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Buck walked into the locker room of the firehouse and groaned inwardly. He’d been hoping to avoid Eddie for as long as possible today, but there he was, just standing there, pulling a t-shirt over his (absolutely perfect) torso, hair sitting perfectly, two-day stubble, looking to Buck like something that had just walked out of a cologne ad in a magazine. He thought about walking out, waiting for Eddie to leave before he got changed, but as soon as he lifted his foot, the man caught his eye and gave him that dazzling smile, the one that always made his heart beat a little faster and his stomach flutter like he had swallowed a lepidopterarium. That was the fancy word for a butterfly house, a fact he’d learned while helping Christopher with his science homework the previous week.
“Hey, you feeling any better?” Eddie asked as he opened his locker, and Buck nodded, assuring him that it had just been a terrible hangover, and that it was his own fault for a) drinking that much, and b) forgetting that he wasn’t 21 anymore. Eddie just laughed, then pulled his phone out of his pocket and started to read the message he’d just gotten. Frowning, he slid it back in, and then turned back to his friend.
“Look, I’m sorry if I did something to make you uncomfortable the other night, or if I was out of line at all. I really can’t remember much and...” Buck trailed off. Two nights ago, they’d gone out for dinner, foregoing their usual Friday movie/gaming night since Christopher was at a sleepover for one of his friend’s birthdays. Dinner then led to a bar, and, when that closed, onto a nightclub. Eddie had protested a little, but eventually let Buck lead him to somewhere he assured him was “not filled with 21-year-olds" and played music that was more suited to people like them, in their early 30s. Once they’d gotten in, they started on some horrible tasting vodka shots that were being handed out like candy, and it got a little blurry after that. Buck had woken up in his loft with the fear that he’d done something so wrong that Eddie was never going to talk to him again. But when he checked his phone at 10am, he’d sent him a message.
Eddie: You OK?
Buck: Never drinking again!
Eddie: No wonder you’re hungover, you were wasted. Just going to Abuela’s, text me if you need anything.
Buck: Thanks.
That was the last time he’d spoken to the man, and he was still sure he’d crossed some kind of line in that club. Something at the back of his brain said that he had, but he didn’t know what it was. From the look on Eddie’s face, though, he was sure he was about to find out.
“Don’t worry about it.” He smiled, moving closer to Buck so that they could talk quietly, just in case Hen, or worse, Chimney came in. “I think my favourite part was when you said, ‘nice pants, but I think they’d look better on my bedroom floor’.” Buck groaned and pressed his chin to his chest in embarrassment.
“Oh God, Eddie, I’m so sorry. I, um, there’s no excuse for that. I’m sorry.” He mumbled, hoping that was all he had done. That was bad enough. But hearing a snort of laughter from in front of him, he knew that it wasn’t. “What else? Come on, I can take it.” He lied.
“Do you know that you're so clingy when you’re drunk? I swear I don’t think you left my side all night. Oh, and a woman asked you to dance, and you said, and I quote ‘I can’t, my husband is here’, and then you pointed at me.”
“I didn’t, did I?” Eddie nodded, still grinning, and Buck groaned again. “Again, I’m sorry. I’m never drinking like that again. Ever. I’m sorry.” He was sure he’d never stop apologizing for that one.
“It’s OK, you’re forgiven.” He pulled Buck into a hug, a reassurance that everything was fine between them. “And for the record, you could never be out of line when it comes to me.” He whispered, loud enough that only Buck could hear him. Pulling away, he closed his locker, paused, then looked Buck up and down for a second. He was staring at the floor, his cheeks glowing red, a shy smile playing on his lips. Buck knew that those words were probably payback for everything he’d said when he was drunk. The man had a mean streak. One night, after a few too many beers, he’d admitted that he loved making Buck blush, so he knew that he didn’t mean any of it. But it still felt good to hear.
