Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Ahhh, shit. Where’s Buttons gone?

I told you. He’s a seagull.

What, really??

Yeah man.

I thought that was just a metaphor.

Nope. Feathers and all.

You’re sure?

Almost flew straight into my face.

Wow. Good for him, I guess.

He seemed really into it.

Huh!

I think it’s a positive change.

...Huh.

You don’t believe me?

No, I- I do.

Mm.

Only, it is a bit-

Whoa, hey, what the hell is this?

Ah, Pete! I was-

What’s going on?

Blackbeard’s back.

Oh, what?

Guys!

Oh this is not on.

There are rules, man.

That’s what sets us apart from the animals.

Well that and clothes.

No, no, I've seen plenty of animals in clothes.

Oh, hm.

I knew a monkey once, used to wear the most elegant evening gowns you ever saw.

Were they human sized, or-

No, they were monkey-sized. Beautifully tailored.

Oh wow.

Yeah, she really knew how to flaunt it.

Guys! Hey! Could we maybe get back to the issue at hand?

Fine. What the fuck’s Blackbeard doing here?

Ah, well, you see, there’ve been some... extenuating circumstances.

Wait. Where's Buttons?

Ah...

Yeah, hang on. Buttons went on shore with you, and you came back with Blackbeard...

Not a good look, mate.

Yes, well. There’s a... perfectly reasonable explanation for that. Isn’t there, Ed?

Oh yeah.

...

...

Which is?

Buttons has... turned into a bird, I'm afraid.

What.

Did he now?

Oh my goddd.

Hey hey hey! It’s true!

Oh. And did you see this... transformation?

Well. No. Not first hand.

Oh come on!

Lord have mercy.

But Ed did! And I... I trust his judgement.

Seriously??

Hey okay, I admit, it’s a little... weird. But let’s be honest, Buttons has always been a bit of a weird guy.

That is true.

And he’d been talking nonstop all day about wanting to be a bird, you all heard him! I don't think it’s completely out of the realm of possibilities that he made some sort of... breakthrough.

Yeah, okay, that all makes sense. Except for one thing.

What’s that?

It’s not possible!

Come on, what's the alternative? That Ed killed him?

Yes!

One hundred per cent.

Oh my god yes.

Not a shred of doubt in my mind.

What reason would he have? Everyone loves Buttons! Right, Ed? I seem to remember you two getting on famously!

Oh, oh yeah. Lovely guy. Granted, he smelled like an old fish, and I definitely saw his dick more than I’ve ever seen my own-

Yes alright

Pretty sure he gave me fleas-

Alright! Ed, thank you.

Was scratching for days...

Be that as it may, you had no reason to murder the man, did you?

Fuck no.

There! I’m convinced.

Captain...

Oh you poor man.

Look. Here's the deal. Blackbeard had accommodations lined up for the evening, but unfortunately those have fallen through.

Does that have anything to do with all the flames and smoke coming from the island?

Believe it or not, it does.

Does it, now?

Hey! I was there, I saw the whole thing, and I promise you, Ed had nothing to do with that. Now, it's getting quite late, and he has nowhere to go tonight that isn’t actively on fire, do you Ed?

Ah. Nope. None that I can think of.

See?

Hmmmm

So, here's my pitch. One more night-

Auughh

Nooo, man.

Absolutely not!

Come on, please? He’ll stay in my cabin. I won’t let him out of my sight. You have my word.

And what if he kills you?

Pfft. He wouldn’t do that!

Uh huh.

Didn’t he headbutt you this morning?

Come on, that was ages ago! We’ve had it all out since then, haven’t we?

Yeah, we have.

Riiight. And was that before or after the place you were supposed to stay caught on fire?

Sort of... during, right?

Yeah, pretty much... in media res.

Yeah.

Right. I’ve heard enough. How bout you lads?

Yeahh, that’s gonna be a no from me.

Oh, what?? No! Come on, guys??

Sigh.

Pete! Not you too?

I mean... yeah?

Could you at least put it round to the rest of the crew? Perhaps hold a vote?

I... look, I can try, but honestly? I kinda think us three are the best you were gonna get.

Ugh, really?

Lucius has actually been chain smoking more since the banishment.

Well maybe that’s a good sign!

I don’t know...

Look, can you at least ask around? Maybe the crew will surprise you.

Okay, we literally asked everybody this morning and-

I know, I know. Just. Ask. Please.

...I’ll try.

Thank you.

...

...

You feeling good about this?

Definitely.