Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Ever since the founding of the Kingdom, class had been very important. It determined what you wore, what you ate, who you talked to, where you lived, your entire life. To some people it was the most important part of their identity even above other things like religion. You were born in the class where you were and that’s where your family stayed. Everyone knew where they fell, who was above them and who was below them.

But what was talked about less was that there were hierarchies within those classes. A noble family with more connection to Gloreth outranked those that didn’t. A middle class family with a summer house would brag to those who couldn’t afford it. A poor man who could eat every day was the envy of those who couldn’t. It was difficult to articulate but everyone felt it in one way or another. It was very rare that anyone ever moved in the social hierarchy but when they did, it could either be a miracle… or a curse.

Hans Blitzmeyer was one of those few people who found himself with a streak of bad luck. He came from a lower middle class family and had become a handyman after highschool. He was quite skilled and had made a respectable sum of money. But that was before everything changed. He made the choice to go out drinking with some buddies one night; it had seemed harmless enough at the time but that was the beginning of the end. The pub had a card table set up, a dealer beginning a round of poker. The cards fascinated him and the chance to multiply his money was too tempting to pass up.

It quickly became a pastime for him. The turn of the deck and the clack of the chips was addicting. As his funds went down, his frustration went up. If he could win this next hand, he would be ok. If he could win this next hand, he would be ok. If he could win this next hand… He turned to drinking to take the edge off the sting of his losses. He found momentary comfort in the arms of lovers, the pleasure much needed after the pain. It was a self destructive lifestyle but he couldn’t bring himself to care anymore.

Several months into this downward spiral, a much needed reality check hit him like a slap in the face. A lower class woman, Hawa Diallo, he slept with several weeks ago tracked him down and delivered the devastating news that she was pregnant. Just his fucking luck. He tried to get out of it but she kept following him, appearing around every corner. Reluctantly, he accepted responsibility.

He sat down one night and, running a hand down his gruff face, got his life in order. They were married four months before the baby was due in a hurried, slapped together ceremony. Family members in the audience whispered about the crime of conceiving out of wedlock but he ignored them. They got a tiny three room apartment in the poor part of town; it was all they could afford. He tried his best to resist his itch for the table and the bottle and only slipped up… sometimes.

The baby was a beautiful bouncing girl who had her mother’s skin and her father’s nose. Neither side of the family were happy with this but screw them, she wasn’t their daughter. He started taking jobs again and Hawa got a job as a seamstress, both of them providing the new family a small but steady income.

Things could be a lot better but they could be a whole lot worse too. As they settled into this new normal, he would look around at the end of a long day of work and see his wife, the woman he barely knew, and his daughter, a strange little person he made who liked to reorder her bookshelf every two days, and think that maybe this wasn’t so bad. He could live this way.

—

Bilal Boldheart shut the door to his house with a sigh. He slumped against the door but only had a second of peace before his son came running into his arms.

“Hey,” Bilal said with a smile. “How are you? What did you do today?”

“I helped Ammi cook dinner,” Ballister said, beaming up at him. He was missing a tooth. “We also rode the entire C, Q, and 6 lines!”

“That’s great,” Bilal said, rustling his hair. He turned to kiss his wife who had come up to greet him. “Did you make a lot of sales?”

“Not that many,” she sighed. “It works better when people see him holding the boxes though. His big sad eyes work wonders.”

Ballister sat at their folding table and swung his legs. Other kids his age would have started school a year ago but he helped his mother work during the day. They bought big boxes of candy bars then resold them to people on the subway. He had been coming with her since he had been old enough to hold his head up but now he was big enough to carry the boxes and stand next to her. It was a lot of walking and almost begging for people to buy something but he had learned every stop on the KTA lines and had seen the whole Kingdom.

His dad worked hard too. He had a bike taxi service where people could sit in a decorated carriage attached to the back of a blue bike and he would take them around the city. Sometimes it was to a specific destination, sometimes it was as a tour of a new area but he would spend hours sitting in parks and outside theaters, ringing his bell to get people’s attention. Ballister thought it was pretty cool, being able to meet new people and see new sights every day.

His dad sat down at the table with a heavy sigh. “I did something today that you probably won’t like, Rida.”

His wife whipped around, holding the pot of thin soup that was their dinner. “What? What did you do?”

“You know the Blitzmeyers…?”

She set the pot down on the table with a huff. “The fornicators, yes. I would say I feel bad for Hawa but she really brought it upon herself. Her husband is a weasel.”

“Well… Hans, the husband, got in my carriage today. Paid me twice my usual rate to hear him out on a proposition…”

“No. Whatever it is, we say no.”

Ballister looked in between his parents. “What’s happening?”

Bilal ignored him. “He proposed… a union.”

“No! No, we say no!” Rida brought her hand down on the table. “We have a good family name, we don’t need them besmirching it! We are well respected in the community; we are kind, we help others, we are faithful to Allah, we don’t need them dragging us down.”

“I know, I know, but we do need money. We would have to pay the mahr at the wedding but he said he would be willing to pay the dowry now. And it’s true they are a shameful family but they’ve also got quite a bit more money than us.” He took her hand. “When we’re old, piyar, we won’t have to work ourselves to the bone anymore. We’ll have our son and our well-off daughter-in-law to take care of us.”

“Who’s getting married?” Ballister asked.

His mom glanced at him before sighing. “But he’s so young!”

“This is just an agreement. The contract would come later. Think about it. We’ll have to scrounge and save years down the road, yes, but all three of us will be better off in the short term and in the far future.”

Rida turned to Ballister. “Beta… how would you feel–”

Her question was cut off by a loud grumble from Ballister’s stomach. He smiled apologetically and raised his spoon to his mouth. The soup was almost completely a thin watery broth that tasted like salt.

Rida sat back in her chair, defeated. Her gaze drifted from her hungry child, who never complained that there wasn’t enough to eat but failed at hiding his rumbling tummy, to the rest of their home. It was a one room apartment that always seemed to be falling apart no matter how many times they fixed it. The kitchen was really a kitchenette and they had set up their sleeping mats on the floor in the corner to let Ballister sleep on the cot. She hid her face as tears of embarrassment and shame welled up in her eyes.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Bilal comforted her, rubbing circles on the back of her hand. “It’s ok.”

“Ammi, what’s wrong?” Ballister asked, worry seizing his heart. He climbed up into her lap and she held him close, running a hand through his shaggy hair. “Are you ok?”

She sniffed, took a deep breath, then smiled at him despite the tears still in her eyes. “I’m fine, beta, don’t worry about me. You’re such a sweet boy.”

She kissed his head. “...Tell Hans we’ll do it but if he asks an outrageous amount for the mahr, we’re not signing.”

Bilal smiled. “Of course. I’ll tell him tomorrow.”

Rida sighed. “He’s probably trying to swindle us.”

“Maybe… but we don’t have a ton of options anymore.”

—

It was Saturday and Ballister was in his best clothes sitting in the house of a stranger. His mother had explained it to him; he was going to marry a very pretty girl when he grew up and he was going to meet her today so he had to be on his best behavior.

He looked around from where he sat at their wooden table –a wooden table instead of a folding card table! Wow!– and surveyed their house. It was nice he supposed. Their kitchen was bigger but was still in the living room and there was a couch with a blanket on it in front of a TV. The place was the biggest house he had ever seen.

“To our new family and new wealth!” Hans toasted, holding his glass up. They all clinked glasses. Hans was the only one with champagne but they all took a sip from their cups anyways.

“I’m so glad we were able to come to an agreement that satisfies everyone,” Bilal said. “This is truly a joyous occasion.”

“Indeed, indeed.”

“Does anyone need anything?” Hawa asked. “More food?”

“Yes, your fish is to die for,” Rida said with a smile. “What did you say this dish was called again?”

“Thieboudienne,” she said, serving more onto her plate. “It’s whitefish, rice, sweet potato, and netetou.”

“Well, you’ll have to give me the recipe some time.”

“Of course, of course!” Hawa sat back down and frowned at her daughter who was squirming in the seat next to her. “Meredith, why aren’t you eating?”

“I don’t like sweet potatoes,” Meredith said. “It hurts my head.”

Hawa sighed. “A potato can’t hurt your head, now eat.”

Meredith sighed and slouched down in her seat. Ballister regarded her. She had a huge afro of curly black hair that pushed around her face but he could see she wasn’t enjoying this dinner either. It was boring. He tried to catch her eye but she was staring grumpily down at her plate, pushing the food around with a spoon.

The night dragged on and on, the adults talking about who knows what; boring adult things probably. Ballister zoned out, thinking about a massive rat he saw through the subway window the other day and wondering what it would be like if he shrank so he could ride it. It would be pretty awesome. He could tame the rest of the rats and make an army. He would be the coolest kid in town and everyone would want to be his friend.

“Meredith!” Hawa suddenly shouted, scaring Ballister from his thoughts. “That’s enough!”

Meredith shrank down in her seat, guiltily avoiding her mother’s eyes. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I was trying to be quiet, I–”

“But I could still hear you! You’ve been making that humming noise for the last forty minutes and I’m sick of it! It’s driving me insane! You’re lucky there are guests here or I’d beat your ass. Go to your room; you can rejoin us when you want to sit quietly.”

Ballister could see the tears in Meredith’s eyes as she quietly pushed her chair in. “Wait,” he asked, “you have your own room?”

“Uh… yeah?” Meredith sniffled.

“Wooaahh. That’s so cool! I sleep with my parents. You must be rich.”

“Aheh heh heh,” Bilal nervously laughed. “It’s actually getting late, we better get going.”

“Right, of course,” Hans said, standing.

He walked them to the door and waited for them to put their shoes and coats on before one more round of pleasantries were exchanged. The cold night air prickled against Ballister’s skin and, for a moment, he wished dinner was still going so he would have an excuse to go back into the light warmth of their home. But his father took his hand and led him out into the night.

–

Almost a week after their dinner party, Ballister saw Meredith again. It was a sunny Friday afternoon and people were filing out of the mosque, chatting and catching up with each other. Meredith held her mother’s hand while going down the steps, her hijab struggling to contain the sheer volume of hair she had.

“Oh, it’s Hawa and Meredith!” Rida said, following his eyeline. “You should go say hi.”

“I don’t really want to,” he mumbled.

“Cmon, it’ll be fine,” his mother hummed, walking over to them. “Hawa!”

Hawa turned in surprise before smiling at them. “Ah, As-Salam-u-Alaikum!”

“Wa Alaikum Assalam.”

“How are you? How was your week?” Hawa asked.

“Same old, same old, you know how it goes.”

Hawa nodded and hummed in agreement.

“Ballister, say hi,” Rida prompted.

“As-Salam-u-Alaikum,” he mumbled. “How are you?”

“Wa Alaikum Assalam, I’m good,” Hawa laughed. “So polite.”

“Well, we try. Say hi to Meredith,” Rida said.

Ballister looked at the girl his mom said he had to marry. She quickly dropped his gaze and absently traced the bright geometric patterns on her dress. Ballister tried to imagine the future his ammi had described to him; he would be spending the rest of his life with her, living with her, having their own kids, and even doing gross grownup things like kissing. He tried not to let his disgust show on his face. He didn’t want to kiss her!

“Hi,” he said.

She nodded.

There was an awkward pause before Rida sighed. “He’s so shy, this one. It’s like pulling teeth trying to get him to talk sometimes.”

“We have the opposite problem, Meredith doesn’t know when to be quiet! She’ll talk for hours about her books if we let her.”

Bilal ran up. “Sorry, sorry, I’m here now. Amir needed some advice on how to fix his heater so I was telling him what we did last year. Hello, Hawa, As-Salam-u-Alaikum. How are you?”

“As-Salam-u-Alaikum. I’m doing well. If he needs someone to fix it, Hans is excellent at heaters.”

“Oh no, I think he’ll be ok. We came up with a pretty clever trick that only used a bit of duct tape but it fixed it for the whole winter. Is Hans here though?”

“No, no. He doesn’t come with us on Fridays.” Hawa’s face got stony and Meredith nervously glanced up at her.

“Oh. Well, give him our regards,” Bilal said.

“Of course. Have a good week,” Hawa said, cheer forcing itself back into her voice.

They turned to leave and Meredith glanced behind her at Ballister. She gave a little wave. He was too slow to return it, only raising his hand after she had turned her back to him again.

—

Time went on and Ballister found himself spending a lot more time with Meredith than he originally expected. They eventually warmed up to each other and became quite good friends.

Their families would have dinner once a month and Ballister and Meredith got into the habit of excusing themselves from the table early and looking at Meredith’s books. She would disappear into her room and come back with an armful of books. They would sit on the living room floor and carefully arrange them in rows all around them. Ballister loved the feeling of hard sturdy covers under his fingers and tried to copy the same careful touches Meredith used when handling them. She would move them like they were holy; he didn’t want to accidentally ruin them.

After all the books were displayed, she would dramatically flourish and ask him which one he wanted to read today. He would pick one and she would sit next to him so they could both see the pictures. Ballister knew how to read a little bit, his baba had started teaching him, but he was nowhere near Meredith’s level. She would read to him, excitedly interjecting related facts she knew. Ballister found it all fascinating.

Sometimes, they would take turns reading; it turned into a kind of game. He would read a word then she would read a word. They would go faster and faster until someone fumbled or they finished the book. Ballister usually lost but he did have to admit it was exhilarating. The speed and excited anticipation got his heart racing. The first time they made it to the end of a book without him messing up, Meredith had shot up and jumped for joy, giving him a very enthusiastic round of applause. She was shushed by her parents and quickly sat back down but they giggled behind their hands and high fived each other.

As they got older, the books got harder. They would sit side by side, pulling the book closer and closer to their faces until their noses were almost literally in the book.

“They!” Meredith shouted.

“Want!” Ballister countered with no hesitation.

“You!”

“To!”

“Ap- apple? Appeal!” She corrected her mistake quickly but it was too late. “Appeal! It says appeal!”

“You messed up! You messed up!” Ballister exclaimed. “I won! I won! I won!!!!”

“No, no you didn’t! I fixed it!”

“You can’t fix it, you messed up!” He got up and danced around a bit. “I won!!”

“Beta! Please!” Rida chided from the table. “Some of us are trying to have conversations we can’t hear over all your shouting.”

“Sorry,” he said. He was sheepish for a second but it was short lived, his joy winning out. “But, Ammi, I finally won! I won the book game!”

Meredith huffed, standing up next to him. “Yeah, only one time. I’ve won every other time.”

He gave her a shiteating grin. “Well, maybe I’m coming for your title.”

“Ugh!” she shrieked. “You can’t do that! You can’t do that!”

“Meredith, calm down,” Hans said. “He’s won once. You’ve won hundreds of times. Let him have this.”

“But–”

“No, I don’t want to hear it. You need to learn not to be a sore loser.”

She stomped away and sat down with her book, holding it tightly to her chest, and glaring at the floor. Ballister felt a little bad; he didn’t want to upset her. But also he did win fair and square so he didn’t feel that bad.

—

When Meredith turned nine, Ballister gave her a tube of plastic dinosaurs. They were the dollar store ones that were obnoxiously neon colored which he was pretty sure was very scientifically inaccurate. He was a little nervous when he gave them to her but she was overjoyed. She squealed and waved her hands through the air before ripping the tube open. She dumped them all out then started excitedly organizing them by carnivore or herbivore. Ballister laid on his stomach next to her and helped.

Once they had figured out the dinosaur demographics, Ballister picked up a bright yellow stegosaurus. “His name is Carl.”

“Aaaanndd…” Meredith’s hand drifted back and forth over the line up. Finally she grabbed an unnaturally red pterodactyl. “This one’s name is…”

“Susan,” Ballister nodded.

Meredith glanced at the dinosaur. “She does look like a Susan. Ok. And they live by the sea because Susan needs to eat the fish. She’s friends with Carl because sometimes he helps her hunt by stabbing the fish with his tail spikes.”

Susan and Carl went on a grand adventure that ended with Carl falling into a volcano and Susan sacrificing all of the other dinosaurs to the volcano gods to get her friend back. Ballister pointed out that was evil and mean; the other dinosaurs didn’t do anything wrong. Meredith said that grief had corrupted her mind and to just go with it. Ballister still wasn’t sure but Carl was revived and reunited with his friend.

After Ballister went home, Meredith lined all the dinosaurs up on a shelf in her room. Except Susan and Carl. They were carefully placed on her nightstand so she could look at them while she drifted off to sleep.

For his ninth birthday, Meredith got Ballister a wooden sword. He had decided that he wanted to be a knight and would follow them around —from a distance— and copied their heroic poses and commanding tone of voice. When Meredith handed it to him, she thought his eyes were going to fall out, they got so wide.

“This… this is for me?” he asked.

“Yeah! I asked my dad to make it for you! Do you like it?”

“Yes!! Yes, I like it so much!! Thank you, thank you! Ammi! Ammi, look what Meredith gave me!!”

