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Marinette does not expect Chat Noir to announce to be in love out of nowhere as they sit together during Patrol on Sunday night. Because, really, his statement comes out of the blue, surprising her to the point that her neck nearly snaps at the speed she turns her head to look at him.
His eyes, focused on the city below them, are gentle like he didn’t just drop a bomb like that. But, she should’ve expected it. After two weeks of no awful Google pick-up lines or cheesy love confessions, her hopeless romantic of a kitty was bound to break and go back to his hopeless romantic ways of before.
And Marinette, internally crying-screaming-throwing-up, lets out a happy and shocked gasp because good kwami of love—
It’s.
Happening.
It’s.
Happening.
IT’S FORKING SPOON KNIFE PLATE TABLE HAPPENING * keysmash *
Finally , after two weeks of the sad and final death of Marinette He’s Just a Partner Dupain-Cheng and the birth of Marinette Noir Dupain-Cheng, Chat Noir was going to confess his ever-dying love to her again, and this time she’ll actually kiss him and tell him that she also loves him like she’s been planning for two terribly long weeks and they’ll get married and adopt fifty cats and thirty hamsters and have eight kids named—
“I’m— I’m in love with this girl, right?” he continues, oblivious to her internal fangirl screeching. “She’s so, so pretty and– and brave, so badass, I literally love her so much. Like, every time I see her I want to melt and just grab her and kiss her and stay with her and kiss her again because, well, kisses are nice!” very nice “And she makes me feel so… so giddy and happy. Like if a rainbow and a beam of sunshine were to have a child that’d be me. That’s how she makes me feel. And I just want her to know I love her and all but I literally don’t deserve her and don’t think I can ever deserve her like ever—”
“ What ?! Don’t say that! Of course, you deserve me— err, her !” Ladybug stops him, scandalized that he could ever think he doesn’t deserve her! That’s such BS, they’re literally made for each other and are soulmates and all that lovey-dovey destiny fate things from the movies.
“But she’s just so amazing…” Chat says with a love sick sigh. “If only…”
Ladybug smiles at him, feeling her expression melt into that of a love-sick idiot at the sight of her Chaton being a love-sick idiot about her. “Yeah, please do tell me more of this girl,” she giggles, feeling weird about referring to herself in the third person but choosing to play this game of his. He's such a sap he’s probably gonna tell her wax poetry about her hair and eyes and then say it’s her and ahhhh love.
“Oh, there’s so much to say about her,” he replies, eyes softening with utter love and affection as he looks away. “I love her so much, so much that I would give up anything to be with her. Like screw my overprotective father and whatever the hell he planned for me, this is love. Love.”
Ahhh , yes, love.
“Her eyes are so pretty, sometimes I just stare at her and wonder how it’s legal to be that pretty, you know? Her beauty is just surreal, my eyes feel unworthy of seeing her smile and my ears of hearing her laugh and— and I just love her, you know?” his ramble continues as he looks back at her with the biggest Heart Eyes she’s ever seen on him. Marinette, in turn, feels her cheeks go tomato red and her eyes turn into two big loving stars or some cheesy metaphor of the sort.
She lets out a sigh. “Yeah, I know what it’s like to be in love,” she says, batting her eyelashes at him.
Chat’s smile falters. “R-Right… mystery boy.”
Mystery boy?
Oh.
Oh .
Right. Her big fat size of Europe crush on Adrien Agreste. Well, ex -crush. She has no more than Friendly Feelings for her Very Good Friend. She only has eyes for her knight in shining magical black spandex that people mistake to be leather but is not actually an unknown material according to various Tumblr posts she ought to believe. Yes.
“O-Oh, yeah, mystery boy!” Ladybug cringes. “Him, yes. But—”
Chat Noir sighs. “It’s okay, we don’t have to talk about him—”
“We don’t because—” I don’t have feelings for him—
“He’s a lucky guy, though—”
“Well, I guess he was because—” I don’t have feelings for him anymore—
“But it’s okay, I promise because I’m totally over you—”
“So it’s okay because— WAIT WHAT —”
“I… well, we’re just friends!” Chat explains. “And it was about time I got over you and let
you live your happily ever after with– with your boy and I move on… so I… so this girl I was telling you about, she’s— NOT A REBOUND, I PROMISE— just someone I’ve liked for a very long time but barely… err, noticed I liked? I’m an idiot, let’s just say that.”