Eddie cleared his throat as he turned to the door. “Get you out there when you’re ready.” Buck nodded and watched him leave. And if he stared at his ass for more than was entirely appropriate, no one had to know.
----------------
“OK, that’s all the announcements for today. Diaz, Buckley, can I see you both for a moment?” Bobby asked as soon as he’d finished addressing the entire crew. The two men glanced at each other, shrugged, and followed their captain to his office.
“Close the door and sit down, you two.” He ordered, and obediently, they sat on the chairs facing the desk, while Bobby sat on the other side. “Anything you want to share before we start?”
“Uh, start what?” Buck asked, but Bobby didn’t reply, just pulled his phone from his desk drawer, unlocked it, opened his messaging app, then scrolled down to find whatever he was looking for.
“Nothing at all you want to tell me?” Buck and Eddie glanced at each other, thoroughly confused. “OK.” Bobby sighed before placing his phone on the table and turning it around so that the two younger men could see the photo displayed on it. It was one of them in the club on Friday night/Saturday morning, taken from the dance floor. Eddie was leaning on the barrier above the dance floor, drunkenly watching everyone jump around. Buck was right behind him, arms wrapped around his waist, head resting on his shoulder, lips pressed to his flushed cheek, looking like he was kissing it. Come to think of it, he probably was. Buck had been very flirty, and Eddie, who was a weak man when it came to Buck normally, had completely lost his resolve as soon as alcohol was involved. Truth be told, he would have let Buck do anything he wanted to him that night.
Flashes of memories came back to him suddenly. Standing in the cool 3am air outside the club, Buck’s arm around his waist, hand resting on his hip, drunkenly yelling “maybe we could just...” before shaking his head vigorously and finishing with “never mind”.
“No, what?” Eddie had shouted back, his ears buzzing from the music in the club.
“Doesn’t matter, you should get home.” There was something off about him, a look in his eyes that Eddie couldn’t quite place at that moment. He didn’t have time to ask what was wrong, though, as a taxi showed up at that moment, and Buck all but pushed him into it, although not before giving him a quick peck on the lips. Eddie had been certain he was aiming for his cheek again but missed. Maybe Eddie had moved his head at the wrong moment, or maybe it was just the fact that Buck was so drunk that he probably couldn’t see straight.
“Text me when you get home.” Buck called as he closed the door from the outside, then something else, that Eddie didn’t hear properly. He didn’t remember much of the ride home, nor did he remember getting to bed, but he did remember running his thumb across his lips, as if the action would conjure up the memory of his friend’s kiss. He didn’t have time to wonder what it all meant, or what Buck had been about to suggest, because he was woken up from his daydream by the man’s voice coming from beside him.
“Wh-where did you get that?” Buck stammered, staring at the photo. Eddie couldn’t take his eyes off it either. He could remember roughly the time that it had been taken. The finer details were a little fuzzy, but the feeling was still there. Safe, warm, comforted. The lips on his cheek making him feel like maybe they could have something more, something that Eddie was desperate to have. If he was honest, he felt like they’d been tiptoeing around it for months, years even. Moments when they could have crossed the imaginary line between best friends and lovers but didn’t for various reasons.
A night after the lawsuit in Buck’s kitchen, Buck strutting towards him, holding his belt, the tension thick in the air. But Christopher was right there, and just had to turn his head to see them, so the “title” as Buck had offered to fight for, ended up being virtual. A video game as three of them jumped around Buck’s couch, shouting drowning out the clack of the buttons.
Christmas Day, when they had to work. Buck and Athena had arranged a party. Buck had held mistletoe, and Eddie had been more than a little hopeful, but Buck had looked at him in a strange, sort of longing, way, then made his way to Athena, kissing her on the cheek.