He ran off to show his mom and spent the next hour jumping around the house, striking poses and fighting imaginary monsters. Meredith tried to join his game but he was completely in his own world so Rida showed her how to make bracelets instead. It was fun she supposed but she wished she was playing with her friend.

Ballister was almost never seen without that sword again. He took it with him everywhere; to bed, to school, to the bath. It was his favorite thing in the world.

—

That was the sword Ballister brandished when he hopped the Institute gates and declared he was here to protect the realm at the age of ten.

It was all an anxiety ridden blur after that. He was tackled by knights, forcefully brought to a holding cell, brought to The Director’s office, and absolutely chewed out. He stopped listening after a certain point but he was sure he was going to spend the rest of his life in jail… or worse. His parents would be so upset. He would never be able to see them again. He wanted to go home, he wanted to go home.

It was an absolutely blubbering and sobbing child, clutching his wooden sword for dear life, that got brought before the Queen. His fate was going to be decided now and the anticipation was killing him.

The Queen rose from her desk and knelt in front of the chair he was unceremoniously dumped in.

“Hello.” Her voice was comforting and Ballister did his best to compose himself. “What’s your name?”

He sniffed; a disgusting wet sound. “Ballister Boldheart.”

“Ballister. Why are you here?”

He wiped his tears on his tattered sleeve. “It’s stupid. You’ll laugh at me.”

“What? I won’t laugh at you.”

“While I was waiting they laughed at me.”

Her brow furrowed. “Who?”

“The knights. They said that it was hilarious and— and— and they couldn’t wait to see what you did to me!” Another wave of tears overtook him. “Please, don’t send me to jail! I don’t want to go to jail! I want to go hooooommee!”

She pulled out a handkerchief from some hidden pocket in her dress and offered it to him. He hesitated but took it; it would be rude not to. She said, “You’re not going to jail, Ballister. I just want to know why you’re here.”

“I— I want to be a knight.”

“Oh.” That was clearly not the answer she was expecting.

“See, it’s stupid, it’s so stupid, I’ll go home now.”

“No, no, no. It’s alright. You must have a pretty big passion for this if you were willing to break into the Institute to get it.”

He glanced up at her through his hair. “…Yes.”

She walked back to her desk and thought for a moment before turning back to him with a smile. “You know, Ballister, I’ve been looking for someone like you for a long time. Here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to send you home with this.”

She pulled out a creamy white paper and the fanciest pen Ballister had ever seen and wrote something in beautiful loopy cursive.

“You aren’t going to open it until you get home and you’re going to protect it with everything you’ve got, ok? Your first royal mission. Show it to your parents. I’ll be sending a messenger by tomorrow for their response.”

She put the letter in a thick envelope and sealed it with the royal seal. When she handed it to him it was heavy and smooth in his hands. It reminded him of Meredith’s books.

“Woah…” he wondered.

She chucked a bit to herself. “Yes, woah. I look forward to hearing your response, Ballister Boldheart.”

—

“No, he doesn’t come from a noble bloodline but he might just have the heart of a hero.”

Meredith stated at the TV in disbelief. What was going on??

“Great news!” her dad said, putting his phone in his pocket. “I just got off the phone with Bilal and the marriage is still on! Can you believe our luck??”

Meredith turned to face him. “So Ballister’s living at the Institute now?”

“Yeah, they’re going to train him to become a knight. An actual knight! Isn’t this fantastic? We’re going to be rich!”

“Why is it always about money with you?” Hawa asked. “This is the first time in history that a commoner has been able to become a knight and you're thinking about your bank account.”

“Well, honey, it’s your bank account too, let's not forget that.”

“I’m just saying you could–”

Meredith turned back to the TV, tuning them both out. This was insane. It was like the world had flipped upside down. She was going to be the wife of a knight. She would be somebody when she grew up; an actual important person that people cared about. It would be her and Ballister against the world. What did the wives of knights even do? They probably didn’t hem pants and wash dishes like her mother did.

She tucked her knees up to her chest. This was a very big change very quickly. She wanted everything to go back to normal. Not that she wasn’t happy for him, no, she knew how much he wanted this and was so happy he got it, but… she wanted her friend back.

Chapter Text

July 10th, 2007 2:13 PM

Meredith: Hello!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Meredith: How are you
Meredith: this is meredith by the way my parents finally got me a phone
Meredith: i got your phone number from your parents
Meredith: 🙈🙉🙊
Meredith: look it’s some monkeys
Meredith: 🤯
Meredith: 👽
Meredith: 😹
Meredith: this is so cool
July 10th, 2007 4:47 PM
Ballister: hello
Ballister: 😁

December 11th, 2007 3:21 PM

Ballister: so what type of science would u do
Meredith: idk yet. I’ll figure it out
Ballister: i think engineering’s pretty cool
Meredith: ig
Meredith: i was thinking biology
Meredith: i want to find a new species and name it after myself lol
Ballister: that would be so cool
Meredith: maybe i can find a whole bunch and name one after you too
Ballister: !!!!!!!
Ballister: yes pls
Meredith: your creature would a species of field mouse
Meredith: or a bird of prey
Meredith: but i think we know all those already. A new mouse is probably easier to find
Ballister: i don’t want to be a mouse!
Ballister: make me smth cool like a big cat
Meredith: oh i was going to say a warty frog lol
Meredith: or a turtle
Ballister: no!!!!! Make me cool!!!!!
Meredith: we’ll see lol

February 17th, 2008 6:34 PM

Ballister: todd pushed me down a flight of stairs today
Meredith: what?????????
Meredith: are you ok??????
Ballister: yeah
Ballister: i hate him so much
Ballister: he only picks on me bc i’m a commoner
Ballister: he says i don’t belong her
Ballister: *here
Meredith: don’t listen to him
Meredith: you are going to be such a great knight
Meredith: he’s only doing that bc he knows ur kicking his ass in every subject
Ballister: ik
Meredith: did you tell the director?
Ballister: she doesn’t care
Ballister: but what if he’s right
Ballister: i don’t belong here
Ballister: i want to go home
Meredith: you shouldn’t have to leave
Meredith: that’s what he wants. You can’t let him win! You have to prove him wrong!
Ballister: ik
Ballister: everybody’s expecting me to win
Ballister: it’s just a lot sometimes
Meredith: i know

August 15th, 2008 10:11 AM

Meredith: dude!!!!!!!!!!!
Meredith: very important!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Meredith: look up the pelican spider
August 16th, 2008 7:35 AM
Ballister: dude!!!!!!!!!!!
Ballister: why does it look like that?????
August 16th, 2008 11:09 AM
Meredith: right???
Meredith: it looks like a fusion between a spider and a pelican,,,,,
Ballister: it looks so weird,,,,,,
Ballister: have you seen the butt frog?
Meredith: butt frog???? No???
Ballister: it’s actually called the purple frog but it looks like a butt
Ballister: look up purple frog
Meredith: what the fuck!!!!!!!!
Meredith: why does it look liek that??????
Meredith: *like
Ballister: idk
Ballister: there are some fucked up looking animals in this world lol
Meredith: yeah lol

November 17th, 2008 4:17 PM

Meredith: help
Meredith: idk what to do
Ballister: what happened
Meredith: school just let out but i’m scared to go home
Meredith: my dad came back drunk really late yesterday and he got in a big fight with my mom
Meredith: she was mad bc he lost $5,000 gambling last week
Meredith: he called her a whore
Meredith: i was in my room so i didn’t see but i was really scared that he was going to hurt her
Meredith: idk what to do
Meredith: i dont’ want to go home
Ballister: shit
Ballister: call me

January 19th, 2009 12:16 PM

Ballister: Let’s Play Four in a Row
Meredith: Four in a Row
Ballister: Four in a Row
Meredith: Four in a Row
Ballister: Four in a Row
Meredith: Four in a Row
Ballister: Four in a Row
Meredith: Four in a Row
Ballister: why did you go there???
Ballister: i was going to go there!
Meredith: >:)
Ballister: Four in a Row
Meredith: Four in a Row
Ballister: Four in a Row
Meredith: Four in a Row
Ballister: asshole
Meredith: mua ha ha ha!!
Ballister: Four in a Row
Meredith: You Win!
Ballister: You Lose
Ballister: damn you
Meredith: 👑😈

April 3rd, 2009 9:46 PM

Ballister: i just got off the phone w my mom
Ballister: i lied the whole time
Ballister: not one truth came out of my mouth
Ballister: yes, i have friends. Yes, i’m remembering to eat. Yes, i like it here
Ballister: it just sucks ass bc i don’t want to lie to her but i don’t want her to worry! Ambrosius is my ONLY friend, i have to study too much to be able to eat (or sleep), and i fucking hate it here
Ballister: i feel like fucking shit
April 3rd, 2009 10:15 PM
Meredith: sry i was eating dinner
Meredith: i’m sry tho
Meredith: i’m not sure how to help you
Meredith: do u want to call?

September 23rd, 2009 8:34 AM
Meredith: look at this meme
Meredith: it’s us
Ballister: lol

March 15th, 2010 11:39 PM

Meredith: my dad’s having an affair
Meredith: i saw him today while i was coming back from the library
Meredith: i dont’ think he saw me tho
Meredith: he was in a cafe with another woman
Meredith: he kissed her
Meredith: pls respond
Meredith: i’m supposed to be asleep but i need to talk
Meredith: i feel like i’m going to throw up
March 16th, 2010 7:14 AM
Ballister: oh my god i’m so sorry
Ballister: i just got up
Ballister: that’s absolutely horrible
Ballister: that’s so shitty of him
Ballister: i’m so fucking sorry
March 16th, 2010 8:23 AM
Meredith: it’s ok
Meredith: i went to bed and i feel better now
Meredith: i was getting in my head
Meredith: i’m just not going to say anything

September 7th, 2010 5:37 PM

Ballister: ambrosius actually won!
Meredith: what??
Meredith: i thought you were supposed to be better than him
Ballister: i am, he just got lucky
Ballister: but i was sitting there on the mat right
Meredith: barbeque sauce on your titties?
Ballister: so much barbeque sauce on my titties lol
Meredith: lol
Ballister: but that was the EXACT second that the director decided to walk in
Meredith: no!
Ballister: so she let ambrosius move onto the next round of sparing instead!
Meredith: no!
Meredith: that’s stupid
Ballister: yeah
Ballister: it’s fine tho
Ballister: he did knock me down, he deserves it lol

December 18th, 2010 7:39 AM

Meredith: jellyfish
Ballister: context?
December 18th, 2010 3:32 PM
Meredith: the ocean

February 21st, 2011 9:56 AM

Ballister: when’s your moms bday
Meredith: march 6th
Meredith: why
Ballister: my mom wants me to call her
Meredith: huh. Ok

June 26th, 2011 4:27 PM

Ballister: congrats on finishing sophomore year of high school!
Ballister: only 5,037 more days until your phd defense! :)
Ballister: that’s 13.8 years!
Meredith: siiiigh
Meredith: thank you lol
Meredith: only 3285 more days until your knighting ceremony :)

–

Ballister had found himself in quite the predicament. He stared into space, sitting on his bed, hand ghosting over where Ambrosius had touched his forearm. It happened about thirty minutes ago but he could still feel his warmth on his skin.

It felt… electric. A casual tap to get his attention had sent nerves through Ballister’s whole body. Why did he feel like this? The other boys touched each other all the time, wrestling and play-fighting with each other. Ballister himself had gotten much more physical contact with some of them than he wanted; training often led to very awkward positions. But Ambrosius…

Ballister wiped his palms on his pants for the umpteenth time. He tried to swallow but his mouth was dry. Was he getting sick? Maybe he needed some tea.

He dug through the storage units under his bed until he found the tea he wanted and started the walk to the cafeteria. What was different about Ambrosius from the other boys? Well, for starters he was Ballister’s friend. He didn’t make fun of him and actually wanted to spend time with him. He was probably the only good thing that had happened to Ballister since he got here.

He filled up the electric kettle that was kept on the left side of the food and turned it on. Ambrosius wasn’t really liked by the other kids either. They all hated him because he got special treatment from the teachers. That’s why they became friends in the first place; no one else wanted to sit with them. But that didn’t explain why Ballister suddenly felt like this.

He put the tea bag into the cup and blew a bit on it. It was probably a one time thing. He had touched Ambrosius lots of times before, pinning him in practice or walking so close in the hall their sides brushed, and nothing like this had ever happened before. It was a fluke.

–

It wasn’t a fluke.

The more Ballister thought about it, the more it happened. When he reached out to pull Ambrosius up off the mat for a water break during training, his whole hand buzzed and his stomach churned. When Ambrosius teasingly pushed him while doing an overdramatic impersonation of Todd, he hoped he wouldn’t feel how much his heart was pounding under his hand. When Ambrosius slung Ballister’s arm over his shoulder and helped carry his weight as he limped to the nurse’s office, Ballister was sure he was going to black out from how much contact there was. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

–

Ballister laid in bed, staring up at the dark ceiling. It had been almost two months of this and it was starting to drive him insane. Why did he feel like this???

Slowly, he sat up and opened his laptop. He let out a hiss as the light blinded him and he turned the brightness as low as it would go. Timidly, he opened a new tab and typed, ‘boy touching boy electric feeling.’

He yelped, slammed the screen shut, and pushed it across the bed like it burned him.

Maybe he could have worded that search a little better.

It took him ten minutes to work up the courage to even pick up the laptop again, the images he briefly saw haunting his mind. Those images were not what he wanted; that’s not how he felt about Ambrosius, it was something else. Men weren’t supposed to… do that with each other, that’s what they had wives for. That’s what he had a wife for.

Shit.

His stomach sank. Why did that make him feel sick? Meredith was his friend, he didn’t want to… He squeezed his eyes tight, a wave of nausea overtaking him. He forcefully emptied his mind; he didn’t want to think about her that way.

Maybe it would come to him when he was older.

But… It was interesting because now he had a comparison point. The anxiousness that settled in his stomach whenever Ambrosius smiled at him felt nothing like what he just felt. That felt like a brick had hit him in the stomach and made him want to vomit; with Ambrosius it was lighter. More like… butterflies.

Cautiously, he cracked the computer screen open then exited out of that tab as fast as possible. He opened the screen all the way and paused, mouse hesitating over the incognito button. He clicked it. The screen turned gray and he typed, ‘what does it mean if i’m a boy and get nervous around other boys?’

The first hits were about social anxiety. He read a few articles but quickly ruled it out; he didn’t feel this way with everyone, only one specific person. About halfway down the page was a forum where someone was asking about getting nervous around their friend. They seemed to have similar symptoms as he did, nervousness, sweaty palms, butterflies in their stomach. The most popular response was that they probably had a crush. Their friend was someone important to them and they had developed romantic feelings.

He shut the laptop again. He needed to get off the internet and go to bed. He didn’t have a crush. Crushes felt different. They felt like… well, he wasn’t actually sure but in the movies the boy and the girl would lock eyes, their breath would hitch, there would be lighting effects and angelic music. It was a moment of true connection. He had met Ambrosius years ago and nothing like that had ever happened.

He didn’t have a crush.

–

He totally had a crush.

Fucking shit.

He hated every single second he spent with Ambrosius, even just his damned smile made Ballister giddy. He hated him, he hated him, he… he didn’t hate him. He didn’t hate him in the slightest. But that was the problem wasn’t it?

This couldn’t be fucking happening. He didn’t know what to do.

The best he could come up with was to avoid him. To get him to go away. When Ambrosius would sit down next to him at lunch, Ballister wouldn’t look at him, instead getting very involved in his food. When they had to pair up for training exercises, he pretended he didn’t see Ambrosius’ offered hand and dazzling smile, walking over to Mansley instead. He may have taken it a bit too far and literally walked away once when Ambrosius said hi to him before class. It hurt his heart so fucking much but he knew if he turned around to look at Ambrosius’ heartbroken face, he would run back to him in an instant. So he didn’t.

But despite all this, he still laid awake at night having conversations with Ambrosius in his head.

‘I’m sorry,’ he would think. ‘I don’t actually hate you and I’m so sorry that I’ve been avoiding you. You’re just such a great person that it… it scares me. I want to spend so much time with you, I want to train with you —you wouldn’t believe how horrible a partner Mansley is, haha— I want to hold your hand in the hall as you update me about that show you like —I haven’t heard you talk about it for a while— and I want… I want to kiss you sometimes. I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you, maybe I could buy you an ice cream to make up for it? They would work for you? Great! I’m so fucking relieved. You don’t know how guilty I feel, heh. …I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.’

His phone dinged and he picked it up. It was a YouTube link from Meredith. He pressed his mouth into a tight line. Another text from her came through reading, ‘this guy makes a remote control submarine out of household items. I thought you would like it.’

He sighed. He hadn’t meant to but he had been ignoring Meredith too. Every time he talked to her, he was reminded of the responsibility he had to both her and their families. He fucking hated it. He hated her just as much as he hated Ambrosius, which really was none, but he couldn’t bring himself to talk to her. He opened her text and scrolled through their chat. The last time he had messaged her was three weeks ago and even then it was a one word response to a conversation she was trying to start. God, he was pathetic.