She continues to stare.
Like a creep. Or something.
In hindsight, she should’ve seen that coming, too. Because Marinette’s luck, contrary to popular belief, is nonexistent and the universe has it especially out for her just because she breathes. Or probably because her existence is just that insulting, she’s not sure but surely there’s a reason her partner loses feelings for her just when she gains feelings for him.
Or what in the ever-loving romcom is this?! More Destruction-Creation balance? He stops loving her so she starts loving him just to keep the balance ?! Is her life just a big joke?!
Answer: probably, probably not, perhaps. The universe is always silently mocking her.
But—
“Chat, you can’t stop liking me!” Marinette shouts, with desperation, her dignity be damned. “I— I don’t like Adrien anymore!”
“A-Adrien?!”
She probably wasn’t supposed to say that?
“A-Adrien? Did I say Adrien? I meant mystery boy.”
“N-No, hold up,” he says, eyes wide. “Mystery boy is Adrien? As in Adrien Agreste Adrien?”
“NO!” she shouts, waving her hands in the air. “Of course not, you silly stupid adorable baby meow meow cat! Adrien Agreste is not mystery boy—”
“But you said Adrien—”
“I’ll have you know Adrien is a very popular name in France—”
“But the only Adrien you know is Adrien Agreste—”
“And how would you know that?” Marinette raises her eyebrows at him. “Maybe one of my classmate is named Adrien, too, and you would be none the wiser because we are not classmates!” Ha! She’s such a pro-liar at this point, Lila would be proud.
“Right! Us? Classmates ?!” he laughs, loudly, as if it’s the funniest thing he’s ever heard. “Please, what a joke ! We probably don’t even know each other! Why would you even suggest that as a possibility, LB, that’s just nuts ?!”
“I didn’t suggest it as a possibility, though,” Marinette points out, unamused.
“I know — but… so mystery boy’s name is Adrien?”
“No.”
“Ladybug, you said it yourself, there’ probably a million people named Adrien in Paris, would it be so bad that you admitted that it is his name? It’s not like, like I’m going to try to find all the Adriens in Paris to find out your identity.”
“Good point…” Marinette considers him and then decides that he’s most likely right because her kitty is a smart kitty. “Yeah, his name is Adrien but you know what? It doesn’t matter anymore because I don’t have feelings for him! ”
“Oh,” Chat said, cat ears falling flat on his head in a sad manner.
He’s sad… but that doesn’t make sense— unless—
“Wait —” her eyes widened comically. “You feel sad because I don’t like Adrien anymore?! Why would you feel sad?! Unless—”
“I’m not Adrien!” Chat was quick to clarify. That was unnecessary.
“I know that? I never said you were!”
“T-Then what were you—”
Wait another minute.
“Chat, you don’t love me anymore?!” she cried out.
“Of course, I love you, Ladybug! You’re my best friend—”
“So you should be happy that I don’t like Adrien anymore because you like me and that means that you have a chance—”
“B-But I don’t! We can’t date as superheroes, you said that—”
“When did I say that?!” She shouts, scandalized.
“A lot of times! You’ve been rejecting me since we met!” Chat replies, voice raising.
“Aha and? New year, new me!”
“It’s September.”
“It’s never too late to change, Chat Noir! Geez, have all those inspirational quotes in the Ladyblog taught you nothing?”
“So what? You like me now?”
It’s now or never.
“I—”
“That’s what I thought,” he huffs, crossing his arms. “But that’s okay! Because I actually like this other girl now so—”
“You didn’t even let me finish!”
“Because you’re going to say no—”
“Maybe I wasn’t—”
“Ladybug, please don’t play this game with me. Besides, did you hear me? I like my classmate.”
“Bullshit crap poop!” she shouts. “You love me!”
“I do but as just a partner and best friend! ”
“No!” she grabs him by the shoulders. “You’re lying!”
“Ladybug—”
“No Ladybug! Buginette or Bugaboo or whatever cheesy ass nickname you thought of today—”
“Wait, I thought you hated them?”
“I do but I miss hating them—”
His face softens. “Aww—”
“Chat Noir, you like me.”
“I-I don’t. I can’t.”
“Why are you making this so difficult, damn it!”