A night in El Paso, after they’d driven to Austin to help with the wildfires, sharing his childhood room with Buck before they headed back to L.A., both lying in his old bed, Eddie telling Buck about the town, Buck seeming to hang onto every word. Their eyes had met, Eddie’s hand involuntarily moved up, his thumb touched Buck’s birthmark, and then moved down to his cheek. He swallowed nervously, then, catching himself, he pulled away, muttering something about an eyelash.
“There was another Captain there, who messaged me saying they didn’t know you two were together. And I had to admit I didn’t either. So, how long has this been going on?” Eddie was the first one to look up. Bobby looked pissed. Really pissed.
“It’s not. We aren’t.” Buck muttered, pushing the phone back to their Captain. He’d stared at it far too long, and he was sure that Eddie was going to put two and two together at that very moment. “We were really drunk, and it was my fault. I got clingy and needy and…”
“And I let him.” Eddie finished quietly. “I mean, I get what it looks like, but...” He trailed off.
“We’re not together.” Buck murmured lamely, thinking of all the times he’d tried to make a move and it leading nowhere. They never would be together, he thought, suddenly, his heart aching in his chest, like it had been ripped apart by a pair of frozen hands.
“You’re not?” Bobby eyed the men suspiciously. Because that photo, and the dozen or so others he’d been sent, had made him almost certain. They’d always been close, almost ever since they met (they did not mention the start of that first shift, as far as any of them were concerned, it didn’t happen), but lately...lately he’d noticed things. Secret glances between them. Subtle touches in the rig. The two of them disappearing together and being found restocking the supply closet, or on the roof, watching the city go by, or in a dark corner of the bunk room, close enough that only they were privy to the conversation.
“No, we’re not.” Eddie echoed, not daring to look over at Buck, because he was almost sure the feeling of rejection that had suddenly overwhelmed him was reflected in his face.
“OK, just had to ask. Eddie, you can go, I need to talk to Buck about a training course.” Buck groaned at that. Training courses were almost always very long, very boring and extremely unnecessary.
“Close the door behind you and tell the others we’ll be down in a minute.” Eddie nodded, patted Buck on the shoulder and walked out of the room. As soon as Bobby was sure that he was gone, he turned back to the man in front of him.
“Nothing’s going on, then?” He asked, and Buck shook his head again. “So why did you look like someone had kicked a puppy in front of you when Eddie said it?”
“I’m...I’m trying to get over him.” He confessed quietly. Bobby looked back down at the photo still displayed on his phone.
“Looks like it.” He murmured. “You really should talk to him.” He didn’t tell Buck, but he’d noticed something else in one of those photos that Captain Brown had sent. The two of them were sat at a table, beers in front of them. Buck had his head thrown back, laughing hysterically at something, and Eddie...well Eddie was just staring at him with a soft look in his eyes, one that clearly said “I love you”.
“And say what? Hey, Eddie, guess what? I meant everything I said and did when I was drunk, because sober Buck is too fucking terrified to tell you that he’s so deeply in love with you that he can’t even begin to think about dating anyone else. It fucking sucks, Bobby. As much as I love Christopher, it kills me to babysit him while Eddie goes out on dates with women. Because I keep thinking about them, what they’re doing, whether they’re going to...” He shook his head, unable to even finish that sentence. The thought of him sleeping with some random woman was too much to even bear. Closing his eyes, he threw his head back, then blew out all the air in his lungs. Then he took a deep breath. “The other night, when we were out, I don’t remember much, I honestly don’t even remember much of being in the club. I mean, I remember going in, and I remember waiting for a cab outside afterwards and I...fuck!” He half-yelled. “Fuck!”
“What happened, Buck?” Bobby asked tentatively, unsure of whether he wanted to know what had happened between his two firefighters while under the influence of, what he was sure was, more alcohol than any man should be drinking. “It can’t be that bad, Buck. He’s still talking to you.”