He put his phone down and turned his back to it. Ignoring all the people he loved was hard but it would be easier in the arms of sleep.

–

Ballister really had to break the bad habit he had formed of staying up to ungodly hours analyzing his life. He clicked back and forth between incognito tabs on his computer, comparing the results from twelve different ‘Am I Gay?’ quizzes. The majority of them said that he did feel some attraction to boys which, at this point, he already knew that but it still felt horrible to have it confirmed. But there was some hope. Out of those that said he was attracted to men, about half of them said he was attracted to women too. That was good. He could work with that.

He sighed and laid his head on his forearm. He didn’t know what to do. What would his parents say? What would Meredith say?? They were all counting on him.

The ever present ball of stress curled itself tighter in his stomach. A lump formed in his throat and tears pricked at his eyes. He didn’t know what to do. He needed… He needed to talk to someone.

He opened his phone and hovered between his two most recent text chats. A text from Ambrosius that read, ‘hey. Idk why ur avoiding me but if I’ve done smth to make u angry, I’m really sry. I didn’t mean it. I really wish you’d talk to me but if u don’t want to be my friend anymore I understand.’ That was sent three days ago. Ballister’s bottom lip wobbled. A text from Meredith that read, ‘just checking in. We haven’t talked for a while and I’m curious how you’re doing. Call me when u can.’ One day ago. He wiped his eyes.

He couldn’t talk to them. He couldn’t tell them why he was pushing them away. They would hate him; Ambrosius would feel disgusted and not want to be his friend, Meredith would be rejected but forced to live with him. He didn’t want to put them through that. He didn’t want to put himself through that. They were the only friends he had. What if Ambrosius told the other kids? They would make fun of him even more than they did now and he would be powerless against it. What if Meredith told his parents? Oh god, they would kill him.

He didn’t… He couldn’t… He had no one.

A sudden thought struck him. He got out of his bed and knelt down, moving all his storage boxes around. At the very, very back was his prayer rug. He pulled it out, dust drifting through the air. His parents had packed it for him when he left but he hadn’t used it in years. For a while he had been very good about it, praying five times every day, but then he was busy or he was tired or he was worried the other kids would laugh and it just dwindled out until he had stopped entirely.

He laid it out, dusting it off and feeling a pang of guilt at how threadbare it was. He stood at the end and lifted his arms.

“Ok, let’s see if I remember the words,” he whispered to no one in particular. “Allahu Akbar.”

He brought his hand down over his traitorous heart. “A’oothu billaahi minash-shaytanir-rajeem.”

How ironic it felt asking for refuge from Satan while his head was full of fantasies of a boy.

“Uh–” He absolutely blanked on the next part or the prayer. He was so young the last time he had gone to the mosque that by the time the prayer got to the long Qur’an verses, he had usually zoned out. Why couldn’t he do anything right?? “I’m just going to skip this next part if that’s ok with you.”

It felt strange talking to a god he hadn’t thought about in years. He bent forward at the waist then straightened up. “Subhaana rabbiyal ‘atheem. Sami’-Allaahu liman hamidah.”

The feeling that there was more to that part haunted him but he couldn’t remember for the life of him.

He skipped to the next part, kneeling back on his heels and rested his hands on his thighs. “Rabbighfirlee. Rabbighfirlee. Rabbighfirlee. Oh, rabbighfirlee.”

His voice broke and tears started slipping down his face.

He leaned forward, touching his forehead to the rug. “I… I don’t really remember how this works but… I need help. I don’t know what to do… I’m in love with my friend. I'm in love with my stupid best friend. But he’s a boy. Please forgive me. I haven’t acted on it though! I haven’t kissed him or held his hand or done anything else! …Even though I really want to. Is that ok? Am I ok? I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.

To make it all worse, I’m already engaged! Because why wouldn’t I be?? Just my luck. She’s very sweet and nice and I love her so much but… it doesn’t feel the same as my other friend. Maybe it’s because I haven’t seen her in person for a while but— I just don’t feel that way about her right now. I'm not sure I ever will, honestly. But I have to marry her because both our families are depending on us! My family especially. My parents are going to be homeless and starve to death if I don’t.

Well, I suppose they’ll have the money I get from being a knight but I don’t know if I can do that either! I really, really want to but the whole system is designed against me and the other kids are so fucking mean —oh, I’m sorry! I shouldn’t curse, please forgive me— but I’m not sure how much longer I can keep doing this! I’m so tired! I’m so tired. There’s so much pressure! My parents, Meredith, her parents, all the commoners, the Director, the Queen! It feels like I’ve been carrying the weight of the whole world on my shoulders and I can’t do it any more!!”

He sobbed. The floodgates had opened and years of silently repressed worries came rushing out. He couldn’t do this anymore, he just couldn’t. He was so tired. He wanted to go home. He wanted to hug his ammi. Oh god, how he wanted to feel her arms around him and for her to brush his hair while whispering it was alright. No one would hold it against him for not being strong enough. They would find some other way to prosper; their survival did not depend on him.

After what felt like an eternity, he had finally exhausted himself. He lay on his side, still on the rug, knees tucked up to his chest, staring into space. A calm crept into his chest. A peacefulness, a tranquility, a feeling that everything was going to be ok. A feeling of being loved. He was forgiven. He could get through this.

–

Ballister’s thumb hovered over the send button. He had spent almost an hour composing the perfect text but actually sending it was a whole other problem. He could do this, he could do this, he could do this.

He hit send.

And practically threw his phone across the room as soon as he saw the sent notification. Why did he do that?? This was a terrible idea. She was going to hate him. Oh god.

He laid in his bed for a while, face buried in his pillow. Maybe he would suffocate and die so he wouldn’t have to see her response. About thirty minutes later, he heard a faint ding from his phone. Shit. This was it. He timidly picked up his phone then immediately shut it again. Breathe, he was ok, remember to breathe. He opened the text.

November 4th, 2011 1:25 PM
Ballister: Hey. I have something to tell you. You have to promise not to tell anyone, especially not my parents. But I think I’m romantically attracted to men. I’ve been thinking about it for the last several months and it makes sense with what I’ve been feeling. I know it’s a sin but I can’t help it. I still love you of course and I hope this doesn’t change anything between us. I’m sorry if you hate me now but I promise that I’ll still give you the best life I can. I just didn’t want to lie to you anymore. I love you so fucking much and you deserve to know the truth.
Meredith: oh
Meredith: i wont’ tell
Meredith: thank you for telling me
Meredith: i don’t hate you
Meredith: i’m not sure how to respond tho
Meredith: i love you too

Ballister sighed. That wasn’t the best response in the world but honestly it was a lot better than he was expecting. She didn’t seem mad, promised not to tell, and said she didn’t hate him. It was just a lot to adjust to, he knew. He laid back on his bed and gazed up at his ceiling. It felt like a weight had lifted off his chest.

Chapter Text

“Dude, it’s like actually so obvious,” Meredith teased. She was laying back on her bed, holding her phone above her so Ballister could see her face. On her screen, he sat at his desk, phone propped up on something, smiling at her.

“It’s not that obvious!” he countered.

“Of course it’s Ambrosius, you don’t know any other boys!”

“I know other boys!”

“Like who? Blanche? Mansley? Todd??” she snorted.

“I– Ok, I don’t know that many other boys,” he said sheepishly, “but I don’t think it’s obvious. If you were here you would see; I’m pretty good at hiding it.”

“Uh, yeah, ok. I’ll believe it when I see it.” She smirked at him and he rolled his eyes.

“Whatever. Hey, have you, uh– have you gotten a crush on anyone else?” He rubbed the back of his neck, avoiding her eyes.

“No. Which is honestly surprising. All the other kids at my school are dating each other and I’m just like… ‘how do you have time for that??’ You know? These classes are really hard and give a shitton of homework, I don’t know where they’re finding the time. I’m kind’ve glad I haven’t gotten feelings for anyone though because I don’t have the energy to do that and be on top of my classes. It’s too much. But I suppose that’s why I have straight As and they… don’t.”

“Yeah, probably. But dating someone while in school can’t be that bad… I mean, other kids are doing it here too. They seem to be balancing it pretty easily. But we go to different types of schools so who knows.”

“Yeah.” Meredith thought for a moment, the silence between them comfortable. “Y’know… if you wanted to… I would be ok with you dating Ambrosius.”

Ballister shot up. “What?? But I can’t do that! We’re engaged!”

“Well, if you don’t want to, you don’t have to. I’m just saying it makes no difference to me.” She shrugged. “You clearly have really strong feelings for him and once we get married, you won’t be able to date anyone else so why not do it while you still can?”

“Because… that’s not how this is supposed to work! We’re supposed to stay pure!”

“I’m not saying you have to sleep with him! I’m just saying… I wouldn’t tell.”

Ballister bit his lip, thinking. “It has been almost six months…”

“It’s totally up to you. I’m just letting you know the option is there.”

“Hm. I'll think about it. I suppose… you could date other people if you wanted to too.”

“We’ll see. Everyone at my school is ugly.”

He laughed and she couldn’t help but smile.

–

Voicemail from Ballister. November 27th, 2011 3:47 PM

[Transcription]
Meredith!!! You’ll never guess what happened!!! I asked Amb[unintelligible] if he wanted to get lunch with me this weekend but as a date and he said yes! He even hugged me and everything! I’m so excited! You have no idea! Call me back when you can but if you don’t have time before Saturday, I’ll update you afterwards.

–

“Sooo… How’d your date go…?” Meredith asked in a teasing voice. This time she had her phone propped up by a book on her desk. She was supposed to be doing some math questions she had been procrastinating on but she still hadn’t even looked at them.

“Oh, it was awesome.” He turned bright pink and bashfully pulled at the hair on the back of his neck. “It was really nice.”

“Yeah? That’s good.” She had a smile pinned to her face but honestly wouldn’t mind if they changed the conversation right now. It’s not that she didn’t want to hear how it went, it’s just that… she didn’t care that much. Knowing that he had a good time was enough, she didn’t need details. But no, no, Bal would want to talk about it and she needed to support him. So she would smile, nod, and copy the tone of voice she heard the other girls at school use when they gossiped. He would buy that, right?

“We went to a cafe and he got a chicken sandwich and I got some soup. It was really good, it had some sort of seasoning in the broth that was so good. But anyway, the date was kind of normal at first; we were just talking like we always did. But then!!!! But then. He held my hand! For, like, a long time! We just sat there holding hands and I just— aaugh!!” He buried his face in his hands, grinning and flushing.

“Wow, you’re down so bad,” she teased.

“I… yeah... We tried to go on a walk after but it was too cold so it didn’t last very long. We went back to the Institute and hung out in my room for a while–”

Meredith dramatically gasped. “You had a boy in your room?? With no supervision??? Ballister Boldheart! For shame!”

“I know, I know, but we just talked! We were mostly making fun of Todd at that point too; nothing happened!”

“I’m just giving you grief,” she laughed, “I don’t care.”

“Right, heh heh,” he chuckled awkwardly. Was she not supposed to explain her joke? “Anyway, he said he had a really good time and asked if I would like to do it again sometime!”

“Oooh, a second date! Someone’s got game!”

“Stooopp…” he whined. Was the teasing too much? Should she dial it down? What if he was actually offended by it? Thankfully, he smiled bashfully again. “But yeah, I’m really happy about it.”

She figured she probably should smile too. She tried for the most sincere expression she could. “That’s good, that’s good. I’m glad you’re happy.”

That was the truth, she meant it with all her heart.

They talked for a bit longer, the conversation turning to things Meredith found more interesting, but honestly, she found herself wishing he would hang up. When he finally did, she sighed and flopped on her bed, completely exhausted. Relationship talk was so complicated; she never knew how to react to anything people told her. They spoke about their partners like they were the best thing that ever happened or that the end of their relationship would be the end of the world and she just… didn’t get it. But apathy towards these topics wasn’t the right response so she had to pretend. She could do it though; Ballister was happy and she needed to support him in that.

—

December 12th, 2011 10:32 AM

Ballister: look at what Ambrosius got me!
Ballister: it’s a marigold! Isn’t it pretty? It’s from his family’s greenhouse
Meredith: yeah
Meredith: I’m glad he knows how to give flowers lol
Ballister: I’m going to keep it forever
Meredith: ok

January 1st, 2012 11:18 AM

Meredith: happy new year! 🎉🎉
Meredith: how are you doing? Do u want to call later
Ballister: I can’t. Ambs invited me to his family’s New Year’s Day party
Meredith: oh
Meredith: ok
Meredith: have fun!

March 13th, 2012 3:46 PM

Ballister: this is us ice skating
Ballister: this is me falling down lol
Meredith: lol
Ballister: I fell down a lot
Ballister: this is a funny video of ambs trying this backwards move
Meredith: lol
Ballister: this is us getting hot chocolate

June 15th, 2012 7:12 AM

Meredith: my final is an hour and I’m so nervous,,,,
Meredith: I don’t know the material AT ALL
Meredith: biochem is so fucking hard
Meredith: I’ve barely slept an hour in the last two days bc I’m so stressed
Ballister: oof I’m sry
Ballister: you’ve got this, I believe in you
Meredith: thx
Ballister: ambs gets really anxious before tests too. I’ve started making him tea and that helps pretty well. Try some tea
Meredith: I’m already at school
Ballister: oh

September 1st, 2012 4:56 PM

Ballister: ambrosius bday is coming up and idk what to do!!
Ballister: what do I get him???
Meredith: idk man. Smth nice
Ballister: but he already has so many nice things!
Meredith: make him smth then
Ballister: but what tho????
Meredith: idk
Ballister: you’re no help

November 30th, 2012 2:58 PM

Meredith: hey do u have a moment
Meredith: I need to talk
Meredith: I’m really worried abt my mom
November 30th, 9:48 PM
Ballister: sry I was busy
Ballister: it’s my and ambs one year anniversary!! 🎉🎉
Ballister: we went to the movies and got dinner and he gave me that book on mechanics I wanted and i gave him a little dog paperweight he was looking at in a shop window a while ago
Ballister: it was so much fun
Ballister: anyways what’s up w ur mom
Meredith: nothing, it’s fine. I’m glad u had fun today. Congrats

—

Meredith buried her face into her pillow. God, she felt so bad. She was drifting. She was aching.

She wrapped her arms around herself and tried to pretend it was another person. God, that was so fucking pathetic. When was the last time she had actually hugged another person? Was it before Ballister left?

Why was she so alone?? Everyone around her seemed to get it, why wasn’t she on the same page?

Maybe she made the wrong choice, telling him he could date Ambrosius.

She stared at the wall.

No, she had no problem with them dating, the problem was…

The problem was she wasn’t dating anyone? No, she didn’t need that in her life right now.

The problem was Ambrosius took away her friend? Sort of, but it wasn’t his fault, he didn’t know he was doing it.

The problem was she didn’t have any other friends? That might be it; that felt like it.

The problem was she didn’t know how to make friends? It always felt like there was a sheet of glass between her and her classmates? God, she was terrible at communicating.

The problem was she was deathly, soul-crushingly lonely? Yes.

Her bottom lip trembled and a mangled whine escaped her. She was so fucking alone. Her fingers curled around the plastic dinosaurs on her nightstand. The cheap paint had rubbed off over the years, revealing the white plastic. She tried to avoid touching them now in an effort to preserve them like how they were when they could’ve entertained her for hours, playing with… Ballister.

Tears ran down her face. The hard plastic of the pterodactyl’s wings and the stegosaurus’ plates cut into the flesh of her palm. Good.

Why couldn’t she talk to people?? Why did no one want to be her friend, no matter how hard she tried?? She remembered their interests, asked after weekend plans they mentioned, and spoke up at every chance she could. So why did it feel like no one heard??? It was like she was shouting into the void. What about her was so off that people would stop talking to her after one or two conversations? What were they picking up on that she wasn’t?

She pressed the dinosaurs to her heart, sobbing harder. Maybe it would be a blessing to marry Ballister. She didn’t care that he wouldn’t love her the way he was supposed to, at least she would have a friend. Maybe she should date someone now so she wouldn’t have to wait… eight more years? Nine years? A really fucking long time. She couldn’t last that long on her own. But if she wanted to date someone, they would have to like her. Like, like like her. And that would never happen because no one liked her normally. She would need a fucking miracle.

She pressed her lips together and screamed as loudly as she dared without drawing the attention of anyone that might be home.

She had tried to content herself with reading mythologies and old bestiaries, pulling the fact from the fiction. There was a lot to learn and so much forgotten knowledge. It fascinated her to no end but apparently it wasn’t enough to fill the emptiness growing in her chest. She tried to throw herself into her studies, applying for the most prestigious colleges with the best science programs. She hoped her academics would outweigh her family’s iffy ability to pay tuition. But it turns out working yourself until you’re too tired to feel lonely wasn’t the best plan either.

She needed a hug.

