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Gon, if possible, becomes more reckless.
He jumps onto a boat to the Dark Continent without even getting his nen back; somehow he makes it back alive with Kurapika’s and Leorio’s help. When they found him there they couldn’t believe their eyes but nonetheless thought Gon of all people would be a good asset despite their feelings of unease. The two quickly regretted not booting the kid back home due to his growing reckless nature, it seemed none of them could fulfill Killua’s role of keeping him in check. It started off small and barely noticeable but the Gon they had met during the hunter exams had subtly transformed, his eagerness had melted into something darker and his cheerfulness soon gained a plastic quality.
It seemed like the boy was trying to get himself killed at this rate but Kurapika and Leorio just dismissed him getting used to his drop in power since the incident with the Chimera Ants.
Still something nagged at them.
After the short expedition to the Dark Continent (thankfully cut short due to technical difficulties and not everyone dying) Gon gets into more fights, the reasons ranging from heroic to just plain petty. Leorio finds him at a hospital more often than not. Gon keeps biting off more than he can chew but whenever they meet it’s always this plastic smile, something off from the genuine article but not enough proof for Leorio to do anything than try and subtly ask about it. Gon smile’s wide and there’s more and more scars on his body each time and apologizes and says he’ll be more careful next time.
Leorio stops believing him.
Even Kurapika thinks that he’s going too far; Leorio gives him a pointed look but Kurapika glares back but continues talking. If Gon seemed to attract trouble before it seems like he’s a magnet for it now, or he’s purposefully looking for it. He’s going as far as he can as if with no plan for the outcome.
It starts growing and growing and it isn’t until Leorio gets a confused call from Gon’s aunt after the boy left his beetle phone leaving Whale Island in a hurry that it really starts to feel like things have gone too far. Mito claims he had been on the island for no more than a few sign after having previously disappeared for months previously, he seemed distracted and quiet and Leorio almost breaks his phone as Mito cries into her receiver fear in her voice and memories of her cousin never returning home haunting the conversation.
Leorio can’t let this happen, he won’t let it. But he’s not the person that can help.
It takes some time but Leorio tracks down Gon and insists he stays at his place for a short while. Gon finally agrees and Leorio makes sure to give him back his beetle phone (he had Mito mail it to him after her call, assuring he would get it to Gon). Gon stared at the old phone in his hand reprehensively and a part of Leorio knew that he hadn’t forgotten that phone, he was discarding it.
It had been a week before Leorio tried to confront Gon about his behavior and like a scared animal the next morning Gon had fled, flimsy excuse on a note tacked onto Leorio’s fridge.
At least this time he took the phone with him.
Leorio is worried, Mito is scared, Kurapika is uneasy, Bisky is angry.
She starts hearing about Gon’s recklessness through the rumor mill, believing some stories easily and others she took with a grain of salt, I mean sure Gon was stupid and reckless, but he wasn’t that stupid and reckless. That is until she ends up confirming one of Gon’s more ridiculous escapades as solid fact and then she’s pissed. She didn’t train this boy, this unpolished gem of a kid, just for him to self-destruct. She was positively fuming and Alluka looked at her master with uneasy eyes when she came to her nen lesson the next morning.
Killua was sitting on the sofa reading one of the magazines Wing had in his house while Alluka practiced her ten. Due to the circumstances that come from being on the run Alluka’s lessons took place in seemingly random but prearranged places that both Killua and Bisky decide on together, both working their best to make sure there’s not trail. Bisky couldn’t help but feel happy that Killua would confide his location to her out of all people, the trust he showed in that action warming her heart.
However her heart was a fit of rage this morning and Alluka was unmistakably fretful over it and a fretful Alluka put Killua on full alert. He may still look nonchalant with the magazine in his hand but he was anything but, his En activated to its full radius in milliseconds. Despite her rage Bisky couldn’t help but be proud of her pupil.
But also she was full with rage and instead of her usual greeting and training with Alluka she stomps straight up to Killua. “What the hell does Gon think he’s doing? I’m asking you because I sure as hell don’t know!” She doesn’t mean to take her anger out on Killua but as Gon’s partner in crime she’s sure the boy has at least some idea what’s going on and if he does why the hell is here and not beating his best friend back to his senses.