“Because he might not remember. And if he does, I fucked up, Bobby. I almost asked him to come home with me. And I kissed him on the lips, just a little one, before I put him in his cab. Before I did something I’d knew I’d regret in the morning. Fuck. I almost ruined everything. And I don’t want to do that. Bobby, I don’t know what to do. I can’t talk to him. I mean, I know I can’t go on like this, but I can’t tell him that I love him either.”
“Wait, you love me?” Neither had noticed Eddie creeping back into the office to retrieve the phone he’d left sitting on the desk. But that was the last thing on his mind as he stared at the back of Buck’s head. Buck didn’t dare to turn around, he didn’t want to see that pitying look in his best friend’s eyes that he was sure was there.
“I’m gonna give you two a minute.” Bobby stood up and practically ran out of the door, slamming it shut behind him. Eddie was almost sure he would be standing right outside, listening in, though.
“Eds, don’t...just stay there don’t say anything. I’m sorry, OK? Can we forget this happened? Please?” Buck pleaded in a whisper, terrified. Now that it was out in the open, he had so much to lose. Their friendship was the only thing that kept him going sometimes, he couldn’t lose that. And Christopher. That kid meant the world to him, he couldn’t lose him either. That would kill him, maybe more so than losing Eddie.
“Since when?” Eddie ignored everything that Buck had just said and strode over to the chair he was currently sitting on. Kneeling in front of him, he took Buck’s hands in his own, and Buck didn’t even try to pull away, just sat there, staring at their intertwined fingers.
“I always have.” He eventually forced out. “Since the first time I saw you.” Eddie took a breath, the enormity of those words hitting him. It had been five years since he’d started at the 118. Buck had been in love with him for five years. Almost the same length of time that Eddie had been in love with Buck. How had he not known? He groaned inwardly as he thought back. The looks, the flirting, the touching, the...everything. It had been so fucking obvious. But Eddie had been so caught up in his own feelings, he hadn’t realised that Buck felt the same way. It had never occurred to him that he might. “But it doesn’t matter, because you don’t feel the same, so I’ll just get over it. Can we go back to just being friends?”
“No!” Eddie almost yelled. Buck’s head shot up, and his watery blue eyes caught the sparkling brown ones in front of him. His eyes begged Eddie’s to take that back, to agree to his proposal. If they couldn’t be together, at least let them go back to how they were. Buck could live with that; he could survive being in the “friend” category. Sure, his heart might break every time he saw the man, but it’d get better with time, and eventually he’d find someone else.
Lowering his voice to a whisper, Eddie squeezed Buck’s hands. “We can’t go back to just being friends. Because I want us to be so much more than that. I want to be with you. I want to wake up in bed every morning beside you, fall asleep in your arms every night. I want to go out on dates, proper dates, where I can hold your hand, kiss you...Can...can I kiss you now?” Buck felt his mouth drop in astonishment, and Eddie let out a small giggle. “Is that a yes?” Buck nodded, unable to find any words in his brain. He could swear that it had turned to mush in his head. Without any hesitation, Eddie pulled himself up until their eyes were level, licked his lips, and leaned in until they were around an inch apart. Closing his eyes, he moved closer and softly pressed his lips to Buck’s. He wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that, exploring each other’s mouths like unchartered territory, but eventually he pulled away and placed his hand on the other man’s shoulder. Just like he’d done all those years before when he tried to tell him how much he meant to him, to them. That the three of them, him, Buck and Christopher were family. Staring into those blue eyes, he felt himself break into a grin. Some shuffling and quiet voices came from behind the door. He glanced over at it, then pulled himself up onto his feet.
“For the record, I think I’ve always loved you too.” He whispered, then leaned down and planted a kiss on the top of Buck’s head. “Alright, you can come in now!”
The door opened slightly, and Bobby squeezed in through the gap, trying not to let them know that Hen, Chimney and Ravi were there, listening. Looking at the two of them expectantly, he watched as Eddie stood behind Buck and laid both hands on his shoulders.
“Well?”
“Well, Captain, we feel we should let you know about a change in our relationship...”