“Because, fact is: you don’t love me. You love Adrien. And I love mystery girl classmates.”
With a sigh, she lets him go. Cursing everything there is to curse in the planet and universe and above. “So you like your classmate now?”
“Yes.”
“And not me?”
“N-No.”
“And— And have you asked her out.”
“No. She doesn’t see me that way.”
“Oh. What a bitch.”
“Hey—”
“Shut up.”
_________
Truly, Marinette wants to be happy for him.
She wants to smile every time he stares into the sunset during patrol and lets out a happy sigh, she wants to tease him about this girl. But she physically cannot. She tries but her mouth won’t open to say anything nice, only to let out a frustrated growl of sorts. Her face won’t let her smile, just frown in sadness and anger and hopelessness of the situation.
After a while, she makes herself forget that Chat ever mentioned liking this Classmate Mysterious Dumbass. She denies it to be a fact and declares it to be no more than an awful daydream she made up in her head to torture herself for no particular reason other than being a self-pronounced masochist who enjoys pain.
It becomes apparent that if she puts her mind to something, and tries really very super duper damn hard, she can convince herself that something didn’t even happen. It must be a talent — or a very unhealthy coping mechanism she’s developed over the years upon learning that the universe apparently has beef with her.
But even with this newly discovered gift of hers, she also learns that Chat Noir is an oblivious piece of cuteness that doesn’t know basic human signs of a feeling called Love. If he knew, he’d known that she’s helplessly in love with him and wouldn’t bring up The Girl every chance he got and would believe her when she tells him she loved him. Because he does not believe her, no matter what she does. She supposes it’s only fair, after all the times she has rejected him for the past few months.
But still, she’d been such a fool for thinking Adrien Agreste was oblivious because truly, he’s Social Cues 101 Graduate besides Chat Noir.
What is it with her and very cute and naive blonds? Oh goodness, she has a type.
“You know what The Girl told me yesterday?” Chat Noir asks, giddily, practically vibrating in his seat to tell her about what The Girl said. The Girl, at this point it should be trademarked with the number of times Chat says it with that annoyingly affectionate tone.
“What did she do this time?” Ladybug prompts him, unwillingly but she doesn’t want to be rude to her poor little kitty even if he’s the biggest insensitive fool she’s ever met.
“Well, we were sitting in class and she sits behind— in front of me! I mean, in front of me. Not behind me. Just in front of me.”
“Right,” she replies, half-listening.
“Well she told me that I had a serious case of bed hair, I had forgotten to brush my hair that morning because I’d just been a mess, and all I could think about it just her. Anyway, she saw the back of my head, and get this, she touched my head and combed my hair with her fingers!”
Huh .
She did the same with Adrien this morning.
“That’s weird,” she comments with a grimace.
“What do you mean?” Chat asks, clearly offended. “It was adorable.”
“Yeah, sure,” she rolls her eyes. “I just mean it’s weird because I did the same with a friend of mine this morning and—”
Oh.
Oh.
“It’s not what you think—”
“Chat, why is The Girl — trademark — stalking me!” she shouts. “What the hell is wrong with her?! First, she steals you from me and now she’s stalking me?! What a—”
“Ladybug,” he says, sighing in defeat. “You’re spiritually blond.”
“What—”
_________
Overall, it’s fine.
Superfine.
Listening to him talk about The Girl™ (yes, it’s officially trademarked and she will sue you if you don’t trademark it from now on) like she invented chocolate and is made of starlight, is totally super fine with her. What are friends for anyway? It’s not like this is new or anything. She helped her previous crush go on a date with the girl he liked, so really, this is nothing!
Well, it was fine until messed up took another much higher and never before thought of the level of messed up.
In other words, Chat Noir asks her for her help to woo The Girl™.
“So… you — Chat Noir — my best friend and boy I am stupidly in love with—”
“Ladybug, that’s not funny—”
“—want me , Ladybug — your best friend and girl who is stupidly in love with you—”
“Seriously, it’s kind of messed up that you keep on joking about that, you know how I felt about you—”
“—to help you woo The Girl™ from your class that you like?”
“Minus the sick joke that you’re in love with me, yes. Basically.”
“It’s not a joke!” she shouts, pulling her face down in desperation. “I’m fucking in love with you, why don’t you believe me, damn it!”
He shakes his head disapprovingly. “So please will you help me?”
