. He shoots upright and checks the caller ID—April, not Raph. He answers.
“Chello. You’ve reached Neon Leon.”
“Leo? Everything okay?”
“Psh, yeah, totally.” Unimpressed silence. Leo wilts. “Uh. Kind of.”
“Thought so. What’s up?”
“It’s stupid.”
“Okay.”
“Like it shouldn’t even matter, and I don’t know why I care so much—“
“Leo.”
“—Sorry, sorry. Um. So,” he pulls his mask tails over his shoulder so he has something to fidget with. “We were looking at turtle biology shhhhtuff and, uh, it turns out I’m probably a girl turtle…?”
A long pause. “Oh. Dang. So… you think you’re actually a girl?”
“No! I mean- Sorry- Maybe?”
“Oookay. Do you need a minute?”
“No, no, I’m- fine.” Leo sucks in a breath. “Just- please answer the question,”
“Right,” April says. “I guess I’ve never thought too hard about it? I mean, it doesn’t matter too much to me? Sorry, that’s not a real answer.”
“It’s fine. It- does it feel right to you? Being a girl?”
A pause. “Yeah, kinda. It’s less that it feels right and more that it doesn’t feel… wrong? If that makes sense.”
Leo relaxes a little. “It does. So… if it felt wrong, you wouldn’t be a girl? Even though you are, um, biologically?”
“I mean, yeah. Probably. I dunno, this stuff’s confusing.”
Leo huffs a quiet laugh. “It is.”
“But seriously, Leo, if being a girl feels wrong to you, then you don’t hafta be one. Biology doesn’t matter that much. Especially in your whole… situation.” Leo can imagine the accompanying hand gesture perfectly. “Girl, boy, something else, I don’t care. You’re still you.”
“Heh. Yeah.” He lets a long breath out, running a hand over his head. “That- that makes sense. Thanks.”
They sit in silence for a few moments.
“…Soooo… are you, like, a trans guy?” April asks.
“I have… no idea?”
“Alright. Cool.” More silence. “You’re still my lil’ bro. For the record. As long as you want to be.”
Leo smiles. “Always.”
“Aww! Also, not to ruin the moment, but I should warn you that Donnie is zeroing in on your location. He’s texting me mad scientist updates.”
“Ouh boy,” Leo grimaces. “I kinda blew up at him. He might be mad.”
“Doesn’t sound like it. He says,” April does her best donnie impression, “‘I finally get to use my algorithm!’ And also ‘say hi to Leo for me.’ Wait, what? Did he bug my phone???”
“Probably.”
“Oh, we are gonna have a talk later.”
“Tell me before you do. I’ll make popcorn. Anyway, I should go before Mr. Jekyll gets here. Thanks again, April.”
“Anytime, Leo. see ya.”
Leo clicks his phone off and breathes a sigh of relief. he absentmindedly smooths a hand over his plastron. Flat. Solid. It’s his, and he’s Leo.
His moment of peace is short lived. The familiar sound of a jetpack whirring draws closer as a blur of purple shoots towards the building.
He slows to a halt in front of Leo, grinning wildly. “Aha! Finally, a chance to test my algorithm! Witness me, Alan Turing!”
Leo raises his eyebrows. “Hey, Don-tron.”
“Leonardo.” Donnie lands on the roof. His battle shell folds back into itself. “I’ve come to… apologize.”
“Thanks, bro, but you don’t really have to. I was the one who snapped.” Leo scoots over and pats the ground next to him.
Donnie accepts the invitation, coming over to plop down next to his twin. “That is true…” he shakes his head. “No, I’ve prepared myself for this. Leo, I’m sorry I teased you when you were uncomfortable. I am willing to discuss the subject, should you choose.”
“Aw, thanks, Dee,” Leo says. “But really, it’s okay. I talked to April about it.”
“I know. I MEAN, what totally unfamiliar information….! Anyway. What did she say?”
Leo shrugs. “That she’s just as confused as me, but that it doesn’t matter too much.”
Donnie frowns. “That’s it?”
“Yep.”
“Wow, that’s anticlimactic. Sooo… nothing’s changed? You’re still a boy?”
“Yeah. I think so, anyway. Dunno.” leo scratches the back of his head. “It’s is what feels natural, so… yes?”
“Right. Coooooool. ...Does that make you trans?”
Leo laughs. “That’s what April asked. I dunno that either. I guess so? Maybe?”
Without a word, and without taking his eyes off Leo, Donnie lifts his wrist console up and types something into it.
Confetti shoots out of Donnie’s battle shell, making Leo yelp. A big metal thumbs up emerges, accompanied by a recorded voice repeating: “Congrats on coming out as gay slash bisexual slash transgender slash something else! Congrats on—“
Leo bursts out laughing, doubling over. “Donnie, have you just- How long have you had that ready to go??”
“Couple years now. Though I’ll admit, these aren’t the circumstances I predicted I’d first use it in.”
Leo howls with laughter. Donnie can’t help but crack a smile. “What? I wanted to make you feel accepted.”
Leo gasps for air. “Oh my god. Never change, Don. Please.”
A metal arm gives Leo a noogie. He grins and bonks his shoulder against Donnie’s. To his surprise and delight, Donnie doesn’t pull away. He leans into the touch while deactivating the confetti cannon on his back. Leo doesn’t dare move.
It’s a nice night.
Donnie’s touch tolerance doesn’t last forever. He leans away with a polite cough.
Leo smiles and gets to his feet. “Alright. Ready to go home, Dee?”
“If you are.”
Leo grins and slides his odachi out of its sheath. A portal opens in front of him, swirling blue. Blue like his eyes, like his bandana, like his sword, like him. Like Leo.
“Then let’s get going.”