Work Text:
Waking up felt as if the world had reset itself. It was like startling awake after a nightmare, suddenly being thrust into consciousness and trying to figure out where you were and what was going on before it finally dawned on you that you were back in the real world.
Viktor forced his eyes open, despite the heavy feeling attempting to tug them closed, and he tried to blink away the gaps in his vision. His entire body felt hot and tingly, like pins and needles but... on fire. But even despite the sensation, he was slowly able to acknowledge the tapping against his shoulder. Someone was tapping him.
Right, Sevika. She was looking down at him and asking him if he was okay but she didn't look too panicked, only mildly disturbed. About as soon as he processed her words, however, his mind seemed to immediately forget them and he was left to stare dumbly at her, only the vague feeling that he should be responding taunting him.
"You had a seizure." She explained and finally, the realisation of what was going on hit him. He wanted to groan in frustration.
——————————
"Are you sure you're okay?'
Viktor blinked and looked up to see Sevika glancing over at him with a look of concern on her face, though her words were now laced with impatience.
"Yes." Viktor said quickly, shaking his head to rid himself of that strange feeling that had been plaguing him all day. "Like I've already told you, I'm fine."
"Okay, okay!" Sevika rolled her eyes, throwing her hands up in defeat. "But you're sort of spraying a lot of paint on the wall right now."
Viktor looked down and indeed, his finger was still pressed down on the top of the spray paint can in his hand, spraying an awful lot of pink paint onto the wall which had begun to drip down in little streams. That's right, they'd been working on decorating one of the walls of their hangout. He must have... zoned out. Probably just zoned out. It wasn't a big deal.
He placed the can down with a sigh and grabbed an old cloth to at least try to fix the mess he'd made. Though, he was sure if he failed, Sevika would find a way to turn it into some stylish piece. She was creative like that.
"You promised me you'd tell me if you started feeling... funky, you know?" Sevika reminded him, giving him a look over when his hand missed the cloth and he had to grab at it again.
"Mhm." He hummed, wanting to change the subject as quickly as possible. He didn't want to talk about it.
Of course, he understood why she was being so wary. Whilst, for obvious reasons, he wasn't often around to witness them, he knew that the seizures he had usually frightened and panicked people, especially Sevika who had only recently found out that he'd been having them after he'd suddenly begun seizing in front of her which must have been a lovely experience for her. It made sense for her to worry about him or at least want to keep an eye on him but sometimes he just wished she'd stop caring.
She'd promised him she wouldn't make it a big deal, and she'd been trying not to, but that was very difficult when what was happening was a big deal.
He'd read the books about seizures that Singed had lent him back to front several times in an attempt to grab onto some semblance of control when all of that was yanked away from him the minute his vision went blurry. He knew the science of it like the back of his hand, the risks, the complications, and still he just couldn't fathom it being that big of a deal.
It just happened, and he had been forced to come to terms with the fact that that was just the way it was.
And he wanted other people to feel the same. He didn't want them to worry or keep an eye on him or question if he was feeling alright because he was fine. Everything was fine.
So despite being perfectly aware that the 'funny' feeling he'd been experiencing all day was usually a warning sign that he would have a seizure, he didn't mention it to Sevika and continued to act as if nothing was wrong.
And maybe nothing would happen! There had been a few times in the past that he'd gotten this feeling just for it to amount to nothing or to only cause a minute or so of zoning out and then he was completely fine. And he'd been taking that new medication Singed had managed to make too! And so far it had been working, even if it made him feel miserable and sluggish all the time.
He'd be fine.
But Sevika had started talking and he was now realising how little of it he was actually processing. He tried to focus in on what words she was saying, trying to find meaning in them, but every time he managed to hold onto them, they slipped through his fingers like sand.
He knew that if he didn't respond she'd begin to realise that something was off and then she'd start fussing over him and honestly, right now with his thoughts all muddled up, that sounded like the worst possible thing in the world. So to prevent it, he hummed vaguely in agreement and hoped it fit the context.