Absolutely freaking fucking damning no . Nope. Never.
But—
“Please, LB, I really like her and I know I don’t stand a chance without your help!”
“But why are you asking me !?” she demands. “Don’t you have other friends you could ask?! Why are you torturing me like this, Chat, why ?!”
“I can’t ask anyone else! Who else knows you better than— I mean who else knows your kind better than, uh, you !”
“ Other girls that personally know The Girl™! I don’t even know her or anything about her, how do you expect me to know?!”
“W-Well you can act like it’s you the one I’m trying to woo!” he suggests. “She does remind me an awful lot like you, anyway, so it’d be perfect! Just tell me what you’d like a boy to do to win your heart or whatever and I’ll do with her and honestly, pullet proof plan!”
The universe is so shitty for this, she thinks with a sigh, I must’ve been a terrible person in my past life.
“I hate you.”
“Does that mean you’ll help me?!”
“Only because you know I can’t say no to your fucking kitty eyes!”
“Oh my,” he smirks. “Ladybug’s verified weakness, Chat Noir’s kitty eyes, who would’ve thought—”
She throws him off the roof.
_________
Scheming is practically Marinette’s first nature.
Her second one is obviously fangirling, and her third nature whatever regular humans would consider their first. But yeah, the point is, Marinette Dupain-Cheng is a master at scheming. This is why it’s no surprise to anyone, even though no one ever knew of her scheming as she always makes sure that it stays top secret when she devices her very own “bulletproof” plan.
It’s a very simple plan at that, admittingly not her most original idea, but good nonetheless.
And she’s ecstatic to begin, writing down her genius idea down in her notebook so she doesn’t forget not one detail in this sudden burst of two am inspiration.
She smirks, closing her notebook with a satisfied nod of her head. Were she a villain, she’d be laughing maniacally at her best Evil Laugh. But, of course, she doesn’t have an evil laugh in case she goes through her villain arc or something—
“ Marinette ,” Tikki says. “Are you practicing your villain laugh at two am again?”
“What, no!”
_________
The next day at school, she gets there earlier than usual, sneaking into the building unnoticed by any of the early birds that lurk in the school yard with no reason to exist. She’s careful to not be spotted — pun intended even though she’s obviously not Ladybug right now — leaning against walls and tip-toeing through hallways as if anyone even cared.
She likes to think someone would care, so it’s better to be safe than sorry and all. Besides, Adrien is one of the early birds and he’s been putting a lot of attention to her lately so if he does see her, she has no doubt he’d question her early presence in the educational quarters as such hour. She’s not sure why he’s been paying so much special attention to her as of late, it’s not like she’s done anything to deserve it. The last time she checked she was still very much Just a Friend. Maybe it has to be with the fact that she no longer key smashes with her tongue like a rhapsodic schoolgirl with a crush? Is he really that amazed that she can actually talk like a normal person now?
Whatever the reason, she doubts it’s because he has a crush on her like Alya is so instant about.
Yeah, sure, he stares at her from across the room in Chemistry class and sometimes turns around during Mlle. Bustier’s lectures just to smile at her but to be honest, knowing Adrien Agreste, this is probably just a normal Just a Friend attitude.
And the universe can be pretty fucked up with her but not to the point where her ex-crush gained feelings for her right when she losses feelings for him. That’d be the cherry on top, and Marinette despises cherries.
She shakes her head to clear her thoughts, a tendency she has that it’s more cliche and useless than Chat Noir’s pickup lines. It still, somehow, helps her get out of the rabbit hole of Adrien Agreste Hours and find and empty classroom to continue her super plan.
And, as if granted by plot convenience, she finds a perfectly empty classroom that no soul but the kinky kids who like to make out at school ever visit. She declares it a win, to not see any of those people she avoids like she avoids water without ice in the classroom. She’s glad she doesn’t have to fight them off… last time she did have to… let’s just say she had to holyfied her eyes with two hours of Cocomelon after it was all over.
She sets her things down on one of the desks, pulls out all of her very much-needed scheming material from her backpack, and figures out the last details of her plan.
“Plan PTUTSAWCNHA is a go,” she smirks.
“Who are you talking to?” Tikki asks.