Except Killua startles at the boy’s name, genuine confusion washing over his face. “Gon’s doing what?”
“Oh my god… you don’t know?” Bisky backs up surprise washing over her.
A pinch of fear flashes over Killua’s electric blue eyes and he’s on his feet, “Don’t know what?” His voice is two parts dangerous and with one part scared and confused, Bisky had almost forgot what a landmine Gon was towards Killua’s emotions in the recent years she interacted with him separately from her other pupil. Killua had calmed down and gotten tenser in the years since he became Alluka’s caretaker. He’s equal parts paranoid and relaxed keeping his sister safe and also keeping her happy, making himself happy in the process. He comes off as more emotionally mature than he did before, smiles more genuinely and gets embarrassed less yet with still a mischievous twinkle in his eye.
In juxtaposition however Gon has gone down a sharp decline that none of his friends could have predicted.
She tells Killua what she’s heard about Gon. Killua calls Leorio and Kurapika, Alluka can tell from how her brother’s body language changes that this isn’t good. She looks to Bisky and goes to talk to her in another room. Alluka knows that Killua needs to leave, and she trusts her teacher and she asks shyly on the couch opposite of Bisky if it would be okay if she stayed with her for a while.
When the return to the living room Killua looks exhausted but his face is firm, he knows what to do but…
Alluka tells him she’s staying with Bisky for a while and that he should go find Gon. Obviously Killua protests but she’s able to convince him she’ll be safe, the last person people would expect to find Alluka with would be Bisky, Illumi’s looking for traces of Killua anyway. Killua makes a compromise and say they should play Greed Island, that they’ll be safer there. Bisky grins with the old memories of the game and she vows to keep his sister safe.
Killua’s first reaction when hearing of Gon’s recklessness is that he needs to find him, but to be honest, he has no idea what he’ll do when he finds him. He feels hurt that he’s the last to learn about this, that Gon should have come to him first, that Killua should always be the first to know when somethings wrong with Gon. But a pang of guilt stabs at him; he’s the one that decided to leave his best friend. Obviously he had his reasons, he was scared of how close he was to Gon at the time and Alluka’s small hands were in his.
But the part of him that feels strangely possessive over Gon yells at him, tells him he should’ve been there keeping Gon out of trouble like usual. It rampages and blames himself for Gon’s recklessness.
Another part of him is bitter and angry. Killua wanted to think that Gon grown past his reckless bullshit after what happened with the Chimera Ants. He had almost died and yet apparently not even the fear of death was able to fix that idiot.
Another part felt betrayed, they had still kept up with each other over email for the most part. Their discourse had been growing thinner recently but Killua had just thought of it inevitable but according to everyone else this behavior had been going on longer than their fadeout, that Gon’s cheerful texts and updates had been nothing more than a lie. Killua felt hurt that Gon had lied to him.
A huge part of him is just worried, his mind flashing back to that white room and sitting there helplessly. Fear pressed at him as he looked for Gon hoping he wouldn’t find Gon like he had last time; that he wouldn’t be too late.
Killua’s pretty sure he’s decided that when he finds Gon that he’s going to punch him and so he’s pissed at himself when he freezes. Finding Gon hadn’t been that hard, with equal parts knowing him and following the trail of mayhem he had left behind him.
Gon’s lying in a field near the town. Killua was sure that he was gonna run up and beat some sense into his friend the second he found him but instead his heart jumpstarts at the faraway look he has and Killua is paralyzed.
It had only been a second tops when that older Gon looked Killua in the eye before… before what happened but that image was implanted in Killua memories for probably forever. Seeing that same grief and self-loathing and bitter acceptance like ghost on Gon’s features again terrifies him to the core. Gon’s lying there alive and healthy but Killua is scared that he might actually be too late again.
Gon’s eyes meet his and the expression shifts, his eyes brighten and smile spreads on freckled cheeks and Killua is hit with overwhelming relief in that short moment, “Killua!”
