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you’re an angel, i’m a dog
sirius remembered thinking that remus had hung the moon and stars. the feeling struck him just two weeks after their first kiss. james had jinxed snape in the hallway, and the boy’s greasy hair began growing rapidly toward the floor. slughorn began running toward them, and the four of them took off running toward the great lawn, hysterical with laughter. they collapsed into a heap in the grass, rolling around and laughing. sirius’ gaze landed on remus, who was laying on his back and giggling. he was warm and angelic and his face looked perfect. sirius remembered thinking that remus was entirely too good for him, and always would be.
or you’re a dog and i’m your man
moony respected padfoot more than prongs or wormtail. padfoot was there to distract moony, to play with him. as padfoot, sirius could get the redirect the attention of the wolf, getting him to stop hurting prongs or himself. sirius always felt a profound sense of pride when the wolf listened to him, and he took pleasure in it. this wolf that tore up remus, that destroyed him once a month, belonged to padfoot. when remus transitioned back and was left a shivering heap on the floor, sirius occasionally wondered if he remembered that feeling of deference.
i destroy you like i am
sirius was, at his core, self-destructive. he liked to fight with remus, liked to see how far he could push his lover. he was reared on fighting, after all— raised on worst insults and selfish manipulation and kicks to the stomach. when he was young, he thought this was love. he thought walburga’s blows when his posture wasn’t good enough or he didn’t use the right fork at dinner or he had the wrong expression on his face meant she cared about him, meant she wanted what was best for him.
and so, years removed from believing his mother loved him at all, sirius picked fights with remus. he made demands and held expectations that he knew remus couldn’t live up to. if remus was late to meeting him, for whatever reason, sirius fought. if remus looked at someone else for too long, sirius fought. if remus didn’t kiss him the right way or hold him the right way, sirius fought. their arguments became legendary in gryffindor house for their loud, violent nature. thrown books and screams at the top of their lungs and the like. james and peter learned to leave the room whenever their voices became raised.
sirius attempted to keep remus on a leash, because that was what his mother did to him. when that didn’t work, sirius tore him apart with his teeth.
i’m sorry i’m the one you love
remus caught on, eventually, and called sirius out on all of his bullshit. he read sirius like a book. he knew that sirius grew up thinking love meant violence and control, knew that walburga treated sirius like a dog to be hit on the nose when it barked too loud. but it still wasn’t fair, remus had said. sirius knew his parents were pure evil, so why was he trying so hard to be like them? why did he want to love the way his mother pretended to love? didn’t he know his mother didn’t love him?
sirius felt the words caught in his throat. he didn’t know how to explain. his mother was his mother. she gave birth to him, she was the first touch sirius ever knew, her blood ran in sirius’ veins. he would never be able to escape that. no matter how far he ran, he would always carry his father’s name. he couldn’t explain that violence was a part of him. so instead, he apologized. remus accepted it, thinking it was for sirius’ behavior, but that wasn’t entirely true. sirius was apologizing for being a black, for being the person that he was, and for being the one remus fell in love with.
no one will ever love me like you again
after their first time, sirius realized remus was the only person who loved him. there was james, sure, but that love always carried a slight distance brought on by its platonic nature. in his whole life, remus was the only person who treated him with care, who touched him gently, who kissed the tears off his cheeks. wrapped up in remus' warm arms, sirius resigned to the fact that he was ultimately unloveable. there was something wrong with remus for putting up with him. he would wake up, one day, and realize what a deeply corrupted person sirius was. remus would leave, eventually, and find a good person that deserved his love. sirius would be left to remember.
so, when you leave me, i should die / i deserve it, don't i?
sirius knew that remus would leave, and he knew what would come after. he came to this realization after christmas their fifth year. walburga had grown furious at seeing regulus tending to the gash from walburga's ring on his cheek. she spent the break reminding sirius constantly that regulus could not possibly love sirius, because sirius was unloveable. he was a disgusting shell of a person who ruined everything he touched, and he had nothing going for him in life.
so, after seeing and hugging his friends and his boyfriend, sirius resolved to die once remus left him. remus would realize that everything walburga said about sirius was true— that he wasn't capable of love or being loved and wasn't worth the air he breathed— and he would leave. and sirius would have nothing left to do besides die. that was what was always going to happen. he didn't deserve to keep living.
i can feel it gettin' near / like flashlights comin' down the way
they started fighting again. remus was growing irritable, like sirius' very presence was an inconvenience. he didn't like how much sirius talked when they were trying to do work, didn't like that sirius wanted to spend lunch alone together, didn't like when sirius asked to share a bed too many nights in a row. sirius knew that it as coming, could feel it in the way remus would remove sirius hand on his shoulder or chastise him for too much public affection. like the tide going out, sirius thought. nothing could be done to stop it. remus would leave him soon.
one day, you'll figure me out
sirius stopped sleeping when he shared a bed with remus in favor of watching him sleep. he wanted to savor every fleeting moment. remus was catching on to who sirius really was; he was starting to smell the blood of the house of black on him. sirius didn't like to sleep because he knew that one morning, remus would wake up and be done with it. he wouldn't be able to put up with sirius' imperfections anymore. he'd realize that sirius was disgusting and not worthy of love. so sirius stayed awake, as a means to stave off this inevitable morning, and watched remus' chest rise and fall.
i'll meet judgment by the hounds
the wolf was growing more violent. it didn't defer to padfoot like it used to. sirius knew only a little about pack dynamics, something about it seeing padfoot's weakness and trying to assert itself as alpha. the wolf would pick him up, toss him around, bite him until prongs rammed him with his antlers and pushed him off. james even suggested that sirius sit out the next couple moons because, although remus didn't know, the wolf seemed particularly angry at padfoot. sirius refused. he liked the welts and bruises left on his skin.
people always gave me love / others were never to blame at all
sirius thought of everyone who’d ever said they loved him. remus, james, peter, james’ mother once, and regulus— though sirius doubted there was much truth in that last one. he thought of everyone who disliked or even hated him— he was fairly confident lily could be included on that list, along with snape, his parents, and regulus. he wondered if those people would be happy when they realized they were on the right side of things. his parents and regulus, definitely, and probably snape, too. he wondered if lily would say i told you so when sirius inevitably ruined their friendship, or james woke up like remus will. he wondered how those who claimed to love him would cope with the guilt of it.
you believe me like a god
remus cried when sirius finally broke and told him all of this. they’d been fighting about how sirius wanted to share a bed for the third night in a row. remus claimed he needed his space, especially with the moon so soon, and sirius finally cracked and begged remus to just be honest and admit that he didn’t deserve love. remus broke down crying, holding sirius close and explaining how he worshipped the ground sirius walked on. he swore that he loved sirius with all of his being and hoped that sirius would realize that his parents were wrong. he pleaded with sirius to believe him. sirius lied and said that he did, and remus cried more and kissed all over sirius’ face and promised that he loved him. sirius thought remus was either naive or an excellent actor.
i betray you like a man
maybe sirius just wanted to prove himself right. a small part of him felt satisfied when remus yelled and screamed at him after, when he cursed sirius for breaking his trust and telling snape to go to the whomping willow. he said that sirius was right, after all, that he was just like his parents and unworthy of being loved. he threw things at sirius and for once, sirius just took it. he let remus say in detail all the ways he hated sirius and would never love him again. sirius thought quietly, to himself, finally.