“Tikki! For the love of food, stop ruining my moments! ”
_________
“ Okay! Here’s the plan on how to ruin— I mean win The Girl’s™ heart and whatever!” she declares as she lands on their spot two days later, shoving them on his face, eyes wide with caffeine-induced energy.
“What—”
“This took me two days to complete so you better follow it through it very carefully, do not miss not one step! Memorize everything I’ve written here until you can recite it in your sleep and I assure you, you will end up with a girlfriend by the end of the week!”
Me.
“Wow,” Chat muses, flipping through the pages of the composition notebook she filled out. “This… this is a lot.”
“I know, which is why you must follow it all,” she says, crossing her arms over her chest, and looking down at him. “It’s very important because if you say this girl is like me then… it will take a lot of work, dedication, conviction, and time to woo her.”
That’s, in fact, a very blunt lie. She fell in love because a boy gave her an umbrella of all things, but who is to say?
Chat looks up at her, gulping. “And… and you filled this all out like you would like to be wooed, right?”
She nods, closing her eyes in a righteous manner. “Oh, yes. Of course.”
He lets out a shaky breath, running his fingers through his hair. “I… I always perceived you — and her — as rather simple people. But… I, uh, I guess not?”
“Listen, Chaton,” she places a hand on his shoulder. “No girl is ever ‘simple’ when it comes to love. Trust me on this one, I would know.”
He frowned. “Really? So… then… Adrien, did all this to get you to fall in love with him?”
Oh.
She hadn’t thought about the possibility he’d ask her that!
“Y-Yeah well, no. He just… he… he did some of the things—”
“Like?” he raises his eyebrows.
“Like— Like page twenty seven section three!” she says watching him flip through the notebook to find that page.
“He…” he looks up at her again. “He laughed at you?”
“Yes, laughing is very important.”
“But at you?”
“Yes, duh,” she responds, rolling her eyes just for the effect. “Everyone knows that if someone doesn’t laugh at you at least once, they don’t like you enough.”
His frown returns. “I thought it’s rude to laugh at someone?”
“Well, I don’t know who told you it is but they lied to you, Chaton.” she shrugs, finally sitting beside him.
“My… my mom told me,”
“ Ugh, mothers, always teaching their children wrong!”
“A-And when did he laugh at you?” Chat questions again.
“Ah, well, you see when we first met! In fact, I fell in love with him as he was laughing at me so it’s very important you laugh at her. You never know, she might just be head over heels for you after. I know I was after Adrien laughed at me when his umbrella closed on me.”
“U-Umbrella? You’ve been in love with him for that long?”
“What do you mean that long?” She tilts her head to the side, a skeptical look in her eyes. Could it be that—
“I-I mean well, during the rainy season, right?”
“Oh, yeah.” Was she really about to think of the possibility that Adrien and Chat Noir are brothers? Oh em gee, what is wrong with her today?
“And what else did he do that you wrote here?”
“Uh, page three section five.”
He turns back to the beginning, getting to the page rather quickly. “Okay, number one, did you memorize everything you wrote? And did you seriously fall in love with him because he bought you constipation meds?”
“The way to get to a man’s heart is through his stomach, right?”
“Uh, well, that’s how the saying goes I guess, but—”
“But what about women? If we’re going by stomach logic, then obviously, the way to a woman’s heart is through their stomach problems. Constipation is a real problem, and people don’t talk about it as much as they should. It hurts, Chat, it’s pain.”
“Oh,” he says, puzzled. “I guess I never thought about it like that.”
“Of course you didn’t, that’s why you need me here to help you,” she says, patting his back. “Women are hard, but it’s okay, I’m here to help you through.”
He smiles at her, softly. “Thank you, LB, that means a lot to me.”
She finger guns. “Any time, Chaton, just make sure to nominate me best wingwoman of the year, ‘k?”
“Of course.”
_________
Stage one was a success.
She walked Chat through all the pages and sections of her How to Win a The Girl’s™ Heart™ guide with ease. He seemed confused about a few points but accepted her explanations rather quickly.
Poor boy is too naive for his own good.
Normally, Marinette wouldn’t take advantage of his obliviousness, she hates it when people do that with Adrien, but for once she uses it to strengthen her cause. She just wants to give him a happily ever after, and clearly, whoever The Girl™ is, does not deserve him at all .
Either way, Stage Two is in full motion now.