Gon sprints up to him like a puppy and Killua really wants to believe that he was imagining that face from earlier as his best friend tackles him into a hug. Killua laughs as the hug knocks him over not sure if it’s because he’s happy or if he’s scared.
It’s not like these things just disappear. They linger and they stalk Gon. He wakes up in the middle of the night and there it is! Here again, over and over in his head. Gon tries to remember, tries to hold onto old pretty things digging his fingernails into them as he get dragged out by ugly repetitions of things he knows he doesn’t believe, doesn’t want, but his brain loathsomely whispers.
Gon hold onto a few things desperately:
- Mito’s warm cooking, warm hug, warm house, home and love.
- Kurapika’s sad eyes and soft smiles, Gon’s need to someday help him be happy.
- Leorio’s grief and joy, his determination to do things more amazing than anyone
- Ging’s faith in Gon to be live up to his expectations
- Kite’s still alive.
- Killua.
Gon absolutely doesn’t want to think about how useless he is.
Killua starts traveling with Gon again after their encounter. Killua doesn’t tell Gon about how Mito looked when he visited her. Killua doesn’t talk about what he’s heard from Bisky and Kurapika and Leorio. Not because he doesn’t think he should, but because he’s scared to. The sick selfish part of him wants to bask in living in Gon’s back pocket again. He can’t bring himself to bring up the recklessness, or the new scars, or the way that Gon fades out of conversations seemingly distracted over nothing.
Sometimes Gon’s smiles are genuine and sometimes they’re made of cheap imitations. Killua can’t breathe when his smile is fake, his eyes devoid of life, and he tries to carry on his body like a dead man walking. Killua doesn’t know what to in those moments, doesn’t know whether to get angry, whether to pretend to, to hold Gon down and tell him to just stop already.
Killua feels sick with concern and on air with happiness to be with his friend again, the contradicting emotions swirling in his head. He’s slowly pulls down the wall Gon had built up against others entering, a wall that had never really been there before (except that was a lie it was there back when he couldn’t reach his friend, back when they were surrounded by death and fear and Killua had been too late). Gon starts relaxing some and Killua thinks this is a good thing, happy that maybe he will maybe start opening up about what’s going on by himself.
Killua doesn’t want to think about how despicable he is that he still can’t bring it up by himself finding his own shortcomings laid bare in front of him.
Killua wants to be able to do better this time.
It starts out innocuously enough. Gon is tapping his knees agitatedly. Killua had been looking at his phone wondering how Alluka was doing, having been a week since her last call, one second and the next the tapping.
Killua feels like he should ask what’s wrong but can’t bring himself to. The words choke him as he pretends to be reading his book. They had just returned from a spar from outside the small rental cottage they were holing up in currently.
The tension in the room tightens around his neck though and Killua tries to think of ways to lighten the mood even by the smallest percentage. He makes a small joke about Gon being restless and Gon gives a quiet laugh. Killua for a second thinks that’s enough maybe. Maybe he they could watch a movie. Maybe they could go out to the next town over to figure out what to get for dinner. Wracking his brain for possible distractions.
Gon taps his leg harder, probably unnoticeable except for the increase in sound. Killua hyper focuses on it.
Gon’s mind is spinning. He’s in that place again. He doesn’t want to be here, especially not now, especially when Killua is here. He goes through his reminders:
Mito, Kurapika, Leorio, Ging, Kite, Killua.
Gon itches and it sets off another irritating spell of dizziness. He doesn’t want to.
Mito, Kurapika, Leorio, Ging, Kite, Killua.
He’s stopped breathing by now and he’s sure Killua notices because Killua is smart and perceptive and a much better person than Gon is, it’s amazing that he’s still willing to be his friend after all that’s happened, Killua is certainly one of the nicest people he knows. And look at Gon! Just this wallowing pile of trash that can’t get past a stupid feeling, how worthless, it would be better if he didn’t even exi—
Mito, Kurapika, Leorio, Ging, Kite, Killua.