She picked up her phone, frantically navigating to her text chat with Ballister. She needed to talk to someone. She was going to do something stupid if she didn’t. She needed to know she wasn’t alone.

The most recent text from him read, ‘i can’t call tonight, ambs and i have a test we need to cram for.’ That was five days ago. She closed her phone and slowly released the dinosaurs still clutched to her chest. Her hands came away yellow and red; the last of the paint had come off.

“No!!” She frantically wiped the sweat off her palms but it was too late. The garish white of the plastic was all that was left.

She really did scream that time but she didn’t care anymore. No one would hear.

Chapter Text

“And tonight’s the night we knight the knights!”

Meredith sat on the couch and popped a grape into her mouth. After all these years, it was finally happening. Her stomach was full of anxious butterflies; she wasn’t even the one getting knighted, imagine how Ballister must feel.

“Meredith,” her mom chided. “What have I said about wearing your goggles in the house?”

“Mom–”

“And take your lab coat off! You’re not at work anymore!”

She sighed. She was twenty five years old, about halfway through her PhD program, and still living with her parents. It was so embarrassing. She had tried to move out into her own apartment many times but they insisted that she stayed with them until after the wedding. It was becoming suffocating in this tiny three room apartment. ‘Well, Bal,’ she thought, staring at the tv screen, ‘don’t fuck this up. We both need this.’

“Meredith! Your goggles!”

“Yes, I know, I know.” She carefully took her lab goggles off, instantly missing the reassuring pressure they gave. She winced as they got caught in the long white ponytail she wore now. It took a second to untangle them but once they were free, she laid them on her lap and ran a finger around the rim of the lenses. They were a gift Ballister had sent her for getting her masters degree and she loved them so much, she was never seen without them… except for at home. Something about it being rude to hide her eyes.

“But will the Kingdom accept this knight who might not be right?” the news anchor said. Meredith scoffed.

“Hans!” her mom called. “Get your ass in here! It’s starting!”

“Give me a second, woman! I’ve had a fucking long day!”

“Shhh, the Queen is going to start speaking!”

“Oh, so you tell me to come here then you tell me to shut up; who do you think you are?” He pulled a chair up next to the couch and cracked open a beer. Meredith winced and sunk down in her seat. Tonight was supposed to be a good night, did they have to do this now??

“What have I told you about drinking in the house??” Hawa shrieked.

“Stop nagging me! I’ll do what I want!”

Meredith turned the volume up on the tv.

“I have watched this young man earn it many times over,” the Queen was saying. “Your sword.”

Ballister looked nervous but his armor was shiny and his hair combed. Meredith even had to admit that he had grown into the mustache she had teased him mercilessly for a few years ago. He looked very gallant holding his sword, like a real knight. Her heart swelled with pride.

“I now pronounce you Sir Boldheart, hero of the realm!” The Queen held her hands up dramatically.

Meredith was literally on the edge of her seat, anxiously awaiting the audience's reaction. Time seemed to stop. Then slowly but surely, the crowd erupted into thunderous applause.

“YES!!!!” Meredith shot up off the couch, pumping her fists in the air. “BOLDHEART!!! LET’S FUCKING GOOO!!!!!”

The camera panned off Ballister’s relieved face and onto the people in the crowd so she grabbed her phone.

April 10th, 2021 8:34 PM

Meredith: YOU DID IT
Meredith: YOU DID IT!!!!!
Meredith: YOU DID IT YOU DID IT YOU DID IT YOU DID IT
Meredith: CONGRATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Meredith: I’M SO PROUD OF YOU

A sharp gasp coming from her mother brought Meredith back. Hawa had her hand clasped over her mouth in terror and even Hans was silent for once, staring horrified at the tv. A camera drone was filming the royal stage. The Queen was laying unmoving on the ground while the Director held her body. Ballister was also hunched over but no one came to his aid. Ambrosius, who Meredith had never met besides in advertisements and Ballister’s stories, stood between him and the Queen. A growing pool of blood connected them. It ran off of Ambrosius’ sword and seemed to endlessly gush out of Ballister’s side. Suddenly, there was a horrible creaking noise and the jumbotron came crashing down, sending the whole arena into a world of dust and rubble. The camera cut to a ‘Technical Difficulties’ card right as the crowd started screaming.

The apartment was silent.

“What… the fuck… was that?” Meredith asked. The quiet was deafening.

Her dad sat back and ran a hand through his hair. “Shit.”

Her mom turned to him, hand still over her mouth, with tears in her eyes. He stood and took Meredith’s spot on the couch, pulling her close to him and letting her rest her head on his chest.

Meredith’s brain felt like it had been turned to mush. She looked down at the congratulatory messages she sent, their chat still open in her hand. She should probably ask what happened, if he was ok, what was going on, where was he, and a million other things but she couldn’t remember how to structure a sentence.

The tv buzzed back to life, revealing the Director standing at a press podium. She looked solemn and her eyes were watery.

“People of the Realm, hello. It is with a very, very heavy heart that I must inform you, the Queen–” Her voice broke and she paused for a moment to collect herself. “Excuse me. The Queen has been pronounced dead. She was killed this evening in a nefarious assassination scheme masterminded by Ballister Boldheart.”

Meredith dropped her phone.

–

The whole Kingdom was glued to the news that night. The Institute reported that they had substantial evidence that Ballister was still alive and launched a manhunt. It was announced by the Director but the newly knighted Sir Amrbosius Goldenloin stood at her right hand. His gaze didn’t quite meet any of the cameras, he looked more like he was focused on something far in the distance, but he still nodded in agreement when the Director said they would do everything in their power to bring Ballister to justice. Meredith fucking hated him. That double crossing, backstabbing, bastard.

In between updates on the current state of the Institute and the palace, they ran exposes explaining Ballister’s complicated past, shady upbringing, and how his eventual turn to queen-killer was inevitable. It made Meredith physically sick. Her stomach would twist as they showed photos of their neighborhood; the grocery store, the playground, the people who looked like him –and like her too– that lived here just going about their daily lives and twisted it into this horrible breeding ground of evil.

She thought about calling him but for some reason couldn’t bring herself to do it. She wanted to know the truth more than anything but she was scared of what she would find. That wasn’t the Ballister she knew and she knew he would never do anything like this but she had missed the actual moment it all went down. Anything could’ve happened.

The sun rose and the world kept turning. Her dad put on his boots and left for work. Her mom tried to gently persuade her to go into class but she refused; she needed to see what the news was saying. To her surprise, her mom didn’t argue and brought her a blanket instead. She sat on the couch clenching her jaw and giving herself a stress headache for what felt like an eternity. It was all so much.

“Meredith… Meredith…”

Meredith opened an eye. “Hm?”

She had fallen asleep at one point, the toll of staying awake for almost two days straight finally catching up on her. Her mom was gently shaking her awake.

“I made you some tea,” Hawa whispered.

Meredith groggily sat up, her white hair sticking up all over the place. “Thank you.”

“It’s late. Your dad is going to be home soon and then he thought we should all go over to the Boldheart’s.”

She put the tea down, completely awake. “Why? Did something happen? Did Bal come back? Is he ok? How long was I out for?”

“Shhh, nothing has happened. The Institute still can’t find him. They’ve been running the same stories all day with no updates; it’s been very frustrating. Your dad just wants to discuss the terms of the marriage with them.”

Meredith blinked. Ballister was probably dead or about to die and they wanted to talk about the marriage??? How was that the most important thing right now??

That question was answered quickly enough. Her dad slammed the door open and barked, “Everyone: shoes. Coats. Now. The wedding’s off.”

Hawa ran a hand through her daughter’s hair once more but Meredith barely felt it. What???

She got up off the couch, her body protesting after spending so long sitting motionlessly. She threw on her jacket and grabbed her goggles.

“Ay, Meredith!” her mom shouted. “Leave those here! We’re going to be guests in someone’s home, you have to be polite!”

Meredith suppressed the whine that bubbled up her chest and, after one more moment of hesitation, left them on the table.

The trip to the Boldheart’s tiny apartment was filled with anxiety, confusion, and fear. Meredith was trying to convince herself it was irrational but she was scared that if someone found out they were going to speak with Ballister’s parents, they would accuse them of being traitors too. Unfortunately, it wasn’t as unjustified as she hoped. There were shrines and altars to the Queen on every street corner and the Kingdom’s flag flying out of every window. Some groups of people stood crying and comforting each other. Hans pushed past them with determined anger.

He buzzed the apartment door and shouted into the speaker, “It’s Hans Blitzmeyer. Open the door!”

There was a pause… then the door buzzed open. When they got up to their actual apartment door, Hans pounded on it so hard Meredith thought it was going to come off the hinges.

“What??” Bilal said, opening the door. He looked so much older than the last time Meredith had seen him. He hadn’t shaved in several days and there were big bags under his eyes.

“The wedding’s off,” Hans gruffly said.

Bilal opened the door a little more revealing Rida sitting at the small card table, crying, and holding a framed picture to her chest. Hans pushed his way into their house and Hawa and Meredith followed, unsure.

“Of course, the wedding’s off!” Bilal yelled, slamming the door. “Our son is dead!”

The world shifted under Meredith’s feet. “What??? Ballister’s dead??? When did they say that? How do they know? Oh my god, oh my god.”

She clung to her mother’s arm, her head spinning. She couldn’t breathe. Oh god. Her heart was pounding. She couldn’t get enough air into her lungs.

“The Institute hasn’t announced anything,” Bilal clarified, “but he might as well be dead. He can never show his face here again.”

“I can’t believe he would do that,” Rida choked out, running her fingers down the glass of a photo of her son. It must’ve been the last photo of him they had, he looked about ten.

“I can’t believe it either,” Meredith whispered.

“He has thrown everything away!” Bilal exclaimed. “His future, our future, the stability of the Kingdom, the very life of the most benevolent leader we’ve ever had. She offered him an incredible chance and housed, fed, and clothed him for years, and this is how he repays her?? And did he not think about us??? We can’t even leave our house without being harassed! We used to be respected in this community! What are we going to do when the food runs out?? How are we supposed to make our money??”

“I’m so glad you brought up money,” Hans said, “because we do have an issue.”

Bilal regarded him with anger.

Hans ignored him and continued, “Since the wedding is off, I want my dowry payment back. All of it. Right now.”

“What??” Bilal yelled. “You can’t possibly be serious!”

“Why wouldn’t I be?? I’m not paying for your murderous son to ruin my daughter if he never does!”

Meredith forced herself to swallow the vomit that threatened to come up at that comment. Hawa exclaimed, “Hans!! Don’t talk that way!”

Bilal bared his teeth.

“How much was it?” Rida quietly questioned.

“Twenty thousand.” Hans crossed his arms.

“Oh Allah, help us,” Rida despaired, turning back to her photo.

“That’s outrageous!” Bilal exclaimed.

“I paid it and I want it back!” Hans jabbed his finger and Bilal’s chest.

“You can take your money and shove it up your ass,” Bilal growled, not backing away from the challenge.

“Honey—” Rida said worriedly.

Nobody got to hear whatever warnings she had to say though because right then Hans decked Bilal across the face. Hawa screamed and Meredith dug her nails into her arm.

“Bilal!” Rida ran over to her husband’s side and knelt next to him where he lay on the floor, rubbing his jaw in a daze. She addressed Hans, “You fucking BASTARD!!!”

Bilal shot up and tackled Hans around the middle, pushing him back into the wall. The flimsy table shook. Rida was desperately pulling at the back of Bilal’s shirt as he launched blow after blow at Hans’ face. Unfortunately, Hans was much taller and had more experience in this type of situation and he was easily able to defend himself. He went in low and punched Bilal in the gut.

Hawa finally returned to her senses and started helping Rida in separating them. “Calm down, Hans!! Get the fuck off of him!!!”

He shoved her hard and she stumbled back. Rida was screaming at them to fucking stop, Bilal was yelling that he would never pay a greasy weasel like Hans, and Hans was screaming profanities at anyone who came near him.

“Hueeghhhhh,” Meredith whined. It was so loud. Why was it so fucking loud?

Their screaming all turned into one incomprehensible mass of violent noise. Her ears rang and her hands trembled. The noises were sharp and metallic. Distantly, as if on a screen, she saw Bilal roll up his sleeves. The women’s shrill screams became louder.

Out, out, out. She had to get out.

She flung the door open and ran. Her footfalls thundered in her head. The air was cold against her skin. The sun had long since set and she knew it wasn’t safe to be traveling alone as night but she didn’t care. She was running and they would have to catch her first. The light from the candles on the shrines, shrines to the person her best friend had killed, guided her back home.

She ran up the steps and quickly did up all three locks. Half sobbing, half panting, she dragged the couch in front of the door. Nobody was getting in and if they did, she’d kill them. She needed to be alone; oh god, why was this the only way she could get some goddamn privacy in this house???

She ran to her room and collapsed on the bed. The light stayed off; she didn’t want to see how pathetic her life was right now, still trapped in the room of the child she no longer was. She heaved a heavy sob and scratched at her forearms. It stung. She probably shouldn’t do that, the ever rational part of her brain said. The other part —the disgusting, unwanted, always-wrong part— screamed at it to shut up.

Her goggles. She needed her goggles.

They were in the living room.

She made another sound that went from a sob to a scream of rage. Why did every single fucking thing in her life have to be so goddamn hard??? She forced herself up off the bed and snatched them from the table. As soon as she felt the familiar rubber and metal in her hands, she pressed them over her eyes, not even waiting to put the strap over her head properly.

She fell back onto her bed and started rocking herself back and forth, knees tucked to her chest. Thoughts tried to come out of her mouth but they were all jumbled. She sounded like a fucking baby. She sobbed harder. Harder. She pressed the goggles into her face harder. The rubber around the inside of the lenses cut into her skin and the suction became painful. She would definitely have bruises after this but it’s not like she’d never had a black eye before.

The sound of the locks being undone brought her back to earth. The doorknob jiggled. “Hello? Meredith? Open this door!”

It was her mother.

“Leave me the fuck alone!!” she screamed. The harshness of her voice scared her. It reminded her of a feral animal.

“Meredith, open the door!” The doorknob jiggled again.

“Go away!” she lamented. “Go away, please go away!”

“Open the door!!” Her mother’s voice was getting frantic.

Meredith needed to get out.

She grabbed her backpack and started throwing stuff in it. Clothes, toothbrush, wallet, notebook, phone charger, computer, and a few other mementos. Was she really running away at age twenty five? Yes, yes she was.

She pushed the couch away from the door and it instantly flew open. Hawa cupped Meredith’s face before she even knew what was happening. Her mother’s eyes were full of concern and her touch was soft but the heat from her hands made Meredith’s skin crawl.

“Oh, my baby, are you ok? Are you hurt?” She turned her head from side to side, thumb swiping over the bruises by her eyes.

Meredith pushed her away and looked at the ground. “I’m fine.”

Her mom’s gaze drifted to the bag swung over her shoulder. “Where are you going?”

“Out.”

“At this hour?? Please, I know it’s been a rough evening but I’ll put on some tea–”

“No, I’m leaving. I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know when I’ll be back. But I have to go.”

“Meredith–”

“No.” She pushed past her out into the hallway. “I can’t stay here anymore.”

Hawa pressed her lips together, tears welling up in her eyes. It was only then that Meredith noticed the dried blood running down from her nose onto her shirt. Meredith knew she should be concerned but strangely she felt nothing.

Hawa nodded. “Ok. Ok. But please remember, love, that your father and I love you very much. We want you to be safe… Please stay safe.”

Meredith scuffed her toe on the grimy hallway tile that had long ago been stained yellow by things she didn’t want to think about. “Yeah.”

And with that, she turned and left.

She went down to the street, the chilly night air effortlessly seeping through her sweater, and walked a block to where she had parked her motor scooter. It was a cheery light blue and covered with a bunch of odd bumper stickers that read things like ‘Follow me to a cursed bog! Where moss will consume your bones!’ and ‘I’m proud of my tadpole wizard!’ They usually gave her a laugh but tonight she wiped away tears as she strapped her helmet on. She turned the ignition and drove away form the only home she had ever known.

–

She had been staying at a hotel for the last four days. It wasn’t the best quality but it was infinitely better than her parents’ house. She had to go to the lab, she knew she had to, but she couldn’t get herself to do it. Her head was constantly buzzing and she tossed and turned all night, horrible thoughts plaguing her instead of sleep. Most of them were about Ballister.

During the day, she would drive around aimlessly on her scooter. She didn’t really have a plan for where she was going or what she was doing but.. there was that thought in the back of her head that she was looking for her friend. She knew that’s what she was really doing but she tried to keep her expectations realistic. If a legion of knights trained in the ways of tracking criminals down couldn’t find him, there’s no way she could just driving around.

She turned down a backroad that went along the river. There were no other drivers and she let her eyes glaze over. And, hey, if something happened to her, it’s not like it was the end of the world.

Suddenly, a figure came rushing out of an alley, tripped on the curb, and fell right into the road.

“Shit!!” she cursed, slamming the brake and sharply turning the scooter.