He felt his hand go slack and heard the now paint-soaked cloth splat against the floor but even just moving his hand felt like he was moving it through sludge and the thought of bending down to pick it back up sounded exhausting.
He noticed Sevika turning to him and knew that she was probably beginning to worry now, probably already questioning him as he could see her mouth moving but he had no clue what she was saying.
And as the world tilted sideways he realised that maybe he wasn't as fine as he'd tried to convince himself he was but the final thought he was able to latch onto was that he really didn't want her to see this. He really didn't want her to worry.
——————————
He was supposed to be fine now!
He'd been taking that crappy medicine Singed had given him every day, just as instructed, because even if it made focusing frustratingly difficult and even if it made him feel exhausted even after ten hours of sleep and even if it made the world feel dull, at least he wasn't having seizures anymore.
But he'd just had one so all that had been pointless and he was back to square one. Singed would go back to wasting his time putting together a new medicine instead of working on a cure for Rio and he'd have to go through the process of feeling like shit all over again.
He wanted to cry. He often felt like this after seizures but this time felt ten times worse because he didn't have Singed here to comfort him. The doctor was always good in moments like these, he just understood, so Viktor didn't have to try and explain himself, the sudden intense feelings of dread and panic and confusion he'd be hit with that would send him into tears, he didn't have to explain any of it because Singed already understood it all. He didn't mention it when Viktor would cling to him and just sob because he was so overwhelmed with fear and he was just so confused and needed someone to tell him that it was okay. He'd just hold the boy until he felt better and then he'd offer him some sweetmilk or something nice like toast.
But it wasn't Singed that was here, it was Sevika, and he didn't want to cry in front of Sevika. She didn't understand.
He squeezed his eyes shut to try and stop the tears from escaping (and also to block out the light now that he could feel the pressure of a headache building up behind his eyes) and reminded himself of where he was and what was going on.
He was with Sevika. They were at their little hangout spot. They'd been... decorating, adding more graffiti to the walls. He'd had a seizure. His mouth tasted of blood. He must have bit his lip or his tongue, he couldn't tell which one hurt more yet but he supposed he'd find out soon enough, when he could process it and all the pain hit him at once.
"Umm... I'm gonna sit you up, 'kay?" Sevika announced, sounding a little lost.
He didn't want to move right now, he needed to get his bearings first, but he also didn't want her to question him if he said no or to start worrying that something was wrong so he gave in and nodded — or at least tried to nod before realising how stiff and painful his neck had gotten and instead opting to hum vaguely which she took as a yes.
She slid a hand under his back and gently lifted him to sit up. Immediately the room spun and he was hit with a wave of nausea that made him audibly gag.
"You good?" Sevika asked and it took him an extra moment to process what she was saying.
"Dizzy..." He slurred, touching her arm to ask her to stop but she ignored him and continued to move him.
"I'm just leaning you against the wall." She explained when he tried to push her away, "You look like you're about to faint."
He felt like he was about to faint.
He squeezed his eyes shut again to try and prevent his dizziness from worsening and began taking deep breaths and counting to five and back to make sure he didn't throw up.
"So, what was that about?" Sevika asked once he seemed to have regained some colour to his face.
"Seizure." He mumbled, keeping his eyes shut since he really didn't want the dizziness to return.
"Oh really? I would never have known." She deadpanned. "Not like you tipped over and nearly split your skull on the side of the table after telling me several times that you were fine. Because if that were the cause, I might be feeling... I don't know, a bit pissed off."
Viktor groaned and leaned his head back against the wall. He was too tired for this. "Shut up."
"Don't tell me to shut up." She scoffed, "You're real fucking lucky that I was paying enough attention to catch you. Imagine how it would feel to wake up in a puddle of blood, or worse! Not wake up at all."
"I get it, 'm stupid..." He muttered.
"Then why didn't you tell me?! You knew you were feeling off and you still lied to me. Do you have a death wish or are you really just that fucking stupid?"