Gon literally causes nothing but trouble with his life. He got Kite killed, he’s put Mito through enough stress to last her forever not to mention all that she’s had to give up to raise him, despicable, he’s ruined his mother’s life, the best thing he can do for her now is not bothering her anymore. Killua has literally been on the run for the past few years because he was stupid and made Killua take his sister so he could heal Gon of all people. He’s ruined Killua’s chances for finding his own dream by being a selfish piece of shit that should just di—
Mito, Kurapika, Leorio, Ging, Kite, Killua.
Gon taps his leg harder, trying to remember that these thoughts, these thoughts are ugly, these thoughts don’t hold up a lot of rational perspective. Gon tells himself that he’s stronger than this. Probably.
These aren’t the sort of things that fade away.
His thoughts are persistent and toxic and it’s everything he breathes and everything he sees about himself and he remembers when he was much happier and it all seems so far away it’s disgusting.
Like a scratched record his brain lies to him and he’s just.
Strong enough.
“Stop it!” Killua grabs both of Gon’s hands and it’s only then that Gon realizes that he had been punching his legs. He starts registering the ache from the blows and it’s this weird feeling where he sort of loses himself and he struggles against Killua grip. It hurts but he wants to hurt more he wants to destroy himself. He can feel how close he is to breaking his legs and that thought is addicting in the moment.
“Let me go!” Gon yells as he struggles, trying to yank his arms away from Killua’s, he can’t take this anymore he doesn’t care anymore this needs to stop he needs to stop he—
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?!” Killua grits out in the struggle.
Gon makes a grunt and struggles, beginning to hyperventilate, thrashing his body under Killua’s grip trying to wrench his body away.
“Gon! Calm down!” Gon had forgot that technically Killua is stronger than him without the use of nen. He struggles but can’t break free.
“No! Leave me alone!” Gon cries out as he struggles futilely harder. He needs to escape, he needs to do it now, he needs to just, di—
“Will you stop hurting yourself if I do?!”
Gon freezes. Reality settles back in him and he starts claiming pieces of him back from his hysteria. He wheezes, Killua is sitting above him, breathing heavily as he firmly holds Gon’s hands. There’s a terror in Killua’s eyes that Gon hates himself for, Gon never wants Killua to look at him like that. He can’t— can’t believe he lost control like that. Pinned underneath his best friend in the whole world Gon bursts into tears.
“I—I’m so-rry” he sobs brokenly. He repeats it over and over under his breath.
He’s never hated himself more than in this moment. It was fine when he was by himself, and no one knew, really knew, Leorio got close to finding out but he never knew. And here it was. Cat out of the bag. Gon felt naked and disgusted with himself. Killua was looking at a side of him that he never ever wanted exposed and it hurts. It hurts.
“Gon.” He continues to sob out apologies losing each word with heaving irregular breaths.
“Gon.” Gon has never been so pathetic in his life. Killua is sure to not want to associate with him anymore.
“Gon.” Or worse Gon has mainpulated Killua with his freak out to feel responsible to take care of Gon and he’s just more of a despicable human being that can’t do anything right.
“I’m ssorr—!” And Killua’s full weight is on him shocking him out of his second hysteria.
“Gon.” Killua’s arms snake around his back, his face digging into the crook of his neck breathing steadily. Gon feels the contrast in their breathing and is almost forced to slow it down with Killua’s embrace on him. “It’s okay Gon.”
Gon’s hands hesitate with their new freedom. His legs still hurt in that peculiar way but Killua in his arms is just…
Gon hesitantly wraps his arms around Killua’s back. He tries to calm down. He really does. Killua squeezes him tighter and Gon-
Gon sobs in his best friends arms. Killua stays silent and just lets Gon cry while he’s holding him.
Gon wasn’t really sure when he went to sleep but it must have been between sobbing his eyes out. He wakes up and it’s hot and heavy and hard to breathe, eyes burning with a heaviness of having cried too much. It’s just barely still dark outside, and Killua is on top of him.
Gon tries to shuffle out from under him but Killua makes a whining noise and squeezes Gon tighter. Gon lets out a huff of a laugh and is startled by how sore and dry his throat is. He needs water.
He struggles out of the sleepy boys embrace and staggers towards the cottages kitchen. Two to three steps in a wave of self-hatred hits him again. He holds his breath and steadies himself against the wall.