She narrowly avoided the person’s head by just a few inches. Way too fucking close. She peered down; they were covering their head with an arm to protect against the oncoming collision but there was no mistaking who it was.

A big brown eye peeked up at her.

“Ballister??”

Chapter Text

“Meredith?” Ballister had no idea what was going on. Was this even real?

Meredith quickly hopped off the scooter and bent down, helping him up. “Oh my god, Bal, are you ok??”

He couldn’t stop the scream that slipped out of him as she tried to reach under his arm. Or rather… where his arm used to be. She threw her hands back in surprise, dropping him onto the concrete. His armor rattled his head. Ow.

“Ohmygod ohmygod, I’m so sorry! Are you ok? I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” She leaned down more carefully this time, hands reaching out to help but too scared to touch him.

He grit his teeth. “I’m ok, I’m ok. Help me sit up.”

She pushed him up then grabbed his hand and pulled him to his feet. He fell into her and she stumbled back from his weight. Panting, he finally pulled back and stood on his own but she didn’t remove the steadying hand from his good shoulder.

“What’s going on?” she asked. “I’ve been so worried. The whole kingdom is looking for you. Are you ok? Do you need help? What are you doing out here?”

The seer amount of questions flooded his sluggish brain. He waved his hand like he could push them out of the air and away from him. “One at a time… one at a time.”

“Right. Sorry. Um… what are you doing out here?”

“I was trying to get some food. Didn’t get any. Some knights saw me but I think I lost them.”

“Oh.” Meredith’s face was very serious. “I can get you food. How much food do you want? What kind of food?”

“Uh…”

“Sorry, too many questions. I’ll just pick something.”

Suddenly, a shout broke through their conversation. “Hey! I found him! He’s down this way!”

A squadron of knights, completely decked out in their white armor, started running at them down the alley. They were still about a block away but that didn’t leave Ballister much time.

“Fuck,” Ballister whispered. Gloreth, he was so tired.

Meredith jumped into action, turning the ignition on the scooter and adjusting her helmet. “Get on!”

“Huh?” Ballister looked at her like he was in a dream.

“Get on the scooter!!” She frantically waved him over.

“But-“

“Get on the goddamn scooter!!!”

Before he could even register his body was moving, he found himself sitting behind her. She floored it and they left the knights coughing in a cloud of dust.

As they sped down the street, Ballister heard one of them say into his earpiece, “We found the queen killer! He’s headed down Moat street on a blue scooter! We need back up!”

Uh oh.

“Meredith, pull over,” Ballister pleaded.

“What??”

“Pull over!”

“I heard you, I’m just confused why you think I would do an idiotic thing like that!”

“Please, I don’t want you to get in trouble! If you take me anywhere, you’ll be an accomplice!”

“I already am!”

“I– fuck,” Ballister cursed. She shouldn’t have helped him, she had no idea what she was getting into. He swore to Gloreth if they did anything to her…

They flew over a crack in the neglected road and Ballister found himself flying through the air for a second. The spinning in his head did nothing to help that sensation. He crashed back down onto the seat with a painful thud.

“Hold on!” Meredith shouted. “Why are you not holding on??”

“I don’t know where to hold!” His hand timidly hovered over her back before delicately resting on her shoulder.

Four knights on hover scooters turned onto the road behind them. They had crossbows held up but they were having a hard time locking onto their moving target as the scooter jumped down the road.

“Shit, I need to lose these guys,” Meredith mumbled to herself. She glared at Ballister in the side mirror. “Don’t hold on to my shoulder, you’re still going to fall! I feel like I’m riding with a Victorian duchess!”

Hesitantly, he wrapped his arm around her middle, his chest pressed to her back. If their parents found out he was holding her like this before the wedding…

Meredith turned sharply down an alley, jolting him out of his thoughts and running over quite a few garbage cans. Ballister yelped as the momentum almost sent him flying off.

“I said, hold o–” Meredith looked down at the single arm gripping her shirt. “Oh. Fuck. Right.”

An arrow whizzed by their heads. Ballister looked behind them; the knights were frighteningly close. “Uh, Mer, you might want to go a little faster!”

“I’m going as fast as I can!”

They shot out of the alley and right into the street. A car narrowly missed them, honking as they rolled by. The next car collided straight into the first knight’s hover scooter. Ballister looked back at the wreckage; more unnecessary injuries in his so-called ‘villainous career.’

Meredith drove up on the sidewalk, narrowly avoiding the people jumping out of her way. The scooter bumped and jolted, rattling Ballister’s brain in his skull. They crashed through a produce stand, sending all the food flying.

“My cabbages!!” the owner wailed.

Ballister wanted to say sorry but Meredith had already turned down another narrow street.

“Where are you going?” Ballister yelled.

“I don’t know, I’m just trying to shake these guys! Are they still following?”

Ballister looked behind him. “Uh, I don’t see them but that doesn’t mean they’re not behind us!”

“Shit, ok.” She turned three more corners, ran a red light, and then finally pulled down another alley and came to a stop behind a dumpster. The reek of garbage did not help the nauseated feeling in Ballister’s stomach.

“Ok, I think we lost them,” Meredith whispered.

Ballister got off the scooter as quickly as he could and vomited against the wall.

“Where— did you— learn to drive like that??” he coughed out in between gags.

“My dad,” she said, coming to stand behind him. “You look really pale, are you ok? Do you need to sit down?”

“No,” he groaned, “I’m fine.”

That was a fucking lie. His head felt like a spinning top and his remaining fingers buzzed in a way he didn’t like. It felt like his body was slipping away from him; he was definitely going to pass out if he didn’t do something to stop it.

“We can go back to my hotel,” Meredith offered. It was like she could read his mind. Or maybe he wasn’t hiding the pain as well as he thought he was. “I can get you some food and water and we can have someone properly look at…”

She trailed off, unsure on how to address his arm. For some reason that made him angry. Unfiltered rage surged through his veins. He didn’t need her pity. This whole situation was fucked and he needed to break something. He didn’t want it to be their friendship but at this point he didn’t care. He started to turn to tell her off with everything he had but felt his knees buckle beneath him. She quickly rushed to his side and caught him, worry growing on her face as she looked down at his lulled back head and half lidded eyes.

“Ballister? Bal? Balli? You still with me?” Her voice was uncharacteristically small.

He sighed. He did need her help. He gave the smallest of nods and she let out a breath of relief.

“We can’t go back to a hotel though,” he creaked. “I– Wait… why are you living in a hotel?”

She chuckled nervously, avoiding his eyes. “Um, long story. I kinda, uh, ran away. But that’s not important right now! Right now we need to get you help. You can’t go back to a hotel?”

“No, the security cameras will pick me up. I have a place though.”

With the utmost care, she slowly helped him position himself on the scooter. When they were both fairly confident he wouldn’t immediately fall off, she started the engine.

—

The scooter bounced as they drove through the dump, ground littered with trash from Gloreth knows how long ago. Ballister was glad they were almost there. It was a struggle to keep his eyes open while they drove but Meredith needed him to give directions to the rundown mechanic shop he had been hiding in. She took a long, roundabout way in case anyone was following them but they were able to make it all the way back without incident.

He had his cheek fully resting on her upper back now; tradition and purity be damned, his head felt like it was full of lead. He stared at the long white hair that ran down her back, his sleep blurred eyes trying to make sense of it.

“Why is your hair white?” he asked. He tried to bring a hand up to touch it but nothing happened. He looked down in confusion only to be reminded of the gaping void on the side of his torso. Ambrosius’ look of shock filled his mind and a sharp pang of pain shot through his chest. He grit his teeth.

“It’s a wig,” Meredith said.

“Huh?”

“My hair’s white because it’s a wig. I haven’t actually gone gray yet,” she said, attempting a lighthearted air. “I’ve been going for the mad scientist look because I think it’s as sick as fuck.”

Ballister looked back at her ponytail. “Hm. It looks good.”

“Thank you! And I believe we’re here.” She stopped the scooter and stared up at the crumbling tower.

She extended a hand to help him off the scooter and he took it, taking a second to steady himself on his feet. As soon as he had collected himself though, a cold spike of fear ran through his stomach. “Wait! You can’t be here!”

“Huh?” Meredith tilted her head in confusion.

He yanked his hand away like she had burned him. “We can’t be alone together like this!”

“Bal, we’ve been alone together this whole time.”

“Yes, but now we’re back where I live and we need a chaperone!”

“You can’t be serious. This is a life or death situation, I think it’s ok.”

“No, no, you have to leave. Fuck, why did I think this was a good idea?” He tried to steady himself on the scooter but only stumbled more when the arm he tried to lean on was missing.

“You were literally just taking a nap on me, why are you worried now?”

“I don’t know!! I don’t know! Because I was half asleep and not thinking properly? Because I’ve lost a lot of blood? Because I keep fucking things up? Ambrosius, the Qu–” The words got caught in his throat but he pressed his eyes shut and kept going. “The Queen, and now you!”

“What? You didn’t fuck me up!”

“Yes, I did, you’re my accomplice now.” If he was hydrated enough, he would have started crying. “I can’t mess our engagement up too!”

“Bal, the wedding’s off!” Meredith shouted.

He blinked at her. “What?”

She nervously pulled on the hem of her shirt, looking off to the side. “I didn’t know how to tell you –or even if I should tell you because you’ve got all these other things going on right now– but yeah, the wedding’s off. It was decided a day after the knighting ceremony. So… almost a week now?”

Ballister’s brain was empty. He was running on so little fumes, he couldn’t even begin to comprehend this. “Wha… I don’t– why?”

“Um, well…” Her voice dwindled to a whisper, avoiding his gaze. “No one wants to be related to a queen killer. Not my family and not… your family. It wasn’t my choice though!”

“Wait, my family? What do you mean?” Ballister couldn’t take any more of this.

“Your parents… they, uh, they… They’re telling people you died. Your dad said you could never show your face there again and that you threw everything away… But, if it’s any consolation, your mother’s mourning you.”

Ballister’s legs finally fully gave out beneath him. He hit the ground with a loud clang. The trees above him blurred. He heard Meredith begging him to help her sit him up, for him to move at all, but it was distant and distorted. He wanted to do what she asked but he couldn’t seem to control his limbs; there was a disconnect between his brain and his body. She struggled to pull him up, trying her best to avoid his right side, but he kept flopping back down onto the ground.

Finally, she got him sitting upright but she was the only thing keeping him from falling. His head rested against her side and her arms shook with effort. Tears sprung up in her eyes. “Please, Bal, I need you to work with me. We need to get you inside. Shit, how heavy is this armor?? I’m going to drop you; you need to move!”

He made a weak groaning noise.

“Ok, if we can get you on the scooter, I can push it inside. Can you do that? Can you get on the scooter?”

Ballister didn’t think he could.

“I’m going to try to do it, ok? Here we go.” She took a shaky step forward, dragging him through the dirt. It wasn’t very far, only a few feet away, but the hard part was going to be lifting him. “I don’t want to hurt you, Bal. Fuck, I need to work out more.”

She awkwardly laid his torso down on the deck of the scooter. This was going to be a lot harder than she thought. “Hm. Ok. I’m going to prop you up against the seat and put your legs where you’re sitting now.”

It was quite an arduous process. He let out little whimpers every time she touched his right side but at this point, everything hurt. She sat him up again, leaning his back against the front of the seat. Carefully, she folded his legs in front of him on the deck where her feet usually went. If he had any energy left, he would’ve been embarrassed at how she moved him around like a doll.

“Ok, here we go. Slowly.” She kept one hand on his shoulder to steady him and held the scooter’s handlebars with the other. The tires kept snagging on rubble and she whispered apologies every time it jolted. After what felt like an eternity, she opened the door to the tower.

“There’s a couch, yes, perfect.” She pushed him over then inspected the next challenge. Getting him onto the couch. “I’m going to have to lift you again.”

Ballister braced himself as she wrapped her arms around his waist and lifted. He tried his best to get his feet under him, he really did, but not much happened.

“Fuck!” she grunted. “Ok, sit down, sit down!”

She dropped him onto the couch, tumbling on top of him from the momentum. It hurt but not nearly as much as falling on the ground.

“Ok,” she breathed, “ok. I think that’s good, are you good?”

He gave her a weak thumbs up.

“Perfect. I’m so sorry, I’m sure that was agonizing. I feel so bad.”

He nodded slightly.

“How heavy is your armor?” she panted, holding her back.

“…sixty pounds,” he whispered.

“Sixty pounds??? And you just walk around like that?? You are so strong. But hey! Glad to see you can talk again! If you think you’re ok, I’m going to go get some food, water, a first aid kit, and probably a few other things because you really need it. Do you think you’ll be ok? I’ll be so fast, I promise.”

He didn’t know. He hoped he would be but… nothing around him seemed to be real anymore. He didn’t know how long he could hold on. Maybe he was already dead.

She seemed to take his silence as a yes though because she bounced on the balls of her feet, ran to the door, and called back behind her, “I’m going to be so fast; I’ll be right back, I swear. Rest and stay there. I’m going to get stuff to make you feel better.”

She paused, halfway out the door, her anxious energy subsiding for a moment. Ballister could see the gleam of tears in her eyes. “I… I love you, Bal. Please don’t die while I’m gone, ok?”

The tower was silent. She took a deep breath, steeled herself, then shut the door. Ballister heard the scooter turn on. She shouldn’t be driving that, it had been spotted by the knights and was probably already in the Institute’s system. He tried to reach out after her to warn her but nothing happened. Right. A half sigh, half whimper escaped him. It was too late now, she had probably already left. He didn’t want her to leave, he didn’t want to be alone again, but maybe… he could just… rest his eyes for a second…

–

The door of the tower slammed open and Ballister jumped awake, heart in his throat. They had found him, fuck! He frantically looked for something he could use as a weapon but the couch was completely bare. He tended as a bunch of stuff got emptied out of a bag onto the coffee table in front of him.

“Bal? Can you hear me?” It was Meredith. She had come back. He wasn’t in danger.

“Huh?”

“I was saying that I was glad you were awake and hoped that you were feeling better. I got you a ton of stuff. Lots and lots of water, non perishable food —most of its snack food but it’s better than nothing— a few pairs of clothes that I hope fit, a blanket, painkiller, bandages, and other medical stuff I thought we might need.”

He looked at the results of her shopping trip. She really had thought of everything. He looked up at her. “How much did this cost? Let me pay you back.”

“Absolutely not.” She plopped down on the couch next to him. “You’re fucking wanted for regicide, I’m not letting you worry about paying me back too. Your life is worth the money.”

His vision blurred from the sudden onset of tears. The way she said that so casually… his life was worth it. He swallowed thickly. “Thanks. Thank you.”

She gazed at him softly for a moment. “Of course. Don’t even worry about it.”

There was a moment of silence before Meredith clapped her hands, jumping to life again. “Alright! Let’s patch you up! How do you take your armor off?”

“There’s clasps on the side of the chest plate,” he motioned to them, “but I can’t get them with one hand.”

She moved closer to his side, undoing the clasps. Ballister eyed the water on the table.

“Ok, now it goes over your head?” she asked.

“Yeah. Uh, I smell really bad. Sorry.”

“Dude, literally don’t worry about it. I don’t care if you haven’t showered, you’ve been busy,” she joked.

She lifted his chest plate up over his head and he let out a sigh of relief as the weight that had literally been holding him down since the knighting ceremony was removed. She dropped it down on the floor. Ballister could see dried blood on the inside and his stomach churned.

Meredith sat back, inspecting what remained of his right shoulder. “Hm. Ok, have you done any medical treatment on it already?”

“I shoved some fabric on it to try to stop the bleeding but I don’t think it was very effective since I couldn’t get my armor off. I couldn’t really bandage it with one hand either; I wasn’t able to get the pressure I needed.”

“Wow. It’s actually a miracle you’re still alive.”

“Yeah. I know.” He looked back at a plastic water bottle on the table. “Do you think you could…”

“Oh, yeah.” She twisted the lid off and handed it to him. “Here you go.”

He barely got out a thanks before downing the whole thing in one go. The cold water was heavenly; it calmed his throat and soothed his cracked lips. A drop ran down his chin.

“We’re going to have to take your shirt off,” Meredith said. “The blood has gotten everywhere and I don’t know what I’m looking at.”

A coil of self conscious anxiety tightened in Ballister’s stomach. “Uh, are you sure? It’s going to be pretty nasty.”

“I’m not a medical doctor but I’ve dissected my fair share of human cadavers, I’m not squeamish.”

Ballister blinked. “Uh, ok. I’m going to need your help.”

“Yeah.”

He lifted his arm up and she gathered the fabric at the base of his shirt, pulling it up. It was a bit difficult to get it over his head but once that was done, he easily pulled his left arm out. The right sleeve was still on his right arm, wherever that was, but the fabric on his shoulder had gotten soaked with blood and pressed into the wound. He hissed in pain as she slowly pulled the threads out of his flesh. Gloreth, it hurt so much.