Her voice was only becoming more grating and she was really wasn't helping his headache in the slightest. "Talk later... I need a minute."
"You're not getting a minute. I want an answer. Why are you being stupid?"
"I didn't want to talk about it!" He burst, "I already told you I don't want it to be a big deal. Plus, I thought I would be fine, the medicine was supposed to work." He added the last part bitterly.
"And I already told you I wouldn't make it a big deal!" She exclaimed. When Viktor winced at her volume, she quietened a little but kept her firmness. "And I didn't. It's not a big deal to go 'Hey, I think I might have a seizure' so I can make sure you don't break your fucking skull."
"I don't know then!" He sighed, using a significant amount of energy to lift his hand enough to rub his temple in an attempt to ease his headache.
"You don't know?"
"I hate talking about it! I just want to... ignore it. Pretend it doesn't exist!"
"Well, you don't get to pretend it doesn't exist. If something goes wrong, you could die, whether that be from choking on your own spit, not getting enough oxygen, or even just hitting something on the way down! You need to be careful, and you need to let me know so that I can make sure none of those things happen!"
"It doesn't matter." Viktor sighed, knowing how childish he sounded brushing it off in this manner but he really did not have the physical nor mental energy right now.
"It does matter. What would you have expected me to do if I hadn't caught you on time, if your head had hit that table—" She smacked her hand against the sharp corner of the table for emphasis "—and you did some serious damage."
"It's not about you, though," Viktor argued.
"You're right, it's not. It's about you, and your stupidity because you're going to end up getting yourself killed, or at least, seriously injured."
"You don't understand."
"Then make me understand."
He cracked his eyes open to look at her. Despite all the anger radiating off of her, under all that, he could tell that that anger was really just frustration. Frustration out of place of concern. And he knew it wasn't fair of him to make her deal with this but he just—
"Every day I need to be aware that at any moment, my entire life could change. Like you said, I could hit my head or choke but more than that, I could fall in the river, I could knock something heavy over on top of myself, I could even end up with irreversible brain damage. And I'm just supposed to go about my day and accept that there's nothing I can do about it. I just have to put up with feeling sick and dizzy for hours, and waking up somewhere I don't remember being, terrified and upset, and taking medicines that make me feel like a zombie just for them to not even work. Do you think I'm not scared that one day I won't wake up, or worse, I'll wake up and be different? I'm terrified! But I can't afford to be terrified all the time! I can't afford to care about it all the time! It's just my life now, so when other people try and worry about me it makes me... angry! Because I don't want every minute of my life spent worrying, I just want to live!"
There was a slight pause as Sevika articulated her next words.
"What can I do to make it better then?"
He blinked at her. "What?"
"What can I do to make it better?" She repeated, "I sorta get what you mean. Not entirely, but I hate it when people try and speak to me about how I'm feeling. So if I have to make some changes, I will, but that means you have to as well."
"I... I don't like it when you ask if I'm okay..." He mumbled, not really sure what else to say.
"Okay, then I'll stop. But in return, you need to actually warn me if you aren't okay. Okay?" Her voice has softened out a lot more now, Viktor noted. She sounded more like a scolding parent, actually. That was a funny thought.
"I'll... okay. I just feel... awkward... bringing it up. It's difficult to actually say it." He admitted.
"Then we can come up with some sort of code. How about... you tap me three times. That way you won't feel as awkward and you won't have to even talk to me about it. You can just do that, sit down, and I'll make sure you don't split your head open or anything."
"That's... actually a good idea."
"I know right? I do have them sometimes, believe it or not."
Despite his exhaustion, Viktor was able to manage a small, tired laugh. Sevika joined in too.
"I'm sorry for being difficult." He sighed once the laughter had worn off.
"I guess I have to be sorry about something now." She rolled her eyes. "Then... I'm sorry for getting angry. Now we're even."
He smiled. Sevika was good like that.