“Gon…?” Killua slurs from the bed, “…alright?” he pokes an eye at Gon. Killua’s eyes are sleepy and vulnerable and weight pulls at Gon’s stomach. Gon feels naked but tries again.
“Y-yeah just getting some water.” His voice cracks and he clears his throat. He starts pouring the water from the sink, focusing on the sound of the water hitting the cup and the water hitting the metal sink and down the drain.
“Mmkay…” Killua rustles around under the blankets and snuggles into the pillow before falling back to sleep. Gon lets out a breath and watches his friend.
Despite everything Gon feels real for the first time in a while. He feels the cold tiles underneath his bare feet and the morning air nipping at his exposed skin. He feels the burn from the bruises he gave himself last night and Gon breathes when they just hurt. Not in that peculiar way, but in the way that makes him feel regret. He still feels horrible but he feels solid for the first time in a while.
He settles back on the bed next to Killua with his water. He’s kind of unnerved at all the subtle changes that’s Killua’s gone through since they last met, his hair is longer, in a short ponytail, his face has matured, full of more angles than the previous roundness of childhood, there’s even a hint of white stubble of his chin that Gon’s never noticed before. It reminds him that things are different now, they’re both a different Killua and Gon then they were before, young scared and twelve.
Gon still feels young and scared to be honest. He feels like he’s stuck at that place where he decided his life didn’t matter, grief and hatred boiling within him until he became something deformed. His soul has twisted into something he doesn’t like.
It all started out slow for him. He got home and it was just this constant sort of vague buzz. Things he used to find enjoyable became lifeless. At first he thought it was because he was growing up, his interests changing with age, but it got to the point where he everything became dull and lifeless around him. He kept smiling because Mito was there, the villagers were there.
He started pretending.
He started losing his sincerity piece by piece. He’s already hurt enough people during his time as a hunter he didn’t want to bother anyone else. So he kept secrets and told small lies. It scared him how easy it was and nobody suspected anything. Gon had always preferred to tell the truth and he wasn’t really that sure how he became this façade of who he used to be.
He felt like an empty shell walking
A part of Gon had just wanted to feel alive again.
Another part of him had just wanted to die.
And so he started doing progressively more reckless things. Hoping that in the desperate situations he put himself through one or the other desire would happen. He couldn’t convince himself to kill himself, he held enough rationality to know that he can’t do that to the people around him, maybe one day when he manages to detach himself enough from his friends that his death wouldn’t hurt them but he knows they still care. He had thought that ‘accidentally’ leaving his phone at home would create a bigger distance from those he cared about but all that caused Leorio to come closer at full speed.
Gon knew to a certain extent that he didn’t want them to stop caring about him, but that dark consuming part of him made him keep pushing them away, creating further excuses for the need to end his existence.
But in the end Gon can’t really find a reason for this desire. All he has is in his brain repeating this mantra that he should just die already and the longer it goes on the more impossible it becomes to distinguish from his own actual desires.
Killua unconsciously nuzzles up against the warmth of Gon’s thigh, the bruised skin extra sensitive to the soft hair that caresses it. A part of Gon wonders if it’s because he just can’t function normally anymore without Killua. That it’s Killua’s fault that he’s so fucked up now. That Killua made him so dependent on him that when the boy left Gon would just die from the loneliness of it all, as if this was some sort of sick twisted new assassination technique he was testing out.
Sleepy mutters and soft breathing and Gon know that’s not true. None of this is Killua’s fault. Gon’s mind rampages against him and says that it’s his own fault, but Gon tries to wash the thought out of his mind with another sip of water. The answer is that it’s probably nobody’s fault, the answer that he can’t bring himself to believe. He wants to blame something, he wants to blame Kite he wants to blame Pitou he wants to blame Ging but it’s not any of their faults. He still hates Pitou but he can’t blame them for doing their job, their instinct, it’s not like Pitou was part of the Phantom Troupe who were deciding to be horrible. As much as Gon hates to admit t Pitou was a victim of circumstance. So was Gon.
And yet he’s still haunted by it all to this day to the point he wishes he had never been born in the first place if he was going to go through all this. It’s not like he didn’t know things would be bad when he followed Kite into NGL he just never expected to be so destroyed in the aftermath.