Which is basically just waiting for him to follow her advice and ruin his chances with little Miss Nobody who does not deserve him!
Waiting is completely and utterly agonizing. And tiring. And boring. And very time-consuming too, considering she waits for a long time because she has no clue when she’s going to wait. That says a lot, also considering that it’s only been a day since she gave Chat the notebook.
The worst part is that it’s Friday, so it’s not very likely that he’ll do it until Monday, and she probably won’t find out until Wednesday which is a veryyyyy long time from now. Six days. Six days. How in the world is she going to survive six days? She might just perish by the time it’s Wednesday and if he tells her he hasn’t done it, then she’s going to perish for sure.
She groans, throwing the covers off herself and climbing out of bed.
The other worst part, perhaps far worse than it being Friday is her lack of sleep for the past few days. She’s been working nonstop on this plan and has been drinking more coffee than one should for it to be considered healthy, the barista at her favorite coffee shop has been giving her very concerned looks whenever she shows up late (or rather early) hours of the night (day).
She glances at her desktop, being greeted by Chat’s smiling face. “You and I will be together very soon, my love,” she cooes, blowing him a kiss. He stares back at her, unblinkingly.
“Marinette, stop talking to your computer…” Tikki sighs.
“Let me live, Tikki!” she shouts back, letting out an annoyed puff of air. Kwamis these days, she thinks with a roll of her eyes, so ungrateful and unappreciative of love.
She walks over to her closet and picks out her clothes for the day, practically having a crisis over what she should wear. In the end, after a good five minutes of catastrophizing over her choices, she decides to wear that boring ass outfit of every day: white cherry blossom t-shirt, gray cardigan, and pink jeans.
Like every day.
“Marinette !” her mother’s voice booms in from below. She makes an exasperated sound. Can’t a girl freak out about wearing her hair in her normal pigtails or down, knowing damn well she’ll pick pigtails regardless, in peace?!
“Yes, Mam—” she shouts back but stops when the trap door opens. Nobody ever knocks around here, goodness.
Sabine’s face pops out. “Oh, good, you’re awake…” she says, her eyes wide. Is it really that surprising she’s awake—
“There’s someone waiting for you outside…” Sabine says.
Oh?
_________
It’s entirely possible and valid and safe to assume that this is all simply a big coincidence.
Adrien is just… probably just feeling fancy and too rich that he decided to show her house riding a horse. And gave all of their friends a horse, as well.
Like she had told Chat in the notebook.
But, well, rich people are like that sometimes — too rich that they don’t know what to do with their money so they rent a horse and show up at their friend’s house.
It’s normal, probably.
“A-Adrien?” she gasps, feeling suddenly very light-headed.
Adrien, sitting on his white horse wearing a tuxedo suit, smiles at her. “My Lady,” he greets, doing some sort of signal with his hand towards the rest of the class behind him. Her friends make their to her in their respective horses, grinning as they make a line in front of her, bowing down with an exclamation of “for you” as they give her bouquets of different colored roses.
Very similar to how she told Chat to do it.
How… strange.
She stares at them, shocked, mouth hanging open, as she receives the flowers. Adrien just stands there, watching the chaos unfold with a very proud smile. And then he laughs. He laughs at her.
No, she thinks as she stares at him, this isn’t and cannot be real.
“Would you like to take a ride on my horse with me, fair princess, and ride into the sunset with this very handsome prince of yours?” He asks her, extending his hand towards her as if she can grab it. Her arms are very busy carrying all the flowers!
When she doesn’t reply, opting to just stare at him with very wide and confused eyes, he climbs off the horse. “Let me help you with all those flowers, my love,” he says, taking about five bouquets and what feels like three thousand pounds off her arms.
Wait—
Oh.
Oh.
“Adrien Agreste!” she screams his name, dropping the flowers on the ground and following after the boy.
“Yes, ma belle?” he asks, gazing at her innocently in the hallway leading up to her apartment.
Her gaze hardens, as she waves an extremely accusing finger in his direction. “You stole the notebook I gave to Chat Noir, didn’t you ?!” she demands.
He blinks at her. “Spiritually blonde, I tell you,” he sighs.
“Don’t even try to deny it because—” her eyes widen, comically once again.
Spiritual blonde?
Where did she hear that from—
Oh.
Oh.
“You’re Chat Noir!”
Then she loses her shit.