Finally it was off. They both breathed a sigh of relief. Meredith tossed the ruined shirt behind her.

“Heh,” Ballister humorlessly laughed, “our parents would have a fit if they knew we were by ourselves in a strange building with you taking my clothes off.”

“Yeah,” Meredith agreed, a smile on her lips. “They would h–”

“I miss my parents,” Ballister suddenly choked out.

Meredith started. “Oh, uh, I’m sure–”

“I haven’t seen them in fifteen years. In my mind, they still look like they did when I left. They probably have gray hair now. I copied the mustache my dad had. Does he still have it?”

Meredith opened another water bottle and poured some of it on a rag. “Yeah. It’s all gray now though. I'm going to start wiping the blood off, ok?”

Ballister ignored her. “My mom wore a perfume that… I don’t know what scent it was but it reminded me of the color brown. Like a warm, homey brown. I don’t know where she got it from but it was probably really cheap. I haven’t smelled it since I left. Augh!”

“Sorry, sorry! I’m trying to be gentle. It’s probably going to sting though.”

“I miss my mom.” He rested his head on the back of the couch. “I wish I could hug her.”

“Yeah… So, bad news, this is looking worse than I thought. Good news though, most of it is actually scarred over already which is probably why you didn’t bleed out.”

“Interesting… Most knight swords have a laser core. It probably cauterized it.”

“That’s probably it. It actually saved your life. But… I think it’s infected. I can definitely see some pus. We’re going to have to treat that.”

Ballister sighed.

Meredith pulled on a pair of gloves and ripped open an alcohol wipe. “Your parents love you so much. When we went over to talk about the wedding the other day, my dad made some… very rude comments about you —and me too but that’s neither here nor there— and your dad got into a fistfight with him.”

Ballister sat up and looked at her. “Really?”

“Yeah, it was brutal. Your mom called my dad a fucking bastard too, which honestly has been a long time coming. They might be making bad decisions because they’re as confused and scared as the rest of us but they still do love you. Ok, this is going to hurt like a motherfucker.”

He screamed as she pressed the wipe onto his shoulder. He bit his hand to stifle it until he started to taste blood.

“Ok, done! Done, it’s done!” Meredith held her hands up.

His chest heaved and he looked down at his hands, red droplets of blood running down his fingers. “…Shit.”

She took his hand before he could say anything else and opened another wipe pack. It stung as she wiped the blood off but not nearly as much as his shoulder. Still holding his hand, she threw the wipe away and ripped a package of bandages open with her teeth. They were too big but she carefully wrapped them around his fingers, tying it tight.

“Ok,” she said. “I’m going to wrap your shoulder in this too but the internet says we should wash it with regular water first. I thought we would give it a minute to breathe though.”

They sat in silence. The events of the day were starting to catch up to Ballister. He furrowed his eyebrows. How did he end up like this? What higher power had he pissed off to deserve this? He tried to do everything right. But now… he was sitting in an abandoned tower, in excruciating pain, all alone. The Queen had died. Because of him. The whole Kingdom had been fucked over. Because of him.

Ambrosius’ voice broke through his thoughts as clear as day, “Hey, broody face.”

For a second Ballister’s heart skipped a beat with joy thinking he was actually there and he looked up.

Wait.

No.

Tears welled up in his eyes. He had lost Ambrosius too.

And now his parents…

“I don’t have anyone,” he whispered.

“You have me.” Meredith smiled at him. It was probably meant to be comforting but she looked sad.

Golden hour was approaching and the sunlight filtered through the cracks between the wooden boards on the windows. It glinted off the rims of her goggles. Ballister’s mind was blank. All that existed was this moment.

He leaned forward, tilting his head. It was slow, his body moving on autopilot. She started to lift a hand in case he was falling again but then it clicked. He could see the moment of clarity in her eyes. She put her hand down and grabbed a fistful of fabric from her pants. Her hand shook slightly from his hard she was gripping it.

Haltingly, Meredith leaned forward too. Did she want this? She still wasn’t sure. She stopped. Hadn’t she known her whole life that this was going to happen sooner or later? She leaned in a little more. Their mouths were only a few inches away. She could feel his breath hot on her lips. A shiver went down her spine. But not one of excitement or anticipation, more like… Disgust? Fear? It felt more like knowing a hairy bug was about to crawl in her mouth and she was powerless to do anything about it. Something like that.

“Augh, I’m sorry, I can’t do it, I’m sorry!” she finally burst out. She sat back and turned away from him; it was embarrassing.

He fell back into the cushions too, the breath he didn’t know he was holding escaping him. “No, I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”

She angrily whipped around to face him again. “Yeah, what the hell was that???”

“I don’t know, I don’t know.”

“Were you trying to kiss me??”

“I think so; I don’t know why I did that, I don’t even like women.”

She cocked an eyebrow, anger being replaced with confusion. “You don’t? I thought you did. Boys and girls.”

“Yeah,” he sighed, “that’s what I thought too but, Gloreth, almost kissing you… that was gross.”

“Then why did you do it???”

“We were having a deep conversation, the sun looks nice in your hair, I’m not wearing a shirt, I’ve lost a lot of blood, I don’t know. I guess I was thinking that in the movies, there would be a kiss by now,” he said, trying to break the awkward tension with a joke.

She huffed. “...That is true. People are always kissing in the movies... So you don’t like women or you don’t like me?”

He thought. “…I don’t like women. I’ve never felt any of the feelings I get about men for a woman. I… was… kinda hoping that you would be the exception.”

“So that kiss was an experiment?”

“I guess.”

Meredith was quiet and Ballister was scared for a second he had offended her. He couldn’t lose anyone else right now. Just as he opened his mouth to start furiously backtracking, she cut him off. “It was kind’ve an experiment for me too. I’ve… I’ve never actually kissed anyone. I’ve never really wanted to. I’ve thought about it but not in the way most people do. I never had daydreams about making out with someone or looked at a stranger and thought, ‘they’re hot, I want to kiss them.’”

Now it was Ballister’s turn to raise an eyebrow in surprise. “Really?”

She shook her head. “No, never. I was hoping… it would be different with you too. But, heh, it’s probably a good thing we didn’t kiss because I was a few seconds away from throwing up in your mouth.”

“Oh, gross.” He tried to playfully shove her but his arm was missing. Right. The smile faded off his lips as he was forced back to reality. “Well, I guess it’s a good thing the wedding’s off then. It was never going to work.”

“Yeah.” She stared at the wall.

“Or work the way our parents wanted it to anyways… But you’ve seriously never wanted to kiss someone?”

“Not really. I’ve thought about it a lot but more in the sense that I’m curious what all the fuss is about. It doesn’t look that exciting.”

“It’s amazing. It’s one of the sweetest ways that you can show someone you care about them. And that they care about you too. Heh, Ambrosius does this thing– I mean, did this thing? …Fuck. Ambrosius did this thing where if he noticed that I was super stressed and getting in my head, he would sneak up behind me, wrap his arms around my waist, and start kissing me until I couldn't help but smile. I– I really miss him.”

“Yeah… that sounds… so nice. For you. Hm. Lovely.” Meredith’s smile was strained. How was sneaking up on someone romantic?? If she was stressed out of her mind and then someone grabbed her from behind and started kissing her, she would break their nose. No questions asked, doesn’t matter who it was or how much she liked them, don’t fucking do that. But she knew at this point she was the odd one out. Everybody else liked it so she had to tolerate it.

To hopefully distract from her less than enthusiastic response about what was apparently the greatest connection two people could have, she grabbed another rag and motioned towards his shoulder. He grimaced in anticipation but angled himself towards her. She gently toweled down the burn and he hissed a breath in through his teeth.

She spoke as she worked. “I guess I just don’t get it. Everyone’s so enamored by their partners and it’s just like… ok, I guess? They’re essentially a friend that you can kiss and live with. I know it doesn’t feel like that but I genuinely can’t figure out how it’s any different.”

Ballister grit his teeth. “There’s a deeper connection and commitment than just being friends with someone. Like Ambrosius is– shit. Well, I guess he was my best friend, yes, but he was also more than that. He was always there for me, he was my confidant, he would go out of his way to make sure I was happy. He was my everything. I… I’m not sure where we stand right now though.”

“I would dump his ass,” Meredith angrily mumbled.

“What?”

“Nothing. And what you just said literally doesn’t help at all. You know how many times I’ve picked up the phone at ungodly hours when you needed someone to talk to? How many secrets we’ve told each other because we were too scared to tell our parents? How much effort I’m putting in right now to clean up his mess?? I’m not trying to say that you’re too much work, sorry if it sounded like that, I’m trying to say it’s quite the opposite actually. We’re ‘just friends,’ have always been ‘just friends,’ and yet we’ve been doing all those supposedly ‘romantic’ things you just listed since before you even knew Ambrosius. I don’t want to devalue your relationship with him –though he did cut off your arm and you should dump him– I’m just saying I don’t get what makes everyone think romantic relationships are that great. I don’t think I ever will.”

She picked up the roll of bandages again but she hesitated before she turned back to him. There was a sadness in her frame. She spoke again, “You know, up until basically last week, I was jealous of you.”

“Huh? What for?” Ballister said.

She gingerly held the end of the bandage on his shoulder and started wrapping the roll around. “Of you and Ambrosius. In all the pictures you sent me you always looked so happy. And you’ve told me so many times how much he’s helped you at the Institute, which I’m very thankful for. I think he’s a douche now, cutting your arm off and leaving you to fend for yourself, but I was so grateful to him. You needed someone to be friends with and to stand up for you and I’m so glad he did it when I couldn’t. I wanted someone like him; as a friend, as a partner, didn’t matter. Someone to talk to, someone to take comfort in, all that stuff. I kept waiting and waiting, thinking for sure that my Ambrosius was right around the corner. It never came and finally I had to content myself with waiting for you.

But now the wedding’s off and… I’m scared, I guess. Not only is the plan for my entire life completely obsolete, I was banking so hard on you being my Ambrosius. Not in a romantic way, though we would have to act the part, but in a guaranteed companion type way. I wouldn’t be lonely anymore because I would have you. There is so much pressure to have a romantic partner and I just– from my parents, from the media, from the fact that you basically need two incomes at this point if you want to be able to afford a slightly decent apartment. And I won’t ever be able to live up to that now and I don’t know what to do.”

She pulled on the bandage, ignoring the way her hands were shaking, making it as tight as possible before tying it. The pressure was uncomfortable for a second but quickly became reassuring. Ballister looked down at it; it looked a little funky in some places, definitely not done by a professional, but it would get the job done. He looked up to thank her but she was curled in on herself, back turned to him. She sniffled.

“Hey, hey, hey,” he said softly. His first instinct was to put a hand on her shoulder but… that wasn’t going to happen. He looked around for something else he could do. A box of tissues sat on the table. Very slowly, he leaned forward and reached for it. It was so much more exhausting than he thought it would be and his muscles shook as he grabbed it. It took him a second to balance it on his legs and open it but he finally was able to hand her a tissue.

She took it. “Thanks. I know I shouldn’t be complaining to you. You’re going through so much shit right now and I’m sure you’re much more scared about your future than I am.”

“It’s ok, I don’t mind. It’s actually nice to have something to distract me. But… you don’t have to worry, you know why?”

“Why?”

“Because you gave me.” He smirked at her. A broken smile split her face through the tears as he said her own words back to her.

“You sap,” she laughed, pushing her goggles up to wipe her eyes. “You’re so fucking lovely.”

He laughed too, a bittersweet feeling filling his heart. Why did it take a murder, a dismemberment, a manhunt, and a few life altering emotional crises for them to finally be able to sit, talk, and enjoy each other’s company? But as much as he hated everything that brought them here, he was grateful for this moment. Not all the moments before, and probably not the moments after either, but for right now. He would have to hold onto this memory as tightly as he could and use it as a lifeline when things got bad again. He might be the most wanted person in the Kingdom right now but at least there was one person out there that didn’t want him dead. One person who cared about him very very much. And that was a good enough reason to keep going.

“Oh!” Meredith said, breaking him out of his thoughts. “Do you remember these? I grabbed them before I left.”

She reached into her bag and pulled out two white plastic dinosaurs. Ballister’s face lit up. “Hey! Those guys! I completely forgot about them.”

She passed the stegosaurus to him and he turned it over in his hand.

“Man, I haven’t thought about these guys in forever,” he breathed. “What were their names again? Clark and Sa– Samantha?”

“Carl and Susan. You were close though. They’ve been living on my nightstand basically since you left.”

“Wow. I can’t believe you still have them.”

“Why wouldn’t I? They were a present from a friend.” She almost playfully elbowed him in the side but stopped herself. “You can keep one if you want.”

“No, they should be kept together.” He passed Carl back to her.

“Are you sure? I wouldn’t mind you keeping one since I know where to find you now.”

Ballister thought. He could keep Carl since he was his character or he could keep Susan as a reminder of Meredith, that he wasn’t completely alone, but the thought of splitting them up, especially after all these years, seemed wrong. He shook his head. “No, it’s ok.”

“Ok.” She seemed unsure but she put them back in her bag.

They sat in comfortable silence for a while.

“Can I hug you?” Meredith finally asked. “Or is that not…”

Ballister looked down at his shoulder. “No, you probably shouldn’t. But I’ll hold your hand.”

He reached out and Meredith intertwined their fingers with a content sigh. A huge grin grew on her face. She couldn’t believe it. The world was on fire right now but Ballister was safe and alive and here with her and tears had been shed today but they were happy now and they were together, they were together, they were together. The overwhelming feeling of joy bubbled up through her chest and she squealed, energetically wiggling the fingers on her free hand. It was the type of thing her mother would get after her about but her mother wasn’t here right now. She would never have to live by her rules again. Another wave of joy overtook her and she kicked her feet back and forth under the table.

Ballister laughed. “I missed you, Mer, I missed you so much.” He stiffly leaned down and rested his head on her shoulder. It hurt but what didn’t at this point?

“I missed you too,” she said, resting her cheek on the top of his head.

—

The sun had set and the night chill set in. Ballister was eternally thankful that Meredith really had thought of everything he might need; he sat on the couch in a new clean sweater and a blanket around his shoulders instead of shivering like he had been the last several nights.

“Shit,” Meredith said, glancing at her phone. “Look at the time.”

“You should probably get going,” Ballister said.

She looked at him. “I can stay if you want.”

“No, no, I’m not making you sleep on the floor with no blanket. And you’re paying for the hotel room anyways. It would be wasteful not to use it.”

“I don’t mind sleeping on the floor, it’ll be like camping. I like camping.”

“No, Mer, it gets so fucking cold here at night, you should leave. Help me up?”

She carefully took his hand and pulled him to his feet. He grunted as he took a second to get his balance. Slowly, he straightened up and let go of her arm. His head spun again. Gloreth, he should’ve stayed on the couch.

“Do you have all your stuff?” he asked.

She started. “Wait, you’re actually kicking me out?”

“No– well, yes but it’s because it’ll be better for you.”

“I don’t mind the cold; I’m not leaving you.”

“This place is infested with rats, I don’t want you to sleep on the floor.” He weakly started pushing her towards the door. Meredith, ever the angel, let him even though she easily could’ve stopped him.

“I don’t want to leave you on your own,” she said.

“I’ll be ok, I’m feeling much better, really.” That wasn’t a total lie but not quite the truth either.

“Ok, I’ll go now but I’m coming back tomorrow.” She stated it as a fact and Ballister internally groaned.

“Maybe not tomorrow, you were spotted by the knights earlier and I don’t want them to follow you back here.”

“That’s fair. Text me what time works for you then.” She slung her purse over her shoulder.

He opened the door. “I– uh, actually, I probably… won’t…”

Her gaze snapped to his, glaring at him. “What?”

“I just don’t want you to get in more trouble than you have to.”

“No, I’m already in this. Like you said, the knights have seen me and they’re not going to make a distinction based on how much contact I have with you. I’m on their shit list regardless.”

“Yes, but the less you know, the less trouble we can both get in. Also you should probably ditch that scooter somewhere, it’s very distinctive, and get a new hotel room under a fake name.”

“I’m not leaving you, Bal!” she pleaded. The wind blew through her shaggy hair and the faint moonlight reflected in her goggles.

Ballister’s heart was breaking. Again. He slowly started closing the door. “Please. It’s for your own good.”

“No, no! You open that goddamn door! I’m not letting you do this on your own!” She grabbed the door and he was too weak to stop her.

“Meredith, please! I don’t want you to get hurt!”

“I don’t want you to get hurt either!”

They stared at each other, pain on their faces. The situation they had gotten themselves into was downright miserable.

Eventually, Meredith let go of the door and took a step back.

“Fine. I won’t come back. But you better text me every fucking day because I swear to god, Bal, if something happens to you–” Her voice broke.

He looked down. “I know. I know. Thank you for everything you did today, I… honestly don’t know if I would still be here if you didn’t. Thank you, thank you so much.”

She nodded, tears silently streaming down her face. “Text me. Please.”