Gon’s thoughts swirl with regret, thoughts of ‘if only’s and ‘how stupid am I’s muddying the pond.
Killua’s hair is soft in Gon’s hand. He’s probably been the happiest he’s been in a long time since Killua found him. Yet still despite Killua being there again he still breaks down like he did last night. Killua can’t fix this, Gon’s not sure he can either.
Maybe though, Killua can help. Gon doesn’t want to see Killua with that expression from last night ever again, it hurts his heart. Gon doesn’t want to be like this anymore, he really wants to change, to find that joy he had in living from when he was small and twelve and ready to take on the world. He wants to work hard; Killua makes him want to be a better person again.
Gon wonders if Killua will stay with him though. Fear and doubt course through him dangerously but he takes in a breath.
He remembers Leorio trying to confront him, trying to help, trying to be there for him. Gon feels bad because he wasn’t ready to let people help him back then, he couldn’t. Gon’s scared to ask for help now that he is ready.
The sun spills through the window illuminating Killua’s face and Gon’s heart squeezes. Killua cracks his eyes open and they meet Gon’s before his face breaks out into a full yawn.
“Morning breath, yuck!” Gon backs off and Killua’s face breaks into a grin before he starts blowing air at his friend. Gon laughs as he shoves a pillow onto Killua’s face.
As they chase each other around room Gon can’t help the certain type of hope that Killua gifts him.
“So I was wondering…” Killua is a few steps behind him as they trek up the mountain, “What if I go train with Alluka…?” The shy sort of hesitance that Killua catches in his voice makes his heart hurt but he continues to hike trying to keep a neutral expression.
“I mean that way…” Gon’s face is obscured by the tree branches ahead of him.
“That way what?” Killua keeps his tone nonchalant.
Gon’s body language reaches inward, shoulders tensing but he continues “Th-that way I could stay with you and maybe regain my nen…”
Killua stops in his tracks. Gon turns around and his face is so red and nervous.
“I mean that way even if I get myself into… reckless situations at least have some nen back I won’t be…” Gon is looking anywhere but Killua, “And I honestly would love to get to know Alluka better I only got to hang out with her for a short while before we separated… and Nanika too!”
Killua opens his mouth, eager with the suggestion but Gon cuts him off.
“I… I want to get better Killua.” His eyes finally meet blue ones and they’re scared but firm, traces from the stubborn boy, “I want to get stronger Killua, and I don’t mean like… physically stronger.” Gon looks at his left arm, the one he lost, “I don’t want to lose to my emotions again.”
“And I” Gon hesitates and starts hiking again, “Killua makes me want to be stronger…” Gon reaches up to a creek jumping from rock to rock, basking in the water that jumps up at his ankles, “If you wouldn’t mind could I stay by your side until I get stronger?”
Everything surges up to Killua and he catches up with him. Gon turns a hopeful glance towards him and-
And Killua hits him across the head, “Of course I will you dumbass.” He crosses the stream completely, “You’re my best friend Gon I’ll be here for you whether you’re strong enough or not! You’re gonna be stuck with me if you like it or not!”
Killua wishes he had a camera at that moment so he could have the expression on Gon’s face forever right in his pocket. Instead however it would just be burned in his mind. The wide hope and light that bounced in the barely contained joy was all Killua ever needed. But Killua was selfish and he was going to get as many bright and happy expressions from Gon as he could, the real kind, no matter how many tears they would have to go through together.
“Mm! Killua!”
“Come on slowpoke I don’t have any bars here race you to the top?”
“Bars?”
“To tell Alluka about her new training partner of course!” Killua grins as he shoves his shoulder to Gon’s and starts racing up the incline.
Gon sputters before he follows with an eager, “Hey no fair!”
They reach the top of the mountain together. It’s a tie but they spend the next five minutes arguing about who won.
These types of things don’t just fade away. They leave scars and bruises and memories and hard work is needed.
Gon takes the outstretched hand and starts running full force again. Even if he trips up again Killua or Leorio or all the other people in his life will help him pick himself up.