He didn’t meet her eyes but he nodded. With a dull thud, he shut the door.

“I love you,” he heard Meredith faintly call out.

His vision blurred. A lump formed in his throat. He wanted to throw the door open and say ‘I love you too, you’re the best thing that ever happened to me, please please don’t go’ but he couldn’t. This was for her own good. And he would never forgive himself if something happened to her.

Chapter Text

April 15th, 2021 11:22 AM

Meredith: hey
Meredith: how’s it going

April 22nd, 2021 3:47 PM

Meredith: just checking in
Meredith: do you need anything
Meredith: how are you

May 1st, 2021 10:26 AM

Meredith: thinking abt u
Meredith: hope you’re staying safe

May 8th, 2021 4:56 PM

Meredith: how’s ur arm
Meredith: do u need more medicine? I can get antibiotics

May 17th, 2021 9:45 PM

Meredith: hey
Meredith: I haven’t heard from you in a while
Meredith: pls update me. I want to know how you’ve been

May 25th, 2021 2:57 PM

Meredith: hey
Meredith: pls text me back
Meredith: u promised you would text me everyday
Meredith: I’m worried
Meredith: pls tell me ur safe
Meredith: idc if it’s a lie

Missed call from Meredith.
June 5th, 2021 12:03 PM

Meredith: dude!!!!
Meredith: are you ok??????
Meredith: what’s going on???
Missed call from Meredith
Meredith: did u fucking blow up an institute building???
Meredith: pls call me back,,,,,,

June 7th, 2021 8:27 AM

Meredith: idk if you’ve been watching the news but the institute is implementing a whole new security system
Meredith: they’re testing monster attack alarms
Meredith: they’re so fucking loud and annoying and I hate them so much
Meredith: they’re also checking everyone’s id at all major subway stops and stores
Meredith: I’ve been walking to the lab bc I’m too scared to take the train
Meredith: stay safe ok

Missed call from Meredith
June 7th, 2021 2:47 PM

Meredith: DUDE
Meredith: WGAT ARE YOU DOING
Meredith: CALL MD BAVK
Meredith: WHY THR FIVK ARE TOU KIDNAPPING PPL IN VERY PUBLIC PLACES
Meredith: WHY CANT I FUCKING TYPE????
Meredith: WHO THR FUCK IS THAT BABY
Meredith: at least ambrosius didn’t catch you
Meredith: that was too fucking close tho. Don’t do that
Meredith: call me asap

June 8th, 2021 9:21 AM

Meredith: what is going on?????
Meredith: this is the second attack you’ve done on the institute in a month,,,,,,
Meredith: wtf are you doing????
Meredith: and where the fuck did you get a SHAPESHIFTER from????????
Meredith: I’m incredibly confused but very intrigued
Meredith: did u go outside the wall???????? And u didn’t invite ME??
Meredith: do u think she’ll help me w my thesis 🥺🙏
Meredith: it’s on energy but I’m discreetly using it to look at magic
Meredith: if I could talk to her that would be so fucking cool. She’d probably kill me tho
Meredith: doesn’t matter. A small price to pay for science
Meredith: but seriously I’m fine w u blowing up institute buildings but pls tell me why
Meredith: call me

Missed call from Meredith
Missed call from Meredith
Missed call from Meredith
June 18th, 2021 10:11 PM

Meredith: dude!!!!!!!!!
Meredith: you’re innocent!!!!!
Meredith: you did it!!!!!!
Meredith: you fucking did it!!!!!
Meredith: that bitch is going to jail!!!!!!
Meredith: 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

June 25th, 2021 11:34 PM

Meredith: dude are u watching the news
Meredith: that mothrrfucker
Meredith: *motherfucker
Meredith: got to cuss her out correctly 😌
Meredith: I’m sure she’s lying, she probably did it, but she is making some good points
Meredith: do u have a way to prove it wasn’t nimona in the video?
Meredith: maybe there’s security footage u could get? Or an eye witness?
Meredith: idk I’m just brainstorming bc she’s making u look really guilty again
Meredith: if u need help, just call

Missed call from Meredith
Missed call from Meredith
Missed call from Meredith
Missed call from Meredith
Missed call from Meredith
Voicemail from Meredith June 26th, 2021 2:14 AM

[Transcription]
Bal, pick up the phone! Pick up the goddamn phone!! What is going on? Are you ok? Have you seen the monster?? Please tell me you had nothing to do with that! It’s fucking chaos out here! The [unintelligible] is on fire; everything’s on fire! There’s people leaving their kids behind, people are [unintelligible], people are acting like it’s the end of the world! [unintelligible] [unintelligible] I don’t know where my family is; I was working late in the lab and on my way to my new apartment and then the whole world started shaking and this huge– ma’am, [unintelligible] to get underground. Hold on, these pigs are trying to get me to hang up –I’m talking to my friend! If I go underground I won’t have service –hold on I need to escape. Call me back.

Voicemail from Meredith June 26th, 2021 2:57 AM

[Transcription]
Ballister, what are you doing?!?! You’re going to get yourself killed!! Get down! Get down from there! You’re going to fucking die!! You’re going to fucking fall to your death! Please tell me that’s not you up on the sword, please tell me that isn’t you!!!

Voicemail from Meredith June 26th, 2021 3:12 AM

[Transcription]
Ballister, please! [unintelligible] [unintelligible] They’re turning the canons into the city. I don’t know what to do– I’m all by myself– [unintelligible] I’m in some alley, but I don’t think– [unintelligible] God, I’m going to die, I’m going to fucking die! We’re all fucked! [unintelligible] I don’t know what to do, I don’t know where my parents are, the building’s going to fucking come down, I don’t know where to go, I’m going to get fucking burried alive– [unintelligible] [unintelligible] I love you, I love you, Ballister. God, fuck! [unintelligible] [unintelligible] Allaahumma 'innee 'as'alukal-'afwa [unintelligible] fid-dunyaa wal'aakhirati, Allaahumma 'innee 'as'alukal-'afwa wal'aafiyata [unintelligible] wa dunyaaya wa 'ahlee, wa maalee, Allaahum-mastur [unintelligible] [unintelligible] wa 'aamin raw'aatee, Allaahum-mahfadhnee min bayni [unintelligible] wa min khalfee, wa 'an yameenee, wa 'an [unintelligible] wa min fawqee, wa 'a'oothu bi'adhamatika 'an [unintelligible] min tahtee. Please, please. Allaahumma 'innee 'as'alukal-'afwa–

Voicemail from Meredith June 26th, 2021 4:02 AM

[Transcription]
Hey, where are you? I’m safe, I’m ok. A few chunks of the building fell and I’m pretty sure I fractured my wrist and severely bruised my back but I’m alive, I’m ok; my head is fine and I can still move. It hurts like hell but it’s fine, it’s not that bad. I still don’t know where my family is, I haven’t gone back to the house yet. Please call me back. Actually do it. Don’t say you’re going to do it and then not; call me back. Please. [unintelligible] God, I can’t lose you.

–

Meredith limped down the street towards her parents’ house as fast as she could. People were still running to and fro around her, frantically checking on loved ones, businesses, cars, and apartments. The air was full of dust as the cloud that erupted from the wall set over the Kingdom; Meredith could barely see a few feet ahead of her. She was forever thankful for her goggles and had her shirt pulled up over her nose and mouth. The city was illuminated by the roaring fires that were made in the monster’s –Nimona’s?– wake and the feeble holographic images that called out, “Warning: monster attack, monster attack. Seek immediate shelter.”

Meredith scoffed. As if getting inside was going to protect them from the destruction; plenty of buildings had been destroyed, explosions roaring out of upper floor windows. Sirens rang out around every corner; fire trucks, ambulances, police cars. Normally, the screaming, the sirens, and the chaos would make her whine and retreat back to her house as fast as possible but today her head buzzed with numbness. It felt like someone had stuffed it full of gray static. ‘So this is what going into shock feels like,’ she thought distantly.

She pulled out her phone again. No one had answered her texts or calls. Not her parents and not Ballister. Fuck, she hoped they weren’t dead.

She had probably made fifteen calls to Ballister at this point but she pressed the call button again. It rang once. Then twice. Then–

“‘ellooo...?”

She stopped dead in her tracks. He picked up!!! “Bal!!! You’re alive!! Oh, thank god!! I was so scared! Are you ok? Are you hurt? Where are you? What happened? Fuck, I’m so glad you’re alive, oh shit.”

“Nahh, Bahiher i’ent here ‘ight ow. ‘An I ‘ake a……….. message?”

This wasn’t Ballister. She glared at the space in front of her as if the person could see her through the phone as she regarded the situation carefully. She clipped out, “Who is this?”

“...huh?”

“I said, who is this?”

“Oh. Uh, Membosi…s.”

“What? Who?” She was getting increasingly frustrated. “Where’s Ballister?”

“‘ees ‘ight–”

Another voice joined the conversation, a little ways from the phone. “Can I see the phone please?”

Meredith didn’t like this one bit. Who was she talking to? Who were they talking to? Where was Ballister??

“I’m ‘ust helping,” the first voice slurred out. “I ‘eed to ‘elp.”

“You’re off duty now, Sir Goldenloin, I think it’s ok if you stop helping. You’ve done more than enough. Can I see the phone?”

There was a pause. “Uh-kay.”

“Hello?” The second voice was holding the phone now.

“Hello,” Meredith said cautiously. “Who is this?”

“This is John Wrightworth, EMT from Turret Hospital. Sorry about before; Sir Goldenloin sustained considerable damage across his shoulder, face, and chest so we have him pumped full of methoxyflurane, a pain killing drug, until we can get him the care he needs.”

A laugh rang out in the background and a voice –Ambrosius, Meredith figured– said, “I ‘eel so good ‘ight now, so good.”

“That’s good,” said Wrightworth. “I’m so glad your shoulder isn’t hurting.”

“No, no,” Ambrosius said dismissively. “…Who are you?”

“I’m your EMT.”

“’EMT?’ ‘ut I’m uh-kay, ‘eally. See? Ow!! That ‘urt me!”

“Yes, that’s why we need you to stay laying down, ok? Sorry, ma’am, how can I help you?”

Meredith blinked. “Is, uh, is there anyone else with Goldenloin?”

“If you’re asking about Sir Boldheart, which I assume you are because you called his phone, yes, he’s with us.”

Meredith let out a huge sigh of relief. Stress still wracked her body but she felt so much better knowing that he had someone caring for him. But… that meant he was finally captured…

“What, can I ask, are you going to do with him?” She nervously chewed on her lip.

“He has also sustained substantial injuries so we’re taking him back to the hospital too. We don’t know the full extent of his injuries yet because they are mostly internal but at the very least, he has multiple broken ribs. There is also a chance of internal bleeding.”

“No, I meant like, uh, are you… are you going to turn him in?”

“We’re doctors, ma’am, not knights. He will be safe from any Institute detainment as long as he’s in our care. But, honestly, I think the Institute has bigger problems right now.”

“Oh, thank you, thank you,” Meredith choked out. Months worth of worries about her friend were suddenly absolved and her knees buckled. She hadn’t realized how heavily it was weighing on her until she didn’t have to carry it anymore. Tears ran down, leaving tracks in the dirt on her face. “Thank you so much. You’re literally an angel. Can I talk to him?”

“He’s unconscious right now but we’ve also given him medicine, he has an IV, and the heart monitor says he’s stable. You’re welcome to come to the hospital to visit him but maybe wait a few days. We’re going to be swamped right now and need to deal with people injured in the attack first.”

“That makes sense. I do think I’ve broken my wrist but it’s ok. I’ll ice it and take a crap ton of painkillers.”

Wrightworth was silent for a second. “You can try coming in tomorrow to set the bone but I can’t guarantee someone will be able to see you. We have to deal with the more serious injuries first and I suspect we’re going to have a lot of those.”

“Of course, of course,” Meredith nodded. “Thank you so much again. You have no idea how grateful I am.”

“Of course, ma’am. Have a good night.”

He hung up and Meredith looked around her. Ballister was ok. Ballister was safe. For the first time in a long time she knew everything was going to be ok. They still had a bit to go until they got there but it was finally within reach.

She knew she shouldn’t be feeling this way, looking around at the people huddled together and mourning their losses around her, but she couldn’t stop the feeling of joy that bubbled up in her chest. If she wasn’t in so much pain, she would’ve jumped for joy.

–

Meredith checked the sign on the door for a third time. Room 411. This was it, this was Ballister’s hospital room, so why was she scared to go in? The doctors said he was stable, he wouldn’t die on her. It had been a few days since the wall came down and she held her newly bandaged wrist to her chest. She could do it, wasn’t this what she had been anxiously looking forward to?

She took a deep breath and opened the door. It looked like a regular hospital room. A window, a few chairs off to the side, a heart rate monitor dutifully beeping away in the corner, a bunch of other medical equipment she didn’t understand, and of course the adjustable bed in the middle. Ballister lay in the bed, eyes closed. His face was all bruised and he had bandages around his arm. His prosthetic had been taken off and placed on a small side table. His brows were furrowed and his face contorted like he was having some kind of unpleasant dream; not quite a nightmare but certainly not the peaceful nonsense sleep promised. She stood by his bedside.

“Hey,” she whispered. “How are you doing?”

The heart rate monitor beeped. Ballister didn’t stir. Of course he didn’t. She pulled a chair up and sat next to the bed.

She watched his chest rise and fall for a bit, bandages peeking out from his hospital gown. God, how she wanted to sooth the worries from his face and kiss his forehead. He had been through so much god forsaken shit in the last few months; he didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve any of this. This was supposed to be the happiest time of his life –hers too– and here they were. Instead of enjoying life as newly weds in a castle, or wherever knights lived, she didn’t know, they were sitting in the hospital as both their lives and the Kingdom literally crumbled around them. So much had happened. So much had changed.

–

Ballister opened his eyes. Hospital. That’s right, he was in the hospital. There was the beeping of the machinery and the smell of the disinfecting alcohol. He looked down from where he was sleeping propped up on some pillows and nearly jumped. Meredith was passed out, slumped forward onto the side of the bed, snoring softly. How long had she been there?? She wasn’t there when he went to sleep. What time was it? As he started to move he felt his fingers ghost against hers. He paused.

He slowly wove their fingers together, being as gentle as he could seeing the cast on her wrist. He rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand; clearly Nimona’s sacrifice had taken a physical toll on her. How many other people had gotten injured before it was all over?

The touch made her stir and she blearily looked up, hair sticking out in random directions. As soon as her gaze focused enough to lock into his face, she shot up.

“Bal!!” She moved to hug him but hissed in pain. “Nope, too fast. Let’s do this instead.”

She pressed the back of his hand to her cheek, still clasping it tightly, and beamed at him. Ballister furrowed his brow. “What happened to you? Are you ok?”

“Oh, yeah, I’m fine. Just got hit with a few bricks falling from a building is all. The doctors said I was very lucky to only fracture my wrist and nothing else but my back is so bruised that even just wearing clothes is painful. I’ve been sleeping on my stomach. But what happened to you?? Are you ok?”

He looked away. “Yeah. For the most part. I don’t know. Several fractured ribs. Black eye. Lots of stitches. Dehydration. Something with dust in my lungs that makes it hard to breathe, I don’t remember what it’s called. Exhaustion. And I’m at high risk for several stress induced chronic illnesses. But besides that I’m fine.”

Meredith softened. “Do you… do you want to talk about it? About what happened?”

Ballister flinched. His ribs throbbed as he felt the weight of Nimona’s arms wrap around him, clinging to him so desperately. The look on her face… The way she was so anguished as she stumbled towards him, beaten and bleeding. Her scream as she… He squeezed his eyes tight.

“I…” he started, “I tried to save her. I thought I did but she still– She’s gone.”

He choked on a sob.

Meredith squoze his hand as tears started to fall down his face.

“I tried so hard,” he despaired, “I tried to hold her and comfort her and show her how much she’s loved but she still went and– It wasn’t enough. It’s all my fault; if I had stopped her, if I hadn’t let her go, if I hadn’t called her a–”

The words got caught in his throat again. Meredith held his hand, trying her best to be strong and reassuring. He didn’t say anymore, instead making some rasping noise that she assumed was a sob. It rattled through his chest and quickly became too much for his ribs to handle. He whined as pain flared through him. He couldn’t even mourn properly. Meredith let go to hand him a tissue which he weakly took.

“Thanks,” he whispered. A coughing fit suddenly overtook him; it hurt so much. He loudly blew his nose after it had finally subsided. “Sorry. It sucks so much having broken ribs but also not being able to breathe properly. They just feed into each other; it’s an endless cycle.”

“Yeah, that sounds really shitty,” Meredith said. It didn’t feel like nearly enough to say but she didn’t know what else to do. She wasn’t very good at comforting words; she much preferred to let her actions speak for her, trying to solve problems and offer physical support when she could. It had worked well enough when she had patched up Ballister’s arm and bought him supplies all those months ago but there was no way she could do that now. She couldn’t bring Nimona back, heal his ribs any faster, or rebuild the city. She hoped her words would be enough.

“I just–” Ballister sighed. He leaned back into the pillows. “I’m so tired.”

Meredith thought for something, anything, she could say that might lift his spirits. “What about Ambrosius? Is he ok?”

“Ok as he can be considering he got a direct hit from the Director’s laser. He’s in the next room over. His left shoulder and arm are pretty fucked up. Heh, guess we’re a matching pair now, huh?”

“Yeah…” Meredith smiled but there was more anxiety behind it than joy.

“He held me though, after Nimona…” He swallowed thickly. “He held me until the paramedics came. I don’t remember much after the wall fell but… that was nice of him.”

“Do you think you’re going to work it out?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know if I want to either, I– there are pros and cons on both sides.”

Meredith was silent for a moment. “Well, if you want, I can go over and chew him out. Really give him a piece of my mind for you. Let him know what a colossal asshole he’s been.”

Ballister weakly chucked. “No, that’s ok.”

“Really? Because it would be no trouble at all, I swear.

“You don’t have too–”

“I’ve actually been practicing what I’m going to say when I finally meet him.”

“No, it’s fine–”

“I’ve thought of some pretty creative insults.” She stood up and began to move towards the door but his grip on her hand tightened.

“Mer!” He had a wild, desperate look in his eyes. “Don’t go! I don’t want to be alone– Please stay with me. Please stay.”

“Ok, I’ll stay,” she said quietly, sinking back into the uncomfortable seat. “I’ll stay.”

He relaxed, melting back into the pillows. “Thanks… thank you.”

His eyes closed and slowly his grip on her hand loosened. She didn’t let go though, sitting with him until the lull of sleep took her too.

—

August 8th, 2021 10:34 AM

Ballister: first day of couples therapy today 😬
Ballister: wish me luck
Meredith: you got this!! You’re going to do so good
Ballister: thanks
Ballister: I’m nervous

August 18th, 2021 2:56 PM

Ballister: I am so happy
Ballister: what did I do to get so blessed with such a lovey man
Ballister: he’s so considerate and caring and conscientious and huuueegggghh,,,,,,,
Ballister: ok those are all synonyms but you know what I mean
Meredith: I’m glad you’re happy
Ballister: it sucks that we had to let it get to the point where we needed therapy but I’m really glad we went bc it’s really helping
Ballister: it’s difficult sitting with those feelings sometimes but honestly it’s been going really well
Ballister: I wouldn’t mind marrying him some day
Meredith: if you think that’s a good idea

September 15th, 2021 10:06 PM

Ballister: are you home
Ballister: are you home
Ballister: are you home
Meredith: ?? Yes?
Ballister: I’m downstairs. Open the door
Ballister: you will not believe what the fucking idiot i’m unfortunately dating did today
Ballister: I hate him so much
Ballister: I hope you have alcohol because I’m going to rant your ear off abt this bitch
Meredith: come on up lol

October 4th, 2021 12:15 PM

Meredith: how’s it going
Ballister: it’s going
Meredith: oh?
Ballister: none of the jobs I’ve applied to have gotten back to me. I don’t have very many skills besides fighting
Meredith: What abt engineering
Ballister: I can’t get anything wo an engineering degree
Meredith: well u can come back to school w me lol We can graduate together
Ballister: that would actually be fun lol
Ballister: we’ll see

November 16th, 2021 2:41 AM

Ballister: I’m so tired of ambrosius. Idk what we’re still fighting for. Like in our relationship. There’s nothing here. I should leave him. I want him gone. I want to live on my own. I want to not have to think abt any of this anymore. I want to totally start over. I want none of the last year to ever have happened. I wish I was never a knight in the first place. Then I could get a job and an apartment and not have to feel terrible as I mooch off his intergenerational blood money. I wish I could do things on my own. I wish I could see my parents. I don’t want to be weird but I wish I could marry you instead. I know it won’t work but it would’ve been easier than this. You get me like no one else does. Gloreth, I’m so sad. My heart hurts so much. Why do we have to feel grief? Why can’t we just die when smth bad happens or feel nothing at all? Sorry that was dark. I’m fine, don’t worry abt me. Ok I need to go to bed now. I need to go to bed. Sorry. Gn

November 16th, 2021 7:30 AM
Ballister: sry idk what that was. I was tired and spiraling in my own head
Ballister: I’m ok now. Sleep and breakfast helped. Idk what I was talking abt. I love ambrosius very much and I don’t want to break up w him
Ballister: if he ever asks u abt this deny everything
Meredith: ok
Meredith: I was going to say that was pretty heavy. Are u good
Ballister: I’m genuinely fine. Idk what happened last night
Meredith: never trust any of ur feelings after 9 pm. And certainly not at 3 AM,,,,,,,,
Ballister: yeah ik lol

December 2nd, 2021 11:27 AM

Meredith: do u want to go to the botanical gardens w me this eeekend?
Meredith: *weekend
Meredith: they’ve got a show up abt trains but all the trains are made out of sticks and leaves and stuff. Sounds pretty cool. I think you would like it
Ballister: sure

December 15th, 2021 9:46 AM

Ballister: what present should I get Ambs
Ballister: it has to be smth good. It’s our first holiday season since everything happened and I want to show how much I love him
Meredith: idk man. U know him better than I do
Ballister: you always say that :/
Meredith: bc it’s true!
Meredith: i’m not good at getting ppl presents lol
Meredith: remember when we were like twelve or smth and i asked u what u wanted for ur bday and you said pancakes as a joke and then i mailed u a family sized box of pancake mix lol
Ballister: ofc I do. That was insane lol
Ballister: it took me so long to eat all of those
Meredith: well if u didn’t want pancakes u shouldn’t have said that lol
Meredith: get ambrosius pancakes
Ballister: we’ll see

—

Meredith pulled her coat tighter around her as she pushed through the winter chill. A cold wind whipped around her and she thanked all her stars that she was almost to the diner. She was meeting Ballister and Ambrosius for brunch. The two of them were in a much better place now, the biggest of their fights behind them, and Ballister thought this would be a fun idea. She had never actually met Ambrosius before which seemed insane; it felt like she had known him for years. Which, in a way, she had.

The bell jingled as she opened the door and she instantly saw Ballister waving her over to their table with a huge grin. She waved back, taking a second to stomp the snow off her boots, before heading over.

“Mer! I’m so glad you’re here!” He hugged her.

Ambrosius stood. He was taller than she imagined but there was nothing intimidating about him. If anything, he looked scared of her as he nervously held a hand out. “Hi, nice to finally meet you. I’m Ambrosius.”

She shook his hand which seemed to make him relax a little. “Doctor Meredith Blitzmeyer.”

“‘Doctor?’ Wow.”

“Well, ahh, not yet but soon. I’m on track.” She sat down and put her purse on the chair next to her.

“Wow, that’s very impressive. What are you studying?” Ambrosius asked.

“It was sustainable energy but I’m thinking about switching to magical energy. It wasn’t really an option before but now that the wall has come down, there’s so much to explore out there.” Both Ballister and Ambrosius’ smiles became strained so she figured she should wrap this up. “I’m thinking about taking an expedition out there but it’ll probably delay my graduation a while. But what can I say? Nimona was very inspiring.”

“Yeah,” Ballister smiled sadly, “she was.”

A melancholy mood settled over the table. Shit, she should’ve stopped talking. She floundered for something to say. “So… what’s good here?”

“I don’t know,” Ambrosius said, looking at the menu. “We’ve never been here before.”

“Oh.” Well, that was the wrong thing to say. She tried again. “You know, we’ve actually talked before, Ambrosius.”

He raised an eyebrow. “We have? I’m sorry, but I don’t remember–”

“Oh, I don’t expect you to. You were high off your ass on painkillers.”

Ambrosius went pale. “Really? That doesn’t sound like me.”

Ballister smirked. “Wait, I didn’t know about this, I want to hear this story.”

“It was right after the wall fell. Like literally right after. I was trying to call Bal, you picked up his phone instead, and started talking nonsense to me. You introduced yourself as Meemeemeemo or something.”

“Oh, Gloreth.” Ambrosius hid his face in his hands as Ballister laughed and put a hand on his shoulder.

“The doctor had to wrestle the phone away from you because you wouldn’t stop trying to talk to me,” Meredith laughed. “You said you were still helping.”

“Yeah, that sounds like Ambs,” Ballister laughed. “Always trying to help even if he’s dying.”

“I literally don’t have any memory of that,” Ambrosius said. “I don’t remember this. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s ok,” Meredith said. “I was angry at the time but now it’s just funny.”

Meredith smiled as Ballister laughed harder. She didn’t miss the way he leaned against Ambrosous’s side as he laughed himself to tears. Ambrosius still looked embarrassed but he smiled when he looked at Ballister.

Meredith wasn’t sure how she felt about Ambrosius yet but it was incredibly obvious, even to a socially blind person like her, that he loved Ballister very much. They ordered and when the food came, he let Ballister eat as much off his plate as he wanted even though Ballister swore up and down that he didn’t want any. Ambrosius ordered a yogurt for his side and Ballister refused to let him eat it, starting a minor argument about lactose intolerance. Meredith was kind of worried it would escalate and she would have to do damage control like she had been a few months ago but it never happened. It was very much the type of nagging that you only see in people who had been together for decades which, she supposed, they had been.

“So I can’t eat it,” Ambrosius challenged, “but you can?”

“I’m being a good boyfriend and sparing you the pain,” Ballister said, picking up his spoon.

“You’re lactose intolerant too!”

“...that’s different.”

Ambrosius rolled his eyes. “It’s literally exactly the same. Give me that.”

He took it before Ballister could take a bite. “Meredith, can you eat yogurt?”

“Yeah.”

“Here, have a yogurt.” He placed it down in front of her. “Don’t worry about the cost, I ordered it so I’ll pay for it.”

“Oh! That’s so nice of you, thank you.” Maybe Ambrosius wasn’t as bad as she thought.

Ballister huffed but let it go. “Ever the gentleman.”

“Well, of course,” Ambrosius said.

They talked after they were done eating for another forty minutes before they finally asked for the check. Meredith pulled out her card but Ambrosius picked up her bill before she could.

“Oh, no, no, no, you don’t have to do that,” she said.

“No, it’s ok, I’ve got it.” He put his card in the folder. It was a sleek silver, she had never seen anything like it.

“No, you already gave me the yogurt, I can pay for the rest of my food.”

“Please, I insist. It’s really nothing.”

She hesitated for another second before putting her card back in her purse. ‘If Ballister can’t provide for me as a husband,’ she thought, ‘he better get used to me using his rich ass boyfriend because this is amazing. Damn, I need a rich boyfriend. How do I get one of those?’

A few minutes later, the three of them stepped out onto the snowy street. Meredith immediately shivered.

“This has been really fun,” Ballister said. “We should do this again sometime.”

“Yeah, I absolutely agree,” Meredith said. “This was really nice. Thank you again for paying.”

“It’s really no problem. Nice to meet you –well, properly meet you– again, Meredith.” Ambrosius held out his hand and she shook it.

“Bye, Mer, I love you, see you later,” Ballister said as he looped his arm through Ambrosius' arm.

“See you later. I love you too,” she called after them as they started down the street.

She paused for a second in front of the diner and dug around for her headphones. Distantly, she heard Ambrosius say, “Do you think she likes me? Did I make a good impression? Gloreth, I was so nervous.”

She looked up to see Ballister chuckle and lean into him, saying something that sounded like, “You did great, love.”

She put her headphones on and smiled to herself. Yeah, they were going to be ok.

—

Missed call from Ballister
Missed call from Ballister
April 19th, 2022 12:22 PM

Ballister: DUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ballister: OULLL NEVER BELIVE THEIS
Ballister: NIMONS SAMR BABK
Ballister: *nimona came back
Ballister: AHE CANE BACK SHE CANE BAVK SHE CAME BABK
Ballister: I’m so fucking happy, u have no idea
Meredith: DUDE!!!!!!!!!!!
Meredith: THAT IS SO AWESOE
Meredith: *awesome
Meredith: that really is a miracle
Ballister: I know, i know 😭😭😭😭😭😭
Ballister: i love her so much
Ballister: maybe in a bit so she has time to settle back in but we should all have a dinner together
Ballister: i think it would be really fun
Meredith: yeah, that sounds great. I would love to meet her
Meredith: have you told her abt ambs yet
Ballister: no
Ballister: we’re taking it slow rn
Ballister: she’s still pretty thrown off guard every time we see one of the shrines to her. But ig that makes sense. If i died then came back and my picutre was everywehre, i would be pretty freaked too lol
Meredith: yeah lol
Meredith: well i’m free whenever. Just tell me what works for you
Ballister: will do

–

Meredith shifted the dish of poulet yassa in her arms as she rang the buzzer on Ballister and Ambrosius’ new apartment. They had been staying with Ambrosius’ family in their sprawling mansion for the last several months but even with all the space, it had felt suffocating. She had been over to their new place a few times; it was much bigger than hers and in a much better part of town but she surprisingly wasn’t as jealous as she thought she would be. She was happy for them. The door buzzed open and she started up the stairs.

She knocked on their front door and it almost immediately opened. She barely had time to register Ballister’s huge grin before he pulled her into a bone crushing hug.

“I’ve got food, I've got food!” she yelped, muffled into his shoulder.

He pulled back. “Oh, sorry! Did it spill?”

“No, it’s fine.”

“Sorry, I'm just really happy! We’re all finally together!” He took the dish from her as she toed her shoes off. He stuck his head into the living room. “Nimona! Ambrosius! We’re eating now!”

“Five minutes, Boss,” Nimona said. “I’m kicking his ass at poker.”

“I owe her six hundred dollars!” Ambrosius said incredulously. “How did that happen??”

“You were never good at games like this,” Ballister said. “C’mon, we’re eating now.”

“I swear she’s cheating!” Ambrosius moved to set his cards down, looked at Nimona’s wicked grin, and tucked them into his pocket instead. “Now you can’t look at them during dinner.”

“Buddy, I’ve already seen all of them,” she said, casually sweeping past him into the kitchen.

Ambrosius sputtered in disbelief. “So you are cheating!”

“Something smells good,” Nimona said, ignoring him. “What is that?”

“I brought poulet yassa,” Meredith said. Nimona stared at her blankly so she added, “It’s basically sweet chicken and rice.”

“Oh, nice. I’m hungry, let's eat.” She bounced over to the table and sat down.

Meredith took a few side dishes from Ballister and put them down on the table. “I’m Meredith by the way. I don’t know how much Ballister has told you about me.”

“Not much. Only that you’re his weird science friend.”

Meredith thought for a moment. “Yeah, that’s a pretty good summary. Well, it’s nice to finally meet you.”

“Yeah. I’m sure he’s told you all about me.” She picked up a knife by its blade and spun it around. “I’m quite the celebrity now.”

She didn’t sound as excited as Meredith expected, more angry and defiant. Meredith shook her head. “I know less than you think actually. I’ve been waiting to hear it from you.”

Nimona looked at her curiously. “...huh.”

“Is that… is that ok?” Fuck, if she had already messed up her first impression…

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Nimona said dismissively, turning back to her plate. She was looking down but Meredith could’ve sworn she saw a smile ghost her lips.

The table was set and Ballister and Ambrosius took their seats. Ballister suddenly felt his heart ache. This… this was perfect. This was everything he had ever wanted. He was home, surrounded by delicious food, and people he loved. His best friend, his boyfriend, and –against all odds– Nimona. The last year had been a nightmare and he had almost given up so many times but if he had known this was going to be waiting for him on the other side… He was eternally grateful he had kept fighting.

He wiped a tear from his eye.

Ambrosius frowned and gently took his hand, rubbing his thumb along the back. He whispered, “Are you ok?”

“Yeah,” Ballister sniffed. He took a steadying breath and smiled. “Yeah. I’m doing really well. Let’s eat.”

Chapter Text

These are just some songs that make me think of this fic. Either in the situation, character dynamics, or vibes.

Strawberry Mentos by Leanna Firestone

Ibuprofen by Bears in Trees

Two Best Friends by BB Bean

Apple Juice by Madilyn Mei

Nothing by Bruno Major

Reverberate by Bears in Trees

Strawberry by Andrew Montana

We Are Going to be Friends by The White Stripes

You're On Your Own Kid by Taylor Swift

Good Rhymes for Bad Times by Bears in Trees

Master of the House from Les Mis (idk why but this song is linked to this fic in my mind, don't judge me lol)

Little Cellist by Bears in Trees

Laugh/Cry by Bears in Trees

Ramblings of a Lunatic by Bears in Trees (can u tell i like their band lol)

Moral of the Story by Ashe ft. Niall Horan

Till Forever Falls Apart by Ashe and FINNEAS

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=640Kj9_qMJ4&list=PLyQXof-4oZTzra5aF6s2Q8aHL1KUqG0i4
That link should take you to a youtube playlist ^^ If not, just look up the songs, they're all really good